Ten Seductive Sentences Used By The Narcissist
The Perfect Ten Sentences of Seduction
What is really meant when we say these words.
1. I love you and I always have
My need to seduce you is considerable and therefore I will use language which will appeal to you and be so outlandish that it will blow you away. I do not actually love you. I do not love in the way that you do. I understand that the closest I come to it is infatuation. I am not in fact infatuated with you but more precisely with what you can do for me. My needs are paramount. Yours are largely irrelevant. I write irrelevant because I do take them into account during the seduction but after that they are thrown to one side. I love the fact you fuel me, allow me to steal traits of your for my own use and you give me shelter, meals and money.
2. We are soulmates
I know you are a big believer in emotional concepts such as love, spirituality and the soul. I need to tap into that and I need to do so quickly. I want to suggest that our love goes beyond this earthly plane on which we stand and it is something all the more ethereal and noble. That ought to impress you and cause you to become bound to me. I am not your soul mate, I am here to steal your soul because I do not have one.
3. I have not loved anyone like this before
There will be half a dozen willing witnesses who will testify to the contrary. In my world however I have deleted them from my mind (except when I fancy hoovering them and triangulating them with you for some extra fuel) and there was nothing like what I feel for you now. They are defunct and redundant, an unfortunate reminder of an abuser who trapped me. They do not matter now, you are all that matters to me now, your fuel, to be accurate, is all that matters to me now.
4. I want us to be together forever
There is no want about it. We are already locked together forever. You may not think this and indeed somewhere along the line you will want to escape me, although quite why that is when you are the problem, is beyond me. Anyway, that is for later. Right now you have agreed (although you will never recall having said such words to that effect) to remain my property for the rest of your life. This means that everything you own, have and are now belongs to me and I will deal with it in whatever fashion I see fit. I will use and abuse you over and over again as this is my right. Just when you think I have disappeared I will be back more. This is a life-long covenant.
5. We have so much in common
What a wonderful occurrence, such serendipity that everything you like I like as well. Even better, all the things that you do not like, I do not like either. It as if we are two halves of one perfect person. That is exactly what I see because all I will do is mirror you. I have spent time watching you, observing you, finding out about you from friends and scouring your internet footprint in order to learn as much as I can about you so that I can present myself as mirror image. I actually cannot stand listening to Coldplay but that isn’t going to stand in the way of my replication so I seduce you with incredible speed and ease.
6. I hate it when we are apart
A rare nugget of truth here. I do hate it when we are apart but for the reasons I have made you think. You think it is because I miss the wonderful, kind, humorous and delightful you. I actually miss all that positive fuel you supply me with when we are together as you are taken in by this illusion that I have created. Moreover I hate the fact that when I am not with you I cannot control your environment and I am concerned that with space to think and breathe you may just see through what I am doing or even worse, you may listen to one of your so-called friends who will be whispering in your ear and briefing against me. I don’t want your head turned elsewhere. I want it looking at me. Always.
7. Nobody can love you the way I do.
Amazingly another piece of truth. Nobody else can love you in this way because none of it is real. This is all made-up in order to attract you and bind you to me because if you saw what I was really like (not that I would ever allow that to happen) you would run screaming and never return. Accordingly, I will love you in a way that you are unlikely to have experienced before by deluging you with desire and then nearly destroying you through malice and vitriolic hatred. Told you I was special.
8. I can’t believe we have only just met. I feel like I’ve known you forever. Let’s live together.
It feels familiar to me because you are giving me positive fuel just like your predecessor and the one before her and the one before her as well. I do not distinguish between you, not really, because you are all appliances to me which I want to ensnare and then drain as you pump out delicious fuel for me to consume. I say this though to make you feel special and because I am obviously so wonderful and brilliant you will be thrilled that someone like me wants to live with you. This will make you grab this marvellous opportunity before you lose it and then I have ensnared you.
9. I need you. I want you. I love you.
Sounds dramatic and romantic doesn’t it? Makes you feel as if everything is focussed on you and I could not live without you. Notice how many times I used the word “I”? That’s because this is all about me and nothing to do with you save for what you can do for me. I really mean that I need your fuel, I want your fuel and I love your fuel.
10. You have saved me.
Yet more drama straight from the romantic handbook. I know your type. That is why I chose you. You like to fix, heal and save. You will have plenty to do in that regard, believe me, but that will come later. For now what I really mean is that you have saved me having to look anywhere else for fuel. Time to feed.
61 thoughts on “Ten Seductive Sentences Used By The Narcissist”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Geez, my narc said 1-9 of the above, omitted 10. Lucky me right
Sarabella, thank you for elaborating on your situation and your thought process. I can totally relate to the narc always keeping the door and possibilities open by saying things like “who knows what tomorrow holds” and the like. We never fought, I never went Super Nova on him. Our interactions were always amicable and friendly. I think this is because I was very compliant and did what he wanted. He was always in control and he knew it. Luckily, he never asked to do something that I found abhorrent. We had a couple of disagreements but things were smoothed over rather quickly without much friction. I think I was very co-dependent as to him. During our last conversation, things were left off very open-ended with him confiding in me, me telling him how much I loved him and would always do as he said, and would be waiting for him to contact me once he decided to (he asked for space for now and promised to reach out soon). So, this is where I am. Honoring his request and no word from him in several months. I also wonder whether he would ever think of me again or not or whether he just promised future contact to make himself look and feel good, like you said you think maybe your narc did. HG said this was a comfort crumb but I am not sure since it has been several months now with no word from him. I have never been IPPS, just to be clear. Thanks again for sharing! Wishing you peace and healing!
I think you asked me something in another post. Not sure you saw the answer. I think it was you… about why I don’t block him in the areas where he doesn’t have me blocked. Well, my Super Nova event was pretty extreme. I mean extreme. So much so, that he even told me, I don’t know if you are coming for blood. Which angered me more… how he flipped it to be the one concerned about me when he was the one, by his own admission, who had been awful to me. How he was pretending to be the victim in it all. That just fueled more for me. I held nothing back in the end. Although, I did what you said too… told him I will always love him until the day I die. But I love me more I think. He really wanted me submissive to him. When I sensed that, what grasping the deeper psychology things in him, I once texted him (to play with how it felt and to see how he would react), that I wanted to submit to him, to stop fighting him, to give in to him. He responded like lightening. I could feel his grin, thousands of miles apart. A part of me was so tired of fighting him. So tired of what it had all become. So tired of the game. Some part of me, wanted to let him control me, the situation. Some part of me wanted wait for him, to never have him out of my life. I couldn’t stop the craving. Some part of me wanted to desperately to soften in that way. It lasted about 4 hours of me telling him that. And then, within a few days, I was fighting with him. And like I said, I was pretty extreme.
The part of the Super Nova post that HG didn’t talk about is that Greaters avoid it, but he never fully talks about what his experience was with someon who actually went extreme Super Nova on him. I mean, the wounding I delivered was pretty relentless; harsh and repetitive. The narc part of me was entirely activated by the entire situation and my own wounding from him (again) had reached a level of intolerance. So I lashed out. Hard. I would be afraid of me, too, I think. I was like a different person at that time of my life. The wounds he delivered to me were hard. My defense was hard. And then, the energy of it all lasted a long time. Someone once told me who met me a year after that, that I could create a storm in a glass. I was so much in fighting mode, it has taken a long time to quiet it. I think I am actually only now, feeling it is finally leaving me and my empath traits taking back over. Art is helping to shift me back on that spectrum again. So yeah, Not sure HG ever shared what happened with someone who did go Super Nova on him and how long it ever took for him to even think of hoovering (right conditions met and all).
Long way of saying, he wanted to leave it open-ended, too. He told me, “just chill, I am not going any where. I am not leaving you. Stop, count to ten before opening your mouth and running it and maybe…” But I knew, I could never stay in an open-ended state. If he didn’t want me, if he didn’t want me the first time, in the beginning, he never would. Keeping me around for fuel wasn’t my idea of what I wanted. If I knew he could never publicly post, that he loves me as he used to with others even people he didn’t know, even if it was not deeply ture, I knew it would just never work for me to ‘wait’. And besides, that is what he did 30 years ago. That’s plenty of time for him to have decided to treat me well again. And he didn’t. That was the harsh reality. He just repeated it all. Alot of nothing for nothing, really.
Don’t wait forever…. Not sure how old you are, but life will pass you bye. If you restart it if he does come back, you have accepted the pattern and that will be that…. Not an easy life choice. I miss him lately. Maybe because I feel more like my old self. The depth of rage is almost gone. I feel grounded. Healthy. No pain. Feels like who I was before that hell happened. And then you know what helps? I think… he is no different than Trump. And really, UGH! Swap out Trump for the narc and I am cured of the nostagia fairly quickly.
Dear Sarabella, thank you for taking the time to share! I feel jealous you went Super Nova on your narc. I never dared to express my anger and hurt to the narc. I would just stuff down the pain, the disappointment, the anguish, and continue praising and complimenting him. Now I feel like I should have at least left with a bang not a compliant submissive and ever adoring doormat. I am happy for you that the pain is gone but you are entering a zone of danger. Now that you are regaining yourself, it is when the time is getting ripe for the narc to hoover. I know you have a bet with HG but I really think your narc is not done. Be on your guard! By the way, the narc I got entangled with also told me, “I am not going anywhere,” which was so reassuring at the time. It is uncanny how they know just what to say that is like salve to our soul.
I am honestly not worried. I didn’t mean anything to him. I am not in his realm of influence and he has no need to come after me. He has plenty of fuel from elsewhere. Even if he ever did, I feel no vulnerability to him anymore. My life is too good right now. It just wouldn’t work.
MB
Yes, its a case of dont do what I do and seems contradictory. I fuel him intermittently because I am not a love devotee, not in love or addicted to him, and it does not affect me negatively. He has a tough job that allows children to be safe from abuse and that is important to me, so the Saviour in me induges him when he needs additional fuel and the Super and Narc in me protects me.
I am not a love devotee. Romantic comedies bore me.
I agree NA. Playing with fire can be a lot of fun, especially if you can’t get burned. You’re are a rare breed Lady.
isn’t it more about who wants confidential/ i don’t HG
That is part of it Lynn, but it is also the time it takes, the need for detailed information and the detail I convey. That is outwith the parameters of the comments on the blog.
Lynn, you will be ASTOUNDED by the information and insight HG provides in the Skype consultation. It is worth way more than he charges. You won’t be disappointed.
Thank you MB. I agree.
sorry I MB I only just became aware of your message. Thank you I so wish I could partake in a Skype with HG I feel sure he would be amazing help I would love to speak with him but sadly at this time I don’t have the funds available I wish I did. but I’m having e mail consultation. find it frustrating though because I need to explain so much and am only allowed a 1000 words to do so which sounds alot but isn’t when your questions are around the whole picture. ie if your narc has the behaviours but not all the traits so you have to try to explain so HG can tell me if he is. sometimes I feel really sure then other times I’m not. he’s discarded me now but I think I can move on easier if I know all the answers x
*Psssst*…LYNN, if your hesitation stems at all from wondering if a consultation is worth it…it IS.
but everything is personal on here where do you draw the line HG?
People know this is a public forum so they are their own judge in that regard.
Im bloody computer eliterate wheres the f….. menu bar lol
e-mail me at narcissist1909@gmail.com and I will provide you with direct links
Thanks
Gabby
No your emotional thinking is just finding another way to keep you entangled with your addiction.
The bottom line is it doesn’t matter if anything was real or not.
HG
I have learned much at Tudor U and it has caused me to change many of my viewpoints and behaviours. For example, I have not engaged with a narcisist intimately in the flesh since last April and I have not responded to contact from them save for one that I fuel voluntarily (and thanks to you-knowing full well what he is) through text, but I am not in love or addicted to him. I have been reluctant to mention this in case others think it is possible to be friends with them if they still have romantic feelings for them. You cannot. Sooo…………
Recently through an app one of your kind started a conversation with me (this happens often but I usually quickly put them off). I answered him, and because it has been a long time since I have been formally seduced, I decided to put him against your checklist. I am pleased to report that your information is 100% predictive and accurate (as I knew it would be)as this is a condensed version of exchanges over only a 3 day period:
Gave me his email within 2 exchanges and encouraged I do the same but “no pressure”
“Fascinating that a immediate connection was made between us and that the lack of more frequent communication has caused a such a strong desire in me to have even more”
Mentions email again
I can only think of you now. We must communicate as much as possible.
“I admit that well………I am hooked”
“Good thing I can multi-task as you have taken over a portion of my brain separate from my patients” ( I couldnt resist and responded here that its excellent that he can compartmentalize lol.)
Turns sexual within 10 exchanges.
“You were my last thought at night and my first this morning. I hoped to find a little something in my email from you. I must know everything about you-as much as you can share” (no pressure though lol)
“I feel you and I are in the same cognitive vortex” (hahaha wtf?)
“Do you have any religious affiliations?”
“You are like a gift just out of reach and my passion catalyst”
Another discrete request for email and phone contact citing “ restrictions” on the app used.
When I sent a photo his response was: Mine!!!!!!!
But heres my favourite:
“ I truly believe you could never disappoint me”
Well sorry-but that IS going to happen.
Textbook.
Oh, hes a Neurologist (confirmed-Ive checked out both him and his practice). They really are everywhere.
Kids: Listen to HG and dont try this at home.
Wise words as ever NA.
I miss this.
Still don’t know how to respond to normals or to understand their ways and they don’t seem to know what to do with my emotional self.
Ava, I have same issue . . . .my emotions prevent me from getting involved. I’ve always been due too passionate, compassionate, etc fir most men, including lesser or mid- narcs. Lack of understanding, but this includes love of music, art, pretty much anything I become engrossed in! Men understand me more than women tho . . . is that odd?
Please if u ever figure this dilemma out, contact me lol
Haha, Melinda, I will. 🙂
My idea was to find someone like me, but of course that would include him being a narc magnet himself as it turns out ….
No, I do think that the vibes between men and women are different.
I’m kind of dating someone who seems to feel the music as deeply as I do, but he is very slow paced, very nice, but no charme, etc. in the same way as narcs display. So I try to appreciate that. 😉 No 100 messages per day, but one which has true meaning.
NA,
Even reading what he wrote to you makes me cringe. I have lost the whole, ‘Maybe he is just lonely/wants to be friendly/don’t judge him so harshly’ reaction.
I had one tell me the ‘MINE’ comment after seeing photos of me. Told me I was perfect and everything he could ever want in a gf and that I’d be such a rewarding challenge. LOL
He never even met me. That guy sounds like creep central. Stay away from that dude.
But you could always use him for research purposes. Ask him about his ex. Was she crazy/abusive/cheated on him?
Talk about a talent/passion you have that does not relate back to him and he will not even care a whit what you say.
That kind of talk doesn’t flatter me in the least bit anymore.
Bibi
Im not flattered and it is for research (ish) purposes. I just thought it was a good example to highlight a few things:
HGs accuracy in identifying their behaviours to us and confirming what we have learned here.
Being able to see how cloying and ridiculous it is when you are not personally involved but watching from the sideline. This is why I say the ego of the empath is being fed because really- who could swallow that this stuff is normal? You would warn a friend against it and yet people accept it for themselves.
There is no ex. I know he is married but there has been no discussion about status or mention of her.
Another (seemingly) very respected and caring person in a responsible and admired profession.
Ok, and it is a little fun for me lol.
NA:
Yuck.
He is going to be majorly wounded when he finds that you are unwilling to throw yourself at him.
When I was younger, older guys who used to engage in such behavior always creeped me out and I immediately turned off because I didn’t like the way they made me feel (object).
I can say that sort of speak only worked on me once when I was in a very bad mental state, and the guy was a year younger than I, and so I assumed he regarded me as a ‘peer’ and not inferior.
I was very naive, he was very attractive and a friend of a friend and he didn’t do it right away like this neurologist, but slowly worked his way up, till before I knew it, everything was sex talk.
He was cunning in how he managed to slowly earn my trust. The only reason I was ‘flattered’ at the time was because I assumed his feelings were genuine and plus my ego was in overdrive believing I was hot shit.
And yes, when you observe from the sidelines it is total clown shoes.
“Fuel voluntarily” I’m shocked NA. In a good way.
NA, did you ever accidentally laugh when he said this stuff? Cognitive vortex, passion catalyst? I’ve heard a lot of word vomit but those are new to me.
I’m still trying to figure who exactly “cognitive vortex” and “passion catalyst” would work on?
Or did work on, previously.
Wait, did he have a British accent?
Because I could see how ‘cognitive vortex” enunciated a certain way, with a certain tone would *work* for some…
Those phrases sounds like things that my MMRN would say. 🙄🤦🏻♀️
Lol…that was funny.
Oh lordy. That is so similar to how my ex-narc operates on the dating app. Switch out email for phone number to text, and swap out for another high-flying career, and you’ve nailed him.
And they are all over Facebook NA and I mean all over it. Facebook is crawl with Zombies I mean Narcs
NA, I admit I have been playing with fire, too. I have 2 case studies. One is boring Mid- and the other I have had an emotional relationship with for about 11 years. When I told him I was reading HG, he became intrigued . . . admitted to me he’s a ‘recovering’ sociopath. A brilliant psychologist who has been my grief counselor for those 11 years. Blew me away with that confession . . . .
Blownaway
Mids make me throw up a little bit in my mouth. As for the rest of your post………theres just all kinds of wrong there lol……
Secondary Source – Work
– So even as a secondary source, these are applicable, excluding the love portion.
In place of love my narc liked to say, “God had a reason for us to meet.” True, but not in the sense of what she was thinking. I am but another step closer to her own destruction.
Everything I did she did. This is easy enough, as they all do this to a minimum.
Yeah the Discard and Smear is coming. But I already understand her every word and action, so if nothing else I knew it, and the fuel won’t be nearly what she thought.
I really like St Sebastian
Sarabella,
You are describing my journey. The same exact thing happened with my narc too. He told me all the time “you are obsessed with me, you need to be rid of me, give me space, move on, you’ll do it if you love me”. I backed off and left him alone for 5 months! And he hoovered me (via Instagram likes and follow up texting) on his wedding anniversary! And before I knew what was happening we picked up where we left off. The only difference that time was that his engagements with me became even more intermittent and ghostable. And he withdrew from me on an even larger scale, if at all possible. HG tells me they try to act all noble like the “good guy” and stuff. It’s all bullshit and contradictory.
I find that I often mirrored him too. Only difference was I wanted to take an interest in those things. Like his piano shows and other jazz/classical music stuff, super hero stuff, etc. that he was into. He also had a huge vocabulary too and now I find that trait is stuck with me. Over time and often out of nowhere I began incorporating more and more vocab words I never used to use. It’s almost like that trait of his rubbed off on ME. And while I enjoy bettering my vocab and learning new words it annoys me that I cannot seem to shake HIS trait that I have acquired. As I have said many times here, I feel like I am the narc.
Anyway, tangent aside I just wanted to say that everything you wrote resonated with me. What you described was my reality last summer.
Yeah, the “good guy” act. Last time we ever spoke, and it will be the last, he asked why I could not just ‘chill out’, we were good, he wasn’t angry anymore at me, and that he had always just wanted to apologize for what he had done to me decades ago. My jaw dropped. Oh, so his apology was straight forward? What about begging me for photos, to go on line (never did), to visit (did), etc? Conversations about monogomy even. I said what about every thing else? Stop LYING. I said you used me, end of story. That was that. That IS the entire story.
He was such a good guy… just wanted to apologize?!? How many times did I tell him in all of our fights, if he wanted to apologize, he would never, ever have repeated what he did once before to me (reject me), said all of those awful things to me, done what he did and so on…. he would have BEEN a friend.
The good guy? So this is a thing, too. The pervert act, the good guy act, the funny guy act, the humble act… everything just an act.
“The good guy? So this is a thing, too. The pervert act, the good guy act, the funny guy act, the humble act… everything just an act.”
Yeah pretty much. Mine was Mr. Churchy Mc Church. Part of the good guy act. Behind closed doors he was a sexual monster (and I mean that in a horny sex addict kind of way). Everything is one big contradiction.
Yeah, he was also a sex addict. He described himself as insatiable. Sad thing is he thought he was good at it. A friend said the narc thought he was a sexual monster in bed. The depth of his delusions was real. No staying power. He mistook his perversions, his crossing boundaries, for being a good lover.
Challenge, I’m copying/pasting my reply to the other post along similar themes. “I know you are asking HG the question and not me, so I hope you don’t mind my response. My take is that his words constituted a provocation for your delicious fuel (emotion). I say this because how many of us ever really respond with, “You’re right. That’s so logical of you to say narc. Will do. Goodbye.” Much in the same way the future faking is fake, so are the fake goodbyes. Just another use of words to extract your fuel. Nothing of real substance, which is why we must not engage with them else the perpetual mind f-word. But consider the source…me, an empath. If this helps, good. If not, pardon my intrusion on your query to HG.”
Hello DUTG, please allow me to interject by saying that sometimes narcs actually do mean what they say. I know it’s a rare occasion but it does happen. For example, in my case as a shelved secondary source, the narc asked for space for him and his IPPS to work out some personal issues and promised future contact. I complied and have not been reaching out. He has not initiated contact either. It has been several months now. So as you see, this was not a fake goodbye or trying to provoke or whatever else. He did mean exactly what he said, well, the part about him wanting me to give him space. I don’t believe his promise of future contact. I think that part was a future fake. Anyway, I just wanted to show that each situation is different and generalizations are inaccurate. Thanks for reading!
Insatiable Learner,
Since this is something I brought up and weaving through these posts, I will address how I brought it up and actually in a comment in another post where I was asking, what if it wasn’t for fuel the byes, the let go of me, and actually was what he meant?
Exactly that. Maybe he DID mean it. It was always hard to tell because there were so many “you never knows” (future faking), because of all the fake seduction things and because of this… no matter how many times we fought when it was at its peak, no matter how many angry “BYE” from him or bye’s I threw at him… it seemed like he always followed it with some “for now”. Give us a break. Give him time. Give us time. Time, time, time. Even the very last time we ever spoke 13 months ago, he raged at me for a paragraph, said move on, forget about me, let me go, stop fighting for me, and then the last sentence was “but we will see”. Even after all our fighting before that, he reached out to a mutual friend, who didn’t know a thing about me, to bring her in as a Lieutenant. Thats alot of effort for someone who claims to be “done” with me, don’t you think? We had no more connections anymore. The debt was cleared, we had no reason to talk anymore, the link was gone.
I felt he ALWAYS left some tiny door open. But now I am wondering, maybe that tiny door was his way of trying to make himself feel better for what he had done to me. He really did mean it all and the tiny door was just so HE didn’t feel like the total heel and loser that he is? His little act to make himself feel good to HIMSELF, not to me, that he is a good guy. Like this: “See, how generous I am? You crazy girl did all these things, but I am willing to forgive you if you just count to 10 before speaking to me, bite your tongue and behave.” It wasn’t for me, for us, that the little door was left open by him as it seemed. It was so he could feel ok about how much of a total asshole dick he was to me.
I know it doesn’t matter in the end, really. As he even said, what is done is done. Only he used that phrase against me after I went after him for my money and had reached out to allies for help in going after it; I supposedly had betrayed HIM by doing that even though, he had taken that money and LIED about what he had done with his so it was ME who had been betrayed. It was all my fault according to him.
But at the core of it, really, maybe they ARE done and some narcs DO mean it. Maybe, those of us empaths who are not codependent and do go Super Nova do find the end of a Narc’s tolerance?
This is why I have a bet with HG. I think he really DID mean it. He is NOT EVER going to hoover me. I am not asking him to, not secretly wishing it as some here suggest. Its just the tail end of the gaslighting smelling up my head sometimes.
Maybe it was my own wishful thinking, hope, hurt, shock that prevented me from ever believing the truth of what he was and had done and that it was his fun and games and he was in fact done. I can’t take all the blame for not walking right away as mentioned above as the gaslighting was slow to build. I can’t say that there is some fundamental broken part of me that let that go on. But maybe it really was me nevertheless who chose to hear what I WANTED to hear?
Even if HG has his way of operating and his views, humans aren’t robots and maybe for many narcs, not him, they do have an end point.
Editing to add:
the friend he went to didn’t know a thing about me AND HIM. She had NO idea we were ‘friends’. But he brought her in and she only told me about it later on when I went for help with her and only then found out he had already beat me to her with his fake concerns for me and asked her to reach out to me. That was alot of work for someone who wanted ME to let go of him.
I am going to reply to all 3 of you here since it is easier…
DUTG, I do not mind. I ask HG so many questions I know there is no way he can ever respond to all of them. I do not mind your interjection.
Insatiable Learner,
Mine told me something similar but he said we “needed space for our own good” so we could “have a healthy friendship someday”. I backed off for 5 months and left him alone until he liked pics and texted on his wedding anniversary. I get what you are saying but I can never know if anything they say has any inkling of truth to it.
Twilight,
I did not mean that the bettering of myself was a bad thing. It more or less annoys me because it makes me think of him. If I was able to better separate it I would not mind and would see it as a positive trait. But that (along with many other things) is just all intertwined up with my thoughts of him now. I tend to get annoyed with myself now when a big vocabulary word comes out of my mouth (or my texting fingers) because it just makes me remember stuff he used to say to me whenever it happened in OUR conversations. Like he’d say something like “great word!” or “I love your vocabulary”. I’d reply with “thanks” or “I love YOUR vocabulary”. Sometimes my brain will not stop churning or overthinking and for a quick moment I wonder if he really talks like that in every day life. As in I wish I could be a fly on the wall for the duration of his day and see how he speaks to family, friends, coworkers. See how he writes his email correspondence at work, etc. See if that is how he REALLY is or if it is all fake. Seeing as how I interpret the big vocab rubbing off on me (but it is now a trait that is with everything and everyone NOT just him so that is how I know I must not be a narc). Okay this is bordering on rambling now so I will just say I hope you know what I am trying to say.
Insatiable, I’m jealous lol! I don’t think I ever got an honest anything from the narc. Well, an honest heart and mind f, but that was all. Cheers!!!
OMG yes the fake goodbyes I have a bunch of those
Gabby
“And while I enjoy bettering my vocab and learning new words it annoys me that I cannot seem to shake HIS trait that I have acquired. As I have said many times here, I feel like I am the narc.”
I don’t doubt you feel like a narc, who doesn’t at some point when dealing with the after effects.
If bettering yourself came out of something he did, is it really a bad thing or is just a bad thing because he is a narc and it gives you something to hang on to?
Twilight,
Final thought on my reply to you above. I think it is more the “not knowing” what is real and what is fake. I never had a vocab like his when I first met him and got involved with him so to me I have a feeling like maybe that was a real trait of his. A trait of his that I mirrored and began copying? But the only difference is that I continue to have that trait now despite his pulling away.
I know there are all types and categories of narc as HG tells us but surely they must all still have some unique personality traits that are NOT fake right? I guess that is what gets me. The “not knowing” what is real or fake. I know many will say “who cares they’re a narc” but I guess to me he is still a person even if he is a disordered contradictory shit-head. I just want to know what personality traits, if any are actually him and not fakery.
Yeah, sorting that out could be never ending. What was real, what was show. I think the goodness in us wants and needs to do that. I think as I end this journey as I have little bits to still clear up, the bottom line is he is ALL of them. That is who he is. Its hard to wrap your head around it but with distance, I get it more.
I am watching the serious “The Killing” . Its a good (bad) crime/drama series. It intrigues me. The second season has a CHILLING scene and I thought of HG. Short story is a man wrongfully accused of murder is being sentenced to death. He has been moved to the part of jaile where they go before being executed. There, a fellow inmate starts off kind, speaks of god, of love, of hope, forgiveness, pain and redemption …. he seems so genuine. The falsely accused man is trying to appeal his sentence and its down to the wire.
One day, he and the other inmate are out in the yard talking. The other inmate begins to seduce the sentenced man to reach out one more time for hope, for redemption and forgiveness. Encourages him to face his pain and his losses. The man slowly is pulled in, finally drops to the ground and is crying for god. And then you hear this laughing. And they pan up to the other inmate standing in the cage next to him. And that guy is laughing…
“Oh man, you should see yourself. I thought you would be harder to break”. He then goes on to describe how he feels when he kill people with his hands but behind bars, he couldn’t kill. So, he said, “I have been killing you since you walked in”. With my words. You are all so predictable he says. And he just laughs at the crying inmate who stops crying and is sitting there, stunned in his soul rape by the fellow inmate. The man keeps laughing, and then just stops. “I am so bored”, he says. “You are all so predictable and boring” .. and he walks away.
Doesn’t HG say that he is killing his victims the moment he meets them? When my narc said let him go, he is done, that was his version of “You are so boring, I was killing you the moment I went after you but now I am done.”
Maybe they are that psychopathic like that scene. I highly recommend people to watch that scene. (Hmm, maybe HG was an advisor on that part!). It just nails it. Nothing is real or fake, they are all of it. Just a collage of things without any cohesion inside. And in the end, we need to decide what we want to pay attention to.
In my case, it was his adamant, “Go away”. I tried to believe the good things at one point, forgiving, tolerant, believing his seductions of how hard his life was. Then I got lost in the contradictions, the push/pull, the word salad. And now, I have settled on fully believing he really meant it. Go away. That’s my choice now. Go away means no matter what he ever says or does, at his core, he means, Go Away.
Even if you sort out what is real or not, you still have to make some decision about what you want to pay attention to with all those contradictions. I finally chose to pay attention to the “Let Me Go, forget about me”. He said it enough, he must have really meant it and I was too stubborn to hear it.
So it doesn’t matter if maybe others see good in him. Or that he has it. That there is something real somewhere. Where he and I are concerned, in our dynamics, he wants me gone. So… done. Believing it at last, kills all the last shadow hope that he was even a tiny bit of a decent human being. And as HG says, Hope is one of our sins. Hope keeps us from seeing that the man next to us laughing at our hurt. Literally, laughing.
Gabrielle, I don’t think it makes sense to try and separate the ‘real’ from the ‘unreal’. All of him is ‘real’.
I don’t remember from your previous posts – are you or have you been in therapy? Do you have any mental health issues that could be causing your emotional thinking?
HG will you be commenting on my comment? is this how this works?
I may well do, once I have read it.
My Narc has blocked me so if number 4 is correct that must mean he is not a narc?
I sometimes wonder about the mirroring with narcs and empaths. I found myself saying very similar things to him. Thing I have never said to anyone before. When I look back, I think that I was mirroring things he was saying, suggesting, or alluding to. Being more direct in some ways. But feeling like if he had said them to me, or similar things, then he was giving me permission to return such sentiment/emotion. Turns out, he didn’t want to hear any of it. I wonder if they were even ever true on my part. Such is the damage a narc does, such is the level of doubt, of second guessing. What he said to me, and I mirrored back later, because “I can’t deal your infatuation” followed by him saying “give me up, let me go, forget about me, move on with your life.”
So I have in action (no more communicating) and am doing just as he asked. Not easy sometimes. I thought I believed in what he said, I thought he had believed in it.
Anger and rage is gone, but sometimes, I feel sad and longing but know, its not about him anymore. Never was I guess, never will be.
HG I wish I knew if he was a narc, he fits the bill in so many ways but never talked about his exs and has blocked me so I may be wrong. Maybe I need to send you the full story but guess its too long to put on here so would it be best by email? would you then have to reply by email or could you on here? If you have to reply by email do I pay? I don’t mind if its all on here as not confidential. phew
Lynn
Hi Lynn, detail personal situations are the preserve of consultations. I respond to you privately. If you have a look in the menu bar of the blog you will see more information about consultations.
HG, I would greatly appreciate your help on some distinctions between a narcissist and a narcissistic sociopath. I am not a psychology student, and although I recognize there are a few crossover traits there are also traits specific to psychopathy and sociopathy. However the information I have read is somewhat diverse and very much watered down. I was hoping you could shed some light on this.
Thank you very much.