The Narcissist’s Social Media Laws – No. 18
49 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s Social Media Laws – No. 18”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
So true. When I went NC last year, I wasn’t strong enough to delete the messaging app from my phone. It taunted me every minute of every day. What finally triggered me to delete it? When I accidentally hit/opened it (while trying to select the app beside it). It did not load anything due to a poor signal and me closing it right away, but the intense kick in my gut when that happened, the way my stomach and heart sank, I knew nothing healthy or good should feel that way. So I deleted it without ever seeing anything he’d written, or even IF he had written, because anything good or bad, would be manipulative and would likely trigger me to get upset and/or reply.
I want badly to consult with HG on Skype, but am afraid to do so because my online narc is also on Skype.
Mary, You can consult with HG and keep your Skype setting to “offline” if you are concerned about your Narc seeing you active. I wouldn’t let that even be an obstacle.
Clarece,
That’s definitely something to look into. Thanks for the tip. I’m fearful also of seeing my narc active, or that he will message me when I’m tweaking the settings. I don’t trust myself not to mess something up, but maybe it can be done. HG’s assistance in figuring out some marital dynamics, if hubby is a narc and what kind, as well as knowing if I’m even an empath or not, would be worth the risk.
Mary
Re:Skype
Fairly certain HG is not going to agree to a 3 way Skype with you and your narc, so youre safe lol.
NarcAngel,
LOLOLOL That would be one hell of a triangulation.
I always wondered why the narc wanted me to load What’s App into my phone. It completely creeped me out at the time, so I refused. Now I am so relieved to know why.
Thankfully been able to eventually avoid this one. After realizing that looking only hurts, and how good it feels to not look. I went so far as to figure out where the “block” button was on said social media, then prematurely cover the screen with paper before going to his profile so I could block it without seeing anything. At best I’d see that he wasn’t broadcasting anything inflammatory and have false hope, and at worst there’d be activity that would make me jealous and send me into a spiral. Now I don’t care when he’s on or what he does.
It’s just not worth the torture and the pain, and that’s coming from a masochist.
Good for you! Takes a lot of strength and will power to do that. That is a healthy sign. Very good. The longest I could do it for was 10 days. He has now blocked me and in some sort of weird f’d up way I’m grateful to him for doing so.
That’s a real achievement echo and a strong sign you are getting healthier and that the emotional infection is clearing.
How long ago did you block him ?
Lori
But you know he will unblock you at some point because he knows you’ll check and that is part of his perverse pleasure. What is the point of him blocking you if you are going to keep checking? What will you do when he unblocks?
Hi Lori, thank you for the kind words 😊
it’s been a few months now but at first (maybe a year or so ago) I did the same thing, blocking/unblocking. One of the emotion vs. logic battles. At the time I was also sending frantic, unhinged emails to him. I practically begged him to block me because I couldn’t and finally he did. It was a huge relief to me that the control was out of my hands, tbh. But, inevitably, I got hoovered.
I think that him responding, even if only by blocking me, actually showed a bit of mercy and kindness that left me more open and vulnerable to a later hoover.
I begged him, too, to block me. I begged and begged, I deliberately sent angry, unhinged emails trying to drive him to it. Eventually, he did. Hurt like a mother, and he has never undone it. Only in fb could I reach him as its a new account. I will never ever send a message. I leave that one open because if it bothers him that I ignore him, then that’s all I have left. He is hereby forever ignored, even if he still bothers my heart and mind and times. Its my only last weapon against him. That I finally got control of myself as he always taunted and shamed me for not having.
Echo
I went thru the very same thing many times begged him to block me etc… he did then unblock you know the drill
Something about this time was different there was no argument he simply says it was best if we didn’t talk it caused too many problems and bam blocked me right after he said it. I’m pretty sure his phone is still open but I don’t check to find out.
I’m curious how long did he block you and what was the hoover like ? Did he just contact you out of the blue?
Same. The game went on and on. Then finally, it was him saying if you can’t accept this, we won’t ever talk about it, it’s best we don’t talk. And I was fine. I am saying goodbye forever. March 2017.
Lori
I can’t remember how long I was blocked for, or what exactly happened that he emailed me back. I think it was shortly after I sent a goodbye that was like, actually giving up. I had finally genuinely said fuck it and was moving on. They can tell if it’s bluffing. Then a while after that, maybe a couple weeks or something, I got a reply that he was messaging me for one if two things to happen – either accept that we were bad for each other and move on, or start completely over. Like he literally introduced himself to me again.
Echo
Holy Shit ! Yes that’s what we call the reset button. They literally have a reset button where they erase everything that’s happened. It’s crazy
Ok so how did you answer ?
This was totally me! I dont miss those days!
He blocked me and I have to say it was the best thing he could have ever done for me. There is no more looking checking etc.. it was driving me crazy. Sometimes THEM blocking you is the best thing that could ever happen. I still struggle with thinking of him from time to time or wanting to reach out via phone but I do not. Every time I have it’s just been more of the same.
Did you block him?
Hi lori…id have to agree he did do you a favor altho very painful. Did you block him? Bc he could unblock you at any time.
No i didnt block my narc i just stopped following him online. I dont go on his facebook or share any websites or forums with him. Its been a huge relief. That being said he from time to time will bring it to me by way of “sharing”. Look how this person responded etc. I told him flat out i dont want to see females replies to you dont show me bc im not interested. He got quiet and i know he got negative fuel but was also narc injured bc i stood up for myself.
I realize he could unblock me any time not likely though as he is suspended from fb Facebook for a month or so. Quite honestly the more I learn and put together about him the more i am complete frightened of him and want nothing to do with him. I have put some more things together that would make your hair stand on end. Hopefully he’ll just stay away. This guy has tons of supply and I don’t think he is in need of mine but in truth you never know.
The best thing he ever did was block me. Its given me a chance to disconnect some so that I can get the ET under control. Where my shame lies is in that I’m not new to this this already happened to me years ago with a guy I was living and working with for 5 years then he came back 13 years later. I keep thinking how did I ever allow this to happen again? Ugh
Let everyone beware that just because you’ve been through this and are educated on the subject does not guarantee that it won’t happen to you again
Narc Affair be very careful how you deal with him being you are m tried and he isn’t. They love to leave your life in a pile of ruins
Narc Affair,
This is me as well. I did it more when he would be shelving and not talking to me at all. I was taken off the shelf last night and now am back again with the carrot of a phone call dangled in the near distance.
Hi gabs…ive been taken off the shelf too. What i find with my narc is when i start to get on with my life and dont dwell about being on the shelf he has a newfound interest in me. I think they look at it as maintenance and maintaining the bond. Even tho im off the shelf its in the back of my mind to not get absorbed into it bc i know the cycle and its ever changing. Lets just say its lost its thrill. I enjoy our friendship and i do love my narc but im not allowing myself to be absorbed intimately.
My advice would be to get a different carrot. Dont expect that phone call. Try to replace it with something else to look forward to.
How long have you been involved with him?
Oh yes, they hate when you don’t pay attention and stop waiting for them…even when they are pushing you to “be less attached” what a joke. In retrospect I even see now how his cold shoulder/fury would erupt if I posted something nice about my husband on social media or if I was busy with my family and couldn’t engage in sexting when he demanded etc. (eye roll)
You want me to be less attached…you got it…deal with the consequences Mr. Narc.
I see that my ET is coming out in this post….sigh…not every day is easy haha
Narc Affair,
I could have written your response. I swear he has a 6th sense of knowing when to reach out to me. It is almost uncanny.
Here is my story:
The last time he asked for a call he blew me off and never called me. And I texted “It hurts my feelings when you say you are going to call and you don’t”. He gave a half-assed apology. And then he went silent. So I stopped reaching out and went silent too. This was 2 weeks ago. Then yesterday he texted to ask how I was and if I would like a phone call.
It was the hardest thing I ever did but I did NOT immediately reply!!! I waited 9 hours later until right before I went to sleep to reply. I was aloof about it was like “yeah sure that would be nice” and then I (politely) asked WHY he wanted to call me. Yes I questioned him….LOL. I also dropped a sarcastic joke and said “I doubt it is because you miss me…”
Here is how it went down after that…
He replied, “What am I supposed to say to that?”
Me: “I don’t know. Say whatever you’d like. But I do not mind you calling me”
Him: “I am not sure I am gonna call anymore, I don’t need you giving me hell…”
Me: “Hell? I am not giving you hell…”
Him: “Yeah not right now but you were 2 weeks ago for not calling you and you seem to be sore about it still…”
Me: “Yeah I am but whatever I am used to it. So are you calling me tomorrow or what?”
Him: “LOL. We’ll see…” (that usually means no but I did not say that to him, I did a few times before but not this time)
Me: “Sounds good. Goodnight.”
Him: “Goodnight”
I sent a good morning text today. It was ignored. As I figured it would be.
This was the first time I waited NINE HOURS to reply. He is not stupid, I am sure he knows that and it irked him.
Does your MRN act similarly?
They usually count the hours – it’s been 10 days you have not replied to my texts – he said – while counting on his fingers.
They count all the time with their fingers – mine was counting the numbers of IPSS he had in each city country he has a house or a pied à terre.
9 hours … double it next time :)))
Boy, I don’t miss those days. Seeing if I could go 8 hours and he didn’t care about going 2 weeks. No, don’t miss them at all. Last we ever spoke was March of 2017. I miss nothing about the games, only that it was false.
To clarify, I don’t miss that it was false. I miss that I thought was real and it was only false.
Yeah I agree – I understand that feeling.
Narc Affair…
P.S. I forgot to reply to your question….sorry!
It has been 2 years and 4 months of intermittent fuckery.
Supernova DE..
“Oh yes, they hate when you don’t pay attention and stop waiting for them…even when they are pushing you to “be less attached” what a joke”
OMG this is my MRN!
“You are WAY too attached to me!”
Lost count the number of times I heard that one!
Fuel on the Shelf,
Re: “It has been 2 years and 4 months of intermittent fuckery.”
Gabs, that is nearly two and a half years of your life. I want to see you happy and not giving one more second of your time to this fuck head. Life is too short and too precious. Narc Affair’s suggestion that you get a different carrot. What is something you really enjoy and are passionate about? It would be a more fulfilling use of your energy and also you could meet a couple of friends in the process.
Hugs,
Mary
FOTS,
I’m sure they all say that to their IPSS when they are married…its an easy out of course.
Due to your prolific comments (you must be a geyser like me hehe), I know we are in similar situations. I am long distance also but online, very few in person interactions because the distance is prohibitive. I have known narc since I was 14, reconnected as “old friends”. I’ve been in it intermittently for 3 years. I’ve had three discards and many shelvings in between. This last discard felt different, and I ‘escaped’ at the same time – though I didn’t know what he was yet. I am in no contact but it is tenuous some days at best on my end. ET still makes me nauseous and anxious at times. I don’t even love him, I think he’s an asshole haha and I’d never want to be with him. Addiction to the attention/sexual attention/sensuality of the golden period – though as NarcAffair said once they never give it back to you in the same way again, just “semi”
Hi gabs…tbh my narc would never do this bc he knows id not stay with him. Were all different in what we will put up with and what we wont. I wont put up with him disappearing on me for any length of time. The reason being is it causes me tremendous stress and thats my breaking point. He knows the last narc did this and its why i walked away. That all said there are things i have put up with. Awful gaslighting, triangulation and tons of lies.
He has a few times not showed up at our usual time online in the evening. He hasnt done this for a few yrs. Hed msg me hours later apologizing that the glass of wine had made him sleepy and he fell asleep. I suspect it was a lie bc he had told other lies in the past.
Your narc sounds like hes doing the bare minimum to just keep you in his supply matrix. He knows he has to contact you within a certain time or youll move on. He sounds confidant he can get away with a couple weeks and have you still waiting. The waiting 9 hrs is a good msg to him that youre no longer jumping at his calls. Maybe you could make that a goal to increase each time the amount of time you take before replying? It may help to eventually detach and restablish control. Eventually when youre ready dont reply at all then block. Congrats on waiting the 9 hrs its a step in the right direction! Ideally no contact but any step taken is better than staying in the same pattern.
OMJ,
No way…..they really count the hours???!!!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Oh, fuel on the shelf, you’re not taken off the shelf just because they talk to you. Not even if they see you… no no no no…. you’re just an ego-boost. He sounds like an unpleasant mid-ranger, who is aware of his low self-esteem and enjoys petty power tripping over someone who is more openly vulnerable than him, because he can, and because he has no repsect for others (how can one respect others if one has no self respect?) You’re the -only one- who can assert boundaries here. Also in life, in general.
You’re wounded and leaking emotions, then seeking validation from him, so you can get the energy to build self-esteem motivated boundaries, but if it’s coming from energy you get from him and not yourself, then it’s only temporary. You’re a sieve – because you need to work on having an internal support system that will help you hold more self-esteem, independently of his illusory attention.
You can be the loveliest, most talented person ever, and you’re not predating on others so you have what you need to live your own life within you – but without a self-sustaining internal structure, you can’t protect yourself from wasting your energy. You know? Feed yourself the right stuff. He’s just junk food, a quick sugar rush that leaves you more empty than before… and you need to recognise your real needs and sacrifice the addiction to the substitute. No matter how painful, that is also temporary.
This is why ‘no contact’ solves one facet of an issue that goes much deeper. Your life is about you, not him. He’s not your friend. You know this, but you need to accept – and live it.
Don’t neglect yourself, think of yourself as a child in some ways, and how sad it would be to neglect her.
<3
Fuel on the Shelf and /iroll:
Gabs, /iroll’s post to you is very insightful. This is all so true, the illusory connection with him is exactly that. Junk food! The initial hit of your narc’s brief acknowledgement that you exist feels good, but then he disappears again or says something shitty, and constantly lets you down, leaving you feeling even emptier than if he had never written at all! At least that’s how I felt.
/iroll – “think of yourself as a child in some ways, and how sad it would be to neglect her.” THIS is so true. We all have to nourish and look after the child inside us.
seekimg validation and self worth from outside of youself is Codepebdent behavior. I have no idea if you are Codependent. Instead of studying Narcissism take time to learn about Codepency and see if that sounds like you.
Yes this is so true it’s exactly what I did
It is freedom to stop this. Now that I don’t see any of his movement on what’s app etc I feel a lot of « space « back.
Its true.
HG the guy I just started dating recently said “are you on my team!?” to me in a sudden rude tone when I disagreed with him about where we should go out to eat. Is this a possible red flag or just a weird thing to say.
It is.
hg, I am reading all the comments and saw you replied to Kathryn that the guy asking her if she is on his team is a red flag. Can you please briefly explain why that would be a red flag? Thanks.
Control.
Run don’t walk. That’s a very big weird thing to say.
This is true. It becomes a strange obsession.
Too true!
WINDSTORM VERY TRUE!
WINDSTORM, VERY TRUE!
WINDSTORM, I HAD SO MANY RED FLAGS , I KNEW TO BE CAREFUL, ,WE ARE BEATEN DOWN CONSTANTLY WITH OUR PARENTS PAIN,PHY , WE LET BAD BEHAVIOR BY OTHERS FOOL US ! KEEP STUDYING,LEARNING, WITH HG,KNOWING THE NARCISSIST !😋😑😅😄!