A Poisoned Pen
“Dear Victim,
That greeting is now more applicable than ever as you are now about to experience my devaluation of you. Why am I doing this? Well, there is the void inside of me. I know it is there and I can feel it. It makes me feel restless, then weak, then as if I am collapsing in on myself, being consumed by the black hole that sits at the centre of my being. The only way I know how to stop this happening is to fill up on emotional content from other people and in particular you. The more emotional attention I get, so much the better. The terror of oblivion soon vanishes and then the weakness fades. It does not take too long for the sensation of restlessness to evaporate and then I am on the up once more. I feel empowered, omnipotent and capable of anything. The more of this emotional content that keeps coming my way then the greater my sense of power becomes, the greater my capability to achieve and I am then that which I know myself to be. That weakened individual is not me. That is just the product of the cruelties of the world that have been heaped up against me. That is the outcome of the malice and treachery that I have to deal with. That is what created that weak individual and I do not recognise him. He has no standing with me and I banish him so readily when I receive the emotional attention which I am entitled to. You once were really, really good at giving me this emotional attention. You did it in a positive way. You loved me in a way that nobody else has done (at least so far as in that I care to remember) and I know that you still love me but there is something different now and the void is making its presence known more than it ought to and certainly more than I want it to. I know what to do though. I always know what to do. I need to flick the switch and now cause that torrent of negative emotional attention to come from you. It is easily done. I know lots of ways of doing it. What makes it even better is that the change from adoration to abhorrence is so marked, such a contrast that your reaction is increased, magnified and boosted. This means all the more of your negative emotional reactions for me to drink in. I have a toolkit full of various manipulations. I have been using some of the tools on you already, although you were so blinded by the brilliance of my seduction you did not notice. It will be different now. Some of the tools are very subtle and you will have no idea that I am controlling you. Others are pretty brutal and you won’t be able to miss them. I wish you hadn’t changed but it has happened. I don’t delight in doing this you know; I just have to do it. It is necessary for my survival and I am of course more important than you, or at least, that is what I keep telling myself. After all, that has to be true hasn’t it? If you were more important than me, you would not find yourself in this situation would you? You wouldn’t be about to face systematic abuse which will leave you hurt, upset, bewildered, exhausted, worried, anxious, terrified, puzzled and near broken. I’m not the one who is going to suffer. You are. You might consider this a punishment for failing to keep up the correct standard of emotional attention that I need. If you do, so be it. Punishment or not, it has to happen because I have to fill that void. Being able to extract such negative emotional attention from you stands as a true measure of my power over you and this is what all of this is about, power. I have to feel powerful because if I do not then I vanish and I do not want that to ever happen. I have realised that the only way that I am able to feel powerful is by harnessing the emotional responses of other people and yours most of all. I suppose you do have some importance then don’t you, just not as much as me.
Don’t take it personally. I have done this to plenty of other people like you. I thought they would prove effective in providing me the emotional attention but despite my best endeavours, careful selection and giving nature, they still malfunctioned. It is very disappointing. In order to fix the situation, I need to change the nature of my interaction with you so that I hurt you. There are thousands of ways of doing this. I may call you names, I may stop having sex with you, I may punch you, I may take your money away, I may stop you seeing your friends, I may just stand and stare at you, I may stop speaking to you, I may disappear, I may have an affair well probably more than one, I may not offer any help to you around the house, I may hide your possessions, I may smash things up, I may disagree with you repeatedly and so much more. There are so many different ways to extract that negative emotional attention. Think of it like a torturer just trying to extract information. He does not care about who you are, he just wants his goal; the information. I am just the same. You do not matter to me. I am not doing this because of who you are, it is what you have failed to do and my goal is to get your negative emotional attention and to do so repeatedly.
It’s not all bad news though. I will flick the switch and be delightful to you again and provide you with some respite from my seemingly ceaseless horrible behaviour. Don’t be mistaken and think that I am doing that because I care about you or because I have suddenly seen the error of my ways. I know you and others like you see my ways as wrong, but I seem them as necessary. I will offer you some respite so you don’t leave until I decide it is time for you to go. I do it because I feel that the contrasting positive fuel that you will provide – the relief, the joy, the thanks – will serve me well in filling the void. I don’t expect it to last but it will at least stop you from leaving me and allow you some form of recovery before I flick the switch once more and away we go again. You can expect this to go on for as long as I can keep drawing sufficient emotional attention from you. Back and forth we will go. One day good. The next bad. The next good. The next two bad. It will leave you completely baffled, confused and deranged but that suits me fine. That way you won’t be able to think straight. I do not want you making any calm and rational decisions. Heavens no, you might actually work out what I am and decide to get away from me and I cannot have my supremacy and authority challenged in that manner. I say when things happen around here.
I would say sorry for what is about to happen but eventually you will realise that I rarely say that word and if I do I never mean it. I just use it as another way of getting what I want. That’s a fact. It just the way I am. Deal with it. Well, I suppose I had better open up the toolkit and select the first dark instrument to use against you because I am starting to feel restless already and something needs to be fed.
With mechanical action N.Arc x”
7 thoughts on “A Poisoned Pen”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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HG
Such an amazing piece of work
You opened up
So explanatory
So humble
You showed humility
I felt a bond to you very strong
I have made these points so many times before but feedback much appreciated
Firstly that consuming black hole
It’s a figment of your imagination
Stop being afraid of the creation of your imagination
It’s not real
Consider how lucky you are that you understand what you are and that you, unlike many of you kind, have the chance to eradicate this terrible affliction and all the harm it does to yourself and others.
I know it will be exhausting and terrifying
But
You
Can
Should
Must
Kill the evil forces that have been placed inside you
You can do it.
You are adored by many for being a saviour despite yourself and therefore you must see the amazing unnarced person you really are.
Then you could also help other narcs to change, as well as save us victims
The weakened individual your mention
It is you
You are weak
And why are you weak?
Not because you cower with fear at the black hole that threatens you
It is a terrifying entity.
You are weak because you take the easy route and hurt others to evade it.
Extracting fuel is in fact running away from the beast
But the beast is a devils fantasy
Don’t buy into it
Strength is not extracting fuel
Strength is to face the beast and destroy it
We all remember times in our lives when we feared something for a very long time and then one day we faced it and it was a great surprise to find that it was nothing that we expected.
Being damaged as a child and the way it manifests does not make us weak.
It gives us a situation to deal with and you have the choice to deal with it the right way.
You are much the same as us, we are all victims and we struggle with black feelings often, especially after your kinds abuse.
Only difference is we faced the black hole a long time ago and still are and experiencing often very bad depression but we have faced it and know the extent of it and it’s not what you think.
This doesn’t make us better than you, we have nothing to be proud of, in fact we have a lot not to be proud of as people like us encourage the evil of your kind because we grant your behaviours the right to exist.
There’s not judgment here, but there is a window of opportunity
We weren’t offered a conscious choice how to grow from the abuse
We did what we did
You did not choose to be what you are, it just manifested
But you can choose to change it
It’s the fear of the unknown HG
Take the unknown away from you, know it, face it, learn it
You may need medication
You will need constant support
Therapy
But you can do it
Anyone of us on this site would be there for you
You would not have a shortage of hugs and love to help you through
You would never have to be alone
Have you ever imagined what it would be like if you tried?
What did you see descending into that hole, what happened to your body?
Did you disintegrate?
Or did a beast lurking inside rise at you?
IT’S NOT TRUE, YOU ARE SAFE
It’s the evil inside you telling you lies
THERE IS ONLY HAPPINESS TO FOLLOW YOUR DESCEND INTO THAT HOLE
There’s a theme park ride here in the UK at ALTON TOWERS
It’s called OBLIVION
You descend fast from a great height into a black hole and your fear is off the scale like death awaits you
Your stomach is churning
You hit the black hole and are plunged into darkness and the noise is so loud
BUT
Very quickly your aware of the descent changing quickly to a levelling out, then an upward phase and then suddenly you are thrown out again into the daylight and you feel so much joy the relief is amazing!
This I promise you HG will be what will happen if you close your fuel tanks and make that descent.
It will be a glorious, gracious transcendence into a beautiful, bright, peaceful, fearless life, full of joy and love.
I am terrified of heights, it frightened the life out of me to take that ride but I although I said I would never do it again, I would, to mark metaphorically the day you decide to make that descent truly into the Narc black hole.
As soon as possible you must take your ride through that black hole to the other side. Please mark it with me and any other bloggers that can join us, by riding Oblivion, what a great statement to start that new life.
There will be a million hands waiting to hold yours when you appear out the other side both at the theme park and in your transcendence from Narcissism
Because deep down there is so much good in you
You say you don’t have empathy or love in you
But this we all learn and it’s never too late to learn
The only reason you haven’t felt those things inside you yet is because you have never created the space inside you to feel.
Your whole being has been about fuel so you have not had an environment to allow these emotions, that you have inside you, to ignite.
Stop acting your life and be your life
Be you
Not the manifestation of demons
We make lots of mistakes but we own those mistakes
You only make one mistake and that’s not making your own mistakes
All your mistakes are governed by the narc beast inside you
Of course you will say you make no mistakes
But you are wrong, your controlled being is making mistakes every day
But your biggest, every day, is being controlled by the beast
Cast him out
Weakness and strength are not appropriate ords to use, from childhood abuse
Our afflictions from childhood have made us different from how we would like to be.
However you used the word Weak in your writing so I would say your prospective is a
Conundrum.
There is no strength in evil, you are just manipulated and controlled by a force that’s not you.
There is no weakness in the endurance to stay victims through our misguided programming and striving to be good and make things good despite the pain it often causes us.
Life is a test, a journey, to find the right path and do the right thing.
It was never meant to be easy.
The challenges were set for us before birth.
Wouldn’t achieving the most amazing brave thing be more fantastic than any cheap thrill narc fuel?
We have been facing the blackness all our lives.
However we don’t belittle the fact that it is so daunting for you.
You have drawn away from it for so long it has taken on giant proportion s in your head.
As empaths although your kind hurt us so much, we care greatly about you and understand your fears and pain and we long to see you well.
I believe in you HG
I don’t think the money is your drive to do what you do.
We applaud the insights you give us.
I know it comes from a wrestle between good and evil inside you.
The narc inside you will always deny it but I don’t hear the narc voice on this subject,
Because you yourself tell us that all a narc says are lies.
I rely on what I feel inside myself.
And I know although as a narc you cannot admit that you want to change.
I know your hear my words and want to be set free.
But you can’t admit it because you think it shows weakness.
Or you fear you will fail and you find failure unbearable.
STOP THOSE THOUGHTS
In the eyes of non narcs to admit your wrong is amazing
You have already done that in your work
To show your afraid is amazing
You have already done that in your work
You know what you have to do next.
You are prompting this discussion in preparation.
You know you can’t do this alone, you need a loving army and we are here for you.
Let us help you.
You know you have exhausted all the material on The Narcissist; you are just going round in circles now putting different slants on it.
NOW IT IS TIME FOR NEW MATERIAL
THE TRANSCENDANCE FROM THE NARCISSIST CHAINS
We will help you, there may be days you feel too unwell to write but you will be talking to your team and you can dictate your thoughts and feelings, all to be put on paper when you’re ready.
You can cry an ocean of tears with us and we will hold you tight and safe.
There is a new beginning for you were you can continue the work you’re doing but now have another dimension from the world of recovery after you killed the demon.
There will be times you will still hurt people, non narcs do that. People date and it doesn’t work out for incompatible reasons and hearts get broken, even with normal people but it’s not a desired pain just a unfortunate occurrence.
Even if my Narc could never be mine I would still do anything to see him free of the beast and see him having a wonderful normal life free from the need for fuel and all the devastation that brings.
Don’t stay weak HG be strong.
Let’s set that date to ride Oblivion.
Who wants tickets? This is a group activity to heal our Dark Master and make him our White Master with maybe just a little streak of distinguished Grey.
Love you all on this site
Yes, that was my mother to a T, the queen of the narcs.
I am so thankful, that my narc was so stupid, that he could not write one sentence without orthographic mistakes. The many, many mistakes I do here on this blog are tiny in comparison to his mistakes in his native language. Therefore he would never have written such a long letter. What a good thing for me! I am nasty, I know. But he deserves nothing else. Such a worm. But fairly talented in bed. What else can a worm do?
Funny I should read that today. I was involved with a N for four years, though only through text and phone for the last year. I believe he is a Greater or Mid-range, but I haven’t worked that out yet. Three weeks ago we discussed his behavior (dating another woman but always calling me to talk about private, emotional things) via text. He was calm and listened while I explained that I didn’t like it. The next morning he texted that he realized I was not a good friend and had deleted me. Then he wrote ‘bye’.
I was relieved to finally be off the roller coaster. This morning I went on Match to delete and cancel my account (after learning here that N’s hunt on dating websites) and saw that this man created a profile with the name: UCMeICU, viewed me 8 days ago, and hid his profile. This is really creepy stuff. The man is a well-known lawyer and, while I think he is a major N and really messed up, I’ve never thought of him as dangerous.
H.G., what do you think? He knows where I live, has been here many times. Is he starting some kind of sick revenge on me?
This is a matter which should be addressed through an audio consultation because of the need for more detail and the necessity of conveying more information to you to assist you.
Thank you. I’m still waiting for your reply on my email consult (about a different N). I want to deal with that situation first. I’m really looking forward to your insight.
Very truthful from your viewpoint.