The Narcissist’s 7 False Contritions
1. I am sorry I went away.
You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared. I am not going to tell you what I was doing whilst I was gone but I only thought about you when I looked at your pleading texts and missed calls. The rest of the time I spent it with your predecessor who I wanted to be with because, well, she hadn’t criticised me. Of course, she spoilt it and that is why I have come back to you pretending to be sorry. I need your fuel again, so here I am with my false remorse.
2. I am sorry I didn’t listen.
I didn’t listen to you because you have nothing of importance to say. Ever. That is compared to me. You should listen to me more because I do not like it when you do not. In fact I hate it. I rarely hear the words you say anyway, you are actually wasting your breath. I am far too focussed on the emotion that is spewing from you, your hurt, your frustration, your anger and your hatred. That is what I want to listen to. That gives me the fuel that I crave. I will pretend I will listen to you in the future so you provide me with some positive fuel for a while and then I will become deaf to what you have to say once again.
3. I am sorry that I hit you.
You made me do it because you will not do what I want and you will not give me what I need. I am torn between needing you and being disgusted by the fact that I am bound to someone as pathetic as you, when I am so brilliant. I am concerned that what I did may be detected by others and consequently the façade that I have created and maintained to everyone outside these four walls will be damaged. I am concerned I may have to spend some of my precious time charming law enforcement if you are treacherous enough to report me.
4. I am sorry I was unfaithful.
If you paid me more attention I would not have to do it, or at least, perhaps not as often. It was your fault that I went elsewhere because you do not admire me like you used to do. You should do so. Everyone admires me and you should be no different. I am irritated that I got caught because I thought I had covered my tracks and been cleverer than you. I am annoyed because you have scared off the other woman with your histrionics and now I am going to have to use my time and energy to find someone else now. I had a great little set-up there and you have ruined it with your interference. Just as you always spoil everything.
5. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.
I really cannot be bothered having to support you when you are unwell. I find it a waste of my time because everything should be about me, not you. I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. I need my energies and time to carry out my machinations and gather fuel, not to play nurse maid to you. I do not care that you have looked after me, that is your role. I am too great to tend to you, it is beneath me. I am concerned that my lack of caring and attentiveness has proven the last straw however and my false contrition is purely designed to stop you leaving me.
6. I am sorry I am not a better person.
I am better, way better than you and everyone else, but I know you are fixated with the idea of making me better, changing me and healing me, so I say this to make you feel sorry for me and to hint at the fact that I want to change and become someone better. I am never going to change but I do love to keep you hanging on thinking that I will as this stops you leaving me and deserting me when I need my fuel. I will keep mentioning this so you stick around until such time as I have lined up someone else and I have drained you, then you disappear for all I care. In the meanwhile I will continue to insinuate that I am capable of change and improvement so that you do not go anywhere else. I need my fuel after all.
7. I am sorry for myself.
At least this one is true. I feel very sorry for myself and with good reason. I am just trying to get through life and deal with the jealous people, the envious people and the horrible people who are trying to hurt me. I know there are hundreds of them and I have done nothing to them, yet they insist on trying to hurt me. It is a terrible burden to carry, knowing that there are so many people out there against you, especially when you are as a wonderful and as brilliant as I am. I need your pity, your sympathy and your empathy. Give it to me. It is all fuel. I do not deserve to be treated like this do I? I am human too you know.
46 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s 7 False Contritions”
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No offence but these seven false contritions sound
more like Seven Mephistophelean whispers indeed and I believe there are more…
(Mephistopheles
spirit of the Devil and the tempter of Faust. A coldhearted, cynical, and witty figure. ( Faust, Goethe)
I am sooooooo sorry YOU were not informed about who and what I am and that my intentions are to suck the life and emotions out of you and leave you batty mind fuck a mental mess. Soo sorry I WAS NEVER SORRY
I have a question HG.. is the creature inside responsible for you trying to save us, or the mask? Sure, you gain tertiary fuel from your readers, but as you’ve stated, you gain far more supply from secondary and primary fuel sources. And there’s a financial benefit I am sure, although I can’t imagine this is something you planned on. You’ve made the tactics of your “kind” known, which I would think does not benefit your mask enough to outweigh the risks of being found out. At least, I assume you don’t want to be found out. I could be totally mistaken.
I should probably assume that you are confident enough in your ability to remain hidden.
Regardless of your reasoning for sharing this information with the world, thank you. You’ve saved me several therapy sessions and hours trying to figure out what has just happened to me. And in fact, I really don’t care why you’re doing it at all, because I know you’re using your knowledge to help people regardless of your motive. It’s our actions that define us, and despite the fact that I know you’re probably a destroyer (you’ve convinced me with your writing), you seem to be counteracting that with an impressive amount of constructive help. Next time you see the creature in the mirror, be sure to remember (before anyone texts you that morning) that you’re bringing about positive change.
HG I’ve recently had a hand written -‘I’m sorry and ashamed that I hurt you. I didn’t treat you with the respect you deserve. ‘
What does this mean? He feels ashamed? That’s a new one.
He knew what he was doing, he planned it, it was sustained over a long time period.
He’s been proved a liar – I can only assume this is a lie too.
It is difficult to state without context and knowing more detail about the writer, a consultation is the appropriate forum.
There are times when I still feel it was my fault. And who’s fault was it anyway when we where both fucked up. (?)
T
Assigning fault never resolved anything. If If all parties are fucked (or that is the perception), then the one who decides to unfuck themselves or the situation is the real winner. People should focus on that instead of whose fault is is/was. That is just a waste of more time.
NarcAngel
You remind me of something my exhusband says about American workers: everyone wants to fix the blame instead of fixing the problem. In a large part, that’s what our culture teaches us.
NA, thank you, I love your response.
I find myself thinking crazy thoughts, like wanting to buy the same car, watch, etc…i think it’s my way of missing him.
Then I’m disgusted by my thoughts about it. And sometimes when I read HG’s writings, I wonder if there’s any hope of not attracting the same kind of people in my life. I feel like it’s written in my being, ” feel free to use me.”
I’m wondering if anyone here has found, or is in a healthy, functional relationship?
T
You sound like you have lost or completely buried your own identity. Wanting to have the same things as him sounds like you are assimilating and adapting to the life of others because you have never given thought to what you really want or think you deserve. Instead you find out what others want and try to adapt to that? When was the last time you sat quiet and thought about what you actually want to accomplish or attract in the time that you have been given? Unless you change this you will always attract his kind because they look for that-clay to mold. Having wants and needs of your own is healthy and does not diminish you in any way-it elevates you. It tells people that you value yourself, and that is what makes you attractive to healthy people. Mold your own clay first. The most beautiful and sought after pottery is always a standalone piece, not a copy or mass produced.
NA, yes, that sounds correct. All of it.
I thank you and everyone for helping me see things clearly. I certainly don’t. This is why I’m doing my best to remain open and transparent on this site, which could be dangerous to me, but I value everyone’s opinion. I’m so lost and I hate it. I believe I’m going to do what you suggested and sit alone by myself and see what happens.
Thanks NA!!!
‘Im sorry, I want to be a better person’ – I had this one spewed out to me word for word – hundreds of times. I never knew what it really meant. Always followed with the smirk I realise now. Yes it worked I felt sorry for him. Not any more.
Number 7 in this article is a strong hook to bait unaware empaths with. At least, I know I used to fall for it.
Lately, I’ve been wondering about borderline personalities. They display narcissistic traits, yet, from the (fairly limited) amount of reading I’ve done, I believe they do have empathy and are capable of changing their behaviour and reducing their emotional mood swings.
Are there any behaviours to watch out for in order to detect who has a borderline-type personality compared with who is narcissistic before you know a person well?
HG what kind of fuel would you get if one of your very high fuel sources committed suicide?
None. A dead appliance is a useless appliance.
I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. Interesting part hmmm
Noticed you changed the website design. The word Evil is missing. Wonder why because it was right on.
For a narcissist to exhibit penitence, must be false. To be truly penitent would require them to care, to be able to reflect and demonstrate accountability.
I imagine that this relates to an important part of maintaining the illusion/ construct.
It would be great If the narcissist’s nose would grow like Pinocchio, with each lie. With the whole narrative explaining each false statement spilling out of his mouth straight away.. that would be interesting to observe.
Quasi
If a narcissist’s nose grew every time they lied they would be easier to spot. They would be the ones carrying their nose around in a wheelbarrow.
Exactly NarcAngel…. easily recognisable… and an epic red flag.. I’m not just a hat stand my friend…
NARC ANGEL MY NARCISSIST HAS A REALLY BIG NOSE ,NOW I KNOW WHY !👺
I am sorry … I have done a mistake , I am sorry I am such a bad man, If I was a good man , i would have stayed with my wife and we would have never met … can’t you understand people do mistakes – mistakes can be repaired but not choices … That I used to answer.
I feel far from all this lately .
Like removed – NC really changes the brain.
I am sorry – I went NC – I am sorry I could not handle your hundreds of woman, I am sorry I could not put up with your lies, I am sorry I did not accept to go the extra mile, I am sorry I gave up so quickly, I am sorry I could not put up with your greatness, I am sorry I could bear being smeared, I am sorry I am so crazy –
So crazy …
Bye bye Mr Mistakes !
I never got any “I’m sorrys” from my narcs unless they were insults and said sarcastically, like “I’m sorry you’re so pathetic” or “I’m sorry you have no sense of humor.”
Windstorm,
Aww! Everyone here knows you are far from pathetic. But his comment made me giggle because who says that?! Your ex is quite the character, and a different kind of narc who doesn’t bother with the facade it seems! I’m so glad it doesn’t affect you!
Thanks Jenna
Wasn’t just my exhusband, though. I was thinking primarily of my mother, but most narcs I know are that way. Maybe it is our culture, but saying you’re sorry is often seen as weak and pathetic. People look down on you if you do.
People brag about never being sorry for anything because it makes them seem strong and sure to others.
Windstorm,
Thanks for clarifying. Since it was not said by your ex and rather by your mother, I take back my giggle. That’s horrible for a mother to say! I’m so sorry. For some reason, the thought of your ‘nudist’ ex, thinking he’s too great to put in the effort to charm anyone, and the statement – combination of all these factors made me giggle. His ego sounds huge by the way!
Jenna
Isn’t every narcs ego huge? Well at times…they also have their low periods where the fear takes them. I can only put up with him because he is very smart and really introspective – especially for a narc. Plus he has a wicked sense of humor and tremendous insight into people and situations.
We all have our faults and idiosyncrasies. I’d probably die if I heard the sort of things he says about me!
I asked him once what sort of things he says about me at work (his colleagues all look at me like I have 3 heads). His answer was, “Whatever gets the biggest laugh.”
Windstorm,
Oh yes, you’re right, every narc’s ego is huge! Your ex is rather overt about it that’s why he makes me giggle. The narc I knew is very covert and introverted. Nobody would know how big his ego is until it is too late. Imo, the covert narcs are very dangerous in this regard because you don’t know what what you’re in for. And he had no sense of humor. He was very reserved. I have yet to meet an overt narc like your cerebral wise cracking ex! ‘Whatever gets the biggest laugh’ lol! That’s mean, but at least he doesn’t lie about his plans😜 and I doubt his coworkers would even take it seriously! Windstorm, did your ex ever really hurt you and make you cry? He seems so in your face that he would be easier to brush off?
Jenna
Ha, ha! There’s absolutely nothing introverted about my exhusband! I grew up thinking all narcs were that way. I just thought all the introverted ones were jerks! lol! It wasn’t till I got here in the blog that I learned that all those cruel jerks in my family (including my mother) were narcs, too.
As to his coworkers believing him, they of course know he exaggerates and makes things up. But it’s also hard to believe that you can never trust what someone you like says. And like all good liars, he always includes a grain of truth.
As to pain he’s caused me…I just don’t talk about it much, because it’s all in the past now. Remember I was married to him for 30 years. Honey, i couldn’t count how many times he’s made me cry. Living fairly isolated out on a farm, with him and my mother tag-teaming me with abuse. I actually spent decades – literally decades – in tears, self-esteem shattered until I was gaslighted into numbness and could barely function.
But that is in the past and I am no longer that woman. Once I hit rock bottom and realized I’d lose my job and end up in a hospital if I didn’t fix myself, I got out. I’d already prepared our vacation home as my escape bolthole, and once I left him , i never looked back. It took about 10 years of slow recovery for me to reach my current place of peace and relative mental stability.
So yes, Jenna, he has made me cry. Cry and cry and cry until I ran out of tears. I remember you being horrified hearing that a narc mocked and tormented his IP when she was crying by pretending to cry and drawing tear lines on his face. I didn’t comment at the time, but my exhusband did that fairly routinely in our early years. I dare say no one can live any amount of time with a greater narcissist and not cry a river of tears.
Windstorm
If you dont mind me asking, how did your husband get on with your mother?
NarcAngel
Terrifically! She loved him and fawned all over him. Of course she was often insulting and ugly with him too, but he would put her in her place and she’d back down and fawn. They farmed together for years. She always believed she was the boss, but he just laughed at that. I commented to him back a few months ago that she always liked him better than me. He laughed and said, “yeah, that’s because you never understood her like I did.”
Windstorm,
I’m so sorry. I did not know he made you cry that much. I guess when it comes down to it, covert or overt, introverted or extroverted, greater, mid-range, or lesser, charming or not charming, they are all evil and make us cry😞
I’m so glad you are in a better place now and independent from him.
I am also sorry your ex used to draw fake tears on his face. That is very belittling. Yes I was horrified when I read that. I thought NOBODY could do that except for a complete murderous psychopath. Do you remember who it was who does that? I will give you a clue. His name starts with an ‘H’ and ends with ‘G.’ He is a mean man in his personal life!😡
Windstorm,
“ “I’m sorry you’re so pathetic” or “I’m sorry you have no sense of humor.”
The more you write about your narc the more I get curious about him.
He is certainly unique in his “uncharminess “. Certainly one of his kind.
His words were a clear example of projection!
Superxena
It is amusing that you all assume I was talking about my exhusband. He famously never apologizes for anything! (Not even for others being pathetic! He would be more likely to say something like, “It’s not my fault you’re so pathetic.” 😄)
No, I was thinking of my mother. She was the queen of insulting apologies. But lots of other narcs do it too. I think it makes them feel more powerful. To give an honest sounding apology would show weakness.
Windstorm
Everyone wants to pin it on the naked guy lol.
NarcAngel
Well he is a big, obvious target! 😝
Windstorm,
I was not paying enough attention and yes I assumed you were talking about your narc. Your mother sounds as well very hard to cope with.
“ He would be more likely to say something like, “It’s not my fault you’re so pathetic”
It is NEVER their fault even when there is evidence of it right in front of them. Sometimes I wonder if they really believe it is not their fault even though there is plenty of evidence to the contrary..
Re NA’s comment:
“ Windstorm
Everyone wants to pin it on the naked guy “
You see I am not paying attention, did I miss something? Is your narc always naked? It is not that it has something to do with him being a narc ( no correlation) but somehow I feel I have missed some good information!!
Hi superxena!
Yes you have missed some good information. Windstorm’s ex likes to be naked around the house😜
She wrote about it in the other thread.
Do you remember me superxena? I am narc free now, and I have a whole new outlook on life! I want to apologize to you if I have ever offended you here in the past.
Hello Jenna,
Yes, of course I remember who you are. I am glad to hear that you have a new outlook on life and most of all that you are narc free now.
No need to apologise, I do not consider that you offended me in the past.
So all is good!
Superxena,
Thank you. I just wanted to make sure.
Superxena
Ha, ha! No you didn’t miss anything important, just silliness. I don’t remember just how it came about. I think we were talking about intitlement maybe and I mentioned that my exhusband would walk around naked in his office full of people if he wouldn’t get fired or arrested. He likes to be naked at home because it is more comfortable and will walk thru my house wearing nothing. I just ignore it.
Windsorm,
He is certainly one of a kind!
Windstorm
My husband also walks around naked saying: see anything you like? He also stopped once in front of the tv and wagged it at Connie Chung, and stuck it through the hole where a doorknob was being replaced to ask: Where did you get this knob? Nice finish!
NarcAngel
😝 there are so many things I’d say in response to that if we were face to face. None appropriate for putting in a comment on a blog, though!
Windstorm
Well in that case I’ll be right over.