A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 75
So, I noticed that you posted an article on writing a letter to your narcissist. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to get out my angry monologue on my ex-narc since stabbing is illegal. I originally started writing one to him but I decided to write one to you instead as you’ve recently been quite an influence on my personal life and recovery for these past four to six months. Seems more relevant.
You see, the letter kind of evolved into talking to you about Trumps miraculous hair. So, I figured, fuck it, this would work just fine and you’ll see why. Bear with me.
I started interacting on your blog many months ago and even had a small consultation with you. I’m not sure if you remember but you answered a lot of questions for me as I had quite an extensive past with narcissists and narcissistic abuse. (I seem attracted heavily to them and the fighting/mind games is some of the overly addictive qualities about it to me.) You were quite patient and I sat to attention.
Anyway, the truth is, when I found your blogs and videos I dove in head first. Not only has reading your posts kept me lucid, but they had more than one effect on me.
During my diligent, albeit painful reading, (my eyes almost bled) my life changed and I even fell into obsession with you. But through this experience I came to an understanding of what plagued me my entire life. (Therapy coming soon I’m sure. Do I get to hit a couch and scream at my mom and beg for daddy to come home?)
There was a point I even sent you an email under a different alias that was very personal and was produced wholeheartedly in obsession with you. I’m admitting to you that I took a trip down the rabbit hole and let it happen, fully, and I needed it more than you realize. (Honesty, what I need more of in my life please.)
My first love was a narcissist. To top it off I grew up in a very abusive household with a narcissistic mother and golden child brother. Religious abuse abounded. That shit stays with you. The Devil’s Toolkit answered a lot of questions that haunted me for decades about his behaviour and my familial upbringing. I already knew they were fucking bastards I cared about that ruined my life, but you showed me the whole picture.
I won’t go too far into a history lesson here, this is after all a letter to you and should be short like you asked.
My original basis for love was built around this kind of dynamic. It’s tempting, addictive, and I’ve attracted narcs to my life more than once, and even have some traits myself. To me, you are far too tempting. (You have laser eyes of seduction I’d wager.) But reading your words was and has been the fire I needed lit under my ass to realize the illusion I’d placed on myself about love. The truth stings but I needed it so much. After a lifetime of denial, wandering, destructive behaviours and a marriage that’s falling off a cliff very very slowly: I learned a lot about my own repeating cycles and also my strengths. Time has proven that I’m a survivor and a fighter. I don’t give up easily, but I suppose there are times for that as well. This was an arena I needed to step in to see my own lies and the way I closed my heart off to feeling anything. There is only so much denial, spanking and wandering around the world can do for the heart.
HG, your words piss me off but also enlighten me. They make me laugh and make me seethe. Yet it turned my heart back on and taught me how to feel again. By turning that obsession around from my ex-narc into the truth from you, I was able to confront him after all this time instead of playing games with him two decades later. He fucked off, go figures. Was probably barking up the wrong tree for honesty, am I right? You restored my shattered lifeline and gave me the chance to recover what I’d lost decades ago; me.
I’m under no illusion as to what I need to do to keep finding myself and you were the catalyst I needed to burn everything I believed about myself into flames. In the past six months I’ve learned to cry again, laugh, dance, get angry, be happy, be open, and recover the strength and boundaries taken from my heart. (Instead of wandering around in a labyrinth of mind fuck, even if I love it sometimes.) Seeing your capability to admit and share has encouraged and inspired me to do what I need to do for myself for once. It ripped apart everything inside of me, especially after speaking directly and feeling the shadow around your own heart. My god the pain. There is more to it but I think you get what I’m saying and now I’m over word count. Maybe talking about Trump would’ve been shorter?
You are a sick son of a bitch and I fucking care about what happens to you, you bastard. To me you’ll always be the narc that cured my silent heart. Take that how you want. I wonder if I should have told him I love you but fuck off?
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And another thing that so many of you seem to forget or just not have EXPERIENCED. He has openly told you that his mother is a NARCISSIST which he cannot get out from her hooks. Lord help you as a child when that happens. Or what is even worse… Two narcissistic parents. You grow up in a prison and hell that you can never imagine. Especially when wealth and social status comes into play. Multiple children… All treated differently, everyone has their assigned place on the totem pole . Everyone, calculatingly, pitted against each other. “You are better than everyone else” yet you are shown that you are absolutely worthless and are told so. It is a mindfuck you will never know or… some of you do. And as an adult, it is a charade of games that they amp up when you stop playing and or fight back. When you have a mother that hates you, and her life goal is to break you down into something you HAVE TO BE (or she convinces the entire world or it) she will stop at NOTHING to achieve that. Because her exposure, would destroy her image which is her identity… To the world of course. And THAT is the only thing she has. But excusing yourself from that demonic circus… Is so freeing. Lord help you if you can’t. You can’t even breathe in that situation it is so toxic. But if what he says is true… And who he is… He is still stuck in the web. He can rip himself out of a web alright, but there are about 500 more around him constantly being spun to tangle him up. Mentally exhausting. Such a prison indeed. Now I am not saying this to excuse his actions or what he does or other narcs. But there does need to be an understanding behind the looking glass. I can see a narcissist so easily they do not even need to speak. They are everywhere, and yes there are low to high. The low might as well be wearing a clown suit it is so obvious. But… Empaths that are bred out of this environment don’t just want to make people happy because they feel like it. It is a part of their inner core. We are very strong…and we never blame others. (how did WE cause this to happen?) Remember… That is why we hold ourselves accountable for our OWN actions in situations, and what we did for our own undoing. That was embedded in us LONG ago. We learn from everything and others. And we watch as well. But… We feel. It might be a painful process to get there, but we do. We love and help others because it was a world as a child that we were deprived of. We do not like bullies, we do stand up for people when they cannot, and we will fight. Believe you me. But in a way that will mind boggle even the skilled narrcistic. We are very open but very guarded. Much like the Narrcistic… But hurting people gives us no pleasure. But lessons must be taught in life to others for their own personal growth. Maybe life sent you the narcissist for you to grow? Never know. And no one is perfect… Not even in the slightest. I would never be the person that I am today had it not been through life experiences. And to blame others for my hurts does me no justice. Self love… I am my own knight in shining armour. No one will save you except yourself. Learn from anything you can… But mainly your mind and heart. You have them both for a reason. Logic, reason, and understanding the forest through the trees is an art. If you expect your life or anyone in it to be perfect to your ideals… Well the “Victim” and the “Narcissist” BOTH are expecting the same EXACT thing. Maybe in different ways of achieving it. But none the less, you are both hopelessly loving someone that the other is not going to be. You want to change their identity… They want to change yours. How is it any different? If you can’t love him or her… And balance him or her out. Then you are outmatched… And you need to severe the tie and leave for FOREVER. And you can do that by NEVER giving them anything emotionally. It is a very deep wound to them. But it helps them grow as well. Anyone can learn from anyone. You cannot fix anyone… But you can shine a light in darkness. Whether the other is too afraid to uncover their face from the darkness and look up and around is up to them.
Very well put. Empathy is a gift and a strength. We will fight against injustice, bullying, cheating. We fight for the Truth to be known but we are whole on our own. If I have learned anything from the narcissists it is that, with all my flaws, I am happy in my soul, the Truth is the Truth and not to wear myself out responding to falsehoods. Tell the Truth and then leave it there…and , of course, to listen to my intuition.
Very open but very guarded. Indeed.
All narcissists are very different and behave in very different ways. Tucking them nicely away into a few little categories is a great insult to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissists do give, and they will give alot. They know (their mind) that they are not good enough and are lacking. So there for, they shower you with gifts. Gifts are not just material things. More so they do it with actions and will make great sacrifices of themselves to do it. Because they want your love and admiration. Sounds a bit like codependency doesn’t? “I’ve given you everything I can, and its just not good enough?” Maybe even a victim? Even the most self absorbed and delusioned narrcisist gives just as much. They will say the same thing. Love to them is doing things and actions and expecting love in return. It is a feel good and an affirmation. It is like a broken cup, you can pour all the love into it. But until that person puts all their pieces back together, it pours right through the bottom. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you, they are broken on the inside. They give to the best of their abilities. Do you expect someone with no limbs to wash your dishes for? No. But can’t you wash them yourself? People that truly love themselves and are comfortable in their own skin, flaws and all… Don’t need love from others to make them feel happy ☺. Love is love. There is no limited supply that must be stored up because we will run out. They don’t love me… “Well, shit, I gave it my best shot. I gave them ME”. But that’s okay. I’m still here, and I have the breathe of life inside of me while others are truly dying taking their last breaths here on earth wanting to stay. The world is a broken place. And what better than to share my love and time with everyone. You can’t change the world, but you can effect the devastation it has on people. Now this guy… Says he wants to build his legacy to be left when he is gone. He does I guess teach people how to love themselves and give them survival tools to that in a round about way. How do we know he wasn’t afflicted with this to touch other people’s hearts? We don’t. His legacy to him… Whatever that is him… Might not be exactly what it is. Let’s say… He’s changed 1000 people to love themselves and spread that love to others. Can you imagine what they can do for others? Even if he only changed 1, he has still given that person to change their life, and then so many others. Now that might make him feel powerful. I don’t know; I’m not in his head. That is a legacy and life altering to so many yet to come. He spread empathy and time (paid or not) whether he realizes it of not. And I believe that the best gift you can give someone is your time. Because that is something you can never get back. Whether it was wasted or not, you don’t know. How do you know it won’t effect them 20 years later. I like to sow little seeds. Seeds can be kept and planted years and decades later. But I don’t have to SEE what I have done or the results and own it. Now I’m not giving him praises, but one must look at things from every direction…inside and out. We have absolutely no idea who he is, what he is doing, and why he is doing it. He might be telling the absolute truth. Who cares? I stumbled across it, and I have a very inquistive mind. I have NEVER blogged before…lol But I see these people hanging on his every word in the comments. And,yes, he even has minions in his comments doing his bidding which he will comment to them and they get praise! Laughable! People in love and infatuated with him! They need to start loving themselves. You do that by stop trying to find someone else to love you instead. But I am not omnipotent. I am a mere ant as we ALL are in this world. The real one.
Spanish Caravan, i did experience what you’re describing. But i refused to suppress myself, i don’t just have a purely materialistic-status self, but a more complex, social and existential one. I want to be as multidimensional as possible, i’m not just their victim and they can’t subsume me. It’s my life, fuck you.
On the other hand that leaves me the challenging task of re-learning the will to survive and practical skills connected to it.
Yes its your life, but I’m not trying to take it from you. I never accused you of the things you said explaining yourself and your life to me. You don’t have to explain your life to me at all. You don’t have to explain anything to me. Who am I to you? I believe you said in your comment below that you cannot care about someone you really don’t know. But yet… You cared enough to respond to me. And I cared enough to respond to you. Fantasy or no fantasy… We are BOTH two people interacting.
Spanish Caravan – i was in a way engaging with myself, through the ideas and feelings presented here, as i interpreted them in ways that are relevant to me.
What i said here wasn’t to you, personally, but in my mind—to internalised memories.
I’m not a callous person. But the context here is limited.
Caring about social values, being reflective and responsive to others and processing information, etc..
-and-
Having an intimate relationship with someone
= not the same thing.
Spanish caravan
That’s actually a very interesting perspective.It gives one a lot to think about. I hadn’t actually looked at it from that angle before. I love this blog for all the different comments.There are so many ways to see things:)
I imagine there are those of us who had many differing reactions to HG`s posts. Perhaps, it depends on the individual, the type and level of trauma, and the personality, among other numerous factors regarding past experiences of abuse. The level and form of ptsd that one is experiencing are also huge factors in how one might react to his posts. Some of HG`s posts made me nauseous and as though I couldn’t catch my breath. Some posts took me several tries to finish reading. Love HG, no, not me. But, I judge you not. My reaction is probably just the flip side of yours. Not that I hate him, I do not. I don’t feel anything for HG, it`s merely my ptsd saying hello. The in your face all too familiar narcissistic sociopath rantings, along with the mindset behind it all is most valuable, however. For inner healing I have reached out to another source. Keep writing, HG.
HG presents a charismatic, successful, masculine persona for people—especially women, to transfer their erotic and emotional fantasies and needs onto, while letting them see that a sexual predator will use these very feelings against them. That is the main thing he does, and he gets a boost from it. That’s all good… so far. The other thing is ‘us’ —supporting, sharing, keeping it real (trying to, it’s the internet).
It’s normal to sexually fantasise about mythical icons, it’s a form of egocentrism (which is different to narcissism) and hubris: we become great heros by overcoming the danger, the unknown, by re-claiming what is beyond meaning, back into moral order of things by the powers of transformation: the monster is conquered by our love. We transform our pain into love by loving the monster—a projection of our internalised fears and shame. It is a powerful emotional cocktail.
but HG is only mythical on this blog, for the purpose of transference, which is also his high selling point—and in his real life, for the purpose of gaining social status and fuel. He has already said that he is a toxic person who is addicted to abusing others, especially women romantic partners.
In reality, you can’t care about someone unless you really know them, it’s essential to know the difference between fantasy and reality. A co-dependent may have poor boundaries in this regard because their needs have been neglected and repressed. Life is lonely when you’ve been abused or you’re not at a social advantage.
This writer should be worried about themselves, not the mythical HG as a magic portal to the real HG. They suffer from codependency issues, poor boundaries and do not know how to separate fantasy from reality. Maybe they have given up on finding what they really need from healthy partners or from their own lives, this is something they should address in a proper therapy.
Good luck!
Thank you for your explanation of this blog and its “bloggers”. So with this knowledge, I know now its PURPOSE. My apologies to ALL that I have offended. I came in for the purpose for EVERYONE to see things in many different ways of perspective. Which sometimes things MUST be black or white. I have dealt with MANY Narcissists.
Romantically, HD TUDUR is absolutely correct in what he would do to you. He would lean in with his intoxicating smell and kiss your lips pulling you in by the small of your back. Your mind, body, and soul would go into complete ecstasy. And as you were melting from the inside out, he would slide his hand from your cheek right down into your chest and slide your heart out. Now you wouldn’t know this of course because your eyes are still closed, and you are still entranced in that high state of ecstasy. But as his lips pull away, you open those hungry bedroom eyes. Your vision is still fuzzy as you are expecting more of that addicting chemistry that he fuels you with. But alas… He is holding your heart in his hand. He wants you to see it in his palm. Then he wraps those fingers around it and lets you see as he squeezes the blood slowly from it until he is white knuckling it. He then will hook you up to a blood transfusion so YOU can see how POWERFUL HE IS… only for his own fuel of course. His pleasure… Not yours. He GOT you. Now if you are even more unlucky than THAT… He will surgically give you a mechanical heart to keep your body going so he can visit you in your lifeless horror but only for his benefit. And that will be your life and your prison and your existence. BLACK AND WHITE. I have realized that many of you here do not have the experience, defenses, and intelligence to someone like HG. Not that that you are stupid or dumb, but it is a mind that you absolutely DO NOT UNDERSTAND. And if he needs to hammer this over, and over, and over to you… Then you need to keep listening to him. Because if you want to walk to your car every morning, years after you left HG wondering, ‘Is this the day that I have the clip unloaded in the back of my head?’ then you should keep listening to him. Now, they are all different as to what they may do to you. But you never know the day you might meet that “SPECIAL” one. HG TUDUR looks as beautiful as the masculine devil portraits he puts up. But he will NEVER love you. And yes you are in a safe setting with him. Like you watch a lion in a zoo. Don’t meet him in his den…. He will rip you to shreds. And you will be LUCKY if you get out bleeding and mauled. If you are a PREY… then you better learn from a PREDATOR. But make sure you keep your heart. Or you will be like him. And don’t run around in fear of every man… That PREDATOR will smell your fear from MILES AWAY. And he will come and find you and HUNT-YOU-DOWN… again… and again… and again. And your life might END as HG is choking you to death on your own kitchen floor. And his face will be the last one you see as you leave this earth. You better listen to him.
I don’t want to fix HG. This is his money . Lol. Just use him for information . He isn’t scary . But , save your hearts for a real live person . There are plenty of people in your own world that need love.
HGs world is full up of appliances … he’s a talented and creative writer . It’s hard to read about women or men becoming obsessed .
Pale Horse you are correct in what you write. But just like the narcissist has a pattern he follows, so do most empaths. To be crushed by someone you love, trust and would do anything in the world for. to being left confused, abandoned, and feeling helpless. They destroy us and are spirit! Then you come across this blog! After perhaps years of being involved with narcissists you finally find the answers you are looking for but are so addicted to the pattern in life you are following, it is hard to break that cycle, even harder for some not to look at HG as that night in shining armor! The one who tells us we are not crazy or pathetic, the one that gives you the answers and tools,the one that we think finally understands! Some of us are so desperate to find that one person who can love us,( because we have told are selves that all of this is are fault and we are unloveable) as we love them. We forget who and what he is or we refuse to believe it! How can someone who is so charming, intelligent, funny, and seems to truly care, be a narcissist? Bingo! You finally see it! By reading the blog and his work that light bulb turns on in your head! Of course he is a narcissist! This is what they do! This is what we have fallen for time and time again! He tells you he is! It might be one of the first times in his life that he actually tells the truth! It’s an addiction! It’s an every day battle for us! Not all, but most. You learn over the years, months, or weeks ( some may take longer then others) that you follow him to admire him, respect him, learn from him yes even care about him. But not to love and fantasize about him because he is incapable ( sadly) of knowing what love is. So for you to see him professionally is indeed wonderful. It may take others on here a bit longer to do that.
Kind Regards,
Fool Me 1 Time 🌻
Fool Me 1 Time,
I completely understand and agree. In my journey to healing, I have had to acknowledge some hard truths about myself that kept me in that revolving door of narcs. Although I am now armed with that knowledge, I continue to have to have to reality test many of my beliefs, thoughts, etc . I think we are on the same page. I just want to put it out there that I in no way believe I am above or further along in the process than anyone nor am I asserting that you said or implied such 🙂 We all have to walk our own paths. All in all, I look forward to many more spirited discussions with you. Be well.
Best;
PH
Hi Spanish Caravan,
Responding to your comment –
Coming across HG’s work (blog, books and interviews) was one of the best things that could happen to me – no tears and/or devastation. It was such a relief. Such. A. Relief. And he is a truly amazing writer.
Of course now I have to face what I didn’t want to face and was in complete denial of (clearly).
I only regret not having known of HG when he started the blog in 2015 (I could have handled things differently with my last narc).
I don’t mean to kiss ass or anything and I still have lots of issues to solve (very unpleasant ‘residues’ from my last relationship) but I feel I’m in a better place now.
I was so naive. So naive. I couldn’t face malevolence in people, I was repeatedly (see HG, I didn’t say ‘constantly’) making excuses for everybody and lying to myself.
I have read extensively on the subject of narcissism and never, ever did I find anything remotely comparable to HG’s work – that’s how he got me hooked.
I don’t think he’s going to change, grow a heart and develop a conscience. I do believe him when he says there can be NO change.
I know he’s not doing this out of kindness. I actually think his interactions with us will make him gain even more insights into human vulnerability.
I will be FOREVER GRATEFUL nonetheless.
In no means am I bashing him or what he does. In no means am I saying he has not helped anyone. Quid pro quo. It is a very useful system for all involved. As a MASTER narcissist the workings of his mind are different then others. My statement to him included others like him as well. Narcissists primary targets are very strong, beautiful, charming, ultimate challenges. If a hunter kills an ant, does he feel like he has accomplished something? Does he even notice it? No. A skilled hunter wants to kill a lion… Without a gun. And if he can do that, how powerful that must make him feel. He’s going to have to lure it out. He’s going to have to be very charming, passive, and patient. Extremely frustrating at times. Especially when the lion gets aggressive and roars at him… Scares him. But yet the hunter has to maintain calm on the inside no matter that the lion just may rip his heart out. How much control do you think you would have to elicit in that situation? Now I am not talking about any of us mere ants on here. But in the intimant workings of these kinds of narricists and highly empathic people (we are extremely strong emotionally and highly perceptive) it is a very long, high endurance, highly emotional marathon. It is a battle of wits. The puppet master realizes at times that he is on the strings. Like the lion about to rip the heart out of the hunter. Its a power control. They are not going to find an almost dead lion if they want that ultimate high. Would a hunter pick up road kill he didn’t even kill, and pick it up and say, “Look what I have done!”? No. Master empaths love to give EMOTIONS and to show or make others see the cruel world through their eyes. And what a better mate than someone that can’t even feel their own. I have my own life… I can’t fix him. But all Narcissists lie. HG is not going to tell you his pain. He has his entire life set up so he cannot feel it. And he wouldn’t dare expose HIS weakness to you or barely anyone in his real life.
But remember this… We all have narcissistic traits. You not wanting him to heal so he can keep “HG TUDUR” alive and well is very cruel and selfish. Remember he is a person with feelings. He is a “thing” to you. Not real, something that makes you feel good. A supply. What makes you different from all the people that sucked off of you? Your pain that made them feel good? And no this is not because I have some hell bent notion on him being fixed. It is merely a reflection of what I see. To me… That is selfish. But you don’t have to agree. Just something to think about.
My apologies EmP…. That last part was mainly directed to Tigerchelle down below on her response to my comment. Morning coffee hadn’t set in yet for me. I thought you had said it. I’m sure she will find it. I’m certain of it. But none the less… We can all think about doing the same thing that he does. Hard to think because we are good people. Some even victims. And in no way am I down playing victimization. I’m sure we have all had our toils in life, some more than others. By why lay down and die? Even when a prison puts you there. You fight it, and you fight it everyday. What is done, cannot be undone. The world is going to try and punch you in the face everyday. You have to fight but part of skilled fighting is defence. You have to train… But you have to have a sparring partner.
Spanish Caravan, no worries!
As to empaths being capable of doing what HG does, I’m not sure we could. We are wired differently – and the vast majority of people do not have half of his skills anyway.
Spanish Caravan…I found your comment and the bit you were referring to.
1)Yes we do all have narcissistic traits. Some can be stronger or more dominant in some people.
2) I did not say: “I did not want him to heal so that he can keep HG Tudor alive and well.” They were your words. Not mine.
My words were: “victims don’t need HG, they need the information he provides.”
I also said about how from his point of view with words he has expressed to me in email and on the blog many times that: “he doesn’t feel he needs fixing in any way, as he works efficiently and perfectly well as he is.
”
3) This is neither me trying to be cruel or selfish in anything that I was saying. I was merely just pointing out what I knew to be accurate as far as I was aware.
4) He is a person but not with feelings like we experience. He does not feel like we do. He mimics and then copies.
5) He is not a “thing” to me, nor have I suggested that he is. Not my words.
6) You talk of him being “Not real, and something that makes me feel good or a supply. Could you show me evidence of where I have said this please?
7) You asked: “What makes you different from all the people that sucked off of me? My pain that made them feel good?
Again, please provide evidence of where I have stated these things.
I do not understand what you are referring to here. Nor do I understand.
You are correct. I do not agree.
Nor do I have a clue where you were coming from. But thanks anyway….
I agree with you Tigerchelle 78. The rant you are responding to is nonsensical. It does not matter that HG is a narcissist save for the information and insight he provides. Nor does it matter whether or not he “needs fixing.” Not sure why SC believes that the truth HG provides is hurtful etc. The truth has likely set many of us free. And sometimes the truth hurts. If the truth hurts and if facing it is what will eventually heal us, then so be it. I would much rather shed tears resulting from hearing the truth than to shed anymore tears as a result of narc abuse. If HG gets fuel from his interactions with individuals on the blog, (which as you pointed out, he says he does not), then so be it. Who cares as long as he is providing the truth?
Pale Horse,
yes, I’m not sure what to think of SC’s comments. Maybe there were misunderstandings both sides, I’m not sure. Although I know at times my comments have seemed strange perhaps. I don’t mean to put anyone down at all. Or to seem like I’m bullying them.
I was just copying HG’s way of handling it. I have learnt in here and seen often enough how HG handles any kind of accusations or even inaccuracies, and therefore decided to handle it in a similar way.
I must admit I’ve learnt a lot of HG’s little ways. I haven’t even realised until now.
I was talking to hubby earlier, and in conversation I suddenly said something exactly the way HG would say something in here. It just made me laugh, because I realise I’ve picked up and learnt his ways. I do have a tendency to do this with people.
I hope that doesn’t offend you HG.
Yes, I have picked up and incorporated some of the verbal nuances. I think you handled yourself wonderously, engaging in this discussion.
Pale Horse
I appreciate you saying that. Thank you for your encouragement.
Its taken me a while to adapt in here. Get used to it all. I don’t know how you’ve found it, or how new you are, but I’ve certainly learnt a lot just from observing how different ones handle themselves. I actually struggle with this kind of thing, and expressing myself in the right kind of ways.
Hi Tigerchelle 78,
Yes, I believe it is only natural to integrate HG’s method of dealing with issues into your already existing schema. I believe I have as well. Let’s face it….there are changes that have to be made within us to ensure that we do not suffer the same fate once again. If that means be more assertive, then so be it.
Also the subject that many feel they would like to perhaps help, or fix HG, (which seems a common thread that keeps popping up), and its because they care about him (which is natural especially to someone who has helped you), and he recognises the sentiments behind this. Even though he is a Master Narc.
But truth is he is not ours to fix. It is only HIM who could do such a thing, IF he so wished. But whether he did or not, really has nothing to do with any of us. He has to have a personal life. They are his boundaries. We all as readers, and tertiary sources, readers, toasters, light bulbs whatever….all have no say whatsoever in that personal life of his.
I don’t know if the public as a whole has any sway or pull on him. But even if that was true, it would be a collective thing as a whole.
However, because he is in here and corresponds with us, in a professional, but courteous manner, we see him as almost like a mentor and good friend. He is patient with us, teaches us, corrects us, helps us and he almost takes on this Father type role for all of us. Many of us in here did not have a good father figure. Some people begin to idolise and fantasise about him, and again the boundaries get even more misunderstood. For many of us, HG is the only male we trust and deal with on a day to day basis, perhaps, or the only voice of reason and logic we listen to. Some of us feel very attached to him. Some of us care about him as a person genuinely and want the best for him. Many of us knowing bits of his past and seeing that inner child within him feel close to him. This is I guess only natural from our perspectives, and being the caring and nurturing but also intelligent kind that we are.
Many will deny they feel anything toward him, and that may well be the truth, but maybe they are just protecting themselves.
I’ve noticed that in here this whole HG (him, and what he should or shouldn’t do, how and what he should or shouldn’t feel etc) can be a cause for focus and many of the arguments or disagreements in here. I feel its us getting either too close emotionally to HG or thinking/perceiving that others in here are, and then either projecting some kind of jealousy or trying to almost outdo each other, and show that we are the ones that know HG the best, or wanting to be noticed by him in some way. (Maybe that’s how this comes across, I assure you it’s not meant like that.)
None of us really know him. None of us have met him or spent any quality time with him. We only know the public side of him which he puts out and keeps at arms length. If any of us start to feel like we know what’s best for HG, maybe we should say the words “I am irrelevant.”
I don’t wanna tread on anyone’s toes here. I don’t want to cause upset or distress to anyone. I hope I have not by trying to explain this all. Just saying and trying to explain what I’ve noticed. However I realise what I say is not important.
Please feel free to correct any inaccuracies HG or not put up at all.
Spanish Caravan,
What makes you think I consider HG a ‘thing’? Yes, he’s my number one source when it comes to narcissists (and empaths). I absolutely love his work and I hope he keeps teaching, mentoring and spreading knowledge and awareness. If this qualifies as ‘using’ him, I have to admit that I’ll be more than happy to keep ‘using’ HG.
Also, I am no expert, but I keep wondering why some readers assume HG needs healing, is hurting, and/or suffers some form of distress. Are they sure this is the case? I might be completely wrong (and of course I am not inside his head) but I have the feeling he is perfectly satisfied with himself and his behaviours. He also stated, in several occasions, that there can be no change and narcissism cannot be eradicated. I have no reason to believe he was lying or being inaccurate.
HG Tudor
APRIL 4, 2017 AT 10:14
You may well be right Twilight.
Indeed. People here are not known to me. They are remote strangers which means that the fuel provided is at the lowest level – the book Fuel makes this very clear and as you have identified I have repeatedly stated that.
I have no need to manipulate anybody on the blog because
1. The blog is not here to provide me with fuel;
2. It is counter productive to a constructive blog; and
3. The 5 rules prevent it anyway.
What happens is that a minority when they realise they have no effective argument fall back on starting “you are doing this for fuel” to mask their own shortcomings. Of course this individual will keep going on and on like a stuck record. The accusation re fuel is also indicative of a sense of self-importance.
https://narcsite.com/2017/04/01/cookie-jar-2/
HG Tudor
JULY 4, 2018 AT 13:32
No, please read my work, the rules section and the about section and that explains the situation with regard to fuel. I have explained previously why I do this – it is to create a legacy, be the number one resource for narcissism and it appeals to me to weaponise empaths. When I win if you happen to do so as well, it’s good all round.
https://narcsite.com/2018/07/04/narc-detector-start-your-road-to-freedom/#comments
Thank you K.
My pleasure, HG!
@KDB – “I learned a lot about my own repeating cycles and also my strengths. Time has proven that I’m a survivor and a fighter. I don’t give up easily, but I suppose there are times for that as well. This was an arena I needed to step in to see my own lies and the way I closed my heart off to feeling anything.”
The tools may be given, the way pointed, but each of us has to take the journey on our own. As the Buddha said:
“By ourselves is evil done,
By ourselves we pain endure,
By ourselves we cease from wrong,
By ourselves become we pure.
No one saves us but ourselves.
No one can and no one may.
We ourselves must walk the path:
Buddhas only show the way.”
No one is going to save your ass but you. Reading between the lines, and speaking from personal experience, I imagine that you have painful issues of your own that you need to distract from with the mental stimulation that figuring out the game with narcs and then trying to “fix” them provides. Your time and energy belongs to you, to “fix” YOU, to help YOU, to heal YOU and to know and love YOU. Trust yourself to feel again, in your own time. Peace to you.
Hi Kelleygurl116,
I like what you have to say, the message of fixing ourselves is very important. When it comes to narcissists we can not fix them, I know i never wanted to fix the narcissist who I engaged with. I offered him my time and my genuine care/ compassion- but never to fix his problems or take away the pain I saw in him.
I wholeheartedly agree with you that our time and energy should be spent on sorting ourselves out… thank you for your post, I enjoyed reading it very much.
KDB this letter took courage! Not because of your infatuation with HG but because you recognise you jump from one Narc to the next. Sure, HG is probably a night in shining armour to ALL of us, some of us will respect his creativity and work, others will hope for more. I think it’s healthy to strengthen your ET if you can. ‘The narc that cured your silent heart’ can also set you free from his kind by using the tools he’s provided. It seems for the first time you recognise yourself and describe how you feel beautifully, now it’s time to set yourself free.
Pale Horse, what a point!! HG would definitely rag doll you into oblivion in the real world. The man is evil and admits it time and time again!!
So….be it far from me to start a debate but….has not much of this thought process what has gotten us into trouble. Obsession…crush…rescuer. Were not those the result of qualities our N’s had (have; were taught to have). The night in shining armour. Is that not what our N’s represented as well. Did not your N show you the truth during devaluation and disengagement? HG, with his intelligence and insight teaches us to comprehend the truth. Plus, during the golden period, did your N not give you tools and skills to help yourselves? Maybe not the way you wanted but still growth occurred. As I am an avid follower of HG, many of the things you have said about him can apply to most narcissists. AND HG is a narcissist by self-report. So, I ask you, how much progress have you actually made when essentially you have placed the love you had for your X-N as well as his traits upon HG? A man that if you entered his world would rag doll you into oblivion. However, in this world he is kind and helpful although he has his own motives to do such. He has helped me out immensely. Thus, he is not my obsession, rescuer, etc. It is a professional engagement.
-Shawn
Pale, thank you for that comment.
This was a really good letter KDB:) I think there has been a few of us at one point in time have “crushed”on HG or become mildly obsessed , myself included a bit ( sheepish eye roll) I think part of it is, he kinda rescued some of us in ways.Not only are we thankful for him being our faceless night in shining armour, but he shows us the truth when we are completely shattered broken and confused. Then he gives us the tools and coping skills we need to actually help ourselves if we choose to.And yes his words of truth shred us at times, and yes the pain of his words, oh god the truth hurts.But eventually we process the truth, process the emotional thinking, utilize the skills we learn. I hope HG writes for a very very long time. His knowledge is so needed for so many❤
Thank you Star. I do appreciate people’s gratitude for the work I do and the freedom it provides and so long as people keep a perspective with regard to why I do it and look to their own defences, they will benefit to the greatest degree.
HG, What a wonderful supply this must be for you and so easily cultivated. “Victims” NEEDING YOU (the ultimate knight in shining armour), and then you destroy them with truth. Something they so desperately need and have to have. And you give it to them. Their tears, devastation, complete unraveling, and brokenness from past loves or whoevers that must pour forth when you give that truth to them. You control the questioning, the letters, the system.Your terms. So ALLURING to them. But I wonder how many realize that you are the one that is the cause in that complete break in reality? The tears and so forth… Are not coming from the past. But YOU get-to-make-that-happen. You become the ULTIMATE knight in brilliantly, shining dark(always alluring) armour. Then you slay them with your sword and marvel at the blood that drips from it. What a beautiful masterpiece. And I mean no disrespect either. Never would I dare tread into such a playinground insulting a man with your charm and wonderful soothing accent. It is quite profound actually. Quid pro quo. But remember EVERY knight has to bathe, and someone has to pull off the chainmail for him. EVERY highly honed empath knows and feels directly where your pain is. It radiates. And that is when we reach in to dig that bullet out of you as painful as it may be for both of us. Everyone has a heart. We may not fix it… But we do find it. And it is placed at the very existence of your pain which you keep BOTH guarded so well. That is why we flock intimately to each other. Other personal relationships… We can easily leave when we feel there is no fixing and we have exhausted every avenue. But, intimately, when we do leave, we wound in a way that you will never forget. But not to hurt, even though it may, but to remind you of the closest thing to love you will ever feel. In hopes that one day you will see and feel it (true love and caring.) I hope you heal and truly feel the closeness of someone… Not just some thing or idea. People are cruel… But TRUE empaths can always see and feel behind the looking glass as much as we might not want to at times. But alas, we do help others in life to the best of our abilities. Even people just like you. The world is a cruel place, and it does many things to people. We cannot change the world. But we love to love and salve the wounds of others. The Lion is a BEAUTIFUL creature. But we dare not go into its den even though how badly we may want to pull the thorn out of his paw. Loved hearing you speak on the radio shows you did. It showed your personal side and charm… You in fluid motion.
There is something that needs pasting here, about how the blog and it’s entries being the lowest potency in fuel from the written word or something like that….. maybe K can find it!
Victims don’t need HG. But they do need the information that he provides. We all seem to have this overwhelming desire to fix and heal HG. I know because I’ve often felt this too. We want him to feel love. To feel happiness. But from his point of view he doesn’t need fixing. He is all good and functions perfectly well as he is. If he started to love and feel as we do, then he wouldn’t be HG. He couldn’t do what he does.
I hope I’m right in what I’m saying here. If not I have no doubt he will correct the inaccuracies.
I have had to distance myself for similar reasons. Whatever this stupid thing is I don’t like it. I care what happens to you too. The thought of a consultation frightens me. Come here. No, go away. No, come here. Go away. Etc. I think it’s natural to grow attached to the thing that has helped heal you, even if that thing is of the same kind that caused hurt. It’s under control. I thank that ocean between us.
Bibi its the fear of being entranced by that voice and mannerism that has prevented me from getting a consultation even though I realize now that i probobly should have had one long ago to deal with issues. I’m so scared of becoming obsessed in an unhealthy way lol. As much as HG has been helpful I realize I still have my own stuff I have to keep under wraps 🙂
Interesting…Mr. Tudor, I’m learning a lot here on your blog and I do so appreciate your writing style, diction, tone and candor. I have realized however that there is an elephant roaming about the pages of narcite.com. The beast appears ever so often between posts, intermingled in comments, hovers in the midst of replies, and lingers upon each like. After reading this latest post and the subsequent comments that have followed, I realize that the elephant has a name… Mr. Tudor, your thoughts?
Angel Grace…. your thoughts are interesting. Do you really think if that elephant had a name, it would be disclosed? Mr Tudor has his own agenda, relationships, life, work, and world he lives in. It’s absolutely nothing to do with us. He provides information. We learn and benefit from that information. He owes us nothing. That’s as far as it goes, or should. I understand in here as many women, with the feelings and perception we all have, we can start to care too much what goes on in his world and about him personally, because we are empathic like that. Sometimes he will indulge us with bits and pieces and how he feels about certain things, but at the end of the day he is here to do his job.
I find all the disruption and arguments in here often can get start by concentrating too much on HG himself rather than his professional and excellent work! Just my two cents….
Valid observations.