Poll : What Tests Your No Contact Resolve The Most?
No Contact. This is the go to response once you realise what you are dealing with. A fundamental part of your defensive armoury and we hate no contact – it wounds us and starves us of fuel – and it has a host of other benefits for the victim.
No contact is often challenging owing to our determination to hoover, the misleading effect of your emotional thinking and the practical considerations which arise and are seized on by this emotional thinking as reasons no to impose a solid no contact.
There are certain instances where your resolve to maintain no contact is sorely tested. It might be that you find yourself angry about the parlous financial state the narcissist has left you in so you want to raise this with the narcissist, lambast him or her and demand they correct the situation. It could be that you are reminded of an anniversary from your relationship with the narcissist and it prompts a burst of golden-tinged nostalgia that has you wanting to speak to or spend time with the narcissist. Perhaps you have heard the narcissist is with someone new and you want to find out why this has happened or you want to contact the narcissist to learn more about what is happening in that relationship. There are many instances which test your desire to maintain no contact. Which of the list resonate with you? You may choose up to three and as ever do expand with your observations in the comments.
Thank you for participating.
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Mine has not been tested, albeit I will say that I feel pissed off and resentful if something is not going right in my life and then I think of him/them (there is more than one) and how they manage to get everything they want and things always work out for them and how they all seem to have more friends, more social life and everyone loves them.
Then I have to talk myself out of it and ask myself if I would rather be him or the person who is his latest victim. Ultimately the answer is no because I have my own life and talents and through my ego, I can get this feeling to pass.
Dear K and LYNN,
Thank you kindly for your comments …. most appreciated.
K …I totally agree with your observations, you made so much sense and you hit the nail on the head… emotion and logic ……. its getting that balance right …. that’s the hard part … haha
LYNN …. I believe you will …. the only way is up …. and it starts with oneself ….. you are here….. so your journey has begun…. congratulations
Luv n hugs to you both
Bubbles xx
OMJ. Mine sent me a really beautiful photo of us kissing under a street lamp in Venice. So romantic and his kisses were divine. I just wish it could have been real but it wasn’t.
I have a funny one about a pic with my upermidrange – we were dancing romantically in Venezia and we asked someone to take a picture of us. There was classical music by a window – just like in a movie. When I look at the picture there was a street sign above our head – Cul de sac ! Dead end road ! Signs signs signs … lol !!
When I hear he’s in trouble.
I took this to be the case from his Grand Hoover e-mail, expressing undying love for me. Obviously things not working out so well there with NS and all the other ones.
I didn’t respond to that one, but about a month later, feeling bouyant and very confident, I phoned him over some property.
He sounded reassuringly miserable but nevertheless ended up getting really angry with him and upset myself so not a good idea.
I do agree about the sex thing though. That was difficult to start with even though I have an FWB who is 40 years younger than my GN and very good, the style is different…..
I don’t really care about the smear campaign though. That I cheated on him with a younger man; I did but he’d had so much weird paranoia about that anyway I just made what he’d been accusing me of, a Truth. Empaths like things to be True don’t they HG ?
So now, apparently, that I have various STI’s , maybe even HIV from this person has been added to the ongoing I’m alcoholic and I need help.
I KNOW he’d cheated on me but Hell will freeze over before he admits it so no closure there. At least breaking NC showed me that conclusively.
Yes, empaths are truth seekers.
I was always a truth seeker, and although I wanted answers desperately. I’d learned early on, at least in a romantic setting not to seek them. I could not bear the thought of no response, yet inside I was burning.
Now I no longer seek or desire the truth because through your teaching HG, I’ve learned so many of the answers.
Do you think Ns don’t seek the truth BecuSe the greaters already know and the mids and lessers beleive they know.
That said, during the golden period, they do seek the truth about us, especially if you don’t want to meet with them, just not there after. Well it appears that way to me.
We have our own truth already.
Truth seeking…. Yes I remember believing I was questing for the truth. In reality the quest became a circle of activity never finished. There was never enough information for me to believe I had found truth. I was and still can be the Hamlet of my own tragedy…. Hamlet taught me so much about my inability to act, to decide my own truth, to stop my addiction to finding just one more piece of information, and to KNOW my fear of being wrong was an excuse to take no action. IN THE END DECIDING TO DO NOTHING IS STILL MAKING A DECISION… And then everybody dies LOL
Hahahah yes ! Another skill I’ve learned! Turn things round in your head so that no matter what you’re always correct about whatever your thoughts may be.
Thanks for that one too 😂
Dickforlong:
“There was never enough information for me to believe I had found truth… taught me so much about my inability to act, to decide my own truth, to stop my addiction to finding just one more piece of information, and to KNOW my fear of being wrong was an excuse to take no action.”
THIS. THIS! This is the story of my life. Definitely the case with my marriage. It’s like the Lady Gaga song, Million Reasons. We already have a million reasons to let this person go, and we negate them all are really just hanging onto that one reason to stay.
Maybe it’s due to my education or I’ve always been this way, but I don’t buy into the concept of truth beyond that it is a concept. Truth is the narrative we form around our beliefs and perceptions. Some truths are more objective, or shall we say general, than others.
I’m certainly not a truth seeker, more of an information seeker and observer, and I try to be an active and aware writer of my own life narrative.
Not believing in “truth” makes life much easier in many ways, but it requires a certain sense of humour and laissez-faire in order not to go mad in a world of relativity and interpretation.
When the narcissist is romanticized that’s my biggest hurdle.
Narc Angel, compares narcissist to ”cotton candy.” And I start thinking I LOVE cotton candy. I want some cotton candy. Cotton Candy flavored narcissist balls melting in my mouth. Mmm. Yummy. Narcissist are like cotton candy. So narcissist must be good. Hmm maybe, just maybe, I should send an email. Maybe I am missing out.
Why can’t they just be rotten apples? At least I can resist that. The lesser narcissist I had was a rotten apple. He wasn’t ”sweet, delicious and empty.”-HG
He was violent and malicious, conniving and wicked.
The midrange narcissist I experience was like Windstorms ”chocolate bunny” he looked sweet, but he left a nasty taste in my mouth.
It can be confusing because one minute HG says ”GOSO” so my logic says yeah narcissists are rotten, but then HG corrects me and says narcissist are ”sweet and delicious.” So ”GOSO” or stay and play?
Some of HG’s articles make the narcissist sound, so irresistible. But then HG talks about his use of cocaine, prostitutes, strippers, sleeping with the neighbor’s wife, the lies, manipulation and on and on.
Then I remember what narcissist are really like.
My emotional thinking would agree ”sweet and delicious” but my logic currently says No.
Thank you, HG for getting me to where I am today.
You are most welcome.
I found it interesting that when a hoover came (and I assume it was one because it was a text from a random number that said, “Hey stranger”, with no indication of who it was and no further texts when I didn’t respond) and because narcissists mostly all follow such recognizable patterns, I honestly couldn’t guess who it might be from!! 😂😂🎉
Could it be the greater cerebral that I was married to for 8 yrs?…or the maybe the 22 yr old somatic that literally enslaved me for 3? Or maybe my first narcissist crush from high school that I reconnected with briefly a year ago. Or… perhaps that wealthy fierce DD that I had to block on all fronts….or any other number of possible figures from the mist. It could be any one of them. Who knows? Smh 😜😵😏
Its refreshing to read your distance through your humour and choice of words.
I like it !!
Dear Mr Tudor,
The Emotional Department I’m in …. states in its policies absolutely no contact and any deviations will not be sorely tolerated. The departmental Head Giant (HG) states if we detour in any way, it will affect our future performances and lead to dire consequences.
As I luv the work I’m doing, I wish to stay focused and have been given many resources on how to help improve my emotions to my fullest potential. He’s a tough boss, however he’s most lenient and fair and produces an extremely high success rate. It’s not for everyone, however, if you apply yourself the rewards are amazing and long term. No contact has been an easy policy for me to maintain with very little testing, side effects, distractions or consequences.
I recommend him to any future candidate who would be interested in focusing on “The Advancement of Emotional Thinking”.
His polls are pretty amazing as well.
Bubbles
Haha. I enjoyed your memo.
Shanks NarcAngel …. that makes me extremely humblefied … … I appreciate your feedback … hugs precious 😘
That was really cute, Bubbles… and most accurate.
I escaped, then it took him a week to bring my mail to me at work. I thanked him, blew him a kiss and told him to take care of himself. I had it planned and had rehearsed it, so I was calm, displaying no charge. I never looked back and never answered another attempt at him trying to reach me. His calls/texts have finally stopped for now (it’s been 2 months since the last attempt, 3 months since my last response. 30 days of this lapsed time he was in jail for assault & battery on the lass he discarded prior to me). I am “no contact” strong for the most part with the calls and messages. My biggest problem is handling the overwhelming amount of anxiety and emotional vomit when he is in the same room or I see him on the streets. I don’t want to make eye contact whatsoever because I can’t channel the emotion in a healthy way. It oozes from me, I get hives and rashes on my neck and chest. I want to scratch his eyes out! Definitely jeopardizing the no contact hiatus when he unexpectedly arrives somewhere I am hanging out.
Well I’m about 2 weeks or so now. Let’s see how long it lasts. I’m hopeful but I never quite trust myself but I do know this, you may stumble many times but there eventually comes a day when you don’t and all those feelings of addiction stop. You won’t be able to put your finger on the exact day it stopped you will just know it stopped
Keep the faith that one day it does stop. If you have stumbled, just pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Ask yourself questions like what need is contacting him going to fill? Practice makes perfect
Stay strong, Lori! You can do this! In addition to asking yourself what need contacting the narc would fill, I think it’s also important to remember that the most likely outcome of such contact is going to be more pain. It may offer a quick relief initially but it will inevitably cause more pain in the end.
Thanks Lori. This gives me hope. Took my 5 or 6 trys to quit smoking. I guess like any addition, when your mind is ready, it is easy.
-When I see a film/hear a song/ smell the AIR of any given season (lol). makes me nostalgic, maybe even momentarily question if NC is even necessary with one of my narcs as I was DLS and never ending golden period, and only benign hoovers so far.
-When I’m struggling with single parenthood, my sons disability, finances, stress, can make me miss my one narc’s constant ego boosting
(Plus getting me smokes, food, boots, candleholders, a blender…whatever I want or need )
HG you forgot an option — WHEN YOU ARE HORNY. I’m highly sexual,and have grown used to fantastic frequent sex the last five years. I’ve been celibate for a few months to get my head on straight and focus on myself, but when I get horny, my narcs are of course options for a good time if I gave in. Once I’ve gone a month without sex, my mood gets a bit funny, at least when I’m ovulating. So perhaps WHEN YOU ARE ON YOUR PERIOD, OVULATING, OR HAVE PMS should also be an option.
Fair point, although according to NA you can just reach for that vibrating friend instead!
HG, come ON 😂 No comparison!
Now, a good personal massage portable multi setting showerhead gives him a run for his money….and it never lies to me 😉
vibrating friend, a lot of funny comments today. I agree with “W”. In fact, yes no comparison. At that moment we just need the narcissist to finish the business then we can throw him away and go No Contact. You thought that a tool can compensate because it works for narcissists.
Tala,
I don’t know if I agree. My vibrating friends have always been a whole lot more effective and reliable than my cerebral narc husband ever was. I hear women talking about great sex with narcissists, but I remain skeptical. It sure was NOT my experience.
It wouldn’t be WS as he was a Cerebral.
I think this was the only area my ex was afraid of me….total loss of control and a very disappointing experience for me.
Can this happen HG, I mean the look on his face was WTF and then he realized what happen and threw me across the room and went well let’s just say I was very surprised by his reaction.
It can.
Aha,
It is ok Windstorm, you can say it strongly that you disagree. It must have been difficult to live with a cerebral narcissist. And you are correct, to my knowledge, cerebral narcs don’t enjoy sex.
By the way, I use none of sexual tools. To me it is a waste of time, I would rather play the scene and fantasize it in my head. Less effort, better result.
W,
I can relate. Every time I become sexually aroused, or feel hurt. That’s when I would become tempted to reach out to the most recent narcissist I was speaking to.
My counselor told me to find a favorite actor and focus on him instead, that it would have the same effect.
But that only works for a little while.
So instead I keep myself busy working 56 hours a week, going to my kids sporting events, meditating, exercising, talking on the phone, and studying.
If I stay busy then I don’t have time to think about him.
The legal system.
I hope HG will not use this vote against his victims.
No, I do not need to.
I voted: “When you suffer/remember an injustice caused by the narcissist” and “When you learn the narcissist is experiencing problems or a difficulty”.. Again, I think there’s another good option that is missing from this poll.. When the narcissist tries to hoover and does not totally specify the nature of their reason to contact you, you can fall victim to curiosity and finding out exactly what they want.. It breaks no contact every single time..
Ha! I confess my narcissistic trait of revanchism is what made me break No Contact more than once, stalking the Nex on his social media just to see his despair trying to increase his Fuel Matrix after being deprived of the secured source. Now I am 9 Months into The Right No Contact and would like to say I will never do wrong again but, as the Boss says, “Never Immune, Always Resisting”.
The first month after brake-up it was hard. All the things we shared remembered me of him. But then it stopped and I was not tempted to talk to him again (he comes back, from time to time).
It would be interesting and inspiring to many of us (I suppose) to make a poll with the question: “What made your NC successfull?”
To me it was seeing through him (HG’s blog opened my eyes, ever since then I had second thoughts with everything he said or did) and finally understanding what narcissistic love actually is.
When I realized that when he said “I love you”, he actually meant “I love how much you love me, I love that you see how amazing I am” – since then it has lost its fatal attraction to me.
I only speak to her because of my child. I’m thinking of going no contact with the pair of them because he has been trained to be abusive as well. I will give him a chance and set some boundaries with him but ultimately I need to consider my mental health
Thanks to your education HG, I have not broken no contact. Heading to 13 months narc Free! What a difference a year makes 🙂
I want to share with you, the #1 post of yours I’ve shared the most in narc abuse healing groups is
https://narcsite.com/?s=Devastation+of+the+illusion+&submit=Search
Countless times… it’s a real eye opener!
Thank you for your work and I hope you are quite well!
Peaceful.
PS: will you be doing a live Q & A anytime this summer?
Thank you, yes it is an effective piece and I am pleased you have shared it. A live Q and A is well overdue and should take place but it will not be before August.
lovely
Peaceful
Glad to hear that you are well and still no contact. I like to think about people who have moved on or are here much less often now out enjoying their new found freedom and life, so it is nice when it is confirmed. Take care.
NA
NarcAngel
The polls are an excellent way to hoover back the graduates.
Dear NarcAngel and K,
I like both of your comments …. very good
Mr Bubbles and I only just received our newsletter and the weasel featured in more than one piccie being portrayed as the “class spectacle” at a prestigious dinner. He’s embarrassing to look at and a fool because everyone around him knows it …. except him! Being a narcissist can make ones self quite oblivious and blinded to their own stupidity and idiosy. He deliberately wore apparel that drew attention and stood out alone.
I look back now and reflect…. “what the hell was I thinking”
In the Care Dept ….there’s nope nothing …. not one care do I give … I’m all out of cares.
I have learnt dearly from the experience ….however my finger is forever on my pulse now … one extra beat now and I’m gone. I’m such a magnet and so addicted to helping people, I need to stay here to keep focused, read reread and repeat. My family are always pulling me in and reminding me.
If anyone now ever needs fixing or drowning, they can paddle their own canoe or they should’ve taken bloody swimming lessons …. like I did!
Hugs to you two lovelies xx
Thank you, dear Bubbles!
The Weasel’s grandiosity is showing. Look at me everyone! As he struts about fanning out his Peacock feathers to attract fuel. He is projecting and he can’t see it because his narcissism blinds him to it. It can be very embarrassing, especially when the Lessers do it. They are delusional.
I, too, often wonder: What the hell was I thinking?!
Stay here and keep reading. You need to beat the emotion out of you with logic. And only help those who truly deserve it. You just have to figure out who that is, so be prudent.
Life is either sink or swim and sometimes we have to stop helping the wrong people and let them sink.
Hugs to you too!
Well done Bubbles I look forward to being in the place you are one day xxxx
Nothing is more devastating/demeaning than my own big mouth and the quest for truth, answers, and justice (especially after being smeared). It is a huge challenge to stay quiet and let it go. And to block… oy, that is a beastly challenge. If they haven’t smeared, just disappeared, it is SO hard to block…
I cannot believe this post, because I broke No Contact yesterday. I left him years ago and owing to complex property issues in Italy ( we have a holiday place there), it’s taken an age for lawyers here in UK and Italy to finally draft the correct legal paperwork. The narc moved to Melbourne in March 2017 with the new target (she left her children aged 20,22 and 23 in the UK) after I vigorously maintained No Contact. However, he is not responding to legal reminders to sign the paperwork. I sent an email yesterday which said in the header “You have the paperwork. Time for us to let go with love”. I was careful just to be brief and did it because if his partner has access to his emails then she’ll see that he is stalling. I heard when they left that he was planning to marry her there but that “his wife was delaying the process”. This of course, was a total lie. I’ve spent a fortune on legal costs (he made it a condition of the divorce that I pick up the fees)and now the lawyers just want to get it done. What do you think he will take from this HG? Your thoughts would be enormously helpful.
Hello Teresa, I can certainly assist you and provide answers. In view of the detail required both ways a consultation would be the appropriate option.
Shred those pictures… delete those pictures.
When you have a restraining order in place– it cannot be tested by me— he however has made one attempt and now has a violation on his record, he won’t be doing that again…
Shannon, my ex made numerous attempts when violating my restraining order. My favorite was the spoofing–thinking he was getting away with being a third-party harassing me using an innocent person’s phone number to call me and hang up after silence. There are ways to find out where the calls originate from. But I sincerely hopes he leaves you alone. When I’m finished, I’m finished.
My own thinking tests no contact. once I start to reshape the past and reevaluate his behavior my desire to let him off the hook slowly creeps over me… There is nothing so powerful as the finesse with which I lie to myself. If I am honest, I was more eager than he to excuse his behavior and create elaborate, fantasy-based reasoning for his inability to change.
I often did his work for him. And that’s the TRUTH.
Dickforlong
I admire how honest with yourself you are. Most people cant or wont accept that much less declare it.
Thanks NA…. Know thyself. I try to live consciously….. And be honest about volunteering for abuse. I appreciate the feedback.
Ive not gone no contact so this only applies to me in the times ive disengaged. Even when i had disengaged it was not a true no contact bc i left the lines of communication open. True no contact is when you cant follow them and they cant contact you. I never bloked my narc so ive never gone full no contact.
When i did disengage what had me open to going back was the gap of time without him and how painful it was due to my emotional thinking. Emotional thinking is part of the process and only those willing to work thru it can truely be free. It hurts and is a very lonely place. Its also a loss which needs to be grieved. Letting go of someone who meant so much and filled a void or helped you avoid certain realities in life is difficult to do. The more time that elapses the more entwined you become and the more complicated it is.
Emotional thinking is part and parcel with going no contact and why a full no contact is crucial or as close to it as you can get. Youre at your weakest when you end a relationship and can be the most vulnerable to being coerced into going back.
No contact is the most difficult step to take and maintain. I admire those that have done it and thats when youre able to see thru the fog and heal. Grief fades with time but it takes time and its when you are going thru the withdrawals and weak moments when no contact is your safety net.
Chihuahuamom, all of this you said about emotional thinking was true for me. It was the hardest part of ending it with my online narc. This site helped so much with that. It also helps that the relationship was not as long as yours, and it was mostly online, so there were fewer ties to him and there is little chance of ever running into him anywhere. Being a year away from contact with that narc, the emotional thinking is mostly gone.
“Letting go of someone who meant so much and filled a void or helped you avoid certain realities in life is difficult to do.” My top selection here was when I’m struggling with something in life. The narc did not help with those things in a concrete way, but he was a major escape from them. What you said about avoiding certain realities rang true for me so just wanted to say I understand what you mean here. Even now, when there is a tense day with hubby, I “miss” the narc in feeling pulled to indulge that addiction again, but it’s very general, and so obvious that it’s not about the narc at all, but the distraction he provided.
CM and Mary,
I am 100% in agreement with you both here. My hard days are also when something is off with hubby or there is just a situation that is stressful…the narc would be such a good distraction on those days! They can fill the void so easily, they are very practiced at it.
I agree with Mary that is isn’t even about the narc, but the validation and distraction itself. I don’t even like my narc as a person really, some of his attributes are very off putting haha, but man he could make me feel better in an instant just by giving his attention (FUEL in our empathic way).
CM no contact is rough, I had physical withdrawal for several days – meaning constant panic attacks, nausea, I even vomited a few times – and had to hide all of it from my husband and kids. Not fun. But showed me that it really was an addiction, not anything more or less. When you are ready you will do it and you will be successful, we all have to reach that point where we are willing to go through it. You are already getting there with the shine coming off the relationship with your increasing knowledge.
Mary hearing you say it gets much better is so uplifting, I often doubt it and figure I will be stuck in this OK but precarious place forever.
When he guilts me I have a hard time. I guess I keep thinking maybe this time he means it. Also I have always wanted closure..to have him talk about things he did.
Christine
He’ll never talk honestly about what he did and give you closure. That goes too much against their self-concept.
Get your closure here. Consult with HG and talk with all of us about questions you have about his behavior. “Closure” is just another word for understanding. We can all get that right here on this blog.
Correct.
Thank you for this. It is hard to accept but I do know I need to just walk away head held high. I have made the decision to move and not tell him. It seems to be the only way to end the rollercoaster we have been on.
Christine
Best of luck to you in your move. Keep learning and stay strong!
Mine wasn’t listed. It would have to be perceived disapproval due to triggered childhood memories. I grew up always afraid I was in trouble. Having been raised by a narcissist and a sociopath, I never knew when I was in trouble. I would get in trouble for things manufactured by my parents and lose their approval (silent treatment, physical punishment, withholding love, etc.) and never know why. I would work very hard to get the golden period back so that I could regain approval again.
Recently I decided in my head, as I’ve done many times before, that the ex narc was able to find all my comments here. I was so in my head that I emailed HG looking for reassurance that it didn’t happen. I didn’t want to be “in trouble” with the narc. I realized several hours later that I really did mean all that I’ve posted on this blog and that I was okay. The belief that I was in trouble with him was historical. When you’re hysterical it’s usually historical. I emailed HG back and said as much. I was okay. It didn’t matter what he found. He still hated me regardless of what I’ve written here.
I’m deathly afraid of being in trouble and not knowing why. At least once a week I’m afraid I’m going to get fired for some random reason. I haven’t been fired. In fact, I get promoted and I get great reviews and bonuses. I’m just consistently afraid.
As a result I’ve broken no contact in my mind a thousand times. It’s a bitch.
12345, Oh those subconscious fears! Apparently I am afraid that if I succeed I’ll go crazy and people will suffer horribly. Maybe that’s because narcissists were the ones in charge when I was a kid? They aren’t exactly the best rolemodels.
Strength <3
You are right – NC is a bitch and is hard.
Why the f did I wanted to hear from him again ?
That is crazy – it won’t lead me anywhere/ oh yes to more destruction .
In fact it is hard when you break it / it’s kind of a failure – it’s easier when you are in it.
Not hearing about him -‘makes my life better – more joy- more calm- more focus on my life.
I don’t understand how I slided .
Oh I understand – a joyful moment where I felt powerful/ I overestimated the distance I had taken from him .
I can relate to the narc parent (and grandparent), the fear of being “in trouble”, always a mess of anxiety. My parents didn’t do the silent treatment. I was punished constantly, with the explanation being “you KNOW what you did” (I never knew). Verbal, physical, and psychological torture. It never. goes. away.
I chose only two:
1. The smearing. This one I find very difficult to let go. If I hear that there is some injustice towards me, I get in a revenge mode myself and start to plot a revenge. I suppose the narcs I was involved with know this, as I experienced this on a few occasions when I would escape or put some boundaries in a relationship, the smearing would always start. Previously I felt justified of doing so, but afterwards I would always feel very drained and most of the time it brought me only temporarily a small amount of satisfaction. At the end it is just a pride thing I guess who will win the “war”. But after learning about NPD I know now if you remove yourself from the war zone, there is no war to fight anymore and I am choosing my battles more wisely now.
2. Hearing about the troubles of a narcissist.
This is also a difficult one. When I hear about those troubles especially in the form of a hoover, it is difficult to resist, only if they are of the benign nature. For the malign one I am more determined to stay NC, I do not feel the need to say anything after I reached my boiling point so to speak. But with the benign one, I struggle sometimes to stay NC. It is not that I think that I can fix their problems or anything like that (I would never lend them money, give a place to stay or start the FR again) but yeah, I do fight against my nature of listening to them and try to lift them up mentally.
For me it was the ally in “my camp” it’s hard not to respond to the other people. (Also had to change my number twice)
Can’t vote because it’s borked: showing me the results not the boxes. But i’d say with regards to my family (the real source of my displacement heartbreak):
*When you suffer/remember an injustice caused by the narcissist (12%, 13 Votes) – BY FAR
– Confronting them is never a good idea, it really destabalises me and puts me in an emotional warzone that also seems really unnecessary, but sometimes it just really gets to me and i try to push it out of me. When i stopped projecting these feelings onto the narc, he wasn’t strong enough to endure my resistance – i was left with the abyss of those feelings. The narc was a substitite where i could escape via kind of, sexualised escapism, which in my pain is actually a relief but also very distracting and destructive as well. So i need to move forward and that’s scary. Knowing about their indifference and the lazy selfishness of their choices, their unworthiness of my suffering, doesn’t seem to help, as i’m not good at compartmentalising.
If it was just a bad boyfriend, i wouldn’t care. I wanted it to just be that.
1. When I remember an injustice.
2. When I am reminded of my MMRN (a place).
3. When I struggle with money.
When my resolve is tested, I want to shout “off with his head!” like the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland.
I did break no contact in the past through hurt and anger of what he had done and realising it had all been lies. This goes hand in hand with my second, which is not put as an option, which is; I had found out all about Narcissism and recognised the traits so my reason to break no contact was to hurl them all at him with examples and injure him. Guess a part of me wanted him to prove it wasn’t true and give me justifiable answers to contradict my call outs but he couldn’t, the empty twat just blocked me.
Learning what he was left me feeling desolate that couldn’t fix him and there was no future, This mixed with hating him for all the lies and pain made me want to break no contact to hurt him back. I just felt angry that I was left with all the pain and he was as happy as a pig in shit. It actually scared me the mixed emotions inside me, extremes of deep love mixed with festering explosive rage. Was like I wanted to release the anger. It was scary I felt like I wanted to physically beat the shit out of him and I’m not an aggressive person. I still feel aggrieved that he got away with what he did unscathed and sometimes I still hunger for retribution which makes me realise I’m still not healed. I had to take up box fit and kick boxing lol the other class members all comment that they can feel my anger exploding. It really helped. All I want now is total indifference. I’m getting there it’s been slow but it’s speeding up now. I’m convinced he will never hoover me I’m too dangerous lol. He’s knows he will just get all the call outs again.
Get into his spheres of influence and you’ll eventually get hoovered.
Always Resisting
Never immune
Correct.
Thanks for warning but he’s Greek and in Greece but be sure I will be on here asking for help to stay strong should he do so, you guys would be the first to know, but to be honest why would he come back when all I do is present him with his narc mirror and reasons why he’s impossible to live with. I would enjoy the word games with him but I won’t go there as I know it would emotionally screw me up again, not worth it for a few moments character destruction.
It works better in the opposite order:
Never immune but
ALWAYS RESISTING
(temptation is present but we can OVERCOME it)
Thank you for the poll HG. I love these!
I only choose two: birthdays/holidays and if they’re having problems
I relapsed a few weeks ago and broke no contact after getting dumped by a non-narc girlfriend. A combination of being upset over the break-up and having too much to drink allowed my emotional thinking to surge. Instead of calling HG, I texted my MMRN hoping to cause a hoover. My emotional thinking conned me into thinking that if I let the MMRN know I was in distress and thinking about her, she’d sense blood in the water and hoover. Thankfully, I’m still on the shelf and my MMRN did not respond.
The good news is when I rejoined the dating world, I had a date with someone who I quickly recognized as a likely MRN (constant smearing about ex’s/huge sense of entitlement/making and cancelling plans on a whim). Thanks to HG, I recognized what was going on and didn’t fall for that again. So remember everyone, better call HG!
Damn right!
Good for you well done x
Better Call HG
I like your name!!
I find pictures are really hard for me. The actual Hoover really started at my bday . I was in a great mood so answered to his text joyfully and was happy to let him know There was going to be a good bash and a lot of people and that I was well surrounded etc
After the bash – he kept texting and I wanted more of that exciting energy. There was 3 man in my life – I felt strong and powerful and immune.
The a picture of him – the one that seduced me 2 years ago on a dating app- he sent me a …
Should we start anew ?
Pictures gets me angry – gets me nostalgic and happy too. They have a big power over me.
I jkeepmlooking at that picture and can feel how refreshing this relation was at the beginning- emotions surges very easily for me.
So now I know Inam in trouble.
Oh OMJ be careful.
Thanks Lynn ! I know I have to go back NC- like Caroline was saying it’s hard to go back NC once you have engaged again – but I know that is the answer.
OMJ, I also got the ‘shall we start anew?’, ‘the new year gives us a chance to start new’, ‘no more lies’, etc. My heart of course wanted to believe in a new path. But it was just a method for bringing me back in. He was never truly remorseful. He was just ensuring one of his fuel sources stayed in place. It was up to me to go NC and stay NC because he’d still be there spouting off such bs!
You are totally right.
so hard bless you. Try to stay strong. I used to be sad I wasn’t hovered but now I’m glad I don’t want that stuff anymore. I really do know I won’t hear from him again. How is your strength today OMG?
Hello Lynn ! Thanks for asking.
I am still in the scent of NC. I can still feel the distance and harvesting the gain I did while I was NC.
He contacts me once a day or twice and I respond.
He has not called in a few days this is how I know he is on the hunt for new IPSS.
So my strength is that unlike before – i don’t want to go back in a relation with him and that my ego and self worth are in good standing .
I never looked as good as I do now.
I glow – people tell me
My intellectual focus and strengths are back
So I cherish this and won’t go in a relation with him and he won’t try it because he knows I will go back NC.
He wants my brain and my connections to help his business and he wants to reward it. On that front he always delivered on his financial promises.
He told me I can tell my boss he is my boyfriend and that I am doing work for him . I know that was a test to see my reaction.
So – I have a lot of great sex with other man – have so many great people around me who loves me – I live in a wonderful place- I use my brain- I am in shape and really look awesome – and he is in the background – enjoying his countless IPSS and his IPPS. That is the actual portray.
Get busy please, take a walk, destroy pictures, I burned my ex’s pix in a cleansing ceremony! Lol my cravings last about 20 minutes so if I can get busy, after 20 minutes trigger is gone. I hope this works for you. Also, remember it always ends . . , and it usually ends worse than the time before.
My girlfriend just buried her only daughter. Her boyfriend brutally murdered her by stabbing her over and over because she tried to break up with him. Sociopaths can be very dangerous. My ex was a rapist.
Picture the worse thing that can happen . . . take Lynn’s advice. Please be careful. X