Mind Games – Part One
We love to conquer. Nowhere is off limits to our kind. Your mind is no exception to that mentality. The repeated application of mind games and the impact this had are both consequence which live long in the memory of those who have experienced them as a consequence of being entangled with us. I repeatedly state that the games are always being played. I doubt few would disagree with that statement. You ought to be aware however that the deployment of mind games, whilst always a factor in the narcissistic relationship, is not as deliberate as you may first imagine. In the case of the Lesser Narcissist, the mind games are collateral. They are a consequence of his instinctive behaviours, his reactions and pre-determined methodologies. He lacks the cognitive function to engage in the purposeful mental torment, but instead what arises as mind games is side-effect of the way that he behaves. As for the Mid-Range, well the application of mind games will sometimes manifest as deliberate but for the most part, he is similar to the Lesser and that these mind games occur as a consequence of the way he is engineered to think and to behave. It is with the Greater where the true twisted behaviour manifests as not only are the mind games a consequence of what we do, we also purposefully engage in them because we know how effective they are at achieving what we want and also because we are excellent at deploying them.
The imposition of bewilderment on a shattered and exhausted mind possesses a deftness of touch which is far superior to the brutish application of a fist to a cheek. The conjuring of confusion from the use of words alone is a highlight of the Greater’s manipulative repertoire. Accordingly, the mind games which arise from entanglement with a Lesser or a Mid-Range arise because of the various defence mechanisms those types of narcissist deploy. The Greater regards the playing of mind games as an essential part of the narcissistic relationship, one which is considered noble, important and a hallmark of his sophisticated abuse.
These mind games are varied and effective. Anybody who has been on the receiving end of them will testify as to the horrible impact that they have in creating doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, submission and a sense of helplessness. What are some of these mind games?
- Second Guessing. The act of making you forget about your own needs because you are conditioned to think about our needs first in order to avoid some dreadful repercussion if you do not so. You apply your mind over and over to assessing the situation and trying to gauge how you should respond, what you should do next, what you should organise, how you should look, how you should behave in order to avoid some other abuse.
- Pre-occupation. By making ourselves so central to your existence and the only thing which matters you find that you are always wondering about us. What are we doing right now? Who are we with? What are we doing? This does not necessarily occur just in the devaluation. As the seeds of addiction are sown during the seduction, you find your mind is focused on us more and more. This is the laying of the groundwork to have you forget about your own needs and indeed who you are as the focus of your attention becomes all about us.
- Mirroring. We convince you that you are falling in love with the most wonderful and fantastic person you have ever met. This is achieved by mirroring what you want in the object of your affection. By meeting this need on so many different fronts, you become helpless to falling in love with what you believe us to be.
- Obsessing. By engaging in the vague, the vapid and the amorphous we have you start obsessing over us. Once again the focus moves on to us as you ask yourself what did he mean by that comment? Why is he late? Why did he just do that? You look for clues which are non-existent and seek answers which are not there, reading too much into what are often innocuous scenarios.
- Gas Lighting. The infamous act of causing you to doubt your own reality and is invariably the cumulative effect of many different types of mind game. You end up doubting yourself and accepting our false reality as the true reality instead.
- Jettison. The act of having you think that you are about to be discarded. Comments will be made which suggest that we are dissatisfied with you, that we are tired of you and that we have interests elsewhere. Nothing is said outright, there is nothing concrete, but the signs are there that you are going to be discarded. Aren’t they?
- Jealousy. “But she is just a friend.” “How can I be having an affair when we only meet during daylight.” “You are reading too much into it.” The appearance of somebody who we talk about a lot, spend time with and appear to admire is designed to bring about jealousy in you and undermine your self-confidence.
- Mea Culpa. The complexity and absurdity of our behaviour means that you are unable to fathom out what is actually going on. This results in you needing to find some kind of answer in order to give you piece of mind and therefore since you have no ground to question us, you decide you must be at fault and being to blame yourself. After all, nobody gets furious for no obvious reason do they? You must have done something wrong to provoke us. It is your fault.
- Projection. The intentional movement of our faults and unpleasant behaviours from us to you. The accusation that you engage in the very behaviour which we undertake ourself.
- Character Assassination. The unmerited and savage attack on you, criticising you for any number of things; how you walk, how you talk, your hair colour, who your friends are; how you made the coffee this morning. Anything and everything about you will be attacked even though you cannot see the basis of doing so.
- Blame-Shifting. The defensive step of ensuring that we are never to blame or held accountable. Anything that goes wrong, any incorrect behaviour, any mishap is all down to you. You caused it, you brought it about, you made it happen. Even though you cannot see any factual basis for the accusation that has been flung your way, this will not stop it happening.
- Authoritative Denial. We do not just deny, we deny with such conviction, determination and authority that surely only someone who does this is someone who has to be right, yes?
- Gaseous Smear Campaigns. You are being spoken about, whispered about and slurs cast against your name, at least you think that is the case. You seem to be receiving strange glances and hear snickering when you walk by certain people, but you never hear anything concrete or certain. You might be mis-hearing, you might be mis-reading, it may just be paranoia. Trying to work out if you are being smeared is like trying to catch a gas with your bare hands.
- Silent Treatments. The staple of the narcissistic arsenal. Why is he silent? Why has he vanished? What have you done wrong? When will he speak to me again?
- Double Standards. We are so pleasant and wonderful to everybody else. People speak so highly of us, yet when the front door is closed we turn into a monster with you. Is it real? Perhaps you are taking it out of context and exaggerating or maybe you are doing something which causes this to happen and nobody else does?
- Amnesia. We deny having ever done something or said something even though you are positive, well fairly certain, okay, at least reasonably sure, we did say it. It works both ways as we accuse you of having a faulty memory as we tell you we told you last week we would be going out tonight, why can you not remember these things? Are you doing it in order to annoy us? Of course you are.
- Losing Your Mind. We label you as crazy, unhinged, a maniac who is need of help. Good Lord, everybody thinks it of you and we are a saint for putting up with this behaviour for so long. We tell you often, arrange for you to get help, see a doctor or a therapist and accompany you to explain to them how you are losing your marbles. Are we making all of this up in order to disturb you further, or then again, might you just be losing your mind after enduring all of this?
54 thoughts on “Mind Games – Part One”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it
i really love mind games .. can any tell me what is rules of UNO Online Game and how to play it . its too Hard to play for beginning
That was to you HG 👍
I have two other questions:1. Have you ever had a “fuel” commit suicide because of the insidious abuse and if so did you have any emotional response ?
2. If that has not been your experience (yet), could you project if it did happen, how that would make you feel? I guess I m trying to learn if a narcs “attachment response” is broken are you indifferent to facilitating/causing loss of life due to your avusive behavior?
I m curious, first is that your face/head on the hand in the picture above, secondly do you believe in God as your creator and lastly, it seems you are always working to gain and keep ample supplies to feed your insatiable needs, have you ever experienced a sense of complete peace in your heart and life?
No.
Only when I deem it necessary to achieve my aims.
No.
“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free” John 8:31
Thanks for providing truth to set me free from the pain inflicted into me. It’s nice to know I didn t deserve it.
I ll be praying for you as I believe God is the healer of all brokenness. What you avoid, pain and misery , you inflict on others and lacking peace in your persuit of finding a sense of true value, is missing out on the peace that is found in your creator who loves you and defines your incredible worth ! . Thanks for responding to my inquiries !
And now I get it…..I got there eventually. Now I want to bang my head against the wall also. You’re patience is impressive! Oh and….I’m so very sorry.
Yep. Most of that.
Obvs I’m a bit naive, but what do you truly get from it? How is it enjoyable?
Dita…
I’m not sure if this is what you are asking, as I’m not sure how new you are, and you may want HG to answer…
There are two types of fuel a narcissist likes to get from someone. Positive and negative fuel. Positive often in the beginning of a relationship, and then negative as they devalue you. They usually will get negative fuel from these mind games. They are used to elicit some kind of emotional, possibly upsetting or angry response. Therefore giving the narc some potent fuel. Negative fuel is often the most potent, and makes the narc feel the most powerful.
To learn more, read HG’s book FUEL.
Thanks tiger. I understand the fuel thing, I mean HG on a very personal level, what does this abuse achieve in the bigger scheme of things? When you are alone in the dark are there ever any compassionate thoughts? My ex narc didn’t sleep properly at all I always wondered if he was thinking about all the horrible things he had done to so many
1. The abuse arises because of the narcissism acting as a self-defence mechanism. The abuse is a response to the need to address wounding, to stamp down on challenges, to maintain control and to garner negative fuel.
2. There is no compassion.
Oh boy, this is on the money! 1-4, 8; 9 and 13 – does everything that he ever complained about anyone else doing – every abuse that he complained others visited on him, he did to me; 11 all day long, 14 main go-to mind fuck. Less of 5,6,12, 16; 7 – pre-emptive strike – complaints about other women not allowing “spiritual” activities that might be considered inappropriate in the context of a committed relationship and giving me (himself?) an out by stating that his “definition of cheating” is that if you have needs that are clearly communicated to your partner, and your partner cannot or will not fulfill those needs, then you are within your rights to step out of the relationship and it’s not cheating. So far, have not experienced 10, 13 or 17. It may be going on without my knowledge, and I’m fine with that.
I’m on day 10 of No Contact. I’m not so arrogant to think that my walls are impenetrable, but SO FAR there has been no attempt at hoovering, grand or otherwise. Can’t understand why. Perhaps because he has no car, I left him with no money, and I believe that he has limited resources to look for me 40 miles away? Is it just another mind game to provoke me to believe that I was so worthless as to not warrant pursuit? There was some minor evidence of a potential “other”, but nothing concrete. I beat him to the punch on infiltrating his phone with email and FB account open, but up until shortly before I left him there was nothing to see. Haven’t looked since.
Hello HG,
I have a question about a random social media unblocking.
My ex discarded me months ago, blocked me after a final fight, unblocked me after a month when he noticed I haven’t responded to his blocking in any way and started hoovering me regularly almost every week. Just to play with my emotions and get some attention. After months of responding to him in guite neutral fashion I started ignoring his messages and finally blocked him when I felt I was strong enough to do it without much emotional pain on my part.
I suppose my blocking him wounded him because he immediately blocked me back. It’s been 4 months since I blocked him and heard nothing from him and I thought that my no contact + wounding him + him blocking me back in response ends the game. But a few days ago I noticed he suddenly unblocked me. Of course I keep him blocked and this will never change.
I’m just curious – why this sudden random unblocking? Did he heal the wound and painted me white again after some changes in his fuel matrix and prepares me for some new manipulations hoping I will unblock him too?
It is a passive hoover. There was a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria has been met to allow a passive electronic hoover. He expects you to contact him.
HG, have any of your victims ever played mind games against you? Or tried? I know the goto is GOSO, but maybe before that happened, did some try and get even (not possible) or smart with you? Or do you pick victims that are not capable like that? Just curious really….
Some try. And fail.
Where were you HG like 15-20 years ago when I really needed you? I had to work out a lot of this stuff on my own. It was not easy. But it was you who finally made it all make sense.
You are welcome.
HG, you state: “They are a consequence of his instinctive behaviours, his reactions and pre-determined methodologies”, so with a Lesser Victim Narcissist do his instinctive behaviours get aroused as a method of control?
Yes, they do.
I want to print this out and shove it in his face and tell him – this is all YOU!!!! Look at what you have done to me!!!
He will not care. You will only provide him with fuel. Also, he will respond with mind games. See HG’s previous article. GOSO my friend.
Been hit by most of these. Currently undergoing character assassination. Does not matter. HG set me straight. None of it is true and none of it is directly impacting me. Thus, I pay no mind anymore and do not waste time and energy defending myself from it. Thanks HG!!
You’re welcome
Maybe you should ask your followers to submit some of their own. That would be quite interesting. I remember rolling my eyes at him the other night when I went to a party where he was present. OOOH BOOOY! Because we broke up 18 months ago, I guess he took this as a sign that he was loosing control over me. He is hovering though and I am allowing that, until today that is.
Only 17? Hmmm
Is there really a part two? Are there really more vicious mind games in your arsenal?
No Part Two, but there is a Part Three. Or am I messing with your mind PHJ?
My mind is bulletproof.
Pascalehealingjourney….
Oh trust me, this is nothing when it comes to mind games. Think of it like a chess board and the narcissist can look at that board (which is you) and make all kinds of moves, with whatever piece he wants. He can select and do whatever damage as and when he sees fit. But he does have to know you well to be able to do this. When they know how you tick, and know how you respond to certain things and situations, they know your makeup well, and what things annoy, anger, upset you etc. They store all this knowledge for later use to use against you at certain appropriate times. If they always seem like they are scheming and planning, that’s because they are. They never stop. We just don’t notice it to begin with because we are too busy loving them.
tigerchelle78, I subscribe every word you wrote. But I think, it is a little bit too depressive. As long as you do not know that you are in a chess game you loose figure by figure. When you realise how he ticks and that you are only an enemy or a figure in his world of games then you can play chess with him too. And the first thing you have to do is to know your enemy very well. HG provides this information. The second and very important thing is to know yourself as well as him. Where are your weak points? Where can he hurt you? And in which points do you always loose control about your feelings? And then close those doors !
It is not only important for private relationships, it is very important too for work situations.
You cannot avoid these kind of people everywhere, you have to find methods to recognise them and to cope with them.
I am so proud today, because we got a new manager at work a few months ago and I smelled his true nature very fast. Yesterday he showed his dark nature the first time in public- and nearly everyone was surprised and a little bit shocked. Not me!
Well, I am and I was prepared for his mind games.Therefore I did not give him any useful information about me and I am not willed to do that. He will cause a lot of destruction and anger nevertheless- but I do not allow him to do that on my costs. He is doing a favor for me here and there. It is done to buy me. And I let him believe he really does. He cannot. I do not like to play that game but I cannot change him and his character. I have to play that game until he leaves the company. I hope that I do not have to wait very long.
I understand Mona. I have had to learn many things the hard way, and through much pain.
Sometimes I deliberately play into the narcs hands, (which yes is sometimes dangerous). I will let them “think” I don’t know what they are doing and pretend to be completely oblivious.
Many times I’ve gone along, knowing full well what they are trying to achieve, and I let them underestimate me. Which most do I have to say!
Many people say, you shouldn’t play such dangerous games, but then I’ve always loved playing with fire! It’s the pyromaniac in me!!!
Mona, good for you, there is something remarkably satisfying about watching and observing a character, knowing exactly what their game is.
Sometimes though people can surprise you! It depends how complex they are. There are different sides to every person. It’s only until you have pretty much seen all those sides that you can really know that person. But HG’s expertise, experience and knowledge certainly helps us in this regard.
Tigerchelle,
That’s true. We also don’t notice it because we are not that way. We aren’t always scheming and planning how to manipulate people, so we don’t expect it in others. I think the opposite is true with most narcissists. Since they are always scheming, they assume everyone else is, too.
Spot on Windstorm. And the evidence is through their projections. “I’m scheming. Therefore you are as well.”
Though when you have been around narcs long enough you start to take on their ways. You don’t want to, but you find yourself trying to compete with them….to stay ahead or a step in front of them….
I know only too well unfortunately. Although I think HG is on another level of deviousness.
tigerchelle78
It is like that song One Night in Bangkok, from the musical Chess.
And thank God I’m only watching the game controlling it
I don’t see you guys rating
The kind of mate I’m contemplating
I’d let you watch, I would invite you
But the queens we use would not excite you
K
I always loved that song, too!
I’ve not heard of this song K….but thanks
K
I always loved “One Night in Bangkok!” My Pretzel MnM followed all the major chess games closely and this song always reminded me of him.
But not when Mike Tyson sings it!
Mike Tyson! Did he sing it? Can’t really imagine that and don’t think I want to!
Yes in the Hangover 2.
I’ll put that one on my “Never Watch” list.
The film is entertaining enough, just fast forward when Mike appears on stage!
I am going to YouTube it.
Windstorm
Here it is. I sat there like WTH the first time i saw this.
https://youtu.be/pvzLd26qSLc
That was terrible Twilight and WS.
Good Lord K! Thank you but no thank you.
MB
Ha ha ha…it was God awful!
MT should stick to boxing! Acting isn’t his thing either.
You are welcome to that little bit of god awful.
I am going back to my corner in the back of this class
WS
It is a great song and I think of the dynamic every time I hear it.