A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 47

At your 23 you are nothing less than magnificent. No other word suits you… You dig your soul deeply and write your own humankind theories… of course with you at the highest, third, level of the hierarchy, but it is so hard to question that, looking at you… If ever you’ll introduce yourself to narcissism concept, probably this knowledge can make you only even more strong…

I wonder what you will become in five, ten years!… You will be mature, dangerous narcissist, definitely… Without that adorable childish honesty about your insights who you are and how your soul works. 

Probably soon you’ll discover last bits of it all to have the whole picture and hide all that from anybody forever. And that sounds already scary. 

You know people are hurt sometimes encountering you. You think it’s because their too conventional rigid worldview being put against your advanced one…

You can seduce anyone you want. And you know that, of course. You already can do it flawlessly, being so young… 

I didn’t plan to find you or supposed mystery like you is possible in my life. You just came… Wanting something from me so desperately. Wanting what?… 

You was my sin. My fairytale in real life. My dream in the real world. A boy of my naive teenage wishes who came true late in my life. You used to say you drug addicted to me; I was feeling the same. Such a strong and deep feeling of happiness. You used to say “tension”… I was stupid to realize what exactly you wanted from me… usually, in my past, people wanted just something sexual. But not you. You are more serious. You are definitely the soul hunter. You came and took my heart so easily and gracefully like it was left on the shelf waiting there only for you all these years. But what did you want even then?… That was strange and unexplainable. Now I have the answer – you wanted fuel. I was unable to grasp, being trapped in “normal people” frames, that this thing may be appreciated as is. 

The unusual energy you put in our relations from the beginning was channeled into giving me what you wanted for yourself: you made me feel great so I will tell you how great you are… 

With you, I felt wanted. Beautiful. Alive and contented as never before. Respected for my knowledge and skills. Loved properly, for the first time in my life. If love exists, now I know what it is. I loved. And I have been loved. No matter how it corresponds to illusion and common expectations of love. That was it.

You enabled the most beautiful and magnificent projection I ever experienced. You brought me a piece of true heaven and shared with me so generously. 

I physically felt like I’m your age again and my life is at the highest possible point of happiness: the happiness of being understood by similar human being.

Your energy… You were my source of life energy and power in another person. I wondered how if you give me so much, you ensure me that you are getting very energized with me too. It was mutual. Together we have been strong like gods.

I thought at my age and profession I know people and can detect any manipulations. Not with you. Nothing worked with you…

The pupils of your eyes were so honestly wide. It seemed your eyes are dark-colored when they are not… Your demons. Your energy. Your smiles…

You used to wear dark glasses. Now I know why. Probably somebody in the past was afraid of your stare and you took this measure. You were so static, looking at me, listening to me, that I thought skype connection was lost. 

I’m grateful I met you in my life. You have shown me my reflection – a reflection of the best of me… You enabled it, elaborated, allowed my projection – whatever that was, it was your power, your gift and your role in my life.

You’ve done to me most beautiful things you know, performed like a pro with no flaw. And gone when the inevitable end of heaven was close. You sealed the sterile beautiful memory example in my brain – of the perfect things you can give and ever learned. You left your everlasting imprint in my memory like a gift. And gone.

“Heaven’s gone, the battle’s won…”

I said: “I will keep you in my memory _always_. Your smiles… You are the best thing ever happened to me in my life.” We both knew we cannot continue due to the external situation. Or it would bring massive changes. 

You said the day after: “Good that you already said all you wanted to say. Write to me no more.” And blocked me everywhere.

***

You block; unblock. I block; unblock.

You stalk. I stalk. No single word.

Sincere intentions r deeply locked.

You choose “unblock” when I choose “block”. 

***

You said it already will not be easy for us both. You believe the relations always end with nothing good. And if we stay together longer, it will be even more hard and painful to finish them. “You don’t know me”, – you said. I said: “C’mon, I feel you, your energy, what the thing I can _know_ about you, that can change the situation?” Naive. 

I remember also when the magnificent human suddenly turned into an offended child, deprived of candy, and said: “The same quality of communication as with you, of course, I will not find again”. In this one I believe: it corresponds with my vision of the situation. But you will find the wide range of fuel with no problem. You are an explorer. I wish you can see and feel many another different beautiful things in life to come. 

I’m grateful. Grateful to you and life. It is the only feeling I have now about you and what happened. Right after the break up, I felt another thing, of course: like half of my soul was taken away from me and it’s bleeding all the time. Very painful pure grief, as if somebody died. It was the unbearable intense feeling of losing you. It was a long time; a month or something of losing you bit by bit to the memory stack labeled “past”…

Exactly in one month, you posted the melancholic song with words “who said you’re one in a million? You’re so much better than that”, with clear hints it’s about me for you. 

Hell, ecstasy!.. hell…… That was sadistic. Your idealization was obviously not objective, but so pleasant.

I thought we can be friends maybe even until we die, and work on projects together – you became my best friend and best colleague, and I obviously had no plan of romance with you. But you could not resist trying your seduction on me anyway: you won. Such a beautiful pain to remember. When rests of my “normal thinking” that you are much younger than me have vanished and I surrendered to the total freedom of beautiful feeling. Contact soul to soul and nothing in this world matter…

You said you are afraid you began to feel too much… And need to hide away in philosophy to write out it and stop those feelings in you. 

You said you are emotionally immature… Why do you think so about yourself, instead of firm knowing you are rare absolutely self-sufficient human and stopping to search for “normal” human relations?…

We shared the moment that will last to the end in my memory. The treasure of true art – beautiful creation of human interaction. 

Through you, I know who I am now… I projected on you part of me, seen it, admired it, fell in love with it, took it back inside and became more whole… 

I don’t need any continuation with you – I understand clearly that such moments are too divine to last long; they are projections of our divine parts, so they are for gods and legends, not humans, therefore have an inevitable end. I’m not jealous seeing you have somebody else to be happy with and make happy for a short time. Thanks to HG, I do not stab myself anymore with thoughts that there will be somebody better than me for you, or you will find somebody for forever after, – I’ve done that so many times being young, I was so jealous… But not here. I feel nothing seeing your photos with others; feel my superiority and smiling instead don’t know why. You give somebody a chance to have gifts I have now. You are ‘public property’ indeed, as somebody properly formulated.

You have a talent – creative talent which actually you can use on any side: to make people happy or make them internally dying… you are like a kind of god in this matter indeed. 

What if you can choose to play only the first part with everybody you meet?… 

You are beautiful. Not because I find so my projected part in you, but because of You – in all your artisanal soul complexity. You are the “part of that power which eternally wills evil and eternally works good.”

***

Power to see upsides with no regrets…

Power to live with my fire without burns. 

This is my; yours are superhuman depths 

nobody for true understands on earth.

We have dark side and something in common

We have seen and was able to grasp. 

We’re different sides of one coin,

Different chosen conscious paths. 

I’m keeping your trace in my soul as a treasure.

I’m keeping your inner gifts you don’t know of.

Your importance for me is out of measures.

And your place in my soul nobody retakes on earth.

When every song – is about us, every song. And every philosophy book.

When heaven says this is meant to be short, and it had a beautiful look.

When I need nothing from you –

Absolutely nothing to do or become –

Just be here in this world, just be…

And whenever you want – just come…

***

Of course, you are not the first narcissist I met. But surely the best! Nobody even close to you. And I’m learning new things each time when life gives me the narcissist, evolving to where I stand now. 

With first your predecessor I was escaping, rebellious and beating his lieutenants. I was fifteen. I wanted normal “love” and Relations, marriage and everything girl idealistically expects, obviously not this mess with the three girlfriends simultaneously.

Nothing better I was with second your predecessor when we both were twenty years old: I was crazily destructive for him. As much as was he for me, probably: we both were a total mess in the end. His paranoia flourished on my deeds. He was crying defeated many times; I was trying to improve him, still expecting conventional things from the man. I even can give some nice advises how to achieve that – having the mutual, not one-sided hell with a narcissist. He was mid-range, doesn’t even deserve to be mentioned, if not my lessons allowing me to realize many things and to be with you later who I was. 

With you… With you I was different. You made the thing the way I never needed to show you what I’m capable of, and you sincerely wondered – “do you have rage sometimes?” You don’t know me, ecstasy; same as you said, that I don’t know you. Probably we had not enough time to exchange our dazzling darkness.  Never threatened each other, that’s why I thought you are very warm and caring. 

With you, I was just me at my best, experienced and tried already that all, relaxed and wanting no more normal things, – actually, wanting nothing from others in my life. I experienced all the things so unexpectedly coming my way as gifts, never wanting for something more. So had a beautiful experience of curious enjoying you as you are. Soul hunter…  I was feasting my eyes on you, feeling such a tenderness and caring attitude to your, to my intuitive insight, very sensitive soul. Maybe like a mom. Do you need mom? Probably not already – too late: you are 23, not 3. You said you need me as a mentor, having my bits of advice… I guess I succeed and didn’t injure you even once. Sad that communication with you can’t be done from the friend distance for a long time… You’ve chosen to seduce and discard me like anybody else. Replaceable… Ok. Your way. But now I know that I have been a Primary for the absolutely outstanding Greater: I know now how delicious this dance with the darkness feels. My life experience became wider, fuller and brighter. Totally worth it. 

I guess, it is the end… Or not?… You will not bring my dark side to the life in the second act, will not you?…  

Antifragile