Never Again
I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen. We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist. You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself. You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want. When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves. You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story. You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again. She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it. You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.
By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.
16 thoughts on “Never Again”
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NEVER AGAIN. 5 months NC. He has tried to hoover me – sending texts – got a new phone. Our marriage was meant to be a connection of families as well as a connection of two people. The way my x has behaved towards my family – the embarrassment for both families – is just one reason why it can be NEVER AGAIN. He has made his bed, he can lie on it. I am nursing myself. Caring for myself. I know I miss some of the crazy, madness! The things he would say! Lunacy! Comedy! The roller coaster ride was SOMETHING!!! It has stopped. It can never ever re start. Ever. love your work HG
Thank you.
HG, what do you know about the double bind concept? Do you think you experienced that with your mother at an early age?
You use it yourself for manipulation, right?
I am not familiar with the phrase double bind, Ava 101.
Ok sorry some of my comments have gone back to my old “Michelle” account, as I went to close my tigerchelle78 account but then I realised it is much easier to look at and comment through WordPress so reactivated this one again. Sorry for confusion!
I sure do hope that my never again meant never again…
I’m not sure if it’s my codependecy or being borderline, or my separation anxiety disorder, cptsd or the fact that I’m just really weak. But I’ve said this time and time again, “never again”!!! No matter how much I get hurt, I keep going back to what hurts me? Funny enough, even here.
One of my therapists told me I’ve had so much pain in my life throughout such a long period of time, that he said I’ve become addicted to pain. I never really even took that in at the time. There has been like different levels of it too.I also feel often I need to be punished so I do this through self harm. I’ve always thought everything was my fault or it must of been me. I am the problem. I continually apologise for things. My moods swing to extremes often or can be triggered to. I feel everything so very intensely.
I am very all or nothing. So often if I’m to hate Narcs, then it’s like I have to hate all of them including HG. Often I project my anger onto him. But it’s really anger against the people that were supposed to love and protect me I guess, but never did.
You are all wrong about me, though some percieve differently and more to the truth. I understand why. You don’t know me, nor what I’ve been through. And I have difficulty in expressing myself in the correct kind of ways, which leads to me being misunderstood often.
I am very emotional. I react to criticism and judgements and feel like lately many of you have stabbed me with knives. It hurts so much. You have no idea. Did you all hate HG when you first heard him and knew of him? I know this will do no good either. It doesn’t matter what I seem to say or how I try to explain myself, most pick it apart and scrutinise it with false intention and judgement.
But here I still am. I’m still learning, I’m still new to all of this. I only came across HG a couple of months ago. I’ve only just realised my father was a Narc. Ive only just come to make sense of it all. It bloody HURTS ok? I would have thought most of you could tell behind anger there is always pain. And for those of you that are borderline’s in here, only you know just how much pain stuff gives you and how out of control you can feel. Pain makes you do and say crazy stuff. I have Narc traits, which I’ve only become aware of, but my biggest traits are by far empathic ones. So these ones keep those other ones in check. But sometimes it all gets a bit out of control! I’m not trying to play the victim here though I’m sure many will put it down to that. I’m telling you the truth of how it is. Where I’m at. That’s all I can do I guess.
Sorry HG, I have not got to the stage everyone else is at yet, where they are fond of you. You’ll need to give me some time!
Hi michelle…ty for your honest and open post. I think many can relate to how you feel and especially those that have gone thru traumatic experiences. I think too its so easy to misjudge online bc you dont see that person or really get to know them. That can happen offline as well.
Im sorry for what youve been thru it sounds like its impacted your life intensely. None of us is perfect here ….except HG 😄 just be yourself and thats good enough. You definitely do not need to be punished and are youre worthy of love. I think its also the familiarity of the situation why we choose the same types as our abusers. Were familiar with it and in a twisted way we trick ourselves into thinking that equals security but it doesnt. Also feeling we dont deserve any better or that were beneath those that arent like the abuser which is false.
Pleased you recognised my perfection CHM!
I can relate!
Sending big cyber hugs.
HG
I read and enjoy all of your works and comment often, but I dont always take the time to thank you properly and personally for all that you do and this wonderful place you provide for us to share your gifts and the connection to others, so I would like to remedy that now with a huge THANK YOU and my heartfelt appreciation.
NA
Thank you NA and you are most welcome.
Well said, NA.
I’ve been running amok in my head, looking out over the emotional seas. I realize one of my biggest heart aches is I cannot change him. I cannot make him see there’s a whole different way to look at things. I really do love and miss him. This is my sickness to know better but ignore the bad things. I’m not even a human to him. Nothing really more than a used handkerchief. And this is cool, hearted logic.
No, I’m not going back. I’ve forgotten his phone number, and anyway, it’ll end in tears. Or worse.
“You feel close to us because of the way we make you feel when we are with you but at the same time there feels like a gulf between us because we are not admitting you entirely into our lives.”
The center of your world becomes a stranger on the shelf in an instant.
There’s so much,yes. Music was huge for me. And everything you mentioned, HG. And yes, I’ll truly never be the same. Right now a lot of it sucks, but it’s also introduced me to your statement about having cool, hard logic. It’s finally developing, Grant it, its in the infancy stages. It’s been a hard to work to develop.
But, in reality, what will I do when I see him again? A Hoover I know will come someday.
That thought pisses me off.
Nailed it HG! How do you get inside my head like that? You understand and articulate how this feels even better than I ever could. Amazing is the only word for it. Your perception is nothing short of clairvoyant, Sir.