The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 6
At the outset, the sex was off the charts. You would not describe yourself as promiscuous but neither have you lived as a nun. You have had numerous, if not extensive sexual partners and you know what works for you and you know what does not and it certainly worked with us. Now, of course not all of our kind are sexual Olympians, dedicated sexperts who are well-versed in the art of orgasmic sexual congress. You can discount the Victim Narcissist from such attainment straight away. Cerebrals, well they will talk a good game and will perform reasonably well, but as soon as there is no need to maintain, then they will not, but it would not be described as earth-shattering. Not all Somatics and Elites are necessarily going to make the world move, but most do and if you have been ensnared by one of these cadres then sex was sensational.
Then it wasn’t.
There is no interest shown in having sex with you or if there is, it is perfunctory and all about our needs and yours are just ignored, which is most bewildering after the triple A performances you once received.
Sex just isn’t the same. Not at all. It has gone off the boil and then frozen. The bedroom is an icy wilderness but oddly we are now ensconced in our bolthole until late at night. Some snooping reveals an extensive porn browsing history taking in all manner of different sexual tastes. You hear us make comments about other women or men (dependent on orientation) and people who appear on television or films are given an appraisal in terms of sexual appeal and what we would like to do with them. The libido appears alive and well. Just not with you.
You raise this turn of events with a confidante and explain how once it was all nosebleed inducing orgasms, hijinks from the chandeliers and extensive couplings through the night. You then details how you are lucky if you get a kiss. You offer that there appears to be no loss of interest in sex per se from us, our browser history confirms this, but there is clearly a loss of interest in engaging in sexual congress with you. Whoever it is you have turned to nods in understanding and pronounces that the way to get things back on track is for you to broaden your sexual horizons and this will put the spark back in to the relationship.
No it will not.
When sex is removed from the equation it is not the consequence of familiarity with the same body and the same techniques deployed that might affect the sexual activity of a healthy couple. It is not the fact that one or both parties is tired, stressed, worried the children will walk in, not feeling as attractive because they have gained weight/not had chance to shower/needs to engage in some pubic topiary etc. The sex has not dwindled through this common reasons which are symptomatic of a long-lasting relationship. No, the sex has been removed because it is not a manifestation of affection or love from us, but it is a weapon.
Giving you great sex is a weapon.
Removing that great sex is a weapon.
It is done to gain fuel and to control you.
Accordingly, your devaluation has occurred because your fuel is stale/not frequent enough/not copious enough and thus sex is withdrawn to provoke a reaction from you so you give us negative fuel.
If you try harder to engage with us sexually, if you suggest different activities be it role-playing, watching porn together, using different techniques, dressing up, introducing some kinks and so forth as part of this attempt to broaden your sexual horizons and thus introduce the spark into the relationship again this is what will happen.
- You signal to us that our withdrawal of sexual interest has really begun to have an impact. All we will then do is decide to maintain it. So no matter how much new and desirable lingerie you wear, no matter if you have chosen to wear your ankles behind your ears rather than the Chanel, no matter how hard you try to be seductive and alluring it will be thrown in your face for the purposes of extending your devaluation and your provision of negative fuel.
- You will also open yourself up to the exploitation of your now more liberal attitude. We will not accept what you have suggested but instead push it further with a view to finding some kind of sexual activity which we know you do not want to engage in but your desperation to please and to try will mean that you will go along with it. Dependent on your threshold, this might mean a threesome, group sex, water sports, rough sex, humiliation games, sex in public places, sex on camera to be broadcast across the internet and much more besides. Your reluctant agreement to engage in this will be seized on and you will be subjected to a range of unpleasant sexual behaviours which we will revel in forcing you into for the purposes of drawing negative fuel from you all done with the comment “You said you wanted to try something new.”
- We will see this as a green light to open up further fuel lines by getting your approval to allow other people into our sexual activities, forcing you to sleep with other people as we watch, or allowing us to plough a furrow elsewhere and then tell you about it. This will all be done to enable us to gain fuel from these Intimate Partner Secondary Sources and/or Intimate Partner Tertiary Sources and to draw further negative fuel from you because of your reaction to this. You will go along with it but because of your empathic traits which cater to decency, honesty and fidelity, your reaction will vary from quiet dismay to out and out horror at what we have been doing and what we expect you to do.
Offering to broaden your sexual horizons with our kind is to open yourself up to further abuse through the maintenance of the sexual famine and/or the imposition of unpleasant and unsavoury sexual activities as a consequence of our need for fuel and also the maintenance of control over you. Sex, owing to its relationship to love and intimacy for many people of an empathic nature, means it is weapon ripe for exploitation by us. Where you receive the erroneous advice of the ignorant it will only result in further abuse and hurt for you.
To understand in detail the attitude of the narcissist to sex, Sex and the Narcissist is a fascinating insight into the sexual dynamic between narcissist and victim.
UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-Narcissist-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01B8NKS4A
US http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
CAN http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
AUS http://www.amazon.com.au/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
33 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 6”
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lol, oh, my women having banter… too long…. it is all too much lol
Thecandiiclub….. nice to meet you!
Don’t worry, there are certain ones in here that literally think they own the blog. You’ll soon see who they are. It’s like if you say something a bit out of turn or are opinionated or even passionate in any way or fashion they will either label you a Narc, jealous, or attention seeking…. And it’s off with your head! Just ignore them! I thought your comments were great btw….. keep them coming!
Opps, I forgot to add something, sex is a life, a relief, and yes it help to strengthen the spark of the relationship. IT’S NOT A DEVILISH WEAPON. Narcissists are missing the point OR they are from a different planet.
After I finished viewing the content of this page. My first response was feeling extremely angry. I tried my best to hold back and not to write anything. However, I decided to express my thoughts but in a wiser way.
The following points presents my own point of view, maybe other women/people could disagree.
First, the most important thing for a woman is feeling feminine especially when she is with her man. Being in a position where a woman is denied this feeling OR trying to attract her partner while her partner is acting like a rock, is the highest form of hurt and criticism as it touches her femininity and makes her doubt her attractiveness and even makes her wonder whether she is a male or a female in front of this emotionless rock!
Second, I have a high respect for those women who try their best to fix their relationship with their partner no matter what. Unfortunately, those who are involved with narcissists try even harder and when they seek help they get the above advice that HG’s mention, most of the time, which is “ You need to broaden your sexual horizons and this will put the spark back in to the relationship.” I put a ZERO blame on the woman who try harder even if she is involved with a narcissist because in case, she followed the above advice she will not be knowing that she is involved with a narcissist. In addition, if she recognized that her partner is abusive, but she wants to save the relationship, she might think that pleasing him through sex could work! Unfortunately, this will open the door for further abuse in case she is involved with a narcissist as mentioned above in HG’s post. And again people might end up blaming her for accepting to be under a horrible abuse and lack of appreciation which most of the time she never thought that she will be able to endure but it occur gradually and slowly while she is blind in love with her partner and in process of doing anything to feel accepted and loved once again. And the blame is never on her, one day this beautiful lady will open her eyes and all what she will experience at that day is traumatic truth which makes her EITHER complete playing her role as a victim to please her narcissist OR do her best to survive and escape.
Third, my own opinion for someone who might treat me in the same way is, I will not have a second thought and I will not try harder. This is the red line for me that should never be crossed, many many many many many many things in life I can forgive my partner for but if such a thing has been done to me it is the only thing that I will make my partner regret for the rest of his life. whether a man is a narcissist or a normal person. The man who rejects woman’s femininity and the woman who try her best to please him, while he is showing no appreciation, should be cut immediately from her life and thrown away as he didn’t deserve a minute of her time.
I have one last point, we as women were always told (from traditional views) if you can’t please your man, you can either use food or sex to reach his heart. We should extend this advice for our children, and add the following, be careful that some men can never be pleased not matter what, and there are dangerous men out there who can suck your soul then sleep like innocent babies at night.
I always thought that there is a key for each person, doesn’t matter what he/she is, after reading this post, the last key I thought would work with someone who is a narcissist appear to be not effective.
THE QUESTION IS, IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THERE IS NO WAY ON EARTH TO DEAL WITH A NARCISSIST OR HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM?!
The answer is to obey the first golden rule of freedom – once you know, you go. Get out, stay out.
Very good, inspiring post.
No, there is absolutely no way.
Tala,
No, I don’t think that there is any way to have a good sexual relationship with a narcissist. Their objectives are just too in opposition to our own. They don’t want to be pleased and they are unable to even understand our feelings, much less care about them. They want to dominate and control, which invariably leads to abuse for us.
Trying to have a good sexual relationship with a narcissist is a lot like trying to catch a wild bird with your bare hands. No matter how much you want to, no matter what you try or how long you try, it’s just not possible. Even if you get them to eat out of your hand, they’ll still fly away before you can close your hands around them. And then you’re left hot, frustrated, stung by insects and covered in dirt and bird droppings. (Forgive my rambling analogy. I used to try to catch birds in my hands when I was a girl. 😊)
Thinking about what I just wrote, I believe the core reason we can’t have the type of relationship that we want with narcs is the same as why we can’t catch wild birds in our hands. Both the narcs and wild birds want their freedom and independence above all else and neither will ever care about or even understand what we want.
Windstorm,
I am not even sure it is a matter of wanting their freedom and independence above all. I believe it is pure survival instinct They will never be free for their prison nor will they ever really be independent as they need appliances to survive.
Kim e and Superxena
Both of your alls comments just reinforce the similarities between wild birds and narcissists in my mind.
It is a pure survival instinct for both:
1. birds in their relentless search for food and narcs in their never ending quest for fuel.
2. Both their behaviors are dictated by their instincts often more than by conscious thought, blinding them to better choices.
This never ending search for food/fuel and reacting by instinct is really a form of enslavement.
But I do believe that even when blindly following instincts, both wild birds and narcissists think they are staying free and independent.
Windstorm
3. They will both shit on your head.
😝😝😝
Windstorm,
“It is a pure survival instinct for both:
”1. birds in their relentless search for food and narcs in their never ending quest for fuel.”
Birds fly away not necessarily just for the search for food . Birds fly because because… ha, ha, actually I have no idea why birds fly perhaps just because of the simple fact that they were given a pair of wings and they can fly!
I think bird bodies are made to fly having light bones, strong legs and shaped wings. Flying is a defence mechanism from animals that want to eat them, flying makes them better hunters, too. Flying allows birds to travel from cold places to warm places.All means of survival.
Not all of them though: there are flightless birds that through evolution lost the ability to fly.”The smallest flightless bird is the Inaccessible Island rail (length 12.5 cm, weight 34.7 g). The largest (both heaviest and tallest) flightless bird, which is also the largest living bird, is the ostrich (2.7 m, 156 kg) Wikipedia .
Then you have the domesticated birds, such as the (domestic chicken and domestic duck )that have lost the ability to fly for extended periods.Some of them even become completely flightless due to selective breeding.
The word domesticate reminded me of one of the terrible advices I got from one of the many family therapist I attended to together with my ex in the many attempts of making it work out. She said to me right in front of him:” you just need to domesticate him”. That was the last time we attended her therapies. He was very controlled so his reaction to that was in the form of cold fury. After many years of being with him I learned to detect the silent expression of his cold fury in the immediate shift in darkness of his eyes. Just momentarily, a matter of just some seconds but a silent intense deep, deep fury.
”2. Both their behaviors are dictated by their instincts often more than by conscious thought, blinding them to better choices.”
The birds are animals, they react instinctively.
The narcissists have an intellect that hypothetically should give them alternative behavioural patterns that are less destructive( for them as well as for the ones entangled with them).
As you stated: “…blinding them to better choices.” Would be interesting to know what your thoughts are concerning “ better choices” if you feel like expanding on that.
“This never ending search for food/fuel and reacting by instinct is really a form of enslavement.”
Agreed.
“ But I do believe that even when blindly following instincts, both wild birds and narcissists think they are staying free and independent.”
Agreed. From the narcissist’s perspective they believe they are succesfull because they simply do not know any other way. It is their concept of being “free” under their perspective. Not so much independent since they rely completely on people.
The narcissist moves to different sources because he/ she HAS to, he /she has NO OTHER choice and stays chained there until there is no more nourishment .
Under my perspective that moving from one source to another is just a way of temporarily quenching the “hunger”: hunger that in reality is a scream for the void to be filled and that never will be filled if there is not a true self.
This reminds me about the post of the series :The narcissistic truths .Criticism.
I find this particular meme very revealing:
Where the narcissist is sitting with fuel pouring out through numerous orifices.Always draining out, never fulfilled.
https://narcsite.com/2017/10/30/the-narcissistic-truths-no-181-2/
And the post on the series The expanded narcissistic truths
https://narcsite.com/2017/11/24/the-expanded-narcissistic-truths-no-2-2/
Both series extremely insightful and helpful.
I hope all that I wrote to you makes sense Windstorm.
It seems that lately I have been having kind of a lost connection with my mental English files…
Best wishes!
P.S. Re NA: “Windstorm
3. They will both shit on your head.”
I can see that similarity hopefully just figuratively and not literally true.
Adding:
This meme in particular was the one that gave me finally peace of mind when moving on from my ex since it depicts clearly that whoever who he is with now this is exactly what is happening to him…again.
https://narcsite.com/2017/10/30/the-narcissistic-truths-no-181-2/
WS
Birds are driven by their instinct for food (fuel) and mating. So there is a similarity between birds and narcissists. It is survival in the animal kingdom and the winner is the one who is the most ruthless and successfully procreates, or leaves a legacy (from a Darwinian perspective). Humans are animals and our instincts drive us more than we think they do.
Are any of us really free? I’m not. I have to take care of my children (procreation) so they can succeed and perpetuate the species.
And, birds and narcs certainly do shit on your head and then fly away leaving you to clean up the mess.
Well that last comment sent before I was finished. Hope it still made sense!
Hello Windstorm,
I very much fancy your description of trying to catch a bird.
I can actually visualise you as Windstorm the little girl trying to do it. Very moving!
Quoting:
“Both the narcs and wild birds want their freedom and independence above all else and neither will ever care about or even understand what we want.”
What one may interpret as independence and freedom is in reality an enslavement to the narcissist.
I reckon that the narcissist would like to reach freedom and independence but they can’t because they are chained . They are not free nor independent.
They are chained to the endless lifetime pursuit of filling the emptiness, the void ( that in reality is the absence of a true self) within but that they never really can.
It is this endless trial of filling this void that makes them restless, moving from one source to another in their desperate ( unsuccessful) attempts to encounter other ways of filling it.
They live under the illusion of some day filling it but without truly succeeding .
Best wishes!
Very good point, Windstorm. I will call you a “Wisdom storm” instead 😉
Windstorm
I liked your comment.
I actually did catch a bird….rescued it. It was a hawk my mother just about had kittens when she saw her little tow headed child sitting cross legged with this bird that could rip her to pieces. I was speaking softly to it and petting its feathers. I picked it up and walked it to the edge of the grass put it down and it flew away. It was a rare moment I felt pure joy.
One of my children is like this with animals and my Granddaughter.
I had a wolf come up to me once in the woods.
God, I hate labels, its a man with too much of a opinion, ego, whatever, in fact its a male that had a shit upbringing we as women and men all have the same outcome just easier for us.. For them well, they need to be locked up and beaten by a dominatrix chick, until they see there way out lol joking
“dominatrix chick” HAHAHAHAHA. Oh, I love dominant chicks. I don’t know why it sound sad when it happens to women, but it sound funny when it happens to men. No offense.
Well, it depends some men are soft hearted they don’t deserve it. (my fairness always conquers me).
Point n.3 made me think about a girl from my home country ‘persuaded’ by her bf to have sex with friends and/or strangers (the encounters were all videotaped and posted online and pretty much the whole town, including her family, ended up knowing what she had done).
The girl, who was absolutely gorgeous by the way, ended up taking her life because she couldn’t cope with the shame anymore. It was all over the news. So sad.
wow, you surely are an asshole, congrats on being brave and giving it to her/him yourself… again let me remind you… im sure that person will take your praise and stick it up your tight ass cuz your comments are way below average.. which i am sure your ego isnt becauuse frankly you wrote such shallow nasty horrid things about someone that you obviously have issues with… shame.. shame shame
the candiiclub,
It is hard to know who you are referring to the narcissist ,the person entangled with her/him or the one giving wrong advice . Any way, I got curious about your comments , the way you address things as well as your choice of words. So, I looked at the description of your group:
“ What is this group about – It’s about Living a life that is full of Love, loving yourself and others with complete openness and honesty and Laughing like you have never laughed like anything on this earth.”
Perhaps you should consider adding the word “ respect” and acting on it.
Honestly the disrespectful way you express yourself here and your choice of words is not appealing ( at least to me) as a mean of empowering. Quite the contrary.
Empowerment and disrespect are mutually exclusive.
If you have to fall back on insults ,attack and disrespect as strategy as the last resort to be heard, is just a reflection of a complete lack of real empowerment ( self-control). You may trigger a reaction( self-defence that functions in itself as a blocker) but you do not truly reach people with the message you want to convey.
Something to reflect about? If you really want your group to reach its goal?
Well said indeed you are correct.
Impressively stated however, my words as you put it are a little in your face. You did hit a cord using words that I found very opinionated. I am ver familular with my wording and of course my forward positive way of thinking.
But Mark my words whoever you are.. never judge a book by its cover.
I’m sure my dear person I do have the right to say I find your wording arrogant and very narsarsistic which means I do like to be a tad sadistic towards the person you direct such high regard to with a touch of such a low opinion .
And yes I myself am very opinionated which will make me a very empowered sexoligst.
Thank you for your many favourable words but please remember this he who has no sin through the first stone.. which means it is best that when your typing with such high intellect be sure someone else who rarely backs down to words written on a blog should expect a response from a person like me.
Again thank you for putting in such meaningful words that you did for me.. I’m touched.
Impressive vented typical
I really like this girl already….. I have a feeling we are gonna get along just fine 😉
Get off your high and mighty horse Xena….
I sense a disturbance in the force.
Ahhh, hehe, just me saying stuff on the cuff K.. all good.. funny
Love that I sense a disturbance in the force… Xena, that is funny too
Now I Know What All The Endless Talking Was About With Male NARCISSIST Was About.On & On Let Me Teach You My Way , Let’s Try This , “I Don’t It Hurts You,” I Don’t Care You Just Had Total Hip Replacement ,I Don’t Care If You’re Embarrassed. About Your Scar 👅🐀THANK YOU H.G..HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.SHARON
…”So if you have chosen to wear your ankles behind your ears instead of Chanel….”
HG….. you have such a way with words….lol
Indeed I have Kim.