Why Does The Narcissist Blow Hot and Cold? Part One
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“I don’t get it, one minute he is all smiles and cuddles and the next he acts like he doesn’t know me.”
“I don’t know what is going on. Earlier in the week he wanted to hang out with me and now when I call to make arrangements he doesn’t seemed bothered.”
“He was in a foul mood and then suddenly he was being really nice to me and I have no idea why.”
Familiar sentiments? Most likely they are when you are dealing with our kind. Why is it that one moment everything is wonderful and the next it all goes wrong? Why are there periods of elation and then periods of erosion? Why are we so inconsistent in the way that we behave with you? Let’s begin with the Intimate Partner Primary Source, the most common recipient of this behaviour.
The Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”)
Whether you are our wife, boyfriend, partner or lover, the IPPS will find themselves subject to this vacillating behaviour.
The Seduction Golden Period
Once you have been installed as the primary source, following your seduction as an intimate partner secondary source, you reap the rewards of being our primary source of fuel, the apple of our eye and the light of our life. There will be only the heat of manufactured passion, the warmth of apparent caring and the fire of fabricated desire during this period.
During this golden period our fury (which is expanded on below) is in effect capped and therefore does not manifest. This ‘capping’ occurs for two reasons. The first is that you are supplying us with positive fuel and therefore if you happened to criticise us, we are able to brush it off because (a) we are being well fuelled in a positive manner and (b) we regard you as ‘white’ ; you are wonderful and our mind set is such that the criticism does not have the same effect. Secondly, even if we began to react to your criticism, we exert control because we do not want to lose you at this juncture and we want the positive fuel to keep flowing (we do not want your negative fuel at this point). There is also the issue that you are highly unlikely to cause a criticism because of the way you are responding to us during this golden period.
Accordingly, it is extremely rare to see us blow hot and cold during seduction for these reasons. You might find a reaction from a Lesser Narcissist who is criticised early in the golden period, who cannot exert sufficient control and accordingly he erupts, but it is extremely rare.
The Devaluation Period
This is when the alternating between hot and cold commences and there are a variety of reasons why this happens.
The first occurs in The Instant and is as a consequence of the ignition of fury. If you say (or more likely) do something which is perceived by us as criticism, it wounds us. Bear in mind that it may not seem like a criticism from your perspective, indeed you are usually at a complete loss as to why we have reacted as we have done. The blowing hot and cold which occurs in The Instant is naturally your fault.
Whatever it is that you have said or done, it has been perceived as a criticism. This wounds us and our self-defence mechanism is for the churning fury that is ever present, to be ignited. This happens more often with Lesser and Mid-Range narcissists because those members of our brethren are unable to control their fury with the same skill and discipline as the Greaters.
This ignited fury may manifest as heated fury as we erupt and call you names, break things, slam doors, hit you and such like. Accordingly, all was going well and you cause a criticism and our volcanic rage erupts as the situation becomes super-heated. Alternatively, this ignited fury emerges as cold fury whereby you are subjected to a baleful glare, being cold shouldered and treated to silent treatments. Thus the situation becomes ice-cold.
In the blink of an eye, you have unbalanced the situation through your criticism. Our reaction is based on self-defence. Since you are in the devaluation period, the ‘cap’ on our fury that existed during the seduction period has been removed. Accordingly, it is only a matter of time before you do or say something which ignites our fury and boom, we react. One minute we are enjoying a family film and the next we have thrown the popcorn across the room and are glaring at you from our armchair.
The reason the fury ignites is to cause an intense reaction so that you react to it and provide us with fuel (or others do who witness the explosion). Usually, the ignited fury is directed towards the person who has caused the criticism by way of punishment and the need to cause them to atone for their transgression. By insulting you, striking you, spitting at you, shoving you, glaring at you, sitting and sulking we are aiming to prompt an emotional response from you. This provides us with fuel. Once you provide us with fuel, the wound you have caused is healed and our ignited fury abates. Consequently, we then carry on as if nothing has happened. Accordingly, in the space of a few minutes we go from calm to furious and then calm again. We have blown hot and cold and of course it has to be your fault because we are never at fault in our minds.
That is how we blow hot and cold in an instant and whilst theoretically this could happen at any stage in the narcissistic cycle it happens most with the IPPS during the devaluation.
We also blow hot and cold with you over an elongated period because of the need for contrast. Isaac Newton’s Third Law stated
” For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
Whilst this was directed in the field of physics, this is of equal application to the narcissistic dynamic. We have to create contrast in order to derive the most potent fuel. If we dig a ditch which is ten feet deep and shove you into it, you will probably be hurt as you fall into the ditch. If we build a tower thirty feet high next to the pit and push you from the top of the tower, then you have a forty foot drop and will suffer greatly owing to this starker contrast.
When we are seducing you, we are devaluing someone else.
When we are devaluing you, we are seducing somebody else.
When we allow you a Respite Period during the devaluation it is because we have turned against somebody else and thus we see you as ‘white’ once again.
When we start devaluing you again it is because we are savouring the resumption of seduction of another or perhaps starting a seduction anew with a new appliance.
It is all about creating that contrast.
If there are times where we have walked in to the house and we begin berating you from the moment we arrive you are at a loss to even identify what you could have done to cause this. The belittling commenced the moment we stepped through the doorway. What has happened is that we have been with someone else (not necessarily in an intimate way, it might have been an Non-Intimate Secondary Source, a friend) and having gained their positive fuel, it remind us of why we are devaluing you. This causes us to continue to regard you as ‘black’ and therefore we are unpleasant to you as soon as we first appear and continue being so until your emotional response fuels us and we stop.
If we are driving and we cut up another driver who we then pulls up alongside us and we swear at him and threaten to get out the car and stamp on his trachea until it bubbles, we gain negative fuel from the other driver’s frightened or upset or angry response. We can then turn to you (even in devaluation) and smile and kiss you on the cheek, to enjoy your contrasting positive response to the negative one which we have just obtained.
Accordingly, when we are seducing somebody else, we seem them as ‘white’ and thus you are ‘black’ because we need the contrast between the two of you. The IPSS we are seducing is seen as wonderful (and all the more because we despise you) and you as the IPPS are seen as awful (and all the more because we adore the IPSS). The contrast makes the fuel from both sources all the more potent.
If we decide to give you a Respite Period it may be because a NISS has been disloyal and we have devalued them, so we see your dogged loyalty as a good thing for a short time. It might be because the IPSS we have been cultivating is not delivering as we expected and whilst our disappointment in them is not sufficient to cause us to devalue them it means we will park them for the time being and you gain by getting a Respite Period.
All of the various appliances that we are connected to have an effect on one another and most of all on the IPPS.
Thus during the devaluation period you will find us behaving “okay” with you when we are neither especially pleasant or horrible, but then suddenly we shift to being unpleasant and then a Respite Period comes out of nowhere. It will appear arbitrary and inconsistent to you but there is a logic behind it.
The Discard
What about the period post discard when you were once the IPPS and you have been demoted from that heady position? We once adored you and now we do not even acknowledge you. This is because we are obsessed with the new primary source and have no interest in you anymore. This is why if you stay out of our spheres of influence and the Hoover Execution Criteria is not met, you hear nothing from us in the immediate aftermath of discard.
Then, some time later, we appear with smiles and compliments as we apply a Benign Follow-Up Hoover. Our approach to you has altered again and you have done nothing. In such an instance we are now devaluing your replacement and we want some delicious hoover fuel from you. You triggered a hoover, the Hoover Execution Criteria was met and thus we come after you for that positive hoover fuel. Deny it us and we may suddenly shift in an instant to a malign hoover, again you are puzzled as to why our attitude towards you has altered so quickly, but from our perspective it makes sense. If you have rebuffed our hoover and we have decided against withdrawal, the easiest way to gain some fuel from you (to heal the wound caused by your rebuffing criticism) is to dole out a malign hoover and seek negative fuel from you.
If you approach us when we are infatuated with our replacement, you will receive a malign hoover (if not ignored as explained in The Immediate Aftermath ) because at that time your replacement is regarded as ‘white’ thus you remain ‘black’ as the opposite and equally strong reaction.
We blow hot and cold because of the ignition of our fury in the instant and also because of this constant need to create contrasts and accord with the principle of opposite and equal reactions. This is why we engage in black and white thinking, it enables us to create the contrast that our needs demand and consequently causes us to blow hot and cold with you. Sometimes the hot appears as passion and desire, other times as rage, sometimes the cold appears as indifference and disinterest and other times it is a silent treatment and ignoring you. So long as there is a contrast, we will blow hot and cold.
The effects of blowing hot and cold are as follows:-
- First and most importantly the gathering of fuel. This is to power the construct and also in certain instances to heal the wound caused by your criticism;
- To maintain control over you;
- To underline our omnipotence by being able to control you;
- To emphasise our notion of superiority;
- To disorientate you so you give fuel and fail to comprehend what is happening;
- To create an apparent lack of consistency which prevents your understanding and adds to your confusion;
- To prevent you from being able to move forward because you are emotional, confused and disorientated.
All of the above fits together so that there will be wheels within wheels as we blow hot and cold with you.
Part Two examines why we blow hot and cold with the Intimate Partner Secondary Source, the Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source and the Non-Intimate Secondary Source which includes the familial narcissistic dynamic.
54 thoughts on “Why Does The Narcissist Blow Hot and Cold? Part One”
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NarcAngel
I see your point, but that’s not how I interpreted his remark (though it probably was how he meant it).
I read it that we are all of us (all people) addicted to something. That being addicted to something is just human nature. But maybe I just feel that way because I personally have an addictive personality and it is human nature to assume others are like us.
As to your question – I think the answer depends on if there is abuse and a victim getting hurt. When a person has a non-abusive relationship with a narc, then it can be a win-win. But those type of relationships can’t involve intimacy. They’d also have to be secondary or tertiary, in my opinion.
Windstorm
Youre right-I should clarify. I was referring to the narc/empath dynamic and more specifically what I witness of those in a romantic entanglement.
HG, thank you for sharing your knowledge. I have an extremely narcissistic daughter, and your teaching is helping me build ways to understand her abismal treatment of me and her dad and deal with her much more effectively. So effectively in fact that she has begun fully devaluing and discarding her father and me. I now don’t see this as a problem to be fixed. After years of abuse, being discarded is a treat. Because of your unique way of explaining life from a narcissistic point of view, I’m finally able to suppress the notion that if I just try hard enough I will gain her respect and love. I now see that cannot happen and I choose to move on. As a side note that you may find interesting, she literally replaced us in the space of less than a week. She found a new boyfriend, and immediately pegged his family as a replacement family that she prefers above her father and me. After dating him for less than a week, she moved into their home as their son’s consort, and hasn’t been back since, except to retrieve some of her belongings, and of course to point out how wonderful they are and how terrible we are. Some may ask how weird it is for a family to allow such a drastic move, but then most people don’t realize how devastatingly charming a true narcissist can be. And believe me, she can charm the pants off anyone she chooses to. And it doesn’t hurt her cause that she is physically very beautiful. However, given what I know now, if she ever starts acting nice toward us again, I’m sure my only response is going to be to resist/ignore her. It’s not easy for an extreme empath like me to set aside emotion in such a big way in favor of hard logic, but our survival demands it. Thanks again for the tools, HG. I greatly appreciate you.
How does your fury feel inside? Is it similar to how our anger feels? You say that it’s always churning inside; what does that feel like?
Also, when normal people get angry, they can subject someone to a silent treatment, too. How does this differ from a narcissist’s fury being ignited and then giving the silent treatment to someone?
I also have a question unrelated to your fury. Why is it that some narcissists do take you through the narcissistic channels (Golden Period, Devaluation, etc.) in order to entangle you and other narcissists just go straight to Devaluation and start trying to hurt you right away, never initiating a courting or dating period – it’s like they go straight to the hateful part of the interaction, sometimes upon the very first meeting. And this is regardless if it is a one-off situation or a recurring social situation.
I ask because now that I’m getting better at spotting your kind, I’ll have someone that I’ve never met sit beside me, observe me for a VERY short period of time, and then suddenly try to say or do something to draw a negative reaction from me. When I don’t give them the reaction they want, I’ll watch their expression turn from arrogance to, what I perceive anyway, as either anger or frustration, then they’ll leave me alone. What is that about? Is it that whole tertiary source effect?
HG….In your ways of teaching..How does all of this help us to heal. It would be great to know What the hell is a Narcissist and how they operate before we got involved. Do you think many of us would of gotten involved with your kind if we knew?? Do you think we had our rights taken away from us? How did you put a spell on us and have us sired to you..Yes, eventually many of us got out. Some in months other in years Fucking 20 or so years. Then there are others of us, born into a family with narcs as our siblings or who are raising US. HG Why are you here?? You have no remorse, empathy, emotional humanity switch. No real joy or happiness. JUST A DRUG ADDICT living off of Human beings emotions. YOU do this with intent over and over. If you are not serving a spiritual life of some belief system, WHO are you serving besides yourself? Evil? There are many speculations that this has to do with demonic possession. Do you every feel that something has a hold on you. I know you have the knowledge theories of right wrong and Wrong feels right to you…Why are you here. What do you believe before you were born and after…Thank you for your reply and teaching…
Healing Victim
These articles may help provide some answers:
1. You have no rights.
https://narcsite.com/2018/03/27/the-narcissistic-covenant-8/https://narcsite.com/2018/04/30/consent-6/https://narcsite.com/2017/05/12/i-object-3/
2. Magic Spell and on being Sired.
https://narcsite.com/2018/06/05/the-golden-period-5/
https://narcsite.com/2018/02/18/bound-9/
Healing is the by-product of replacing emotional thinking with logic (accurate information) and implementing no contact, which is what HG teaches.
A narcissist is a person who is wired to have a different perspective and operate in a very specific way; it is a self-defense mechanism and you can read all about it here.
IMO, HG is here, like all of us, to perpetuate the human species. He is not wired for empathy, joy or happiness; he needs fuel and power to survive. He is not evil; he is solipsistic and is programmed to ONLY serve himself. Pathological narcissism is, essentially, an addiction to fuel, not a demonic possession, and he has no choice but to behave like a narcissist. The only thing that has a hold on him is The Creature, which is the root cause of the addiction.
After death, he believes there is nothing.
Many of us would not get involved with a narcissist if we TRULY understood what they are.
K
I like what you said.
Any addiction can be looked at like one is possessed by a demonic entity, look at what some will do to have a cigarette and if they don’t get there break….
Hell one doesn’t have to be addictic to be told they are possessed, just “see” the world differently then mainstream society.
Twilight
I agree. My MMRN occasionally told me that I would have been burned at the stake for witchcraft if I had been born centuries ago. Sometimes, he didn’t like that I had a different perspective and was strongly opinionated.
K
Have I “seen” you somewhere else?
I was on another site and someone commented back to me and I thought of you.
Twilight
It wasn’t me; I am only on narcsite. Is the other site any good?
Of course it’s not!
Oh, come on, HG. Other sites can be good. Just not nearly AS good. lol!
Ha ha, there’s only ONE site, you all know that!
Certainly only one IMPORTANT site. But the presence of other sites makes Narcsite shine all the more, HG!
I wasn’t on a site dedicated to narcissism, just a lot of back and forth and it is plain as day they are dealing with one of HGs kind so I put a bug in their ear and someone recognised the link and said it was excellent link. I actually thought of a couple of people K was the first. If they are here that person will now know both names I go by sense Twilight was already being used there.
I am in many places and always recommend HGs work to read if I believe it will help someone and if it doesn’t someone else may read it and become curious and come check this site out.
There are so many out there hurting and stumbling in the dark running in circles all they need is a direction.
HG
Ha ha ha…you make me laugh! My curiosity got the best of me and I had to ask Twilight what the competition was like, however, Narcsite is numero uno, IMO.
K
There is no competition HG has it hands down for accuracy.
Thank you,Twilight
I was wondering how the other site measured up. It won’t be long before narcsite is the # 1 blog IMO.
K and Twilight
I agree with u both. Most narcs are not evil or possessed. They are just emotion-blind to some emotions and lack empathy. While many do leave a trail of devastation in their wake, so do lots of well-meaning, non-narcs. We just have to learn how to identify and deal with narcissists just like we do with any potentially hurtful people.
And I’d surely be one of those burned-at-the-stake people. I was just out this afternoon performing a pre-solstice ritual with my Wiccan friend at a CrakerBarrel north of Nashville. At one point she actually danced around me while waving a pine branch under a large pine tree in the parking lot. Visions of us being questioned for sanity were running thru my mind! I certainly cast no stones at others!
WS
Once you get the ET under control, it all makes sense. My IRL field work has made me realize that they have no idea what they are or why they behave the way they do. It is instinct and that is their “normal”. My empath/narc traits are instinct and my “normal”, too. We are more alike then we realize and, also, worlds apart.
You are right WS; we just need to identify them and protect ourselves.
Wicca is fascinating and, together, we can form a coven and dance under the moon skyclad as part of a summer solstice ritual…. do you think Twilight would be interested in joining us?
K
Hey, come up with a ritual by Thursday and I’m game! I’ll be home the whole day to bond with the elements and focus on my spirituality.
WS
I am on it, like white on rice!
K
I have danced under the light of the moon many times….
Twilight
Skyclad or clothed?
K
Depends on the energy of the night.
Twilight
Ha ha ha….thanks for the laugh.
K
I would be considered a Shaman vs a witch, yet I am neither. I have always had an interest in different religions and beliefs and learning different ways people practice them.
Yet I have always practice that which has come natural to me.
Twilight
That’s me as well. I would never think of myself as a witch, but more of a shaman also. Energy and spiritualism transcends individual religions to me. I pull what works for me from every religion that I encounter. So really what I am is a heretic. Lol!
Windstorm
I definitely would have been burned at the stake if I was born earlier in our history.
I am not going to say when people looked at me with contempt because I wasn’t a “true” follower of Christianity, rejection always hurts, it was thou a test of standing firm with truth and not my honest opinion of myself.
I am definitely not a follower….it took a long time for me not to feel ashamed for being different.
K I think you would make a good moderator for HG. He could do with the help too.
Thank you, tigerchelle78
HG is quite busy and I enjoy interacting with the other bloggers. Hopefully, the articles will provide the answers they are looking for.
I only read narcsite too regarding this subject. Here I found the right answer to quench my curiosity about narcissism written in the manner that closely resembles my suspicion.
I’ve read/listened to many of HG Tudor’s books and the more I delve in them the more I want to know about his conversations with his doctors and what the doctors have noted in his medical files. That is the most intriguing part and not detailed enough.
Mr. Tudor, you stated that you very much fancy Dr. O. Have you had a date or did you sleep with her yet?
No, I have not. I think you mean, she fancies me.
No, I meant you because I reasonably concluded that you liked her when you stated that she would “..taste clean…
the way “.. she crossed her legs…” one time during a consultation with you, her face, make up and hair do…” Words to that effect means you have thought about her and what you would do to her.
When will you ask her out on a date?
The best therapist for a narcissist is one that cant be duped or charmed. Someone who is very educated in narcissism and wont let their feelings cloud their professionslism. Someone well grounded and who has no major issues of their own that could interfere with therapy.
Ive heard many a story where a couple one of which is a narc will go to therapy only to have the therapist duped and under the narcissists control. Education in narcissism is key and a non narcissistic therapist.
I love your post, K.
Thanks, E.B.
My LT has finally taken over my ET. Phew!
I was looking forward to reading a romantic story between HG Tudor and Dr. O. Yes I know about the possibility of a perceived improper doctor-patient relationship. But when did that stop two professional narcissists pursuing one another. One opportunity missed!
Hi catherine…that reminds me of the therapist and tony soprano in the sopranos. There was a chemistry there but again i think she was becoming “duped”. Sorry to be a romantic killjoy lol i think ive been on narcsite too long and my fantasy bubbles been popped 😄
I want to see a scenerio where a narc goes to a therapist who knows all about narcissism and dupes the narcissist into getting actual therapy. I think in many cases tho a therapist would eventually see it as futile and end services.
Chihuahuamum
“You can lead a horse to water….”. Of course in the case of narcs even that’s hard since they’d be water-phobic horses. lol!
Chihuahuamum
‘I want to see a scenerio where a narc goes to a therapist who knows all about narcissism and dupes the narcissist into getting actual therapy.’ Yes, that would be an interesting story line.
Where Mr. Tudor is concerned he introduced a subject and has left this Tudor/Dr.O cliffhanger; an unattended story in his subsequent books. There are other story lines which I would like to see complete. I want to know more about his conversations with the docs too which were partly introduced in earlier articles.
Start writing Mr. T and I might just let you dedicate one of your books to me … wink… more work less play!
💫💫💫
So Dam Time Consuming My NARCISSIST FRIEND Has Really Been Pulling This NONSENSE Non Stop On Me LATELY Ever Since I Let Him Know That I Know What He Is, And Why He Choose Me , I CALL Him Out On His Rotten BEHAVIOR Now !🚽🚽🚾🚮🚬🐺👎🐍👹🐜!I Always Saw This Moodiness As Something That Could Be Dangerous ! But What With Your KNOWLEDGE HG EVERYTHING Has A New Spin On This Toxic BEHAVIOR !🐍👎💡🔭🔦🔎🚬🐺👹🌈🌈🌈🌈!
It’s So Dam Time Consuming My. GOD , What Kind Of An Existence Is This ? There Is No Time For Anything else But Head Games , My MALE NARCISSIST FRIEND Has Really Been Pulling This NONSENSE Non Stop Mostly Since I Let Him Know That Know What He Is, Why He Choose Me &I Call Him Out On His Rotten BEHAVIOR Now I Always Saw His MOOD’S As Dangerous And Highly Toxic To My Health !🚾🚭🚮!Hg, Now Put A New Meaning To The INSANITY ! Thanks Hg !!🔎🔦💡🔭🌈
HG, I have 2 question to ask, please…
You stated (above, within paragraph # 4, under “Discard” section): “Sometimes the hot appears as passion and desire…”
1) Are you saying that passion/desire can be the main (maybe nearly entire?) NEGATIVE fuel system that some narcissists will utilize from their IPPS? 2) So I guess this explains why some empaths state the sexual arena was great. Do you think this adequately explains why some empaths can’t point to much “negative treatment/devaluation periods” by the narcissist?
This may be a light bulb moment for me. I didn’t catch this the first time I read this.
I guess only another “hot and cold” type person would really understand this….
Can see why you would need a more steady and consistent empath to do this to. No way it would work with a borderline. We are just too similar albeit somewhat of a different fashion.
This is spot on HG.
Thank you
HG are you a drug addict? Addicted to our human emotions of sucking the life out of Human-beings…
We are all addicts.
“ We are all addicts”
Yes. I am seeing that more and more. The narc as the dealer using his own supply. Addicted to giving the addict what they want so that they keep coming back to him to supply his high. The empath as the heroin (hope) addict chasing that initial high and putting all logic aside for just one more hit.
They feed each other. Is there a victim?
IMO
Only from perspective, yet I volunteered last time, I just don’t see myself as a victim.
NarcAngel
You nailed it! Hope addict…I love it! Just one more narc hit will be enough, I swear!
That was a yes…” healing victim”. We may be addicts of perhaps spending too much time on our mobile phones or drinking too much coffee…but HG, from first thing in the morning til last thing at night, is geared ONLY to picking up fuel…. it is a full-time addiction 24 hours a day, non-stop…. some addictions take over our lives, however I’m very impressed the fact that HG manages to fit everything else in aswell as have this addiction. He is definately one of a kind in that respect!
Yuppers just like the whore blog. We feed off one another and if one didnt theyd leave. What are you addicted to and why? That answer is your freedom.