The Ten Obligations of the Empath
In order to manipulate you and control you, we rely on certain behaviours which cause you to act out of fear. Fear of injury, isolation, financial ruin, loss of your home or loss of your children. We also rely on your deeply embedded sense of obligation. Owing to your honesty and decency, you feel need to do certain things. Your sense of obligation is greater than normal and we exploit this in the following ways:
- You feel responsible for us
So much of what we do is of our own doing. In fact, next to nothing is caused by you when looked at through your worldview. From our perspective you are responsible for everything. It is always your fault and we repeatedly project and blame-shift in order to condition you to feel responsible for us. You already have a sense of responsibility towards us. You feel a sense of responsibly to nearly everybody because of the fact you are caring and compassionate. This increases when it comes to us because we are your intimate partner and you believe that it is the intimate partner who ranks amongst the highest who deserve such responsibility. This increases again when you realise that we have certain flaws and you feel a need to take on responsibility for them. Indeed, combine this natural state with the conditioning that we cause and you become someone who is over-responsible for us.
- You feel that you owe us
Once again this is a combination of the natural and the condition. You have been given such a wonderful time during the seduction period, given so much both material and emotional that you feel you do owe us. You are also a person who is polite and well-mannered and you feel a natural desire to return favours, thank people for what they do for you and a sense of paying the debt that has arisen. We also believe you owe us for everything we gave you during the seduction and accordingly you are obliged to repay us for the rest of the relationship and beyond. Combine these two elements and a powerful obligation of owing us is created which we are then able to exploit to our advantage.
- You feel sorry for us
That natural sympathy people possess is available in spades with someone as empathic as you. You never regard someone as weak or pathetic but rather feel sorry for them. You would not regard a homeless person as a stain on society but rather feel sorry that they find themselves in such a situation and you consider how they ended up where they are what might be done about it. You realise our behaviours are abhorrent but rather than always feel angry about it, you feel sorry for us that we behave this way. You feel sorry that we cannot explain ourselves, that we lash out and behave in such a destructive fashion. Your exuding sympathy not only fuels us but it creates an obligation on your part towards us.
- You feel guilty
Even if you know that a certain course of action is for the best, you are assailed by the guilt that you might be hurting someone, stopping them what they want to do or upsetting them in some way. Tough love is not a concept you want to embrace as the guilt at seeing someone else hurting, as a consequence of something that you have done, is too great. This sense of guilt forces you down different routes, often doing things which are not the best for you but nevertheless you feel obligated to do out of this considerable sense of guilt which looms large which someone empathic like you.
- You feel a need to fix us
You are a problem solver. You enjoyed the Sound of Music when you were younger and you always felt that if you had been given the chance you would have solved a problem like Maria. You regard it as your role to heal and to fix. You are of the unshakeable mind-set that everybody can be fixed. Everyone can be made better and when you experience the broken elements of our machinations and manipulations you do not shirk from them. Instead, you remain in situ and work out how you can resolve them. This obligation to make things better and to heal is a central part of who you are and is readily exploited by us since we know you are unlikely to go anywhere despite how bad things are.
- You feel it is your duty
You have a strong sense of duty. Duty to be an excellent parent, supportive friend, caring son or daughter, hard-working colleague and all round decent human being. Most of all you regard your duty to your intimate partner as one where no matter how difficult things might be you are not going to walk away. This duty is often compelled from the vows that you have taken and a strong religious undertone to your personality.
Duty is paramount and from that rises the obligation.
- You feel a need to abide by your standards
So often the world appears to have lost its moral compass and therefore it falls to a diminishing group of people to right the wrongs, stand up for the vulnerable and defend the weak. You often see that people are ruled by those twin gods of sex and money and this causes people to forget who they are and the standards they once adhered to. This is not for you. You do not do this to be lauded by others but do so because you cannot lie straight in your bed at night if you do not uphold these standards for yourself and in your daily dealings. This translates into treating people with patience, understanding, compassion and empathy, no matter how difficult it becomes. Some might suggest that you are making a rod for your own back.
- You feel a need to maintain appearances
This is not done for your own benefit. You are not like us creating an image to show the world. No, you do this to maintain appearances for the sake of others. It is keeping the family together for the sake of your children so they are not upset. It is appearing to get along with your difficult brother for the sake of your fragile elderly parents. It is taking one for the team in order to maintain an appearance so that you deal with the pain and aggravation so others do not. This need creates an obligation in you which we are content to exploit as we know it will keep you around and stop you from speaking out about what we do.
- You feel a need to never give up.
You are not a quitter. You do not give up at the first bump in the road or black cloud. You keep going, you are tenacious. You are indefatigable and you persevere. You plough forwards and feel that it is only right to do this because you know that the just reward will come at the end of it. Anything worth doing is worth doing properly. Anything worth having takes effort. We applaud this desire to stick at things.
- You feel a need to have done your best
When everything is added up and evaluated, at the end of the day, you want that satisfaction, just for yourself, to know that you did your best and you could have done no more. You always consider whether you could have done something a different way and more effectively. You are self-critical and behave like this in order to fulfil your chosen role as a good person. This obliges you to try and try again.
These empathic obligations result in your remaining with us longer, enduring more of our abusive behaviours and forgiving more of what we do than an ordinary person. We know these obligations exist and we exploit them.
22 thoughts on “The Ten Obligations of the Empath”
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Sir, do you have understanding of normals? If narcissists and empaths are at opposite ends of the spectrum, are normals a mix of both, at times being narcissistic and at others being empathetic? Thank you
They have some narcissistic and some empathic traits, but not numerous and not strong.
#11. GET THE FU__ OUT! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE♡
This has been me most of my life – I am starting to finally feel anger towards two people who abused me in this way. It’s a feeling I don’t particularly like but perhaps it’s also necessary to cleanse myself from all the damage that they have done and that the one still continues to do. He will milk it for all it’s worth as we have two children together. I need to stop making excuses for him and stop putting him. Stockholm syndrome sadly has a hold of me – hard after twenty years of abuse. But this anger thing may help me.
Hi Bumbles, I share your pain. Dec.of last year I was diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome,
I wish I had a magic cure.it sucks because 98 percent of people have no understanding of this. That’s the hard part.
Someone told me the good news is now I know so I can correct the behavior. I’m still not sure what to do with that information. We just have to hang in there.
Thanks T for your reply. To gain and maintain the strength to not lash out at him and tell my two children the truth about him has been so unbelievably hard. He is in full perfect Dad mode atm, especially with my 14 year old daughter. Thank goodness he only sees my 7 year old about three weeks a year – I need to keep him as far away as possible from him – my son is a sensitive, compassionate and very possibly an empath as well. The anger I have to direct elsewhere but keep it close to my heart to know that I owe him nothing and he will NEVER get my compassion and protection again. I can destroy him if I wanted to (lots of secrets that only I am aware of) – and one day I may have to use that to protect my children from him. I went from a 20 year relationship (17 years married) straight into another narc – didn’t know what hit me – man on his white horse came to save me – well the truth is he led me to research and realized what I had been dealing with in my marriage all along. Ex husband remarried after two years and my heart aches for his new wife. Just found out a few minutes, second narc is going to be a dad again – he is 47, she is 23. I sit back and say thank you I am not them. I do believe that this was a lesson to learn and it took me too long, but at least I have learnt it and will NEVER fall for someone like this again. I can see them immediately now. What HG writes, so often is a mirror image of what my life was like. Protect the Child post shook me to my core – I experienced and still continue to experience it. Luckily I am young enough and have been blessed to meet a man who has shown me what it feels like to be loved and protected – no chance of a narc there – I have known him 27 years and our paths reconnected again. But the ANGER will make sure that I won’t fall for their manipulations of suicide threats and even suicide attempts (ICU after failed attempt) – it’s despicable that they destroy lives and couldn’t give a damn. Many of us have difficult childhoods BUT don’t become like this. Getting better surely must be possible if you know what you are????? Courage and strength and pain, but surely an aware narcissist can improve ? HG? You are actually just an addict then, that won;t give up your power? I understand it’s embedded into your personality BUT you are AWARE. You are very specific about what you are – you understand exactly what this does to people like us? Have you ever had a brain scan? what were the results? Is there a biological difference between me and you? This can surely be helped with some type of brain therapy (electrodes etc) OCD and many other biological disorders can be helped with this. Why can’t personality disorders??? If the brain is not damaged, then it surely can be helped? Especially with Greater Elites.
Bumbles
Anger does have its place. It can propel you to action, but you must control it and have a plan. Otherwise its just called stress.
Agree 100%. It ebbs and flows. When he triggers me, the anger pours out, but I have to keep it under control for my children’s sake. I have taken HG advice and will keep a dossier on him and show to my children when they turn 18. My daughter wants to know and I have said – when she is 18, I will tell her everything. But that protective mother instinct kicks in and I am frightened she will end up hating her father. This is more to protect her than him – BUT she blames me for things because she is unaware of the truth and I need her to know my reasons for leaving a marriage of 17 years and leaving their father. I left him and I was thrust into a world that made me fear for me and my children – the rage that followed, the smear campaign, the lies, the betrayals – I eventually had to contact his therapist to tell him to stop as if he continued with these false allegations, the court would have removed our children from us. He stopped but was raging that I even dared contact his therapist. I thanks God it;s all over – BUT he still controls me with money / maintenance etc. But I am a strong woman and have learnt to a degree to play his game. As my brother pointed out, he is more scared of me than I am of him because of his secrets that I have of him. One day I will tell the truth to everyone.
NA I love your response!
Personally, I do not feel obligated to do all ten of those things listed. Only some of them.
Of particular interest to me is #9 – “you feel a need to never give up. You are not a quitter.”
A “quitter” is exactly what my ex-husband called me for leaving him.
I didn’t feel like a quitter.
YES I felt those things before I knew you were an evil monster, using human beings as your drug…So NOW I FEEL SICKENED BY YOU, THAT I HOPE YOU DIE AND STOP HURTING WOMEN. YOU ARE A LOW FORM OF A BEING. CALLED BOTTOM FEEDER..YOU FUCK ANYONE PRETTY MUCH. YOU ARE GROSS AND UGLY. YOUR MASK FELL OFF AND I SEE THIS SKELETON BONEY THING OF NO LIFE OF GOOD ENERGY..DARK AND UGLY…BYE BYE
Well, that left a bad taste in my mouth. Seems I had a chronic case of #1 & #5.
Im obliged not to give a fuck about that sack of shit. Period.
Ha ha, but what do you really think?
Hands down my favourite comment I have seen to date …. multiple likes ! But alas I can only do one !
Omg!!! You two are making me laugh!!
EC…LOL! Savage
I like the way in which the last few articles posted are broken down.
With reference to this article I can only relate to 3 of the featured character traits / obligations listed within the context of my interaction with an MMR.
Feeling guilty, feeling sorry for him and feeling an obligation/ duty ( to go ahead with what I said I would do.)
The lack of identification with the traits listed may be due to the role I had for him, and may also relate to the value I felt and continue to feel for myself.
I imagine the IPPS is likely to feel more of these things due to the dynamic of that relationship.
The idea of “fixing” a person has always perplexed me. I have never sought to fix anyone, it’s their own responsibility to do so. I also believe that if a person tries to “fix” another person who may be broken, then they are taking away their power and autonomy; and this is ultimately counterproductive and disabling for them.
When people go through a process of healing, I believe this quote is accurate “you need to feel, to heal”. Going to the depths, “the belly of the whale” to meet your fears/ enemy and rise back up again ( metaphorically speaking of course).
This would not be undertaken to make the fear less frightening, but to help you feel more brave; to evidence that you can do it, that you can cope and conquer!
If the person is “fixed” by someone else’s love then they can never know the true power they have within themselves, or be able to evidence this to themselves.
Just my thoughts on the matter, but I understand and appreciate all perspectives on this subject. The healing / evolving journey is unique to an individual person.
HG, I’m happy to tell you your work is paying off. I’ve moved away from feeling responsible or sorry for my narcs. There have been many.
I am still hurt, but putting the attention back on myself and my own problems. Although, this feeling could also be that I’ve numbed out? Not sure yet.
I think that’s even more scary than dealing with your kind. But there’s much of your kind inside of me. Yes, I’m still empathic, but also very much of a narc. I’m grateful I found you. You held up a mirror.
Thank you HG. SERIOUSLY !!!
Good work, as Nicholas Cage would say “rocking good news!”
Lol!! HG!
Duty comes first. I had the sense that I was to bring him something – it was my calling – my duty – then man I would take care of for his old age.
I still feel that responsibility – that calling- that life mission.
He kept telling I would be the best to take care of him. When reading HG’s work I réalisé that is the last thing you want – be the sole – negative and positive fuel for one person who will age alone.
That day I knew I did not wanted to have that role anymore.
I would lie to say that the calling to be on a mission to teach him something is not there anymore because it is .