Nothing’s Impossible
There are times when even my charm is in limited supply and is refusing to stretch. This often happens when I have subjected a victim to a fierce period of devaluation so that they have been pushed to their limits and they are at breaking point. Something stirs inside of them which causes them to decide that they need to escape me. They may not fully understand why but they know that they need to depart. It may be the case that an external influence is interfering in my carefully laid plans of denigration and this meddling threatens to puncture of even sever my supply of delicious negative fuel. It is at these moments when I am staring at the potential loss of a succulent supply of fuel that I make a particular play in order to prevent the cessation of supply. In such circumstances I will ensure that there is only you and I and that the potential for external interference is at a minimum. I need to ensure that I have your undivided attention and there will not be somebody else seeking to throw a spanner into the works. I want them excluded and banished so that I can concentrate entirely on you and make my last throw of the dice.
“I know that this time I will have to change,” I will begin as I fix you with my most earnest of looks. You stop what you are doing and look at me and already I can see the indecision in your eyes as I start with this sentence. It is always a good opening gambit. You and your like love to think that we can change, that there is some goodness deep within us that can be harnessed and used to get us back on track. You are great believers in redemption.
“I need a miracle to help me this time, “ I continue as I underline the gravity of the task that I am faced with. By according such gravitas to your stated intention to depart, I demonstrate just how seriously I am taking your threat. Inside I am exploding with rage at your audacity in daring to even to suggest that you will leave me. Me, of all people, me who has done so much for you. It is everything I can do to contain the fury but I know I must do so for an explosion now will be what finally pushes you away.
“How did we come to be this far apart?” I ask fixing you with a pleading look. By underlining that we were once so close, nay inseparable, I am appealing to your desire to bring us back to that closeness once again. This also allows you a chance to talk and talk is something you like to do. I let you trot out all the perceived injustices that you have supposedly suffered at my hands. I hear little of it because I know that you are mistaken and this is all based on your incorrect perceptions of me. This time I just have to let it wash over me in order to allow my influence to exert itself over you. I cannot stand to be criticised and inside I am dying but I am taking this blow for the greater good, the greater good of ensuring this precious fuel supply remains intact.
“Just tell me what you need me to do and I will do it,” I trot out next, conning you into thinking that you have some vestige of power and authority over me, when of course you have none. Again in order to serve my own purposes I am content to allow you to think that you can bring some influence to bear over me. Again this will give you a chance to detail all of the change and remedial behaviours you expect me to engage in. I will nod and make the appropriate noises as you ramble on about the changes you want me to effect. I pluck the lines which I have heard others use on so many occasions to enable me to continue my con. You are suckered by it on every occasion. I know it works and this is why I do it.
“I know we can get through this, nothing’s impossible,” I add as I take your hands and stare into your eyes. Invariably this line secures you giving me yet another chance and your relief eclipses my own as I know that I have you once again. Your joy at not parting provides me with even further fuel and I can allow you a brief golden period by way of reward. After all, you may as well enjoy it because it is not going to last for long is it?
45 thoughts on “Nothing’s Impossible”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Thanks for clarifying NA.
Only my opinion but, I’d believe you’d have something of note to say as well.
HG, great article. Would you apply this tactic if you didn’t secure a good enough replacement or is is it because you want to stay in control and be the one who disengages from the victim? Also how can you give the victim a new golden period, would you not be extremely disappointed with the behaviour of the victim for wanting to leave you? And the last question as a Greater you are aware of your behaviour towards the victim and know that what she is telling you has some truth to it, is it an instinctive reaction that occurs when you think that she is mistaken and has a inaccurate perception of you? Thank you in advance for your reply.
About a year ago, I went through a particularly brutal devaluation cycle. I mean, I was literally crumpled on the floor in the fetal position, sobbing hysterically BEGGING him to listen or show some sign that he cared. He was unmoved and continued his furious word salad. For the first time, I actually saw a frightening flash of seething hatred in his face. It really confused and scared me (we’d been together 4 years and he’d never gotten that bad). After a few weeks of this, one night, he broke down in tears, grabbed my hands, placed his forehead against my forehead and tearfully expressed his bewilderment at how we could be fighting so much and how much he didn’t want to lose our relationship. Makes me sick now to think of his true motives. A restored golden period gradually resurfaced and lasted for about three months, and then right back on the merry-go-round I went. For the very last time.
P.S. Do you want to know what we were arguing about in the scenario above? He wanted to record me singing a song that was out of my range and I was trying to explain that I couldn’t just “sing it higher” without transposing the music and I also couldn’t “JUST TRY!!!” to sing notes that were too low for me. Wtf? He is a musical idiot, but I still wonder if he was playing dumb or if he seriously didn’t understand what I was trying to explain.
Never been an IPPS and never will now thanks to HG. I know there is salami slicing at work over the 4 year period that just gets worse and worse so maybe you don’t realize what a monster he is until you ARE crumpled on the floor. It’s just so hard for me to understand how you don’t protect yourself and get as far away as you can or smother him with a pillow. They take your strength, your voice, and your gumption. Thank God I’ve never been treated this way and I am so sorry that you had to live it.
It’s a mind-effer. My golden period was two years long and these abusive episodes were relatively mild and easy to explain away at first. They gradually escalated. If he had been an asshole in the first few months of dating, it would have been a lot more obvious that he was bad news, but after a couple years of bliss, you’re already completely convinced that this person loves and cares about you. The truth is not even an option in your brain. I thought he was mentally ill for a while and tried to figure it out and help him. The truth was so much worse, but such a huge relief when I finally figured it out and accepted it.
They think they know everything- they bring man-splaining to a whole new level.
Meredith Hudson,
“They think they know everything- they bring man-splaining to a whole new level.”
I get what you’re saying (even though I’ve never been a fan of men-bashing ‘pre’ or ‘post’ narcissistic entanglement) and so I never use the term ‘man-splaining.’
But I realized in my relationship with my narc that he asserted things that made me question his intelligence (because he was intelligent in other ways) and I would tell him he needed to educate himself or google it…whatever it was that he stated was a ‘truth’ and then arguing about it with him – and then in my head I’d be wondering how he could be so obtuse…then I came to realize he was doing on it purpose; as one of the ways to get fuel from me since I wouldn’t normally engage in conversation about such a ridiculous assertion. So I wonder if narcs didn’t actually invent ‘man-splaining’?
Or maybe we just more accurately rename it as narc-splaining?
Meredith… THIS! Just chiming in since I can’t officially “like” your post.
Oh boy, reading this brought back so many memories of Narc 1. The same thing happened. The violence then the tearful this has to stop even odder is often times those episodes ended with sex.
I remember oh so well how things would be great for a spell and then I knew it was coming. He had to have the drama at some point. He had to see the pain. I remember saying specifically to him “it’s like you don’t feel loved unless you see me in pain” and I screamed “you have no conscience ” I had no idea what Narcissism was or sociopathy was and there was no Internet to consult. It finally endedor so I thought …fast forward 13 years and there he was again professing his undying love. Ugh
Lori – Wow. 13 years? That’s a testament to HG telling us that it is never over until one of you dies.
Yeah… oddly enough, our sex life was always fantastic and wasn’t affected through the devaluation phases (I believe he was a Mid Range Elite with a Somatic emphasis). I’m actually kind of disappointed that I’ll probably never achieve that kind of sexual nirvana again, but oh well.
Normally, when in devaluation, he’d rip me to pieces about once every two or three days. It would last a couple hours until he was satisfied. Then he’d calm down, we’d have a more stable, calm conversation (he would never actually apologize), I would feel like it was somewhat resolved, and then we’d just go back to “normal” relatively pleasant interaction. Over and over and over. I can’t explain why I put up with it. It’s like my mind was so traumatized, it would just erase the abuse the minute it was over. I’d carry on with life, happy and content, as if nothing was wrong. Emotional compartmentalization? What does that do to a person? Almost one month not talking to him at all and I can feel the withdrawals of the trauma bond (I’m NOT giving in, thanks solely to my newfound understanding). This is such a horrible thing to do to a person, especially someone that loves you. Unbelievable.
“I’m sorry….I wasn’t paying attention. What did you say?”
I was out running errands today after work. While tip toeing around a particularly large city of ant hills, I had a realization. I’m proud of who I am! I’m glad to be that girl that does the right thing even when nobody is looking. Destroying all their hard work and needlessly killing innocent creatures is not my style. I’ll dodge the toads in the roadway after the rain. (As much as is safe.) I’ll stop and move a turtle across the road so some low life doesn’t smash it for fun. I smile at all those I meet and say kind words. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do endeavor to leave people feeling better than when I found them and at the very least, do no harm.
There have been so many negative articles the past couple of days on the blog. Completely understandable, after all, it is a dark subject, but it’s affecting me and bringing me down. I’ve been feeling really bad. I hate the fact that people are among us capable of such abuse over some fucking jelly! who feel entitled to treat human beings worse than ants. It is a true tragedy not to feel joy. Having to hurt other people so you can feel alive is a horrible existence. I feel fortunate that I feel positive emotions and I have pity for those that cannot. If the worst thing somebody can say about me is that I’m too nice (and I’ve had it said on performance evaluations at work) I’ll take it. Proud to be an empath. I wouldn’t want it any other way!
I feel the same way. I love turtles. 🙂 Animals make me happy because they are genuine and innocent. Concentrating at work can be a little hard these days, but I have a baby Betta fish on my desk, and I just lean in and talk to him when I need a pick-me-up and he makes me smile. His name is Copernicus. 🙂 That’s my fuel! I don’t have to destroy people to feel alive. Just looking into an animal’s eyes charges me up and fills me with joy. Even if it’s a fish. I wish everyone could feel that way.
It is truly unbelievable to me that there are people that feel a charge by seeing pain in someone’s eyes that they caused. Someone that loves them! It’s unconscionable. That’s how they get away with it. It’s beyond belief. Even when it’s happening to you, it still takes forever to actually believe the truth.
What’s amazing is that I’ve found 7 of my co-workers have been victimized by narcissists. Three of them actually understand narcissism very well. Word is getting out! It’s also nice to be surrounded by people that actually get it and can give constructive, relevant support and advice. When I left a Greater, NO ONE understood anything, not even my therapist.
I think I’ve gone off on a tangent. My point is I love people! I love animals! I love the world! The birds chirping! The sun shining! The rain falling!
It must be a very dark place when you are narcissistic. They can’t even comprehend how happy someone can actually be, so they can’t even see that they’re missing out on anything. Energetically, I can see them as black vacuous holes, repelling the loving energy of the world that surrounds them. They feel that vacuum, but can’t turn it off. What a sad abomination of nature. No wonder my ex was always perplexed by my appreciation of life. I used to tell him how grateful I was to be able to experience life, and he would look at me like I just grew three heads.
I had a beta on my desk named Fred, but he perished after about 2 years. They have a limited lifespan. He’s been gone probably a year. The grieving period has been long enough. Thank you for the idea Purple! Ima get me another desk friend, maybe today! Are you in the US?
I agree with you purpleinnature that some of the simplest experiences in nature and with animals are to be rejoiced in. It’s ironic for me that some of my best experiences in nature were with, and because of, my narcissist. I can’t help thinking of the greater irony during my entanglement of times when I was worried about bears and linx – when I actually should have been more worried about the very real threat within the 4 walls containing my narc and me. Feral abused beings are so much more dangerous.
Whocares
Good point. I know people who wont have a dog in their home yet sleep with a wolf.
NarcAngel
“Good point. I know people who wont have a dog in their home yet sleep with a wolf.”
Exactly. Another perfect example…on a similar note; I would be on bear watch times during my entanglement but be more worried about local loose dogs who had no fear of people and whose good/bad nature wasn’t easy to determine at first glance…and still; complete oblivious to the true nature of my closest ‘companion’ at the time…
Hey – NA, do you have a blog? Just noticed the change in your moniker.
Mary
I have just so I can like. Nothing on my blog. Whats the change? Looks the same to me from here.
NA,
“Mary
I have just so I can like. Nothing on my blog. Whats the change? Looks the same to me from here.”
Lol, I assume you were addressing me here, and not Mary…
Your moniker says ‘narcangelblog’ instead of NarcAngel.
I asked mostly because if you had a blog I would have been interested in reading it.
Whocares
Sorry-got mixed up in my replies. I saw on another thread after that the name change. I’ve logged out of WordPress so it should return to normal. I had only created one so I could like comments and articles and thats the name I ended up with. Was reluctant to change it given the problems I’ve had with WordPress in the past (losing info etc). There is only one blog of note and that is this one, so I’ll leave the blogging to HG who does it excellently. All my blog would do is redirect to here lol.
Purpleinnature,
Everything you shared here resonates with me, and I love that you have a fish at work! That’s wonderful to have a cute little friend with you at your desk. Can relate also to your experiencing joy from looking into an animal’s eyes. I feel so blessed have a relationship of unconditional love and trust with my dog. He is my world, and he knows it. An animal sharing its life with us is such a privilege. That anyone would feel good about hurting anyone person or animal that loves them is horrific.
Totally agree, MB! I used to move tortoises, toads off the road too when I was younger and more agile (probably end up road kill myself now). More power to you! Embrace your inner empath!
Thank you windstorm
MB – yes I’m in the US. I had another little Betta on my desk named Boomer (Boom-Boom), but he only lived about 9 months :(. He actually died the week after my Mid-ranger moved out so that kind of sucked.
Mary – I love my little dog Sara. She’s been with me through thick and thin. She never trusted my Greater and she would growl at my Mid-Ranger (Lol. She weighs like 12 lbs). I should’ve listened to her! She’s 12 years old now, so every day is a little gift.
I’m heading to PetSmart today on my lunch break to pick up a friend for my desk. He doesn’t know he’s being hoovered! He will be mine. I will own him. (Of course he’s not the same one, but after all, they are all appliances, right?). Thank you for bringing him back into my sphere of influence Purple!
MB – Yay! I love my little Betta appliance! He is mine until he dies! Lol. You’re welcome. What are you going to name him? 🙂
Please say you are calling him HG!!!
I named him Boomer after yours Purple! I would attach a pic but I don’t know how. Probably against HGs rules anyway!
Boom-Boom!!! 🙂 awww… that is so sweet. He lives on. 🙂
I can totally relate to your comment MB. Lately, after reading about narcissism, I’ve felt repulsed by all the dark hatred, deception and meanness. It gives me a heavy feeling of doom that feels so futile and depressing. It feels like I’m wading through a black, murky swamp where every living thing is drenched in a dark sticky layer of muck, like being in an oil slick. It’s awful.
I know I have to keep educating myself for self-protection, but after a while of reading all about narcs, I crave lightness, honesty, laughter and the freedom of being spontaneous and having open and unguarded interactions with people.
Beautifully written WiserNow. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to be in a place where people “get” me. My whole life, I’ve thought something was wrong with me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “you’re just too sensitive”
The subject matter here is difficult to take sometimes, but the company is amazing.
Thank you MB. Yes, I totally get you and from your comments I can see that you’re a generous and positive soul and you’re not “too sensitive” at all and there is nothing wrong with you. I’ve often been told that I’m too sensitive too, and it’s ironic, because a lot of times, those same people have asked me for help or advice and it’s been my “sensitivity” that I’ve drawn on to try to offer them a solution for their problem. So, it’s therefore ok to be sensitive, honest and caring when it caters to THEIR needs.
If anything, I’d say you are enlightened, strong and fearless. I think it’s a strength to respect other people and animals and to care for them and show kindness. The energy that you give to others is priceless and keeps everyone’s wheels turning towards better things. I hope that makes sense 🙂 Anyway, I agree that it’s a great thing to be able to speak with you and other like-minded people here.
You are correct WN. People have always tended to gravitate toward me for a dose of positivity as well. I have found that most times I am an absolute beacon of light easily giving and feeling good myself from the interaction too, pleased I could brighten their day. However there are other times I don’t want that “responsibility” and just need to be alone.
Anxiety and depression have plagued me most of my adult life. Sometimes I feel like a clown with a painted on smile, dying on the inside but still able to channel humor and positivity toward others, making them feel good. They would never know.
MB,
I’m sorry to hear that you have been plagued by anxiety and depression for most of your adult life. I understand you though. That’s the difficult thing and the down-side of being sensitive and empathic. Sensitivity is a gift and a strength in many ways, but the world in general doesn’t often see it that way and fails to respect and protect it. How can less sensitive souls be sensitive enough to truly understand, respect and support those who are more sensitive? It’s a dilemma.
The good thing about communicating on this blog is that you are understood and supported. You are not a clown with a painted on smile. Your generosity and humor is recognised, validated and respected. Others do know and that’s what makes it a great place where you can be yourself and you are appreciated 🙂
Thank you WN. That is very sweet of you to say.
You’re welcome MB. It’s a pleasure.
NPD -This is honest, dark shit.
I wish I’d known this a year ago when he spent a whole month doing what I asked in order to stabilize me. I was just getting to the point where my attachment issues were resolving when he suddenly reverted. Now I understand that he did not want me to feel secure. When I finally escaped 8 months later I told him there was no one else (there wasn’t). I was essentially saying that I’d rather be alone than be with you! Ha.
You say stabilize, I say placate- just enough crumbs to make you keep hoping it will all be okay. No, they don’t want you to feel secure, nor do they want you to feel important.
Maybe placate but my anxiety levels were so high that I was having panic and asthma attacks. It was getting really dangerous for him because I was a shelf IPSS/OW, and he had dragged me into an affair and was being really stupid about it. The weekend he reverted/disappeared I screamed ‘why are you doing this?’ and he replied from a bathroom at 6:00 a.m. that he was away with his wife.
Of course had he just told me he would be out of touch for a few days, I would have been fine. Maybe he sensed that I had calmed down and he wanted me anxious again, but I think it was just thickness.
A few weeks ago (long story but I had to see him about something post escape) he said ‘I couldn’t do what we planned’ and I said ‘WE didn’t plan anything – you made me wait all day with NO indication of what the plan was.’
I can’t believe this sort of thing is deliberate. It seems more kind of Aspergers-ish to me. Do your kind expect the rest of us to be so empathic that we can read your minds, HG?
That’s her chance …the balls in her court ….to look you in the eye and calmly say let’s go for a ride ….and . ….She needs to know exactly what she wants …..
his behavior won’t change ….. so if she wants you to wear a chastity belt say it now !
Wow HG, you really are psychic! I heard one version of this this afternoonand another one this evening- and I see that the next post os How to Handle the Narcissist in Court- very timely!
You are welcome.
Yep Narc 1 said those exact words to me