Get Out, Stay Out (GOSO) Part 1
What is G.O.S.O. ?
It is the golden concept of ‘Get Out, Stay Out’ which is what every victim of our kind ought to apply to their situation.
Whether you have realised that you have been ensnared by a narcissist or you now realise that this particular person is an abuser, GOSO is always applicable.
Those who have not been caught up in an entanglement with our kind may regard this as blindingly obvious. Of course, what they do not realise is that GOSO has two formidable enemies ; us and you – thus applying GOSO is far harder than they realise.
Of these two enemies it is evident why we are the first one. We regard you as our property, no matter where you sit in the fuel matrix, from NITS to IPPS, you belong to us and you are there to serve the fulfilment of the Prime Aims. The higher your status in the Fuel Index, the greater the effort that will be applied to keep you in place. You will be fully familiar with many of the various manipulations we use to ensure you go nowhere and remain in situ. Our Devil’s Toolkit is used to make sure you are compliant, pumping out fuel and under our control. This control is often substantial, however, you start to recognise the manipulations, you learn about gas lighting, triangulation, word salad and so on and begin to see when these are used. You begin to realise that you should not be treated in this way and with your increased understanding you start to loosen the grip that we have on you.
You begin to see matters in a different light. You now see an abuser, a narcissist, stood before you and not the person you once thought we were. Your resolve increases, your determination solidifies as you realise that you need to remove yourself from our toxic influence. You know what you are dealing with now – it is time to get out. However, there is a second enemy that has loomed into view – you.
You are your own enemy or more specifically, your emotional thinking is. You know you need to get out. Getting out maybe the clear act of ending the formal relationship, moving out of a property or moving us out – implementing no contact and that is the ultimate aim. Sometimes it is getting out of the abusive environment even though you cannot implement no contact, but you are getting out of the influence and detrimental behaviour that you have endured for so long. Whichever one it is, you realise it is time to get out.
It is then that this second enemy of emotional thinking strikes. Emotional thinking is a con artist. Its sole aim is to ensure that your addiction to us is fed. Emotional thinking does not have your interests at heart, although it will pretend that it does. You are trying to remove yourself from one con artist just as another appears although this one is just as hard to spot as our kind. Your emotional thinking wants to always be your first response in any situation concerning our kind because it wants to ensure that you keep feeding the addiction to us. This means that you have to keep engaging with us, thinking about us, seeing us, doing things for us. By remaining within our influence, the addiction remains fed and emotional thinking will do whatever it can to maintain that situation.
Emotional thinking is your enemy in this situation. It has no interest in the fact that your self-confidence has vanished, that you are utterly exhausted, that you are confused, that you are nursing a broken arm, that you are bleeding money, that your sense of self is evaporating, that you have lost your friends, that your job is suffering and a hundred other misfortunes. All it cares about is ensuring that you do not get out. By stopping this happening, the addiction is fed.
Accordingly, this sly and devious emotional thinking will occupy your thoughts as quickly as it can in order to keep cool, hard logic at bay. Unfortunately for you, it does this with considerable ease because :-
- You are unlikely to fully understand what is happening at the juncture when you recognise a need to get out;
- You have been repeatedly conditioned by our manipulation to adopt emotional thinking, so that it is always the immediate response when you are making decisions;
- Your ability to cope will have been reduced. Emotional thinking offers you the ‘easy’ option (but not the right option) and when you are ground down, this has considerable appeal.
So, what is the consequence? Your logical thinking tells you “This person is bad for me, I need to get out.” Before logical thinking can add anything else, your emotional thinking surges and drowns it out and instead fills your mind with what it wants you to think. Indeed, so significant is this emotional thinking that it becomes your only way of thinking and ‘takes over’ in terms of what you do. Emotional thinking is governing you and because it is, you are unable to see that it is. It removes your insight. That is why you often look back and think “What the hell was I thinking? That wasn’t me”. That is because you were placed on auto-pilot by your emotional thinking and you took a course of action without realising the impact of it, because your logical thinking could not get a look in.
How does this emotional thinking manifest? It is devious as I mentioned, because what it does is masquerade as something which is linked to your empathic traits so it convinces that what you are doing is actually ‘good’ and the ‘right thing’ to do. All part of its conning nature. Thus, when you have that brief moment of logic and decide that you need to get out, emotional thinking is alerted and realises there is a danger to getting its fix of the addiction to us. It surges and manifests in many different ways, such as :-
“But if I leave, how he will be able to manage. I will feel bad for him.” – this links to your traits of decency and feeling guilt.
Logic would say
“Why be concerned about how we will manage? He has never been concerned about how you have managed? You do not have to be responsible for this person. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Emotional thinking will say :-
“But what if he can change, he said he will get therapy and he has made an appointment. What if I go and miss out on him changing for the better?” – this links to your traits of hope and the desire to heal.
Logic would tell you
“He is a narcissist. He will not change. He cannot change. You have no need to stay. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Emotional thinking will say:-
“Now isn’t a good time it is his birthday/her mother just died/she has a big project at work/he isn’t well.” – this links into your traits of guilt and decency.
Logic would tell you
“Now is the right time. He spoiled your birthday/ she didn’t care when your father died/ he has never supported your work/ she never looked after you when you were unwell. You deserve better. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Here are further examples of the emotional thinking which stops you getting out. Are any familiar? What would logical thinking be telling you in response if it was heard?
“I don’t have anywhere to go to and I like living in this house.”
“But what if the children want to see him and that upsets them?”
“I am frightened of what he will do to me.”
“He said if I ever left him he would post those videos and pictures on the internet.”
“I don’t want to feel like I have failed and give up on us.”
“I know she is seeing someone else, what if I go and they end up happy together? Why should I give them a clear run at a relationship together?”
“But I still love her.”
“He needs my help, i cannot walk away from someone who is needing help.”
“She hasn’t got anybody else but me.”
“It will be too hard to do it. I just need to find a way of making him happy instead.”
“What will I do for money? He controls it all, I will be destitute.”
“I am scared to date again.”
“What will people think though if I go, it will make him look bad at work and to his friends.”
“It could be worse, I mean, she is wonderful sometimes and the sex is amazing. I can put up with it for the good times surely?”
“I am getting old and I don’t want to have to start all over again.”
“I would go, but I have to stay for the sake of the children.”
“I am not giving up, you have to fight sometimes to save a relationship and I am a fighter.”
“I just have to love him more. Love will save the day. It has to.”
Your emotional thinking will use fear, guilt, hope, dedication, valiance, selflessness, status, loyalty and more besides to make you stay and derail your attempt to get out.
A fundamental part of Getting Out is to recognise that it is your emotional thinking that is talking to you, that this is not the right way of thinking and that this emotional thinking is a con artist.
By disciplining your mind to recognise emotional thinking, you will then allow logic an opportunity to make itself heard. When logic makes itself heard, emotional thinking will fight back, but the more you engage in recognising this emotional thinking and allowing logic to make itself heard, the easier it will become until you will instinctively realise you are adopting emotional thinking and you will then apply logic. Keep maintaining this discipline and you will then find that logic will start to prevail and you are conquering the second enemy so that you now see no reason to remain and your stated desire to get out will be fulfilled.
How might you bring about the state of affairs? The major one is to build your understanding by reading. This develops your logic and provides you with material that your mind can go to instead of just finding emotional thoughts which will not help you. You need to have a repository of material which your mind can access which reminds you of what you are dealing with.
There are also numerous techniques to adjust your thought process, but I will explain one to you now. One method is to find a totem. Find an object, it might be a polished stone from the beach, it might be a lump of amethyst, a piece of jewellery belonging to someone special, an unusual coin, a stress ball – it can be anything so long as it fits into your hand. This then needs to be placed somewhere you will see it every day – on your nightstand, on the console table by the front door, next to the sink in the bathroom. Every day you must take the totem and wrap your hand around it, feel it in your hand and then ask yourself
“I must GOSO. What would logic tell me to do?”
Chances are the first response will be a piece of emotional thinking similar to those listed above. Halt the thought and assess it. Is this logic or emotional thinking? Recognise what it is. If, as expected, it is emotional thinking then destroy that thought by working out what the logic is – you will find the logical thinking will appear quicker than you would imagine because you have been building your understanding.
Do this every day around the same time. You will then find that when you have an emotional thought you will recognise to go to your totem, hold it and reject the emotional thought and work out the logic. You may need to go to your totem a dozen times a day, but steadily you are building your logic, reducing your reliance on emotional thinking and then you will find you are doing it without needing to go to your totem because you have reset your thinking. As this happens, you will then find the clarity and resolve to get out and not be stopped.
It is not easy. We instinctively know that your mind is fighting to prevent you from getting out and we rely on this in tandem with our own endeavours to keep you under our control. However, by building your understanding and resetting your thinking, you will get your emotional thinking under enough control to act on the need to get out.
GOSO 2 addresses how emotional thinking tries to derail your need to stay out once you have got out.
59 thoughts on “Get Out, Stay Out (GOSO) Part 1”
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Really excellent and helpful article, HG.
Has GOSO 2 been written yet or is it forthcoming?
Not written yet.
Thanks, HG. Looking forward to it.
Hi HG. I’ve been looking for GOSO 2 because part 1 was so good and I’m very curious about the next step. This is where I am now and I could really use your insight on this subject. Here’s to hoping you find time to write it soon.
It is not yet ready for publication. If you need assistance now, i suggest you book a consultation.
I’ve been tapping my foot and waiting for this one as well. The anticipation of what’s coming next is fun!
I have been NC for 24hours.
Luckily he has done something so enormous that I can hang on to that and then undo the story and all the lies, manipulations etc.
He was able to send me an apology voicemail before I blocked him and my first reaction was to keep it…then after listening twice. I deleted it.
In the first hours, there is a victory , a release of pressure, an euphoria, a freedom drug… It is like if you have vacate space in your brain and your heart.
Then… ET comes knocking …big time… crush your heart and you want to unblock and write . This last week, I made a fool of myself, I lost it. I need to repair, I need to set the story straight… no no no. Why do I become so crazy? Why do I acted like this? Why did I lost it? I need to justify this. Let’s unblock only once to write. NO NO NO. !!!!!!!
Toc toc ,… ET coming back. I forgot to say that, and this etc.
Go buy 2 bags of chips, feel the release of pressure. Went for a walk, set a dirty rendez-vous for tomorrow with a handsome men.
Luckily he has done something enormous, so I can justify my NC and GOSO that I wrote in big letter on my kitchen board. I have to remind myself of that culminating insanity. How did we go so wrong? Where did we go so wrong?
LT…Toc toc…. Does not matter all this, he is a narcissisit, nothing to add. He will not change. He will crush you even more. Now that he admitted that he was at fault, just GOSO. There is no better way to hurt him and revenge than GOSO. NO other way .
He told you you would never escape him, prove him wrong, prove your ET wrong. Come here and read and read and read.
By GOSO you have the upper hand. You win. He is a narcissist. He will not change. You don’t need to engage with him because he is a narcissist. There is no eternal bonding. You have escaped. Stay out.
HG had told you he would lash out, he would retaliate. HG says GOSO is the ultimate revenge and smile and have a great dirty rendez-vous. And smile, go and have your hair done, your nails, put lipstick and smile. GOSO is the ultimate upper hand.
LT 1- ET 0
Love this. Keep those chips and rendez-vous coming.
Congrats!!!! Welcome to the rest of your life and freedom from the chains! Luv 🤗👍💖
Lovely, lovely, lovely! The light is on and Logic (my Protector) is wide awake. Digesting this article, wow. My totem is a pottery bead. I made a head with eyes, a nose, and no mouth. I will wear this for as long as it takes to master protecting myself. Victim no more. On the backside of bead/totem, I wrote: Logic=Wise Protector VS. Emotions= Not Now. My Power. Thank You.
Heather
Great totem. Very creative.
Ahhh to be Data… or Mister Spock. No need for totems then.
Excellent article, practical advice.
I look forward to the article on the rubbish of twin flames.
Tappitikarrass, I luv that idea. The ex hooked me on that one for quite a while . . . we were twin flames, ta kniw? Rubbish!!
Oops typos . . . meant to tupe ya know?
Hey Meaghan
My ex is an atheist so I was spared that type of symbolic bondage. I came across the concept of TF down the internet rabbit hole one night….. dubious in my humble opinion.
I love Y
“to the outside world I’m a nervous rambling idiot”
I recognize that feeling; when explaining your situation and fears to outsiders. Here you are not. If you’ve recognized the need to protect your children from emotional abuse; you are anything but a idiot. Quite the contrary; as others here would agree with. Your children are fortunate to have someone who is seeking to look out for them; even if you do feel like an emotional wreck at the moment.
You should take pride and strength from that in moving forward.
Brilliant HG! Articles like these make me forget you’re a narcissist.
The emotional thinking has me stuck …. and plain old fear
It’s actually not that hard to GOSO once you’ve seen a narcissist lose his entire shit. Some fantasy girl senses something’s off and splits during the “golden period”, whereupon he snaps and starts hoovering everyone he’s slept with since 2012. Transparently strung out, losing track of what he’s up to, and in desperate need of confirmation that he can seduce someone he’s treated like utter shit. That was my oh hell no moment. Feelings kaput.
I think this is one of ur Best pieces of writing u’ve put out there. Thank u. I haven’t red the next one but I’m about to. Excellent perspective coming from an NPD. Great job.
Thank you CR.
Stop banging the monster! I need this series. Addiction is hard, gift tickets to narctown are a big test. The HG app is my evil witch doctor totem, please don’t make me drink the cactus worms.
I think I should say thank you!
Sat for 3 hours on my lap, exchanging nice words
Tweeted i could be really lovely
Stopped immediately
I stop with our relationship, you seem to be too interested in other men.
“are you insane? I come right over”
She sat for 3 hours on my lap, exchanging nice words.
Nextday I saw her tweet: I was kind of lovely.
Quitted immediately
I have my Mercury totem.
Good work NE.
God help me I married one. How can I protect my two children from him? Threatened to kill me and all my family, cheated on me the whole time, lies …. and financial control… got him arrested for his animalistic behaviour yet he is divorcing me as I can’t afford to pay for the divorce. Trodden apon and looking for an answer… to the outside world I’m a nervous rambling idiot. Please advise me on how to protect my children from a lifetime of emotional assault
I love Y, too. Please seek outside help, i.e., maybe supervised visits, but professionals trained in it, in my opinion, best source as it is their expertise (hopefully). You might have to shop around for a good one. There are some dudes out there on this issue. Good intentions but just not good. You and the children now deserve the BEST. It is about the children . . . ur a good mother.
My humble advice, do not take advice from attorneys on this issue. Good ur getting divorced and the ass has to pay for it is rich.
I meant to type “duds.”
HG,
do you think that the narcissist’s class (lesser, MR, the Greaters) has influence on the duration of golden period and the whole formal relationship?
Maybe I am wrong but since lessers and mid rangers don’t know what they are and act on their impulses, I would say their relationship should end quicker. For the lesser it is really difficult to keep in control his knee jerk responses, so I think the victim will realize there is something wrong with him sooner. Also midranger, ofc he is more passive agressive but his manipulations are really mentally harmful so the victim may not be enough frigtened of him to escape but can try to fight his passive agressive behaviour which can lead him to discard the victim sonner, because the victim doesn’t want to cooperate and deal with his mood swings.
And the greaters – because they know what they are, they are better manipulators and they have more control over their own reactions and the whole relationship dynamic – if they sense that victim is going to escape and they don’t want to end it yet, they can stop their bad behavior (for lessers it would be really difficult, for mid rangers it would be hard to keep in check for the longer period of time). And when the greater is ready to discard he does it in his time – this is his decision. Ofc discarding is also a decision of lesser an mid rangers but since they act more intuitive, their own bad behaviour forces victims to question it, dig deeper, search for answears and refuse to cooperate, reduce the fuel provision which speeds up their discard.
These are my thoughts. I was in relationship with a mid range whose all mature relationship were long distanced (even marriage) and I think that if he was with someone in normal relationship 24h together this relationship would end after a week. Because of his quich boredom, mood swings, passive agressivenes.
I am here right now. Sudenly and inexplicably in emotional thinking. I got away, my life is good. I am doing well but something is pulling hard at me. I feel like crying. I will see later about finally doing that consult as I know what I want to ask. I am worried… what if my own narc traits are making ME feel like he belongs to me too? And I am using them as a reason to even thibk of contacting him? I won’t but it doesn’t mean I am not suddenly struggling. What if I have a similar sense of “for life” feeding this? He told me I tried to own him. He of course did his thing with me, and it was ok, but owning was one way. But what if I also have those same similar traits, as a Super Empath who went Super Nova and I am loosing the stength of those traits right now, as they fade?
I will read this again and again.
she owes me some money, #TheLockAtTheDoor
I can’t talk with her, it’s all denial gaslighting, rage
Can you really talk with him?
When you know you can’t , keep that in your head
Sarabella, I have that feeling too – that we are attached for life. I went through this once before at a similar transitional period 15 years ago. That guy wasn’t a narc but had other problems. He ended up in jail for two years and I was set mentally free. It happened instantly. I think the pulling hard at you piece is the feeling that they ‘get away with it.’ With my current one, I was able to see his whole other life via social media (all public – dumb, dumb, dumb). The first time I found it I was shocked and then fascinated because I had this idea in my head that he must be so different with other people. Where were the pictures of him hugging his wife? Barbequing with the neighbors? Goofing off with his kids? Nope, nope, nope. He was bored, going through the motions, disengaged, not happy, though I do understand that he needs the stability and routine that life offers. I’m going to start referring to him as ‘the thorn in my side.’ 🙂 Maybe when he falls flat on his face that thorn will disappear.
Maybe that is a huge part for many of us, depending on where we sit on our spectrum, that we also might have a sense that they are ours, too, for life. Its not all their powerful tricks or devotion. A friend of our said to me that we need to leave each other alone. I agreed and told him I agree with her. But still… I feel bizarrely reconnected again to him. I don’t like it.
Sarabella, I know how you feel – it’s an addiction. I looked it up at one point and concluded that it was intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding (I never heard of this twin flames thing, which sounds very destructive). I miss mine every second of every day, and it has been that way since I met him. I do not know how to make it go away.
He used to do what HG has described – email every morning at 5:30 a.m. I’d wake up even though I did not hear the emails and even when they were not there. I should have known then that something was off. In fact I did know. I first dumped him a month after I met him when I’d only seen him 2 or 3 times because I already saw his controlling m.o. But I second guessed myself and that was a huge mistake. I could kick myself for not trusting my gut because back then I was normal and now I am completely warped!!
I think HG would say that it is emotional thinking and in order to make it go away you have to let your logical mind take over and go NC. This is not easy for a normal person to do. I don’t fault HG but I don’t think he has the answer as to how to make this transition because of the way his own mind is wired. He can tell us what is happening, which is extremely helpful. He can tell us what we need to do to fix it, which is also extremely helpful. But making the transition is something else.
This all sounds like normal processing. It’s how it plays out for most. Be proud of your ability to self reflect in this manner. The abuse is designed to make you question yourself to the point where you stay put. The obsessive feelings will fade with strong no contact.
Its interesting to think that just when I think I went through all the waves of it, another one still sneaks up. I think this last one might really be the last most strongest wave I go through. I think with the help of an email exchange with HG, I can map one thing that happens in me to the emotional part of it and use that mapping to squash a growing wave.
”…when Narcissus died, the Goddesses of the Forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.
“Why do you weep?” the Goddesses asked.
“I weep for Narcissus,” the lake replied.
“Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus,” they said, “for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand.”
“But….. was Narcissus beautiful?” the lake asked.
“Who better than you to know that?” the Goddesses said in wonder, “After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!”
The lake was silent for some time. Finally it said:
“I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected.” ”
And that’s why I’m starting to find this no contact really hard. I’m realistic,I know there’s no change,it’s not real, but I simply miss physical manifestation of my own personality. Hilarious thing was, that on top of everything, my narcissist and I were physical lookalikes, with same olive green eyes, dark blond hair, full lips, long shaped face, skin tone, tall with thin wrists and ankles…we look very specific, neither one of us look like either one of our parents or sibling, but we look alike we were siblings.
then you might be twinflames- but for another life!
Twin flames is a nonsense concept.
Thank you HG! !!! When I was drowning in pain, I ended up on the Twin Flame concept teying to figure it out. It was the most destructive thing to have happened to me…!
I can understand that. I have read a few pieces about Twin Flames and it is absolute rubbish – it dresses up narcissist and victim as something special, magical and romantic – I may write an article about the concept and how misleading and dangerous it is.
You are correct. Rubbish! I’ve never heard of Twin Flame relationships. So glad I found your work before this concept. I would have eaten up that concept and rejected the “negativity” of yours because it’s what I’d rather believe. It plays right into all the empathic sins! All the red flags you write about are there, but with an empathic “spin”. (This is almost as bad as Fifty Shades for romanticizing the narcissistic dynamic.). I hope you will write an article to dispel.
It really is misleading
In many ways it is worse then many support groups.
IMO it is another way one looks for a “positive” in an abusive relationship
I wonder who is behind these groups, I have read in one they “found” each other how does one not know they are not really two just working together
Indeed
Peter
Have you looked at this “twin flame”
Compare the runner/chaser with the dynamics of a realationship with a narcissist.
IMO to many similarities
That would really be a stroke of bad luck if you ask me peter, of course if we assume there is such a thing as twinflames. I personally don’t know, maybe there is, maybe there isn’t…But “nonsense” HG :D, I could almost hear you pronounce it, good thing you didn’t say “boll**ks” 😀 😀 😀 So what do you believe in HG? My Nex was “Holy Narcissist”, I couldn’t figure it out, didn’t match his “personality” at all. He was a mid ranger and had many opposite characteristics and beliefs that normally wouldn’t exist in one person.It kinda puzzled me, but after reading your blog, makes perfect sense.
On reading an article on Twin Flames! I’d say: this is a neoplatonic concept applied to a ‘consumer identity’ market niche that sells romantic relationships as part of better lifestyles. Brought to your viewing by esoteric / popculture journalism and coffeetable decor. (*I like counter-popculture that is quickly becoming rare).
Neoplatonism alone is Ok, it’s part of our Western imagination – ethos, but it’s been added to this theory of “non-loving, painful but not explicitly abusive, relationship dynamics” – that can’t necessarily be separated from similarly romanticised norms based on traditional authoritarian relationships: such as “men never grow up”, “treat ’em mean to keep ’em keen” and “we hurt the ones we love”, where men are encouraged to have material power over women and women can re-gain power by doing emotional labour for men. It’s all about the value we get from the (material) use we have for others, which can become exploited. Fantasies are profitable when they offer us pleasure to ease our insecurities and we’re always insecure when our value relies on exploitation.
Non-critical ideas that seem ‘enlightened’ but are actually a mix of romantic traditionalism plus modern consumerism. Treating relationships as a luxury doesn’t offer an antedote to abuse and abandonment. The (neoplatonic) lifestyle selling points ‘everything has a natural design and realising that will lead to a better, happier YOU’ – gets in the way of a more simple but less romantic message – don’t invest your deepest personal value in people who are using and disrepecting you.
But it’s all about the nebulous power of interpretation, right.
Twin flame is crap. It might be comforting to feel it’s a cosmic connection but it’s really just hormonal attachment.
The twin flame “runner” is just a person who abandons the other and then uses it an excuse to renter your life later. Narcissists aren’t above using spirituality to trick you…
I totally understand this. The golden period is addictive on a hormonal level so much so that even to fantasize is indulging in it, prolongs it and keeps you from moving on. It’s hard to let that feeling go.
For the sake of perspective, finding out that I was being mirrored made me feel betrayed but, more so, it was empowering. You fell in love with your own self. You were the one with the positive qualities. That is a big red flag that you should learn to look to yourself for validation and love. This is the lesson that the narcs are here to teach us. How to sit in contentment with ourself after being essentially “high” from the surge of feel good hormones seratonin, oxytocin and dopamine.
After the abuse, if we hit rock bottom, many find the peace much more acceptable than before. We aren’t elated anymore but atleast we aren’t taking any abuse… Now you can look at you and what your wounds are from childhood. Remember how the narcissist made you feel and try to remember feeling that way as a child. That’s the start of self love and something that narcissists cannot do. Zero self reflection.
Self healing is not HG’s area. There might be some ideas he can offer but if we look at the narcissist’s behavior there are many clues as to how to self love. Thinking of your self first, not feeling overly guilty about things, doing things that get you excited about being alive. The narcissists take this to a pathological level but we can learn from them.
Good 🍀 to everyone who is healing right now. You are enough.
Good post, Jess. I used to have these tremendous euphoric highs and actually feel his physical presence even when he was nowhere around. I called him ‘the ghost’ (I’d tell him this – it was as if I was possessed). Once I even became him looking at me looking at him after briefly sitting in a chair that held a special significance. I am probably hypomanic anyway (I don’t get depressed) but it was like I was existing in a different dimension. Must have been the stress hormones from being in constant flight or fight mode. I had enough distance to realize what was happening and to find some fascination in it, which is one of the reason I let it go on for so long. He never got angry but suddenly he accused me of something that I had not done just at a point where we actually had a normal, nice time together (approach/avoid). The spell broke and I had a normal angry reaction. But it took another 6 months of no contact to break the cycle/ addiction. I think HG’s advice about NC is spot on, though as you say his advice is not about self-healing. It is about escape. But NC also helps one’s body to readjust to normalcy.
Funny I am enjoying this beautiful day at home and sitting on my couch by the nice breeze I am thinking that I am well. I have no fear of a deception with Narc – I am not waiting to hear from him- or a response – an invitation – a fight … I am just well there is no anticipation of anything regarding him now in that moment – and the NC feels like a good and natural place to be. Like sitting under a tree by a sunny Sunday afternoon.
No fight or flight nor freeze – just being here contented. A delightful moment.
That made me smile, OMJ. I am happy you are feeling so content. I am about to go to sleep (late where I am) and I so look forward to sleeping these days. Nice, unbroken, rejuvenating, sleep.
OMJ
Good for you. Now thats a golden period to chase, not some cheezy fantasy thats been peddled to us since childhood and the narc sold to us. Chase the high of more days like that.
Thanks NA ! I will. I can’t wait that those night waking up in fears and nervous and nightmarish –
Half asleep -awake-
Being scared of him.
Although he was never violent or anything like that to me – I wake up a lot in fear of him in the middle of the night and I can’t explain why.
But yesterday was great !! I printed the day and post in on my fridge to remember the feeling !! :))
Thanks for this. Really clear examples of emotional thinking, many of which I have used. I like the totem idea and will try it. In any case, this is why I had to do battle this past month until I watched him delete all of our electronic communications and empty his emal trash. I felt trapped in emotional thinking because of two years of words, over which I no longer had any control and which I worried he would use in some nefarious way. I engineered it so that I did have control, and he deleted everything because he knows how ballistic I can get. Another step forward…
Ironically, my ex told me we were twin flames, past life connected, etc. So I googled twin flame and narcsite came up as an option. I read the twin flame garbage, but also fate (?) ‘directed’ me to read narcsite, too. Thats how I ‘found’ narcsite or it found me. Doesnt matter. Im where I am suppose to be. Narcsite was the perfect fit.
That’s great, Meaghan. It IS fate. This is where I am supposed to be too. I thought I had read everything but HG’s site is the only one that covers all the bases.