The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist
I am red of tooth and claw. I seduce, I hurt, I cast to one side and like some malevolent Pied Piper, I play my tunes once again and draw you into my fabricated world. I operate a zero sum policy. I want what you have. If I gain it, I win. I love to win. I must always win. The winner is the conqueror, the strongest and the survivor. This is what I have been taught. That is the reality of my existence. Yet when you have been selected as our targets and the seduction has commenced, we have certain desires that we want to be true. There are initial desires that exist so that we do not have to go down the road so often travelled. We may have ensnared you but might we remain protector rather than persecutor?
We have these wants at the outset of our coupling with you. These are genuine, well-intentioned and considerable in nature. We are imbued with hope, optimism and confidence, every time a new prospect has been embraced by us. We want these things so that the teeth are never bared and the claws remain lowered.
- You are the one
I chose you because you are so special. I truly believe that you are the one, this time, to change everything that has happened before. You are the one who will save us, you have been selected beyond everybody else because you are the one. That is why we have such an infatuation with you at the outset of our relationship.
- You will not betray us.
The world is a cruel and harsh place and we know better than most how that is the case. We are surrounded by those who would strike us down and grind us into the nothingness which we fear. Those assassins lurk and wait, seeking their moment and we must ensure we remain vigilant so we do not fall prey to them. Traitors and betrayers mill about us, but we are wise to them. We know their game and we have them in our eye. We do not want you to be one of them.
- You won’t be like the others
We thought they would be the ones that we desired but they disappointed and dismayed and they left us no choice other than to punish them for their lack of loyalty and their false promises. We had to do so, otherwise a failure to act would only compound the perception of our weakness and we must at all times project to the world our image of success and magnificence. We hope you will not be like them so we need not maintain such a façade and we hope you will prove your worth so that you will not be like the others and let us down.
- You will stop the emptiness
Each and every day we must seek to fill the void that lurks within. It is part of what we are and we accept that this is the task which must be addressed because so much rests on being able to perform this important act. It is the reason for our existence but perhaps you can stop that sense of emptiness for us. Perhaps you can take away that void and provide us with the substance that we crave.
- You quell the fury
It is always there, churning away, waiting to be unleashed and directed at some transgressor, critic or traitor. I have learned to control it, many of my kind cannot do so and will never do so, it is a mark of my excellence and my superiority. I make it work for me, to advance my plans and to smite my foes. I have no choice for it is always there, waiting to be ignited in an instant. I can control it but I cannot quell it. Can you be the one to do this for me?
- You won’t get too close
Perhaps if you avoid getting too close to us you will not then let us down like the others before you have. We hope that you can provide us with all the things that we desire without the need to invade our inner sanctum which must remain locked and shuttered. Do not attempt to enter there for the consequences are too dreadful, for us both. Do not get too close and perhaps we have a chance to achieve the other desires that we wish for.
- You really do love us
They all seem to do so at the beginning but then we find ourselves surrounded by charlatans, con-merchants and frauds. Why does this always happen? All we want is for you to love us, unconditionally and eternally. That is what we only ever wanted.
- You will not wound us
No matter how grand and imperial we are, no matter how magnificent our achievements and our deportment that signals to the world that we are truly brilliant, a leader in our field, a behemoth and a colossus, we can be wounded with such despicable ease by those who send criticism our way. It hurts, it burns and it wounds and we must defend ourselves against such unwarranted and disgusting behaviour. Perhaps you will be the one who will not wound us in this way.
- You will not leave
Don’t leave us. The others have always done so. We do not understand why that is after everything that we have done, all the things we endeavoured to do to please them and then this is what happens. The others leave us twice. They come with such promise and deliver for a time but then they do so no longer and through such an omission they leave us. We want that person to return but struggle to contain the fury which is unleashed from this horrible criticism of us and then you sever all possibility of a return when you walk away from us. Do you know who you are when you do that?
- You won’t make us leave you.
Please do not do the things which force us away from you. The others all headed down that path. It causes us to consider that we are cursed, forever burdened by the fate that we will have no choice other than to leave you in order to secure our survival. Perhaps you can be the one who prevents that feeling from happening?
Each and every time these ten desires loom large when we commence our engagement with you. Some show such promise and for such a time and then one by one these desires are crushed, shattered and obliterated. We know only one way to respond to the destruction of our desires because we are red of tooth and claw.
22 thoughts on “The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist”
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HG you hear the saying…who is the common denominator of the situation that repeats over and over…..YOU !!!! also, you point the finger and 3 point back to you…It is all about YOU !!! HG what are we suppose to do ??? You are teaching us, but WE ALL HAVE BEEN MENTALLY MIND FUCKED RAPED OVER AND OVER BY BEING WITH YOUR KIND. Each type of relationship is different, as you get FUEL from different means of the coffee girl to your daughter or wife or dog or the cell phone or or or…SERIOUSLY….It is too late, there is no avoiding getting hurt. HOW DO YOU SAVE US FROM GETTING MIND FUCKED RAPED???? HOW DO YOU KEEP US AWAY FROM YOUR KIND. How do you put you into beware, if you see theses signs, STAY AWAY FROM THIS PERSON. But if you are born into a family having a narc. There is no saving. uggg is SUCKS!!!!!
I am still amazed at the incapacity for them to understand or more admit that they are the cause of the fall. That their behaviours lead us to all those things above.
He says “ I am an asshole “ and then fault you for leaving etc
Once he said – if I would have been a good man – you and I would have never met. I would have stayed with my wife and would have been a good husband.
So the vicious circle of their behaviors and ultimate impact on them it’s like they don’t catch this – or just don’t want to catch it.
That is the logical part they are missing.
Omj
They have no insight or awareness to their behavior because their narcissism blinds them to it. Narcissism is a self-defense mechanism and they are wired to reject all culpability for their destructive behavior. From our POV, we are betrayed, blamed and abused but from their POV we are the transgressor and must be punished.
They act primarily on instinct with limited emotion and not much thought.
He is a greater – he has awareness – but maybe as you said the défense mechanism is even greater than his awareness.
Omj
You are correct and I have thought long and hard about it. Even though he has awareness, insight and intelligence, he is still driven by instinct, however, he is working on being prosocial. Also, he lacks emotional empathy and that allows him to pursue his addiction to fuel unhindered. It really is a conundrum.
And mine mixes cards by having cognitive empathy.
OMJ, Mine also ‘mixed cards’ by having cognitive empathy, but he would express it in a really bizarre way – it’s like he knew he was supposed to feel something and relate, but he would always relate it back to himself, so it was only self-cognitive empathy or cognitive self-empathy? Hard to explain but really weird! For instance, say I told him I had stubbed my toe. Ouch! Instead of saying, ‘I hope you are okay,’ he would say something like ‘I once stubbed my toe too.’ LOL.
Hilarious !! No mine has real cognitive fake empathy. He even says … I have empathy for you or I am happy for you or I feel for you etc all learned stuff.
OMJ, Yours has evolved way beyond mine then! I am laughing as I write this because I found it so compellingly weird that I think partly I stuck around just to hear the next thing to come out of his mouth. My fault for being too curious!!
Many guys are beige compare to them !!! Lol 🙂 they are entertaining in a way when you can look at it with distance … lol
So true, OMJ. Luckily a lot of what he said was over email so he couldn’t see my face :-). He took himself so seriously. The one time I teased him, I wounded him so badly that I got a massive silent treatment in return. I told him he was made of glass but a pebble could crack and destroy him. Ha. If he only knew…
I gave him you are high on emotions and low on substance and he could not understand the low on substance part 🙂
LOL. Good one.
OMJ
Or is that the empathic part they are missing? ^_*
shesaw
Correct. They are missing empathy and most of my narcissists are incapable of cognitive empathy. It is stunning, however, necessary from their POV so they can achieve the Prime Aims.
They are wired to be totally self-serving. No one else matters.
HG, this is sad.
The narcissist chooses and absorbs us so we no longer exist; we become an extension of the narcissist. That is why you used the object pronoun “us” and, of course, everything that is done to us, whether by omission or commission, is the fault of the empath. Then you ruthlessly punish the empath for crushing our desires.
HG, I know that every relationship with the narcissist is rocky and it starts to look like a roller coaster ride after some time. Typically after moths of golden period. But is it possible that if the roller coaster starts very early – after a few weeks of the honeymoon and you and the narc are in the silent cold war for the whole next month, that when you finally bury the hatchet, the golden period will start again and it will last longer then the first one? Or is it better to assume that if the problems occured so early and these are not “one day fights” but a few weeks separations it will get worse and worse?
One would need to know whether you are referring to a romantic, social, familial or work ensnarement. Further, the school of narcissist and your position in the fuel matrix is also of relevance. Without such details my answer would not be provided with the required precision.
Sal, my roller coaster started early (romantic, mid-ranger). I dumped him after a month having only seen him three times because I suspected he was a control freak. But I didn’t trust my gut and after another month’s silence I deliberately ‘made him return’ (the only time – the other times were inadvertent – I left myself open to hoovers). A (brief) golden period then started again but it was even shorter than the first short one. It occurred while I was away for months, which I guess he resented, because just before I was meant to return he did the shittiest thing he’s ever done to me (punishment for my absence?). But that still was not the end of it. It went on (and off) for another year and a half while I simmered with resentment and anxiety, feeling like I was caged. No surprise that it ended with my final escape and then explosion. So yes, it gets worse and worse…but I would say that any relationship that starts off rocky will probably stay that way.
Thank you SMH. The narcissist I’m writing about is also a Mid Ranger and I was with him for about 3 months before he gave me a one month silent treatment “just like that”. It looked like a manipulation so for me it was the end, I knew there is something wrong with him and he won’t give me the relationship I crave. Someone who treats me without any respect is not going to be a loving partner.
And now he does the same thing with his new girlfriends. The one difference – the first golden periods are even shorter then mine – it’s only a few weeks and then he starts the manipulation, silent treatments, control games. It shows me that the problem was him not me and I did right when cut him off.
Your case also shows it will get worse and worse. Maybe his new girlfriends will let him hoover them back but it won’t change this toxic relationship itself, it won’t give them happiness – that’s how I understand the wole situation. I am happy with my decision but still looking for signs he was the one who is unable to have a normal relationship – it’s because at the end he was gaslightning and projecting all the blame for his bad behaviour on me.
It was him, Sal. Trust yourself and be proud of yourself for having the strength to cut him off. Good for you!
I did not really believe the pattern until post-escape – I was always looking for reasons, including in my own behavior. But after a huge blow up and six months NC, we saw each other and he asked me to rekindle the ‘Formal Relationship.’ I said I would think about it and spent the next two weeks studying his behavior. For the first 10 days he emailed incessantly. But as soon as I initiated contact he began to withdraw because he thought he had me hooked again. I hadn’t done a thing other than be friendly – I wasn’t sleeping with him, I wasn’t making demands, I was totally calm.
When he began to withdraw, I had my answer and I declined to reenter the FR. I used as an excuse that I was tired of being an IPSS, but he pity hoovered me for weeks and then I inadvertently wounded him, which resulted in a silent treatment, and then I went ballistic. I told him it was his behavior and pointed out exactly what he had done after he tried to get me back (umpteenth time but the only time I successfully resisted), because there it was – all on email. I also told him how nuts he was, that he was a psycopath and could have been a serial killer in another life, and that contrary to what I had thought happened the year before (and what he had made me believe – that my anxiety had caused him to withdraw when in reality it was his constant approach/avoidance that caused my anxiety), I had done absolutely nothing wrong. It did not matter what I did – his behavior was always the same and always controlling. He is unable to have a reciprocal, affectionate relationship. Period.
I then made him delete all two years of our email correspondence as I watched because that was my last tie to him. That was also the last time I saw him – two months ago – and he has now moved. Of course distance never stopped him before, so I am not 100% certain he is gone, but I think so…now he is torturing some other poor woman (or women). And so is yours!
It is not that yours won’t give you the relationship you crave. It is that he is incapable of having any kind of relationship at all because he cannot ‘relate’ as in establish a connection/bond. You saw that, you realized it wasn’t normal, you did not take the shit he dished out, you see him doing it to other people, and you should be confident in your decision to GOSO (in HG lingo).