Why Won’t The Narcissist Answer My Text Messages – Part One
During your seduction if we were not bombarding you with those delicious text messages complimenting you, inviting you out and describing what we would like to do to you in bed that night, then when you answered us you would invariably receive a lightning quick response. This is all part of the conditioning which is part of the seduction see Message Hook .Even if we were driving we managed to rattle off a reply, during a meeting there would be a surreptitious response texted from underneath the desk or boardroom table and what about those late night messages which made you smile and think about us? Yes, we were ensconced in our bolt hole be it the study or a silent trip to the bathroom or even we lay in bed texting you as the outgoing primary source slept beside us oblivious to what was going on. Heady and exciting times indeed.
All of that has now changed. You send a text and there is no response. You send another. No answer. You issue another text. Still no reply. You know of no reason why we cannot respond, in fact you checked we would be around this morning and we said that we would. We used to answer at any time. Your pleasant enquiries soon take on the tone of concern, irritation, hurt and anger as every time you send one there is no response from us. Why does this happen?
There are a number of factors involved in our behaviour when we are not answering your text messages and this includes what type of appliance you are, the stage you are in during the narcissistic cycle and what school of narcissist that you are dealing with.
The Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”)
The most likely form of appliance which asks the question as to why he or she is not replying to the text messages.
Seduction
It is extremely rare for us not to answer your text messages during seduction. As I have described above, anytime, anyplace and anywhere we will be looking to text you and respond to your messages as part of the love-bombing seduction. It is worth pointing out that this period is not the initial stages of the seduction (you will be an Intimate Partner Secondary Source or Non-Intimate (so far) Secondary Source at that stage, but rather as the seduction has progressed and we have made you our primary source, we continue to embed and bind you to us as part of the golden period. We want to receive your glorious positive fuel and our ‘phone will be about our person as we are loving, caring and attentive. If we do not reply during seduction it is probably because we are grappling an alligator and cannot reach the ‘phone or we have been kidnapped and our hands and feet are tied and our head restrained so we cannot prod the ‘phone with our nose. Yes, it needs to be that extreme to stop us from answering during seduction.
Devaluation
This is where the failure to reply to you is deliberate. We invariably know that you are messaging us because we are rarely without our ‘phone which is the mission control of our operations.
We may have our ‘phone in our pocket and the repeated buzz as you message us is felt. We may look once to confirm that it is you trying to get in touch with us and then we deposit the ‘phone away once again. This is because we are busy seducing somebody else, busy gaining fuel from another source. It does not have to necessarily be somebody who we are trying to bed or recruit to become the new primary source. It might be our inner circle secondary source friends who were are drinking with and thus we are triangulating you with them. They do not know you are messaging, but we do. Accordingly, we gain fuel from the proximity of our inner circle friends whilst the repeated vibration of the ‘phone gives us Thought Fuel as we envisage you becoming more and more frustrated with our failure to answer you.
Alternatively, our ‘phone will be on display. We might be on our own, watching a film, wanting to stay away from you as we dole out this silent treatment. We may alternatively be with other people. Those other people could be inner or outer circle friends, it could be a secondary source which we are busy seducing in order to recruit them as your replacement. We have the ‘phone on display so we can see that it is you who is messaging us and we can see all or part of your messages. This enables us to gain fuel from seeing the emotional content of your messages as you plead with us, insult us, exhibit hurt or concern. If we are alone, giving you a silent treatment from some bolt hole, we gain fuel and feel our power reinforced. If we are with other people they may see your name keep flashing up and even be able to see part of the message. This provides us with an opportunity to gain extra fuel from the reactions of those who are with us. If the people indicate they have seen the message or pass comment we will reply:-
“See what I mean about her trying to spoil my nights out with you guys, she is such a control freak.”
“What can I say dudes? She is just totally obsessed with me, but who can blame her?”
“Who is Rachel? Oh that’s some obsessive ex. Don’t worry about her, she does this all the time. I don’t block her because then she would start stalking me in person again, it is easier to let the ‘phone take the strain.”
“Who is Emma? This is the nutjob I am trying to finish with and as you can see she won’t let go. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about her, tell me more about your favourite films and let me get you another drink.”
“Who is Joanne? I dated her a couple of times. As you can tell she is rather keen on me by how often she is messaging me.”
Thus you are often smeared to the other appliances and their reactions provide fuel. It is also done to encourage the prospective replacement to work harder to gain our attention as per the final comment above.
You receive a silent treatment through our failure to respond, we gain fuel from seeing your messages and if we are triangulating you we will gain fuel from the other appliance or appliances that we are with. It is all calculated.
There may be occasions where we will purposefully read the messages. This is not only done to derive fuel from them but is carried out where we know you will know that we have read the message. We can envisage you getting more and more worked up as you know we are reading but clearly not replying. This provides further fuel and allows our devaluation of you to be made loud and clear to you.
When we do eventually reply be it hours or days later it is done to gather more fuel from you. Invariably your response is one of relief and delight that we have got in touch and we receive a blast of positive fuel. If it is hurt or anger then we receive negative fuel instead. We may not give you any explanation as to why we have not responded deeming you not worthy of one, such is our arrogance. Alternatively, our explanation is framed around your response. If you are giving us positive fuel we will trot out some excuse about not being able to use the ‘phone, the ‘phone being broken etc (see the excuses listed in Being Mobile ) These explanations may sound plausible and even if they do not, you are too relieved and delighted we are back in touch to make an issue about it (something we rely on). Do not accept those explanations. They are all lies. They are said to avoid accountability and the truth is the failure to respond was completely deliberate. If you are giving us negative fuel, then we will blame you for the reason we did not respond in order to provoke you further and gain yet more negative fuel, saying that we needed some space, that you never leave us alone, that you are always trying to control us and such like.
In terms of the type of narcissist who fails to reply to the text messages, the fact is this form of manipulation is used by all of the schools of narcissism. The Lesser is most likely to ignore you completely. He will have gained fuel from the institution of the silent treatment (although the silent treatment is not one of his favoured methods of manipulation) but rather the failure to respond is representative of the compartmentalisation which we engage in ( see Compartment Store ) and the Lesser has closed the door on you (for the time being) as he focusses on dealing with somebody else. Given his lower cognitive function and lower energy levels, he is less likely to juggle two people in the instant and therefore he would rather not be bothered by you at all as he concentrates on drawing fuel from another source, especially that which is being recruited to replace you.
The Mid-Ranger’s favourite method of manipulation is the silent treatment and therefore he will make repeated use of not answering texts in order to control you, make you feel inferior, assert his superiority in this passive aggressive manner and most of all of course to gain fuel. He is most likely to keep the ‘phone in his pocket as he seeks to seduce a new primary source, savouring the vibrations and taking the occasional glance when the target has gone to the bar or to the bathroom. He will have the ‘phone on display when he is alone, delighting in reading your messages and will also make use of allowing you to know he has read the message and still has not replied. He is less likely to be so brazen as to have the ‘phone on display so others can comment on it.
The Greater will delight in having the phone in a prominent position, lighting up and beeping, glancing at it and ensuring that if he is with other people then they see that he is in demand and it allows him to engage in triangulation. It appeals to our sense of superiority and string-pulling that we can demonstrate that someone is trying to get in contact with us and we can brush it off, dismiss istand explain it away as we rope somebody else in and they accept what we are saying without question, allowing us to note that our charm and manipulative guile remain at the top of their game.
If your messages are not being answered there is next to no doubt that you are being manipulated and this is entirely for our benefit.
Part Two examines the reason why text messages are not answered when dealing with Non Intimate Secondary Sources, Intimate Partner Secondary Sources and Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Sources.
35 thoughts on “Why Won’t The Narcissist Answer My Text Messages – Part One”
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This is a very cool site. Well done and thankyou for your insight.
Thank you Ellis, do keep reading.
Far more men are narcissists. Covert narcs are the WORST. This article is DEAD ON ACCURATE narcissistic behavior I experience on a daily basis. Narcissists will say:
” Why would I reply when you’re blowing up my phone, sending rude messages, “accusing me” of doung it intentionally, calling me all kinds of names, etc. blaming you / scolding you while acting like the victim when he’s the perpetrator.
They are perfectly aware of what they are doing. They’re evil and destroy lives and are worse than many convicted felons out there.
1. It is broadly equal between men and women, the difference lie in the sub schools.
2. Covert narcissist is not a useful term – see the video about that topic.
3. Most narcissists are actually unaware.
“Oh that’s some obsessive ex. Don’t worry about her, she does this all the time. I don’t block her because then she would start stalking me in person again
…Thus you are often smeared to the other appliances and their reactions provide fuel”
Narcissists may not be fully aware how destructive this behaviour is because you are only thinking about getting Fuel but every time you smear a target, you are isolating him/her even more. This applies to all kinds of relationships and not only to intimate ones.
HG How do you come up with all you write??? It is mind blowing of the thoughts of information that comes out of you mind…wow….HOW does a Narcissist keep all their supply of women straight? AS mine had a second phone his sex phone. Women he would write daily or women here and there and Rotating us. Yes pet names helped. He kept our texts, e-mails, photos on a file like the cloud. To this day he still has things on me. Photos. It makes my skin crawl. He is a engineer high up or was high up in his company. I think he did sexual harassment at his company and the HR department and company name was getting dragged through the mud on the internet of googling his name and there you go HIS company name too. He is as Bullshit writing a book called Quantifying Human Emotions. My theory is he is using all his data of what he did to us women and how we reacted to the different Narcissist tactics. It is speculation. Thank you for making me once again feel yucky of all the sick things Narc think of and do to us…so yummy how we fill your drug fix…Spiritual Warrior
I am a very hard worker.
There was lady at the gym that was hitting on me non-stop. Of the 54 messages/emojis that were sent only 9 were from me.
That was a love bomb like I had never seen before. She even hinted at me moving in with her… True to Narc. form as I had ever seen. And this was all within 2 weeks time.
The above being said, I avoided her like the plague, though she never really quit trying.
Has part 2 been written ?
Try the search facility and at the same time sing Wishing I Was Lucky and see what happens!
Ha ha – Do you like Wet Wet Wet?
Doesn’t everyone?
True. Who doesn’t like them 🙂
Hahaha
Well let’s face it how lucky can I be? I have had 2 narcs in 10 years. That should tell you all you need to know about my luck ! Lol
This is maddening when they do this! I think mine did it soley to reprimand me if I kept texting him when he didnt answer. Power playing at its finest right there.
I would always catch him texting other girls, including men.
It was as if a hole is a hole, it didn’t matter to him. Anyone would do as long as there was money and free places to live.
He left me , taking my id’s, which he still has, and left me starving and having to sleep in the park for a couple weeks. There was nobody I could call. He took my phone, as he did each time I’d go back. I’d go back and fall for his lies every time. It makes me sick to think it went back so much.
I don’t have to anymore.
But sometimes it’s hard not to entertain the idea.
Everyday it’s an internal fight.
T
Stay here until you cant stomach the idea and its no longer an internal fight. People here will care more for you virtually than he ever will. Besdies, you cant go back – he’ll take your phone lol.
Omg, NA! Thanks for making me laugh! Yes, he would totally take my phone, lol!!!
It’s all tough to digest. Just when I think I’m ok, I realize I know right now I’m too damaged. This is why I’m not going to have a relationship for the next three years. Or longer.
I like cats. I’ll get a cat!
I will stay. I can’t wait to have a better time. I know it can happen, that is if I don’t go back to hell. Thanks again, NA!
T… get 2 cats and a harley lol!
Julie! Lololol!!!
True story.. i bought 2 cats and a new harley. Riding is my therapy. Clears your mind. Petting cats is supposed to lower your blood pressure. I was healthy as a horse before the narc. I now have extremely high blood pressure. Hey, what works right? LOL!
Julie!!! I’m so the cat lady!!! Lol!!! You have re sparked my love for vintage Indians!!!! Thank you for this very happy thought!
Sorry, I get overly exited sometimes and am a dork!
You have been brain washed. I went back hundreds of times. I’m done now though. I escaped. My heart still wants to go back.
But you can do this put yourself first. Mind over heart.
It’s ok don’t look back.
Yes, EM, I have been totally brainwashed. Unfortunately this began in my childhood.
You can recover though. I think mine started back then too. That’s how damage starts. There is hope. Stay strong.
I’m doing EMDR therapy.
I have horrid flashbacks, as I’m sure all of us here do too. The night terrors that have kept me up at night since childhood. And no sleep makes me whacky in the burger box.
In a way, like HG, I like to write. It’s like an obsession that helps me get out of my head.
I’m glad that I’ve found my tribe here where I can be myself…lol, whatever that is.
Hi T,
I am very sorry to hear he left you starving and you had to sleep in the park. You went back because there was nobody you could ask for help. He is the one who should feel sick after what he did to you.
EB, I know now he didn’t care, and never will. That’s what I have a hard time wrapping my head around. At least now I can begin accept what he is.
T-
I’m sorry that you found yourself in such a position (sleeping on a park bench) as a result of your relationship with your narcissist.
I can identify with – not exactly – but similar circumstances. When I was post-formal relationship and in the process of picking up the pieces; I thought that I was moving forward in terms of finding a new place to live and gaining stability. However, in not looking where I was going I realized that I was putting myself in a more dire situation than previously experienced.
At that time many things came to a head all at once. I feared for both my physical safety and my psychological well-being – plus the fallout for others if I did not address those very real concerns.
I was physically and emotionally overwhelmed and realized that the only true safe place (for a time) was a local women’s shelter. Also, I did not lose my phone to someone but my service was suspended and the staff at the shelter don’t pass along phone messages from incoming calls unless it’s an emergency: Best. Thing. Ever.
(I was actually resentful when my cell phone service was reinstated, but I needed it for other things – like typing this post.)
So when I hear you entertaining thoughts of returning to your narc – I gently suggest that you at least allow yourself some safety and some time (because you are entitled to it)…and see how you feel at a later time.
Best wishes.
Thank you, Who Cares!
It’s been tough having been in and out of the shelters.
I just got housing, I share a room with someone, it’s not ideal but for the first time in years that I can call a place home.
I totally understand the turning on of the cell phone. I used to hate having to replace phone after phone.
I had lost everything including much of myself dealing with narcs in my life. It’s interesting to see how many narcissists I recognize, including friend’s I had made. Lol, I feel like a narc magnet.
T –
At least you’re in a safe place for the time being (even if it is not perfect.) For myself, I am not yet where I hope to be in terms my own progression but I’m in a situation of stability and have a supportive environment.
I have learned (the hard way) that getting better and moving forward sometimes means ‘one step forwards & two steps back’ but each time I move forward it is with more insight and greater strength.
Also, in my own situation I’ve learned that sometimes you need to prioritize (majorly) and make an urgent, critical decision (this is where I envy narcissists; as others have expressed) and other times you need to step back and more slowly access your next move – in this case you may as well use that time to gain strength and accept support where it is available.
So good for you getting yourself to where you are now. And even if your personal situation is not ideal, I hope you are able to use it to rest and heal while gaining strength and insight into your experience.
Re: being a narc magnet; it is true once you start to recognize the manipulations you’ll see the people around you more clearly.
Thank you, WC,
It’s awesome to know I’m not alone here.
This is my only support. I have no friends or family to turn to.
And for heaing; I’ve heard that it’s sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly.
T
One step at a time and soon you will see you are creating a bright path for yourself.
Twilight, thank you!!!