A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 5
I don’t want to believe you are a narcissist. Your behaviour had me looking up manipulation and empathy and brought me to descriptions of narcissism that sound so much like the things you say and the way you compose yourself. Still I don’t want to believe it. I like to think you have enjoyed me as a person rather than just as a means to an end. Asking if you are a narcissist wouldn’t bring any good result if it’s so, and would only upset you if you aren’t. The last thing I want to do is upset you in any way.
I feel both relief and stress in the thought that you might be a narcissist. It would explain a lot of things that confused me and I feel less like these things might be my fault. I tried my best, but I’m not able to be what you wanted from me and I need to protect myself. I’ve sensed for a while that being with you is dangerous, and you showed me ways that I could not trust you when I really needed to. Safety and trust are so important. It feels like the fears and worries became too much and a light switch in my mind turned off. I still admire you, you still have my respect. I no longer want to be intimate with you. Please don’t take this as a criticism, I mean no insult. I genuinely care about you. I’m in your corner and will be the truest friend to you if you’ll allow me. I wish positive fuel would be enough for you. We share interests and enjoy similar tastes in art, music, humour, and more. I like to think our interactions were enjoyable for us both when we were friends. Please, let friendship be enough and grant me immunity if you have a need for negative fuel. Please don’t be the way that I fear you are… let me remain your friend.
I will not ask you if you are a narcissist, because I don’t need to know. I already know that there is a chance that you are, but it isn’t a certain thing. I can educate myself on the subject – learning what to expect and how my reactions might be interpreted by you if you are – but I don’t need a confirmation of it being true. I just hope we can return to the friendship that we once enjoyed. You are the one in control of whether or not to allow our friendship, please don’t make me feel like I need to withdraw more to protect myself.
6 thoughts on “A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 5”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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One of the things I found most healing when I was in my Emotional Sea (and it was looong) was the confirmation that I received from others, here and elsewhere, that I could fully embrace the harshness of this reality and still come out the other side. (In fact, I would posit that it may be the only way to come out the other side.) It is an insanely harsh thing to fully accept that an N parent never loved you and never can; that an N “soulmate” was nothing but a mirage; that the best friend you ever had was just manipulating you. But… there is life and hope on the other side of that VERY dark tunnel, but only if you fully accept the darkness and walk through it. (The harsh comments are not meant to poke at wounds. They are meant to encourage the writer and other readers at similar stage to fully accept the darkness, enter the tunnel and keep walking!)
NarcAngel,
Yes, it is a tenuous thing to dangle freshly-minted emotions out on the laundry line. These are not the words of poets long-since dead. These people are alive and recovering and are actively reading the responses of those whom they surely feel a connection to. I agree with you about some of the comments being critical. Many struck me as coming from people on the lower end of the empathy scale and I wondered why they are even drawn to this place. They brought to mind the behaviour of our family chickens, from when I was a child. Those little shits would pick at the reddened wounds of the weaker, less dominant hens. We had to cover their sores with blue-kote to prevent this disturbing behaviour from continuing. I suppose this is the risk of an open forum like ours, but the repercussions of our words can have devastating effects on people who are already sporting some pretty serious wounds.
But back to your point about “then and now”. I’ve thought about this, too and believe it would be an effective and engaging way to illuminate our progress, to show the importance of HG’s writings, as well as his blog site. When the person who wrote the letter gives a response to my comments, it is stirring for me. That connection is powerful and it helps me tend my little patch of hope. Our journey of education and recovery is a long one, so it does seem like we should check back in, to see how they’re doing, now. Also, as you mentioned, it would be interesting to see what our responses would be now. This may be something that HG would also find beneficial. Thank you for engaging on this, NA.
Seeing this prompted me to reread my response to NH’s letter from when HG first posted it back in September. I wouldn’t give a response like that, now. I wouldn’t encourage tepid consideration to any wiggle room for an ongoing relationship with a narcissist (excluding HG, of course). And maybe all this time later, NH has a much more solid understanding of the pointless, dangerous decision to not cut all ties with the narcissist. Their letter today might be a very different one.
It just occurred to me how important it is for us to keep in mind that the content, expression and direction of these letters would likely evolve and change with each passing day of the writer’s enlightenment. I myself have kept an ongoing letter to my narcissist open in Google Docs since the day HG first requested that we submit one. (Thank you btw, HG, as it has turned out to be an important part of my recovery process.) The first draft was a long, emotion filled rant, which served as a catharsis, while I shot from both hips. I’ve returned hundreds of times over the months, changing words and eliminating whole phrases, as my emotions have found level with understanding. My own letter has become much smaller, honed down to a calmer truth, now worn smooth with the hand of time, a few brushstrokes of emotion accenting the words. I think that for many of the writers, the letter they actually submitted merely represents that one moment in the timeline of their recovery when it happened to be penned. In fact, the ONLY letters that would remain constant over time would be from those among us who are the most enlightened, or those of us who are (for now) stuck where they are. Some may think this point is moot. I do not. As empaths, we should temper our responses with this in mind.
Merripen
Excellent point. I wondered also while reading the second time if the writer felt the same now that time has passed and they have furthered their education here. Also, if the responses from those reading would be the same. I remember wondering when the letters were first published if there should be comments made about them at all given that they were the thoughts of that person at that time regardless what anyone else thought and some comments were quite critical. But I understand that they can speak for many who may feel the same and find it hard to put into words and also as a catalyst for further discussion where they do not.
Don’t bother trying to be friends. Been there, done that, gave up. Also dumped another narc friend recently and have not looked back. Now if only I could get rid of my mother…
The tone of this letter sounds very familiar. Welcome to The Truth. Fully embraced it will set you free and open you to an understanding that you and your N can never be friends.