He Doesn’t Bring You Flowers Anymore

HE DOESN'T BRING MEFLOWERSANYMORE

He doesn’t bring you flowers any more. Or chocolates. Or perfume. Or lingerie. Or a new book.

In fact he has stopped bringing you gifts altogether. Why?

A person who is regarded as a suitor will seek to impress the target of their desire with the provision of gifts. These range from the obvious (flowers, jewellery, chocolates) through to the less obvious (the selection of an obscure piece of literature, sponsorship of an animal or an ‘experience’). The pattern of gift giving will not be overwhelming to begin with, it will not be grandiose nor gratuitous. It will not be on the flimsiest of reasons (see the creation of Golden Milestones in The Creation of Unusual Milestones ). It will accord with birthdays, Christmas, achievements by the other person and those ‘just because’ moments (welcome home, I saw this and knew you would love it, I wanted to thank you for your help). The provision of gifts will not just stop. This is for two reasons:-

a. The gift giving is not ‘feast and then famine’ ; and

b. There is a genuine motive behind the giving as opposed to flagrant self-interest

This approach to the provision of gifts of whatever nature applies to the normal individual, the well-adjusted one who is seeking to make a good impression at the outset of a romantic relationship and showing thoughtfulness throughout its existence thereafter. The fact that you once received gifts and then you suddenly do not anymore is a particular red flag with regard to our kind.

The first matter to consider with regard to the relevance of the pattern and nature of gift giving is how that manifests with regard to the school of narcissist. Accordingly,

The GreaterNarcissist will provide gifts of superior quality, elegance and calibre. He or she will provide them frequently during the love-bombing and embedding phases of the golden period. The Greater Narcissist will also be easily able to afford these gifts and they will be recognisable as quality offerings without brash ostentation.

The Mid-Range Narcissist is the most prolific giver of gifts during the golden period. He will provide them frequently, often several times a week. If your birthday falls in this golden period, expect him or her to outdo everybody else in terms of the nature of the gift. The Mid-Range Narcissist (especially LMR or MMR) will often exceed their financial capability when engaging in this gift-giving.

The Lesser Narcissist will not engage in much gift-giving at all, save for the Upper Lesser. The LLN or MLN may provide one or two gifts, but little more than that and will be likely to provide you with stolen goods or with gifts obtained using money he or she does not have. The LLN or MLN is likely to be an Indian Giver, even during the Bronze Period (which is the Lesser equivalent of the Golden Period). The Upper Lesser, invariably having significant personal wealth will be a flamboyant and almost over-bearing gift giver. What he or she will provide will be decent but lacking any real thought or imagination.

Thus with these patterns established with regards to the schools, what about the applications of the cadres?

Elite – expect high calibre gifts, often difficult to obtain save through particular connections, thoughtful, interesting and always treasured by the recipient. The nature of the gift will be varied from jewellery through to a signed special edition book through to tickets to an exclusive culinary experience.

Somatic – the Somatic prefers very visible gifts, thus this will amount to large floral displays delivered to your home or more often where you work (so more people see them), clothing and lingerie are key somatic gifts, along with gadgets and technology, tickets to sporting events, competitive events and holidays.

Cerebral – the gifts from the Cerebral cadre will naturally encompass the arts (thus theatre tickets, literature, music, a rare copy of a photograph, a painting and so forth), there may well be an educational bent (you can expect personalised copies of the narcissist’s own works where relevant) and often there is more to them than first meets the eye, as the Cerebral will delight in showing and explaining to you.

Victim – you can expect recycled gifts from the LL and ML Victim Narcissists. Those from Mid Ranger Victim Narcissists will be more likely to be thoughtful and inexpensive and often practical in some respect (since the narcissist will have one eye on making use of it themselves in due course) . Homeware gifts will be common from the Victim Narcissist.

Thus, combining the school and cadre will give you a clear indication of the gift giving patterns and range of the narcissist during the Golden (or Bronze Period). If you recognise these patterns and the nature of the gifts then this is a strong indicator that the person providing you with these gifts belongs to our brethren and you should take heed.

Similarly, a further powerful indicator is the sudden dropping off of the provision of the gifts. This article will only apply itself to the cessation of gift giving and not the shifting to providing rubbish or inappropriate gifts (for that see The Narcissist and Gifts)

The shift from lots of gift giving to nothing is done because it is contrasting behaviour. Contrasting behaviour is a hall mark of our behaviour. Contrasting is done principally to confuse and bewilder you (thus it increases our grip on you) and also to increase the quantity and potency of the fuel. Control and fuel are the prime reasons for engaging in contrasting. You will see contrasting throughout the narcissistic dynamic.

Contrasting will occur with regard to the provision of giftshoweveryou need to have regard to the nature of the narcissist that you suspect (or know) you are dealing with AND your place in the fuel matrix of that narcissist.

Thus, if you receive a lot of gifts and then this suddenly stops then this will be the behaviour of the Greater, Mid Range and Upper Lesser Narcissists. If you are involved with a Lower Lesser or Middle Lesser you are unlikely to see any drop-off in gift provision and therefore you will need to look to other behaviours to support your concerns with regard to suspect narcissism.

Also take into account your status within the fuel matrix.

If you happen to be a tertiary source (although you are highly unlikely to realise you have some kind of involvement with a narcissist if you are a TS) then the cessation of any gift giving is indicative of being devalued.

If you are a Non Intimate Secondary Source, the gift giving will not be as frequent as it is for an Intimate Source. What you need to look out for is not so much the drop-off of gift giving towards you but a drop-off through triangulation. This means that if you are a NISS and you are being devalued it will manifest in you not receiving a gift when other NISSs do. Thus, if you are a NISS family member, other people will receive gifts and you will not. If you are a colleague NISS, your colleagues will receive gifts and you will not, ditto amongst friends. Thus, it is not so much about there being frequent gifts given, but when they are, the other NISSs will receive them and you will not and thus you are triangulated.

If you are an Intimate Partner Secondary Source (Shelf) , you will enjoy the provision of gifts in accordance with the school and cadre as described above and these will continue throughout the golden period. If the gift giving stops when you are not with the narcissist then this is merely representative of your shelf status and is not devaluation. If no gift is provided when you would expect to receive one (birthday, Christmas) even though you are not spending time with the narcissist, this is also not devaluation. You are on the shelf and out of the mind of the narcissist. If however you are spending time with the narcissist and there are no gifts being provided at all, when there once was, then this will be a Corrective Devaluation aimed at bringing you back into line. If this continues for a repeated and extended period then this will part of your Dis-Engagement Devaluation and you will shortly be dis-engaged from.

Finally, if you are the IPPS and the Friday flowers are not being provided, the jewellery has halted, you drop hints about gifts and there is no response (remember there will have needed to have been gift provision during the golden period to create this contrast) then this is a clear act of devaluation.

Essentially, if somebody engages in excessive gift provision and then suddenly stops doing so, this is a strong indicator that you are with one of our kind and you are in devaluation. It also means that someone else is now likely to be receiving the gifts that you once cherished.

 

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62 thoughts on “He Doesn’t Bring You Flowers Anymore”

  1. Dear NarcAngel,
    I just luv your comments. We can be complete on our own. Self love is paramount and number one priority before someone else comes into play. Raise that bar and never let anyone treat you below your own self worth…. ever! Finding a partner is no guarantee for happiness.
    Luv Bubbles xx
    💜

  2. Dear Mr Tudor,
    What is the “turning point” in your relationships when you stop gift giving and could you please give examples?
    Thank you
    Bubbles

  3. HG,
    I don’t know if this has been mentioned before, but this “twin flame” mess. Have you considered doing a writing about that? In my opinion, it is total nonsense and does so much harm giving people false information and hope. I think you might cut through all of that with logic and facts. Just a thought.

    1. Yes, I have. A reader raised it with me last year and it is in the list of articles which I wish to write because I see this twin flame concept as unadulterated horse shit.

      1. T..
        I keep getting fb ads for this twin flame thing..i dont know what it is but I was assuming it was some kind of bullshit. Good… now I dont have to google lol

      2. That’s crazy.
        I’d love to believe it, and maybe it does exist, but nothing I’ve ever encountered. We meet a lot of people during our lifetime, this is true. But I don’t believe that someone is just going to show up and be the one. But who knows?. Relationships take a lot of work and commitment. I’m not sure there’s someone for everyone anymore. That doesn’t mean I’m correct.

      3. T
        Yes, namaste to you all! I have namaste and coexist bumper stickers on my car so all the narcs can know what I am before they even meet me! 😝😝. I’m proud to broadcast to all the world what I am!

      4. Windstorm
        Lol. If youre going to be a driving billboard, be sure to slap on a narcsite.com bumper sticker from Tudors Treasures gift shop.

      5. NarcAngel
        Ha, ha! Would if I could! If HG actually had a website gift shop (or better yet on Amazon), he’d make a ton of money! He’d need a different name though, there already is a Tudors Treasures – not that he’d let that stop him. Lol!

        HG, you should dedicate some minions to this. Big market for coffee cups, T-shirt’s, totems, and bumper stickers, just for starters! Endless possibilities.

      6. Okay. I like Tudors Toys anyway. Goes better with the 8 inch flesh coloured Tudor Totems. Hush sold separately.

      7. Windstorm

        Batteries. Good point. I was hoping to go solar but lets face it-they’d never see the light of day long enough to charge.

      8. “Relationships take a lot of work and committment”

        Is that another lie we’ve been sold? One that causes us to think that we need to put more in, need to accept things we dont want, forces us to stay longer than we should? I dont think we need another job. If its not working or we’re not happy, shouldn’t we be moving along to one of the other billions of people who populate the earth instead of slogging away and buying into the fantasy that if we keep investing it will pay off in the long run? Isnt that what kept a lot ensnared? Even here I see women saying to one another things like: You’ll meet someone who really loves you, and I’m not going to date for such and such a period…and I understand that they are keeping positivity for the future, but I cant help thinking: why is this even entering their mind at this point? Is this how heavily ingrained it is, that we must immediately be looking to pair up in the future to be happy?. That we can be in the aftermath or still in an abusive relationship and be thinking of how it will be different in the future with someone else instead of thinking: I am whole and ok on my own? Once you are good with yourself I can see you looking up to notice someone that has been walking beside you quietly and realize you enjoy their company, instead of feeling like you always have to be looking ahead and rushing to catch up to someone in order to be happy or successful. And as I am writing this last sentence I realize… this must be the mindset of the love devotee: Love means a successful coupling and not love of self.

        Ok…nevermind. Carry on.

      9. NarcAngel
        Understand and agree. While relationships with anyone (from your kids to people at work) do require constant work, we may never meet someone who truly loves us like we want them to. The whole soulmate thing is wishful thinking. We just have to deal with what life gives us.
        True love requires love of self and acceptance of reality.

      10. Well that’s my new thing to learn today. Just googled “twin flame.” I can see how someone who believes in this concept could mistake their narc for one. They’re even supposed to come and go in your life and cause you pain. Seems like a concept midrange narcs will go nuts over.

      11. We are in agreement on that. Although, might we call it pig or cow shit instead? Technically speaking, horse shit doesn’t smell that bad. Lol

      12. Dear Mr Tudor,
        I’d very much look forward to your article on this.
        When I first met the weasel, I actually asked him “have we met, you look familiar” …… then he started finding the same parallels with me …. what the? He always looked up his daily horoscope as well and would relate to me. I told him they were just generalisations and could apply to anything.

        The other day I commented on one of your posts … oh lord it’s hard to be humble ….Mr Bubbles came home, saw something on the news and uttered those very words…. I asked what made him use that line and then showed him my comment to you…. just hours apart🙀
        We were both in shock 😮

      13. Dear Mr Tudor,
        Mr Bubbles and I have known each other since I was ten years old, (I wrote down my name as Mrs Bubbles on paper at ten years of age) were friends first, then we ended up married, our kids are now grown up, happiest we’ve ever been …. we were destined …. I can’t explain it !
        👴🏻👵🏻💜

      14. After bringing up facts of narcissist and “facts” of a twin flame in a group I belong to….yes I actually joined a twin flame group and still belong to a couple, I am a narcissist and came into that group to manipulate people. I laughed at that one. The adman didn’t like my response to “their” facts and blocked me. IMO they didn’t like being faced with the truth. Those I belong to still, if I get someone curious enough to come visit here and they wake to the truth. I can not make them drink from the cup of truth yet I can show them the cup. I am so going to Hell with some of the images I get from my own comments.

      15. I used to believe in soulmate but now i see it as myself. Im my own soulmate. When i can be at one with myself(and my god) then i can better be with another. This soulmate with another i dont believe in the same way i once did. My soulmate is myself and god. Im still not there but at least im not looking for it in another person bc it doesnt exist or at least not in the way the term soulmate is thought of.

      16. Narc Affair

        The most you can ever hope for in a narcissist is a Holemate.
        I meant where their soul should be but the other thing works too lol.

      17. Im not into tatts but if i was id get a narcsite evil tatt 😂 itd stop narcs in their tracks lol

    2. I do believe that there are people who play a special role in our lives, but not only a single person, and not always in a loving way.
      I also think that it has to do a lot with our (relationship) patterns. Such as: my exnarc’s childhood, his family, mirrored mine in an astounding way. Noone ever got as close to what I had known from my childhood home.

      1. Ava,
        I agree with part of that. A lot of my stuff in my relationship had to do with my issues with my family. What I was referring to was the part about the twin flame stuff where people are talking about the “runner/chaser “ aspect, etc. It basically reads like fall for a Hoover and stay in an abusive relationship to me. That is just my opinion, but it seems like dangerous misinformation.

  4. HG,

    what was the name of the article about 5 (?) signs or also tests for telling if someone might be a narcissist (when on a date)?

    1. Ava101

      Ah, so youre flushing them out there in the the dating world lol. I wondered where you’d been. Curious to know what you find if you care to share.

      1. Hi NarcAngel, 🙂

        haha, yes, well, …. *turning red in face* …

        Things have changed indeed, thanks to HG I have learned to recognize empaths ;D , and in general what to look for when meeting new people, it has worked quite well the past months.

        So I had ventured out again, and have gained some new trust, especially after experiencing an empath DJ who spreads so much light.

        As a result I went out again (dancing) and met new people indeed, amongst them my uhm …. current French lover. 🙂 He is 100 % not a narcissist, and in general a new experience in regard to the type of men I had always been dealing with in the past. He still has attachment issues though (or has the need to stay in control by claiming so … as I will be leaving the country very soon and he claims not to care … not so great to hear, and he _might_ be protecting himself or myself, I don’t know ….)
        Either way, I’ve been enjoying myself going dancing with him each week now, taken out for dinner, being cooked for, etc. 😉

        [Actually, one of the most important things I have learned from HG is the fact that he does not feel music!]

        I am also just really busy with preparing leaving my country, as I am selling everything. I want to forget about my old life. Also after realizing how my mother really is, or why, I don’t care anymore about staying near my family like – at all.
        After being with the exnarc my whole world had turned upside down, and after reading here for 1.5 years now (wow), this is the result. 🙂

        But as my lover insists that we do not have a serious relationship, another lovely guy seized the opportunity when we were out, to ask me for a date today. That one is too good to be true, hence the need for remembering the flushing out the narc questions. 😉 He is either a really cool empath or a narc, I will see. 🙂

        How about you? 🙂 I hope everything is going great for you. 🙂

      2. NarcAngel
        P.S.: In general, the flushing out works quite well, like when being in a group setting. I have learned to pick up warning signs right away and then watch people, I also don’t feel defenseless anymore. 🙂
        “Normal” people can be very hurtful, too, especially … when knowing that someone is capable of empathy, and capable of love, but chooses not to be. But it is nice not to have anyone in my life anymore, who is sucking the life out of me, or hurts me on purpose (or full well knowing that I am getting hurt). For the moment, I have banned that successfully out of my life. 🙂 Narcmother is probably going berserk by now probably, but after thinking everything through, I simply don’t care anymore.

      3. Ava101
        Im am very glad to hear that you are out enjoying life, and that the things you have learned here are helping to facilitate that in being in better company. Changing countries is a huge move but an exciting one, especially if you are leaving toxic people in the rear view mirror. You sound in your message like a person that is lighter and full of promise and I wish you all the best in your continuing journey. Enjoy Ava.

        NA

      4. NARC ANGEL, YOUR SOO UP LIFTING TO ME ! REMEMBER WE HAVE BEEN GROOMED BY OUR LOVED ONES FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE TO TAKE IT ,🚼 THE NARCISSIST BEHAVIOR WILL ALWAYS BE ALL AROUND US ,!WE GIVE CLUE,S BY THE SOUND OF OUR VOICE , OUR SOFT EYES ,😘😇😎!WE. WILL ALWAYS BE A TARGET IF WERE EMPATH,S. JUST KEEP STUDYING & WITH H.G. !! KNOWING THE NARCISSIST SINCERELY SHARON!

      5. NarcAngel,
        thank you so much for your kind words. 🙂
        Yes, things have gotten lighter, indeed. There has been a huge shift at the end of last year.
        🙂
        I feel like I’ve had a dark angel and a light angel showing me the way out of the darkness, which I had come to believe I would never leave.
        I have remembered who I was before all of this began, many, many, years ago. And suddenly, more positive people are coming into my life, too.
        🙂

    2. Two of the most practical articles on the site are How to flush out the narcissist 1/2. Should be able to figure it out on the first date. Try not to ignore your first impression of them or rationalize behavior that makes you uncomfortable. Ask yourself “do I like this person?” rather than “do they like me?” Much 🍀to you!

    3. Good luck, Ava! Hope all works out fantastic for you! Positive thoughts and energy! ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️

    4. Well, a huge bunch of flowers for you, HG. If I hadn’t had your insight …
      Current suitor displayed hundreds of red flags in full speed in just two dates within one week…. including testing me, trying to manipulate me, …
      Might be a narc or not, either way, not a healthy, empathic individual judging from all he said and especially his behaviour.

  5. HG TUDOR ;

    It appears to be getting worse .

    I so desperately need to have your good counsel .

    However , I won’t { once again } be able to afford your services , this month .

    Unforeseen financial hardship , currently.

    I look forward to the day when Ill be able to have a proper conversation with you .

    Hopefully for me , it won’t be too late . 💜

    You are often in my thoughts . 🌹🌹🌹

    Wishing you an awesome week ahead 💕

  6. Spot on. My lesser never stopped with gifts. Flowers all the time. Especially after arguing. Matter of fact he bought me flowers and we made vacation reservations the night before he discarded me. I always found it strange. Who TF does that? My Greater however was a whole diffrent creature. I was the gift giver. He NEVER bought anything. But boy I was expected to be down at the Tiffany store and Nieman Marcus buying him shit. Good lord what was I ever thinking? Or not thinking.

  7. During my devaluation, he acting like being with me was a chore for him.
    In dealing with the facts and cool, hard logic, for him I was a chore.
    He was good…he was the first man to convince me I was beautiful, then tell me two years later what an ugly body I had.
    That hurt me to my core.

    1. Hi T!
      You’re not alone on that scenario. For the first 6 months JN was never short of the compliments about my body. I admit, I was very insecure since he had been the only other man I slept with following my divorce after 17 years of marriage. So I soaked all that up. Then yes, 2 years later during a heated fight, he just took it to a nasty below the belt level ripping apart my body head to toe. Looking back, whatever we were fighting about, I must have closed in on a nerve unsettling him so he had to deflect and get me off balance.

      1. I’m so sorry, Clarece that you had to go through that too.
        It’s gut wrenching.

      2. Interestingly enough, with all the commentary on TV about the royal wedding, one reporter (reflecting on the sermon given by the Chicago Pastor on the “power of love”) said “all things good come from love. The biggest, most influential changes in your life happened with people who love you.”
        Hmmm….no, I can’t say that is true. I have many blessings. My daughter evolved around all that is pure and loving.
        But in contrast to that, I never felt so despairingly low and questioning my own existence and purpose than what ugliness emerged these last few years with JN. Then layer learning the whole narc dynamic from a narcissistic sociopath that got me righted on the path to heal.
        Influential, oh yes. Nothing loving about either of these events.

      3. Clarece
        Yeah, people do tend to exaggerate. No offense to preachers out there, but they exaggerate all the time. I think it’s because they feel compelled to change people’s thinking over to the “right” way and use whatever means they have available. Distortion and twisting of facts is acceptable if it influences the audience favorably.

        I don’t know about you, but whenever I hear someone saying “facts” that aren’t correct, I doubt everything else they say.

      4. Windstorm

        I find most preachers (not that I watch many-only televised) far more concerned about their performance than their content. It is a performance after all. The short clips I saw of the preacher at the royal wedding showed no different. Now of course hes making the talk show rounds.…
        The faces on the Brits listening to him (or not) were priceless. I wish someone would edit a video with bubbles over their heads lol.

      5. Narcangel.. yes!!! I was watching their faces also! I am not even British and I was horrified for them. I cant begin to imagine what went through their heads! Some were even just about laughing 😮

        But the flowers were nice lol

      6. NarcAngel
        Yeah, the preacher at the royal wedding was putting on a show, but that’s very common here. He’s probably like that every Sunday. You’re right. The faces on the British guests was priceless!

      7. Yes, they get written off as instant blowhard and my mind shuts down. lol

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