A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 71
Goodbye my love, my tormentor, my own personal version of heaven subsumed by hell!
This time (3rd engagement) my eyes were wide open as I now know what you are, what you are not, what drives and fuels you and the many manipulative games you play. I only meant to observe and experience you, my Narcissist while being fully aware. With my new found knowledge, I thought I could abundantly meet your needs while staying immune to your emotional upheaval and abuse. I was wrong, so very wrong! I still became confused and anxious, often sleep deprived due to your calls and texts, lied to repeatedly, cherished and then ignored. After the Golden Period, not one day was like the one before it except for the common thread of highs and lows.
Did I love you still? Yes, with passion! I was in love! Did I believe we would be together forever? No, not any longer. Was I attached to and addicted to you? Oh yes, you made sure of it! Were you attached to me? To anyone? No, you’re not capable of bonding or love, although you believe you are.
Our days together turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months. We lasted far longer than I thought we would. I learned more about you than I ever wanted to know, as I deceived you into confiding the details of your sexual conquests. I was horrified at the number and the nature of all the women you have engaged with! You are a Somatic Narcissist, after all!
Eventually though, I tumbled from my pedestal. You slowly began punishing me and pulling away, searching for my replacement, pursuing and seducing other women. Then you prematurely disengaged from me, blocked and silenced for a week. She must not have been sufficient as you eagerly slipped me back in place as the Primary, only to slowly disengage a few weeks later while reading and never responding to my pleading texts. You waited until Christmas Day to block me and extend your silence, your absence in my life. Merry fucking Christmas to me…
A week of mutual silence followed by my urgent numerous imploring pathetic phone calls. Your responses were severely cold and cruel, revealing the man beneath the mask. I dared not call again. And then as the dark days slowly slipped by, I no longer craved you or wanted to hear your voice… just one last time. You did not “break” me or “tear [me] down piece by piece slowly .. from the inside out” as you told me you would do. You could not. I’ve yet to be broken by your kind.
For all the damage and destruction you crudely brought, you did leave me with one gift: an awareness of your blatant abuse, manipulations and desire for total control over me. Others before you had been much more subtle with their machinations, using a finesse and charm that you don’t possess. My new awareness led to a journey of understanding your behavior and I did find answers and clarity while reflecting back over a lifetime of familial and romantic interactions with your kind.
You are now blocked on all fronts, your photos and music deleted. The ache in my heart is diminishing slowly, the tightness is gone from the center of my chest, my lungs are free to expand and breathe again, my skin is clearing, the nightly drink relinquished… peace is slowly permeating my life… without you. I’m discovering the presence of joy and wonder in my world, once again and among those that I love and who love me. I actually glimpsed myself smiling again today as I drove to work at the beach: top down, warm sun on my face and my music carrying me along.
This is the letter I will never send, for you already know this story. You’ve played it out a hundred plus times before and will continue to do so. No, you’ll not get my letter, but you will get my perpetual silence as I delete you from my heart and mind. I’ll cherish the lessons learned, but nothing more of you. When and if I think of you, I will say a prayer even though the eternal optimist in me knows that you are beyond help. You will never change. I will pray that you obtain some power and peace while doing the least possible damage to those left in your wake, especially your children. Oh dear Lord, your children!
I will recover and avoid your kind in the future, only allowing those worthy of my love into my heart and life. You are my past as were the others before and like you, all of you Narcissists! You are not my future! But don’t fret! You still have plenty of unaware Empaths to seduce and victimize for now. However, our awareness is growing and your kind, Narcissistic human predators are slowly being outed… we are seizing the power!
Kimi
19 thoughts on “A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 71”
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I can relate to your letter in more ways than one.
Wishing you freedom on your journey.
“You are now blocked on all fronts, your photos and music deleted. The ache in my heart is diminishing slowly, the tightness is gone from the center of my chest, my lungs are free to expand and breathe again, my skin is clearing, the nightly drink relinquished… peace is slowly permeating my life… without you. I’m discovering the presence of joy and wonder in my world, once again and among those that I love and who love me. I actually glimpsed myself smiling again today as I drove to work at the beach: top down, warm sun on my face and my music carrying me along.”
This is me. Day 5. Exactly. Still shedding the anxiety, still learning how to breathe. Remembering the things I previously enjoyed pre-narc. But he has been deleted, as one of his favorite wrestler’s catchphrase goes: DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!
Keep going, as I will. Keep on guard, as I will. Don’t fall for your ego’s notion that you are somehow “immune” and that you can be detached and “observe”. You can’t. None of us can afford complacency. Continue to delete any emotional attachment to memories of him. As with any addiction, I’m finding that it’s people, places and things that have to be abandoned – not just the “substance” or “someone”. Ridiculously, I find myself heaving with anxiety in the 7-11 – we used to go there for coffee, and even though it wasn’t a 7-11 I’d ever been to with him, they are all pretty much the same and I got that familiar knot of anxiety, just from walking through the door.
It’s only fear. It’s irrational. it’s illusion. I have, by all means, taken every step within my power to keep myself safe and eliminate the chance of him being anywhere I am, and I WILL NOT go anywhere he could conceivably be. I have not ruled out the “chaos factor,” which might mean a random path-crossing at some point in the future, but for now, having taken all these steps, I am able to recognize the fear and not be overcome too much.
You are so right. Even though I do not feel the attachment that I once did, I can see now,that it takes no time to start getting caught up in the cycle again.
“I’m finding that it’s people, places and things that need to be abandoned–not just the substance or someone.” Like
Melinda, you are spot on there! How do you manage that? What works for you in discovering a new turf?
The people, places and things that were once a part of my life pre-narc are now far too tarnished by parasitic poison to remain. They must be 86’d from my life post-narc so I am able to maintain the safest and strongest space possible for my recovery. Eliminating as many opportunities to encounter his Spheres, and to avoid people and spaces that encourage the lingering of the madness, and to become scarce and hidden is best practice. Right? I must remove myself from all potential unhealthy distractions in order to identify new people, places and things not flavored by his stench. I feel it would be much easier and familiar to just isolate and spend time with HG and worldwide blog harem. Outta sight, out of my mind…errr, out of mind. Right?
@Amanda – it was I that originally wrote that – “people, places and things”, so I thought I’d respond to your question with what is working for me. The first thing I did was to (try) to sit down and remember what I truly loved pre-narc, and which of these things did NOT intersect with what he might be likely to do. Beaches, parks, forests (he was NOT an outdoor guy), photo safaris, art that makes me think (again, he was about as creative as a doorstop), live music (his “social anxiety” made going out impossible, so everywhere is safe!). I’m still too shell-shocked to go to meetups, but that will be next.
Some of the people that we knew in common haven’t taken a side, likely because I haven’t contacted any of them or told them what happened. I thought silence in our shared sphere would be better for me (and if I’m honest, more injurious to him) than a pre-emptive attempt to garner support. I haven’t answered those who MIGHT be ok, but I’m not yet willing to take that risk. In the meantime, I’m approaching my old friends and trying to reconnect and mend bridges where needed. Those that love me are generous and understanding, although incredulous that I allowed this to happen.
As to things, I left most of my things behind when I ghosted. I didn’t want anything that reminded me of him, nor did I want to provoke an enraged contact demanding something of “his” back. I burned his photos and those of his children. The world is awash in “stuff” and I’m not that material to begin with, so “things” don’t concern me. As long as I don’t have to look at something that brings back any memory of him, I’m ok.
I hope this helps. I might consider an “anonymous” group, perhaps for survivors of abuse or for co-dependents, in the near future. Again, still shell-shocked and shaking some days, and concentrating on “doing me”, so I made a policy decision that helping others right now is off the list (unless this counts). I wish you well on your journey.
Amanda, your good at answering your own questions.
I want to change my name, my hair, my clothes, my face. Recreate myself. I, too, strongly am getting the message I need a safe place and strong place for recovery. I am definitely not living in the right place. If I remain and don’t look for where I truly belong I’ll have wasted my life.
I truly believe that. I’m getting rid of most of my attachments to my pre-narc life. Every time I find something he gave me–beautiful clothes–I wince but into the Save-A-Pet bin they go.
I want to vanish. Clean slate.
I have a couple of places I would like to vanish to. Ireland or Switzerland. World cruise. Ibiza lol. No narcs there hehe.
Seriously I liked everything kellygurl1116 said. All good stuff.
Right now I’m hibernating. . . being a hermit. Regaining emotional clarity and stability. I am seeking my truth which means in small part, learning to love and firgive myself.
I associate my emotional clarity as logical thinking. Slow down, do some journaling, painting again, taking better care of myself than I did my ex. And I took good care of him. He’ll never forget me. The one that escaped.
I think it’s really important to read HGs books, stay on the blog, youtube and really get this–REALLY GET THIS–become an expert on Red Flags, all HG’s stuff, becuz its an addiction. Knowledge is power and one of our best defenses against getting ensnared again is knowledge.
Does anyone else ever have a few glass of wine and comment on the blog or only me?
Yes your probably some of us have to face the pain a few times before we can fully break the ties
Kimi
There are not words to say how amazing and full of grace is your letter! It said everything I felt inside. It showed the harshness of your journey of discovery, the depth of your love and your burning pain you suffered and your strengths and dignity.
It was written so beautifully and concisely but glowed with the goodness and integrity of the huge person of substance that you are. It is so sad these people cannot see the fabulous people they loose and the wonderful lives they could have had with such people like yourself.
Thank you so much for that wonderful letter it was great therapy for me, a great help.
Lots of Love
Lynn
Brave beautiful woman you are Kimi! Your self awareness and work is emanating in all directions to all those still suffering. Thank you!
Great writing
Nice work. Well done Kimi!
We ARE seizing the power! -weaponized, and waking each other up.
Just today I directed the gf of someone I just started talking to on a website, to HG’s YouTube .
Once you know,it can be hard to go. Only three times, you did well!
It’s the worst when you know and engage, thinking it will be different this time. This knowledge is of no use. We feel and they do not. We always lose the emotional battle. They make sure of it.
I wonder how many of us go back with the illusion that now we know who they are their techniques and how to counter them that we will stay logic and be able to control and observe ourselves ?
I would think a very high number.
Thank you for the reminder and certainly hope that by now you are even better then at the end of this letter.
Many thanks again:)
I think the number is quite high. Unfortunately, I will have to include myself. HG, was right. While we may be resistant, we are not immune. While I have not been nearly as caught up in my emotions as on previous occasions, I did slowly find myself getting back on the roller coaster ride. Eight months of NC down the drain. It is easier this time, The predictable games have become quite boring.
Diana … it’s not 8 months down the drain. You have created a new neuropath that knows that you can live and probabaly be better and well without engaging with him. When you decide to go on this neuropath again – it will reinforce it again and again and again. May take a few times but eventually your brain will make the difference z like any other addiction.
I am at fault too – but I know now that after 2 months NC i created something that did not existed before that i can go back to. Science proved this. 🙂
Wishing you strength to do the right thing it must be so hard, I have not had to face that I was neve hoovered, yet x