A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 65

Dear Narcissist,

I deserve one last communication before I permanently disengage.

I have reached the point where I can look back into my experience with you from the perspective of an outsider and see exactly what I was up against. At first I blamed myself for every thing that happened, because if I did not open the door, you could not have come in and wreaked havoc on my life. 

You see, I assumed that my relationship with my ex was the worst kind of abuse there was. So I guess God had some more lessons for me to learn before he sent me my real husband and he chose to use you. I needed to heal my childhood wounds and see the worst type of abuse that existed for two reasons. Firstly, I needed to forgive my ex for what he did, because despite the horror I suffered with him, he was instinctive and he did not do it to hurt me.  I guess he was a lesser narcissist and he did it to defend himself. 

You were a different story. You set out from day one to hurt me. You saw my weakness and vulnerability and sought to take advantage. I did not realize that you were lying from the get-go. I felt it from the first time I saw you, but for some reason did not trust my intuition. I wondered about all your stories about your money and fame, since for some strange reason I had never heard of you before I met you. Your plans to buy large houses and even a school, were the personification of largesse.  You even had me draft a plan for a restaurant we would open together was your way of trapping me in a financial mess. My co dependency was still high. I thought the best of you because that is just what I do. 

I do not hold it against myself for not knowing that there were narcissists who did far more than just over-love themselves and exhibit arrogance. I assure you that if you did not force yourself into my space, you would have never had the type of power it took to manipulate me. See, if it were a fair fight, you would not have beaten me at it. I never loved you, I loved who I thought you were and I do not hold that against myself. One cannot blame herself for believing that someone meant well. Those emails and texts message in the immediate aftermath were as a result of the love/sex seduction drug still in my system. So I forgive myself for that. It was nothing but withdrawal symptoms from your venom.

I found myself at first being jealous of your ex/crazy ex/girlfriend/business partner until I understood how you devalued her even more than you tried to do me. Even when you were driving her car and screwing her, spending her money and debasing her with threesomes, you were tearing her down; so I am not perturbed by what you may say about me. I did not give you anything I did not want to give. Fact is that as hard as you tried, I came out if this without losing one cent. The car you sold me is a trophy which reminds me that I got out and learned valuable lessons in the process. Each time I look at it I remember how strong I was in avoiding the financial ruin you obviously wanted to subject me to. My dignity is still intact, my self esteem is being restored, and I will be stronger after this than I was before. So what did I lose? You won the battle you staged, but I won the real war. I will grow from strength to strength while you will get lower and lower. So what did it profit you to even enter my life? Was the fuel that potent for you?

According to you, your other exes may be gawking at you and, a thousand women may want to sleep with you. I am not one of them, and I know they would want nothing to do with the real you. As a matter of fact after the initial seduction, sleeping with you was not all that. I found you boring most of the time. It was too much work wondering who you had been with or if I would get another STD. I kept praying “Lord how do I get this man to leave me alone”. I played your game against you. You thought I adored you and loved having you here. Most times it was just the sick addiction. Your presence was toxic. I lost respect for you a long time ago when I sensed how false you were. It was too much; unbelievable at first, but disgusting in the aftermath. 

The flip-flopping of emotions is normal after an escape/discard, so I do not feel any shame for the see-saw of emotions I experienced. The anguish is normal too, so I cannot be mad at myself for reacting in a normal way. I am aware that that is not something you can understand. 

I do not miss you. At first I missed the activities, until I remembered how fake everything really was and how the euphoric high would eventually land me back into the darkness wondering why you would not answer the phone. No man is worth all that. That fake-ness is not attractive to me anymore. I pity the ignorant empaths who have no clue what is waiting for them at the end of the love/sex seduction phase, when the creature comes lashing out in all his fury. I pity those who are not enlightened enough to escape or to decipher the coded language and ambiguity because they have been love-bombed out of their common sense. I pray their eyes will be opened. I pity your co-dependent partner who needs you as much as you need her. No one needs to be that desperate. She is my motivation to completely heal my co- dependency, so that I can avoid creatures like you. I can only imagine her state of mind and I deeply sympathize with her. Talk about a fool’s paradise. 

So, you can say what you want about me, call me crazy, try to smear my name all you want. God knows the truth and he will judge. The truth is that you projected your weakness and fears onto the weakest and most vulnerable among us. How strong does that make you when you prey on those who are so weak that they cannot even defend themselves? You are like a buzzard, a vampire of sorts, feasting on the dead and half dead hearts of abused women. Not a picture of strength if you ask me. But I know harsh words provide fuel. Your tirade about me calling you ‘criminal” and “crooked” being the reason for the break up, was utter bull-shit. Unless that is what constitutes a narcissistic injury. Oh well!

I am pretty sure you will never try to hoover me. That spate of benign hoovers and triangulation was something to behold. But that is ok. It served the purpose. I have never heard so many lies in one sitting in my life. You thought you were fooling me, but I was on to you from the night you showed up at 11:45 p.m. to fix my car, after giving me a spate of future faking promises. I know you must hate me, and that was the intention. Let that knowledge keep you far way from me, because if you ever come near me or mine, you will be repelled like a vampire at sunrise. This is no gas station. No fuel here. Find another fuel pump.

There is no point in my lamenting the hurt you caused and the pain which resulted from your triangulation and manipulation after my escape. That is to be expected from cowards. I know you will paint it to your friends that you dumped me. You will tell them my mind was not right. That is what you say about everyone, even your mother. Their opinions do not matter to me, but that’s fine if that is what you need to say to keep your construct in place. What matters to me is that you are gone. I can admit my weakness and learn from it, which is something you will never be able to do. 

I can hold my head up high and drive or walk anywhere in this area without shame or fear. I have seen you dodging and hiding, being afraid to go into stores and always thinking someone is out to get you. That is Karma enough for me. I can be single for as long as I choose without needing anyone. I can live comfortably and well without any partner to prop up a weak ego. You cannot do the same. I can move on without the baggage of shame and destruction again and again. I can give and receive true love and heal and move on, because I have the strength to look within.

You can’t say the same. I do not have to run and hide and build a wall of lies to shield me, despite the fact that I am “only a woman”. Who is the stronger one now? I am finally off your string of exes which you rotate to keep your fragile false self in place.

Who is the winner now?

 I ride off into the sunset, free in mind, soul and spirit. While you are stuck in your cage, hiding behind the construct; scared of the beast which rages inside you.