A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 62

 

NA LETTER

Hello H.G
Well now how could I exclude one of the two most influential Narcs in my life? Influential for very different reasons of course.
I have reflected on my interaction with you and your work on many an occasion. On the one hand I am aware that you are an insufferable bastard to many in your personal life and have caused much chaos. Dangerous. I never lose sight of that fact, but it does not prevent me from looking to the other hand to celebrate those things about you that deserve to be.
There are others Im sure that would find this letter in accordance with their own confusion about you, and still others that would find it a distasteful display of fawning over you. Matters not to me as these are my thoughts and observations and I make no apologies for them. I wish to appease no one.
You dont get a pass because of your childhood, but I can see how being denied the love and acceptance that you so craved and deserved, saw you searching for a way to stop the cruelty that replaced them. A solution that would not have it become just a lesson in sadism and an act of futility, but one that would result in success and recognition, as why should you be denied that after all that you suffered? You had after all an example of effectiveness right before you in your Mother. If you would become her-you would not suffer you, yes? And a very effective machine you did become indeed. Despite debate about this, I do believe we need people like you in the world. People who would blanche at that might consider the following: (with just the information offered and not altering the scenario).
In a military operation thats success would ensure an end to war, would you:
Strike a school full of children where the coward responsible and his pillars of power are hiding out (and this is your only opportunity), or spare the school at the cost of ongoing conflict, lives of countless soldiers, their children, and innocent civilians?
In a flood: Faced with saving either your brother whom you love and has lived 65 years, or a baby that has its whole life ahead, what would you do?
As a surgeon: taking action that will extend a life but in insufferable pain, or greatly reduce the amount of life but in relative comfort? (assuming they cannot make the decision themselves).
Oh and make these decisions quickly will you-time is of the essence.
Not so black and white now is it? Well……not to US, but there are those who can assess these situations quickly with hard logic-not blinding emotion, and in those cases we may consider who has the perceived disability.
These situations of course result in some benefit to both sides and exclude those that in   the perspective of most, you choose to perpetrate for your own needs- but from your perspective, you believe to be necessary to survival. That seems to be the crux of the matter and begs much further investigation and a true willingness for both sides to suspend ego, understand, and accept if there is ever to be change.
It is also not the reason for empaths to do as they do, but we might consider our own egos and the fact that without people like you, how would the empath shine as the beacon of light we believe ourselves to be? Who would they fix and heal? Pour their life into to feel satisfied, whole, and complete in gaining (or going without in some cases) reciprocity? Candles are less celebrated in full sunshine.
I do not believe all of your kind deserve to bask in our light, but because of your intelligence and effectiveness, you have found a way (while not your goal) that benefits others while you achieve your own aims. I will say I find that approach to be genius as I have not seen this kind of success elsewhere that looks to be a possible catalyst to change in this behavioural dynamic of empaths and narcissists. Your approach and work in your articles, books, interviews, and the blog community have definitely affected me and changed me in some ways. They have given me answers and some peace where I had restlessness. I feel I have grown in the unlikeliest of gardens. I still dont know love, but when I make a choice intellectually and not instinctively not to harm someone, perhaps that is a kind of love in its own way?
My feeling is that rather than demand that you change and bend to our will (which seems acceptable by some collective and pre-determined notion that is still unclear to me), I choose to take the action that is available to me and that ensures success for ME.
To limit my interaction with your kind where possible (unavoidable in such situations as work and family) and to those that result in mutual benefit (this would appear to exclude intimate relationships due to the “mutual” component).
To hold to a core principal that my boundaries are respected, and when they are not-to understand that changing them to accommodate your lack of them is not an act of love, but of emotional self-flagellation, and that if I do allow them to be breached that I should look inward for answers-not excuses or blame.
So HG………witty, intelligent, malevolent, humorous, thought provoking, manipulating, charming, articulate, scheming, talented, effective, larger than life, dominating, Author, brother, controller, educator, alleged sexual benefactor, Titan, son, ground breaker, …and well this space isnt large enough to list them all………hats off.
To my mind, little HG has managed to mine much gold from the barren mine that was his childhood to find a way that works for him, and while that may not sit well with others and they beg for your further introspection and improvement, I say we have not walked in your shoes and that we are not always entirely successful in walking in ours. It seems from both perspectives we need elements of each other but feel they should be offered and not have to be taken by force.
I will continue to avail myself of all that you and your kind have to offer that benefits me, and I offer of myself positivity, traits, and strength that I have in abundance and am more than willing to share, but only to the point that they do not diminish me or those I care about in any way. Anything else you require to feel complete is for you to resolve and not my concern.
Little HG shines in you to my kind brighter than my red cloak to yours and of course therin lies the problem. Despite that-it is a light that you cannot extinguish any more than I can mine. It shines brighter than, and drives any success you have enjoyed to date. He is stronger than you recognize. Stronger than your mother ever was. Strong in spite of her, and guides you and others despite your lack of consent or belief that adult HG runs the show. Its possible we’re more alike than we think, in that we’re not the only ones who dont see things as they really are. Possible.
With respect
NA
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606 Comments

  1. Wow.
    Your letter was very good NA.
    Both of them.
    It did not deserve all this sh*t attached to it.
    This type of drama has been occurring far too often on the blog.
    The reason I mostly just read now.
    When I think this is done ,
    come back and read,
    I am hit with it again.
    Attacks on readers.
    I feel compelled to address it.
    I know it is pointless.
    But, NA, you once encouraged me to speak up more on the blog.

    Anyone who uses logic can see what all this really is.
    This truly has provided the best example of narcissitic manipulations on the blog.

    Upon looking through past blog comments.
    Just now after reading this thread.
    Took awhile.
    I found three potential past culprits.
    That may be “Aunt Clara”
    Emotion Detective, Vasti and Claudia.
    Only one has posted under vast user names.
    As HG indicated.
    However I do not rule out the other two could be that ONE.
    Or other posters too.

    This person has manipulated the blog for years
    from what I have observed.
    Behaviours that range from love bombing, devaluation,
    disengagement and then that cycle repeated.
    Lashing out at other readers
    Expressing anger and jealousy to HG.
    Attention seeking.
    Pity plays.
    Victimization.
    Acts of revenge and smearing.
    Never constructive contributions to the blog.
    These truly do highlight the extreme nature of narcissistic dynamic.

    I do not believe this ever had anything to do with NAs letter.
    More the continuation of an unfolding drama.
    To create toxicity and chaos.
    To wound and to fuel.
    This exemplifies the need to use logic over emotion.
    To not allow oneself to be swept up in the drama.
    To not engage when red flags are
    presented.

    HG your work is very valuable to those of us who
    are here to read and learn to heal.
    For ourselves and for family and friends and co workers.
    To support each other through your work.
    Thank you for showing us the truth in this blog.
    So we can apply it IRL.

    BTW. Aunt Clara. To be clear.
    Yes, HG is calling you a narcissist.
    Well, without him using the words, of course.
    He is allowing your behaviour to say as much.
    Carry on, as you will, do and have.
    It is evident,
    you will always be present on-the blog in some form.

    1. U r wrong analise13. My posts are restricted to this letter & one other short statement on another blog . Nowhere else. I ve never manipulated “the blog for years”. Lies. I’m fine possessing narcissistic characteristics & u repeating & clarifying a past comment doesn’t make me love myself any less. I don’t care if I’m a narcissist it works for me. So that u knw – it’s not always easy to manage those characteristics. They’re a blessing & a curse & require a lot of control. Like the cognizant vampire who chains himself up at night for he is one of the good vampires & his aim is to protect people by waging an internal battle against himself. Hg Tudor is indeed right encouraging people to learn from this exchange.

    1. You would need all the forces in UK and US to defend you. Her majesty would be the first to condemn. Btw, I have referred to daily participants that attack newcomers as campers to H.G. in emails. I say that because that’s there primary role or goal. They aren’t really here to encourage others neither are they willing to spread the word. Allowing this message to be released twice speaks volumes on how she can contribute to this blog.

      This is not an attack towards H.G. although no stranger. However, my borderline, bipolar and narc??characteristics hinder my growth at times . I am inspired knowing more people have awareness of this personality disorder.Some people perceptions are that the person must be successful, or a certain class to be a narcisst.

      Which, brings me to this question. HG,,why would a narc seek therapy and take psycho meds if they are narcs? The obvious answer is to secure the IPPS is threatening to leave. But, why would they hide or dent it? As, I am typing my the answers are popping in my head.

      1. Do you mean YOLO why would the narcissist agree to enter therapy (see But I Can Change for the detail on why they would do so) but why would they then hide that they are entering therapy or derail that therapy?

  2. When I first read this letter, I was nicely surprised! A letter to HG! HG is definitely an influential narcissist to many here. It is not a love letter. ‘Sexual benefactor’ is documented in great detail in ‘Sex and the Narcissist.’ It is published and public information.

    Sadly, NA’s childhood was traumatic. Her stepdad was a heartless lesser and her mom was not able to stand up to him. This is devastating for a child. NA had other siblings that she felt she needed to take care of (pls correct me if I am wrong NA). Yet she was powerless at the same time, being a child herself.

    She is no longer powerless. She survived it! In addition, she now has a narc on her side – one who does not belittle her but wants what is best for her. This is why we are so grateful to hg and why we feel that he is a narc in our lives worth recognition and worth writing a letter to.

    We all have narcissistic traits. But we do not all develop full blown NPD. I applaud those here who have been through a traumatic childhood yet do not develop npd. NA is one of them. There are many others but I will not name them. They have survived! And in the end they do not hurt others but rather try to help others. It is respectable and commendable.

    Fact: Hg has no favorites because he is a narc and everyone is replaceable.

    1. Jenna

      Thank you.
      We have come a long way with each other haven’t we? We did not have the best of starts. We challenged each other, and over time learned to really listen to what the other was saying and to their experience to better understand and to determine intent. Not always easy to do. You stood up to me and for yourself Jenna in providing me the information about why you feel the way you do and how things affect you and that helped me to form a different view. Thank you. That takes a strength that I hope you recognize in yourself.

      1. Hi narcangel,

        We have indeed come a long way with each other, and it brings happy tears to my eyes. Thank you for saying that I have strength. It means alot to me coming from you. I have learned alot from you. I have learned to put my emotional thinking aside, because in the end, it is what gave me back my life and my sanity.

        I appreciate your presence here very much. The blog is not the same without you. Your wit, humour, good nature, articulate comments, and direct advice is so needed on a site like this where everyone has been hurt. I realized you truly cared for me more than narc ever did, and I felt powerful knowing hg, narcangel, clarece, windstorm, k, nuit etoilee and others wanted the best for me. You made me realize that.

        Only a few pple in my personal life know my story because I was not at liberty to disclose it. But here, everyone knows it. I feel a warm connection with so many here. Obviously it would be nice to meet but since that is not possible, exchanging typed words and heartfelt sentiments will do just fine.

        Thank you narcangel. Your letter rocks!!

    2. Yeah because NarcAngel is the only person in the world who has had a hard life. Everybody goes through difficulties one way or another & battles through like a soldier without the pandering for favoritism with cookie letters of infatuation (then ironically tells others to refrain from such messages themselves!) & virtue signaling in almost every comment. Vomit! Virtue signaling is another word for narcissism. I enjoy everyone’s comments (not referenced to me) not b/c they are all in depth analysis but it’s good to understand various points of view – aside form NarcAngel’s – & 1 other – comment saved for l8r. U still accept letters Hg Tudor? U may get 1 fr. me & I get to choose the picture ….

      1. Aunt Clara, you may have noticed I’ve been troubled by your comments. I wish to explain the backstory and why I’ve been so desperately wishing for you to ATQs. You see, I have a very dear friend and colleague who is suicidal. I’m not sure where you live, but we live in America and have been affected by the recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Boudain. My dear friend recently purchased a gun after five years of suicidal ideation. She ‘reassures’ me she has not purchased the bullets yet. She says I’m the only one she opens up to completely and in depth about her plan. I’ve continuously tried to get her to seek the help of a professional as I’m not skilled but to no avail. I’ve read all of the suicide prevention websites and have personally sought (on my own dime, not that it matters) specific counseling for myself in regards to helping my friend. When she and I ‘dive deep’ to the source of her pain and why she would choose suicide as an option, she can only tell me how much it bothers her that person ‘A’ or person ‘B’ is afforded this preferential treatment or gets this attention or promotion while she feels ‘invisible’ and ‘unheard’. I constantly implore her to focus on her gifts and uniqueness and not focus on others, appreciating herself. I’ve even looked into ‘codependency’ support groups in my area. I love my friend but recognize I can’t save her. I’ve been trying to appeal to the ’empath’ side of you for some additional insight to my friend. I’ve also relied on my trusty friend Google which, after typing in key words, has lead me to learning about ‘grandiose vs. vulnerable NPD’. I wonder if my friend suffers from the latter. Anyway, I hope you ‘hear’ my appeal to you for insight Aunt Clara. Thank you for listening.

      2. Aunt Clara, I’m just really hoping that you’re not the narc some are accusing you of being and can really help me help my friend who expresses herself very similarly to you. Thank you again for listening.

  3. NarcAngel has never ever denied the preferential treatment she receives on this site from HG Tudor. HG Tudor never ever denied that NarcAngel is his favourite blogger either. No express denials by either one in those words.

    Nobody has commented on why NarcAngel tries so hard to tell other women to stop their fantasy of HG Tudor & his sexy voice yet her entire letter is about her and hg Tudor. She is protecting her catch hg t & needs to hoover over his comments on many articles when he pays attention to other women – -and she adds her own immediately after like a jealous woman to ensure he knows she is present willing and able to maintain her standing in his eyes.. & thumb print on his forehead … so damn obvious. How U Tudor have not realised this is beyond me….the way u inform people about narcs I now inform u about a matter u appear blind to or ur too stubborn 2 accept it or just ‘…. whipped into submission ie golden period’ ……

    I just love how HG Tudor has been hoodwinked by NarcAngel. The Great Elite Narcissist himself has been swallowed like a little fish by the Great White Narcissist Angel. Lolol HG Tudor you have downgraded from the Great Elite to a Mid-Range.

    This is so funny and ironic.

    1. Those who allege must prove and you have failed repeatedly to do so. You’ve been given repeated opportunities to do so and you’ve (predictably) failed. No further comments rom you on this matter will be aired.

      1. How could none of you gotten this ? I am the only confessed diagnosed Codependent on this page for Christ sake!

        Only a Codepebdent would take up with a narc on a narcissistic abuse blog because when a codependent sees a narc she thinks where there is a will there is a way!

        I’m giving all of you a D on this assignment ok a D+

        I’m glad my secret is out. It was quite load to carry but being the Codepebdent I am, I was able to manage

        Sorry I have to start the camp fire for HG and I. He makes me do everything

    1. What??? I’m his lover so you cannot be! He would never two-time, 3-time, 4-time, etc. me! I stroke his ahhh ego more than any other! Lori, no hate . . . it just cannot be true. Lol/jk

  4. Done! Complete….Finito! You got any problems with HG, then take it up with him, email him! You got any problems with NA, sort it out by email rather than on here!

    What did I learn from this?!

    1) Nobody will know the truth, nor can they!
    2) Everyone likes to have their say (including me) and feel they have to defendexplain themselves, including HG.
    3) People love arguing, fighting, and slinging accusations at each other.
    4) Everyone likes to think they are right, or to prove a point!
    5) Nobody actually cares or is interested in making peace.
    6) Narcs rules, narcs blog, narcs always win!

    1. 1. Yes they do, I know the truth,
      2. People do like to express their views, yes,
      3. Not at all.
      4. Not at all.
      5. Not the case.
      6. Irrelevant to the issue on this thread. It was about an unsubstantiated assertion which has been forensically taken apart, nothing to do with the rules of the narcissist.

      1. Well at least I laid it out in like a numbered list, as I know you seem to like those…

    2. Dear tigerchelle78,

      You made very valid points and I can see and agree with some of your perspectives … however, I have reservations with ….. 5) Nobody actually cares or is interested in making peace

      Did you get the chance to read my comment ?

      Respectfully and kindly
      Bubbles xx

      1. Dear Bubbles,

        You are always very polite in your responses on here and respectful. And they are like little letters. Very sweet and welcoming! And full of little bubbles! You are a breath of fresh air!

        I have indeed read your comment, and I’m glad that you do have reservations with no. 5 as that’s why I put it there. I was hoping some would pick up on that.

        Kind regards

        Tigerchelle

    3. Dearest tigerchelle78,

      Awe …. thank you precious … that was so nice of you, I’m blushing 😊

      I believe we all care … that’s why we’re here

      Ps .. I must admit I do like the numbered thingy … it’s neat and coordinates some perspective in my messed up brain …. 😂
      Ta’s again and Mwah 💋 .. lovely person with a lovely name
      Luv
      Bubbles xx

  5. We can clear up a few things quickly by asking the opinion of the resident expert. I note that with all of the accusations and interpretations no one thought to ask him themselves.

    HG
    Am I a narcissist?
    Did you read my letter as a love letter to you or as someone who is infatuated with you?

      1. HG
        Thank you for your response.

        You are the most qualified here (I believe anywhere) to make the assessment of your kind, and as recipient of the letter, ultimately are the only one who can say what message you received.

        1. Narc Angel

          Personally I didn’t need to read HGs answer. I have known. You are an Empath and empathetic. You just don’t throw it around, you use the other strands of empathy to. You actually listen to what a person is saying to understand and not to hear what they say.

          Not everyone who speaks is looking to be understood yet only to be heard. You are able to discern which and apply how to respond to the person and not react. Sadly some here look for reactions instead of understanding never understanding the difference.

    1. I demand pictures of this “love affair” or it didn’t happen. (Email is fine😉) NarcAngel could be chained in HG’s black “basement of pain” for all it should matter to anyone but them. Adults having fondness for each other and interacting on a blog? 300 comments later and no pictures??? Teases…the lot of you….

    2. I did – to the infatuation part, but not HG personally (obviously, he’s anonymous) —with the masculine power he is performing, through his stories and voice. He’s the Dad of the “primordial” authoritarian father moral hierarchy. So lots of people can ‘worship’ that, from many different motivations. This was less fear-based and more trying to identify with his power, in a complimentary way but not competitive way.

      That’s just what i see here, i would need more info to know more.

    3. It goes with the catwoman mask – here is a dead mouse, but “i killed it”. You know?

      No one here really knows who HG is, what he looks like or what his life is like. We’re learning about narcissism from the mask, not from behind the mask – it is a real narcissistic mask that’s on display but it’s not being fully deconstructed.

      Behind the mask isn’t just malice, but reality, human flaws and limitations. Everything a narcissist doesn’t want you to see. To “love” HG would mean to know him beyond his performance, and HG knows that if you did, you wouldn’t love him. But even in real life, he’d never show you who he was and you’d still fall for the seduction.

    4. No worries “Narc Angel”. To me, I thought that “NA” on the above letter means the name of the sender is Not Available. And I thought HG on the letter is just a similar to HG Tudor’s name, by coincidence.

      So, now I know, NA means Narc Angel and HG means HG Tudor, on the above letter.

      The point is, some accusations were raised mainly because, some of the previous letters on the blog were written from victims to their narc lovers. So, the accuser might have made a conclusion without even reading the full letter.

      In my opinion, I think it’s such a creative idea to write a letter from you, as a reader, a fan, a learner, etc… to the blog administrator or to our teacher. It was an interesting letter to read!

      So, let’s look at the bright side, this post should be the post of the month!

  6. Wow. It’s a letter written with respect to a man who has obviously helped her immensely. What is with all the hate and negativity? And if per chance NA is one of HG’s “favorites” why should any of us care? He dosent belong to any of us. He is providing a valuable educational service to us. NA appreciates this. End of story. Retract those claws. Great letter NA.

  7. NA,
    So beautifully written. I do not see this as a sappy love letter nor a self serving narcissist monologue at all. Perhaps because I’ve “known” you here and witnessed your strength here And I have an ear for you honest voice. Your blending and holding both “good” and “evil” traits together, not holding one higher than the other is the meaning of being truly “nonjudgmental” and is evidence of deep empathy that was earned the hard way, by each deep scar that you experienced and healed. It allowed you to make space for both, understand the value of both in this world….which is the opposite of black-white thinking. It is the dialectical. And it’s beautiful. You make no excuses and give no passes in your nonjudgment view of HG. Or of empaths. It is just life and life has its own ways of teaching. And for what ever reason you, I, and the bloggers here all found each other and HG is something to be grateful.

    Side note….holy sh….I missed the drama yet again.Woozers. I say, brush it off and do you as always NA!

    Indy

  8. I just shake my head bc i see people suffering with terminal cancers wishing they could have one more month to live and see petty bullshit like this going on. In the grand scheme of things this is “nothing”.

  9. I cant believe the drama is still going on in this letter. Lets say for arguements sake HG did have favorites on here why would it bother someone so much? Really stop to analyze that. Why would that matter? If it is that upsetting my advice would be to take a break and live your life away from this blog. Its meant for educational purposes and support not to become obsessed with any inner dynamics that you may think are going on. My feeling is the accusations were brought up bc of possible jealousy and personality conflicts and a way to put it out there. Even if you dont like narcangel why is that so important? You dont even know her. This is online and not your life. It sounds like youre letting the blog get to you. If its affecting you to this degree really stop and look at why that is and realise its a healthier to leave than start a full blown online smear war.
    I do wonder if HG was a female if this would be an issue?

    1. Ha ha, valid point. As ever, you apply logic in your questions and that is where the initial accuser has fallen down.

    2. Chihuahuamum
      Very good point. I don’t understand why anyone thinks he would care about any of us. He’s a malignant greater narcissist, for goodness sakes! If he did show favoritism it would just be to stir up controversy and infighting BECAUSE HE IS A NARCISSIST PEOPLE! That’s what they do for amusement.

      Not saying he’s doing that though. I believe he really follows those rules he’s always mentioning, because the success of the blog is important to him. But in the back of my mind, i always remain wary… No offense HG. It’s like a built-in reflex.

      1. Hi windstorm…i agree and bottom line this is online. I think people lose sight of that and let online dealings consume them. Thats why personally when hg takes a break which he on and off does its a good reminder to all that he has a life of his own and so do we. If the blog is consumong you and has become your life then its become toxic. At the end of the day none of us know each other and probably will never meet so why let so called “favortism” or anything else consume your thoughts and day?
        Theres also this little tactic called triangulation and altho i dont think hg is doing that as hes pointed out hes showing the dynamics of posters other narcs do and theyd have a good ol feast having women in conflict posting back and forth this way. Just something to think about.

    3. I am with you Narc Affair/Chihuahuamum. And I think it is time for me to take a break from here. Best wishes to all.

      1. Iroll
        True, but then if HG were a woman, most of us wouldn’t be here. One of the reasons he is so effective is that most of us are women and our problem narcs were men and he explains the male narc so well since he is one.

        1. Aunt Clara is big on emotion, low on substance, and irrelevant. We’ve had far superior sparring partners than Aunt Clara. May Aunt Clara enjoy her trip hurtling toward oblivion.

          NA
          x

      2. /iroll
        I agree. If HG were female this would not be happening and yet my letter would have been submitted exactly as it is.

      3. Look – in private life a female malig-narc could be as manipulative and full of malice as her male counterpart and also be in a position to do a lot of damage, but that doesn’t change the fact that she still has to face the obstacles and choices women in society face, and male narcs face the male obstacles and paths.

        The female narcissist is no more or less of a threat, but she comes off less sympathetically because women are supposed to be nurturing and we also tend to underestimate feminine power: positive and negative.

        Society, however, associates masculinity with power and authority—and that’s why HG’s bulk followers are women, because more men are narcissists than women (according to psychology)—and why HG’s hostility against women also seems erotic. That aspect is why we also felt attraction to abusive men. So it bears observing rather than nullifying.

        Violence against women is subtly (and not so subtly) normalised. Authority is the right to violence, but in our ‘social contract’ it is justified by a protective role that only punishes when necessary, while coming from ‘a place of love’—even, God’s love. That’s authoritative father ideology.

        Clearly HG breaks that contract after he has constructed it to a degree that surpasses ‘other men’, because conquering women is how men achieve masculine power (without it having much to do with the woman herself). It takes *us* longer to disconnect our associations between authority, violence, justice and love (vulnerability)… because it is all connected subconsciously to our desire for male partners.

        We don’t need to blame anyone for having these associations, because we all ‘just do’.

        If anything, male narcissists who target women especially, recognise feminine power because they’re threatened by it. That could be mother-separation issues, i have noticed a lot of male narcs had strong maternal and weak paternal influences in their families—as well as the conflict between fuel-dependence and intimacy-rejection patterns. The narc dynamic is about status, convenience or boredom-escaping thrills, rather than relationships, but they have very fragile self-esteem.

        HG has also implied that his father’s feelings of love were denied to him by his callous and power-focused mother. He conquers women to achieve status, but also to defeat his mother. He learned, in any case, that while love is stronger than power, power has the ability to manipulate love, but only when one can withstand love. That ‘game’ is also a cover for self-avoidance: one also has to withstand selfish desire for power in order to be a more mature person.

        Love-empathy and power are intertwined for us all, but the narcissist sees this struggle more from the power-end than the love-end, because to them being vulnerable is a fate worse than death, an obstacle in the path of success and so on. Others appear to have no subjective value and their love can be separated from them.

        If we can see the narcissist from a loving perspective, then they are weak, not strong. If we believe that power is more important though, then we should do as the narcissist does: win at all costs. Most of us don’t see relationships as a game of winning though, even if we find some aspects of power erotic. There is more to a satisfying life than that!

        1. Well said, iroll. It would be enlightening to have a discussion about the masculine and the feminine in ‘the West’ in relation to narcissism. One thing that interests me is how these constructs differ across cultures. I have been confused before about whether a ‘disorder’ I suspected an individual had was due to mental illness or to different cultural practices/values. How would one recognize a narc coming from a radically different culture? Or is narcissism a specifically Western construct emerging out of capitalism and an ethos of individualism? Is narcissism spreading along with neoliberalism? Are more women becoming narcs? How does the brain rewiring happen? The brain is plastic, as we know, but still it is kind of mindboggling to imagine that ideas and practices could actually change brain anatomy, or is it because if one does not have to use the emotional part of the brain it withers and dies? I wonder if anyone is doing research on this…

  10. Look, those who have been waiting in the shadows for this opportunity to let me have it, and especially those who have cowardly changed their names so that we cant go back to see what actually transpired, are welcome to rail at me all they want, but I can tell you its a waste of time. I am bulletproof to your words due to prolonged and focused abuse by an actual narcissist. You have nothing on him and yet I endured it for lengthy periods (usually ordered to stand). My mother knew that if she intervened it would get worse (this was his provocation) so she would wring her hands and flutter about (for instance when we were standing against a wall and being asked a question by him only to be told we were liars and have our face slapped or head cuffed) and say things like: not in the head-you know she gets headaches. I never flinched.

    So if you think you are hurting me (and why would you btw? aren’t you purporting to be empaths and better than me?) then you are sorely mistaken.

    But rail on if it makes you feel better to get it out. Thats my empathic gift to you.