A Question Of Trust
We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,
“I like your shirt it suits you.”
You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations. You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.
People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.
You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not be breached, betrayed or damaged. You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you. We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you seewhat you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.
By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us. We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide. When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.
Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect. When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade it just like a commodity.
When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust. Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often. You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.
25 thoughts on “A Question Of Trust”
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Just read about that story on Emile Cilliers….Is this how greater elite Narcissists act or what they do? Or does there have to be some psychopath in there?
Is this the kind of ways HG would act and do?
Because it’s absolutely disgustingly evil!
And often it’s because of porn…..they need harder and harder porn as the brain gets used to it like a drug until it gets where you actually start hurting/murdering women because they need that fix! Watch Ted Bundy’s last interview before he was executed!
I wonder how close HG is to that line…..
Sorry HG but you are a greater Elite too right?
I literally feel sick to my stomach!
I do not know if the person you are referring to is a Greater Elite, I have not read the article or made any assessment.
“Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt.” This line in the article made me stop and think.
In the day to day expected standard routines of life, yes, the world operates on a basis of trust. You expect the train to arrive at a certain time. You expect the supermarket to be open during opening hours and to sell milk and bread. You expect that your wages will be paid on the correct day. You expect other people to obey certain social rules so that you can go about your day in a civilised manner etc etc
Since discovering narcissism though, I have come to the realisation that there are so many people who operate behind a facade and they cannot be trusted. And yet, the world still keeps turning. Life goes on and most people are none the wiser.
This makes me think that narcissists are extremely good at not only presenting a facade, but of presenting a facade that raises no obvious doubts, a facade that appears harmless and benign. Their facade actually “promotes” trustworthiness. When you observe the narcs in your life that you know are narcs, it’s actually very interesting to see how they do this. (That is, after you’re aware enough that they can’t pull the wool over your eyes.) This is their natural way of operating each and every day, so it is extremely subtle and seamless if you’re not aware.
If a narc’s need for power and control is so strong that it can no longer be hidden behind a facade, the red flags are flying and the lack of trust is obvious. However, they know how to reduce the power of others who may stand in their way. Again, this is done purposefully but in a way that quietly promotes and protects their facade and their own power.
The world DOES operate on the basis of trust, however, there are those who actively and very quietly mould the “trust” of others to fit with whatever will further THEIR world.
WiserNow, your words ring very true regarding a narc or other cluster B type I’m dealing with at work. I crumble sometimes from the manipulations and gaslighting that goes undetected by others, the smearing. Thank you for your post as I’ve felt like crawling into the fetal position. I come here for commentary like yours for strength. Thank you.
You’re very welcome DUTG. I’m glad if my comment gives you strength. If it’s any help at all, I’ve felt like crawling into the fetal position too many times. There are times when I’ve wanted to give up, make myself a hermit and live in a cave somewhere just to avoid the almost unbearable levels of BS that I see sometimes.
For instance, just watching journalists question politicians on TV in interviews, it’s clear that the words, tone and subtle suggestions used by politicians just roll off their tongues, but their aim is to deflect, insinuate, smear others and raise doubts and fears. It’s all there. It’s the classic word salad or circular argument situation. But they are in a position of power and anyone who openly disagrees or tries to get to the heart of the matter has quite a job on their hands trying to prove exactly what the politician is doing.
When you know the signs and know how and why they manipulate, I find that it’s all very clear and obvious. The only thing is, if you want to live “normally”, have a job and have general social contact with people, you need to find ways to deal with it all. For me, it’s a matter of enduring small doses, being aware enough to “play along” but not get too emotionally invested, keep learning, maintain some distance, and to think strategically in order to protect personal boundaries.
I’ve also found that if you tell yourself that their manipulations will ultimately fail because they’re not based on truth, it’s easier to persevere and not let the BS make you feel deflated.
Thank Wiser Now! You are so very wise!
Oh, thank you DUTG, your comment made me smile 🙂 I’m not that wise really. I’m learning every day and trying to build on my knowledge every time I think about this subject. I also learn new things from you and other commenters here and I find that we all have something to teach each other, so I think you are very wise too.
I feel like I’ve wasted so many years by not protecting my own self, that I want to make sure that I change that. I feel determined that I don’t want to be in that position again.
‘You are not a cynic’ – oh, I am. Narcy called me Circe, and he was right, but at the time i rejected his insight. I am deeply mistrustful of men. Not all women who are drawn to self-hating men are motivated by love of men, often it’s because we hate our fathers and recognise the self-destructiveness of men who are addicted to power, which makes them ‘swine’. It’s a kind of merged empathy-apathy that has grown out of a frustated need and cynical awareness? Violence can replace trust, but this is something we have to get over if we want to rise above them.
It’s a question of lust
It’s a question of trust
It’s a question of not letting what we’ve built up
Crumble to dust
It is all of these things and more
That keep us together
Omj I agree about your qualities altering. I am harder now. I am much more ‘what’s in this for me?’ Where as before I did kind acts just because I got pleasure out of them just to be kind.
Now particularly at work I try less hard I say no and I don’t trust people’s motives.
I do the occasional good deed if I come across an underdog and that’s where I see glimmers of my old self.
Trust has mostly gone. My taste for life has numbed.
Cheating – I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I trust my partner. I’ve decided I’m better alone. I had back to back narcs too plus a couple of female narc friends along the way. Cba anymore.
Test
Looking for some commentary on this story…has any been posted anywhere here? Good to see the article mentioning ‘psychopath’….
Emile Cilliers
http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-44209421
That story is IN-F’NG-SANE!!!
It made me wonder how charming he is in person? You wouldn’t look at him and think scary Hannibal Lecter upon first glance. I imagine that is a glimpse at a greater elite in action.
That poor wife. I had hoped to hear how her recovery is for her health and for her little ones. I can’t imagine what her mental state must be going through the physical injuries and damage to her body that way and knowing the person she loved the most caused it.
Thank you for replying Clarece. I always enjoy your insights. I have read many articles on Emile Cilliers now. The actual words and descriptions of his seductions, devaluations, manipulations and triangulations are so textbook. They echo everything described here at narcsite. If you get a chance, read up on what the mother of his first two children has to say about him. I was hoping to hear more about this real life case here. He’s a very dangerous man, similar to what I experienced really. Luckily I escaped as my ex husband was always about the $$$s. Situations like these remind me how lucky I am.
DUTG
I read the article. Very interesting, and confirms the brutal truths that HG has exposed us to here.
I will look up more articles on him. I’m leaving on a vacation this week, so that will make some good reading material at the airport and poolside.
Yes, if that is the caliber of your ex, I would be hyper vigilant about being almost invisible through all means of being found.
Clarece, the wife gave an interview after the verdict. It’s very clear she has yet to grasp the full reality. Let me know what you think after you’ve read it. Enjoy your vacation!
NarcAngel, the poor wife victim hasn’t fully digested the reality. Have you read her interview? Google Victoria Cilliers interview. Someone needs to direct her here.
Hi DUTG!
I read her interview. She is still deep in the trenches of shock and denial. I totally get it. Her kids seem to be her anchor and she appears very devoted to them. She’ll pull through, but I don’t know how you mentally come back fully from that.
Wow, that’s shocking. If it wasn’t all explained and described in detail, it would be hard to believe. The facade he must have created to continually get away with all his deceptions must have been quite something.
How he could fool women into continually sleeping with him, especially his ex-wife, beggars belief when you don’t know the psychological basis for what’s happening.
I’m glad his wife survived the horrible fall, and I hope she has recovered from her injuries. I’m also glad it’s game over for him. As the article said, he would have kept going until his plot was carried out. Just goes to show how important empathy, conscience and impulse control are to human behaviour.
WiserNow, the many articles I’ve read echo everything we read here. He married first wife in UK then had two children with her never telling mother of his first two children in South Africa that he’d moved on. At one point there’s a confrontation with the 3 of them in the room, and he asks which one wants him the most. Each relationship served a financial or visa purpose. Current wife who he also had two kids with and could have very well also been killed with the gas leak discussed his silent fury/rage when she asked him not to smoke in her car. Her interview in Sunday’s papers show she’s still struggling to accept he tried to murder her and possibly their kids. She dismisses his actions as just those of a sex addict.
It’s unbelievable that the women in his life cannot accept the depths of his malignant psychopathic actions. Even after his latest wife almost died and endured horrific injuries. It’s hard to even fathom the fear she must have felt plummeting to earth with a faulty parachute and then the pain of her injuries and the time it took to recover, and the anguish of it all for her children to live through all of that. She will probably be suffering from physical problems for the rest of her life.
Yet, still, she can’t accept the truth and thinks it’s down to him being a sex addict. Unbelievable. It makes me question why people want or need to hold on to their illusions so much. It’s really hard to understand, because the human brain in these instances is jeopardising the very life of it’s owner.
Hi DUTG,
I just want to add that my comment is not intended to blame the victims at all, in any way. When I say it’s unbelievable, what I mean is that I find it perplexing, however, I understand that the human mind is capable of many different things. I can see that the shock and denial is very real for the victim. It’s just that I find it all fascinating.
Perhaps the shock and denial is how the brain “softens” the whole situation for the victim, allowing them the time and mental space to survive the devastating experience. Perhaps denial provides the victim’s mental state with the “hope” required to enable them to keep going and to slowly recover until they are in a stronger mental space to accept the truth. Anyway, it’s all very interesting.
I don’t know if I am the only one but I find the very qualities I had at the begining of the relation like trustworthiness, reliability etc kind of reduced with time with him. Like if my righteous boundaries have been so shaken that they are not so true anymore ?
I slowly see the glimpses of what I use to be coming back – I guess it is the back to back Narcs and discoveries here altogether that got me like all scattered and lost my sense of direction.
I don’t care much about people lying anymore- cheating etc it’s like normal – or something to be expected . It sucks
I understand what you are saying. If you told my 18 yr old self what I’m like now, how many sexual partners I’ve had, all of the things I’ve said….she wouldn’t believe you. She would be disappointed.
It could be a number of things. For one, a recognition that your empathic traits don’t always serve you well. When it comes to abusers they are more of a weakness. It could be your Super Empath emerging and showing itself. I used to be a complete love devotee who believed in monogamy and open honesty. These days I’m more of a narcissist when it comes to sex. I’m probably just avoiding intimacy, but all I see is that relationships are manipulations where one person is waiting for the moment when they have the other person ensnared and then do whatever the fuck they want. I am annoyed and afraid of monogamy now. By not commiting we probably protect ourselves from narcissists who are looking for us to be completely bound to them. However, true to empathic form, we end up being a secondary source.
Just my ramblings and observations. Try not to be hard on yourself for how you have changed. Remember, we are on the end of the spectrum and you are simply becoming more balanced.