The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 1
A series of memes which encapsulate the golden rules that you MUST apply to enable you to build your Logic Defences, overcome the power of your emotional thinking and enable you to achieve freedom.
By accepting these golden rules and repeatedly reading them out loud and writing them down, ensuring you do so frequently, you will create one of the many Logic Defences which is necessary to bring your emotional thinking under control. Learn the golden rules, apply the golden rules and remind yourself of the golden rules. These golden rules will lead you to freedom.
When you know, you go. When you know you are entangled with a narcissist – you go. You do not wait around seeking answers from that person (seek them from me instead). You do not try to heal them, you do not remain trying to decipher their behaviour (I will do that for you). When you know that a fresh narcissist is trying to seduce you – you go. When you know that a narcissist is hoovering you – you go. But most of all, when you are already entangled and you finally learn what it is you are entangled with – you go. You have to remove yourself from the toxic influence which is maintaining your emotional infection, feeding your addiction and keeping you stuck, all aided and abetted by your con-artist in residence,your emotional thinking.
Never breach this rule. If you do, you are preventing yourself from achieving freedom. Anything which contravenes this rule is emotional thinking which wants you to remain entangled, seduced or hoovered.
49 thoughts on “The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 1”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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If I may go off topic, you said “You do not wait around seeking answers from that person (seek them from me instead). You do not try to heal them, you do not remain trying to decipher their behaviour (I will do that for you)” these two sentences are really powerful to me for some reason. Its my favorite part of this. I love this article so much, it makes me feel like the abuser doesnt hold the keys to closure anymore because you can work us through that. We dont own the burden we are actually allowed to let go of it. The article gave us the permission to let go, which is what we are looking for in some weird way. Love it.
Thank you and very well put.
I just listened to your interview, HG, and wanted to tell you that I found it very interesting, especially the part about having NC with narcissistic parents. I think I had never heard you talk directly about NC with narc parents.
It is true that it is difficult to go NC with an elderly narc mother because of the way society is programmed regarding parents and because of one’s emotional thinking. So I really enjoyed that part of the interview.
Thanks.
You are welcome and thank you for listening.
This is undoubtedly the Golden Rule. Remember that when you stay, providing negative fuel, you are giving the narcissist what they need to charm and seduce someone else. Let that motivate you in staying away.
You’ve been conditioned to keep him everpresent and on your mind. Try not to even reminisce about him/her. It only delays your healing. Use that energy on yourselves.
HG. How does he always know that I am making plans to go. I am on the shelf so there really is very little communication. Yet every time he just seems to know. Is it the binding?
this is correct . it really helps to forget as well . great thanks !
Dear Mr Tudor,
Clear, straightforward and to the point, best advice ever.
The sooner you go… the sooner you can begin the healing process.
These would make great stickers .. hehe
Excellent and outstanding meme
Thank you
You are welcome.
i love this post. I say in my mind over and over again: “When you know, you go…” Thank you
I do know and I have gone. I would like something deciphered as I have to label things in my mind: I was and am being correctively devalued if there was any channel of communication left open. I tested a while back I sent a message via text and I’m almost 100 percent certain I’m not blocked on phone. It was ignored. That is silent treatment and otherwise known as corrective devaluation for an ipss correct?
I am done with him. I do know what he is and I cannot pretend I don’t. I thank you HG from the bottom of my heart for this information because even though I’m quite well read on the disorder you have shed a different light on it that has helped me accept it. Before, I cognitively knew but it was all so clinical in nature that I didn’t really accept it. It’s entirely different when a real person who has this disorder says leave me. I cannot change and I will harm you. That helps me absorb it.
But with that said, I still Iike to officially label all the behavior in my head which is why I ask that question
I truly thank you for the help you have given me
Lori,
HG might confirm but here is how I take that situation:
-You may be discarded. I do not think all narcs block “just because”. If you have not been “bothering him” he might leave the channel of communication open to receive passive fuel from any text you send and for ease of contacting you in the future
-sending a testing message is quite risky on your end and in effect breaking no contact (and fostering your ongoing ET). I do not say this with judgment, since if you read my post further down on this thread I just broke no contact myself.
-silent treatments can blur into a discard and so the distinction may not be strictly necessary, especially now that you are empowered with knowledge
You know what? The more I think about it I think who freakin cares if it is corrective devaluation? Does it change anything ? No it does not. He is a narcissist game over.
Once you know you go.
Lori that is good ! You should draft a diagnostic tree – it is good for the label and also anticipate the most likely next move as for the outcome –
Wether you are shelved- silent treatment – disengaged or corrective devaluation – it will all lead to the same bs and pain.
But I like the idea of shematizing the different case scenario.
Hi Lori, Sorry for attempting to answer your question directed at HG. I have been studying HG’s writings with diligence and hope to be able to apply correctly what I have learned. According to HG’s writings (“The Faces of Devaluation,” “Why Doesn’t He Answer My Text Messages,” “Stepford Devaluation”), corrective devaluation is short and prescriptive in nature intended to bring the appliance into compliance. Thus, the narc will generally let you know what you should do or what you should stop doing when you are subjected to corrective devaluation. Consequently, if what you are experiencing is not short and prescriptive in nature, then it looks like you have 3 options of what this may be: (1) silent treatment, (2) shelving; (3) disengagement. According to HG, the difference between silent treatment and disengagement (see “Silent Treatment or Discard”) is if you are able to contact the narc, even if no response is received, it is silent treatment, if you are not able to contact the narc, for example, you are blocked, it is disengagement. Next, as between shelving and disengagement (please see “Shelved or Disengaged”), the relevant factors, detailed in the articles, should be analyzed but the bottom line seems to again be consistent with the “Silent Treatment or Discard” article whereby if you are not blocked and lines of communication are open, it is more likely shelving, if they are closed, it is disengagement. In addition to the above, you may think about your last interaction with the narc, if it is disengagement, the response from the narc would have been malign as opposed to benign if shelving. Finally, I believe HG repeatedly stated with the secondary source, shelving is more common than disengagement. To sum up the above, the framework seems to be (1) secondary or primary source; (2) duration of the silence from the narc; (3) malign vs benign response; (4) lines of communication open or closed. Not sure if this is helpful to you but there you have it. HG, I hope you don’t mind my attempts at helping and please by all means correct any inaccuracies.
Hello Lori! The fact that you need labels to categorize the sort of silence you are put through by the narcissist clearly shows that you are not yet done with him.
If we go No Contact we should train ourselves to stop analyzing and obsessing on the behaviour of the narcissist.
No Contact means to get the narcissist out of your head. Asking yourself if he puts you through a corrective devaluation OR a disengagement only nourishes the incurable hopes of the empathic individual (which you are) that your relationship with the narcissist can be revived and resurrected.
H G Tudors categories are extremely helpful in understanding the behaviours and macchinations of the narc. But: Once you went NO CONTACT you must concentrate solely on accepting the fact that there should be no turning back, come what may.
Forget about corrective devaluation.
Concentrate on your healing.
I for myself had a horrible break up with “my” narcissist and I did everything wrong because I delivered so much fuel in my last chats and interactions with him.
But instead of musing and obsessing about all this – I finally did the right thing, went N C and since then work each and every day in FORGETTING the whole affair.
Your know like there a hundreds of Barbie doll types? Princess Barbie, Mermaid Barbie, whatever.
I’ve begun to see narcs that way … all the same in the core, but come in so many different guises: scientist narc, party narc, artist narc, business narc, dom narc …. etc.
Ava101
Can he be that creepy Ken doll instead? Because Barbie has those rockin outfits and the corvette, condo, etc. Hate to give all those residual benefits up lol. Also Ken has no balls so theres that…
Barbie talk always reminds me when I was a kid the next door neighbour boy saw me with mine and claimed he had GI Joe which was way cooler and showed me. I thought so too but I wouldnt admit it. So I ripped off all of Barbies clothes and threw GI Joe on his back on Barbies couch and had her crawl all over him. I asked him who was cooler now. I still remember his face lol.
NA
Ha ha ha…why am I not surprised… ha ha ha.
NarcAngel:
I’m dying over here! Thank you for sharing that Barbie/GI Joe story. LOLOLOL
You probably imprinted that poor boy for life NA! He’s probably still turned on to this day by plastic shoes. Funny story.
I didn’t mean the narc become a barbie doll 😉 , I meant a new kind of puppet which changes with outside features, while the core always is the same.
My Barbie had a husband who never was part of her life, he was always laying on the side, his only role was to marry her so she would get children (by marrying, not by doing anything with him). Other than that, male dolls where never part of the play, only her and other female dolls. She was an independent photographer, journalist, fashion designer, teacher, etc., no need for a man.
Thank God I only ruined the hair of my first Barbie with the Barbie hair salon with working hood dryers (all in bright orange) of my sister, because I just sold my old Barbie stuff for a nice little sum. Also cool outfits, yeah, she had the best.
Does anyone else remember the two-faced dolls? There were different ones but the one I remember most was a Red Riding Hood doll that if you flipped her hat over her face she became the wolf on the other side. That would be appropriate for the narc doll I think. Flip the hat on the golden boy who says things like: ‘you’re the one’ to see black pools for eyes and the rictus grin announcing: I didnt tape porn over our wedding video. You must have done when you taped James Corden car karaoke.
Dear NarcAngel,
You are an absolute cute hoot 😂
😘
NA
LMAO at this line: I didnt tape porn over our wedding video. You must have done when you taped James Corden car karaoke.
I do remember two-faced dolls and I had a Goldilocks with a dress that hid the three bears underneath so you could pull the dress up and over her face and reveal the hidden bears.
Dear NarcAngel,
Your Ken reference reminded me of this couple we know …..
we actually nicknamed them Ken n Barbie (they know) … yes, he’s creepy, thinks he’s gods gift, they’re both extremely pretentious and have no real friends … they have no idea everyone laughs at them. It’s funny, we were picnicing in the park one day and it started to rain … we tried to gather up all our belongings, however, he sneakily darted off by himself without lifting a finger to the safety of a tree for one so as not to get rain in his precious wine 🍷🌧😂
Yes… he’s a greater
Luv Bubbles xx
Haha, NarcAngel, never heard of these twofaced dolls, but sounds appropriate. 😉
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Just found this thread.
NarcAngel, you should have your own late nite comedy show.
Not to gush, but you’re a gem.
(Hope everything is going well for you)
I think the narc regarded me as one of his Barbies
Yes, yes, yes
Thank you so very very much for this, HG. I am on No Contact since May 20th and this is exactly what I need to guide me through.
I shall embrace learning the Golden Rules by heart. Each and every day. I love you H G. I love what you are doing!
Thank you so very much!
Hi Ursula, I remember you from last year on here. I see you are seizing the power! Very best to you on your journey!
Yes, insatiable learner. I a completely clear. I had a Lightbulb-Moment in January in which the inner emptiness of “my” narcissist was revealed to me. He tried to put the mask on once again but couldn’t revive the magical spell. The insight for me had been too deep. Yet, I nourished hopes that the magic could return. But, the narcissist executed a harsh punishment against me via triangulation. And now, I am completely on NO Contact and feel lightheaded and free.
I feel that there is nothing to mourn. And nothing left to yearn for.
Thank you for remembering me.
Thank you so very very much H G ! I am on No Contact since May 20th and this is what will guide me through.
I shall embrace learning the Golden Rules by heart. Each and every day.
I love you H G. I love what you are doing. Thank you.
You are most welcome. Keep the NC going.
Yes HG I am celebrating every new day of No Contact.
I am very proud of having finally found the courage to execute it.
And I am preparing for the day the narcissist will inevitably return and try to hoover me. He is living only ten minutes away from my home…
Thanks to your articles I KNOW that he WILL come and try and I am.preparing myself NOT to open the door, NOT to let him in AND NOT to show the slightest emotion.
I am very very well trained by your articles!!!
Great job Ursula! Wtg
I hope to keep my defences up. There are moments of incredible sadness. But I am sure to follow the path to emotional freedom. It is the right way.
The golden rules provide excellent advice.
I can totally see how an IPPS especially, needs to heed this advise and go as soon as they become aware of their entanglement, although I know for many it is not so simple; and this complexity is not just a creation of their emotional thinking, but the product of their situation/ environment.
I am of the opinion that our emotional mind and thinking serves a purpose, I am aware that I may be alone in this opinion as ET can be seen as the enemy. ( I often don’t like it very much lol)
What I mean by this is – thinking by its nature needs emotions and motivation.
Emotions can be a compass to knowing, and understanding oneself.
Making mistakes also helps us to learn.
I am in no way saying that everyone should be totally lead by their emotional mind, this has potential to lead to chaos. But I will maintain that the emotional mind has a great purpose and functionality. It can be just as important as the rational / logical mind. The goal in my opinion is to achieve the balance, as with so many things in life – balance is the key. I am still working on this, I thought I had got further with achieving this, but it’s still a work in progress, and I’m accepting that.
I have often been caught off guard by emotional mind, on this blog also quite often. Especially as I have been so open about my experiences on the blog, more so then with anyone else. When you open yourself up and tell your story with honesty and clarity, you quite often open up your vulnerability. In this capacity I have been able to allow my emotional mind and thinking to express itself ( sometimes in a rambling tangent of justification lol).
For me to then read this expression again, process it, realise and understand where I am in my own head, what I am still challenged by, what I can learn from this. This process has been eye opening to say the least. Other bloggers questions, guidance and advise, when I have been quite clearly in emotional mind has also been fundamental in my development and understanding. I can’t thank you all enough for this.
In direct relation to the man I was entangled with I came to realise what he was approximately 2 months before I ended physical contact with him.
It was my emotional mind that highlighted something was not right, it showed me that I was reacting to triangulation, baiting, silent treatments. My emotional mind highlighted through emotional responses the nature of the relationship. It was only then that my rational mind could use that emotional response information, to seek the truth , to learn, to understand.
Power comes with understanding and knowledge.
If we were not truth seekers then we may be stuck in an ignorant fog of confusion. Stuck in a relationship with a narcissist.
I voluntarily enabled physical contact with the narcissist on two occasions when I knew what he was. Emotional mind at play yes, did it lead to poor decisions being made by me? Yes…… but did I learn more as a result of that? Yes.
I can’t prove to myself that if I had not followed my emotions and emotional mind in those situations that I would not still be in The narcissists world right now.
Those decisions, that intimacy with a person who could not actually tolerate it gave me evidence, it gave me proof, it gave me facts to work with. Again so my rational mind could utilise this known experienced evidence, to without any doubt reason why I needed to get out and stay out.
I could say to myself when My emotional mind wanted to contact him – Remember what that felt like? Remember what happened? Remember what he did? Remember his words? Remember his malice? Remember? Don’t you dare contact him! It helped me to stop active contact with him before his disengagement of me, which was in my view an attempt to incite a reaction from me and to gain contact from me. It helped me to resist the urge to show a reaction to him, to contact him as a response… it helped me to stay silent!
Did my emotional mind lead me to a pivotal point in the relationship quicker? If I had not slept with him would I still be in his world? Being triangulated, responding to bait? Being affected by his presence online, him having access to my life online, being affected by his presence in my friendship group when we are all out socialising, because it was a secret?
Would I be fully embedded in his toxicity because I had not given my rational mind reasonable evidence? Evidence to counteract the emotional mind that cared for him and did not want to let him go fully? My answer is yes I absolutely could still be in the thick of it. So for this reason I am in grateful to my emotional compass, for potentially shortening the time frame I allowed myself to be interacting with this man.
For evoking a concluding ending that he actioned, a decision that my emotional mind would not have made, but one that I tolerated and ultimately became thankful for.
In summary my opinion is that emotional mind needs to be enabled and navigated first! This can in turn give evidence to and strengthen logic defences, to bring more balance and control over emotions, and how they are utilised.
In my situation when I knew what he was I didn’t go, I needed evidential experience to bring an end that was to my mind final. To give me the tools to rationalise and increase my resilience. It was my emotional mind that paved the way to strengthening my rational logic defences.
I understand what you mean – for me the epiphany was when I felt my brain – literally – was slipping from any kind of focus- concentration, as it was inflamed by emotions and like if a jelly fish had entered my blowhole and had caused me to lose direction of me, of my life.
That moment I ran – that was after returning after my second escape.
I had decided to go back for specific reasons – thinking I was strong enough- no – slice by slice- events by events- gaslighting by gaslighting – triangulation by triangulation – my emotional ball grew and blew the day he really went over my fence.
So yes in a way I think my ET has helped me GOSO – but I know if I would have not had concurrently the knowledge I gained here and HG’s help , i would have been back a thousand time again .
Been 3 weeks now and still fill the aftermath of the storm in my brain – but it’s much clearer day by day .
Hi Omk,
I love the analogy you used there. I totally agree, knowing what he was, but needing tangible evidence helped for me go GOSO, alongside everything I have learnt from HG. A combination of knowledge and intuition really helped me. What I have learned from HG has been so valuable to me and fundamental in staying away from the narcissist.
I think as you have identified there would have been potential to slip otherwise.
My ET has taken me on a journey of learning, for that reason I don’t be think I would dampen it. But the rational mind and logic definitely has more control over it and can counteract it when it matters the most. And that is when I have even thought to make contact. What I have learned, and my experience itself is enough to stop that ever happening.
3 weeks NC is going to evolve and you will get stronger with each passing week. You can do this Omk, believe in you and what you know. Freedom both physically now and in the mind will come …
Quasi,
Once again you say a lot of what goes on in my head! May I ask you a question – How did interacting with him after you knew help you specifically?
I am struggling with this right now. I had a really bad day earlier this week (other issues in life were stressing me). This is typically a time when I would have called upon narc to make myself feel better. I had had a glass of wine…and I caved and texted him. So stupid. Six weeks down the drain. I am currently painted black post discard so his response was one word. I replied something sassy, which is typical of me. Within an hour of sending that response my logic had returned and I went back to block him….but he had already blocked me in that time frame. Now I’m really kicking myself because all he has to do is unblock ME and can text me anytime. I am now more vulnerable to hoover in the future. (insert palm to forehead emoji)
I have struggled with saying “No more contact, this is unhealthy” versus “Maybe just a few more conversations to prove all of this to myself”. I know this is part of the emotional battle of CHL vs ET – but I feel like a weakling because of it. Being weak is NOT something I am used to feeling in any area of my life. That, coupled with the fact that I don’t even NEED this relationship (I have my husband and children which are my priority), really makes me feel like a piece of shit.
My logic vessel needs work, praying that the hoover is a ways off to give myself time…
Hi supernova DE,
I’m going to try an cut my thinking to the core to be as honest as possible with you. Although I fear it is not a short answer…
I was in the same position as you, I am married with young children.
I met the narcissist at the very end of 2016, I was in a state of flux, I was in a strange place of unknowing. I didn’t know myself at the time, I had lost a lot of weight in 2016 and looked very different. Internally I was still an unattractive, blob.
On meeting and early on
My perspective- great friend
His perspective- I can get her in bed, I want to have sex with her, married target ! Exciting ! challenge!
Of course he did not let this be known for a few months, not until he was securely in my life and heart.
When he worked on me, scratching the surface, gaslighting, triangulation, silent treatment- my mind was like play doh….. so easy to manipulate.
Your question was how did it specifically help me to interact with him after I knew. ??
My answer is – because it was my emotional mind that cared deeply for him. It was my emotional mind that needed convincing. It was my emotional mind that needed whacking with a club! So my emotional mind needed to lead in a decision to make it see the truth behind my care for him.
Somehow I knew my emotional mind would always question any logic with feelings. If I let my emotional mind make a decision the impact would be greater for me.
Somehow I have learnt more from emotional lead decisions then any rational lead decision, when it came to the narcissist.
My rational mind was quite good but not strong enough to convince my emotional mind, especially not when with him in person.
Ever presence was fierce! He was in my head all day repeatedly, I was ridled with disgust for myself, guilt and yet a wanting to be near him, to know he was ok… proper messed up.
I knew what he was a month before I had sex with him ( this happened once and it was horrible)
In this time I was trying to stay away, I was not messaging him. But I wanted to … my rational mind was in charge, I had been researching, learning, analysing. But I still wanted to reach out ….
Away from him with only online contact / view of each other’s worlds I could do it, I could stop myself . But I was not convinced I could keep that up…
He had his aim, have sex with the married target. He was not going to give up on his aim. I knew this.
Fast forward to a night out with friends, he was out, I didn’t interact with him, I stayed with my friends group, I knew what he was. I left to go home early hours of the morning. – he followed me. He caught me on my own, he said I was rude for ignoring him, I tried to make light and placate him.
1 1/2 hour later I was in his bed,
Choosing to have sex with him was heavily guided by ET, pity plays and a lot of alcohol.
At this point I choose to go with emotional thinking and intuition. Rational mind had left the building in disgust!
My choice to go with ET in effect gave me the lesson which had the highest level of impact. My ET thought he must care, he must like me to want me this much.
That night and decision taught my ET the greatest lesson, it was painful, it was harsh, it was truth!
My rational mind could not convince my emotional mind without this lesson.
Now it had evidence, there were no what ifs or buts. There was facts. There were strong feelings linked to the facts. There was pain, there was a reality check.
The evidence I had plus what I have learned from HG and others helped me GOSO. It helped me to stop myself making contact since disengagement, that is 5 months now.
I have seen him in person twice since disengagement. The first time I remained present but did not interact, I struggled with guilt for This the next day but knew I was right to ignore him.
The second time was Sunday just gone, I walked into the place he was, noted he was there and walked right passed him and out the door.
It still affects me to see him but this time there was not guilt.
It is my belief that if I had not, followed my ET in my situation for that decision, I would still be struggling to an extent to control my ET in relation to him. I would have found it harder to convince it not to cave in.
I hope this makes sense, but This was specific to me and my situation.
From what you have said I can sense your disengaged at the moment. I wouldn’t recommend contact at all.
Please know that you are not weak, you are human, a human who cares and feels.
Weakness is a relative concept and very much about who is perceiving it. Some would say that to expose yourself to vulnerability is actually very brave. Putting yourself out there is brave, making the first step Is brave because you know the potential to be cut down and hurt. Would a coward hold themselves out for contact knowing they could be cut down? No they would not even try, too scared to even try.
The narcissist I knew was a coward, he hide behind his mask.
Supernova… you are right you do not need him, or that relationship. I’m sure you can still counter block his phone number.
And social media wise just keep an eye open and block if ever apparent that he has unblocked you again.
6 weeks is not wasted because you have still learnt from it. Beating yourself up lends itself to raising his power and reducing your own.
I would highly recomend looking at some brene brown stuff on you tube. And also stuff for you, a gratitude journal, daily affirmations, anything that helps you to reinforce your worth. Believe me I was and I’m still drenched in guilt, but I can also say I know my worth in spite of this.
The hoover is about him! How you respond or not is for you to decide lovely, do not give away your power ! Hold tight, you will get there. Ride the waves ….
Hi supernova DE,
I just thought a more succinct answer may be helpful. My first answer was a description of why I found it helpful to let ET lead on some decisions. But I would like to be more specific In relation to what you have advised about your situation now. ( hopefully you didn’t slip into a deep sleep through reading my first war and peace comment, and get through this one too.. )
In essence I found out what he was 4 months before he disengaged from me. The more I think about it that was possibly a corrective hoover gone wrong, as I did not respond. But still an end..
So I used ET to my advantage when still entangled.
If you are post discard/ disengagement then I wouldn’t recommend it with a view to have more conversations to prove it to yourself. If you look deep you probably have many experiences and moments with him that you can draw on to prove that he is toxic and no good for you.
As I stated in the last comment, please don’t beat yourself up for texting him, but learn from it, that is evidence, his response, your emotional reaction is evidence for your logic defences.
I think it’s important to work on dissolving the link your mind has formed between this man – and making yourself feel better..
It will always be about perspective, if you still have value linked to him, it will be tough batting back ET. But it can be done over time by devaluing him in your mind. If a positive memory comes to you try and counteract it immediately with recalling a negative one, his response to your message for example.. remind yourself of his darkness and not his fake light.
Where your focus is will either strengthen or reduce your power, if your attention and focus goes to him, and his so say power over you, and you are unkind to yourself, saying your weak etc, then that will increase his power in your mind.
If you choose to put your focus on you and your family now, self care and love, time and energy spent on you and them and not the narcissist, your power will strengthen and his will reduce as a result. We give them power when we give them our attention! Take your power back lovely… and remember that every cock up is a lesson, sometimes the ones that were more painful give us the greatest lessons as they have the biggest impact, with evidence for logical defences.
Good luck moving forward supernova, today is a new day! what has been is done, we can’t change that but you can decide how you respond to what may come…
Quasi,
Haha I did NOT fall asleep! Thank you so much for giving me so much thought and also I suppose I should thank HG for all the reading he does of our long posts at times!
I agree, it is about seizing back my power. I am a saviour super empath, and actually even until a few months ago, I never felt I had lost my power in this battle with him. I read in another thread here that “no one thrills a super like a narc,” and GOD is this true. He’s always been insecure, covering it up with swagger, wants to think he’s smarter than he is, prefers to be around people who make less money than him with less prestige, etc etc (typical mid ranger I guess) He’s always hated that I could see through his boasting, knew when he was lying – this was true from day one. He always hated that he couldn’t triangulate me with his wife…I didn’t want to be her, I just kinda wanted the c*ck (dirty empath at work over here) haha
My husband and I are so strong. He is a normal, maybe more on the narcissistic side of the spectrum, and therefor we balance each other so well. It is steady and right and true. But that midlife crisis thing is cliche and happens for a reason…because life gets boring and we resent it. Enter narc at the exact right/wrong moment…and three years later here I am. I can say with honesty that my husband desiring me is good and pleasant, but when narc desired me it felt euphoric. The chemical addiction they cultivate is real. I have known for quite some time that I was addicted to him…not that I had feelings for him or love for him, but that I was addicted. He knew this and would dangle the sex carrot and got himself tons of sympathy and pity and support about his life/work/wife from me.
All that I have just articulated, along with everything I have learned from this blog and HG, means I have a good understanding of all that happened. I can timeline it out, I can figure out why I received my devaluations etc. Intellectually I am out. Emotionally I am making strides. But like any addiction there are triggers, and I am not yet immune. I should recognize that this is a typical pattern when kicking a habit and be forgiving of myself.
I congratulate you Quasi on 5 months, that is fantastic. I think I’ll take it one week at a time, and celebrate the small victories.
Hi supernova DE,
Thank you for not nodding off! Lol..
I agree that I often think I write too much and HG Has quite a job going through them all in moderation. I’m thinking that I am going to try and Be more succinct, I’m hopeful that I will get better with this as time goes on, commenting on blogs is totally new to me, and I only participate in this one.
I think your on point with everything you have said, and I also commend your honesty. I think you sound like you have a lot of power back already and probably had it all along. I believe that if I was in a situation whereby I “wanted” the narcissist in the way you have described I would have struggled quite a lot. If the sex was good I would have been in trouble, if I loved him I would have been in trouble. So in that regard I would actually say your way ahead of me in strength and power … that is probably apart of being a super empath also.
Definitely one week a time a time, and victories at any level, acknowledge them and hold them as positive evidence that you can do this. I have absolute faith that you can do this NC and do it very well indeed….
I believe this is something I needed to read and will continue to read over and over
Wonderful idea and theme ! Thank you I really love how you wrote the explanation of When you know you go- you are right we need to read it again and again – so true how the emotional thinking is puppet mastering us to go back – to want to be hoovered – to want to be seduced – to want to think we can win by playing with someone who changes the rules all the time !
Great idea again !!
Thank you.