The Ties That Bind
One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it. Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent. You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.
We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read. Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar. You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.
These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this. You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in. You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waiver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.
Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allows you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and viscious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.
You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.
The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence. Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it. You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.
The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.
26 thoughts on “The Ties That Bind”
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They like to bind you to them but they don’t bind. They can’t. They stay in a perpetual state of unattachment. But they need you to attach to them. They need you to want and need them.
You mentioned about how the Narc gets you using sex…”Spiritual Warrior”… I read a couple of chapters into “sex and the narcissist” and I don’t think it was meant to be a comedy but I thought it was really funny. Especially the first part HG, where you take us through a normal type of sex type scene). Hillarious!
(Being one who has a fear of sex, and intimacy and never had penetrative sex, although had many relationships and been married for 14 years)
I wonder how an earth Narcs manage to deal with the sex and intimacy when they don’t even like it. I suppose except maybe for the somatic?!
You might aswell be having sex with a robot that is programmed to know all your likes and dislikes and how to respond to you in every detail.
In a way I kinda feel sorry for the Narcs having no choice but to have to use this to get close to people and make them need you. It must make them feel like prostitutes in a way. They would not need to use this with me.
(I would rather just sort myself out and be done with it, much easier and no major intimacy)
Sorry I know I am weird, as sex is everywhere and everyone especially borderline’s typically love it, but I seem to have gone the other way. Not to say that I don’t still get horny, and frustrated though like most women. Thought that would go away in your 40’s but I guess not….
If anyone (and you of course, HG) has an opinion / insight on this, I’d like to read it:
I noticed, reminiscing about former, old friendships and relationships, that I seem to be
a) a very true soul (do you say so in English?)
b) feeling a connection even if I have not been seeing that person for some time and live far away, while other people often seem to feel close only to people in their proximity, who they share their daily life or interests on a regular basis, wih. I don’t care much if I share any activities with someone, to feel connected. I do care a lot about messages / mails.
What I was wondering is …
– is it a typical empath trait to keep hanging on believing in a connection even if for example one of the people involved has moved away
– do I actually avoid close relationships / attachment with someone available doing this? Do I unconsciously prefer feeling connected to someone out of my reach??
– while I felt friendship or even love for someone (as a constant thing in my life), it has happened more than once that the other person said that he had moved on, that it was a thing of the past … while I missed him / her (in friendships).
My first love (and narc) wrote me one letter in his life, which went like, a) yes, we were soul mates in the past, we shared dreams (literally), felt each other over distance, etc., had a special connection; b) that was in the past, it was all my fault only for offering him love in the present, while he had another partner, and he had now a different life and interests; c) that I should continue the friendship by writing him as soon as possible via e-mail what I thought of his letter.
Why did he even take the time to write such a letter, HG?
(After that, there was no friendship but for another few years the same roller coaster of wanting sex, meetings and telling me that he couldn’t be just friends because of that, also didn’t write, but met me when it suited him then telling me it couldn’t be because of his girlfriend, and never being there for me).
– also, some people seem to regard people as friends whom they share activities with – as long as they do so, but not beyond that. I care about whom I meet whom I share a similar world view with, and want to get to know them individually, that has nothing do to with continuing being in the same group or doing those activities. Or living in the same neighbourhood or whatever, I either feel friendship and connection or I don’t.
Am I more … avoiding intimate relationships, close friendships and attachments myself, by telling myself that the connection matters more than actual weekly meetings e.g., being able to do something together regularly, by having people actually in my (day-to-day) life instead of feeling connected no matter when we meet in person …..
…. Or does this have to do with narcissists in my life, you use me from time to time as it suits them, and clinging on “comfort crumbs”?
Is it a trait of “normals” to stay friends only with people whom you can see regularly? (I have moved quite a few times, and there are those people, who are your best friends as long as you work in the same company, live in the same city, seeing them all the time … and after moving away never again ….). How do people just forget someone when they don’t literally see them all the time through circumstances?? Is that a “normal” trait?
The few good, reliable people in my life – I didn’t seem able or interested myself to form a lasting connection with. They flew under my radar it seems. Looks like the un-attached style is still the “normal” to me.
I seem to keep choosing attachment-phobics unconsciously. I push emotional, attached people away.
Do other people who grew up with narcs do that, too?
Yes, ava101, I do this too. I don’t want to be close physically. I don’t even want to see them particularly. I am happy to just have an emotional connection. And this kind of connection can carry on whether they have another person in their life or not. And whether you have another person in your life.
None of that matters.
The very strongest connection you can have with a person is in the mind and heart.
People think it’s sex, but it is not!
The internet helps us to have these types of connections with people.
And to be honest I prefer if the connections are further away as in different countries from UK where I live!
It feels safer then.
If they are too close, I tend to push them away or back off. It’s like I need the distance.
Emails and messages are very important to me too.
I get where you are coming from…
But maybe HG has other thoughts on the matter I don’t know…
Thank you, Michelle, that is very interesting. Even in different countries … yes, I don’t seem to mind if someone is in a different country, while the other person sees this as a definite good-bye forever. Hm. And how can such a feeling of connection be one-sided?
I have to think more about this all. 🙂
Ava101
I have an analogy for how such a bond and feeling of connectedness can be one-sided. Think of when you meet a newborn relative. You feel a bond with the baby, an unbreakable bond and instant love, while the baby feels absolutely nothing for you. You will always feel a bond with this baby, while he may never feel anything for you.
Relationships with narcs are like this. We connect with them and form a bond, because we are capable of forming bonds. They, however, are not capable of forming bonds with anyone, so the bond remains one sided. It only takes one caring, living person to form a bond.
Ava 101
Well I definitely don’t know what normal people think and feel. For myself, distance has no effect on the bonds I feel with people, nor does the length of time it’s been since we last met. However, being physically present with most people is very difficult for me. And if I am with an empathic person that I feel a close bond with, leaving them can be incredibly painful. It’s sort of like ripping open a big psychic wound. For instance, I feel a very strong bond with my two-year old granddaughter here in Kansas. When I leave to go home it will hurt me terribly. I already dread it.
Probably because of this pain I feel, i often avoid empathic people with whom I have close bonds. My few friends give me a lot of grief about this. I can feel their disappointment and sometimes anger. One friend accuses me of being very selfish for not wanting to meet her and says we can’t remain friends if I avoid her. Maybe this is like your question, do normals only stay friends with people they meet regularly?
This is not a problem with my narcissists, though. Even though I feel close bonds to several narcs, there is no pain when I leave them. There is no feeling of something precious being ripped away. No fear that they will feel differently about me when we next meet. Maybe this is because the bond I feel with them is only one way? I’m the only one who feels it, so it’s totally in my own control. Just a hypothesis.
Interesting, Windstorm, thank you! You avoid people because of the pain of separating? Hm. But while being with an empathic person, the many emotions don’t get too much for you?
I’m afraid I am often the disappointed one. 🙁
I met an empath friend yesterday after years, and with her it was indeed as if time didn’t matter, and she didn’t complain, even though she didn’t have an easy time either.
I did feel that pain when I left the exnarc … also with another former friend who doesn’t really seem to do attachment either. So strange. I don’t feel it’s in my control. But I think that in the long run, one needs to worry less with narcs about loosing them. 😉
Aba101
I avoid “empaths” because of the pain of separating. When their emotions are positive, it’s a rush, like a drug. Leaving them and losing those feelings is painful.
I avoid everyone else just for fear of pain with them. When I’m with a narc or someone I don’t know, I’m always on guard expecting negative emotions or hurtful statements.
Windstorm,
to me, empaths can get too much, like my friend yesterday, and also her daughter. I suspect that I even like the calmness a narc _can_ provide (in better moments), like, my own emotions hardly get too much for one. If this makes any sense to you.
Hm, yes, I felt such a one-sided connection before, with my bunny, but not with my nephews. But I know what you mean. 🙂
I am sorry if I frustrate you today, I feel totally like in the Led Zeppelin song “dazed and confused”. Even have socks with that on them.
I just met someone who doesn’t seem to do attachment / bonds, with new people, but friends from school, brother, etc., but no new ones. He also seems to dissociate. one moment incredibly caring, tender, nice, the next moment unreachable.
He is definitely not a narc, and I wasn’t that much on my guard because of this. But he really doesn’t seem to feel connections and didn’t understand at all that I did. So, you are somehow right, only thing to do would have been to stay away.
Oh, and I must have formed a one-sided attachment to my narc mother in the past…? I had none to my father, no feeling of connection whatsoever.
Ava101
I do understand what you mean about the calmness of a narcs company. I often feel that. I think it’s because they don’t feel as many emotions as we do. There is a steadiness and predictability. I’ve always enjoyed watching two or more narcs interacting together. It can be very amusing.
Oh I’ve been off the blog a few weeks I had a back injury and was in excruciating pain gonna have to try and catch up if it was me interviewing him I’d be asking very personal questions about his love life and childhood I can’t really get more specific it would be off the cuff so whoever interviews him all I hope is that they would ask personal questions
Mr. Tudor, HOW do you all Narcissist seem to be doing the same things of abuse to US???? Do you have a hand book?? Where do you learn how to abuse us and have us be your victims? Where do you get the spells to Sire us to you? Yet YOU of Narcissist do not like to mingle among yourselves, as you are selfish and do not like competition of fighting for attention. This is such a sick mystical magic of welcome to the fun house of HELL…..I have done so many things to the Narcissist that he has no clue about, but it has never made me feel better, just for a moment…YOU say to have us, we are gone when we die… I THINK ALL OF YOU ARE BETTER OFF DEAD…BUT THERE IS FEAR IN YOU OF DYING AS YOU REALLY HAVE NO SPIRITUAL BELIEF SYSTEM OF THE RULES YOU FOLLOW OF LIFE. EXCEPT EVERYTHING THAT IS RIGHT FEELS SO WRONG TO YOU…SO YOU DO THE WRONG…All this information you give us is great, but it does not change the WHYS you all do the same things to us, and why are you here. Inquiring minds want to know…
There is no handbook. It is not that all narcissist behave the same but rather the similar behaviours mean the person is a narcissist – look at it the other way around.
It Certainly Seems So My God WHAT An Amazing Education I’m Getting!
But you bind us to us…Sire us to you???? it is like hitler jim jones charlie manson….is it mind control? Many of us as myself, are not nieve or stupid…BUT many of us like me,have some type of wound that has been dealt with, or covered up very well. YOU HG have wounds too….do you use the wounds to some how manipulate us. SEX oh yes SEX of getting inside of us as intimately as possible, is one of the biggest. Please if you have an insight to help us understand this Mystical way of controlling us.
This is a very helpful tip. I am watching what I thought was a 20 year friendship, but turns out it was a 20 year Golden Period due to lack of proximity, fizzle. Turning around my thoughts helps stop the Emotional Thinking. Instead of feeling hurt, I feel free! I don’t have to “work this out”….I can get on with my life.
Good.
“Spiritual Warrior,”
If you have a spiritual belief system yourself, you may want to consider if saying “I think you all are better off dead” is the right thing to say to another human being.
Is it for you to decide who is “better off dead”? And if you have a faith belief system, are you a good witness to your God? (For my faith, it would not be so). There is condemnation in your tone and words. Is that helpful — does that help, in any way at all — to point anyone toward Light?
Narcissists cause others pain…I don’t think there is any question about that, as the cycles (and words/actions) they go through bring that about. But if you look at information about narcissism, it is thought that their disorder is often rooted in abuse inflicted on them, at a young age.
So where is your own compassion over their abuse and sad life situation? By definition, a narcissist will not be able to feel what I am speaking of — by someone who is not a narcissist should be able to. Are you just matching hate (early abuse of human beings and abuse the abused later impose) with more?
I wish no human being to be involved with another human being who abuses… that is not what I am saying.
I could not look the other way at your comment, as much as I innately would like to, because there is no telling how people will respond online, and peace/kindness is huge for me. So my goal in replying is not to embarrass nor argue with you… but to perhaps cause you to think about your approach.
You may wish to consider the affect your words has on others, and what they reflect, in a larger way.
It matters.
I’m still throwing out his stuff. Some of the music he introduced me to I like. But I tried to listen to it the other day and it just triggered me. Wondering where he is. Knowing now a dirty little secret introduced him to that very music, no doubt in my mind. There was nothing original about him. Grown man but a baby that had to be taught how to make a pot of coffee.
I will never wear red lingerie again. His fave color. I get anxiety seeing RED!
I find this more true with sociopaths than regular narcs. There’s something fundamentally emotionally alienating about this dynamic with an emotional empathetic, it made me realise that death was more of an emotional than a physical thing.
This is so true yesterday I had a terrible nagging feeling his sister died even though I had not spoke to him for a week and a half after our last fight but yesterday I just knew and had the urge to contact him sure enough he told me this morning that his sister died yesterday now I feel more bound to him
Ugotit
I’d think that says more about you. I’ve had those type of experiences too, but I’ve concluded over time that’s its more my ability to feel energy. I often feel the strongest feelings like that from my various narcs and codependent relatives. I don’t think it’s at all because they love me or that we’re meant to be together (believe me that’s not true of any of them!). But maybe because they are more broken that they send out stronger energy and I am the type of person who gets very attuned to a persons energy.
Just something to think about.
Hi yes I know its about me I also knew my fiancee had died the day he died before I had actually been informed . his sister was an empath and I feel a strong bond to her .the thing is he assumed and informed me I must return to be with him and get legally married we are married only islamically he insists I belong there with his family he insisted I tell him I love him using his full name but little does he know I recently met a man who lives 20 minutes away fROM me but ironically comes from same country as the narc this new man and I really hit it off and I want to see where it goes but he is under the impression I’m coming back to him the narc that is he’s taking advantage of Muslim obligations
Hi Ugotit! Wow you definitely picked up on a current there about his sister. I’m sorry if she was someone you were close to and you have that loss.
On a side note, since there has been some chatter since you pitched your idea for a “reader interview” with HG and there may be some traction with that, what would be something you would want to know if given the chance to ask?
There does come a point, though, that the tie no longer binds. I’m finally there. I’m finally okay. And breathing now is the best feeling I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
Me too 🙂