5 Myths About The Narcissist
I always read views propounded about me and my kind, with considerable interest. I see many intelligent and well-reasoned observations about what we do and why we do it. Many carry considerable force. Other views are purely driven by the understandable anger and hurt that is engendered in people by us, although as I have repeatedly sought to explain, when one operates through emotion, poor decisions are made and the clear picture is not observed. I also come across comments which are made about us which are inaccurate. I am not referring to the disagreement one might have in terms of an ad hominem attack against us. Many people consider us to be arseholes and bastards. I understand that viewpoint, many of my kind would disagree, but it is not that kind of value judgement that makes its way to becoming a myth about us. There are other more important misconceptions. As part of my ongoing work in explaining what we are, why we do what we do and your involvement in this narcissistic dynamic, it is just as important to explain what we are as detail what we are not. With that purpose in mind, I turn to five myths about our kind.
- We have no emotions
This view has gained some traction owing to the fact that my kind function with a considerable emptiness inside of us. The existence of this void can cause people to believe that because we are a shell and a husk that we are devoid of emotions. The fact that we feed off other people’s emotions also supports the view that we have none of our own. We need to steal the emotions that other people experience to enable us to feel.
The fact is that we do experience and feel certain emotions. We experience annoyance, anger and rage. Indeed, the churning fury which is always there beneath the surface, ready to be ignited, is a prevailing emotion of ours. We know boredom, disgust and loathing. We are very familiar with jealousy, envy, shame and hatred. Malice, malevolence, anticipation, contempt, aggression and power are further ones. Our stable of emotions is dominated by negative emotions. These are the ones which have been allowed to develop and that is because the force behind these emotions has been harnessed to allow us to achieve our aims. Our hatred for being devoid of fuel, drives us on to extract it. Our disgust at weakness causes us to always want to maintain superiority and strength. It is these emotions which make us effective and ruthless.
By contrast we do not experience joy or happiness, sadness or regret, serenity or love, remorse or guilt. These are alien to us along with others. We either have never known them or they have been stripped from us in order to allow us to operate with greater effectiveness, free from encumbrance and hindrance. We understand emotions because we want yours directed towards us. We understand how to mimic them and we understand when they should be exhibited (although some of our kind are better at this than others) but ultimately we do experience some emotions, just nowhere near as much as you.
- Copying us infuriates us
No it does not. If we are angry with you and shouting, if you decide to mirror this behaviour, all you are doing is providing us with fuel. If you parrot what we say to you, if there is any emotion attached to it, even if it is said with sarcasm, a sneer or contempt, it is fuel. If you decide to fall silent because we have, we may realise that the silent treatment is not reaping the fuel that we expected, but it does not infuriate us. Instead, we will just switch to a different form of manipulation in order to cause you to provide us with fuel. You find it hard after a while to keep mirroring what we are doing, your emotional capacity is such that it usually breaks through in some form and thus fuel is provided. We also recognise what you are doing and if you are giving us fuel, we will let you continue to mirror us. If you are not, your mirroring is not a criticism therefore there is no wounding, but we will shift to a different behaviour to bring forth the fuel.
- We miss you when you are gone
No, we miss your fuel, not you. That is what we miss most of all. We may also miss the traits that we were able to steal from you and also the residual benefits that you provided. It is something that victims of our kind find very difficult to accept. Surely some of what we said and did was genuine? It seemed that way, so surely it must have been? It must be the case that we liked somethings that you did? We did; the fuel, the traits and the residual benefits. We did not care about whether you were humorous, save that your sense of humour was appropriated by us for the purpose of making us seem better with other people. The radiant smile is only missed because it gave us fuel. Your extensive knowledge about wine was again another trait which made us look better.
Not only is it only these things that we miss when you are gone, the simple fact remains that if we discarded you, we decided that you were no longer worth the effort in keeping around and in most cases, we had identified and seduced a replacement. With this person in place, we focus on them, only turning to you to dole out Malign Follow-Up Hoovers (or Benign ones later when the replacement begins to turn stale). There is little doubt that you loved us with everything that you had, that you thought the world of us and nobody could have done for us what you did, but that is all from your perspective. Once we have discarded you, that all counts for nothing. You became a malfunctioning appliance and you have been replaced. We miss nothing about you.
If you escape, we will miss the three items that I detailed above and indeed we will look to recover them through the Initial Grand Hoover and Follow-Up Hoovers but do not think that our protestations of being unable to live without you, how we cannot imagine another day with you and we miss you so much, have anything to do with you as a person. They do not. We are unable to live without your fuel, we cannot imagine another day without using your traits and miss your residual benefits so much. All of these declarations, pleas, begging gestures and so forth are only designed to recover the three principle reasons we attach you. You can tell yourself that we miss you terribly if it makes you feel better but you are misleading yourself.
- We hate being alone
We need people. There is no doubt about that. We need people because we need the three principle benefits, chief amongst which is fuel, but that is not the same as saying we hate to be alone. In this instance, there is a degree of truth in the above statement but it requires considerable qualification. If we have been well-fueled we are able to be alone, engage in solitary activities and spend time in our own company without difficulty. Of course, the longer this goes on, eventually our fuel level drops and we will need to seek out people, but we do not hate being alone in such a situation.
Furthermore, the advantages of technology mean that although we may not be physically proximate to somebody, the advantages of Skype, text messages, telephone calls and even hand-written letters allows us to be on our own but in contact with many fuel sources. Add to this Thought Fuel and you have a situation whereby we can be physically isolated but with such connections we can manage perfectly well extracting all of these variable fuel types.
Remove such connections however and in a situation when our fuel levels are already low and we are physically isolated with no means of contacting people and that is when you shall see that we hate to be alone.
- We have a conscience
We do not. We think only of ourselves, our needs and how each situation can benefit us. We may appear to exhibit a conscience in order to con people and this is something more witnessed with the Mid-Range and Greater Narcissist, in order to fit in to a situation and people’s expectations but we have been created without a need for a conscience. If we had one, we would not be able to trample on people in the way we do. We would not be able to always be moving forward, never caring for what has gone before us. If ever you witness a situation where one of our kind appears to have had our conscience pricked, all it means is that we see an advantage in pretending that this is the case and we wish to dupe you and others for our own benefit.
18 thoughts on “5 Myths About The Narcissist”
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Narc-2 tried to get aggressive with me after i was too busy to talk to him. He told me he wanted to “punch me in the heart” right out of left-field with only his foot in the door. He went from being better at showing self-awareness than Narc-1, to being far more impulsively aggressive. I ignored him, so he sent me a screen shot of him blocking me. This is exactly what narc-1 did when i was emotional big post-discard (no.1), and criticised him (he hoovered again later ofc). Narc-2 then sent me a pushy question about myself, a day later.
I now have 2 narcs blocked on my phone.
But! problem, that means they stay on my phone on the blocked list. Bummer.
Mr. Tudor Why is it all NEGATIVE? You feel emotions? But it is Negative. What happens if you do not get fuel? Do you have withdraws? You are missing a humanity switch? Why are you here in this world? WHAT IS THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR LIFE BUILT ON ? Please Share ? Thank you HG for being real and sharing…AS we need to know this stuff, that is NOT being told to US…
Hi Super, I concur. I got a fix from my ex-relationship, symbiotic relationship lol. I don’t know why I was so blind. I hope someday I’ll have some answers. I’m not dumb but when it came to ex, I was blind and dumb.
These are good reminders of the reality we are all dealing with here.
Maybe I’m over the worst of the withdrawals but today I’m just finding the entire thing hilarious and worthy of a good laugh. I mean, seriously, I thought there was something real going on with this guy? I thought he cared about me and wanted me? I thought I knew the real him? Pssssshhh, what was I thinking?!?
SMH…I’m saying all this somewhat sarcastically obviously. I DID think there was something real, and that he cared for me and was aroused by me, and that I knew him deeply, and him me. But I’m also just laughing at how I always knew something was wrong with him but couldn’t put my finger on it, always knew it would end badly but ignored that instinct, always knew I wasn’t a real person to him but pushed that knowledge aside so I could continue to get my fix.
I can laugh at all this and just move on…for today. And be ever thankful I was never IPPS.
So relate to your post supernova!!! That ‘can’t quite put a finger on it’. But you know. You know.
Addicted to crack cocaine! He’s bad, you know it, you flirt with it all the while knowing it. But you can’t help yourself.
Laughing about it now is good, good medicine and actually a true sign you’re on the up!! You broke those shackles!!! :))
I have recently read a lot of my posts like this over the year. I like to go over previous comments from the same blog post.
At this stage last year he had just started to hoover me after 7 months NC! I can see my strength in the posts then.
Fast forward to now, after 6 months of hoovers with a break now of 2 months since he has a new IPPS. I feel slightly more fragile than before. I really have fought with everything I have inside me to remain no contact.
I’m not looking back anymore. It’s weird. I can see my journey on here in the comments. I never expected that at all!
Presque Vu
It’s interesting you say that because I thought that was the good thing about going back- you can see progression and growth. On the flip side, if you’re slipping into old thoughts and habits you can look back to see where you were previously and identify where your strength was coming from then and reinforce that you were once at that point and can get back there again. I’m not looking for you to answer me, but what has changed from then until now?
SDE I could have written these exact same words. It still hurts and yet I’ve always known at some level there was something not right about him or the ‘relationship’ that never was. That’s why I was happy to keep it secret as I was somehow ashamed or feared making a fool of myself or knew being an IPPS would have been dreadful.
When we begin to acknowledge our part in allowing this to happen is when we begin to learn about and can change ourselves. I worked with him for 18 yrs and didn’t see it until the disengagement. I still miss what I thought he was. But I recognise I allowed that false person to be built in my head. I separate myself from it not because I hate him but because I know it’s best for me. Like a drug addict. For my healing. I do it because I have to because I’m strong because I deserve better.
You are strong Em, I have read many of your posts and I have seen this strength in your words and perspective. Sometimes feeling strong can fluctuate, but the core of you – what makes you who you are is strong through living, experiencing and coming through to the other side. You most certainly deserve better..
The knowing in yourself of your value, that you are enough, because you are! X
Thank you QuAsi I’m battling through!
I had greywalled him and was doing well with this method. Now Hes trying to get my attention at work in the most devious way so that I have to reprimand him for his behaviour toward one of my employees. My boss fortunately has said she will deal when I explained. Mad that I had to explain but grateful another sister understood.
It brought it all flooding back but I’m back in control.
Yes I’m going for better, much better.
Thank you for your words of support x
Wow, I finally understand the contradiction. In the beginning of our relationship my ex husband (and narcisisst) couldn’t be alone. The longer we were together, the better he could be alone. Now it makes sense. Because I provided all the fuel he needed. I was so good at it. He didn’t need anybody else besides me. Getting better and better over all the years until I couldn’t take it anymore. My throat is tightening when I think about it. I felt totally smothered and he was happy.
Do they not remember the traits to use?
All this is based around fuel. Adamant that will always be everything to you as that is how you have developed and all you have ever known and your teachings built on those experiences.
Got it
However that’s what you do know I will say again but what about what you don’t know.
All you know about non fuel is the short duration you have been without it and how wretched it makes you feel and how you feel you can’t operate without it.
What you don’t know and no-one else does is how you will feel long term without it.
Yes old lesser narcs will deteriorate and probably commit suicide or die of alcoholism or drugs.
However there is that chinque of wonder that a greater openly taking this challenge with a strong support structure may find a path through.
Maybe just maybe after a vile period of feeling like your going to die maybe something might happen.
Maybe there will be a death. The death of the Narc.
But maybe whilst dying you will realise your not. something inside is still living and breathing, something that yet can’t feel emotions because your obsessive scourge for fuel does not let those emotions emerge.
A narc lies to himself, convincing himself he cannot feel, the Narc is not really you he is false.
The real you is still crying inside you waiting to be acknowledged.
How do you get past the lies and the ego you need to nourish with fuel.
First thing that needs to go, to find that light inside you,is your ego.
Tell everyone and burn the ego.
You can live happily without being superior and winning. People love an underdog.
The old saying goes if at first you don’t succeed at least you keep all your friends.
However we could ask why is what people think and why is bettering another so important?
A human is mere pathetic mortal why gain fuel from humans. Gain fuel from the spirit and light inside which you might call your soul.
But soul is not in the Narc it’s in the real you. find you and you reach your soul.
Without fuel some people may bully you or ridicule you or take advantage of you, does it matter? so they win their little victories, so what? you are at peace you don’t care you can turn your attention to more beautiful things you enjoy.
You will however, without your strength from fuel, you may feel weak but you will realise that many people that count will still have the same respect for you, your feeling of weakness is again the Narc lieing to you.
The weak state you think your In won’t change anything. Your gifts and talents will still be there your abilities your social skills etiquette and knowledge will still be there but it will come from the light within.
Maybe just maybe although you can’t imagine it, may be when you have abstained you will realise in that void nothing fearful exists but you have to take that step. Maybe when that mind deception, obsession with fuel is broken you will realise that you only need your spirit inside to be the person you are meant to be.
Sometimes that person will be weak sometimes strong sometimes happy sometimes sad but you will be yourself.
I think you just have to step over the delusion threshold and then maybe just maybe a metamorphosis may happen.
Maybe out of your narc mind delusion that some might say is the devil taking your spirit hostage, maybe free from that delusion you might find that your spirit emerged and with that the ability to open up to true emotions.
Were normal people born with emotions of love and empathy or were they learnt?
Either way if you were born with them they are still there but have been put to sleep, perhaps when you realise happiness can be achieved without fuel those emotions will wake up.
If they are learnt then your are never too old to learn when your mind clear of fuel addiction. When you find you go without fuel and your still with us and still finding happiness maybe only then you will view people from a different prospective and then start to consider what true feelings are and what makes them grow inside.
Maybe just maybe when the fuel matrex is destroyed something far more beautiful and interesting will awaken. Something that can bring a special peace and freedom to make you use those amazing writing talents in a far more diverse way.
Fuel obsession is boring it makes you live your life in chains predictable and caught in a wheel. your boredom is not from others but from yourself. Maybe if you succeed when you face the lieing demon you will find life far more interesting savouring every special moment even the negative moments as they are to learn. Savouring instead of living in torturous hardship whirling the cogs of your fuel machine.
There’s many dark nights to battle in your starvation before you find the light but Maybe amazing things will come to you then.
It’s a leap of faith, trust in your true self or god Maybe. you have perfect wiring it’s just your minds lie that is twisting it.
I’m only talking to you HG I don’t want to get into debates because I know my thoughts are so different from everyone else. Maybe because they are from a spiritual level.
I don’t really have time to write these long letters and I apologise I don’t have time to make them perfectly written grammatically or with perfect punctuation and spelling it’s all done in a rush but deep from my heart. I don’t know why I spend time I don’t have writing these long letters
but still I do and I don’t know why something drives me.
You may say your happy with what and who you are but I think you know that you could be happier and maybe just maybe you can if you step through the shadow of the valley of death and make the Narc die. The real you may then come alive wouldn’t you like to meet him I bet he’s awesome.
I wish you all the best anyway HG and thank you so much for the great job you do.
HG, a midrange N who doesn’t know what he/she is, may very well be convinced that his/her need for fuel is indeed pure love for his/her IPPS and believe he/she cannot live without the IPPS. Of course, he/she will say things like “I could not live without you anymore” to unconsciously manipulate and exploit the empathic traits of the IPPS , but there is a part of the N that is convinced of this. Of course this should not be a concern for the IPPS because the N will survive if the IPPS leaves. Correct?
The fact that she is going to be, for every one who knows the MRN, the heartless bitch who left him and broke his heart should not be a concern for the IPPS neither because, oh well, better be a heartless bitch than a MRN IPPS. Correct?
🤔😉
Correct.
Hi HG. May I ask what prompted you to seek therapy?
PLease see the About section.
I can’t decide which of these statements are sadder,
“we do not experience joy or happiness, sadness or regret, serenity or love, remorse or guilt. “
Or
“We miss nothing about you.”