The Narcissist and U-Turns
Contradictions. About turns. Doing one thing and meaning another. Those are staple ingredients in becoming entangled with our type. Of course the Lesser and the Mid-Range of our kind do not see the contradictions. To them, their behaviour makes absolute sense even though when it is viewed from your perspective there is a clear contradiction in what has been said or done. This naturally frustrates, upsets and infuriates you as you attempt to make us see that you are correct and we are not. Or to make us see that we have behaved in a contradictory or hypocritical fashion. You will not succeed. The Lesser or the Mid-Range does not do this deliberately, it is just how they are. The Lesser reacts. The Mid-Range realises that denying and deflecting what you are trying to get him to see causes more upset and frustration and that makes him feel good. He does not know why this is, he does not know the concept of fuel, but he knows the more you react the better he feels. He also knows that he does not like to be held to account or to be seen to be the one who is to blame, for anything, thus he will not accept any suggestion of contradictory behaviour because it is inherent with such an accusation that there is blame attached. The Greater knows that to twist, to turn, to shift and to alter allows the emotional responses to flow and to become heightened. He knows that what he does is viewed as contradictory but he will not accept it. He must portray control and superiority at all times otherwise he will find himself damned. He revels in switching from one position to the other, within moments and then seeing if you dare to point out this shift in stance. Should you do so, he will deny and deflect in order to frustrate you, to upset you and to alarm you.
The use of volte faces is part of the process of gas lighting also. An insidious and effective method of controlling you, eroding your sense of perspective and forcing you ever backwards until ultimately you know nothing other than our warped truth, yours having been dispelled some time ago. Making you a stranger to your own reason is evidence both of our power and our abusive behaviour. Thus the use of contradictory behaviour, the volte face, is prevalent when we commence the devaluation. Here are five you may know well.
- The Joy Has Gone
We once showed such enthusiasm for Indian cuisine and would often try to find the latest and most exciting restaurant for us to both go to. It might have been the zealous delight we exhibited at the prospect of going hill-walking with you, or discussing the latest production at the local theatre. You loved how we connected over these shared interests. Of course it was all mirroring. We love what you love. Now there is no need to do it anymore. We care little for Indian cuisine but since you loved it so much, we decided to do so as well. Hill walking is tedious. The only thing we liked was being on top of the world. As for the theatre, if we have to sit through another obscure play we will explode. Still it was worth making you think we loved all those things as it made you easier to bind to us. Keep listing everything you think we have in common and I will pick that list down to nothing.
- The Compliments End
I embedded you as the supply of my positive fuel and you functioned well so you earned those further compliments. Now there is no need to provide them. Oh I am aware that you look even better than you did when we first met, that you are trying hard to tease the compliments for me in order to try to stave off that nagging fear that you are losing me, but it is to no avail. I know you are trying your best to please me, accommodate what I want but all I now look at is someone who irritates me. You see, if I had loved you like someone healthy, I would not feel like this now, but because I never did, there is nothing to prevent the feeling of contempt and annoyance which washes over me each time I see you. But where are the compliments? Somebody else has them now.
- A Sudden Realisation
Do you know something, I love my ex. I do. You have made me realise this. I thought I did not know what love was until I met you (I vaguely remember saying something like this to you some time ago) but come to think of it, I knew all along and it is my ex that I love. Not you. Thanks for the distraction whilst I worked things out. What? I said she was abusive and a psycho? No I did not. There you are, you have just proved to me why I cannot love someone like you. Good bye.
- But You Thought I Hated That
Why have I gone to that classical concert when I said to you that I could not stand classical music. I don’t recall saying that. Stop trying to tell me what I like and do not like. You are so controlling. I have always enjoyed reading books, where on earth did you get the idea from that I did not. Yes, I love strawberries, they are delicious and I love eating them, I never told you I was allergic to them. Stop making things up. You need some help. You keep twisting things around and I don’t like. it There you are. That is something I hate. What you do.
- The Sudden Complaints
Must we really go to your parents this weekend? So what if I have never complained about it before? That doesn’t matter. I am doing so now because I want to isolate you from them. I suspect they do not like me and I am not going to let them put ideas in your head, so they have gone on the black list and I will now issue complaints about seeing them in order to drive a wedge between you and them. The more isolated you become the better. I will start to complain regularly in order to stop you doing things and in order to upset you. That is the way I operate now. Don’t you dare complain about it.
11 thoughts on “The Narcissist and U-Turns”
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I had a conversation with a young Eastern European man who was diagnosed with npd the other day, i actually joked about him being a narcissist when he attempted to flirt with me, and he told me. He said he was used to talking about himself because he had been in therapy for years. He was tall, handsome and charming, but in an obviously self-conscious and stilted way. In his ‘seduction’ attempt of me, i was called a “lolita, mother fucking theresa, a femme fatale, a merciless, heartless woman, a little girl who needs to learn her lesson”. I disengaged at some point, it was like having the misogyny book of female stereotypes thrown at me. He also said he has no male friends only female ‘fans’ who he talked to when he felt like it, and that he had grown up in a family of strong women with a weak and absent father. If one of his women-fans fell in love with him, he’d cut them off —he told me that it was “a waste” to have such feelings for him. He seemed very cold and prickly at this point, with an air of jaded boredom and paranoid caution —clearly, i knew too much!
He did give me some useful confirmations about ex narcy— sending me a train ticket without communication, “like a child” —and people who have been shutting down their feelings for so long are just “outer-husks with no real person inside”. I couldn’t believe he said this so clearly. He was wary of me because i could pity a narcissist (“the worst!”) despite all the abusive behaviour. I never really committed myself to narcy “which is cheating and being a fraud!”, even though he himself said that it was cruel for me to have been with narcy if i pitied him, because the only way for narcissists to feel powerful is by making others afraid of them!
Like 12 year old bullies. But seriously, the proper relationship with a narc should have had either me out in the cold begging and this sparking my own survival skills where i could have become a stronger person through the trials of fire! Burning away my naivety. Or the narc retreating in silent defeat. This is basically, what he said.
—So, if i knew how sad and weak all this was, it was my moral duty to leave the narcissist, because then i was the stronger one! WOW. Apparently the narcissist also leaves the weaker person when they show the emotional signs, out of a sense of duty to some survival of the strongest code (*my interpretation of this man’s explanation). As if this whole engagement was a mere testing of strengths to begin with! ***Macho love!***
He also had an explanation for my preserved empathy despite abuse, because “women have to survive emotionally in order to care for children”. But again, it was so deeply concerned with sexist stereotypes. Yes, feminine hormones probably do protect emotions and empathy, but anyone can shut-down, it also takes courage and choices, like not seeing the abuser as all-powerful and rejecting such a rigid view of life, which i did as a child, intuitively.
My ex-narcy also had a weak father and strong mother. He was also said that if i had his baby then i wouldn’t need to love him—real men don’t need love, i could love his child instead which would give me “peace”. Dear narcissist guys, women do not ‘think with their wombs’ in such a literal way. This is pure idiocy. There’s also the evolution of intelligence (and good taste) to be considered.
They’ve got such a deeply fragile sense of masculinity, i can’t imagine how terrifying women are to them, subconsciously. They worship the mother-figure, and they become pimps and wife beaters and treat relationships like a battle to prove their masculine superiority aka independence, because of these mother-separation issues. But they don’t have the courage to be real people, let alone deal with gender identity issues. So toxic masculinity is the symptom of an infantile condition. Because, guess what—shutting your feelings down and having no relationship with your real self, doesn’t actually make you stronger, it just makes you more brittle and confused.
But yes, if you know you have to go, to protect yourself because it’s all bullshit, but if you are inclined to pity – this is the only way to help them as well. Otherwise they can’t learn that they’ve possibly make a weak choice.
The narcissist who introduced me to the twisted world of narcissism would regularly tell me (when I pointed out his contradictions & flip-flopping for a little understandability and accountability): “Why do words always have to mean something to you? Words mean nothing to me.”
Rachel, that is exactly what I heard as well. Or how about: “Why do you put so much value into my words, words are just words, they can mean whatever you want them to mean?”… yes in your twisted world they can.
Rachel,
Mine used to tell me “you focus too much on what I say versus what I do”…
Well duh! Obviously because those things are entirely different! The nerve for me to point it out!
Same here!!! He’d tell me to just focus on his actions and not his words… both sucked!
Same here! His actions rarely match his words.
Rachel
I’ve heard that also from narcs! My exhusband used to get frustrated with me wanting words. He always says that words can’t be trusted. Only look at actions. Words are meaningless.
Windstorm
That strikes me as so funny but true about your husband saying words cant be trusted. Probably because he is paid to “massage” them lol.
NarcAngel,
Ha, ha! Yeah, nobody knows better than a lawyer that words can’t be trusted! Words to a lawyer are like clay to a sculptor.
Windstorm, funny that is exactly what I tell people. Words must match with actions, otherwise I do not trust them.
A U-turn or a left turn. Ha ha.
Narcissists are such reckless drivers. How about a narcissist go U- turn, then straight, after that the “sudden realization” occur; Aha, I just realized how awesome am and Boooom! Farwell Mr. narcissist.