The Narcissist and U-Turns

 

THE NARCISSISTANDU-TURNS

 

Contradictions. About turns. Doing one thing and meaning another. Those are staple ingredients in becoming entangled with our type. Of course the Lesser and the Mid-Range of our kind do not see the contradictions. To them, their behaviour makes absolute sense even though when it is viewed from your perspective there is a clear contradiction in what has been said or done. This naturally frustrates, upsets and infuriates you as you attempt to make us see that you are correct and we are not. Or to make us see that we have behaved in a contradictory or hypocritical fashion. You will not succeed. The Lesser or the Mid-Range does not do this deliberately, it is just how they are. The Lesser reacts. The Mid-Range realises that denying and deflecting what you are trying to get him to see causes more upset and frustration and that makes him feel good. He does not know why this is, he does not know the concept of fuel, but he knows the more you react the better he feels. He also knows that he does not like to be held to account or to be seen to be the one who is to blame, for anything, thus he will not accept any suggestion of contradictory behaviour because it is inherent with such an accusation that there is blame attached. The Greater knows that to twist, to turn, to shift and to alter allows the emotional responses to flow and to become heightened. He knows that what he does is viewed as contradictory but he will not accept it. He must portray control and superiority at all times otherwise he will find himself damned. He revels in switching from one position to the other, within moments and then seeing if you dare to point out this shift in stance. Should you do so, he will deny and deflect in order to frustrate you, to upset you and to alarm you.

The use of volte faces is part of the process of gas lighting also. An insidious and effective method of controlling you, eroding your sense of perspective and forcing you ever backwards until ultimately you know nothing other than our warped truth, yours having been dispelled some time ago. Making you a stranger to your own reason is evidence both of our power and our abusive behaviour. Thus the use of contradictory behaviour, the volte face, is prevalent when we commence the devaluation. Here are five you may know well.

  1. The Joy Has Gone

We once showed such enthusiasm for Indian cuisine and would often try to find the latest and most exciting restaurant for us to both go to. It might have been the zealous delight we exhibited at the prospect of going hill-walking with you, or discussing the latest production at the local theatre. You loved how we connected over these shared interests. Of course it was all mirroring. We love what you love. Now there is no need to do it anymore. We care little for Indian cuisine but since you loved it so much, we decided to do so as well. Hill walking is tedious. The only thing we liked was being on top of the world. As for the theatre, if we have to sit through another obscure play we will explode. Still it was worth making you think we loved all those things as it made you easier to bind to us. Keep listing everything you think we have in common and I will pick that list down to nothing.

  1. The Compliments End

I embedded you as the supply of my positive fuel and you functioned well so you earned those further compliments. Now there is no need to provide them. Oh I am aware that you look even better than you did when we first met, that you are trying hard to tease the compliments for me in order to try to stave off that nagging fear that you are losing me, but it is to no avail. I know you are trying your best to please me, accommodate what I want but all I now look at is someone who irritates me. You see, if I had loved you like someone healthy, I would not feel like this now, but because I never did, there is nothing to prevent the feeling of contempt and annoyance which washes over me each time I see you. But where are the compliments? Somebody else has them now.

  1. A Sudden Realisation

Do you know something, I love my ex. I do. You have made me realise this. I thought I did not know what love was until I met you (I vaguely remember saying something like this to you some time ago) but come to think of it, I knew all along and it is my ex that I love. Not you. Thanks for the distraction whilst I worked things out. What? I said she was abusive and a psycho? No I did not. There you are, you have just proved to me why I cannot love someone like you. Good bye.

  1. But You Thought I Hated That

Why have I gone to that classical concert when I said to you that I could not stand classical music. I don’t recall saying that. Stop trying to tell me what I like and do not like. You are so controlling. I have always enjoyed reading books, where on earth did you get the idea from that I did not. Yes, I love strawberries, they are delicious and I love eating them, I never told you I was allergic to them. Stop making things up. You need some help. You keep twisting things around and I don’t like. it There you are. That is something I hate. What you do.

  1. The Sudden Complaints

Must we really go to your parents this weekend? So what if I have never complained about it before? That doesn’t matter. I am doing so now because I want to isolate you from them. I suspect they do not like me and I am not going to let them put ideas in your head, so they have gone on the black list and I will now issue complaints about seeing them in order to drive a wedge between you and them. The more isolated you become the better. I will start to complain regularly in order to stop you doing things and in order to upset you. That is the way I operate now. Don’t you dare complain about it.

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Minions of Darkness

MINIONS OF DARKNESS

We never act alone. All through your entanglement with us we will utilise the services and dedication of those who are loyal to us. Before we have even spoken to you we will be compiling a dossier of information about you by contacting those who know you. We will utilise our lieutenants to approach you and gather intelligence which will all be passed back to us for the purpose of analysis and subsequent application. Once our seduction of you has begun you will be taken in by my butterflies. The butterflies are those who do my bidding and they always do, who always appear and please you. Like a beautiful butterfly he or she will flutter around you, making you smile with his or her pleasantries, charm and general goodness. Like a butterfly with striking colours and that delicate movement they have been sent to enchant you on my behalf and alongside my own endeavours. My butterflies will only ever say pleasant things to you, repeating and consolidating the charming words which I have sent your way. They will flutter around you complimenting the things that you dp, how you look and who you are. They will remark what a wonderful couple we are together and how they can see it lasting forever. Primed with all the speeches, sentences and rhetoric that we use, these butterflies will remind you of all our magnificent attributes and thus reinforce how fortunate you are to be with someone like us. They will point out how happy you are and confirm that you make us happy too, far happier than that other harpy that came before you. You must watch out for her by the way, she is a trouble maker and will want to split you and us up. These butterflies will primarily be friends of ours but over time we will want to recruit your own friends and family to be our butterflies as well. Not only is such a recruitment a massive boost to our egos, it also means that there will be added credibility when they fly around you issuing their compliments about us both. When you are told time and time again how wonderful you are, how sensational we are and how magnificent we are together, any doubts that you may have had, any degree of modesty about such over compliments will soon melt away as the array of fluttering butterflies transfixes you.

Real butterflies only live for somewhere between one and five weeks and like their real-life counterparts my butterflies have a limited shelf life as well. This of course is down to you because as usual you always end up spoiling everything. If you maintained my interest and ensured that the high-grade, positive fuel you have supplied for the last year or so was maintained then my butterflies would have continued but your fuel diminishes, it turns stale and is not at the required level we demand. Accordingly, the selfishness you exhibit in behaving in this manner causes those beautiful and mesmerising butterflies to fade away. Your lack of loyalty and treachery means that these beautiful creatures become replaced by my crows.

Noisy, dark and petulant my crows will descend on you as I commence my devaluation of you. Remember you have brought this on yourself so you cannot expect any sympathy from my dark minions who have been recruited, brainwashed and controlled in order to further my own malevolent ambitions. My crows act at my command as they, like you, relish any opportunity to gain my favour and attention. Like some medieval king I will grant them access to me and allowing the crow to bask in my radiant brilliance secures their loyalty. Like the butterflies my crows come from my ranks of friends and family but once again I shall seek to corrupt those from your support networks so that they might first appear as a butterfly before transforming into a squawking and mocking crow. It is even the case that some of my cast-offs, desperate to remain around me and be subjected to my wonderful largesse are recruited as my minions. Thinking that they will win my favour and more importantly keep you from it, they readily agree to carry out my will. Some of my minions do not realise that they have been manipulated into doing what I want. Instead they carry out my instructions in an oblivious fashion. Others are well aware that they act as my agents of destruction but they revel in this role. Their loyalty is without question. I have flattered and charmed them as I did with you. They recognise you as the enemy who has sort to usurp their king and therefore you must be destroyed. No wonder the collective noun for  crows is a murder.

My crows are unleashed to perpetuate the devaluation against you. My dark minions come forth in order to do my bidding. The crows flap around you, their dark wings making it difficult for you to see clearly. Their incessant squawking fills your ears as they scold you for your treason. My crows move quickly, announcing to your support network the terrible way you have behaved and before they can be struck down they fly away to flap around you once more, their cacophony of insults swirling about you. This near constant noise of insult and vitriol has all been fed to them by me. Like dark messengers they repeatedly assail you with their name calling and lies, making you anxious as you are under sustained attack. You try and swipe them to one side but they merely dodge your attempts and continue to mock you. As you grow weaker from these repeated assaults they fly closer and then begin to peck at you. Just as we control you through our notorious salami-slicing techniques this pecking from my crows steadily erodes your confidence, your self-esteem, your self-worth and your identity. The crows land on your shoulder and with vicious beaks peck away something more of you as you try to fight them off but the weakness that has gripped you makes this difficult. More crows come, ordered by me to continue this campaign against you. The deployment of my dark minions saves me energy and allows me to create my butterflies for my new target whilst you lie there curled up in a ball, the dark crows hopping over you, twisted beaks pecking at you, weakening you further. Those in my coterie, my lieutenants, my agents of darkness provide a fundamental role in both my seduction and devaluation of you. I cannot succeed without them and will always ensure that I have both a box of butterflies to open for you and a tree full of black crows waiting to attack you. Perhaps you need to find a scarecrow?

Twisted

 

TWISTED-2

How could you be so twisted? I gave you absolutely everything. I opened my heart to you and gave you a perfect love which is beyond compare. I let you in to my world and shared everything with you. Nothing was kept from you. I knew that you were the one, the one person who amidst all the treachery and deceit in this cruel, harsh world who would take care of me. I recognised that you would shield me and protect me from the perfidious foes that lurked seeking to destroy me. I gave you everything that I had. I poured my love into our relationship, investing in it because I knew that this time it was my soul mate who stood before me. You made me so happy because you knew what I needed. You gave me what I wanted and also what I needed and you lifted me heavenwards with that beautiful brand of love that only you can possess. Our relationship was built on the firmest of foundations and promised a glittering and marvellous future. We had so much in common. You liked what I liked and I liked what you liked. So many times I would remark to my friends that it was such serendipity that we had found one another. There is so much hurt in the world, so much darkness beyond the front door and we found one another, two shining lights that when combined we burned brightly and brilliantly.

Nobody made me feel the way you did. At times, eloquent and articulate as I am, I struggled to find the words to convey what you did for me. Your selflessness and devotion were breath-taking and naturally I reciprocated. I put you first. From the moment I rose until the moment I let slumber take me, I had you and only you in my thoughts. As our mighty empire grew around us, I planned for us both. I looked forward and constructed a happy, fulfilling and most of all loving future for us both. We had no need to look back at the past. We had both been hurt by those who acted to their own agendas. I suppose that is why we found such a need in one another and one that we could both address. It was as if we had been cut from the same cloth. Two pieces of a fabulous and stunning garment that just needed to be stitched together and once combined cloaked us in magnificence. Our brilliance was never ostentatious. Most definitely other people would look upon us and comment as to our satisfaction, but not smugness. People would remark about how happy we looked and they were genuinely delighted for us, there was no envy in their words or expressions. We had it all. We had found one another and I believed in you, I believed in us. I gave every ounce of my being to you in order to ensure that what we had did not crumble to dust. I strained every sinew, fired every synapse and poured my very essence into us. I could not have given more of myself to you. From the material to the ethereal I ensured it was all directed onto you in order to ensure you knew how deep and perfect my love for you was and is. I melded with you, combined, conjoined and became one because I knew. I knew with a certainty that I had never met before that this time, this time I had found my angel, my muse, my protector and my soul mate. Such was the treasured nature of this find that I knew I had to do everything in my power to maintain that you and I remained as one. There was no hope for anything else. I could never do anything to hurt or harm you and thus spoil this most precious union. Every waking moment was dedicated to preserving our special relationship. Each word, each act and each thought revolved around the concept of us and I wanted more than any desire that I have ever known to keep us together.

Yet you destroyed that. How could you? How could you render into the dirt and ashes what we had? How could you betray me so viciously? How could you twist what we had built together so that it was no longer recognisable? A warped and corrupted image of what had been so magnificent, so perfect and what I thought was so impregnable. You perverted our creation, the poison which flowed so readily and alarmed me with the speed by which you were able to summon it. The toxicity which clouded my vision, stinging my eyes, filling my nose and mouth as I choked on the malevolent fumes. Where did this come from? I had never seen this about you. In all the time we spent together, and we spent a lot of time together, not once did I see anything that would indicate that beneath your beauty and your tenderness lay this vast repository of hatred and malice. How could you be so twisted as to unleash all of this against me after everything that I had done for you, after everything I had done for us? It makes no sense. There is no logic in what you did, no rationale for taking what we had and then rending it apart, pouring acid upon it so it melted into awful shapes, searing it with flame so that it bubbled, cracked and split becoming something terrible and fearsome. So many times I have asked myself why did you do this? We had the world beneath us and then for some incomprehensible reason you wrapped your hands around it and began to dismantle and destroy it. No sane individual would do this would they? Only someone sick would act this way. Someone who has something very wrong with them would let me down in this way, after giving and promising so much, to then cast it all asunder. A twisted and hateful game is what you made the concept of us become and your warped actions have exacted a severe cost to my well-being. You have tried to break and destroy me. Why did you do this after all that I have given you, after everything I have done, after all the love, affection and dedication that I have shown to you? Only someone twisted could behave this way.

Do I speak these words or am I hearing them? Perhaps I speak them as they are spoken to me as I look into the mirror? Are these my words, your words or do they belong to both of us?

 

Fury

Why does he lash out at you, abuse, assault and insult?

Why do you get ignored and cold-shouldered?

Why does he walk off and disappear?

Here is the answer.

By understanding fury, what causes it and what purpose it serves you will unlock a fundamental element of the narcissistic dynamic.

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ALSO AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK

 

 

A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 66

 

JIMMY LETTER

I don’t know what to say. Because, in all honesty, I don’t know who you are. I have spent the last year educating myself and healing myself from my experience with you. It has been both incredibly painful, yet equally rewarding to heal from abuse. At a certain point, my education into what you are had to cease, and the recovery process needed all of my focus.

I do forgive you. I understand that your disorder drives you to do the things you do, even though they are plotted, premeditated, planned, and executed with your cognizant awareness from right and wrong and your understanding of your betrayals and manipulations, I do understand that you cannot control it. Therefore I cannot judge the afflicted, just as we cannot blame the crippled for being unable to walk.
I forgive myself as well. Although anything a victim has to do in order to survive abuse is forgivable, I do have a responsibility in enabling your abuse. There were moments very early on where I knew you weren’t being true to me and I, as a classic/textbook codependent, stayed in the hopes that you would change. It was only until very recently that I accepted your disorder as maladaptive. I absolutely did everything I could to change it, and for that ignorance, I am guilty.
The releasing of my resentment towards you is where I am at in my healing process, and forgiveness is necessary in order for me to move on. I have been holding onto the resentments that come after being so betrayed and for so very long – since Day One, actually. And this too was designed by you. To leave someone so utterly devastated and continue to abuse is a common manifestation in the discard phase of your disorder. Learning more of your betrayals after your departure was simply adding insult to deep injuries. So, obviously, healing from such abuse, both during and after, is a huge mountain to climb.
I also know these words mean nothing to you. My forgiveness, my compassion…in terms of your receiving these sentiments, is irrelevant to you. I understand that you have deleted me from your life. These words aren’t really for you. They are for me. You have my forgiveness. I can never forget, nor will I ever. I will certainly stay as far away as I can from you, no matter where I am, but I will forever remain vigilant with very strict boundaries and a zero-tolerance policy for your abuse, or your abuse by proxy – the people in your life.
The recovery from abuse exposed myself to some very real issues of codependency I am working through. So thank you. In a twisted sort of way, recovering from your abuse made me a better person than I ever was…and certainly no one you, or anyone in your world, has the fortitude to have the pleasure and honor of being in my life. So please do not try. We have a history of making threats to each other, so I am breaking that cycle and appealing to your common senses. We have nothing to say to each other. You (who you are) never truly existed in my world and so, you cannot exist in it now. Please do not attempt to further contact me. What we had was a charade. It was a mind-fuck of epic proportions to un-fuck, and the effort in doing so was equally epic. We never had anything before – we will have nothing now or in the future.
I never had you, so there is no loss. You truly had me, I was devotedly yours.  And that’s what you lost.
I understand your torment much more and I truly hope you find peace.

The Greater Narcissist

 

the-greater

This is a Greater Narcissist. There is much to write about the Greater, but for now, a snapshot shall have to suffice. We have met Lee the Lesser and Malcolm the Mid-Ranger. There are lots of Lees and Malcolms. Lots of them. In fact most people who have ascertained that they have been ensnared by a narcissist will have entangled with either a Lee or a Malcolm. This is Greg, Greg the Greater, a rare beast indeed.

“Hello, what was that?” asks Greg.

“Hello Greg, I was just explaining that you are a rare beast indeed.”

“Oh completely, how good of you to notice and may I say just how delightful you look today, you have done something different with your hair haven’t you, it really suits.”

I cannot help but smile and look pleased at this remark. I know I shouldn’t but this is the problem with the Greater, they are ever so charming and before you know what has happened one has given them some fuel, told them something they wanted to hear or agreed to do what they want.

The Greater exhibits considerable charm. Charm is one of his prevalent weapons. With the Lesser it is raw aggression, with the Mid-Ranger it is the ability to draw sympathy, but with the Greater he uses charm to achieve what he wants.

His charm manifests in many ways. Courteous, polite, amusing, well-read, urbane, complimentary and attentive. But this charm is a combination of considerable intelligence, confidence and planning. Out of all of the three schools of narcissist, the Greater knows the benefit of planning and scheming. He is always gathering information, storing it away, logging it for later or immediate use.

“You are the master at gathering information aren’t you Greg?”

“How very kind of you to say so and I cannot deny that,” he responds with that slow and engaging smile of his. See how he holds my gaze, boring deep inside of me? Of course he is just reflecting back at me what I want to see, after all, he is an expert in the art of seduction. He is an expert in most things, he has to be, the world cannot be afforded any glimpse of weakness, any hint of the loss of his control. He must project an image of success at all times.

Greg knows that the foundation of his success lies in planning and preparation.

“Greg, what is your view about preparation?” I ask.

“Every battle is won before it is ever fought,” he responds in a matter of fact. He is deadly serious. To him, every engagement in his life is a form of battle. Every person he interacts with, every situation he faces, every scenario he is engaged in – all of them are battles and he has to win every one. Even if he appears to lose, he will have allowed that to happen for the sake of a future win.

Greg knows that to forge his rightful and entitle path through life he must secure these victories and win. He does so by ensuring he knows his enemy. Everybody qualifies to be an enemy because the Greater knows that the world is against him and if he gives any quarter, this cruel and heartless world will seek to topple him. He may be a Greater but the wariness and paranoia applicable to all narcissists is just as applicable to him. Greg understands that he has to know who he is dealing with and this means gathering intelligence.

By the way, than unflinching stare has remained focussed on me. The attention from this handsome individual is both unnerving yet oddly engaging. He uses his eyes a lot. Do not think however that when he is staring at you, mirroring your own desires, so you become trapped like a deer in the headlights that this is all he is doing. No, not at all. He is evaluating, considering his next move, what to say next, gauging how I will respond. The Greater’s mind is always whirring, thinking about the next move, ascertaining how to seize the most appropriate advantage. Normal people would find it exhausting but not the Greater for he, among all of the narcissistic brethren has the greater energy levels. This of course means he has the highest demands for fuel but he is also the most effective at gathering this fuel. This effectiveness manifests in two ways. The first is the methodology applied and the second is the range of appliances at his disposal.

The Greater has the widest range of manipulations at his disposal. He is well-practised and able to match, with considerable accuracy, the best forms of manipulation to his victims. Of course he relies on understanding his appliances, knowing what they like and dislike in detail and achieves this through extensive information gathering through his own questions, the use of Lieutenants, conducting background searches and so on. He has had many victims and therefore knows how certain types of person are likely to respond to certain manipulations. Admittedly, he will not get is right every single time, but his error rate is very low indeed. His effectiveness is heightened through how driven he is. He must succeed, be the best, be the sparkling diamond at the centre of the crown. Leader in his field. Champion. Conqueror.

Like a master artisan, he selects only the finest materials (victims) on which to work and then he applies his deft touch through carried manipulations from his Devil’s Toolkit. All of this is done enveloped in charm. He has people do things because they want his praise, his approval, his largesse, his friendship and is love.

The Greater also has extensive fuel networks on which he relies. Unlike the Lesser who has a narrow fuel base or the Mid-Ranger who has a wider one with numerous appliances, the Greater has an extensive and impressive network. Let’s find our more from Greg.

“Hey Greg, who is warming your bed at present?”

“Why are you interested?” he asks as he places a hand gentle on my arm.

“Oh this is professional purposes only, “ I respond trying to rebuff him, but the hand remains unmoved. He is confident and assured.

“I am ever the professional.”

“I am sure that is the case, but tell me, who is on the arm of Greg?”

“I have a girlfriend at present.”

“Just the one?”

“Yes, but there are others, certain ladies who know me well who I can call on if I need to.”

Those are his intimate partner secondary sources, his friends with benefits and booty calls.

“How many?”

“Four,” he replies without hesitation.

“What about your friends?”

“I have six guys I regularly knock around with, plus two good female friends.”

Those are his inner circle.

“Then maybe another twenty or so people I know well through golf, football, the pub, you know, I see them every so often.”

Those are his outer circle. More secondary appliances.

“What about work and family Greg?”

“Well I head up a department at work so I have a team of eight working for me and I am on good terms with the other directors.”

More secondary sources there through colleagues.

I let him continue as he explains how he is well regarded by his family (more secondary sources), his neighbours, people in his community, the people he knows through a charity he is a trustee of (lots of tertiary sources). His network of fuel appliances is vast and he can rely on it regularly to ensure that his considerable fuel needs are catered for. It is rare to find a Greater running short of fuel.

The Greater knows what he is. His higher cognitive function allows him an awareness. He may know that he is a narcissist, since it has been pointed out to him and his increased cognitive function means he can understand and relate to it. Of course, he knows not to admit this to anybody, unless he sees a distinct advantage in doing so. In some instances he may not know that he is a narcissist but he certainly knows that he is different from other people. He knows he is special, talented and destined for continued greatness. He knows that it is necessary for him to control his environment and people, for if he does not do so, he feels weakness gnawing at him, unease and the threat of the loss of his superiority. He knows that he must maintain this edifice that he has built and this is done through having people react to him. He may not know it as fuel, but he knows how important it is for people to respond to him. He knows he must receive admiration and anger, love and loathing, adoration and abhorrence. These power him and allow him to achieve the things he knows he is entitled to. He recognises he does wrong, but does not care. He knows he has no conscience, no sense of guilt, he knows he has a reduced emotional repertoire because from years of observing and listening – as opposed to just doing as the Lesser and Mid-Ranger does – he has learned what he does not feel, not that it concerns him in any way.

Greg knows that charm, manipulation and persuasion are they key attributes to staying number one and having people do as he wants. He wants to own people, make them his, subsume them into him and he understands why this must happen, because it makes him all the more powerful, all the more effective and all the more able to keep his creature locked away and never heard. Greg knows that his Machiavellian nature, his duplicitous nature and slavish devotion to the doctrine of the ends always justifying the means, results in him staying on top of the pile. He is proud of his orchestrations, his status as Supreme Puppet Master. He knows that people are there to do his bidding, to be moved where he wants them to go, to carry out his wishes and best of all, they often do not even realise that they are doing it.

Of course, Greg is no fool and understands that when the velvety caress of his subtle manipulations is not working, then the iron fist must be deployed. He has no reluctance to dole out his innate wickedness. He will ensure that this is either done through a proxy or if it must be by his hand, then he will reduce the risk of retribution and consequence to him. He evaluates. When that apparently loving gaze becomes the inky dark stare of malice, the whirring mind is plotting to ensure a most malevolent outcome for those that cross him. Whilst the Lesser and the Mid-Ranger will act with malice, theirs is nothing to the concentrated vitriol that the Greater possesses and will unleash when he deems it appropriate. This is another factor which sets him apart from his brethren ; the sheer evil that he is capable of and that will be readily applied in order to preserve his position.

The Greater will pursue for longer, hoover harder, use more energy, charm more fiercely, devalue with scathing intensity and channelling the vast amount of fuel he can draw on from the extensive fuel network, this powers this effective machine as he achieves his machinations. The Greater calculates the impact of his words, either to seduce or to devalue. He assesses the likely responses of those he wishes to control and the likely benefit for him. For him there can be no end, the games must always continue and he must always be wining and be seen to be winning.

The Greater may often be hard to detect because he is most capable of exhibiting cognitive empathy. He has studied and knows how to mimic with considerable conviction, but this is not a perfected art. He will be prone to those pauses when he is ascertaining his best response and that sudden frozen look will appear, albeit momentarily. The Greater is also hard to detect because he will engage in what appear to be good works. The Lesser is self-centred in a brutal and demanding manner, the Mid-Ranger is self-centred in a sulky, feel-sorry-for-me style but the Greater, well the Greater will show generosity, be charitable and appear to exhibit kindness. He will hold positions of authority, trust and responsibility. They are put part of the carefully constructed façade on which he relies more than any other type of narcissist. He builds this façade, cements it and uses it repeatedly. His apparent good works are but a veneer of respectability which are either:-

 

1.      Committed because there will be a distinct gain arising from this act in due course – for example, lending someone money to then have them repay him through actions and loyalty ; or

2.      Part of furnishing the façade and thus a worthy sacrifice for the maintenance of this artifice.

Be in no doubt that this apparent sugary surface coats a venal and vicious individual who will never stop in the pursuit of victory. Cruel, perverse and utterly self-serving, behind that engaging smile and warm handshake is a cold and calculating mind.

Of course Greg would never admit to any weakness, unless as usual, he saw an advantage in doing so, but he has them. Like all of his kind he hates criticism. It burns and wounds and he uses his considerable control to keep his fury under control. Furthermore, the innate confidence and superiority that Greg has means that an objective observer will regard him as not necessarily appreciating certain risks to the extent that he might. Naturally, Greg would reject such a suggestion as failing to understand, however, there is an over-confidence which exists, which might, not always, but might lead to occasional difficulties for Greg the Greater, although of course he is equipped to address those difficulties using his customary charm, malice and manipulation.

A Stolen Love

a-stolen-love

Our victims have many things in common. Those shared traits are why they are chosen and why they become subjected to our incessant manipulations. The evidence of considerable empathic traits is of course one of the pre-requisites to gaining the attention of the narcissist. Exhibit a tendency to care, an ability to see another person’s point of view and a desire to help and you are issuing a neon-lit “Come and get me” to our kind. Your high-scoring on the empathic scale is naturally of considerable value to us. There is, however, another core principle that you all share which is irresistibly attractive to us. This is your devotion to love. You believe in love, you are advocates of the act of loving, you give love and (although not always) you want to be loved in return. Love is all you need, love conquers all and love is a many splendored thing. Love matters. You see that the world can and will be a better place if more love is exhibited. You love with a depth that is beyond many people. You truly give your all. Your love is perfect, selfless and based on a deep-seated notion that loving someone is the best and most wonderful thing one person can do for another. Such noble and laudable sentiments. Your status as a devotee to love means that you will strive to maintain that love once it has been gained. Love may give the appearance of having departed but you know, you believe, you always believe that it can be found and resurrected. That which has become dulled and blunted will be polished and returned to sharpness. That beautiful golden glow will shine again and you are the person to make it happen. You are the healer and the fixer. That which is broken shall be mended by the application of your burgeoning heart. You are a disciple of love and as such there is nothing you can do but act in accordance with the principles of loving. It is second nature to you. You are so full of love you must find ways of allowing it to manifest in the world and of course the pinnacle of doing so is to find that special someone. You want to find the one so that all of this marvellous love can find its true home. You are compelled to find your soul mate, your life partner and your best friend. Only then can your obligation to provide this amazing love be fulfilled and we thank you for being this way. On a daily basis we give thanks that you delicious and beautiful empathic individuals are committed to the promotion, promulgation and practice of love.

We come with the appearance of being that one special person who you can lay all your love upon. That person who will readily accept all of the love you have to offer and we will return it. Some of you would happily give this love in order to ensure there is an elated recipient and amazingly it would not matter to you whether that love was returned or not. Your sacrificial nature is stunning yet even more welcome. We are of course content to reflect your love in order to bring about yet more from you. We understand the transaction and we are happy to oblige because we are giving you absolutely nothing. We have come to take. We have descended on you ready to strip you of every ounce of love that you can provide. We will slurp it from you, nibble it from your straining frame and gulp it down as we devour your love. We will take it away from you time and time again. Do not be mistaken and think that you are providing this love based on a reality. You are doing so on a false premise. You have been conned into giving this love to us because we make you think we are the very thing you want when in reality we are anything but. We are fraudsters and we have come to take your love. If you knew what we truly were you would not offer your perfect love to us but we want it. We want it so much and we always take it. We make you unknown martyrs to the provision of love. We come without warning even though we appear with an explosion, all of it aimed to distract and misdirect so that we may pilfer your love. Our thieving knows no limits or bounds as we take what does not belong to us and use it for our own warped purposes. We keep on stealing your love until you are left spent and wretched, sat amidst the ruins of the relationship which once seemed impregnable and infinite and now is little more than ash streaked across blunted stone. We gorge on your love, gluttons that feed at the banqueting table as you slowly realise that the sumptuous love we appeared to return to you is in fact empty, a puff of air and without any substance. Yet this realisation comes far too late for by then the damage is done. Not only have we helped ourselves to all of your love we have, invariably ripped away and stolen your capacity for further love. Once you finally extricate yourself from our grip and eventually make sense of what has happened to you, even though it may take some considerable time, how often have your kind uttered the sentence,

“I do not think I will ever love any again, how can I after that?”

Words similar to such a question are regularly uttered by those who have been sucked into our malevolent maelstrom. We are the love thieves. We come and take the love to which we are not entitled but we are not done with that. Oh no. We rip out your heart in order to leave you so bereft that you can never love again. We steal your love. We are the love thieves of your past, your present and your future love.

Exposure – 5 Ways To Expose The Narcissist

 

EXPOSURE - 5 WAYS TO EXPOSE THE NARCISSIST

 

You never see us coming. You do not know what we are when we ensnare you. You have no idea what is actually happening when we push and pull you through the bewildering experience that is devaluation. You make no sense of what has happened when you have been discarded in the dust, hurt and dazed. When we return, riding back into your lives like the triumphant king we regard ourselves as, you still do not know us for what we are. How many times have you rued the fact that if only you had known earlier? How often have you remarked at how obvious it now seems with hindsight, when the eventual moment of revelation arrives, long-delayed and overdue as it often is. How frequently have you bemoaned to friends and family that if only you have seen the signs you might have done something to avoid what had entangled with you. Wishful thinking indeed and such thoughts go on to pollute your future engagements with those prospective intimate partners. At some future point you may eventually dip a toe in the pool of intimacy again in the hope of finding someone who is as far-removed from us as possible, but what if one of our kind comes a calling? You know you identified the tell-tale indicators with the one of our kind who ensnared you, but what is Lucifer comes in many guises? Would you have the craft and skill set to out one of our if he locked on to you? Would your empathic traits override the caution? Would the old adage of lightning never strikes twice play through your mind even though it strikes several times when it comes to our kind? At the outset of your engagement with that interesting and exciting person, there are of course the many Red Flags which exist and about which I have written in greater detail. You ought to acquaint yourself with them, since not all of our kind will always exhibit certain indicators. Neither does it do any harm to avail yourself of additional ones should you find yourself becoming the attention of the Greater of our kind, if hitherto you had been involved with a Lesser of Mid-Range. Utilise these five early door tactics to expose whether you are at risk of being ensnared.

  1. Create jealousy

Make reference to an actor or celebrity and comment about how he or she is talented and handsome. Consider admitting you have a crush on this person and if they walked in now you would be smitten and so forth. Observe the reaction.

A Lesser will struggle even during the seduction to contain the effect of his criticism and will lash out with a comment such as,

“Him? He is a homosexual, yes, well known in the industry, of course his fan base cannot know.”

“Him? Had a lot of work done you know.”

“Him? Really? He is nothing to look at. You’ve got off taste if you like him.”

A Mid-Range will fall silent and then move the topic on to something else. He has the situation just about under control but remains wounded, hence the withdrawal through a brief silence and then going to a different topic.

The Greater. Watch for the very brief flicker of fury in the eyes. A narrowing of the gaze or slight sneer before the control is exerted. The Greater will smile (but there will no warmth) or there will be a hollow laugh before he will say,

“Not a patch on me though eh?”

“I could have been an actor you know.”

A normal person would respond with: –

“Yes, he is a handsome chap, I agree.”

“Do you think so? I’m not so sure, but I can understand why you might say that.”

  1. Place Your Attention Elsewhere

Either fiddle with your ‘phone repeatedly or keep smiling at the waiter and chatting to him when he serves you. It need not be excessive as even a fairly minimum distraction in this way will irk our kind. Whatever situation you are in, find a way to put your attention on someone or something else.

The Lesser will put down the third party at the earliest opportunity by suggesting service was slow, the seats are unsatisfactory or will grab the phone from you and put it to one side. He will not be able to contain the ignition of his fury at such an early juncture.

The Mid-Range will try to compete by talking to a different waitress or by using his own ‘phone, doing his best to conceal the wound you have created by effectively ignoring him.

The Greater will start talking loudly about himself so you are forced to return attention to him. Boasts and outlandish comments will be made along with denigrating the offending person/item.

“It must be hell waiting on for a living, I am delighted I am able to have so much control over my work.”

“You know those ‘phones have been setting on fire. Yes, a manufacturing error. Clearly an inferior make. Now, take my ‘phone for instance.”

The normal person would politely ask you to stop using your ‘phone as much or would not smile pleasantly at your interaction with other people as noting it as just being friendly.

 

  1. Get the Details

We will make various boasts about what we do, who we know and what we like and the latter will be frequent as we endeavour to mirror you. In such a situation where we have ascertained what you like through our prior targeting of you, do not, as so many people do, accept it at face value as being true and accurate but instead politely press for some more details. If we explain that we engage in fencing because you do, mention some of the relevant equipment and terminology to draw us into providing more detail.

The Lesser will fudge it, lacking the preparatory depth to know anything much beyond what you like. He will backtrack saying it was some time since he had done it or such like. He will become agitated as his fury starts to ignite because your challenge, notwithstanding its politeness, will amount to a criticism.

The Mid-Range will change subject and ask you to talk more about it. Reject this and invite his comment. He will withdraw as he keeps control and moves on to a different topic or makes an excuse to go to the toilet or to point out something else happening.

The Greater will be harder to trap in this respect because he or she will have undertaken a greater depth of preparatory work and also their higher function enables them to think on their feet more readily, but a continued gentle cross-examination will expose some deficiency eventually. Once this nears the Greater will apply greater charm towards you in order to deflect you from probing too deeply. Expect a string of compliments, a flourishing gesture (“how about some champagne?”) or praising your evident knowledge of the subject before moving on to something else.

The normal will talk easily and extensively about this interest without bragging or evasiveness because it is true.

  1. Ask about the Ex

It may appear a little forward but this is a useful indicator to determine who you are with.

The Lesser will be unpleasant about her because the memory of this treacherous person annoys him and therefore you will be subjected to a volley of explanations about how terrible she is.

The Mid-Range will be dismissive about the request. He knows that if pressed he will not be able to help himself and pour out how horrible she has been to him, how crazy she is and how he is trying to put himself back together again after a horrendous experience. He knows enough that this is not the ideal topic of conversation at this juncture but so long as he can maintain control, he need not spill the beans. He will comment that there is not much to say and change the focus. Bring him back to the focus and observe what happens.

The Greater will be complimentary since he or she knows that to portray the ex in such a light at this early stage of the seduction is a sensible move. This will of course change in due course once there is triangulation and you are embedded, but prior to this he wants you to recognise he is a “good” person and that it didn’t work out and will provide some woolly and amorphous reason why that is. The Greater will not be able to help himself comment that she couldn’t cope with his brilliance in some way and then use it to compliment you.

“We got on but she ultimately wasn’t as clever as me, not like you, you and I are exactly on the same intellectual wavelength, it is marvellous.”

“She wasn’t a bad person but she struggled with how hard I work. I know you are not like that because I can tell you are diligent and admire hard work.”

The normal will provide a brief and honest explanation, often admitting to failings on his part as well or explaining that he and her remain on friendly terms. There will be little bitterness or rancour even if the relationship was difficult, this person will have moved on.

  1. Ask About Our Childhood

We often do not like to discuss it or certainly certain elements of it. Much of it will be patchy and disjointed to us. References to other family members will be limited unless pushed and they will not be spoken about in warm or fond terms

The Lesser will make sweeping comments about how it wasn’t happy but fail to provide any detail or say it was nothing special. He will not divulge any memories of it as he struggles to do so.

The Mid-Range will be dismissive and want to talk about your childhood instead. Anything he does say will be anodyne in nature as he prefers not to revisit it.

The Greater will talk about his childhood but it will all be boasts about what he achieved, how many friends he had, how good he was football, the fact he was top of the class and so forth.

The normal will recount a handful of anecdotes, speak well of his family, link the fact that his childhood means he sees a lot of his family now or if he does not, because of death or distance, the fact he misses them.

Excuses Equals Endangered

 

EXCUSESEQUALSENDANGERED

 

The fact for so long you had no idea what you were dealing with resulted in you engaging in an anticipated behaviour. This behaviour is one which we regularly rely on in order to keep you in the dark. I have made mention of the various traits which we look for in those who make the most useful victims to us. One of those traits concerns your ability to try to find the good in everyone and everything. This is a typical empathic trait and along with all of the others which you possess causes you to flare up on our radar when we are seeking an excellent primary source. Your desire to see good means that it obscures your ability to see the bad or perhaps more accurately, to accept the bad. This is something we desire because it prevents you from truly recognising what it is that is happening to you once your devaluation has begun. We of course love to operate from a position of plausible deniability, we court ambiguity since we enjoy and need to twist and turn in order to achieve what we want. If you saw everything as stark and clear as I now describe our machinations to you, you would be more inclined to escape us and bring about that unwelcome cessation of our primary source of fuel. It would also make it harder to apply those hoovers when we wish to return you to the fold and have you engage in our cyclical endeavours once again. We present you with the truth of what we are on a repeated basis but although we offer it up in front of you, we never let you see it clearly. We draw a veil across certain elements, apply a smoke screen, obscure some parts and distort others. The reality is there before you. It is evident and plain but because of the way in which we purposefully manipulate you, you are unable to see it. It is akin to us pointing out a ship on the horizon. It is obvious for us to see but when we hand you a telescope to gain a better look at this vessel, the lens has been smeared with something which distorts the view, or we place our finger over part of the lens blocking your view.

The consequence of this distortion is to prevent you from truly seeing what we are. This in turn means that you are unable to form a clear and coherent view of the person which has taken hold of you. This becomes infuriating for others who we have not been able to drag into our façade, but who recognise full well what we are. These observers tell you what you are dealing with. They may be circumspect to begin with, hoping not to offend your sensibilities but over time their increasing exasperation causes them to come out and say it straight. Yet, such candour rarely finds favour with you because you do not like to be told something about someone as wonderful as us (or at least someone who was wonderful). You do not like to think that the golden period has gone. You do not like to be deprived of the idea that what you once had will never come back or even that it did not exist to begin with. Most of the reasons why you think like this is as a consequence of our manipulative behaviour, which further goes to underline that it is not your fault. Even your desire to see the good in people is not your fault either. That is who you are. We know that and we exploit it. It is our fault again but of course in the midst of the battle that we engage in with you, we will never admit that anything is our fault. That will never do.

Thus, your view of us is obscured and because of this you will always issue excuses to explain away our behaviour, our words and our actions. You make these excuses time and time again, to others and to yourselves. You believe these excuses because this is how you think and you have been led towards this train of thought by the schooling you have received at our manipulative hands and mouths. You also utilise these excuses to continue to convince yourself that the unsavoury elements of our behaviour are just an aberration, an occasional blip in respect of an otherwise magnificent person. Your charity is amazing and naturally most welcome for through this blinkered approach you divest us of responsibility for the things we do, something which aligns with one of our many stated aims. You prevent yourself from examining further the reality of what has now ensnared you and the repeated application of these excuses keeps you in situ. We want you to utilise these excuses. We want to hear them. We want them said to us and to others. Your excuses frustrate and alienate those who are against us, your excuses support our manufactured façade and most of all they ensure you deny to yourself that which is directly before you. Here are twenty-five of those such excuses. You will have said them and probably more than once. Understand that each time you utter one you have used a further death knell for your prospects of escaping us.

  1. He is just tired; it makes him snap.
  2. He doesn’t mean it, not really.
  3. You don’t have to pretend with me, I just want you to be yourself.
  4. He has a lot on his mind at the moment.
  5. Work is particularly stressful for him.
  6. He sometimes has a bit too much to drink, but hey, who hasn’t been there?
  7. I think perhaps I am too harsh on him at times, it is my fault really.
  8. He is in a bad place but he will come through it.
  9. He is a complex person; you don’t understand him like I do
  10. It is just the way he is; I have got used to it.
  11. I know it seems bad but he does so much that is lovely; this is only a small part of what he is like.
  12. Nobody knows him properly, that’s why you think bad of him.
  13. He is a popular guy so he is always going to have women hitting on him.
  14. He has a temper, I know, but that’s part of what he is and it’s not for us to change him.
  15. I need to be more supportive and then he will be better.
  16. He’s not well at the moment but I will help him get through it, you will see.
  17. You’ve only heard one side of the story; he is not like that at all.
  18. Yes, well, his family would say that about him to cover up what they did to him.
  19. All he needs is to be loved and I am the one who is going to do that for him.
  20. You don’t know what you are saying anymore, it is okay, I do understand.
  21. It was a one-off, it won’t happen again.
  22. I know it was wrong but this time he has promised that he won’t do it anymore.
  23. You don’t understand the way that me and him are together.
  24. You are just jealous of what we have. Why can’t you be pleased for us, for my sake?
  25. I’m sorry, it was my fault.

Sound familiar?

Sex and the Narcissist

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