Should I Get In Touch With the Narcissist?
The creation of anxiety and uncertainty are twin concerns which we engender in much of what we do. Both have the effect of stopping you from doing things, preventing you from analysing matters in an effective way and ultimately from helping yourself to escape our hold. One way of doing this is through the Prior Warning Silent Treatment. Now, it is our usual fashion, when applying a silent treatment not to tell you what we are doing. If it is a Present Silent Treatment, we remain in close proximity to you but we do not speak or respond to you. You soon realise that it is a silent treatment but you were not fore-warned. The Absent Silent Treatment is where we absent ourselves from your presence. We may just walk off, we may leave as expected but then stay away or we may just not turn up when expected and it often is a short while before you realise that you are being subjected to a silent treatment, you just think initially that you cannot contact us or we must be busy and it is only later that you realise we are giving you an Absent Silent Treatment,
The Prior Warning Silent Treatment relies on telling you that we do not want you to contact us but it is still not immediately obvious that it is a silent treatment that is being meted out towards you. Consider these phrases, for instance: –
“I will be in meetings all day so don’t contact me.”
“I will be sleeping so don’t call me. I will call you when I am ready.”
“There is a poor signal in the area so I will be incommunicado for most of the trip.”
“I need some space for myself, so please don’t get in touch. I will ring you.”
“I have a lot to do today so don’t call or message me.”
They all seem like legitimate reasons for not being in touch for a period of time but when uttered by us what we are really telling you is,
“Time for a silent treatment and I wonder how long you can cope with it?”
The timing of this Prior Warning Silent Treatment is the key to recognising it. First of all, it is less likely that we will say the things above during the seduction unless they are actually true, but there will be a Comforting Caveat attached to the statement. Accordingly,
“I will be in meetings all day so don’t contact me, but I will pop out and give you a call when I get a chance, because you know how much I miss you.”
“I will be sleeping so don’t call me. I will call you about 8 o’clock. If you haven’t heard from me by then, do ring me.”
“There is a poor signal in the area so I will be incommunicado for most of the trip, so I will find a landline on which you can reach me and will let you know what it is as soon as I can. I wish you were coming with me. I hate being apart from you.”
“I have a lot to do today so don’t call or message me, until 1pm please unless of course it is an emergency, but I will message you when I can because I miss you.”
Notice how there is no talk of needing space. This is because we do not want space from you during the seduction, far from it. Indeed, we will reluctantly accept an enforced absence from you during seduction and if possible try to re-arrange appointments and the like to ensure we spend time with you.
The Prior Warning Silent Treatment is doled out during devaluation and when there are specific circumstances. We do this when we know that you have concerns that we are interested romantically in someone else, that we are spending time with someone else and our motives (and theirs) are unclear. In essence, when we are triangulating you (although you probably will not realise this is what is happening) we will issue the PWST. We do this because it enables us to wield power over you by telling you and controlling you in terms of whether are permitted to engage with us. It also means that you are told there will be a silence (although you won’t necessarily know that it is a silent treatment) from the beginning. We know this will cause you to wonder whether the silence is real and thus your anxiety will begin. You will feel uncertain about whether we really are non-contactable and whether we are doing something else. The problem is, we know you only have a suspicion and nothing concrete.
Accordingly, when you know we are apparently uncontactable you wonder who we are with and what we are doing. This makes you anxious. This provides us with fuel even though we do not witness it because we know how you will be feeling. We know that: –
You will be toying with messaging us to see if it is received
You will be toying with messaging us to see if it is read
You want to ring our mobile to see if it actually rings
You want to ring from a withheld number to see if we answer and if you can discern any background noises
You check our social media profile to see if there have been any updates there when we are supposedly unable to contact anyone.
You are torn between wanting to get rid of the anxiety and find out what is really going on and the risk of getting it wrong and upsetting us. You fear that we have an interest in someone else and we are actually spending time with them. If you do not do something, this time is unchallenged. This other person may not know about you but if you get in touch with us and make yourself known, then you are laying down a marker to the other person and possibly warning them away from us. You will also find evidence of us having lied which you will want to use against us. At this stage you have no desire to be rid of us. On the contrary the devaluation is such that you want things to work out and return to the golden period again, but you cannot stand this uncertainty. You wish you could make a decision but what if we have told the truth and you interrupt us in a meeting? Not only will we furious with you, we may well hold it against you in the future (you are damn right we will). But then again, if we are with someone else and perhaps we know that you suspect and you do nothing about it, we might think you do not care and do not want to fight to keep us? It is quite remarkable the effect uncertainty and anxiety can have on someone who is being made to feel steadily more and more insecure.
All the while we are drawing fuel from this. If we have told the truth, we gain fuel knowing you will be anxious. More likely it is a lie and we are either with someone else or just wanting to be away from you. In either instance more fuel is gathered and we exert our control over you by this Prior Warning Silent Treatment. You have the dilemma of whether you should contact us. What would you do?
61 thoughts on “Should I Get In Touch With the Narcissist?”
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H.G.
In true borderline form. Question😊 I didn’t know we were allowed to post testimonies. Where and how can I post my testimony?
This comment might disqualify me, but I’ve changed because of my Lord Jesus Christ for leading me to your site. Yes, God loves you too. He doesn’t call the qualified, no they are no good.
If I do not make it to the testimony section H.G. I hope you know how much I value your work and it’s been a life saver for me…😢 We struggle daily trying to ascertain what we could have changed or done better. (Nothing) Stuck on….needing closer and it’s all here.
Your kind may be designed to kill , steal, and destroy. I thank God for the people behind the scenes that’s making this all happen.
With Regards
Thank you Yolo, there is a testimony section in the menu bar. You can also add your own by commenting on that page or in the about section
HG
Re:Testimonials
Good to know. I have been meaning to ask about the process. Wondered if it was something submitted via email for your approval and selection like the Letters to the Narcissist.
Thank you Yolo for raising the subject.
Thanks, I’ve been disconnected. I was scrolling/ trolling and came upon testimonies.
DBT is working, I signed up for second session. But, as before I would be remiss to not mention you and others for my progress.
I thank you for the post you held and allowing me to maintain my self respect.
As always, I support your efforts and consider this blog as a viable charity albeit may not have 501 c3 status in U.S. I am always open to contribute by spreading awareness on sites or other services.
With Regards,
L
HG how do you truly get over this? It has been over two years since my narcissist ghosted and I subsequently went no contact and I still feel like he just might message me, even though the likelihood at this point is slim. It still feels like yesterday that he was here.
You arrange a consultation with me and I will ensure you move forward.
Hello HG,
So in the scenario as a SSIP when the last liaison many months ago resulted in me providing copious amounts of positive and challenge fuel and I get a prior warning silent treatment. Can I expect a response eventually or is it just him attempting to assert control again?
I messaged asking to advice about an important matter, he being an expert. I offered to meet for coffee / dinner next time he is around.
He was very pleasnt in his response, of course he will help me, he’s going on holiday that day but ‘should’ reply the next morning (today). He finished the reply, anything for Alexis. He didn’t reply as per his timescale.
I have other options ( he doesn’t know)
Is this a silent treatment or will he get back to me eventually ?
Sounds more like you are on the shelf and he will hoover you off the shelf in accordance with the HT and HEC.
Awwww thank you HG !! I only just saw this.
I don’t receive notifications from wp any more ?
I received the response I wanted which was helpful, with a promise of a second one whoch would have been even more helpful. The second response hasn’t come my way.
But I shall wait patiently on the shelf now until HEC is met. In accordance with his terms grrrrrr
That was mind opening! Thank you!
Is there a particular fuel source the PWST tool is used against?
Primary and secondary. Most often the IPPS.
Thank you!
One could interrupt the meeting with a call …anyway , He will be sweet if he answers because of his facade for the people in the meeting. He will say ,” honey , I’m in a meeting I will have to call you back .” because he doesn’t want to sound like an asshole in front of the clients . Or the empath makes sure she is having fun on her own and leaves him be .
Aha – so that is what all of those times were about! Thank you so much!
Is the PWST used on all kinds of fuel supply?
Here’s the short answer. No! I just tried it and it was a complete debacle. Don’t do it you’ll be sorry! Now if I could just comply with my own advice, I’d be golden lol.
Miss Lori! Wasn’t I on some thread recently with you where I told you to be careful about stuff that was being placed in your pathway? And somewhere, maybe even on the same thread, I wrung my hands over OMJ dining — twice in one day — with a probable narcissist (since then, I’ve heard nothing from her, so that surely can’t be good!).
Is this summertime passions run amuck…or am I unknowingly speaking Dutch lately??
LOL.
Ok, so you fell off the NC horse… so back on you go!
P.S. Lori~Don’t forget that you learned a bit more about yourself through this… if I remember correctly, you were feeling rather sad/down right before you contacted him, so it confirms you’re especially susceptible to the narcissist when you’re feeling like that. When I was in the FR, I broke up with the narcissist several times, and keeping busy with good things was especially helpful, so that I didn’t go back… he’d eventually come to me and be super sweet, so I’d acquiesce, but that’s another story. But my point is that understanding yourself more and more only builds your defenses later against narcissists, so it’s not all bad.
Caroline, you are so right about paying attention to how you are feeling right before you contact him. I spent a few months keeping track of my moods and realized that my pattern was to miss him on weekday afternoons went I’d feel lonely and down because that was when we would usually see each other or be chatting. He was part of my routine. Those periods of missing him got further and further apart, and now I look forward to busy mornings working and having down time or doing something fun in the afternoons. I don’t even think about him anymore except when I am on this site, but I don’t miss him and no longer keep track of my moods.
Good for you, SMH~~that’s fabulous! 🙂
When I was in the FR, I was most susceptible when I got all sentimental — when my mind reflected on the romantic times and dwelled on how he could be so tender with me (okay, that was just an agenda on his part, but I sure didn’t know that then).
Self-awareness is at least half the battle, IMO. If we can figure out our side of things (our feelings/moods; what we’re strongly reacting to and why; any past baggage we have, etc.), it’s freeing. We can see much more clearly how we’re getting caught up in something unhealthy… and then we have a chance at working on what’s in our best interests to change.
I do think it’s true that narcissists show us things about ourselves that are often deeply buried. It would be better if birds in the forest could enlighten us, but we get narcissists instead, lol. 😉
I agree, Caroline. We have to ask ourselves how we are contributing to the situation and not be helpless. It took me awhile to shine a light on myself, but when I did it all became clear that it wasn’t him that I missed as much as it was the routine he had conditioned me to. I know that conditioning is part of the whole narc relationship but once I could see it clearly it was easier to continue to disengage. Keeping track of my moods also helped me to get through six months of NC, which is what finally broke most of the spell. I do think he brought out parts of me that no one else had ever tapped, and that part was good because it was about growth. I also think I brought out parts of him that no one else had tapped. But because he lacks introspection and wouldn’t express any vulnerability or emotions (truly deep issues with intimacy and bonding), there was no way to have a conversation about it.
I can really relate to what you’re saying, SMH. And YES — on us bringing out parts of them that nobody else has. He has told me this specifically (in the FR and Hoovering), as have his close family members and friends, and I’ve truly seen it…hands down, this is my greatest current struggle, in feeling (my Achilles Heel) some guilt about this (twinges of thinking maybe I can help him, and like I’ve abandoned him). It’s what I’m still working on, internally. Because even if I can do that to some degree, his psyche still fights it… so I can’t heal him. I have to go with my logical thinking.
He has been able to converse with me on some on pretty deep aspects and admit emotional things… but my experience is that he then retreats/pretends later like it (and our convo) never even happened (blows my mind).
Yes, Caroline, always the retreat. It’s called ‘approach/avoid’ in psychological parlance and it’s an intimacy issue. I often felt like mine was a wild animal and I had to hold really still, let him come to me, and not make any sudden moves. But it would only work briefly and I would know the exact moment he’d retreat. Once I even made an appointment with a therapist before the retreat because I knew it was coming. In fact, our closest time together was followed by a big blow up that unraveled everything because things had changed but he was desperate to get them back on track (that is, to hold me at arm’s length). It’s pretty sad, but they are built differently from normal people and there is nothing to be done. Once I realized that his brain wiring was fixed, it became easier to stop feeling guilty that I couldn’t give him what he needed. No one can.
Sad but true, SMH.
Caroline
“It would be better if birds in the forest could enlighten us, but we get narcissists instead, lol. ”
Think there’s a great mental image there – maybe when we hear something disappointing (or don’t hear at all) from our narcs, we should imagine them as birds chattering above our heads in the trees. 😝
Windstorm
Re:narc birds.
Ok, but don’t look up.
Oh splat!
I like it, Windstorm 🙂
Lori – Oh No! What happened if you don’t mind my asking? It’s happened to me too before…and been a complete debacle. We all have our weak moments, it’s to be expected.
I personally am very good at convincing myself that it’s ok to reach out at times because I’m long distance and “it’ll just be a text, no big deal.” Except then I get the anxiety going and then he responds like the jerk that he is…and I get myself down.
Deep breath, re-focus, vent here. Moving forward is the only way right?
I have to laugh, Supernova, because I too was long distance part of the time, and even when I wasn’t it would feel like I was. I would also think it was no big deal to reach out, and I too would react the way you did – extreme anxiety followed by disappointment. I remember the first time he made me really nervous. We were in different countries and he was supposed to be coming to my city but hadn’t given me a date. I emailed and his response was so curt (‘when I know, you’ll know’) that I became afraid to initiate any contact. Exactly what he wanted. Then he suddenly showed up a week later with no warning. HERE I AM! Such bizarre behavior, but all about control.
“Oh, really, dude? Well, listen carefully to how you’ll know how I feel about that…”
Click.
🙂
(Yes, that’s pretty much how I “behaved” with my ex-BF narcissist…needless to say, we had lots of drama, lol).
Caroline, We had lots of drama too. Had he just left me alone at any point there would have been no drama. But he wouldn’t leave me alone. The thing is, he wanted the drama and yours probably did too. It generates heat (as I told mine post-escape) and that is fuel. But I did not realize all of this at the time…
SMH
“Had he just left me alone…”
Yes. That’s my goal. I’m NC, but he’s not — so it’s hardly NC. I’m in containment mode… which is probably just a stall on future chaos. I’m waiting for him to tire of this and hoping he doesn’t up the ante.
SMH and Caroline,
Just circled back to this article and saw your comments!
But when you gave the attitude back what did they do?!?!
Mine always vanished…literally, left conversation without warning. Sometimes he’d read my texts and not respond, sometimes he’d leave them unread for hours and hours. This led me to believe he hated drama and conflict, and I should just keep things even keeled. Only toward the end when the mask was slipping, did he tell me the drama was his hook (along with openly calling his stepdaughter a bitch and whore to me, and his wife a c u next Tuesday…very against his polite façade)
Supernova DE, Sometimes he would calm me. Sometimes disappear. It depended on if it was an attack or not. The only time we had tension in person was the last time we saw each other. I made him delete our thousands of emails, found one of his fake FB profiles, and told him he had a personality disorder. He denied the fake profile, said he had not saved the emails (they were there), and commented that ‘everyone has a personality disorder.’ His mask was slipping all over the place.
He was very calm on the surface. I’d called him everything under the sun, including a psychopath (post escape) when he did exactly what you describe – vanished from a conversation. Even after that he wanted to see me but I think he was trying to head off a supernova explosion – i.e. me burning down his house or boiling his dog and surprising him with a knife in the back – hahaha. I kind of enjoyed this part because even though I was upset, I was also done and did not have to hold back.
The drama was your narc’s hook and it was my narc’s hook. If yours is a mid range cerebral, like mine, he will do this mostly with passive aggressive behavior (e.g. leaving a conversation). Mine was so good at covering it up that I didn’t recognize it for the longest time.
Speaking of kids, only one of my narc’s kids was home, the others studied overseas. You’d think he would have been eager to spend time with them when they were home. But he would present them as monitoring him or as obligations. He also insulted one when he barely knew me (nothing like bitch or whore – more about not being ‘special’ enough). I do think IPPS used the kids (all girls) to try to control him. But they know something is not right. They do not try to interact with him on social media (neither does IPPS). Not a nice situation for anyone.
Anyway, everything this type of narc does and says is designed to protect their self-esteem and cause confusion.
SMH,
Yes, agree with you on all of it, they loooove to keep you guessing. I also told mine I knew his diagnosis (though didn’t say NPD outright), I think he might know it too. Sometimes I wonder with the smart ones how much they know and how that knowledge might actually give them a freedom to continue in a “I can’t help it, it’s just the way I am,” mentality. Ultimately it doesn’t matter, shitty behavior is shitty behavior.
When you say, “I often felt like mine was a wild animal and I had to hold really still, let him come to me, and not make any sudden moves. But it would only work briefly and I would know the exact moment he’d retreat. ” OMG, just this exactly!!!! And I agree, it only worked briefly, and he’d still retreat even when I was on my best behavior. Admittedly, I never was able to pull off such good behavior for long haha.
I’ve been reading about attachment styles and all manner of other psych things as results of tangents I go off of from comments here…it’s a good thing in the end because it teaches me about myself also, and how and why I am the way I am.
In a way I’m grateful to my narc for making me aware of NPD, and to HG so I know the prevalence, as my kids are still too young to date, but when they do, I feel prepared to recognize warning signs for them.
Sorry, Supernova DE!
That last (lengthy) comment of mine on here was meant as a reply to you, not SMH…but I can see where you may not think so, since I addressed it to SMH, twice! LOL. Sorry…
Multi-tasking at its finest!
Supernova DE, Hmmm. Intimacy issues or fuel? I have also thought about this. I watched very, very carefully when mine wanted to resume the FR after 6 months NC. I was calm, collected, happy, well behaved, living my life. He love bombed for 10 days and then retreated. I did nothing other than respond to him. I think once during that time I invited him over but I said it didn’t matter – that I was fine either way.
When I declined to return to the FR I said it was because I didn’t want to be in an affair anymore but later I expanded and described to him his approach/avoid, oppositional behavior, which made me feel like I always have whiplash. I called it ‘the battle’ in his head. He said, what battle? I said, the one in your head. He said, about what? I said, good question. Was he gaslighting (if that is the right term) or was he completely unaware? I don’t know but it was above my pay grade to figure it out.
I think that has to be the final conclusion for us. We are not equipped to fix it or even to understand its root causes. As you say, shitty behavior is shitty behavior. Psychologists might call it approach/avoid or intermittent reinforcement, it might be unconscious but it also might be deliberate. In any case, the end result is fuel.
I learned a lot about myself too. Usually, I am the avoidant in relationships, but he turned me into a codependent love devotee for awhile!
Seriously, it’s like they’re all the same person! I used the term “whiplash” to him many many times to describe how he made me feel. Always coming at me with professions of “I’m committed to being there for you,” and “please I need you when can you fly out here.” Then turning it around a month later like I was the one who wanted something serious and I was the one with the problem. The predictability level once you start talking to others is both comforting and disgusting all at once.
I’ll be listening to HG’s opinion of this bastard later this evening, as I just got his audio file in my email. I’m dying to know but I’m going to wait until the house is quiet and I have a glass of wine. Because a) I have the feeling HG’s voice will affect me (what is it about American women and accents?!) haha and b) I want to be able to fully process.
I am so thankful to have the people here who have had similar experiences to draw from and learn from!!!!
Supernova DE, The accent doesn’t do it for me and I am mostly American. I live in the UK half the year and my exH is British (not the MR here – he is Canadian). I just say no to audio files. Funny how HG triggers me in so many ways from his behavior to his accent, but here I stay. It’s all good training!
An anecdote re who wanted it more: I once consciously waited to see if MR would make the first move. I was hyper aware because I wanted a firm ‘answer’ and an end to the whiplash (ha). He pulled me to him and kissed me first. Later he actually said ‘you kissed me first.’ I couldn’t believe it!! He obviously realized what he had done and wanted to flip the script (always). Such a talent for denying reality – a mind fuck.
Reminds me of Trump, about whom I have some good anecdotes involving MR. The only time I ever clearly wounded him was because I teased him with a Trump gif. Trump also once got in the way of a rendezvous! I said ‘Trump ruins everything.’ LOL. My was I naive. Really MR is not grandiose or gross like Trump, but there are definitely some similarities!
Hey ya, SMH~
This is all in hindsight, from the formal relationship:
Mine actually had a pretty high tolerance level for my challenge fuel. He seemed to like my “spiritedness,” IF he felt it did not put him down in any way (which I unknowingly did at times…and then his “go to” was to try to knock me off balance with jealousy games, which isn’t very effective with my nature…OR to be suddenly very flakey/unreliable, which DOES get to me, dammit, lol!)… but as for my challenge sass, I think he liked the banter, and when we would argue, it never got rough. He’s never even raised his voice at me, let alone said anything disparaging (he’d know I’d be long gone). NOT to say he didn’t upset my extremely sensitive heart — he most certainly did, but it was all done at a lower (kind of insidious) level — like trying to confuse me…
Speaking of which, people shouldn’t discount the game of confusion with narcissists. I can recognize it now, and it makes me laugh. But when I couldn’t, it was the worst. I have a firm rule: if any human being continually confuses me (or a situation does), I ignore them/it, and/or get away from the confusion. The more I sense a game of confusion, the farther I move away, and I will detach emotionally. It no longer has any power over me.
But anyway, there was a friction created when we’d get tense/argue with each other (over nothing!)…then a very romantic making up. I have no doubt all that fueled him. Oh, and he could also get super duper icy chilly, if he was hot with anger toward me (like if he felt jealous), like I could feel it in my soul…it would unnerve me (actually could make me feel so sick to my stomach that I couldn’t eat).
He could also get very reckless with my personal safety, like in vehicles, so I know what that’s like… at the time, I couldn’t really process what he was doing, but it makes a lot of narcissistic sense to me now.
Hope this helps, SMH!
Caroline, I know this wasn’t meant for me 🙂 but I also told mine that I would never tolerate in anyone else the sort of behavior I tolerated from him. He laughed. I think he knows he’s fucked up. He just doesn’t know why. I also began to feel like we were having make up sex all the time even though there was never any obvious tension when we were together. I read somewhere that the friction you describe is what makes relationships with narcs so exciting/addictive.
SMH~
Here’s my motto on make-up sex: Why the heck not?
LOL.
But seriously, why do you think my name is “Caroline-feels-fine”?
LOL, JK!
Ok, for my real thoughts here:
– I can’t say I regret the sexual aspects.
-I can fully understand/relate to them being “addictive.”
Caroline-Feels-Fine – the sex itself was never a problem – no regrets at all. I said here somewhere that if we could have just stayed in bed all the time, it would have been fine :-). In fact, I am the one who just wanted a ‘fling.’ He made it into something more. Why? Fuel. As HG says, it ain’t the sex. It’s the fuel.
Absolutely right.
So disappointing 🙁
Yep!
Caroline,
Haha! Thank you and I realized you were talking to me!
I agree with everything you said here. Mine also liked my challenge fuel..in fact he tried to condition me to give him that by expressing that it aroused him when I was “spirited” lol…perhaps IPPS wasn’t fighting back enough for his taste?
The confusion they breed is killer. I am NOT used to being confused. In any way. My job and level of education preclude it in most ways. This bothered me so with him. I knew he did it on purpose too and told him so, not surprisingly he left the conversation at that point.
And the chilly demeanor is awful too, triggers me based on my mother ugh. I once told him he should patent his cold shoulder it was so intense and unique. But as it turns out, he isn’t unique at all.
Supernova DE,
I like your reply very much. Thank you!
I’ve yet to have a “Wow, they are all the same!” moment. I’ve seen others say it…I do not feel that way.
Part of the problem.
SMH
Guess who got yet another fake profile friend request ? Only this time he used a profile from 2013 and we have mutual friend. I contacted our mutual friend and she doesn’t know him thought he came from some of our mutual interest groups. So I guess he thought for sure she’ll accept this one. What the dumb ass doesn’t know is I belong to none of those groups anymore nor do I ever comment on any of this mutual friends stufff si there’s absolutely no way he just randomly came across me on Facebook. No way. It’s him. This has all come about since I blocked the latest profile that’s under his real name.
My God this is mind boggling but in almost certain this friend request was from him
Lori, It was from him. He is doing just enough so that you know it is him without being able to prove it. That is what mine does too. But he can’t send me a fake friend request now because I changed my privacy settings so the little friend request thing is not there anymore. No one can friend me! Ha. I also made it so that he cannot see my friends or comment on anything public. Because one thing they can do is see who commented on something and friend that person, etc, slowly making their way to you. FB is the devil if you have a narc stalker, as HG has pointed out. I didn’t believe him when I first read it. But my narc doesn’t use FB, I said to myself. Back then, I only knew of two platforms that he had used to stalk me. Now it is three – the only three I have ever been on.
My narc said many years ago that he did not have FB because too many women from his past would find him and try to friend him. He also told me that he had a stalker who would call him all the time so he had to change his phone number, which was embarrassing because his work number was his only number, so he had to go to HR etc. Pot meet kettle. It really is mind boggling.
Lori,
Man he is persistent! Were you IPPS or IPSS, I can’t recall. I got random friend request on FB right after he blocked me there, then a random follow request on IG after he blocked that too. I’m not very active on these platforms and rarely get a random so I’m guessing it was him.
I actually shut all my accounts down the last three weeks and it felt so much better just to not be checking, I had a lot of mental progress in that time.
However, I was sneaky and blocked his messages on FB before he fully blocked, so even if he tried, he won’t be able to unblock to text me…which makes me feel a bit safer.
There are more than 10 entirely blank FB profiles in my narc’s name…coincidence? Doubtful, I guess he stalks via those. I never understand it though, what can they see? Just your profile pic, I don’t think anyone posts “public” anymore. I suppose its just for control on their part.
Mine has half a dozen blank ones under his fake name. It is his clever little trick name for his email and there is absolutely no person with that name in the whole of the universe. Google keeps wanting to change the first letter of the surname and Google knows everything!! 🙂 You’d think he would have picked a more common name to get lost in a sea of common names, but he must have wanted me to know it is him…
Oh gosh, I haven’t even looked for ones under the two fake names I’ve seen him use.
Oddly, he had FB under his real name, all real contacts (we had more than 20 mutual friends). He eventually changed that profile to a fake name…but didn’t get rid of any contacts. I’m thinking, “Wow, you’re OK with all of these people who you grew up with and worked with knowing you’re a shady Mother F***er who uses a fake name on FB…that’s bold.”
He insisted his wife made him get rid of his social media at one point due to jealousy and that he had to be more covert, who knows.
I’m becoming so exhausted thinking about all these twists and turns, I really really want to not care anymore. I really really want to be able to truthfully say that I don’t want him to hoover me. I really really want to not obsess about who he’s sexting and sending pics to since it’s obviously not me anymore. I’m having a bad day haha.
We all have those bad days, Supernova! You are not alone!
I have to remember that when I escaped, I gave mine explicit permission to find another IPSS. Payback time! You ain’t all that and I don’t get jealous (never did with IPPS) – said in a very gentle way, mind you, but I knew EXACTLY what I was doing – stepping away and taking some of his power with me – confusing him with my caring tone while I told him his marriage was a joke and he was screwing up his kids. I feel sorry for whoever got ensnared but I don’t think it lasted long because he wouldn’t be hoovering me…
I have a few real friends who use fake names on FB – worried about surveillance or hiding from a specific person or from the law. I know who they are and none of them are narcs.
Your narc could have said he was changing his name for whatever reason. Otherwise how would he justify it to real friends? I am sure he is using the other fake names too and I am not surprised his wife made him ‘get rid of’ social media. I am just surprised that after all these years those IPPS’s have no clue as to the tricks. It takes 10 seconds to make a secret email account and connect a fake FB profile to it.
Mine has a real IG profile that his family made him set up. He hardly posts, has very few followers, never responds to anyone, and leaves it public. He could not care less and I haven’t looked at any of it in ages because it is all facade. FB is a different story…
It is exhausting – I agree – but now I consider this site a mixture of therapy, entertainment, and breaks from work (I work from home a lot so I take many breaks!). If it wasn’t this, it would be something else! Drugs, maybe :-).
My audio file was good thanks! HG says cerebral MMRN. I thought he was either cerebral or elite UMRN, so I gave him too much credit. But I do agree with HG because, well, he knows his stuff, and because he pointed out narc uses pity plays. I had not really registered that.
It helps me to know, and relieves me a little since I’ve feared at times he was a Greater and that he’d out me to my husband for spite. I have some reassurance now that is unlikely. It also helps me to know he is cerebral, and that he just dialed up the sex during seduction to mirror what I wanted….which was basically just sex lol.
It has hindered me only because the thought process of dissecting narc for HG and cataloguing his attributes and what went on between us has flared up my ET.
I obsess over where I fit into his fuel matrix. I alternately can convince myself I was quite important to keep around more than three years and to try to resume the formal relationship four or five times. Or I can also say that I’m nothing, just a gullible long distance empath willing to text and talk when needed. And I’ll never know.
Supernova DE,
I’m glad it was good and you are relieved.
Mine is the same type – I know just from reading HG’s posts. I don’t think about where I fit in his fuel matrix. I made him swear he wouldn’t sleep with anyone else and I don’t think he did (I don’t care about the virtual stuff). If he did, he’s a man whore who put my and IPPS’s health at risk. I don’t respect anyone who would do that. If he didn’t, then he obeyed me. I win either way.
I know what you mean about dissecting the narc. It’s what we do all the time on here and it keeps ET engaged. But it’s part of my routine now. At least I can save it for here and concentrate on other things.
With much respect and affection to you, Supernova DE: you’re not what he thinks you are — you’re what YOU think you are.
And you don’t want an UMR or Greater… there is a mercilessness to that psyche that can be so unnerving that it can make you feel sweaty- scared and/or ill.
Who they are is not a reflection on who you are — or your worth.
Oh and how was your audio file, Supernova DE? Helpful?
IM 90 percent convinced it’s him. There’s no way that guy just stumbled acrosss me. Nope. No way.
I used to wonder wtf ? What are you getting from trying to friend me? HG said it provocation. Always trying to stay in your head so you don’t forget about them
Oh I suppose there is a chance it’s someone else but I doubt it
Supernova
I was ipss long distance same as you. Over 40 mutual friends and yes I was kept around 3 years. He began getting very distant taking hours to answer messages when he used to take seconds or minutes i finally asked if there was someone else and he said yes
Same thing with the real profile eventually changing around his real name then having various fake profiles a couple I knew of because he told me but im finding out there are more. One of his friends friended me. I told him about it via text since he had blocked me via social media. Since he had been suspended from fb for 30 days he went under his fake profile friended that friend within 2 hours of me telling him then blocked me from that profile too! A profile he didn’t even know I knew about. I only knew about it by accident. About a month or so ago I texted him. I know dumb move but I did it. He ignored me then I could see he blocked me in which case I remained blocked for 2 days then unblocked on phone. Then I happen to search his name and bam another profile with his picture and the formal version of his name with his pic it’s from 2012. I bliock it. So now about a month has passed this is about the longest no contact and this friend request comes … I would normally think it was random but there is no way this person just stumbled on me. There are all kinds of clues that’s it’s him.
I simply interpret this whole thing as “text me please” and HG has labeled it a passive hoover aimed at provoking me to contact.
There will be no contact
It’s all so effing crazy
All manipulative mind games which of course he denied. So infuriating… and now I realize it was all by design.