A Glimpse of the Future
It is well known that our kind operate by the wearing of masks. We have learned how to portray those emotions which we do not feel. We have ascertained that in certain situations we are expected to respond in a particular way. We know that by donning a particular mask we are more likely to charm and seduce you. We are aware that maintaining a certain mask the vicious malevolence that lurks beneath can be kept in check so that we achieve acceptability and the advancement of our agendas. There are occasions when we will give you a glimpse of what lies beneath this mask. I am not referring to when we whip the mask off and subject you to devaluation. That is a purposeful and intended act on our part. I am not making reference to when the mask fractures as a consequence of the ignition of our fury and the lesser and mid-range of our kind are unable to keep the mask in place so that the ignited fury erupts and the malicious beast is unleashed. There are occasions however when we provide you with a fleeting glance beneath the mask as to what lies beneath. This will happen during the seduction period. Sometimes it is as a consequence of the effect of a particular agent, such as alcohol. Sometimes, especially with the greater of our kind, it is done as deliberate act in order to gauge your reaction. In such an instance, we tell you of what lies ahead to see if you baulk at the suggestion, or that more likely you respond in a sympathetic manner of even by way of denial.
“I couldn’t ever imagine you doing that.”
“That won’t happen with me though. It might have with other people but I will treat you better than they have.”
“You’re not like that, don’t be silly.”
“I don’t see you doing something like that, you are too nice.”
If you respond in such terms when you have been given such a warning, then this is a green light to us that we have you under our control and that you will accord with our desires and machinations. It also allows us, when we do eventually behave in the manner described down the line during the devaluation, to throw it back in your face by saying.
“I did warn you.”
“Why are you complaining? I was upfront that this would happen.”
“I told you so.”
“It’s no use crying about it now. I told you what I was like.”
“I told you and you chose to stay with me. It is your fault.”
Not only does this enable us to avoid blame, something we must achieve, it will also result in you reacting and providing us with fuel.
With the lesser or mid-range of our kind, these comments are more akin to thinking aloud. The mask does slip, unintentionally for a moment, through the explanation of a future behaviour before it is realised what has been said and the disclosure is brushed to one side, denied or passed off as a silly comment owing to drink or being tired. Why do these comments arise in such a manner from the lesser and mid-range of our kind? Is it guilt or remorse? No, because those emotions are not felt by our kind. It arises from a lack of control. The “bad” behaviour that will arise at some point is lurking beneath the surface and like a cat fighting to get out of a sack, it is always wanting to make an appearance but is prevented from doing so by the maintenance of the mask that is worn. Occasionally, through the loss of control – it may be drink, it may be fatigue, it may be through inattention – what lurks beneath makes a brief and fleeting appearance before the control is exerted once again. Here are fifteen portentous show and tells of our kind. Should you ever hear these comments you ought to pay heed to the warning that you are being given.
- I am a bad person really.
- I will only hurt you.
- You should stay away from me.
- I do bad things. I cannot help it. I always do.
- I will make you wish you had never met me.
- It will go wrong, it always does.
- You will end up hating me.
- You don’t know what you are getting into with me.
- You shouldn’t do this.
- You should leave while you can.
- This is going to turn out badly.
- I have to hurt people.
- I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.
- I just want to fit in.
- I’m not what you think I am.
18 thoughts on “A Glimpse of the Future”
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HG, do they say these things mainly to the IPPS. I’m thinking about all my past relationships with Ns. I was mostly an IPSS. Some very early relationships an IPPS. I can’t really recall much other tben the N who brought me to this site and one other where I was IPSS who said, “I don’t want to mess up this wonderful opportunity”. Do you think they mean it when they say these things, like subconsciously they know they will mess it up or hurt us or whatever it is they say?
They are more likely stated to an IPSS, particularly candidate IPSS. Less often stated to newly embedded IPPS.
Thank you so much HG. This is amazingly interesting. I so wish I had a memory like yours and I could recall past relationships better. I find it so helpful revisiting them and working out exactly what happened and with whom.
You are welcome.
“I could never be what you hoped I was.”
I really wish I had responded with, “OK, thanks, bye.”
Yes I heard some of this too, I had some idea then but stupidly took it to mean that he thought I was special and didn’t want to hurt me, it made me want to accept his bad behaviour so he could keep me and I could help him with his illness, my empathy and love made me want to keep him and help him and also partly my own selfishness, I loved him and couldn’t imagine a happy life without him either. So I took the challenge but now realise it would fail as I was not special I was no different from any other victim.
#6 and #14
Ours was the longest ‘relationship’ he had ever been in . . . 7 months . . . and he’s 38 years old.
Another red flag I consciously chose to ignore. That’s how much I liked him and being around him.
He would use me to fit in; social situations mainly.
I heard, “Run! I am a bad person” and “Do not text me or call me because I will only hurt you, and you deserve better.” I ignored it. My mistake. I should have run.
I heard #1 very early on and dismissed it to his low self esteem.
“I am a bad person, you are a good person. You are the BEST person.”
#3 – Slightly varied, said later on. “You need to be rid of me”
#7 – He did not flat out say this but later on into the relationship he often said “when you meet me you should punch me in the dick because I deserve it” implying that I should hate him, be upset with him, etc.
I heard #15 a few times after I told him how I felt about him and how much I love him. “You love me, you feel strongly for me….you (insert whatever other feelings you want to share here” but that is how YOU feel, that is what I am TO YOU. But that is the point I am trying to make. I am those things TO YOU in YOUR head and that is the only place where I am those things”.
Re: #9. I was not told this but I was asked it in a question many times…”Are you sure you want to do this?” Not sure if that qualifies or not. Perhaps rather than say it, he wanted to ask it because maybe he knew I would immediately say “Yes I do want to do this”. Which I did say. And then followed through with doing.
Hi CF, just wanted to say, I know how it feels to hear this kind of thing. I am starting to think anyone I ever was involved with was a narc.
They are always unavailable, but phrasing things in such a way that they come across as just misunderstood. Like okay, maybe he seems like a jerk, but there is more to him. In one case, a guy even would put himself down and talk about how he would hurt me, but that I was too good for him, but then he wouldn’t let me ever move on. (He was also very religious. Immediately after the first time we had sex, he said he had to leave, that he needed to go home and just focus on God. And I felt sooo guilty for taking his alleged virginity, even though he was the one who initiated it. WTF was I thinking, feeling like I had corrupted this poor innocent virginal guy. I am 99% sure, the whole story about him being one was bullshit.) Sorry to ramble on. It’s just that they will say all kinds of shit to warn us, BUT in such a way that it seems like they really care about us. That is the bait, thinking “He must care or he wouldn’t be concerned about me getting hurt. And he won’t hurt me, he doesn’t give himself enough credit.”
Mary….
Wow!!! My MRN is also very religious too. He plays piano for the church and is always “Jesus this and Jesus that”. He is far from a virgin though. And definitely doe NOT practice what he preaches.
As like yours, he often told me that he did not deserve me, deserve the gifts I made, bought or wrote for him and that I was “too good to him”.
It’s all from the same textbook, so I have heard. I have found that several posters here all deal with similarities between their MRNs.
Challenge Fuel:
Yes, it is all from the same textbook. What’s crazy is how narcs appear to be different from anyone else when we meet them! Unique in how they make us feel compared to others (even when the others have been narcs). But, at the end of the day, they ALL play the same games, they just use different versions of the lies. They aren’t special at all.
HG.. would this be the same if one was to say something like “my exmother in law said I was a dangerous person” .. 3rd party’ish type comments?
It would.
Number 6. It will go wrong, it always does. 🙂
From Surviving Picasso:
”You are in the labytinth of the Minotaur. You should know that the Minotaur consumes at least two maidens a day ”
”I make a lot of mistakes, but so does God” ( my narc always write this to me, I make a lot of mistakes)
I loved that movie and in light of what I know now, I will see it again.
Thanks HG for putting those there. I have heard many of them and always thoughts ( before this site and our consults) that since he was telling me about it, it meant he was aware and wanted to work out these things.
Unfortunately it is not the case. The warning is real and time will show it was more than real. He use to tell me that we have the same problem ( emptiness etc) but I am good and he is bad.
Which may not be so wrong after all.
I once had a man that was someone I knew from my sailing club and we dated a few time and we were very passionate. He took me out in a great restaurant and said that he has known me for many years, knows that I am a good person and knows that one day he will hurt me very bad, that he always does and that he prefers we stop seeing each others now.
I never thought about him as a Narc ( another one… whohwoooo) but I remember how I felt and how serious he was about always hurting all the woman in his life etc.
In any case, they are signs of warning, another one I have heard from 2 of my Narcs was ” Don’t believe everything I say”.. I naively said why?
But I was already suspecting they were lying. Lies… Lies… Lies….
The last one is when this one tells me that by doing such and such he has earned points…. I can tell you everytime he does something very hurtful in the next days. He is putting credit in my emotional bank knowing a big withdraw is coming and it will hurt less than a big withdraw in an already empty account.
I have heard almost all of these and the one I keep hearing over and over and remember exactly where we were was ‘Im not a good person. I’m really not. I have done alot of really bad things’ Clear as a bell I still hear it thats why I will never look the other way when someone shows me or tells me who they really are, and they willwejust need to acknowledge it!!!