Why the Narcissist Wants to Make You His Extension
When we seduce you, we want to absorb you. We want to make you part of us. This is because we see you as an extension of ourselves but it is also because we want to ensure that you are isolated and cut-off from any potential threats to our grand design for you. It is also because we want you exposed to those who will only increase and magnify our charm, our magnetism and our attraction. This means we need to expose you to and integrate you within our own networks. Accordingly, where we are the type of narcissist that has a significant social circle and family connections, you will be thrust into their midst very quickly when the seduction has begun. It is akin to taking hold of you, hanging you over a vat of liquid which represents all of our supporters, admirers and adorers and dunking you straight into it ensuring you are wholly covered, utterly subsumed and completely covered. You will be paraded around these various sources of ours in order to extract fuel from their admiration at our latest conquest. Our smearing of your predecessor will mean that that person is rarely mentioned and if they are it will be in terms which are disparaging about them and complimentary about us. That is how our coterie and lieutenants have been conditioned to respond for the purposes of maintaining our glorious appearance. We will draw fuel from all of their complimentary remarks and furthermore we will be able to gather fuel from your delighted reaction at being presented as such a wonderful and perfect person. It amounts to a fuel fest for us. This integration with those who worship us and promote our agenda is a crucial part of how we embed you into our world. You are made to feel special and wanted, liked and involved as you find yourself invited to a family dinner, a christening, a wedding, nights out with our friends, drinks with other friends, an afternoon coffee and so on. So many ways to plug you into our world by using the all obliging members of our façade. This absorption convinces you that we are the real deal. Who in in their right mind would stand against such conviction from so many people? Nobody of course and that is how our magic is woven. You feel so fortunate. Not only have you met the partner of your dreams but our family are so welcoming and friendly, and our friends are delightful. Nobody has a bad word to say about us. Little do you realise that this is almost like a television programme with actors playing the parts of family and friends and the wonderful places and events that we take to you are just scenery that has been created to give the appearance of reality. If you were able to look behind the scenes then you would see one-dimensional cardboard cut-outs, masking tape and spray paint. You will not notice though. We do not allow you sufficient time to take everything in. You are whisked from one thing to another, festooned with compliments, spun around, whirled about and not given any opportunity to consider, reflect or scrutinise. Everything is moving, shining and sparkling in order to distract you. Oh those klaxons are blaring but you cannot hear them for the honey being poured in your mouth. The red flags are flying but there is so much glitter being thrown about by us, so much fairy dust hanging in the air that you are unable to see those scarlet warnings.
We want to draw you into us through ensuring that you are utterly immersed in our supportive and obliging networks. This also means that if you happen to have some kind of concern, perhaps a slight inkling that something is not quite right and you ask one of the many people you have been introduced to, you will receive the party line in response in order to assuage your concern. This absorbing into our world, our band of merry supporters provides you with no chance to resist. Whereas in your past you may have found the mother-in-law to be distant or a brother unwelcoming, friends jealous that their friend now has a new distraction and so forth, all of those potential problems do not exist with us. This is because the few that might know what we are, the handful which may identify that there is something wrong with us even though they may not know exactly what we are, will have been side-lined. They are not allowed to point out that the beautiful world that we have created is one of smoke and mirrors. Their dissenting voices have been silenced, their pointing fingers cut off and they have been bundled away. If you ever ask about them we will either ignore your question or advance an entirely plausible reason why we no longer have anything to do with our brother. As you will recognise by now, it will all be his fault.
You are to be subsumed not only into our identity as we swallow you up to form part of us, a functioning and reliable appliance pumping fuel our way, but you are also woven into the tapestry that is our illusion. Each introduction, each party, each greeting, each pleasant afternoon getting to know members of our coterie is but a further needle stroke as we pass the thread over you and enmesh you into our illusion. Tighter and tighter the thread becomes until you are a complete part of it. Of course, should you eventually realise that you have been woven into a fabrication, the thread will be so tight about you, so complete and so covering that escape is nigh on impossible without the assistance of someone else who is able to cut you free.
22 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Wants to Make You His Extension”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
It reminds me “the invasion” with Nicole Kidman.
I really wish NK would eat a sandwich.
HG,
what if the victim refuses to meet his friends saying “well, I think it is too soon, we should spend more time together before meeting our friends and families, lets slow down”?
Can it be a reason to start the devaluation? Or is it just a red flag for the narcissist “she is not so easy to manipulate, I need to put more effort”? Or maybe it wounds: how “could she be so ungrateful”?
Assuming the victim is the IPPS, this is unlikely to derail the seduction and instead is more likely to cause the narcissist to exert more pressure. The Lesser will pretend not to be bothered and then press again for the meet and greet to happen. The Mid Range will accommodate this and appear to be understanding, but will press again and a second refusal may result in a mild pity play. The Greater will utilise a charmed approach to persuade the victim that she or he would find it worthwhile.
This is EXACTLY how I got hooked. I remember thinking his mum was very beige but helpful enough. Godfather was always centre of attention with everyone. tHiNg wanted to become the next godfather after his parents both died. Pfft!! No such luck for him though. Everyone despises him and always have!
Oh HG you want posses and and put a spell on us and have your stench on us. A good Narcissist have a way of brain washing us. HG Questions. If my Narc. was into finding supply and having one on one sexual fuel and texting. Well he got into a lot of trouble being outed There is NO way he can just give up fuel. He has a main GF, but CAN he change getting fuel from real one on one, to getting it through Social Media. He is an alcoholic and getting messy over the years of doing this for so long. Thank you Cheers
Two major red flags I saw, but chose to ignore:
Meeting his parents on our third date.
His avoidance of meeting my family and friends.
Hi HG,
I think that my ex-husband may have introduced me to his awful mother, father and step-father in order to bind me closer to him because it fostered an “us versus them” feeling. Further, an “us versus the world” dynamic.
Do you think that I may be correct that he did this intentionally, or do you think that this was just how it made me feel (protective of him)?
Thank you!
I agree he did it to foster the us v them mentality. Further so you gave him sympathy fuel and supported him.
Thank you, HG!
I can’t understand why he had to mess everything up. He had me right where he wanted me. It wasn’t always smooth sailing with him but, we made it work. My getting pregnant was unexpected and he could not adapt. He has never loved or appreciated me or our son.
It’s really very sad..
Oh my Godness! (I chose Godness, because you cannot mix it up with yourself, HG) Yes, he introduced me to his “friends” and his family. And I felt shame. They were not the kind of people with whom I want to be connected. His friends: from alcoholic over a little bit criminal to stupid and nearly no-one normal in between. His mother: she looked a little bit “cheap” with thin eyebrows (what a coincidence) and small eyes in which I saw a glimpse of nastiness, when I met her the first time. I did not want to belong to them, but I was so in love with his words and his sexuality. Brr, I do not want to remember that. If I only have had a narc with bombastic friends….I could be proud to have survived that encounter with him, but now there is only shame, nothing else. There was no real facade, it was pretty clear from the first moment. But I was so in need for appreciation, attention and tenderness, that I completely ignored the facts.
Mona – That was how I felt with the Lesser (my first husband). His friends were pure trash. I was unwittingly tagging along to drug deals without even knowing it. I was hanging out in meth houses. The cognitive dissonance was intense. That is not like me at all. But I was so desperate and starved for love. I’m so glad I grew out of that and didn’t let it suck me in. They were the most vile people you’ve ever met.
His family on both sides were actually really great people (both his parents were black sheep). They all had disowned him by the time we got divorced.
Its what they do. Even work Narcs do this
This reminds me of something my Greater did that has always puzzled me. He was an avid Harley owner/rider and had a group of biker friends he had known for years and spent a lot of time with. I was in my twenties and all of these guys (including my greater) were in their forties and fifties. He was known as the “peacemaker” that never took sides when they had their immature squabbles. They all loved and admired him. I had a great time in this new and exciting world of his for over two years until we got married and then suddenly he broke his friendship off completely with them. He told me it was because the friends that came to our wedding only came to our reception and failed to attend the ceremony itself. I always thought this was a really petty reason to break off close friendships he had had for years. We ran into one of his closest ex-friends on a bike rally once about a year later, and the friend grumbled a “hi” and would barely look at us. It was so strange. Do you think it might actually be because they only came to the reception and not the ceremony??
Dear Mr Tudor,
The weasel instigated “implied consent forms” for Mr Bubbles and I to join ” his” club (as ours had closed down)
The attention he received from introducing us was incredible. He’d always sit at our table next to us with a Cheshire Cat smile.
We got on famously with everyone and loved it. We in return invited him to a lot of social work functions Mr Bubbles and I were attending and could bring guests ….. the weasel lapped it up like a thirsty dog.
He associated my name with his so called charity work and wanted me to be his assistant and go out with him on his projects … I declined (however I provided him with lots of material and research) he even used my name without my approval …. I was furious 😡
He showed me off to everyone he knew!
He also wanted me to be his “carer”. . I declined
Because I was friends with his ex partner … Mr B and I were invited to many gatherings which involved relatives on both sides (as they had a daugher together)
I have actually met the girlfriends of his ex partner he had “made advances to” and they dobbed him in
Is there nothing “beyond the realms of decency” that these narcs wont stoop to
We longer associate with anyone anymore in that circle … I mean no one
What an exceptional piece of writing … thank you
Thank you.
Hi Bubbles, I enjoy your comments, and your reference to “the weasel'” especially caught my eye.
As I approached the front porch of ex-N’s house a look passed across his normally handsome face, and I thought ‘he looks like a weasel’. It was a fleeting expression, gone so quickly I wondered if I’d imagined it.
He was planning criminal acts against me, as it transpired.
This is so beautifully written.
An amazing depiction of how a person is literally woven into the narcissist! I love the analogy of sewing them into the tapestry, just stunning.
The truth in the behind the scenes card board cut outs , masking tape and spray paint barely holding it together. The way in which the red flags and sirens can not be seen or heard because the honey is poured into the person..
The dark intentions under the surface are clear in this tale, but they are softly lulled with eloquent language and the beauty of the view!
Writing like this takes me to another place of imagery, and sensory wonderment!
Damn it ! I was trying to be quiet and stoic and you publish this beauty !!
It’s amazing HG..
Thank you Quasi.
I agree Quasi. It might be time for him to quit his day job! Of course if he writes full time, I’ll have to learn to speed read. He’s already such a prolific writer.
What if the narc has run almost everyone out of his/her life and has a limited to non-existent network?
He may have to try and rely on fuel from a virtual network and the few proximate sources he has left, but a fuel crisis beckons.