A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 57
Dear Mum,
I had absolutely no idea for such a long time. I’d never truly understood what narcissism or sociopathy was and never suspected that you of all people could have a personality disorder. I always thought you were the clever and emotionally balanced one, while everyone else around you was easily angered, contradictory, false, selfish or ‘emotional’. You are such a good actress and so clever at twisting the truth. You always, always ended up being the one in control. Always. Such is the power of a mother’s carefully planned and covert manipulations, as well as the stereotype most people believe without question – that nobody loves their child as much as a mother does.
This “not knowing” kept me under your spell – pliable and dependent – for nearly half a century. In the meantime, I thought that something was wrong with me. I needed to toughen up, I needed to be more positive, I needed to have more resolve, I needed to understand more clearly, I needed to be “better”. For such a long time, it never dawned on me that I was good enough as I was. I was an intelligent child, a hardworking and successful student and a conscientious and dutiful adult daughter. But it’s clear to me now that I was also the family scapegoat.
You never took any blame or responsibility for anything. You were so stoic in your rock-solid stance, unwavering and beyond accountability that I never questioned you either. The only one in the family that I was able to question was myself. I sometimes have memory flashbacks of the inexplicably mean and callous things you did and the ruthless and self-serving actions you took. The circular arguments, the silent treatments, the invalidation no matter what I said or did. To be able to survive as a child and then a single woman with only my immediate family for support, I believe my own mind conveniently rationalised those memories for the most part. Those memories did enter my consciousness every now and then and the flashbacks were both painful and bewildering.
I grew up very independent and self-sufficient. In my mind, it was pointless to rely on or believe in other people because they would inevitably prove to be untrustworthy and unreliable. For almost all my life, I thought this belief system was an innate part of who I was. I thought it was my personality and something I was born with. Now I see that it was a natural defence mechanism triggered by a lack of genuine bonding. To the outside world, you looked like a perfect mother, but underneath the shiny surface, the unconditional love, security and affection that every child needs and deserves was not really there. My attitude towards relationships and other people set me up for a lifetime of loneliness and painful isolation. I find it extremely hard to spontaneously relate to other people. I need to constantly calm my thoughts in their presence and remind myself that I am worthy of respect as a person in my own right and there’s no need to try so hard. In my mind, the “go to” thought process is that everyone else is “more important” than I am.
But now I know what you are, thanks to the internet and the research I did when I thought I was losing my mind. Slowly but surely I researched everything I could on depression, anxiety, mindfulness, self-esteem, self-compassion and mental health. I approached my research with the firm belief that I needed to change myself. I was so unmotivated, so jaded, depressed and mentally exhausted, I couldn’t continue living that way. I felt completely empty and nothing at all gave me any joy whatsoever. I needed to find resolutions. My life was crashing down all around me even after all the hard work I had done to have a successful career and happy life.
By surfing the net compulsively, I stumbled across an article that described our family dynamic – the golden child and scapegoat scenario. Then it hit me. The problem wasn’t me, it was YOU!!! You are a narcissist.
When it first became irredeemably clear – almost two years ago – the realisation both stunned and terrified me. You’re a sociopath. My mother is a sociopath incapable of empathy or putting anyone else first, even her own children. In my state of emotional exhaustion and depression, I couldn’t bear the thought of what you were. It made me physically ill. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. The anguish and disbelief made my hands shake and the feeling of hopelessness made me want to hide at home forever. It was SO hard to believe and accept. But deep down, I knew I had finally stumbled upon the truth.
That was my lowest point. Since then, I have become a lot stronger and I now actually like myself and believe in myself. I still have a long way to go, but you will never, ever manipulate or fool me again. I always tried so hard to please you and make you happy and proud. Now I don’t care what you think of me. My mind is my own and it’s much too important to me to allow you to play games with it. The love-bombing, silent treatments, triangulations, pity plays, guilt-trips and invalidation simply don’t work anymore. Furthermore, every time you try to use your underhanded tactics, it reinforces to me how pathetic and disordered you are. Now, I thank the universe every day that I did not inherit your sickness.
The advice of ‘no contact’ is, I agree, the best remedy when dealing with a toxic narcissist. Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done in some situations. I can’t just move to another town or country. I can’t just uproot my whole life and forget that I have a family. I still love my family, even though it’s so unhealthy for my peace of mind. I love and still want contact with my father, a good natured, peace-loving man who has basically surrendered his own will in order to survive the intolerable. I don’t even know for sure if he is actually in a constant state of delusion or if he’s aware but towing the line. Either way, my heart breaks for him. I believe the main reason we are still a “family” is because of his ability to endure your covert and dominating mind-games and still treat his children with a semblance of love and good humour.
Now that I know what you are mother, I can see how childish, immature and self-centred you are. I can see how fragile your ego is. You need to be the centre of attention all the time. You need to be cared for and listened to first, no matter what hardships or pain other people are facing. You are constantly critical of anything and anyone. If the sun is shining and it’s a glorious day, to you it’s too hot and you’re uncomfortable. If someone else is suffering from a fatal disease, you instantly start talking about how much pain you’ve been in lately. I’m embarrassed and sad for you that you don’t know any better.
We will never be able to have a normal, loving conversation together as mother and daughter. Isn’t that sad? It is to me, but you lack that emotion, so it’s pointless asking you. My life has been profoundly affected by such sad thoughts and memories. I look at other people who do have loving relationships with their mother and I wonder what it must be like.
On the bright side, you have inadvertently shown me that the world has so much beauty and wonder. It’s evident everywhere, even in your personality disorder. You often made a point of telling me some awful story or tale of woe that you’d heard. It was usually about some terrible thing happening to someone and how vicious and frightening the world and other people could be. I think you were deliberately conditioning me to be fearful of the world around me. You wanted to make me as miserable as you are. I believe you were threatened by my natural optimism and confidence, because they made me less dependent on you and less controllable. Your covert manipulations worked. For many years, random fears and negative thoughts would creep in about many things. I’m glad to say though, that all your efforts have ultimately failed. I look around and I see so much beauty. Even your disorder is now fascinating to me in some ways … now that I’m no longer trying to keep my head above the emotional stormy sea you tried to drown me in.
Sincerely,
The Healthy One.
38 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 57”
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WINDSTORM
Just found your message. I’ve fought her constantly throughout my life. I used to equate us to being two pitbulls going at each other for sport. Heaven help anyone who got between us. But those people were other narcissists, so … Anyway in 2003 I’d escaped a narc husband , done a dance with another ( HG says Greaters are rare, but he was the most dangerous person I’ve known. ) and did some soul searching and growing. I knew her issues were related to her own childhood abuse. So I decided to kill it or cure it. And I sat down with her over many evenings and talked it through. I laid it all on the table. Now I know all I did was give her fuel and weapons to use against me. All went well until I became involved with my husband. She spent a year or two playing nice, sorta, then she started slowly grinding me into the ground and using him to do. The worst was when we thought she was on her deathbed, and called me and hubby to her side. I still wasn’t convinced she was a narcissist. I didn’t want to believe my mother was just as HG described in Angels with dirty faces. Hadn’t found HG yet either. So there we stand, I dont want this deathbed confession, my insides are going nuts and she says, ” You’re not a good enough woman to him. You should let him screw who he wants to screw. ” Game over.
I dont have any answers, but you have my promise if I find them I will post them here. I headband to KORN a lot! That’s my go to.
I’m the only child too. Yes my mother had a way with men. After my misogynist father died, all the men from the neighborhood came to check on the kindly old lady. It was sickening.
Thank you!
WINDSTORM
Hey I thought of something. I was talking with hubby tonight about the anger. She made all this anger in me, now what? What do I want when that anger rises? Well…. someone to fight with of course. I dont have her to fight with and vent my anger. She used to charge me like a bull. Well bully bully and I go right back at her. After that 2003 talk she changed her tactics. She stopped charging me and became more subtle in her manipulation. More like slowly chipping away at me instead. It’s not a solution but maybe some insight. Maybe I should take up boxing !🥊
Thanks ‘WhoCares’ 😉 – I really like the original post, learning to ‘discard’ parts of yourself through toxic value-systems. It’s what Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein was about: the whole is greater than the parts.
Wisdom comes from integration, not a hierarchy between body, intellect and emotions.
Collie was lovely and only ever gave the family protective love – but she was discarded (put down), for no reason other than her fun-loving empathic character was considered a nuisance. So very ugly.
She raised me, she was a nursery friend, a swimming companion, a practical joker. We had a petty neighbour who complained when collie chased a rabit through her garden – and collie pooped on her doorstep. Very smart dog, one of the immortals! I wish as an adult i could say, thank you.
/iroll,
I do also appreciate the original post and am grateful that the writer shared that letter – it gives me pause for thought about my own mother and areas of my life I’d rather not go atm…
Thank-you for sharing your Collie story; it made me smile. I’m currently and firmly entrenched as a cat person – but I grew up with dogs.
I just wanted to say that this is so incredibly well-written. I can “feel” and sense your freedom in your words. Very powerful.
After that initial crushing shock of realizing that someone so important to you is a narcissist and that they’ve been playing games with your heart and mind for a long time, there really is something so emboldening in realizing that you are the healthy one and that you survived it. It takes a lot of resilience to come back from emotional abuse and when you realize that not only have you overcome it but now have the ability to see through it and the tools to avoid falling into it, it makes you feel like a invincible.
Thanks for sharing!
A very good letter, very clear & mature. And I can totally relate ….
Must have not checked the notify of new comments button last time.
Hello /iroll,
I enjoy reading your posts; it was nice (not because of the content) to read one that was a little less intellectualized and little more about you and your background.
I’m sorry for your experiences. You’re not one to seek out sympathy – but I can’t help saying I feel for you – especially the loss of your collie. As a child, those kinds of losses stay with you.
Make Germany or America Great again! – People want good feelings, even when it causes harm to others. Love and violence are opposed ways of looking at reality, they create different realities. Maybe violence IS stronger than love, if by strength, you mean brute selfish force and manipulation.
Love, however, allows us to become humans who have overcome these primal, immature states of merely existing.
Thank you for your comments /iroll. I can relate to your comments too. What you say makes sense to me.
“This pathological comdemnation of emotional vulnerability and truth.”
This sentence stood out to me. I think there is so much meaning in this. There’s so much that can either flourish or stagnate on the basis of trust and acceptance. We are all different and unique with very diverse experiences, so real trust and acceptance seems to be a neverending impossibility.
So we mask our vulnerabilities and hide the truth. We would rather live through illusions than face the cold hard facts. The funny thing is that the vulnerabilities and truth live on and unfold before us anyway. However, they seem even more “untrustworthy” because of our very efforts to make them more “bearable”.
WiserNow – thank you, your posts here and below are helpful re: anxiety about all this <3
I am the sane one in our family (which is relative), but going crazy is sometimes the only sane response to a crazy reality. ‘Good and bad’ is not split into ‘sane and crazy’. Health is also the choice of ‘love’ (admitting the wrong in the world) over violence.
Without perpretrators owning their actions and changing their ways, there is no possibility for forgiving them. People do forgive them as a way to protect themselves from harbouring negative feelings which are painful to have, but the reality doesn’t change.
Relatable +++, my mother called me ‘weak’ – for having emotional reactions to abuse (i had a breakdown at the time), “emotions are weak and a sign of instability”. Stiff upper lip! My sisters complied with this climate of fear and became unloving truth-avoiders as well. She taught them, as our father pressured her to do so, that i was the problem, not the violence and sexual abuse perpetuated by both of them. Everyone’s identities were built on lies because our father would not be accountable and she supported him out of self-interest. When people internalise toxic lies, they internalise shame and blame the ‘sign’ of the problem – instead of the perpetrator – the scapegoat. The scapegoat is vulnerable and so easier to reject than the real perpetrator, who has the power to punish you as well. But someone must be punished in order to defend those who comply with abuse from negative feelings about themselves – their shame and fear. The ‘666’ signs are all around, they just become normalised and hidden. We are trained not to regard them.
This pathological comdemnation of emotional vulnerability and truth – even resulted in our mother killing ‘my dog’, a smart and feisty, empathic bearded collie, when my Dad’s favourite gun dog, a less intelligent labrador went senile (?) and started barking all night, scratching the furniture, etc. My mother immediately blamed the collie, only to find out later it was the favourite. She told me over the phone at school, with a very elaborately self-convinced story about how collie was like an old woman leaving the house with her underwear over her clothes – a strange projection of our grandmother (her mother).
She also ‘loves’ me, i’m her ‘most beautiful and gracious one’ (her beloved martyr in sentiment, in reality – disposed of like trash) – yet her advice about having self-esteem as a woman was a valuable principle. Unfortunately, the way she raised us – was to accept abuse and swallow shame, and to reject siblings because of her jealousy-projections. She is very organised and responsible on the surface, a real care-taker, but she’s greedy, entitled and completely crazy with self-denial. Her motto “blood is thicker than water” should have been, “money is stronger than love”. The whole family is separated and fractured, fill of narcissistic stone cold silences that will live beyond the grave.
Narcissists reject reality, accountability, their real selves and our emotional truths, they force others to act out psychodramas of alienation, what Kristeva called ‘the horrors of abjection’.
A recent film ‘Hereditary’ is all about a grandmother whose struggle for power and control ruins the lives of a following generation. Mental illness is blamed for this ‘demonic possession’ – although the demons are all emotional ones. If you’ve been abused by narcissists – don’t watch it. While watching it, i thought it was overly complex artsy fartsy depressing weirdness. 2 days later, i was triggered by it. Psychodrama fatigue!
Please please someone comment to me! Help! This is my life! The anxiety, guilt, always and still cleaning up her messes. No contact for two years, still digging out from the literal avalanche she unleashed. I very strongly believe she was trying to get me to commit suicide. My non narc husband believes it too. I’ve always been angry, since my teens, but she pushed me too far. In my awakening moment, as she stood before me, me screaming at her, my vision went and all i could see was her face smashed in with my fist in her head. It didn’t happen, but I still can see it and am shaking as I type this. After that, the anger was harder to control. Now I am the most dangerous person on the planet to her. I would hurt her, easily. No contact was to save her from me. I’m not this way. It’s not my nature. Hell I pick up worms off the sidewalk so the dont fry in the sun, it’s not me! How did you find your way out? I know what she is, I’m understanding now, but i dont know how to fix what she did to me.
IdaNoe
I’ll try to comment, but I don’t think we can ever repare the damage they’ve done to us. We just have to learn to live with how it has warped us and keep moving forward.
You have a non-narc husband who knows what your mother is like. That’s a tremendous resource! You also have implemented no contact – very hard to do with family. The key to your mental health is to get beyond emotional thinking about her. I can do that with all my other narcs, but not my mother. Even with her dead nearly three years.
I think this is harder to achieve with mothers because they warped and hurt us from the very beginning. Other narcs may have warped and hurt us, but we can remember better times before the abuse and work at getting back there. Not so with abuse from mothers. There literally is no “healthy before” period.
What helped me with my mother was to pretend I was beyond emotional thinking. Sort of a “fake it till you make it” approach. If people try to talk to you about your mother or guilt you into breaking no contact, be brutally honest with them, but unemotionally. Calmly explain some of the abuse you’ve suffered from her and that at this point in your life you aren’t able to deal with such a toxic person. Calmly tell them they have no idea what hell she’s put you thru and to mind their own business. I found this shuts most people up.
Best of luck to you. We can’t go back and fix the past, but we can determine our present. Focus on your life now and how to make it as wonderful as you can. If you have children of your own, be the mother you wished you’d had. ❤️
Windstorm
Great advice all around. I have also taken flak for not being closer to my mother (Insert any family member really) and I usually answer: Not every mother is your mother. You can be grateful for that-I cannot.
Windstorm
Thank you for your insight. My awakening was our wedding eve and day. I had hidden her behavior as best I could for 9 years. On our wedding eve, she cut loose on me and i just put the phone on speaker. He jumped in, but damage was done. He uninvited her and hung up. She rang all 3 phones until 2am constantly. Next morning was quiet until time to get ready, then here she came and I lost it. That was 6 yrs ago. I knew she had a problem and now I had a witness. Read much, but nothing fit including NPD. Went minimal contact as possible. 2 yrs later she became very ill, life threatening. Then it all exploded like a volcano. I could see it all. Saw it before, but the info I was finding on NPD was incomplete. What she wanted, her end game, was my husband! Me dead by suicide at her hands and my husband, the son I was supposed to be, forever bound to her by my death. Sweet! Now she’s lock away in nursing home and all her family and friends think I’m a screaming banshee. So hey, it works for me!
No children, I knew i was too damaged.
The anger, sits like a ball in my chest. That’s the hard part. It has protected me, but it’s harder to control now.
IdaNoe
I sure do hear you. Anger in my heart toward mine is a problem for me, too. Even with her over two years buried and me inheriting everything she had, i just can’t seem to let go of the anger. And I’m not at all a person who often feels anger.
I knew from a small child that something was wrong with my mother and myself and fought her as much as I could all my life. But I didn’t realize she was a narc till after she’d died. I thought narcs were all outgoing people who loved the spotlight and bitter, backbiting people like Mama were just jerks.
Is your mother somatic? Mine was and she loved all men and was sarcastic and insulting to all women. I used to thank God growing up that I was an only child. By 10 I’d decided the only really good things in my life were all financial. I knew if I’d had a brother, or even a sister my life would have been much worse and I’d have been disinherited.
My mother much preferred my husband over me, of course. But she was 30 years older than him and he found it humorous. She didn’t ruin my wedding, but she complained about having to come (for her façade, not that I insisted she be there) “Why don’t you just go get married at the register’s office? None of us need to see you get married. It’s selfish of you to expect everyone to have to dress up and come just to see you.”
Not that I’ve had a lot of success, but I’m trying to overcome my residual hatred by working on my spirituality. Instinctively I know I must heal myself from within. Just unsure how. If you find something that works for you, I hope you will share it with me. ❤️
Hi IdaNoe,
I understand you and how angry and frustrated you feel. I’ve felt that way before too. I believe you when you say you are not that way and that it’s not your nature.
I think the feelings of anger don’t just happen overnight. I think they grow over time because of the way your mother’s behaviour never changes even though you have tried and tried and tried to do the right thing (in your mind). When nothing changes and you have tried and tried, it starts to make you feel unbalanced. I think you may be feeling exhausted from trying. This “exhaustion” means that your own self-control is becoming exhausted too.
To help yourself lessen the feelings of uncontrollable anger you have inside you against your mother, maybe it would help to do something energetic or aggressive to get those angry feelings outside of your body. Do something harmless that you feel can help. Go for an energetic run or walk, or even just in the solitude of your own room, punch a pillow 20 times just to get the anger out. Think about how angry your mother makes you while you do this and say to yourself that you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve to have her push your buttons and manipulate you and emotionally abuse you like that. Your emotions are there for a reason. You are angry and you are justified in your anger. A mother should not manipulate, deceive, abuse or lie to her child.
Another thing that may help is to have self-compassion. Stop thinking about your mother and her needs, and start thinking about yourself and your needs. Take the time to do this seriously and really do it. If it means to take a day off and do whatever you want to, then do it. Try and really be gentle with yourself and understanding and open with your own emotions and try to feel everything and let yourself feel all of those things and forgive yourself for them. Emotions are not “mistakes”. They come from somewhere and they are telling you something.
Finally, when your mother wants you to clean up another one of her messes, just don’t do it. If necessary, start small and make an excuse. Try as much as possible to have no contact and to resist her requests. You don’t have to be guilty about this. Just remember that you are a person who deserves respect and to feel good about yourself. Protect your own self.
Good luck to you. Please remember, it is not your fault and your emotions have been manipulated for a very long time. It is a learning process and it takes time and effort to change, however, you can do it. All the best to you and please be protective of your emotions, your conscience, your empathy, and of who you are 🙂
I hope this helps you IdaNoe. If you can’t relate because it doesn’t resonate with you at all (you might just be a mirror for all I know) it might help someone else. After all, that’s what this blog is for.
WiserNow, thank you. We are trying to put our life back on track. Back on track ha! Find the track is more like it. She interfered with much of our life. So it’s like starting over in a war zone full of triggers and traps.
As for anger management, what works best is scream therapy with Dr. Davis! Ie, Sitting in the car and headbanging KORN, as loud as I can. That’s my chill pill and then I can think. Hubby’s going to set up targets for me to throw at( knives, axes, tomahawks). I’m hoping that will be a good vent as well. 😁
I’m learning to feel through the emotions, but there are a lot of very scary ones. They abused me on every level or allowed others too. I studied the nuts and bolts of pedophiles and sexual predators when I was younger but now I’m beginning to understand the other abuses. The emotional residue is like walking in quicksand. I just feel like I’m sinking at times and this letter was definitely a trigger for me. I guess it’s best to find the triggers and blow them up, then you can begin to deal with them. Thank you.
What’s a mirror?
IdaNoe,
Yes, it’s sure is a lot like “starting over in war zone full of triggers and traps”.
What I meant by “mirror” is that when I initially read your comment asking for help, I believed you and related to you and wanted to help in some way. Then, after thinking about the things you said, I realised how much of what you said very closely resembled my own situation. That made me think that you could easily be reflecting me from the things I wrote in the letter and “manipulating” all of the empaths here to see if anyone would take the bait. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if some of the commenters here are narcs who “get off” from trolling and seeing if they can push anyone’s buttons.
I guess that’s the dilemma we (who have been narcissisticly abused) live with every day. Do we believe the words people say? Or do we forever second-guess ourselves and protect ourselves and thereby possibly walk away from someone who we could truly help?
I think that starting life in an environment of manipulation and control means that you are generally always hypersensitive to any possible similar threat when in the company of other people. It never leaves you. At least that’s how I feel.
I find it very hard to trust anyone, especially now that I have awareness and know what signs to look for. Compared to some other people here, I am not yet “immune” from the traps and triggers. It’s a process that I’m constantly working on. There are times when I feel stronger and more confident about it all, and then there are times when I feel sad and angry that I will never be truly free of my family. Going ‘full-on’ no contact is not really possible. And there’s always the emotional residue for sure.
I am so sorry you had to deal with all the abuse in your childhood. It’s just so unfair and wrong. We can learn and read and know all there is to know, but all of that can’t change the original experiences and their effects on us. The best we can do is support each other and learn to live with it as best we can. I read some of Shahida Arabi’s blog (after seeing ByStander’s comment below) and she describes survivors as being very resilient and unusually adaptable. Yes, I guess that’s true, but what other choice did we have as children? To survive, we had to draw on every positive resource we could, and the result is that we became survivors. There is good and bad in everything I guess.
I’m glad you have a non-narc husband. I think we all need one of those lol 🙂 When you grow up in an environment lacking true empathy and love, those things become so precious. Having someone who understands you and accepts you is so affirming and reassuring. It’s a blessing and well done to both you and your husband.
WiserNow
If I triggered you, I’m sorry. I tell my story because it helps me to hear or see it written. By doing that, it helps my mind understand that the shame and blame I accepted for those things are not mine. As angry as I am, there is still a child inside that just wants to beg her Mommy to love and be proud of her. Most of the time the adult me is driving the bus but sometimes the child slips behind the wheel and crashes us. That’s why i say it and write it, to give my truth a voice it never had before and to confront the guilt and shame. So I won’t forget and beg my mothers forgiveness. For me, I can’t believe in secrets anymore. They can be used against you, so I tell mine! I dont care anymore if people love me or hate me, I’m not going to live in shame anymore. That’s not living. So again, if i hurt you, I’m sorry.
It’s okay IdaNoe, please don’t feel you have to apologise 🙂 You didn’t trigger me or anything like that. When you told your story, it resembled my own very closely in many details and that made me have second thoughts that were a little suspicious for a while. It’s just a small misunderstanding, that’s all. It’s really okay though, because I can see now that there was no need to think that way.
And you’re right, you don’t have anything at all to be ashamed about or keep secrets about. You were an innocent child. The blame and shame you internalised were not yours to feel at all. It’s very liberating to get those inner emotions of anger out. Telling our stories is a great way of doing that. It takes you a step further in the process of healing.
http://pete-walker.com/pdf/GrievingAndComplexPTSD.pdf
It’s about “grieving” the effects of our childhood experiences. It speaks about internalised shame and blame and how using “angering” and tears can shrink the inner critic in ourselves and release the healthy emotional functions of self-protection. It makes me think of what you said about feeling so much anger that it’s hard to control. It may help you to release some of that internalised anger.
Awesome thank you! I’ll check him out .
WiserNow
“Do we believe the words people say? Or do we forever second-guess ourselves and protect ourselves”
Your comment really struck a chord with me. I used to worry about that a lot. I am an incredibly honest person and I’ve had to endure a lot of ridicule being fooled because of that – especially from my mother when I was growing up. My mother’s people tended to be very hurtful in how they would laugh at and ridicule anyone they had tricked. I still feel a frisson of fear when I imagine my mother saying, “he really made a ‘fun dove’ out of you!”
Thirty years of marriage to my exhusband broke me of that, though. He lies like he breathes, but his lies are different. It’s more like a game with him and his family and he “gets his jollies” (another of my mother’s sayings) from being able to out think and out wit those around him, rather than humiliate and ridicule.
There was no way I could hope to keep up with him, so I made the decision to embrace my own nature and trust until someone proved untrustworthy. Then if someone was shown to have lied to me, I just labeled them as a liar and never trusted them again.
It sounds simplistic but it has worked well for me over the years. It made my mother livid when I would just smile condescendingly and not believe anything she said, since I knew she was a liar. It took the fun out of lying to me for most narcs. And surprisingly I found that when I responded to most people with honesty and kindness, they responded back in kind.
So I don’t really worry if people are being honest or not anymore. I just stay true to my self and respond according to my nature. If they are narcs, I know I’ll spot them soon enough and know not to trust them any more. I’ve found that this attitude leads to the greatest happiness for me, despite how naive it may sound to others.
It doesn’t sound naive at all Windstorm. I like that you decided to embrace your true nature of being honest and trusting until someone shows themselves to be a liar. Although honesty is an empathic “sin” as HG tells us, it is still the best policy. If your logical thinking is turned “on” and you are aware, it’s far better to be honest than not to be.
The truth cannot be hidden for long, as the saying goes, so if you are on the side of truth, you will not be proven wrong in the long run. Time has a way of showing what’s true and what’s not and then lies cannot be sustained indefinitely.
I have found that if I know someone is a narcissist or a compulsive liar, I then have a default position of expecting them to lie. This way, my emotional thinking isn’t moved to give them the benefit of the doubt or start to believe some of the things they say.
When we don’t know exactly who we’re dealing with, we have to proceed with caution even though we are being honest. I think it’s a case of treading carefully and being aware too.
Trust – look at motive. I trust very very few. Mostly plants and animals and my hubby. He’s been through hell and back with me. I trust HG. I have nothing to offer him except a tiny dollop of fuel with a question or thank you. Other than than that he has nothing to gain by lying to me and his reputation to loose. That makes him trustworthy. Look at their motive. What can they gain? What can the loose? If there’s little to loose and much to gain…. RUN
Hello IdaNoe, You have a right to your feelings of anger. It is okay to be angry, it is normal to feel this emotion. With great pain comes anger and what we need is healing. Like you, I had my share of abuse in childhood. I have found something or rather someone’s work that has helped me tremendously and I will share the information here if HG will allow it. HG shows us the evil, the darkness that he is, but he doesn’t provide the way to healing, which is the way to beat the narcissists that may be in our past, present and future via the healing of ourselves from childhood trauma from narcissistic abuse, etc. This healing is the way out of the cycle of pain. The name of the person doing this work is Shahida Arabi, I have several of her books. I cannot say enough, I am on the road to healing after all the he’ll from narcissistic abuse. I won”t tell my story, but it is about as bad as it can get. Her website is self-carehaven.org and she has a YouTube channel Self-Care Haven. Have you ever watched the video: Wide Awake by Katy Perry? Peace and power be with you.
Thank you ! I will definitely check her out. Thank you HG for allowing her to pass the info to me!
I understand not telling your story and respect that. I’m a blabbermouth, as my monster (mother) called me because it’s a form of therapy for me. I hid it all for years, internalizing it, made it my shame and took the blame. For me hearing the words said out loud or written out, helps my mind understand that it wasn’t my fault. Saying here now, to you, that it was not possible for me as a 5yr old to entice a 13yr old cousin to molest me, makes the shame I carry for that go away and places it where it should rest, on those who knew and did nothing. That’s the reason i tell.
I will check out the Kate Perry video, dont think I’ve heard it. Thank you again
“I grew up very independent and self-sufficient. For almost all my life, I thought this belief system was an innate part of who I was. I thought it was my personality and something I was born with. Now I see that it was a natural defence mechanism triggered by a lack of genuine bonding”.
I know exactly what you mean. And I am so sorry for you.
“I look at other people who do have loving relationships with their mother and I wonder what it must be like”. Ditto.
Your letter made me think of my (abomination of a) mother.
The world will be a better place once she’s gone.
Bless you for finally processing the truth and finding release from the torture and sadness. It is a time to celebrate your new found peace and understanding, don’t let the scars hold you back in life, stretch them out girl. lots of love.
xxx
Words I’d like to say to my mother. Thanks Healthy One.
Well this is certainly a letter I can relate to.
“I think you were deliberately conditioning me to be fearful of the world around me. You wanted to make me as miserable as you are. I believe you were threatened by my natural optimism and confidence, because they made me less dependent on you and less controllable. ”
Absolutely true for me as well, except my mother wanted me to be more miserable than she was so she could feel superior.
So glad you have realized the truth and that it has set you free. I assume yours is still alive and I know how hard it is to have to deal with her. It helped me to feel pity for mine. They really are trapped and clueless. We are the ones who can grow and blossom in happiness and love that they can’t ever even imagine with their warped and twisted view of the universe.
With you in spirit and solidarity!
Your fellow scapegoat
I think you should talk to your father .. It could be liberating…!
Christina,
Were you talking to me? I’m a little slow this morning. If so, doubt talking to my father would have helped anything. He was a narc, too. Anyway he’s been dead 32 years. Hope talking to your father is liberating for you.
I am so sorry… I replied by mistake to you.. I was talking to the author of the letter…! BTW my father was a narc too and he is dead 27 years …..
Thank you Windstorm, for your comment. I am with you in spirit and solidarity too 🙂 I’m forever grateful for finding this blog and being able to interact with you and others who have knowledge about all of this. It is immensely helpful.
The truth really does set you free. At least, knowledge and awareness of the reasons. Answers to all the “whys?” certainly set you free.
My mother is still alive and yes, I know what you mean. It helps me too when I feel pity for her. I try to understand her as much as I can, while still being constantly conscious of not falling into her manipulative traps. It’s easier said than done though. Limiting our interactions or “low contact” is how I deal with it. Small doses only of her behaviour and making sure I think positively and logically afterwards is helpful. And constantly learning and being on this blog is priceless too!