This Time It Will Work
When you first come into my sights, when you appear between those crosshairs and I sense your empathic qualities, your adherence to the traits which make you so attractive to me, I am filled with optimism. I have spoken on many occasions about my need to extract fuel on a daily basis. This ritual necessitates the acquisition of someone who will be my primary source and then a whole host of secondary and tertiary sources who are drawn from friends, family, strangers, colleagues and so forth. It is a ceaseless task but one which I am built for, one I have been designed for and one which I will always apply myself to. I prefer to conserve my energies and that is why I live in hope that this time the person that I have targeted will be the one who will not let me down. On this occasion I have found the person who will be my primary source so that I never have to embark on the devaluation of this person because they have failed in their obligation to provide me with fuel. Many people may regard me as prejudicial person and it is true that I pre-judge people, but only ever do so on the basis of satisfactory evidence. I look for the necessary traits in how you interact with others, the things that you say and what you do. I watch carefully before I make my move. When I see the very things which I cherish and require for the purposes of gathering fuel, I experience an elation. There is excitement and anticipation. Mostly it is because of the fuel which I hope to gather from you, that delicious and golden fuel which super charges me, invigorates me and provides me with the power to sail through life charming and attracting. However, my excitement is not all based on the anticipation of tasting your fuel. No, a significant part of my anticipation is borne out of the fact that you might just be the one. You could be that person who does not let me down. You could be the one who finally provides me with such sweet fuel that I never have to go elsewhere for a primary supply. I cannot give up my supplementary sources as they are a reserve and a contingency for when I am not able to draw my main fuel from you as my primary source. This is not because I have cast you aside or because you have committed that treacherous act of escaping me and instigating no contact. Not at all. The reserve is required because owing to various factors I cannot be by your side every hour of day or in some form of contact with you to this extent. This means that much as I delight in your sweet, sweet fuel, I am forced to obtain it elsewhere and this is from those supplementary sources. It is you however that I still look to for the best fuel. You who I look to in order to provide me with the most fuel and to do so with comforting regularity. I want this fuel from just one primary source. You seem to think that I revel in the abuse that I dole out when I devalue my primary source victim, but I do not. It may look that way, a side effect of the power that courses through me as I drink deep of that negative fuel but in truth I would much rather never have to go down that route. I would prefer that you continue to pump out that positive fuel to such an extent that it always remains satisfactory for me. I want you to be the one that is always there, reliable, dependable and magnificent in the production of your fuel. You would benefit too. There would be no awful abuse as devaluation takes place. There would be no mystifying discard (mystifying to you at least – it makes perfect sense to me) and then I would not even have to go to the trouble of applying various types of hoover in order to bring you back to me. Imagine avoiding all of that and remaining in the glorious golden period of seduction the whole time? I know how much you love that. I have seen it in your eyes, I have seen you speak of it and of course I have seen how hard you have fought at times to recover it. You adore and worship the golden period and you can have that. You can have that all the time. All I ask of you is to keep providing me with that fuel at the potency and level that is appropriate and demanded. It cannot be too difficult for you can it? You once did it. You provided it brilliantly but then you let me down by not providing the quality I was used to. You diminished the frequency and became unreliable, thus hurting me and that could not be countenanced. You had to be hurt in return. There was no hope for any other way. Imagine being able to avoid bringing all that horror on yourself as you keep doing what is necessary. You keep giving me my fuel at the prescribed level and in return you get to stay in the golden period forever. This is what I hope for too and you think that I am selfish. Not at all. We both win. You have the golden period and I have the golden fuel. This is what I hope for each time a new target presents itself and I begin my work to consider moving to the seduction of this target. I am filled with hope, I am filled with optimism that this time, just for once, you will keep on doing what I need and you will not let me down. No matter how many times this has happened in the past. No matter how many times I have been betrayed and hurt by the treasonable conduct of those who said, so many times, that they loved me and they always would, I have always continued to believe in the power and capacity that the next target may just be the one. I am not a bad person for believing in that way am I? I just want to find the right one for me. Just like you do.
You want to find the person that you will love for the rest of your life, I want to find the person whose fuel I will love for the rest of my life. Surely you can understand and appreciate that? Surely you must accept that such a notion is noble? Surely you understand why I always think that you might be the one. This time.
55 thoughts on “This Time It Will Work”
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HG, I heard many say for narcissists, feelings are facts. Is this true?
I can understand that observation it is really whether our feeling is positive or negative about the relevant appliance. Our view makes it a fact. So when viewed white that dress is gorgeous – fact. When viewed black that same dress is awful – fact.
Thank you, HG. That explains why a narc characterized the same behavior/ reaction by the discarded IPPS one way (negatively) and another way (positively) when demonstrated by the new IPPS.
How about this dress?
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/disney-mickey-minnie-mouse-love-dress-little-girls?ID=5536624&CategoryID=80550#fn=sp%3D1%26spc%3D135%26ruleId%3D78%26searchPass%3DexactMultiMatch%26slotId%3D45
I wouldn’t wear this one to a date but I hope you get what I want to say. For me, any many others, I hope, people are a bit like this dress.
I try very hard every day not to focus on the Mickey Mouse side only, on some days with more success than on others, sure. But focusing on Minnie’s side mostly is achieved with greater understanding of one’s own Mickey side, I think.
And thank you, I’ll keep the picture for reference (to say, I wouldn’t find it without your comment, HG)!
Narcissist and emotional thinking in the same sentence!?! I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy again!
I have a question about being ‘the one’ HG.
I’m an IPSS & on shelf. My pf is potent, traits & benefits attractive but he knows I don’t get jealous over anything. Is that why he didn’t make me IPPS & could it stop me being ‘the one’ in future?
It may well be a factor but I do not see it as THE reason. Of course, you do not want to be the IPPS do you?
I do not. Just trying to think ahead in case his logic decides I am suddenly ‘the one’ & he tries to make me IPPS against my will. Or does the narcissist not think like this? And if the narcissist does think like this what triggers/influences him?
Thanks for clearing this up for me.
You are welcome.
Alice, no offense but you may not really know what traits and benefits your narc considers the most important. These will vary from narc to narc. It all depends on a particular narc AND what he needs at a particular time.
HG,
Would you be willing to share your perspective on this?
I texted the N two times today reminding him of the need to go to the court and get divorced.
He replies but doesn’t mention the event or any time we could meet to do this.
I’d call this stalling, but what is the right approach – just to get it over with and go on with our separate lives?
Why do you need to remind him to go to court? If he does not turn up and he knows about the hearing, the court will (usually) make an order in his absence or order him to do x by y failing which z happens. Or perhaps you mean you want him to start the process, if so, can you not do so?
He is stalling and doing so in order to try to keep you attached and to slow down the divorce process.
If the process is on foot, move it forward. If not, start the process yourself. If you do not wish to do so then go on with your separate lives.
It may work differently than in your system: we can do it without hearings. “Hello, we were married, now we don’t want to be anymore.” / “Ah, yes, please sign here and here, and you are good to go.”
So I will have to get him to the place at some point. Or court-order it but I’m not up for that one .
I am sorry to have bothered you, HG.
I understand. You can adopt the approach as set out in How To Make A request of a Narcissist and if that does not work, then you do have the sanction of a court order but I note you are not up to making such an application.
Knowing his every relationship will fail make it easier for us to move on. When the “normal” person breaks up with us, we cry because we know he can find someone he will be happy with to the end of his days and we are jaelous about it. Narcissist can’t be happy with anyone. Their new relationship will fail.
What is hard on the other hand – being aware he never loved us, being aware we were tricked and played. We can’t keep the memories because they are fake. We can’t tell our friend “well, it didnt work out but it was a beautiful experience”. It was a mistake we shouldnt be proud of. I am deeply embarrassed that I loved a mask. My friends are loved by real healthy people. And I was played by a robot, an empty void. It is really embarrassing.
Understandable responses JE which will fade with the application of understanding.
JE, YOUR love was real and that is nothing to be embarrassed about.
JustEmpath, I share your humiliation. It is mortifying to realize that you, an intelligent and desirable woman, were deceived by a despicable android, an utterly contemptible worm. Just remember that your ability to love is a treasure to be cherished. Therefore, guard it well. Put a lock on it, so no lowlife thieving Sack of Shizzle will ever get his greasy paws on it again. Save it for the one that deserves it. Your embarrassment will fade along with the memories, if you just let it. I’m sure by now you know you are DEFINITELY not alone.
Dear JustEmpath (there is nothing “just” about it by the way, we, empaths, should be proud of who we are, we are rare) and others, did you actually feel emptiness about your narc? I remember feeling this emptiness or like a wall even when we were sharing the most intimate moments. Like I could feel the void he has within. Can anyone relate?
HG
So how do your kind feel if your primary source were to be unfaithful to you. What are your thoughts and feelings when this happens HG?
Then when considering your feeling and thoughts of this how do you then rationalise that if it evokes emotions that are too difficult for you to cope with then how do you expect your primary source to cope with those same thoughts and feelings to retain you as their one and only.
Even without empathy you must be able to see that this can never work.
If it does work and your primary source accepts your infidelity but remains true an honourable to you does that really make you fulfilled or does their complete abandonment of their self respect just make you detest them and find them pathetic and unworthy of you?
Lynn
See Cheating on the Narcissist
Hope springs eternal, right? I prescribe to that belief, but there was a time when I aimed it at the wrong person and doing so almost destroyed me. HG, you’ve said that every fuel source becomes stale to you, eventually. Even if they keep loving, giving, caring for you at the same intensity, it begins to feel less potent to you. I remember you used the analogy of ice cream. The highest quality strawberry ice cream on the planet starts out tasting like heaven, but you grow tired of it and become sick of the sight of it and angry that you even have to eat it. Do you, as a Greater, really have any moment of flickering illusion that this dynamic will ever change? Is the surge of power from fresh, potent fuel the closest your kind gets to hope?
Does it need to change, that is the question.
HG
Thank you for replying to me via this article.
Is it because of the narcissist’s inability to love (the person) that disappointment on his part is inevitable even though the victim demonstrates her love for him with all her heart & soul?
He craves love but is unable to feel it when given to him?
If the victim knows he is a narcissist, wishes to maintain the relationship (for the time being) & therefore uses the knowledge & tools to repeatedly provide potent positive fuel, how will this affect the relationship?
Thank you again
We feel love because it is fuel.
HG
Thank you.
But how does the narcissist “feel” love, just as a sense of feeling powerful or can he actually experience the love shown him as the care, respect & trust of genuine, unconditional love?
Love is fuel which equals a sensation of power/the removal of the sensation of restlessness, impending doom
So “love” as a concept could just be felt differently depending on who is perceiving it? Why do you say what you feel is not love? It is intangible anyway, like ghosts.
I agree, as Haddaway once sang “What Is Love?” One might argue that we (narcissists) have our own version of love. It is considerably different from that of people who are regarded as empathic and normal. In order to avoid confusing people, I maintain the distinction between what empathic and normal people understand and feel as love and therefore narcissists do not.
Well that just made my day! That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
HG
Thanks for the ear worm. I’ll be picturing the Butabi brothers dancing all night now.
Did you really just quote Haddaway?🤣🤣🤣
See that’s why you can get away with anything. To me if a person is funny, they’re granted immunity. It’s why so many of my favourite people are assholes.
Thanks for the Saturday morning giggles!
HG
At what point does a Narcissist conclude that its not working and its never going to work out for him ? I mean cognitively you have to know this at some point
In what context?
You know in the end it will ALWAYS fail. Every. Single. Time. You know this so why keep trying ?
So why do you?
There it is! Drop the mic! Bam!
Boom!!
ahahaha because Im Codepebdent.
Want to dance ?
And KA-BOOM. I raise you a Ka!
Here’s the deal. I am a diagnosed Codependent we all know that which means I will try beyond what normals will do however I am perfectly capable of a normal relationship with a normal and have had them. The one thing struggle with is boredom. I will tend to get bored with normals
I do have awareness of my dysfunction. And if I’m honest the “trying” is seeking validation your “trying” is fuel but I do not regard my situation as good. I am aware that it is not good and the effects it’s had. I can accept and process emotionally that it’s not good. Am I cured? Heck no or wouldn’t be here but I’m substantially better than I was about 7 years ago without awareness
Awareness doesn’t translate cured anymore than it does for the Narc. It takes active practice and I don’t do that nearly as much as I should
HG, you are the best!
Thank you. I cannot disagree.
I want to apologize for my outburst-supernova. Been feeling so damn sad.
I was completely triggered by a comment that sounded like how my ex would say an act. It’s nobody’s fault. My ex poses as men, and women.
So what if it’s him. I want and need to be here.
I believe that Lessers and Mid-Rangers really hope the new victim will be the one. But you HG? As a Greater with self awareness? You know it’s impossible for a normal human being to give you that golden fuel all the time. Even if you were with a robot programmed to fuel you, if would become stale. This is your nature, you become bored quickly.
Yes, this is where there is a clash between emotional thinking (This time it will work, this is the one etc) and logic (all others have failed, why then should this be any different).
Yes, IS, I believe I have and that this comes from the unbalanced distribution of wanting to give vs. wanting to take.
Eg. I saw the sentence
“Empaths should be proud of themselves” – but are we? Usually not, and for me it can be because once I am, narcs will jump out of nowhere to remind me that is not the case.
So, I think silence is best to recommend. Let them wonder, what the hell! (That is if you can stop yourselves – it can be tricky while you still care and don’t see much of a problem with it yet – like for a remote narcissistic friend)
What do you think, HG?
HG,
I dont understand … Why do you then try to drag someone back into a formal relationship again, when you are already convinced that this is not the one???
Fuel, punishment, character traits, residual benefits.
Must be one hell of a lucky lady, then! My best regards (if not jealous enough to accept)!
HG, this is contradiction
when…
1. her fuel was once stale and didn’t provide it anymore
(this assures, that person can not be the one)
2. if you need to punish someone
(this assures, that person can not be the one)
3. What you can get from that character traits, when that person once was bad one and painted black
(this assures, that person can not be the one)
4. in 4th case looks like, the residual benefits is the one, not that person
(this assures, that person can not be the one)
Why you still need that person back in formal relationship (To be the one)?
Do you think that someone who convinces that can not be the one, can be the one, after all and why?
thx
It is the effect of black and white thinking which in essence is driven by a narcissist’s own emotional thinking which overrides logic.
Haha Resistant, this is brilliant! “Do you think that someone who convinces that can not be the one, can be the one, after all and why.”
I’d like to know HG’s take on it as well, please!
I personally think that with cooperation from the other side (who in my own perspective is a person, regardless of anybody’s differing perspective) it could be worth a try.
We are not cats with nine lives!
HG,
in which article I can read something more about narcissist’s own emotional thinking?
Read the book Fury and the article Infatuated.