Further Confessions of a Narcissist

Further Confessions SolidFurther confessions from the dark-hearted narcissist.

Learn more about the world of HG Tudor and his background.

Why does he exhibit his attitude to money? What is his response to the question of your needs? Did he ever actually love you? What was that which he showed you during your dance with him? How does he know so quickly who will provide him with the most potent fuel? These questions and many others are answered in this unforgettable foray into the mind and behaviours of a narcissist.

 

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A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 37

 

A LETTER TO THENARCISSIST

Sweetheart,

Yes, this is what we called each other, since you are loath to use my name to my face. But I see you used it quite a bit, when either bragging to others about me, or smearing me while you explain that you don’t discuss that particular situation with me, since I become hysterical for no good reason whatsoever when it is brought up.

You see, I knew what you were the last time I left you. But I let you hoover me back into clutches. You used your pity plays, and appeals to my morals. You did treat me super good in comparison to how you did before. You also threw in some literal grovelling at my feet, since there was no one else around to witness this. You used your pretty, pretty words so much, I didn’t even object to your entitlement and control as you slowly tightened the leash around my neck again. See, your ID tag still hung there. That was most important to you, as when the arrows of truth were sent your way, you held me up as your shield of goodness and righteousness. After all, you must be wonderful to have had stayed married to such a kind, caring, generous, trusting, trustworthy, intelligent and loving wife. And after all, you were so willing to sign a contract just to be able to talk to me amicably about our impending divorce. But the divorce never happened since you were so good with words. And as for that contract, well, now I see your word and your words are truly empty. You had already broken that contract within 2 hours of signing it. Specifically the provision YOU insisted on; no lying. The second was no use of finances not agreed upon by both parties.

You seemed so happy to have me back, you announced to the world, (or really to those where you needed to have your “good” reputation intact) how happy we were to be back in each other’s loving arms where we belonged.

You smiled happily to my face where you once more held up the gilded mirror, replacing that ugly warped funhouse mirror you had been holding up to me for so long! Unfortunately, I let down my guard. “Really, he is so ill at this point. How much more harm could he possibly do?” It turns out there were so many “surprises” left for me. (Definition of surprise: presents left around the house by pets that you ignored when they danced around you begging to be let out. As in “The dog left you a surprise in the middle of the living room carpet.”) You seemed to be housebound, only able to go out for short whiles to take care of small errands. It was so kind of you to do your small share to lessen the load on me.         ”I know you are busy running our business, taking care of household chores, caring for me…blah,blah,blah.. I went to the pharmacy myself. It’s only 2 blocks away…” “You are so busy using up your energy on me, I will take care of the bookkeeping and the family finances.” Always said with a sad smile, a slight tone of disappointment, as if I were still not quite measuring up to your standards, but you would accept your fate with the good grace you suddenly seemed to have acquired.

When you received your terminal diagnosis, the mask really slipped again, as you railed against (y)our son and I, as if this thing happening to you was our fault. But we put up a united front, not cruelly, but firmly. We would be there for you, for whatever treatment was possible or desired. But you would not be allowed to abuse us for this to happen. And then we shored you up for your final performances. I made the medicine, you were sure would cure you, as I had for others before. Did you not have proof that it worked? I gave even more of my energy, and I actually got thanks and kudos from you! Very rare indeed! And you did your part, too, didn’t you? Your sneaky, underhanded machinations! Oh, how you called on all your supplies, oh woe! When asked how I will be faring without you, you told them all, ”Don’t worry about my Honey. She owns her home free and clear, and has been well provided for.”

But I’m not Honey; I’m Sweetheart.

And when that last text came, inviting you for one more command performance, you could no longer accept. And the jig would soon be up. So you had one more fit of frustration, threw the phone to the floor, and stomped on it, yelling “Why don’t they ever work right!!?” I had to replace it, to continue to work, to make the doctor’s appointments, for outside communication. And I sent yours to the repair.

You shockingly tried to strangle me in front of your current best friend, (you would have never let anyone see such behavior before) and he said, “It really is time for the hospice to be here round the clock, now. He would never act like this in his right mind. (Not that you would ever let anyone outside the family see, but friend wouldn’t know that) How long has it been since you slept?”

As you were literally rotting from the inside out, you called another friend to help bring you to Jesus. You cried and prayed with him, and when he had gone home, you unleashed your cruelest, sweetest lies. “I’ve never cheated on you!!” You and I both knew you had. 3 times. It turned out there were many, many more. “I have left you well off, there is $110,000 in ready assets. I have invested as you taught me, and I know with your smarts, you will be able to increase that substantially!” Last we had discussed our bigger financial picture, it was $500,000 and with the way it was going, we’d be able to retire comfortably, right on schedule. Not only was there no assets, you had even found someone to pretend to be me, so you could steal my separate assets, an actual felony! “You are the only woman I have ever loved, always, from the beginning, and now, and forever!” No, you only ever loved what you saw when you looked into the mirror of my face, and only when it matched your best estimate of yourself.

But I could not feel any grief at the loss of you. I had pity for you, and I kept my promise that you would not have to relive the nightmare of being abandoned alone in a hospital. I also felt guilt that I did not miss you, was not sorry you were gone. And I rejoiced that life, without you, was wonderful again.

But you found ways to try to ensure that I would pay. I owed you for not being perfect, whatever your definition of that, at the times of your judgments. I owed you for the privilege of carrying your name. I owed you for non sufficient worship of you. I owed you for letting me be main source of your supply. How sad! I just wanted you to be happy no matter who you were with. If I’m being truthful, though, I just wished one of them would keep your interest long enough for you to discard me.

But really, all these surprises were not that surprising. You did keep me searching for the assets for several months. And I was hurt and shocked when the call came from your “Daughter” wanting to know when her Dad died. That was the punishment for us both, since she was now a young adult who no longer worshiped her Daddy in the way and amount you demanded, and my punishment when the answer to your “hypothetical” question years before was not only would I not welcome and support any bastard you produced during our marriage, but that I would also leave. I have no idea what you and her mother would have told her about me. She seemed to think I would be happy to hear from her and learn about her existence. I told her if she wanted to keep that pretty picture of her dad, she should never contact me again.

How unfortunate that I gave your NAPSS (Honey) the means to blackmail you, she threatened you with the loss of your good Mommy and your easy income. But you didn’t lie to your relatives and friends much on this account. Yes, I had bought Honey and her family a home with no mortgage, new cars, and University educations. I didn’t have these things, but I see now that I could easily afford them if I still wanted them. The financial hellhole you left me in will eventually be remedied. Your now repaired phone and your burner phones have given me a lot of information. You have stolen my identity, my time, my love, my money, but the worst that you have done is that you have stolen my trust. You plucked the feathers from my Angel Wings till you thought I could no longer fly and that I’d be forced to immolate myself upon your funeral pyre.

You did not understand that I had not been an Angel for a very long time.

And I now have one of your very own kind on my side; an Elite, no less. He has given me the knowledge that I will need to go on with my life, and if I listen very carefully to him I will avoid your kind for the rest of my life. I will own myself, no one else; and I will let no one own me. Those tattered Angel Wings you last saw on me, have been replace by the wings of the Phoenix. I have been burned, but now I rise from the ashes, a new creature, better than before.

PS.   I am having so much fun without you…I went to a comedy club the other night, just by myself. When they were looking for a place for another woman arriving by herself, I offered to share my table. She said her boyfriend had to work late, she had come by herself. She asked if I was waiting for someone. I told her “No, I just came out to enjoy myself, my husband has just died recently, and I am getting back to the business of living.” “Oh, I’m so sorry!” she replied.

I told her “Don’t be. I’m not.”

Persephone

 

You Were Warned

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“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”

“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”

“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”

“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”

“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”

“To me you are.”

“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”

“Well I am.”

“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”

“What else?”

“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”

“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”

“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”

“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”

“How? By you?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”

“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”

“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”

“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”

“Yes we have haven’t we?”

“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”

“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”

“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”

“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”

“No?”

“No. We have both suffered previously.”

“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”

“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”

“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”

“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”

“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”

“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”

“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”

“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”

“That will never happen. You have me forever.”

“I hope so, I really do.”

“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”

“Okay, same again please.”

“Coming right up. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Listen to ‘You Were Warned’

How Could You?

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“How could you do this to me?”

“How could you sleep with my sister?”

“How could you just walk out on us like that and never even contact us for months?”

“How could you treat me like I didn’t exist?”

“How could you hit me when you say that you love me?”

“How could you get me into so much debt?”

“How could you stand by and let me suffer so badly?”

“How could you not see what you were doing?”

“How could you not understand what I was saying to you?”

“How could you tear us apart like this?”

“How could you say such awful, horrible things to me?”

“How could you? In our bed of all places?”

“How could you even look at yourself in the mirror after doing that?”

“How could you let me down in such a terrible way?”

“How could you destroy our family?”

“How could you not control yourself?”

“How could you do such a thing to your own children, for God’s sake?”

“How could you disappear like that?”

“How could you be so heartless?”

There is little doubt that you have asked one or more of the questions above, or a variation of those queries when dealing with our kind. Your question will have been asked in a heightened emotional state as your world collapsed and you struggled to comprehend that somebody could behave in such a manner. Nothing made sense anymore.

Everything you thought that you knew had been torn up, re-written and trampled into the dirt. Your alarm, confusion and distress were considerable and your bewilderment and sheer astonishment that a human being could do such things only served to make your position even worse.

Whatever was said or done. No matter how morally bereft, ethically bankrupt or socially unacceptable the act. No matter the level of depravity, the depths to which we sunk and the new low we achieved, you found yourself asking this question. No matter what you did, what you gave and what you gave often, it mattered not one iota because you were left asking this question.

Invariably you received no explanation. Denial and deflection ruled the day. Perhaps there was some mumbled explanation or even a demonstration of false contrition by way of a Preventative Hoover, but whatever our response will have been, it will not have given you the truth of how we could have done those things.

We are able to say those things and commit those acts for several reasons.

  1. Golden Period. You were given the golden period. You were either spared the worst of our behaviour for a time period (usually the Lesser) or you were given the whole glorious illusion of love, passion and dizzying elation. You received this and you embraced it willingly. There is a price that comes with such largesse you know and now you are paying it through us behaving in such a manner as that which has caused you such distress.
  2. Entitlement. Who are you to challenge what we have done? Who do you think you are questioning us as to how we could have done those things? We are entitled to do as we please, when and how we like and you have to deal with that. Someone as great as us gets to behave as he wants and you ought to know better than to challenge us about it.
  3. Necessity. All we do is as is required by necessity. Whether it was to gain fuel, to punish you, to remind you of your position, to reinforce our superiority, to preserve the façade and so many other potential reasons, what we do is necessary and if that results in suffering for you, then that is how it must be. Our needs matter. Yours do not.
  4. No accountability. Linked to our sense of entitlement there can be no penalty, sanction or reprimand for our actions. We are immune from punishment or consequence. We do not even have to explain ourselves and therefore this allows us to proceed as we deem appropriate.
  5. No awareness. The Lesser or Mid-Range will not even be aware that what they have done is wrong or offensive since their perspective of the world is different to yours.
  6. No admission. The Greater knows what has happened is considered to be wrong by you, not that he cares and furthermore neither will he admit as such. To do so would be a sign of weakness and hand an advantage to you.
  7. You deserve it. You don’t function as you should any more. You have gone rogue and let us down. Accordingly, our response was entirely merited by punishing you.
  8. No conscience. There is no downside, no guilt or remorse in doing what we did. Therefore, we are untroubled by the import of your allegations.
  9. Fuel. We need it. Accordingly, everything is in play and anything can be done to acquire it.

How could you not realise all of this?

No wonder we get sick of you.

Listen to ‘How Could You’

The 5 Fears of the Narcissist

5 FEARS

1. You will leave

You are our primary source of fuel, our life giver and without this precious fuel we are thrown into chaos, impending oblivion on the horizon. You signed an unwritten contract to supply us with potent and delicious fuel until we decide to the contrary. It is our decision. It is not yours. We know what we do to you, the repeated push and pull, the games, the abuse and whilst we rely on our significant powers of manipulation and your near indefatigable desire to heal, hang in there and make things work, there is always that slight doubt that perhaps this time we have gone too far? There is an iota of concern that this is the occasion where you put the pieces together and realise what you are dealing with and therefore you decide to escape us. Leaving us when we have not ensured your replacement is in place or that he or she is working to maximum efficiency places us in peril. If you leave our fuel supply has been fractured, maybe even cut off. If you leave you have wrested control away from us and this is not something that can ever countenance. If you leave you are telling us that we are not the superior being we maintain that we are,  you are pouring scorn on our might and undermining our magnificence.

2. I am ignored

There are those for whom the spotlight of attention causes them to flush with embarrassment, that searing heat which makes them feel uncomfortable. That is not the case for us. Its light brings us warmth and power. We need the spotlight like plants need the sun. We bask in its brilliant blazing light and revel in the attention that comes with it as we drink deep of the fuel that is provided. Should you ever move that spotlight away from us, the icy chill of the cruel and desolate world we have been placed in becomes all too real and this wounds us. The removal of the light of attention criticises us and strikes at our core. All eyes should be directed on us, ears should be pinned back in appreciative listening of our oratory, attention should be focused on us. It is about us, not you. Whether it is just you or I, a group of friends in a bar,a family gathering or in a meeting, everyone should know that we are there and they should be reacting to our presence. We do not care how that reaction comes so long as it is laden with emotion. If you ignore us you are telling us that we are worthless and that takes us to a place that we have consigned in the depths of our minds. Never ignore us, we cannot stand for that to happen.

3. I am exposed

Whether it is the unmasking of me as a narcissist or the revelation of my abusive machinations when you do not know fully what you have become entangled with, the fear of exposure lurks within us. Of course we will react and fight against it, of course we will deny, deflect and withdraw from your treacherous behaviour in telling the world what we are. We will paint you as a liar, a crazy person and a fantasist even though, for those of us who are aware enough, the words you issue are arrows of truth that rain down upon us tearing and wounding. Whether it is exposure in terms of you, as a primary source, telling us what we are or the wider unmasking to our carefully constructed façade, we fear this happening because it hurts us, it burns and it wounds. We will fight back, we will seek our retribution against you for this most heinous act but this requires precious energy which we would much rather use in a more productive way. In the worst of cases, your revelations force us to new hunting grounds which means we must re-build our twisted empire afresh. It will rise again but we would rather not endure the agony that this entails or the effort required.

4. I grow weary

I come as a god to walk this earth, a colossus astride this planet, leading and forging ahead as my massed ranks of admirers watch on in awe and wonder. I am omnipotent, immortal and unstoppable, my power endless as I seduce, abuse and recycle. There is so much fuel to drink up and I will never stop. Yet, occasionally that scintilla of concern manifests. What if I were to lose my powers? What if the ability to seduce started to wane? What if I lost the appetite to abuse and slay? What if I said the unsayable and admitted that I am tired of this endless routine? What if I no longer had the hunger or desire to stalk my hunting grounds and wanted an end? What if I wanted to remove my demagogue’s crown and vacate the throne, my appetite diminished and senses dulled? What would I do then? I soon shake off these terrible considerations but they remain in the shadows, occasionally calling to me. I dispel them as quickly as the manifest but still they come every once in a while.

5. The creature escapes

What if as a consequence of all the above I can no longer keep the craven creature within the prison that I have constructed for it? What if one day it is able to breach the walls and emerge from the depths of is incarceration so that it surfaces, hissing and tormenting me, its once whispered threats becoming a reality. What if it takes me to the edge of the abyss and forces me to look into the great void, oblivion just a step away, the howling winds of desolation whipping around me. Sometimes and it is a rare occurrence, but when all is still and dark this thought forms in my vast mind, this awful, terrible thought as I feel the craven creature’s clawed hand against my back, ready to shove me over the edge……..

Listen to ‘The 5 Fears of the Narcissist’

Searching

SEARCHING

You spend your time searching. Searching for the one who will fulfil that desire of complete happiness, the one who will be your match, the one who accords with being the soulmate, the one who completes you, the ying to your yang, the one who makes everything alright again. The one who will wipe away those tears of sadness and bring to you the tears of joy and elation. The one who will always be there, come hell or high water. The one who creates that world that you have always craved. The one who chases away the shadows and keeps the wolf from the door. The one who loves you for what you are and does not seek to change you. You search for the one who wants to be with you but will not complain when there is enforced absence. The one who never forgets the important milestones in your lives but never remembers the times when matters do not quite go to plan. The one who will ensure your memories live on in the raising of others. The one who will not turn from you but will lift you up and rely on you also. The one who will take your hand and hold it tight no matter what storms come your way. The one who wakes with you and smiles that special smile. The one who lays their lips against yours as the day ends and night engulfs the land. The one who knows you inside out and cherishes everything you have to offer the world. The one who understands you and wants to understand you. The one who embraces your flaws and imperfections and does not use them against you. The one who looks into your eyes and desires what they see there. The one who will not judge you, will not hold your errors against you but who will hold you as the world may collapse around you and the one who will say your name with their dying breath.

You spend your time searching for a sign. An indicator that will give you the answers. Something on which you can hang hope, that imposter, in order to solve the mystery that you are now faced with. Something that will enable you to unravel the puzzle that has emerged every day and has your mind twisted, thoughts stretched and contorted. You are searching for the truth, your slavish devotion to such a concept is honourable indeed and you must find that truth and hold it high for all to see. You must locate it and raise it up above to ensure that everybody knows of it. You must find the solution, you must identify the panacea that shall cure all these ills, for you are a fixer, a solver, a healer. You search and search for explanation, enlightenment and elucidation. You are hunting high and low for the reason to something which seems unfathomable. Your search will lead you into dead ends, frustrating cul-de-sacs and along treacherous and perilous routes where your bewilderment is only heightened. Your search for clarity amongst the confusion appears to be never-ending. You may be blessed with an indefatigable spirit which enables you to carry way beyond the endurance of others as this search continues. There are clues, but they dance away from you like an elusive will o the wisp, leaving you blundering after it, as you are led further into the quagmire of disturbing befuddlement.

You search for the antidote to the pain that engulfs you each and every day. Some salve to soothe your fevered brow, a medicine that will numb the pain and bring the cure. You search for an end to the hurt. An end to the misery that sweeps about you, its chains heavy and rusting, making you stoop and cutting you to the core. Dragging you down with its hatred, the horror and the malevolence so you fall to your knees. You crawl across the barren land, hands pricked from the thorns that grow across your path as wearied and beaten down you drive yourself on searching for a way out. You sob with frustration as your draining journey reveals that you have gone around in a circle and you stare with disbelieving eyes at your own handprints in the dust, realisation crashing into you that your endeavours have all been for naught. You search for the Holy Grail that will grant you release from this torture, the answer to every question which gnaws at your terrified mind, the oil that will calm the troubled waters allowing your passage across the emotional sea to become easier allowing you to reach the promised land. You search for the key which will unlock the huge gate that looms over you, the opening of the portal that will enable you to escape this horror which surrounds you and has become woven into the tapestry of your every day. You search and search, fooled by the charlatans that offer respite only to whisk it away at the last moment, wrenching it from your grasp. You search and search for a way out of the nightmare, idiots and clowns suggesting they have the route mapped out for you, but they know little or nothing, well-intentioned or otherwise they are not the ones who will be able to end your search. You search and search for the final destination that will finally grant you release. There are options which may bring this horror show to an end, the dropping of the final curtain but whilst you contemplate that, deep within you there is that will to overcome what torments you and to avoid failing and seeking that alternative exit. That way is not for you. You must conclude your search. You must achieve it and as that truth seeker your search continues. You wish to reach the end and it is an end which gives you the absolute truth, the clearest of answers which thus enables you to seize the power to create that which serves your needs once again. The answers that will sweep aside the darkness and enable you to step into the light once more, a champion of perseverance and a titan of determination.

So, day after day after day, you search.

Your search ends here.

The Holy Grail teaches you deliverance over ruin.

Beautiful and Barbaric

 

The narcissist appears like an angel masking the malicious devilment that lies beneath. Becoming entangled in the grip of a narcissist is first a world of beauty and then one of barbaric horror. Straight from the mind of the narcissist comes this journey through the wonderful and the bewildering as you are granted direct access to the way that the narcissist behaves and thinks. To deal with the narcissist and recover from his or her malign influence requires the ability to understand the way he or she acts and thinks. This book will enable you to do both as you delve into the beautiful and barbaric world of the narcissist.

US e-book here

UK e-book here

CAN e-book here

AUS e-book here

A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 36

A LETTER TO THENARCISSIST-MOI'S LETTER

Dear T-

I remember when we first met.  You were a scruffy 11 year old on the school bus, I was 14 and selling candy for the band.  You wanted me to give you candy for free.  I remember seeing into your soul and thinking how much we were alike.  Both from dysfunctional families, both children of narcs, both desperately needy for someone to love us.
I remember how horrible your home life was.  How needy all your brothers and sisters looked and acted.  How your worn out mother had a string of loser husbands, how the last one locked himself in the bathroom with a gun threatening to kill himself if she wouldn’t take him back.  I remember offering your mother to let you live with me and her giving me custody of you when I was only 18 and single, so you could have some stability in your life.
I remember how completely impractical and silly you were, how we all laughed at your questions and observations.  I remember thinking how you and reality didn’t know each other, how stupid you were but thought you were so smart.  Like when you gave me a pot plant for my birthday, thinking I would raise it for you in ignorance, then your complete shock when I knew what it was.  I remember how sad it made me when I realized you were a narcissist and there was nothing I could do but watch you use people and lie.
I remember how horrified I was when I heard how you had abandoned your two little girls in a commune in Wisconsin.  How the only way their father found them was because the 8 year old knew his number and called him.  I remember how pathetically eager they were to come with me for weeks at a time, how sweet and strong they both were, how eager for knowledge and opportunities to learn.
I remember my shock when your now grown girls explained to me why you hated me and refused to see me, because you resented that I had done so much for them over the years and that they loved me more than they loved you.  I remember how sad it made me feel to hear that they had cut you out of their lives and how they were determined to never marry or have children of their own because of your example.
I remember the last time I saw you, just a couple years ago. How we met for coffee at a Bosnian restaurant and you told me all about your life now and tried to make it sound good.  How as you told me what all you were doing, I sat there looking at you thinking how everything you ever did was really just selfishly using the few people in your life who cared about you.  How we all saw you for what you really are and put up with you as a charity, but you were totally unaware of what we think.  How you still lived in a pretend world of your imagination like you did when you were that 11 year old girl I met all those years ago.  I remember seeing into your soul and thinking how much we are so different.
With love always,
Moi