A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 26
To My Ex on His Wedding Day…
I remember the night we met so well. You completely charmed me and told my friend you were in love with me. We spent an entire evening dancing and talking, but then lost each other in a bar at the end of the evening. Who knew I would run into you a month later and that you were so close the entire time. Funny, you didn’t have the job you claimed to have that night. Oh well, I’m sure you were just embarrassed. I had so much fun flirting with you and having deep psychological talks on the phone.
My condo overlooked the back of your workplace and we could glance at each-other occasionally when we were both in view. During a brief separation, due to your telling me you had a girlfriend the day before my vacation, you called out my name from below just like Marlon Brando called “Stella” in “A Streetcar Named Desire.” It was very romantic. I bet you don’t even know the play, since you are so much younger than me as you like to remind me.
When you and that girlfriend broke up three months later, I thought we were meant to be. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We enjoyed listening to music and would share ear buds from an iPod and would sit smiling at each other on the porch. I suppose Timberland’s “Apologize” should have been foreshadowing our relationship… but since you confirmed that Alicia Keys, “No One” was our song, there was no need to worry. “No one can get in the way of what I feel for you” is what you sang to me.
When I became pregnant, you said it was a miracle since you were told that you were infertile during your year in the Marine Corp. We decided even though neither of us planned on having children, this must fate. I believed your story since I had not gotten pregnant in the year we had been together previously. You encouraged me to marry you as soon as possible. I was elated that I had a man who loved me so much and agreed to marry. I even bought the rings!
Our wedding day was beautiful even though it was pulled off in two weeks. I felt like a deer in headlights, but very happy. Your Mother never forgave us for not inviting her nor for my not asking her about you before it happened. It became quickly apparent that things were a little different about you, but I dealt with them the best I could-for better or for worse. Your Mother told me that she wasn’t sure what you were capable of. You explained that the two of you had a very strained relationship, so I dismissed her comments of course. We lost the baby shortly after the marriage, but we had each other. You reminded me that you didn’t really want children and told me you were too selfish to have a child anyway, joking…naturally.
We had many good times and enjoyed lots of activities over those next several years. I was able to save you from yourself so many times as you know. You had a lot of stress. You moved up quickly in your career and we were able to buy a beautiful home. That is when things became really bad.
I started having health issues which cut back the hours I could put into my business. You told me not to worry, that I could count on you. But then you invited strangers into the house in the middle of the night, there were nights you didn’t come home, then you asked me when you could put me in a retirement home and then your scuba diving in the pond in the back yard with the alligator while intoxicated put you into rehab. There was the pulling a gun out on my family when they were visiting and scaring them off never to visit again. The talking in your sleep, the scaring me out of the house at night, the dating sites, the dolls, the drugs, the alcohol, the bedwetting, the lies, the hospital visits, the threats, the guns and the police. The holding me down on the floor with your hand over my mouth while you stared at me smiling. The scaring me off on Christmas Eve only to come home to finding you in our marital bed with another woman. Too many things had happened- we needed a break you said. You didn’t trust me anymore. Therapy never worked, since you would only discuss the blinds on their windows or would ask them to fix me! Ah… the memories!
Now you are marrying one of the women you had an affair with…one of six you told me about after we separated. This one you managed to pull away from her husband, you must be so proud. When you told me about the current girlfriend’s pregnancy (not to be confused with the other woman that reached out to me on Facebook whom you said was crazy when she claimed to be pregnant) you told me I could take you back! I said no.
Then later you asked if I wanted to be the baby’s Aunt and got mad when I told you that was ridiculous. You told me that you didn’t want to marry this girl, because you didn’t want to end up paying her alimony and child support, due to the future women. I am sure it will be different this time, since you’ve decided to live together and have a baby before marriage- before our divorce for that matter! It must be hard keeping up the facade this long. Telling people I cheated on you must have gotten you sympathy. Telling your parents you will always regret what you did to me must make your relationship with them better.
Moving out of state and starting a new life has probably helped. The fact that you have been promoted to a management position so quickly proves you don’t need me as much as you claimed. The fact that you cross over a state line for your job every day, must really be helpful in keeping your lies and affairs in order. Wife number two may never know what you are capable of or what you truly are. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of telling her. You may have that pleasure when that perfect time arrives. I suppose you have a “plan” for her too. It must be fun for you to know her parents hate you and you have fooled her friends. Considering one is a cop and another a therapist, that is quite an accomplishment. Remember when you told me that we would still have been together if I hadn’t miscarried? I am sure that your child will help you two stay together- forever!
Seeing you two in court together a few weeks ago was all I needed to know that you have moved her into the role of your caretaker. I am glad she was there to understand all of the money you owe me, since I know she will be responsible for your finances as I had been in the past. I remember that first time you were having an affair with her at work years ago and you introduced her to me. She then floated off after you and you convinced me that I was imagining that she was after you. Then your boss separated you two when you were written up for fraternization. Fate must have brought the two of you back together.
She looks very different from the last time I saw her. I suppose having a baby and a toddler as a baby-daddy would wear on a person. At least you know how exhausting you can be since you suggested I needed a break. Remember I always told you that I am a reflection of you… we always had a special way to relate to each other. Just remember to pay my alimony and we will be fine. I am so glad you suggested you’d pay me alimony for life when we separated. I realize now that you thought we were getting back together. We just needed the separation and then in time we could get back together you said… you should have worn a condom! I hope you were smart enough to get a prenup this time…you know, just in case. This past two and a half years of court issues have been tiresome for us both I am sure. You don’t have to take me to court just to see me… my picture is on Facebook. Just look at it with one of your fake accounts!
So, unless you leave her standing at the altar, I believe you will be married again very soon. That bond that you hold so dear. I wish your marriage all of the karma it is due, as I can see that you two deserve each other more than anyone I know. I am sure she will never leave you as you feared I would, since she believes you two are “meant to be.” Just be sure to ask her the same question you asked me….“Do you promise to stay with me no matter what?” I bet she will understand that question better than I did, since she is a liar and cheat as well! “No matter what” …. sorry I couldn’t keep that promise. As you said to me… I tried.
If I were to send you a gift, it would be diapers…oh, not for the baby-for you! You know, for that little “condition” you have? Poor girl having to change her baby’s diapers and her husbands… lol Oh don’t worry, I won’t be sending a gift- it’s the thought that counts.
Enjoy my silence, your first ex-wife
6 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 26”
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I so hope you find the happiness and love you deserve in the future xxx
I can totally relate to this part. The talking in your sleep, the scaring me out of the house at night, the dating sites, the xxxxx, the drugs, the alcohol, the bedwetting, the lies, the hospital visits, the threats, the guns and the police. The holding me down on the floor with your hand over my mouth while you stared at me smiling.
All of this and more happened in my marriage as well.
So much pain. You must now focus on yourself and your healing. It is hard wrapping our minds around how a person can treat another human being in such an inhumane way. We want to understand what happened to this person to make them behave in such a bazaar and abusive manner. Inflicting pain and injury without compassion. And even once we understand this disorder there is no cure. The disordered will never gain empathy or know what is is like to truly love. It is very sad. The only thing to do is move away from the pain and abuse it will never be any different and it won’t be any different with anyone else.
With my whole heart, you must start focussing on you. Honestly. The fact that you know so much about his machinations means that you remain embedded. Ok. Here’s the deal: Look at areas of your childhood which demonstrate your over caring, and over functioning: when we over function we take care of another’s (perfecting capable and (deliberately malfunctioning?) ability to live in this world. Remember: we came to earth to have our own experiences. How do we know thats best for them, when we are not sure of whats best for us? the thing is this: we came here to meet these people in order to overcome them, even within ourselves. Look. We women are stronger than we know and it terrifies us.( I never say “my”husband because he never was – he’s a narc). However,my experience with helped me identify gaps in myself. Take the focus off them…they are empty.
Very good advice to address childhood issues
Wow…. what a letter? I sit and feel sorry for myself for what the narc does to me ….but then I read this and I am so heartsick for her….
Wow. You have been through quite a bit. This is a great letter. You are strong.
“Just pay me my alimony and we will be fine.”
Hahahahah