Goodbye or Au Revoir
“Dear Victim,
Well, wasn’t that the roller coaster ride? Don’t look so miserable at least you are getting a letter. The last four never got anything at this stage, I just disappeared and the first they knew that I was no longer interested in them was when they saw me parading my new acquisition. Still, they brought it on themselves or at least that is what I keep telling myself because after all, nothing is my fault is it? So, here is your letter. Yes, this is a Dear John letter, a missive designed to tell you that our entanglement is now at an end (for now – more on that later) and that I am now romantically involved with somebody else. Just as an aside, did you know that they originated from letters sent to soldiers by their unfaithful wives. Yes, brave Johnny was out there fighting the good fight whilst his Mrs was shacked up with Johnny-Come-Lately and she decided that rather than wait for Johnny to come home from the front she would choose Johnny Come Lately who was stationed in her home town. Seems our kind did not even suspend operations because of World War Two. Anyway, I digress. Yes, this letter is to tell you that you and I are no more. The simple reason is you are no use to me anymore. I know it seems damned unfair but my needs are all that matter you see. You gave it a good shot; I will give you that I suppose. You lasted longer than the one before, whatever her name was. Something to be proud of isn’t it, there haven’t been many who have held on to me as long as you have. I know in between the tears and the confusion when you read this letter you will be wondering why on earth have I done this after everything that you have done for me. You see, it is exactly that kind of selfish thinking that put a hex on you and me. If you had spent more time thinking about me and my needs, then we wouldn’t be in this position. Well, actually, we probably would because so far no matter what anybody has managed to do, I have always found them to be lacking eventually and had my head turned by somebody else. It always seems to happen and it cannot be my fault can it? I don’t do anything wrong. I mean I chased you, made you feel special and did all the tickling, hair-twirling and sweet nothings, you got a good time, come on you have to admit it. Oh I know things went sour afterwards but I have already written to you about that, do you have to go on about it? There you go again. Me, me, me. Never a thought for how I might feel. Have you any idea what it is like needing to rely on someone else to validate your existence? Oh you do. Well, that makes it worse actually, if you do know, why didn’t you do something about it? Anyway, I don’t have time to go into all that now. I daresay you are wondering why I have chosen someone now rather than try and work things out with you or at the very least agree to an amicable split before looking for a new victim. Well, it is a fair question I suppose. I have had the new person lined up for a while. You just weren’t doing it for me anymore and I had to make sure my needs were met so whilst you waited for me to come home, dinner in the oven, or dealt with the children again on your own as I was away on a “business trip” I was busy choosing her and seducing her. She is a right cracker, going to give me lots of emotional attention, better than you ever did. Oh don’t start with the tears, no actually carry on, that makes me feel better when you cry. I could list all the things that she is and which you are not, but I cannot be bothered to do it now, I am too excited about spending time with my new toy, er I mean partner. Don’t worry though, I will triangulate you with her at some point so you can find out all about why I chose her and we may as well have a little competition where I pit you and her against one another and I sit back and choose a winner. That’s what you get to do when you are as brilliant as me, so we can save the analysis about her for another time.
I’ve left you with a load of debt. Nothing to do with me as everything is in your name, but I suppose it will give you something to concentrate on alongside wondering what has just happened. I am going to take a few household items too, they are mine after all and I need to make sure my new home has everything. I imagine you will muddle through somehow, not that I care of course, but I might pretend to care if you give me the reaction I am after. I daresay you think I am cold-hearted and callous bastard but you have to understand this is your fault and not mine. If you had just tried harder to please me and keep me happy then I would not have had to look elsewhere. You made me have this affair because you are selfish and do not think about me. It is no point digging out that ridiculous list you have kept of everything that you have supposedly done for me, I know for a fact it is made up, but then you are something of a fantasist after all, at least that is what I have been telling all our friends and families, plus the neighbours, oh and your boss and the chap at the corner shop. Well, I am not having you spreading lies about me by saying I have gone off with some young bit of stuff leaving you in a half-empty house, with no income, a load of debt and the kids to look after. That would make me look bad and I have a reputation to maintain. Don’t even think about telling tales. Nobody will believe you. I have made sure of that and I will see the kids when I can be bothered, but when I do decide to bother my backside you had better not start playing silly buggers or I will have you in court and the judge and everyone else will know about your drink and drug problems. It is no good pretending you don’t have them, I know you do, or at least, I will make it seem like you do.
Well, I think that is everything. I have left a few bits and bobs in case I want to come back and torment you by haggling over a toaster and that collection of coloured vinyl records. Don’t think about calling me or hassling me, people already think you are a nut job. So, this is it. As I mentioned, at least I am telling you it is over, so you know. See, I am considerate after all. I would say good bye, but is more like au revoir, but when I say so.
Thanks for nothing
N. Arc x”
17 thoughts on “Goodbye or Au Revoir”
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Wow …………
That DOES sound very much like the mind set / thought process of my man ! 😠😠
{ Bloody bastard that he is. } 😥😥
“Have you any idea what it is like needing to rely on someone else to validate your existence? Oh you do.”
Oh boy this sentence hit home like a thunderstorm. This is exactly why I was dragged into the narc hole to begin with, after a particularly vulnerable time in my life. Most of my life I operated on hard logic and was always the one to point out to others that such a thing as a soulmate and other related romantic BS does not exist and I found fulfilment in other aspects of my life. This was the case until I fell prey to my own desire to be acknowledged. Eventually the need to be validated by someone, to recognise how “special” and “unique” I actually am was my weaknesses and downfall. It doesn’t matter how intelligent you are, how many academic degrees you have, how beautiful you are, sexy, caring or funny etc. The need for someone else to recognise and value this, is the whole dynamic between me and the narc I was involved with, especially during the GP. Narcs are very good at sniffing out this need we feel and they gladly fill it up. Because in return we fill their own void, and so the dance begins.
We empaths claim to know what love is or that we feel this love, I wonder sometimes if this is really the case? Or is this feeling solely based on fact that as long as our own need/void is met we happily engage in this dance. In the end we all search to be valued (probably by our mummy/daddy) but only when we find our own value the narc dynamic can stop. I am still searching for this part btw, but I know now through getting my logical thinking back thanks to HG (reading/consultation), that this must be found within myself and not someone else and definitely not a narc.
Lilly – awesomely put!
(The same part strikes me too.)
I find that the most disturbing aspect of it is that the validation feels so real…I feel as though, sometimes, despite being false validation…it can still propel one forward…
WhoCares
Thank you. Yes, indeed it felt real and in a certain, although disturbing way it was. As they use our own traits/values for this validation and they put on top of that some and more. Count all the manipulation techniques and lies and there you have it, perfect recipe for this feeling. But as the person I thought the narc was does not exist, I do not give a f… about he’s opinion of me anymore.
Hi Lilly, you have completely encapsulated my vulnerability and what I went through with my unfortunate experience. Even at that time when I had no idea what real NPD was, I assumed I had enough background with affairs gone awry that I was not susceptible to any of the deluded nonsense some females called love in relationships. I was always the strong one my friends ran to when they were being jerked around. I would set them straight, like a stern maiden aunt, reprimanding them to dump the jackass and move on.
I thought I was smarter…I have been independent most of my life and have acquired most of my possessions, education, and good judgment on my own. I was proud of that, but something was missing. It’s great to have confidence, but sometimes after work, I would go home alone and start thinking, “It’s not enough for me to know I am unique… I need someone to tell me I am really exceptional.” Thus, the crack in the dam…
So, now we know – as far as those numerous extraordinary qualities go – you might be fluent in 3 languages, have scads of awards, wicked sense of humor, mistaken for Ava Gardner – that is not what the Narc sees. Like a rabid hound, he gets wind of that that hole, that void that is crying out to be filled with admirable validation of your attributes. Oh, those features are observed and noted, just as if you were a stainless steel, side–by-side refrigerator, with an exterior ice and water dispenser, frameless glass shelves, adjustable storage bins for produce, and a freezer with adaptable frost monitors. Fingerprint resistant, of course. While you possess a small void in your life, he is a completely hollow shell, a vacuum ready to suck all the power out of you. An imbalance of power is created…guess which one needs more fuel: the moped or the aircraft carrier? He will satisfy your need for validation with some well-worn, but effective lies and you will fill his vacuity with what you think is friendship, tenderness, and love. Once he is filled and satiated, all those assets that you thought drew him to you are quashed and replaced by uncertainty, weakness, and a mighty clout to your self-esteem. He will then set his sail once again upon his sea of quackery and delusion oblivious to your plight: abandonment on an uncharted island of misery. Well, I’m sick of it and all victims of these contemptible beasts need to kick ‘em to the curb. Now.
I think we realize that validation of our presence does not equal love. And expecting anyone (parent, friend, partner) to carry the burden of repeatedly rubberstamping our existence is a heavy responsibility we should not impose on anyone. I liked myself before the Narc entered the picture, and I struggle to drag that woman back out of the mire. I’m almost back, a little more hardened, a little more guarded, but, wiser….dear God, WISER!!
I don’t believe in love at first sight…if the season, soil, and sunshine are just right, it will sprout and grow. But since these despicable creatures are incapable of love, let’s continue to learn from Mr. Tudor’s School of Hard Narcs and stop casting our pearls before swine.
Regards to you.
Lilly, what a wonderful post – so true for me, too.
SJS, so much this: “as far as those numerous extraordinary qualities go, that is not what the Narc sees. Like a rabid hound, he gets wind of that that hole, that void that is crying out to be filled with admirable validation of your attributes.”
That is so important to keep in mind. It’s not because we are good, special, wonderful, loving, kind, etc. It’s because we are both vulnerable to them and great fuel providers.
Sara Jessica Snarker
Thank you for your insightful response, it cracked me up today at work (I like your writing style). I agree on all of your inputs and I recognise so much of myself in your story. I think the seed of finding a perfect match was planted somewhere along the way, be it from society, upbringing or environment that there must be a perfect match for each and every one of us. Lies, lies and more lies. I was in a relationship for 5 years with a ‘normal’ before my encounter with the catastrophe that is the narc, and I am aware how a relationship should develop. The pace, mutual respect, boundaries etc. It fled all out of the window while chasing this need to be valued and acknowledged. Luckily I escaped before devaluation fully started in and found this blog. I am now getting back on track, finding my own purpose in this life, without drama, just peace in my mind. I guess through this journey I did find my “specialness”, as I seem to be the only one in my social circle who is aware of these creatures (sorry HG). I wish you all the luck in the world to go back to the woman you always have been, you seem very strong, you will get there.
Kind regard
SJS
That was very honest of you to admit-that you thought you were above it/smarter only to realize that you too could fall victim. Though I admit I did have a hard time composing myself after your observation that they get wind of our hole.
For me, I can be joyful when someone else is experiencing something great to a point. I can love and be loved, again I have a certain threshold for it. However, it’s like I can feel the pain of another person wholeheartedly and absorb it to the point of wanting to heal them. Sometimes I wonder if I confuse that with loving. Trying to heal someone while they validate me.
Sophia, especially when you realise that how another person thinks, feels and desires is entirely different to how you do. Empathy can also be searching for an understanding that is not about your feelings at all. We cannot ‘humanise’ an antisocial mind under the terms of our own emotional experience, because they lack the emotional depth and range needed to form a ‘psychic wound’ around their pain, let alone do what most humans cannot – transform pain into creative self expression. They can’t feel their pain, they try to create it in others instead. Do they even have a choice? Are they all ‘the same’?
Also if someone has an issue with women (women as inferior or threatening objects), it’s not going to be easy teaching them ‘equality’ as a woman. They’re already compensating for feeling inferior and can’t see you as an individual outside their complex. You yourself are triggering a process of association in them, as HG has shown here.
They may not have an emotionally felt wound, except for ‘blind’ rage, shame and compensatory rushes of power, but they do develop psychological complexes, especially because their mental structures are extremely inflexible.
Lilly
Very well stated and factual from my perspective.
I think I was in long distance relationship with a narcissist many years ago, now I wonder if my new bf is the one of your kind. I have a question. Does living with a narc quickens the devaluation or delays it? If I am an installed IPPS and he wants to move in to my place after 2 months, could it cause that my devaluation starts sooner and my fuel becomes stale sooner?
This does increase the risk that your fuel will become stale faster and thus devaluation is likely to occur quicker.
Buh-bye.
Love this irolll! “Education, emancipation, insight… women who like and know themselves must be terrifying.” Since finding HG, I feel educated and therefore empowered. Now when I’m out and about, it is ME who is scanning the room looking for predator types. I look them dead in the eye and communicate without words, “Don’t even think about approaching.” I know myself better now. I will always be an empath. I know that and still like that about myself. I’m just more educated on the evil that lurks. I’m a warrior now. Thanks HG and me for accepting the gift of this painful lesson.
It’s like a Super Wimp revenge against women! Mother, unfaithful wives to sacrificed soldiers: it’s the patriarchy who sacrificed them, the wives were lonely and also got to taste freedom from oppressive roles.
Don’t the rejected in a ridiculous way, see through this insecurity eventually? Education, emancipation, insight… women who like and know themselves must be terrifying.