House of Discards
The discard. The end of the road, or so you might think. I have mentioned previously that I am of the view that the cessation of our current involvement with you would be better regarded as a dis-engagement because it is temporary in nature. When we bring the current relationship to a halt and there are many ways we achieve this, we will, at some point, return ready to hoover and therefore the discard is really a temporary act unless there is some intervening act. Nevertheless, I will continue to use discard in this article because it is common parlance in the narcissistic debate and it is faster to type than dis-engage. The act of discarding you can occur in many ways but they belong to one of the five houses of discarding. Whilst we are creatures of economy and conservation of our energy and thus exhibit repeated and patterned behaviours, we are not so intransigent as to adopt differing methods of discard should the occasion merit it. Those differences may manifest from victim to victim or you may find yourself on the receiving end of several variants of discards from our kind. Whatever they may be, you will find the method used will belong to one of these five houses.
- The Vanishing Act
Probably the most popular form of discard. As far as you were concerned we were both in a relationship. Admittedly, matters had been difficult if not downright awful for some time, punctuated with periods of respite, but now we have just vanished. You cannot get in contact with us. You have rung our number and if it has not been changed or you have been blocked, it has just rung and rung. You have left repeated voicemails asking where we are, each more fraught that the one before it. Your texts have filled up our inboxes. Enquiries of friends have proven fruitless. Your calls have always been held up by the switchboard or a secretary at work and you have seen neither hide nor hair of us. The days accumulate and there is just a void. This discard is a massive silent treatment. It will take you some time before you realise that you have been discarded and often this comes by way of inference and implication. You are not told to your face or in a message that it has ended. Instead you learnt that we have been seen with someone else in a romantic clinch in a bar or walking down the road. You keep trying to obtain answers but they are not forthcoming. It is bewildering upsetting and hurtful. It is all by design.
You may interpret this form of discard as appearing cowardly on our part, that we could not even face telling you that it was over. It is nothing to do with cowardice. This method of discard happens for the following reasons: –
- We are utterly infatuated with the new primary source which we have ensnared so she is all that matters and you are reduced to an afterthought purely for sucking the last few drops of fuel from, before we delete you;
- We draw one last burst of fuel from your frenetic attempts to contact us. We may see your messages, we may listen to your voicemails and we may even watch you desperately knocking at our door as we peek through the blinds. This all provides us with fuel. Even if we do not witness your attempts to contact us, we still draw fuel from knowing how you will have reacted to this callous act. Once we have drawn this fuel we then forget about you (until it is time to hoover) which makes the silent treatment that this form of discard is, easier to elongate;
- The manner in which it is utilised is designed to annoy and upset. You are made to feel worthless. You did not even merit an explanation. We see no reason to provide one to you. You are worthless in our eyes;
- It reinforces our idea of omnipotence. You are a chess piece which is picked up and moved round the board and we decide when and where you move.
- The Savage Strike
This is where you are told that it is at an end. There can be no doubt in your mind with this particular discard, compared to the Vanishing Act. You are told in no uncertain terms that it is over and you are told precisely why we have decided that it is over.
“I am sick of the sight of you. You are pathetic and I realised I cannot be with someone like you.”
“You are selfish. I do so much for you, yet you never think about me.”
“You think more of the children than you do of me.”
“You have put weight on. I am repulsed by you actually.”
“You don’t make any effort anymore. You dress down, never do anything and I hate it when a bitch lets herself slide.”
“You are a parasite and I cannot stand you taking from me any longer.”
These are but a selection of the horrible and harsh words that will be thrown in your direction. You will be the one to blame for the demise of the relationship. We have been forced to take this action and now we hate you for it. We will insult you, label you and lash out with a verbal tirade. Very little of this will be based on a foundation of truth, but this will not stop us. This approach is adopted for the following reasons: –
- To obtain fuel from you by making you upset and angry, hurt and fearful.
- To identify things which are wrong with you so that you obsess about them. This undermines your confidence and means you will struggle (along with everything else) to move forward which makes hoovering you easier.
- If you make changes based on our insults, then when we hoover, we will see this as underlining our power because you have acted on what we have said.
- There may even be some early triangulation by us comparing you to the new primary source if we decide to twist the knife and tell you that we are leaving you for someone else.
- The Wedge
This discard is so-called because it is designed to keep the door well and truly open for our return and an easy hoover at some future juncture. It lacks the viciousness of the Savage Strike but also applies doubt in the same way as the Vanishing Act but you will at least know why (or at least you will be given some suggestion as to why it is at an end). Expect to hear comments such as: –
“I need some space.”
“I have a lot on and I need time to deal with those other things.”
“I am not sure what I want at the moment.”
“I need time apart to figure a few things out.”
We will not point to anything specific but instead we will rely on amorphous and vague observations all revolving around needing time and space. The ideas behind this form of discard are as follows: –
- It makes us seem like some kind of deep troubled soul which is both intriguing (so it keeps your interest) and draws sympathy (fuel);
- It keeps you hanging on because we make it sound temporary in nature. We just need time to work things out (chase down the new primary source) and therefore you are given the hope that we will come back;
- It creates doubt and confusion so you will not move forward but instead you will hang around waiting for our return;
- You will keep trying to “check in” with us during this discard period which will give us further fuel and allow us to triangulate you (“she is just a friend who is helping me gain perspective”).
- The Golden Wedge
As above but you actually receive a host of back-handed compliments as part of the leaving speech.
“You have been nothing but good for me, but sometimes it is too much so I need a break.”
“You have done more than most, but even that has not been enough and I just some time to figure things out.”
“You are wonderful, wonderful in so many ways. I love you, but I am not in love with you, so I need to be apart until I get that feeling back.”
“Nobody is as special as you are but even then it is too much for someone like me and I need to stand back and decide what I need before moving forward. I know you will understand, you always do.”
Akin to the Wedge this is designed to: –
- Have you think we are still wonderful because we have been so complimentary about you even though we are ending the relationship. Fuel will be forthcoming;
- Sow doubt. If you are so good, why are we sending it? Vague and amorphous answers once again follow to keep you hanging on;
- The terms of departure are as amicable as possible meaning that the eventual hoover is very easy;
- You retain hope and keep “checking in” during the period of discard. We gain fuel.
- Our façade is maintained
5 The False Discard
This is not intended to be a discard although if that does actually happen (although it is rare) we will still manipulate the situation so that it turns out to be a win for us. We will appear earnest and upset as we trot out such comments as: –
“This isn’t working is it? I can see I am hurting you. Perhaps you should end it?”
“Just let me go, please.”
“I am not good enough for you. Please, do the right thing and end it.”
“We’ve taken this as far as we can. It has been wonderful but I think you should draw a line under it, don’t you?”
“Please, just put me out of my misery. I cannot do this to you anymore.”
The intention is to cause you to be alarmed at the suggestion that this should end and therefore you will pour fuel our way with your upset and concern. It allows us to assert more control as we extort from you, your additional submission and obedience as conditions for us staying. Accordingly, we make you upset and anxious before agreeing to continue. We have gained fuel, gained new concessions from you, gained further fuel from your relief but also sowed seeds of doubt which will keep you on your toes going forward.
If in the rare event that you do what we want, we still win. We will have a new primary source waiting as a contingency and then we can tell all and sundry that you ended the relationship. This means we can seek sympathy from other sources, cast you as the villain (assisting our smear campaign) and engaging with the new primary source in the knowledge that you ended it so we are free to choose who we want to be with (conveniently forgetting that we of course had them already lined up and we pressed your finger on the trigger which killed the relationship).
42 thoughts on “House of Discards”
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HG is it possible for a narc to PLAN discards (or shelvings) in advance? Ie. Out of town away from family for construction project a few months and let the DLSIPSS know well in advance that he will be going NC when going home?
Yes.
Would this indicate they are a Greater due to the degree of planning? Or would all schools take advantage of such circumstances?
A Lesser would not plan. Mid Range and Greater would.
Hg has anyone who has ever been discarded by you (or other narcs) ever said that when the narc was discarding them that the narc looked different? Why would that be?
In March when my mid range ex disengaged from me, he came to my apartment and looked and acted normal for about ten minutes then all the sudden he seemed like a completely different person as soon as he started breaking up with me. All the warmth and friendliness was gone and there was a coldness radiating from him.
Yes.
It may well be because of in effect the shutters are brought down or it happens during a bout of ignited fury which results in a contortion of features.
My online narc did #5, the False Discard, quite a few times. The first time was just a week into our “relationship.” After a week of constant sexting and deeper conversation as well, and him popping up in the morning saying “Miss me?” every day, then calling himself my boyfriend. When I asked if that’s how he sees himself, he replied “That’s ridiculous, we barely know each other.”
Then he immediately says “You are at a pivotal point in your life, and it wouldn’t be fair for me to manipulate your feelings. Should I leave you be?” And of course, as you could predict, I said, “No, you woke something up in me and I don’t want to go back to sleep.”
HG, in addition to being a false discard, was that also an example of what you talk about in your “Glimpse of the Future” post? It really was like he flat-out told me he was going to manipulate me, and I begged him not to stop. Why the fuck did I do that?
Ok i didn’t know where to ask this. Because I feel I have been what I feel is discarded, I know that’s not technically true because I’m ipss and that rarely happens Was told we couldn’t have a relationship because of things that were done and that it is best we don’t talk blah blah anyway what happens when you say ok Mr. Lesser you know what ? I think you are absolutely right I agree that we are not right for each other but that doesn’t mean I hate you and won’t be friendly. Would that anger a narc ? That’s when he blocked me. What about that would induce fury? I almost felt like he was mad and that’s why he blocked me
HG: what should I prepare for after rejecting the last goodbye meeting?? I have one pending property issue to sort out which I am doing via minimum email contact. Can exN use that to try and re-establish contact?? There’s been over 15years of back’n’forth conditioning /devalue etc cycles between us. Will he try to use this for his own agenda??? Would appreciate your insight.
Hello Jess, in order to address this properly given the bespoke situation it is best suited to a consultation.
I am impressed by the numerous ways you have to say “get a consultation”. Barely ever a repeat 🙂
Ha ha, thank you Wendy.
Thank you. HG: should I prepare for more future attempts of apologies/goodbyes after rejecting his last one??? I still have one pending property issue to sort out with exN, which I am doing via minimum email exchange. I fear that he may use over 15years’ worth of back and forth conditioning (with me currently a disengaged IPPS) for his own agenda again. Are my fears substantiated????
I have had all of these. The Golden wedges had me doubting…thank you so much for this HG. Just blocked, time to move on. I pray for his wife and children.
Oh no, I’m having second thoughts. What if he is infuriated if he can’t get in contact with me…will he call my house? Talk to my husband? I don’t want to live in fear the rest of my life – advice HG?
Such matters require additional information for the purposes of providing an accurate response and therefore are best dealt with in consultation.
I’d really like to know more about the post-formal relationship relationships, when you’ve escaped then sucked back in, discarded and punished yet they keep trying to possess, control and arrange ‘romantic dates’.
My online narc did #5, the False Discard, quite a few times. The first time was just a week into our “relationship.” After a week of constant sexting and deeper conversation as well, and him popping up in the morning saying “Miss me?” every day, then calling himself my boyfriend. When I asked if that’s how he sees himself, he replied “That’s ridiculous, we barely know each other.”
Then he immediately says “You are at a pivotal point in your life, and it wouldn’t be fair for me to manipulate your feelings. Should I leave you be?” And of course, as you could predict, I said, “No, you woke something up in me and I don’t want to go back to sleep.”
HG, in addition to being a false discard, was that also an example of what you talk about in your “Glimpse of the Future” post? It really was like he flat-out told me he was going to manipulate me, and I begged him not to stop. Why the fuck did I do that?
I’ve also been discarded several times over more than 15 years. Each time he wanted either a goodbye meeting or later offered apology and there was a return. This time I feel it’s disengagement (no new IPPS yet) though I did reject an offer of a final meeting. HG: how many goodbye spiels and/or subsequent apology offers can there possibly be???
As many as are necessary.
Thank you HG! Should I prepare for future attempts of an apology/goodbye meeting after I rejected this last attempt?? I still have one pending property issue left to sort out with exN, which I am doing via minimum email exchange. But i fear he may use this opportunity for his agenda. Thoughts??
HG, thank you. What should I prepare for after rejecting the last goodbye meeting? I have 1 pending property issue to sort one with exN, which I am doing via min email exchange. Can he use that as a pretext to try and reestablish contact/lure me back in after 15yrs of back’n’forth or use it for his own hidden agenda??
Jess
They are not actually saying goodbye or apologizing, but rather sucking you back in with that premise knowing you want that and will respond to it. So the number of attempts would be endless since you have taught him over 15 yrs that this method works, yes? Until now that is. Now you know that it is purely manipulation on his part designed to lure you back and you no longer need be fooled by it or respond to it.
NarcAngel: yes, I think both he and I have been conditioned to endings, apologies, beginnings and repeat of the whole cycle. This time I have blocked his tel number and only left 1 email address open to sort out a property issue. For the first time I feel like I have implemented no contact. And I hope to keep it as soon as the property issue is sorted. Thanks for your input!
Jess:
NarcAngel is right. If something has been effective, they will keep doing it. Have you been able to maintain no contact?
Good day HG. I wonder -do narcissists ever admit they collect people for fuel? Like what do you think a mid range would say
/think if you said something like “I know I wasn’t providing you enough fuel so I understand the siscars an you had to pick up this gusher of admiration “. But -are you bored or disgusted with her yet? What will you do when she asks you for intimacy and vulnerability?
No.
I got all of the above and everyone thinks I am crazy for saying he is a narcissist. He emotionally and mentally raped me and yet I am the one who is crazy. He has screwed up my head so badly and he says ‘im sorry’ I’m sorry that I push/pulled you and kept you at arms length after I promised you the world. Im surprised so many narcs are able to move forward physically. Its a dangerous game playing with a womans heart.
I escaped!
#3, #4 and #5 all the time.
I got enough wedges (and occasional golden wedges) to make a wedge cake.
Friendship constantly pushed. Constantly! Yet it was ghosting/shelving.
As far as #5 he always goaded me to “end it”, that he needed to “be dead to me”, I needed to be “rid of him” and so on.
On point as always HG. The truth hurts.
I got what I thought was a final discard three times but each time a few months passed and he was waiting with no other IPSS in sight. Once was an attempted triangulation, which I escaped, and once it was a mutual discard/escape. I kept thinking he was going to actually commit to his wife. But nope. Now I’ve really escaped (I think), I believe he has a new IPSS, he is still with the wife, and he has left the door open a crack for me. Guess this is what is meant by there is no such thing as a final discard…
Great article again HG.. you are on a roll sir. This had me checking a saved message from an exhole after my greater narc. I always thought it was really unexpected and caught me COMPLETELY off guard when i woke up to a text that said “ i think we have run our course again”…we had broken up previously and gotten back together for about 2 weeks and we had just made vacation plans the night before.. i couldnt understand any of it . I Never did even think he was a narc til a long time after. i knew something wasnt right and I couldnt pin point it. Now I know he was a Lesser. Prone to physical violence and had an awful temper. Went to prision for domestic and trying to burn down his ex’s house. I had essentially replaced a Greater with a Lesser. Out of the frying pan into the fire. I reread the texts from a few years ago and knowing what I know now I REALLY must have set him off on a fury tangent. Glad I wasnt around and it was all texting. I was called “dysfunctional” , crazy, was told if I ever texted him again he would call the police (because I asked why he was doing this).
Anyone else go back and look at old texts to Verify things? Wow just wow (insert angelic ahhhh choir voices) lol
Thank you.
Hi Julie, I believe a part of a successful NC is to delete all messages, texts, pics, etc., which is what I have done. This is what sensei Tutor teaches.
You are correct. I have kept all pics and texts from my greater narc on purpose due to him lying and our employment. We work in law enforcement and there was an internal investigation when I made a complaint to his superiors and I will always keep everything because you never know what will happen with the narc. He tried to do a switcharoo once before and I have the evidence. As for this lesser narc.. your correct . I know I wouldnt ever give him a 3rd opportunity to mindfuck me again. I have had him blocked & deleted for a few years but still had our last knock down drag out text session. You are 100% correct tho.
Sorry! I meant sensei Tudor!
Dear Julie,
To answer your question ……
I “chucked” the lot …. everything and I mean everything, books, cds, his text messages did my head in, you name it! Except the wine, Mr Bubbles and I drank that, we are not that silly …. haha
I also blocked him as per instructed by Mr Tudor.
I don’t want to waste my precious time and read all his lies again … past is past… move forward I say
Delete delete delete …. haha
Thankyou and best wishes Julie
Bubbles… no need to waste perfectly good wine!! That would be a pity indeed! Lolll
I have gotten rid of everything! Every text, pciture, email. Blocked him, his friends. Everyone. I dont believe I will hear from him again as he re-acts on my courage. I need to be the one to initiate contact and since that will never happen again I think it is done and I can heal. Its such a form of abuse it should be taken more seriously. HG have you heard of a narc that re-acts this way? Curious if you have.
Yes, as you indicated, I got a combination of techniques. First came a vanishing act which I ignored. Then, when he noticed my absence (or tired of his new plaything) he magically reappeared without any explanation. When I didn’t automatically allow him to hit the reset button, he tried employing the Wedge by using excuses like distance, workload, etc. for his Houdini act. He actually suggested I wait around for a year or so until he retired. I could almost set my calendar by his follow-up hoover attempts. Now, thanks to your teachings, I have executed my own vanishing act.
Well done SBW.
I got Preventative Hoover > Vanishing Act > Wedge > Quasi-Wedge > “Friendship”.