The Final Discard

THE FINAL

“He told me he never wanted to see me again so long as he was alive. That is it. This time it  really is over.”

“She told me I was useless, pathetic, that she hated me and she would call the police if I came near her again. I don’t understand what is going on, but all I know that is the absolute end.”

“He made it clear that there is no future for us, that he cannot stand the sight of me and that he wants me packed and gone by morning. This is it. It really is it, this time.”

“She has taken everything and left me a letter explaining that she cannot do it any more, that she needs to find herself, whatever that means and there is no future for us together. I knew this was coming, I could tell, I have been given the final discard.”

The final discard. The curtain of conclusion. The guillotine of totality.

It really is over.

So often victims of our kind distinguish between being discarded and then there is (await dramatic music) the FINAL discard. There is being kicked to one side by us but the prospect of being hoovered back in and then there is the final discard whereby you have been removed from your association with us and it is the end of the entanglement and there will be no more engagement between you and I.

Victims often consider declaring that this time is the final discard and they do this for two reasons, which, interestingly are conflicting.

The first reason is that they desperately hope that it is not the final discard at all and that when they explain to whoever is listening to them recount the minute my minute dynamic of this final discard, that the person will tell them that it is not. The victim is hoping that the listener will provide some cogent reason, some piece of evidence which will explain that it cannot be the final discard and thus fulfil that which blazes at the heart of all empathic individuals; hope.

The victim does not want the entanglement to end. He or she cannot bear the pain. They do not want this to be their exile, their abandonment or their expulsion. They want to remain with us but fear that this time it really is the end and they are crying out for somebody to tell them that it is not, just so they can cling to a hope.

The second reason is because the victim does indeed hope that it is over so they are freed from our monstrous clutches. They want that to be the end. The victim, either at the time or sometime after this final discard, having gained some knowledge and understanding, ascertains that what they did caused significant wounding (although often they are wrong about that) and that this wounding was to such a degree that it sent us packing with our tail between our legs, skulking away, broken, humiliated and shame pouring from us, so that we will never, ever dare risk returning to you. The victim concludes that what they did has sent us packing and we will not darken their doorstep or inbox again. It is an understandable conclusion to reach.

There is no such thing as a final discard.

There is no such thing as a discard.

There is only ever dis-engagement.

This is because in our minds you belong to us and the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until you die or we die. That is only when finality applies to our connection. You are our property. You are our fuelling appliance. You are good and then you are bad. You are of use and then you are of no use. And then you are of use again.

We have invested time and energy in you. We want to reap the benefits time and time again.

If you are our primary source, we will dis-engage with you. We paint you black and do not want anything more to do with you at that time. It may appear as if we have ‘discarded’ you, but it is merely the termination of the Formal Relationship. You are not our girlfriend, partner, wife any longer. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. We do not draw fuel from you, we do not take your character traits, we do not take your residual benefits. You are deleted as we enter a golden period with a new primary source.

If you are an intimate secondary source, we will dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf, back in the cupboard, ready for the next time we want to engage with you. You are not deleted. You are just not required. For now. There is no discard. You usually are not devalued. If you are, then you have offended us and there will be a dis-engagement and a termination of the Formal Relationship of booty call, friend with benefits, shag partner.

If you are a non-intimate secondary source, we dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf again until the next time we wish to engage with you. Most NISSs do not notice this happen because they regard it as a natural lull in between meeting up, speaking and so forth. Again, it is rare for the NISS to be devalued, but if you are, then you have offended us and the Formal Relationship is terminated. You are no longer our friend.

If you are a tertiary source be it intimate or non-intimate, you will be put to one side as we dis-engage. There is no Formal Relationship to terminate. We may return to you or we may not. It depends on our fuel needs.

Thus, you need to understand that there is only ever a dis-engagement. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. If there is no devaluation, we consider the Formal Relationship to remain in place – thus you remain our booty call, our friend – but we have no need to call on you at the present time. If there is devaluation, then the Formal Relationship is over – you are no longer our wife, you are not our boyfriend, you are not the friend or friend with benefits and we dis-engage.

It is usually us who decide on this dis-engagement. Whether there is devaluation and dis-engagement or just dis-engagement, it is invariably us that makes this decision. If you reject us then it is an escape and of course we will endeavour to hold on to you.

What though of the situation where you have actually wounded us considerably, either as we dis-engaged or more likely, when you make your escape? Surely that brings about finality? That must mean we do not want to engage with you any longer because you have mortally wounded us and as a consequence if you did this as we dis-engaged with you, then we will never return yes? If you did it as part of the escape you implemented, then is it not correct to state that we will not hoover you?

No.

As mentioned many times, there is always a risk that we will come back and hoover you. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger activated by you entering a sphere of influence. Thereafter, the Hoover Execution Criteria has to be achieved. This includes various matters to balance, some increasing the risk of meeting the criteria, others diminishing that risk.

This includes

  • the type of narcissist you are dealing with
  • how your fuel was regarded
  • whether you provided character traits
  • whether you provided residual benefits
  • whether you are with somebody new
  • whether you have recovered from a position of being broken or not
  • how easy it is to contact you
  • how easy it is to make physical contact with you
  • whether we know you have been lamenting our dis-engagement
  • whether you have been angry about our dis-engagement
  • whether there are outstanding issues – money, property etc
  • whether there are obstacles
  • whether there is a risk of wounding

Thus you can see the savage wounding you may have inflicted on the last occasion we interacted is but a consideration in the criteria. Yes, it may well be an important consideration when viewed against the other criteria but it will not itself amount to a final discard.

No matter how damning we were about you, how we may well have used words such as “never”, “do not”, “forever” or “always”, we are pragmatists. It is the practical need of fuel which governs all that we do. Contradiction and hypocrisy do not concern us. We can perform a 180 degree turn, a volte face or a complete turnaround and it matters not. Those were yesterday’s words.

We do not discard.

We will always come back IF the Hoover Trigger is activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.

There is no final discard.

And that is my final word on the matter.

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46 thoughts on “The Final Discard”

  1. Well, after I saw mine- and he ‘accidentally’ showed me a text from “Jenny the stewardess’– and made a face. I said “No problem, we do not have a monogamous or serious relationship anyway. You can see who you want just as I can” I smiled and went on with the weekend.
    He has NOT called, and this is past his time, HG told me I had offered revenge fuel and enraged him with talk about other men! Ladies, best tip ever- smile, let him know what you know- smile, look fantastic if you still have to see him (for whatever reason) — look amazing, be amazing, do not drivel— it makes them crazy!!!!

  2. I am new here and after reading several blog entries I am trying to understand why discard a person that gives you great fuel ? It says everywhere that they need constant fuel and variety so why even get rid of someone if they will just hoover them back in eventually ? Seems much less energy would be used if they just kept them . I guess I just don’t understand all of this just yet but knowledge is power . I read here dis engagement , but all other sites say discard one seems to have finality as the other sounds like “ we were on a break “ mine has blocked me and left my life without one single word. He is married and I believe I was an IPSS for almost 5 years . Sad that I even got in that situation ( he said he was separated and divorcing ) by the time he said they were reconciling I was so head over heels I coukdnt let him go so I put up with being the other woman . He has came and went many times each time saying he didn’t want to hurt his family anymore he’d be gone for a couple weeks, then a month then 3 months only to messsge me and say he was wrong to end it and he missed me so I’d accept him back into my life again . This is the first time he has vanished with no explanation , blocked me so I have no way to contact him . I’m glad I stumbled on this website as it has helped but also confused me even more . I feel for everyone on here , I know your pain , your gut wrenching pain

    1. Hello and welcome, please see the articles about disengagement, (search for them using the search function) and they will explain what brings about disengagement (discard although I do not like the word).

  3. hi 🙂
    what about a narc that dis engages with an empath? after i found out he cheated
    we were married 19 years,
    his life is falling apart hes living in his car, claimng hes depressed (he isnt its manipulation) im been offered his managerial position (we work together)
    no one trusts him
    his reputation is in tatters
    im not destroying him hes doing that himself, but im not stopping it from happening, i thought i was a co dependant empath, then i though i was a narcissist myself!!
    his life would be easier if he came home but i dont want him here
    its suspected he has another source
    i feel like hes really done if hes living this life?
    we have 2 children contact is limited to them, not seeing him in person just phone contact
    i want to move on but feel like i am his property and then reading they always come back is leaving me with rocks in my stomach 🙁
    any insight would be appreciated

    1. This is a matter which requires more detail and a detailed response and therefore is better suited to consultation.

  4. I think Narcy is angry i’m not single, and he still has Healthcliff drama about proving he’s not a total loser.

    But, subconciously insecure-avoidant, with outward grandiose bitter-hostilty.

  5. I really thought the last Final Dicard with narc-1 was IT. For sure. Oh no, a month later it called me, something it never ever does. I didn’t pick-up. I did sent a msg later saying i was out of town (true), and didn’t get a reply.

    Narcy also wanted me to know that he’s been traveling through the land of my birthplace. He really is weird.

  6. RG
    You are an IPSS (intimate partners rank high in proximity of supply, see Fuel for more info) and when he found out about the other men he perceived this as a threat/criticism to his control and this ignited his heated fury so he painted you black and devalued you (verbal abuse). You have NOT been discarded. The narcissist disengages with secondary sources by:

    1. Shelving them.
    2. Or by a Dis -Enagement Devaluation.
    3. The narcissist may also issue a Corrective Devaluation.

    I can’t ascertain if you received a CD or a DD, however, even if he has ended the formal relationship, the narcissistic relationship persists and does so forever. There is always the chance you will be hoovered.

    CDs apply to secondary sources and this article explains them very well.
    https://narcsite.com/2018/06/17/why-does-the-narcissist-blow-hot-and-cold-part-two-5/

    To read more about hoovers check out this article.
    https://narcsite.com/2017/08/28/the-spheres-of-influence-2/

    All somatic narcs think they are sex gods. Albeit, some are and some are not.

    1. K – you are amazing!.. so helpful and kind, your responses to people not only answer questions but lead to further learning which increases overall understanding… I enjoy reading your posts and learning from you, very much so. Qx

      1. Thank you, Quasi!
        After reading your post, I felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

        Some of the comments are heartbreaking to read and people need help/answers fast so they can learn exactly what they are dealing with and GOSO, and the haze of narcissistic abuse can make it difficult for people to understand, so I try to be as clear and accurate as possible and direct them to relevant articles.

        Understanding is the key to freedom. Kx

      2. It is for that very reason that you are so important here K … you can read a post and feel what is behind the words, sometimes unspoken yet the need is very clear.
        I think it is very important that when we observe these acts of kindness, we acknowledge it.
        Qx

      3. Awwww…shucks, Quasi, (blush) thank you for your kind words! Many people, especially empaths, share an unspoken language that allows us to address the needs of others and help out if we can, and that is a very valuable gift, indeed.
        Kx

    2. K!!
      Thank you so much for your response!
      Really needed to read something back – some help.
      He has got back in contact but only to verbally pummel me. It has left me a mess! There are threats to expose me for being a slut, cunt, dirty whore to my young children.
      I am terrified of this man.
      He saw me coming for sure! My husband and best friend of 18 years suffered a severe brain injury almost 3 years ago he was only 34!
      The Narc came into my life 6 months ago and blinded me with ‘love’ and attention within two months I started to see him less and less, weekly turned into twice a month then once a month but he’d make sure my interest in him stayed alive by messaging everyday. He’d play hot and cold with his text but they were everyday…
      On first visiting my house he wanted to see every room which I found really strange but obliged… I now think he must have wanted this to ascertain whether I’d be a good financial gain… a home to use and abuse?!

      He spent hours calling me filthy names for then filping into ‘I can see you Friday if you are free’
      A few caring texts followed and then back to rage and destruction! I feel like I cannot block because of the threats he is making.
      My children and I have been through enough with our sad loss.
      I feel scared and alone

      1. You are welcome, RG!
        I could sense that you needed help in your comment and I am here for you. Don’t worry, you are safe here and everything will be ok.

        Ignore all his threats, including the one to smear you in front of the children, and do NOT allow him access to you or your children and cut off all contact with him. Block him: phone, FB, e-mail, etc. The article below is short and will help understand what you need to do.

        https://narcsite.com/2018/05/30/the-golden-rules-of-freedom-no-1-2/

        It looks like you are a DLS and I think he is still engaged but you can escape.

        Type The Golden Rules of Freedom in the search bar and read the other four when you have a chance.

        I am very, very sorry about your husband; it was heartbreaking to read about your loss. Narcissists know how and when to prey on your vulnerabilities very well.

        P.S.
        He owns you, your children, your home and all your assets.

        https://narcsite.com/2018/05/05/own-6/

    3. K – looking at ‘what I am to him’ I seem to fit better in DLS… I knew nothing of his life, friends, family, work etc. I only knew his physical appearance and that he lives in Bedfordshire (dating app I met him on gave the location)
      Pressing him on answers as to why I couldn’t meet him in his home town lead to gaslighting and stonewalling…
      He later explained it was awkward because he lived with his ‘ex’ and they respected each other enough to not flaunt new partners in front of one another. Utter BS!!

      1. Thank you so very much K xx
        I’m half the size of myself as I don’t/can’t eat when I’m stressed (I’m a very slight person anyway) I have gone NC from last night. I exported his threats into my email but have deleted and blocked his no. the only way I had contact of him ( no email or social media – I don’t even think I had his real name, what an utter fool I feel)

        Feel broken and shamed that I fell for such I lie. And doubly disgusted in myself that I’ve allowed such vermin to emotionally break me! I’m a youngish mother with three adorable children and we are already going through what no young family should. My emotions should be all about my care for them not dominanted by a monstrous parasite.

        I really hope I never hear from him again, and I hope I’m strong enough to never give into the hoovers as I have been doing.

        R x

      2. You are welcome, RG
        Ok, good job on blocking him! You are NOT an utter fool and it’s not unusual for victims not to know their narcissist’s real name.

        You were targeted and none of this was your fault. You are completely blameless and many of us here fell for a lie (I did) and there is no reason to feel shame. Anyone can be ensnared by a narcissist. Focus on taking care of yourself, your children and moving forward.

        When you have a chance read these two articles:

        https://narcsite.com/2017/04/21/the-30-truths-to-the-wrong-focus-2/

        https://narcsite.com/2018/04/28/5-common-no-contact-mistakes-no-2/

        There is a total of five No contact mistakes and you should read them all when you get a chance. Just type: No Contact Mistakes in the search bar to pull them up.

        You and your family deserve better than this and you will feel much better as you replace your emotional thinking with logic.

        Please, keep reading and keep posting! There are many good people on this site and we are all here for you.

        K x

  7. I very gradually weaned both myself and my narc off of the relationship. Less time together, I had a roommate move in to stop the inundation of unexpected visits; and when his college-age son and girlfriend came to town to visit him for 3 weeks, I ended the relationship and refused to make any plans with them. This worked for a few weeks, I had peace. But one day, he showed up at my house unexpectedly with both of his kids (also a 10-year old daughter)….I like his kids, it was clearly a shameless manipulation, and I was shocked that he use his kids as tools in such a way. Of course, I received love-bombing texts that night.

    The next day was Father’s Day; when he returned, I drove to his house and yelled at him for coming, saying it was manipulative, that he was clearly a narcissist, a pathological liar, a misogynistic mental peon, and above all, an abuser—all loud enough, though we were outside—that his son could hear. It is not my normal approach to situations, but I felt that if his son supported the relationship being over, that could only help my case.
    He had refused to close a business-related, small impact IG account we had recently started together when I was thinking i might help him with a product he makes. He never came up with a contract so the site stood still, and finally, after asking for over a month for him to remove me or close it, I posted screenshots of 30-40 pretty damning texts of his crazy-making, abusive, self-proclaimed triangulation, diminishment and emotional abuse, from the course of 1.5 years, interspersed with my texts asking to be removed from the account, or to please take it down. Also not my favorite moment, but it was effective in that he shut down the account that day, closing the last cyber opening for him to hoover me.

    I saw his face that last night—it was different than I’d ever seen it, furious, very cold, and when he had grabbed me, I slapped that face so hard it hurt my hand. I feel that I have effectively closed the door, convinced him that there is no fuel left, never will be, and that if nothing else, his son and friends who may have seen the texts would never let him pursue me again, for risk of seeming like he’s chasing after a crazy person. Again, not my preferred way to end a situation, but I was desperate to stop the cycle, since clearly the high road would never truly set me free. Narcs care more about how they are perceived, than about the people with which they are involved. I believe these methods were effective, though I had to suffer self-degradation to do it. But it was calculated.

    I actually believe, this was a FINAL DISCARD. It was my orchestration, to push for complete and forever disengagement.

    But I am curious what you would say to that.

  8. Sir, a thought or two this bright sunny morning. You did a piece call Daddy Issues a while back , which still haunts me BTW. There have been many narcissists in my life, like double digits, and when I think of them, most had mommy issues. Even the females. Is that the case with most?
    As an appendage to that thought, I’ve know a couple of pedophiles as well, when I was young. One is in prison now as a serial rapist. Obviously I dont have the perspective because of my age when I knew them. I think they both had mommy issues as well. Were they narcissists? Are pedophiles narcissistic ? Seems like that would be the case. I know they’re seriously messed up. The serial rapist is my cousin, got me when I was 5. He raped our grandmother 10 yrs later. I believe his mother, my aunt, had been molesting him. So I think that’s why he did it, because grandmother knew and didn’t protect him. I’ve always been leery of him showing back up in my life. What are your thoughts? Thank you! I appreciate having someone to ask, since my family won’t talk about it.

  9. Tonight clinched it for me…I’ve been off and on with the same narc for over 14 years, the most recent period being for the last 4 years. Each time we were together, he convinced me he was single (silly me). Ironically, he ‘magically reappeared’ most recently awhile I was in the mist of a divorce.

    5 days ago, I would have answered tonight’s texts (after the only contact from mind-f in the last 11 days being an email 3 days ago, which only said that we were done and to leave him alone) like a little lost puppy who found its owner. 11 days ago he went silent when I text him that his ‘ex’ (most likely still together with her or highly considering getting back with her bc she’s probably the IPPP) emailed me, calling me some choice words. I’m guessing she ALSO thought she was his “one and only.”

    Tonight’s texts from mind-f after 3 more days of disengagement were “just saying hi” and “it was hot out today.”

    So thankful I found the site when I did, as I am trying so hard to remain strong. Can’t let him know the anger, pain, sadness, desire, and hopefulness that his meaningless words stirred up inside me within 10 seconds. Yet I still feel like he sucked me back because I felt those emotions.

    Thank you, HG, for maintaining this site and painting a little bit of a picture through all of the word fog.

      1. Not if they die first… then they ghost you!

        Man-oh-man…let my joke be a joke~~my narcissist as ghost would be so very vengeful to me.

        Boo… with a hoo.
        🙁

      2. Yo, yo, yo …. Caroline -watch out a love bomb is headed your way… just because I dont like to see sad faces on your posts.

        Sod him, alive or a ghost I don’t believe he actually has the capacity to dim that magnificent light you have .. bounce back lovely – we all have those Days, knowing we can feel completely different tomorrow… Qx

      3. Hi, cute Quasi! 🙂 Love bomb accomplished! 🙂

        No worries though~I’m happy as a clam… was just making a joke about my narcissist dying someday and REALLY ghosting me (he’s quite a bit older than me, so it’s just the odds)… but nah, that’s not really possible, right? Like he’s not going to float around and grope me and break all my dishes, right? Right?? Lol

        Did you see HG’s latest (new) blog post? Whoa, baby… What’s THAT about? He’s so cloak and dagger.

        XXOO, to you, Quasi. 🙂

      4. Hey Caroline,

        Good, I like to hear your a happy lady… just checking in with you.
        The idea of a narcissist ghost is an interesting one, if it was the narcissist I knew there would definitely be some boob groping action going on.. and some freaky finger feeling on my collarbone… lol..
        I would be hollering “the power of Christ compels you, the power of Christ compels you” …

        I have read the new blog post for the upcoming series. Looks awesome. I also chuckled to myself due to the irony of my bid to no longer getting excited by a narcissist, by Automatically getting excited by THE narcissist….

      5. I think being excited about what HG has to offer is most certainly okay, Quasi! HG is our Narcissistic Exception. 🙂 I saw a few of HG’s comments on that new thread a bit ago… whoa, sounds like somebody’s gonna get it in his new series (or a few somebodies). Well, it can’t be us. We’re total sweetie pies. 🙂

        And I cannot stop laughing at “The power of Christ compels you” — you tickle me! LOL

        P.S. For your entertainment — my latest challenge: flying monkeys. I got a super weird (work address) email yesterday from the narcissist’s brother, giving me info on the overseas business vacation the narcissist said he’s taking me on. WTH? Yes, this winter, the narcissist and I are going on vacation together…NOT. Who knows if this latest crazy is because I’ve blocked my ex-BF on all work phones… but I’m pretty sure “HG & the Empaths” (sounds like a rock band, lol) are not ok with the ex-BF narcissist whisking me away to a foreign country. So now I have to totally ignore his brother, who is actually a decent guy. It’s all so absurd.

      6. A Proxy hoover from an unknowing decent guy… it’s shit but yes I agree it just needs to be ignored.
        It’s not comfortable to ignore, but required as he will unknowingly feedback to the ex- narcissist and he will perceive that he still has an influence over you. – The ah she is paying me attention again thing, I do have an impact on her..
        As we know they just want to know that they have an effect on us, that they matter enough to get a response of any kind.

        I think that is the only reciprocal element of entanglement with a narcissist, the want to matter to each other, to be valued and wanted by the other.
        Maybe that is why so many who have been disengaged from by their narcissist are so interested in the concept of hoovers, because they want to know that they mattered enough to warrant it.
        Even though it still means nothing special about the person, and only what the narcissist wants to achieve..

        I always believe with hoovers, that they only mean what we allow them to mean, and they have the impact we allow them to have. They are essentially just the way the narcissist chooses to put themselves back into our minds. What happens after that is down to the person.

        I doubt the narcissist would proactively or directly hoover me, he is too afraid of rejection.
        He has actioned some indirect attempts to get my attention, but has been ignored.

        We can not trust anything they say, as they will say anything to achieve their aims and get the attention that they want.
        To say to themselves I have power and control over her/ him, and get their little kick.. Not that you would trust what he said about made up holiday plans anyway. Although I imagine it was some elaborate excursion, that you know would never have happened when you were together either..

        The narcissist I knew would tell me that he wanted me to sing with the soul band he was setting up, he said he loved my singing voice and that I had soul..

        He said

        He said

        Just words.

        Words can be powerful.
        But when you truly know that the person speaking them is a wooden puppet governed by their need for validation, they soon loose their allure and power.
        We may not spot the future fake or crumbs of comfort for what they actually are when it is spoken, because we don’t want to spot it; we want to believe that we are wanted.
        But it does not take long to work out, because it is not the words that really count – but the actions.
        Generally he acted like a complete dick! 😉😂

        Keep laughing Caroline – it’s good for the soul, I laugh daily as my soul is free to do so, joy is an emotion that knows no bounds.. Qx

      7. Cant stop laughing at the delicious irony of a narcissist with a soul band.

      8. Oh NarcAngel, it gets better …. he called the band “the soul saviours” …. his god complex in full ironic effect !
        I also find it very funny now! I do not think they get many bookings..

      9. Actually, it kinda makes sense, NA…he’s gotta get his soul somewhere.;-)

      10. Hey, Quasi~I replied back to your last post to me — but POOF — it disappeared. I won’t re-type it, in case or eventually resurfaces (hate to take up bandwidth needlessly).

        In any case, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. :-)I’m very clear that this man has a disorder, and I really want this to STOP…so now I just keep my NC solid-as-silver and wait for him to fizzle his way out.

        That’s the plan!

      11. POOF – it’s a kind of magic! I love your humour Caroline.. Good plan lovely, no contact and also not allowing any attempts to get back in your mind or heart, or life.
        You rock ! X

      12. We all rock, Quasi! We’re part of the “HG and the Empaths” band. 😉

        Kisses.

  10. Agreed, they will try. Mind did after 8-10 years. Saw him in a store. He caught me in my car as I was leaving. I drew a knife and made it known anything he put in the car, I was cutting off. That seemed to work. Haven’t seen him in years! I have to admit I very much enjoyed that interaction. He kept asking me questions, how are you, hows your mom, etc. I kept say, why? Why do you want to know? He was confused and frustrated, and I still get a smile everytime I think of it!

  11. *Await the dramatic music* – HG I am in fits of giggles – so very true! The picture header is a home run also….tragically dramatic! Ha!
    How many times during a period of engagement have I heard the words “I own you?” or “You are mine”. I accept now that no matter where I am, no matter how many years my husband and I have been together raising our beautiful children the narcissistic connection exists and is irrevocable in the mind of the N. I see that since I was 8 years old, chosen and targeted I have lived this way knowing that somehow he will find me (in spite of no contact) and set about selling me a story which has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. The beauty of this blog is recognising this pattern exists for so many of us and reaffirming that we all have better lives to live if we revoke the connnection to the N in our own minds. I do hope though that one day we shall be able to buy a final discard on eBay like everything else – for that I would pay any price!

  12. I don’t know what level of fuel I was to my Narc but worked out that he had a girlfriend at home (he never admitted to this and I often found myself getting blocked each time I probed for an answer on it)
    I hardly saw my Narc and it was only really during work hours that he would come to my house to see me in the guise of getting to know one another after meeting on a dating site.
    I got sucked in real bad … fell head over feet. I’d eventually start to question what we were to one another and I was told by my Narc that he was ‘not built that way’ (as to wanting a relationship etc)
    I eventually met other guys as I saw my Narc less and less. My Narc blow up calling me a slut, whore cum bucket full of STIs on finding out …
    Surely that is a discard for good!? It was a huge insult to him as he felt he was god like and the only man that could ever please any woman…

    1. RG he didn’t like your strength to move on! You reminded me of the crude words used to describe us! My narc called me his ‘slit’.

      Thanks for exposing what happens to IPPS, it’s not healthy for me to be thinking about him this much. It torments me visiting here at times.

      1. It does pain us.
        But they are a mirage.
        His mistake was not studying me to realise my strength.
        I’d just lost the love of my life and best friend to a severe brain injury so yes one would assume that I would be a vulnerable mess (which I was) however I’ve three young kids, self employed homeowner that has to pick myself up and deal with it! Plus I’m dealing with my husband’s family who all show sociopathic traits in that they have been trying to take me to court throughout my husband’s sickness – no empathy.
        I’m built of strong stuff and the love my husband showed me made me know my worth and question the Narcs idea of ‘love’

        The sex trurly was like no other with the Narc – that and his unprecedented intelligence was his weapon of mass destruction.

        Really hope I can break free no one has ever made me fear them as much as he has done these last two days

    2. No, if anything is a disengagement. He may be back to hoover you at a later time dependent on many variables. There is no such thing as a final discard. EVER.

      1. PH, Okay, thank you
        In some masochistic way I feel relief…😢
        Wish I’d never met him

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