Obsessed
I want you to be happy. I am so in love with you. You are everything that I have ever wanted, you are like a dream come true, my soul mate, my other half, you complete me. You have no idea just what you do to me. I just want to love you like nobody else ever has. Yes, I am obsessed with you. I want to merge with you and become one. I am not just obsessed with you but with everything about you and most of all your happiness. I just want to ensure that someone as brilliant as you, someone as wonderful as you, someone as marvellous as you is made to feel special. You deserve that. I know. I know something, or rather somebody has hurt you before. I know you do not want to talk about it. That is absolutely fine. You do not have to talk about it with me. You see, I can tell. I have a sixth sense if you will for knowing about these things. It is just the way I am and let me tell you that you should feel no shame for that. You should not be upset that you have been hurt because I am going to put an end to the hurt. I am always going to look after you, help you, hold you and comfort you. No matter what the world throws at us, throws at you, I will be by your side. I want to keep all the malice and bad things in this world away from someone as special and as perfect as you. I regard that as my calling. I was sent to look after you. It is true. It was not just chance that brought you and me together, not at all. I was sent to make you happy. It has been decided that what happened in the past will stay in the past and instead I have come to bring you happiness, great glorious golden happiness. I will not rest in my desire to see you happy at all times. When you are happy, I am happy. My happiness is conditional on yours, that is just the way I am. No matter what happens, I will not give up on you. I will ensure that everything is great again. I give you my word. I am totally committed to achieving your happiness. I will do anything in the world to see you smile, to see your eyes light up and to know that you feel wonderful. You are an amazing person and you, more than anyone else in the world, deserves happiness. I know how to provide it you and if that means that you think that I am obsessed with achieving it then so be it, but it is a noble aim. It is a good and laudable endeavour to ensure your happiness. I will aim each and every day, without hesitation, without reluctance and without restraint to deliver this for you. I want to do this for you, I want to do this for us. You are the most important person in the world to me. You have made me feel so special being with me and I always want that feeling to continue, now and forever. I want to give that to you in return for all the scintillating things you give to me. I am truly blessed to have coupled with you and no matter how difficult things might become, no matter how hard others may make it I will not shirk from achieving your complete and utter happiness. I was born to do this. I am utterly beholden to you and your happiness. This is my obsession. You are my obsession. I am obsessed with you.
A period of time passes.
You want me to be happy. You are so in love with me. I am everything that you have ever wanted, I am like a dream come true, your soul mate, your other half, I complete you. I have every idea just what I do to you. You just want to love me like nobody else ever has. Yes, you are obsessed with me. You want to merge with me and become one. You are not just obsessed with me but with everything about me and most of all my happiness. You just want to ensure that someone as brilliant as me, someone as wonderful as me, someone as marvellous as me, is made to feel special. I deserve that. You know. You know something, or rather somebody has hurt me before. You know I do not want to talk about it. That is absolutely fine. I will not have to talk about it with you. You can tell. You have a sixth sense if you will for knowing about these things. It is just the way you are and you tell me that I should feel no shame for that. I should not be upset that I have been hurt because you are going to put an end to the hurt. You will always look after me, help me, hold me and comfort me. No matter what the world throws at us, throws at me, you will be by my side. You want to keep all the malice and bad things in this world away from someone as special and as perfect as me. You regard that as your calling. You were sent to look after me. It is true. It was not just chance that brought you and me together, not at all. You were sent to make me happy. It has been decided that what happened in the past will stay in the past and instead you have come to bring me happiness, great glorious golden happiness. You will not rest in your desire to see me happy at all times. When I am happy, you are happy. Your happiness is conditional on mine, that is just the way you are. No matter what happens, you will not give up on me. You will ensure that everything is great again. You give me your word. You are totally committed to achieving my happiness. You will do anything in the world to see me smile, to see my eyes light up and to know that I feel wonderful. I am an amazing person and I, more than anyone else in the world, deserves happiness. You know how to provide it me and if that means that I think that you are obsessed with achieving it then so be it, but it is a noble aim. It is a good and laudable endeavour to ensure my happiness. You will aim each and every day, without hesitation, without reluctance and without restraint to deliver this for me. You want to do this for me, you want to do this for us. I am the most important person in the world to you. I have made you feel so special being with you and you always want that feeling to continue, now and forever. You want to give that to me in return for all the scintillating things I give to me. You are truly blessed to have coupled with me and no matter how difficult things might become, no matter how hard others may make it you will not shirk from achieving my complete and utter happiness. You were born to do this. You are utterly beholden to me and my happiness. This is your obsession. I am your obsession. You are obsessed with me.
Think I am the only one who engages in mirroring?
Think again.
42 thoughts on “Obsessed”
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Yes this is exactly how it went down. He was obsessed with me. Having to speak to me every second of the day until slowly it became me needing to speak to him
I sit here today thinking how hard this all is especially for those new to the concept of Narcissism. I am not new to it and it’s still really difficult for me now that I’m several weeks no contact again. Today I’m struggling even knowing all I know, it’s still a struggle and patiently or not so patiently I wait for indifference to come
Lori, indifference will not come unless and until you stop feeding your addiction. Did you read HG’s book “No Contact?” If not, please read it. You will see what constitutes “contact,” which, if you continue doing these things, will continue feeding your addiction. Thinking and talking about your narc here on the blog is still “contact” according to HG. Indifference will not come on its own. It will come as a result of you doing the work necessary to attain it. Wishing you peace and healing.
We’re not supposed to talk about the narcissist at all on this blog, even by way of example, clarification/input, or making another empath feel understood?
I’m not being sarcastic… I’m really asking. I’m not one who’s remotely tempted to be back with my narcissist/stalker, but still — if this is a rule, I’ve only broken this about a hundred times — and I’m wondering if I’m helping or tripping some people up.
Wow, bummed.
No, talking about the narcissist here is acceptable (so long as it is not circular and unproductive) because you have to mention us occasionally as part of gaining understanding.
Okie doke, bloke. 🙂 Thank you for the clarification!
Happened that way with mine too, Lori. Very early on he saw a time slot in which I was available because he pestered me about my schedule. He then came over without telling me. I dumped him soon after but struggled and second guessed myself. I think he was wounded that I had dumped him, so the next few months he really tested me.
It is difficult because you miss him. He is not only his narcissism and it is normal to miss someone when you’ve had so much contact that is suddenly taken away. Just don’t give into it! Indifference will come.
Thanks SMH. Yes, you would miss anyone you had that much contact with. I literally used to be in contact with him all day everyday for more than 2 years. It’s kinda like someone died. They are just suddenly gone
I am fully aware of what he is but you still miss the person you thought they were. I do know indifference comes in time. So far I’m several weeks nc. I see nor hear anything of him or from him. I do not stalk him in anyway or even ask about or discuss him with others. It just takes time but it sucks
Honestly blocking me was the nicest think he ever did for me. Thank God I’m not being subjected to the daily bullshit anymore and in a way I’m grateful for that
So far so good on NC. Every time I have the urge I just ask myself what would I accomplish ? The answer is nothing. He is a Narcissist
Lori, It’s an addiction – I don’t know the chemistry behind this sort of addiction but it does involve dopamine and the like, and it is very powerful. It will take awhile. I struggled so many times through NC – I don’t wish to have those days back for anything. But I can also tell you that you can do it and you will be all right. You are also doing it in the best way possible – no creeping, no contact at all.
I actually thinks it’s easier when someone dies. At least there is closure, even if it is someone close to you. But grief is grief and you have to go through the process regardless because you are not a narc!
I totally agree. It is in fact easier when someone dies.
As far as brain chemistry, it has something to do with dopamine and the reward section of your brain.
I do get what IL means though. If you are here daily 2 or 3 years later still trying to figure out how to stay engaged then this is likely feeding the addiction but I don’t think that’s the case with most here. With Narc 1 I was on support pages for may a year or so and then I didn’t need it daily anymore. It’s a weaning process I suppose but it’s nice to be around people that understand what you are feeling
Lori, I didn’t know for sure that mine was a narc until I found this site only a few months ago, post-escape. I did spend some time on another blog but that one did not help me to stay away because it did not help me to figure him out and I am like a dog with a bone. I don’t quit until I have the answer (I did warn my narc about this part of my personality – it’s called obsessive and it is how I uncovered all of his ‘secrets’ and how I got his IPPS’s email, etc)
Only HG has all of the details and can explain the ‘weird’ behaviors in a logical way. Only HG actually helped me to maintain my focus on my escape, what I had to do to complete it and why I had to do it that way. I did not follow all of his instructions because there were details that required me to have contact with the narc before I could go (mostly) NC. I made that contact happen and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but I know I did the right thing because my head is mostly clear now and it’s only been two months since I saw him.
Sometimes I feel that this blog keeps me in narc-world when I do not need to be there anymore, but my triggers are more things in my day-to-day life. I really enjoy the discussions here because the blog attracts intelligent people. The conversations are at a high enough level and range widely enough that the same superficial things are not being repeated over and over, and that is a testament to HG’s capabilities and the way HG runs the blog as well as to the people who come here.
It is also comforting to be among others who have had the same experiences, as you say. They are the same because the narcs are the same and we know they are the same because HG’s posts speak to the details. On other blogs it’s more like ‘he’s a sociopath’ without the specifics of what makes someone sociopathic in their day to day lives or why they do what they do. There are stories, support, healing and nice people but for those of us who consider ourselves more intellectual, I don’t think there is anything like this blog both for HG’s insights and for the people who come here.
At this point for me it is more of an outlet for my ideas, which I can bounce off of other people who intuitively grasp them. I even have a whole new vocabulary, which I can only use here because no one else understands it! 🙂
Insatiable Leaner
I know all of this stuff. Ive read I’ve been thru therapy all of it. Indifference comes in time. You cannot manufacture it or rush it. If you force it, if will not last been there done it. It takes a little effort but mostly time.
I can see narc 1 all day long and feel nothing. I could speak with him and be fine and believe me there was so much trauma in that relationship after having lived with him but time away from him eventually took care of it.
I’m curious do you consider yourself no contact ?
Hi Lori, if I answer your question honestly, I am not NC because I have not implemented the proper NC like blocking and deleting his number. It’s almost like I don’t really believe he will Hoover anyway so I don’t feel the need to block. I think I am just waiting to attain indifference and then it won’t matter.
Most return number returned 13 years later
So, Lori, do you think most return even to secondary intimate partners not just primary? How about if the last interaction was friendly? Is this a factor?
IL
I think it’s very possible for Narcs that are in anchor relationships because the are not continually replacing their primary. They recycle their secondary but at the end of the day if you enter their sphere and especially if you appear to be doing well they are coming back only this time the golden period is much shorter There’s no guarantee but the probability is high. These are people who get bored very easily
Thank you, Lori. I appreciate your insight very much. This narc was in a very long-term relationship when we met. He then discarded his primary and got a new one. I suspect this will be another long-term. When he found a new primary is when I think he started the distancing behavior. Still friendly but distancing. The most confusing thing is he always said that I made him feel fantastic. If that’s so, why shelving for an indeterminate period of time?
HG do you have a lot of Mirrors in your home?? Mine did. Even in the bedroom. I think he like to watch himself, sexing it up with his women??………………………………………………………………………………… IS it normal for Narcs to hold on to your text-emails-photos AND put them in a file like Cloud OF all of their victims??? DO YOU or THEY enjoy looking at all the victims of the giving the give them. LIKE reading old love letters….Another source of FUEL………………………………………………………Also, HOW do Narcissist find the wounds of their victims? We all have wounds, scars that are the battles of our lives. I feel when a Narc. finds the wound. He tries to get us to trust them. To SOOTH the wound. COMFORT it. Then when the manipulation punishment time comes to find fuck rape us. They dig that wound out of us. Throw it on the floor beat the shit out of it. Then they stick it back in us. Put a band-aid on it. Then SOOTH it again, like nothing happened. AS like a man who beats his wife, then pleads sorry crying at her feet. Or they act like nothing happened. AND we just felt emotionally Raped and Mind Fucked…Even though at the times we have no WORDS of what we just went through. WE are Emotionally fried….Does that kind of sound right of how to really manipulate our minds??? Thank you HG
One day Tudor, perhaps just maybe you’ll find or come to know a different type of love. I wish this for you. Yes you are so so good with words, and you know exactly what to say, and how to say it, but feeling it (love) is a whole different thing.
I’m well aware of that but thank you for your kind sentiment.
That was super sweet, Michelle. 🙂 I’m going to let this be the last comment I see today.
~~happily skipping away~~
Caroline feelin’-fine ….. I f**king love you! ( don’t worry I’m not love bombing you 😂 you just proper crack me up….I got a stitch in my side and a smile on my face – love it)
Quasi~I don’t know, but getting loved bombed by a British girl might be rather interesting! LOL 😉
(not *sure* you’re a Brit, but going by your use of “proper”… that or “bloody hell” or “organise” helps me know the adorable Brits) 🙂
Tis’ true … I am a Brit … if your ok with the love bombing I will commence !! 😉 jolly good show ! Still joking btw, I’m just showing appreciation for you and your character, your posts make me smile and often “proper “ laugh. X
You’re so kind and giving, Quasi~~thank you, my British friend~~and your inner light beams brightly as well, Missy!:-)
Nothing better than when Brits say “Jolly good.” Americans can’t pull that off… which reminds me of a show I saw a ways back, where a Brit was trying to describe to an American what an “American accent” sounded like to her… it was so funny when the Brit tried to imitate that — it sounded flat, nasal-like and strange, because we don’t really have a distinct accent… well, we do, in various regions, but she was trying to imitate a Midwesterner. Not easy to do.
Oh, bloody hell, me thinks I’m running late for my work-lunch meeting… cheers for now! 🙂
(That was gawd awful~ I come off like a British leprechaun).
Haha …. Don’t put yourself down you tried your best lol… I have been awful any time I have tried to do an American accent..
“Me thinks “ haha, I do say that sometimes. I don’t say bloody hell really.. I try not to swear too much really, although when I do it is normally at work when I’m trying to type up my notes, and the system clocks out! todays example was as follows “ fuckety fuck and thrice fuck “ it appeared to amuse the SHO next to me. .. I don’t actually say jolly good in normal conversation, it’s a stereotype for the British really but still amusing to throw out there every once in a while. It’s certainly not used by the general population. We too have very different accents across the uk. Ranging from totally able to understand to “ say what now “ … thank you Caroline, I very much enjoy banter with you . Qx
Touché, HG!
Questions: What if the target sees through the Narc’s love bombing and rejects the Narc? What if she feels smothered and tells the Narc over and over to back off and he is being creepy? Will the Narc back off or quit?
That is very rare, but the response depends on the school of narcissist. The Lesser is likely to be wounded and the fury ignites and thus the concerns of the target will be well-founded, the narcissist will lash out and break off the seduction. The Mid-Range may absorb a slight setback and press with the seduction but if the resistance maintains they will break off in a passive aggressive manner. The Greater will apply more charm etc to secure the seduction and is less likely to back off.
In my situation I kept telling him he was smothering me and to back off. He re-grouped and tried other tactics beginning with bringing other girls with him to the class I taught to doing kind things for the needy people in my life until he gained my trust. He even donated large sums of money to my charity. I kept telling him I don’t want to be with him and he said that is fine… He is doing all this to help me heal from any hurts of my past and make sure I am living life to the fullest.
Exactly, I couldn’t handle that. I even told my now husband to not say he loved me when we were courting, I only wanted him to say it if he really meant it. I told him not to propose to me either on one knee. I didnt want any of that. That is putting me I felt on a pedestal, and I don’t want that. I just wanted to marry my best friend. We both came to the decision naturally and it just felt right. If someone continually tells you all this stuff, you know they are a narc or someone who is infatuated,, and someone like that will only be disappointed when reality hits, because absolutely nobody on this earth can live up to those high expectations . They are putting you up on a pedestal, only to be faced with reality. Its all fake. Its a love/hate thing. If a person can “love” you like that, wait further down the line, they will hate you just as strongly. Its flattering, but its not love. Its nothing to do with love. As the article says, its obsession.
I agree Tigerchelle78.
When someone genuinely loves you, they do and say ‘real’ things because they authentically care for your well-being.
This is fantasy or magical thinking.
It’s emotional thinking on the part of the empath and golden period manipulation and conditioning on the part of the narc. It’s not love.
Would it be correct to assert that the mirroring is even more intense between the Narc and the Codependent ? The reason I think this is because you have two people that seek validation from outside themselves and from each other. In a sense both the Narcissist and the Codependent seek fuel.
Lori
I don’t think so. We all mirror to an extent for validation and acceptance. Some more then others. HGs kind are just very adapt at hiding their most inner self.
What if an Empath can mirror back the narcissist, how do you think this would affect them?
We do during the infatuation seduction phase. If you mirror back their negative behavior, watch out
Lori
Not mirroring their negative behavior, I agree watch out due to the fact if they see this as mocking them. I do believe one can mirror the negative behavior. Showing them that which they wish not to see, so you think an Empath can and how do you believe this would affect them if so?
Thank you HG.
So what I mean to imply in previous is – my obsession isn’t about what a great person she showed me but more about who I thought she could be. But even her good side wasn’t that good. How Can I burst that illusion or cure the humiliation. I’d love to hear the new supply is sensing cracks and experiencing problems
Kathleen – to burst the illusion you have to repeatedly tell yourself that none of it was true. Every time you think of her, you also have to tell yourself it was all lies. It will eventually interlink in your mind. It’s hard at first, and it will take time, but it worked for me.
Don’t worry about the new supply, it will be the same for her as it was for you, just concentrate on yourself. This isn’t about anybody else, but you, now. X
Beautifully written HG.
There’s an uncomfortable sense of being engulfed and trapped while reading this. It’s not healthy. To “bond” with someone does involve a certain kind of “obsession” in a way, but I don’t think it has (or should have) the “all or nothing” overtones that this has. This is almost like an ultimatum. There’s no sense of personal freedom in this. There’s no sense of wanting true happiness for the other, whether or not they were still “attached” to you.
Thank you WN.
I always get hung up on these essays that mention how the narcissist was exactly perfect and wonderful in the golden period. Mine must have been a mix of something else because very early into things I sensed the shallow, false, lack of depth and bonding. The robotic type statements. But my hook was more about trying to fix her, trying to show I was safe to open up to.
I’m leaning towards thinking she all along just wanted me to be a DLS… or something. And I was mistaken to believe anything more would ever come from it. Now she’s flaunting openly another. But I am not on the record books with some of her limited flying monkeys. This hiding of me -exonerates her from being a liar and cheater regarding her departure from her lomg term ex (almost 20yrs)she cheated on when first engaging with me.
Arggg. ‘Getting away with it “ because narcs don’t ever get hurt and there will always be sources of supply willing to fallen to the trap … so frustrating.