Toxic Logic

 

TOXICLOGIC

 

 

Confusion is at the heart of the narcissistic dynamic. Confusion causes several things to happen. You provide fuel far more readily, you submit to our control, you are easier to manipulate, your blame yourself, you cling on tighter and you do not move forward. Confusion reigns during devaluation. Confusion abounds post escape and especially post discard. Confusion keeps appearing during the hoovers which inevitably appear. The creation of confusion is a must for us if we are to keep our grip on you and achieve our aims. How many times have you said any of the following?

Why is he doing this?

I don’t understand why one moment she is fine and the next she is a howling banshee?

Why does he get so angry over nothing?

Why won’t he leave me alone?

I cannot work out what is wrong.

What’s the matter? What have I done wrong?

Why won’t you tell me what is the matter?

What was that for?

What did you say that for?

Why did you just do that?

These are all the common responses of victims who do not understand what is happening to them. This is because each and every single one of them is looking at the situation through their own world view and is accordingly applying their own logic to the situation. They are also doing so in a skewed fashion because that logic is heavily tainted by emotion which impairs clarity of thought. Not that our kind would complain about that.

One of the central planks to understanding the narcissistic dynamic is to understand our Toxic Logic. This is so-called because the effect of the application of our logic is that it has a toxic effect on you. Once you understand this toxic logic, you will make considerable advances into understanding why we behave as we do, why we say the things we do, why we react in the fashion that we do and why it impacts on you in such a fashion. You will not like this toxic logic. You will find it abhorrent but it is not necessary for you to like it. What you must do is apply it.

When you look at a situation adopting your worldview it is akin to staring into the dark of the night and looking into a forest. You may be able to see the trees because of the moonlight; you see lots of shadows but you cannot spot the man that is lurking there training a gun on you. Apply night vision goggles to that situation and all of a sudden you can see much more as they catch the infra-red section of the light spectrum and you can see the assassin clearly. Applying the toxic logic is the equivalent of switching to night vision. You will notice things that have been there all along. You will understand why we have responded in a certain way which has previously been a complete mystery to you.

Let us take the dinner table example. You have made dinner. you serve the four guests first, place a plate for yourself on the table and then serve your narcissist last. He knocks the plate to the floors spilling the food and breaking the plate. Your guests gasp. He stares at you, glowers and you watch shocked and puzzled as he storms off from the dining room. Why on earth did he just do that? Fifteen minutes later he returns, sits down and converses with you and the guests as if nothing has happened. How can he do that after such a display?

Looking at it from your worldview, you served the four guests first because that is polite. You then served yourself because your place setting was nearest to the food so that was practical. You served the narcissist last because he was furthest away and also you gave him more than the others since you didn’t have to save any of the food for anybody else, since everybody had been served. The evening had been proceeding in a friendly and pleasing fashion with everybody enjoying themselves. There is, from your worldview, no reason at all for this sudden display of temper.

He returns with no apology or sense of embarrassment at his behaviour and continues as if he has just been to the bathroom or to answer the door. He is pleasant and charming to both you and the guests. Again from your worldview, you are left puzzled by this behaviour. Who on earth behaves like that?

Now you apply the toxic logic and the reason is all too clear. By serving the narcissist last you told him through this action, which was not accompanied by any fuel, that he was not important. This was a criticism. This wounded him. His self-defence response to this wounding was the ignition of his fury. He could not keep it under control because of the type of narcissist that he is. The fury therefore manifested as heated fury. He tipped the plate to the floor spilling the food and breaking the plate. This caused drama and had all eyes on him. The guests were taken aback and their gasps of surprise and shock provided him with emotional attention, thus fuel. Your stunned reaction also provided him with fuel. He then walked out, drawing further emotional reaction from everybody assembled and in another room he has been able to draw on Thought Fuel as he imagines the ongoing reaction to his outburst. All of this fuel goes to the repair of the narcissistic wound that he has suffered. His fury will abate and he will return at some point as if nothing has happened.

Indeed, he returns, fury abated and is able to switch back without any show of concern to be charming and pleasant, thus drawing positive fuel from all those he is engaging with. Out of politeness, nobody mentions the incident, no doubt fearing a repeat performance.

This is but one example amongst millions that normal healthy people and empathic healthy people just cannot understand. Internally, those who witnessed the incident may be anxious, puzzled, pleased that it is over, wondering what caused it, wary of it happening again and a whole host of other thoughts. None of them will actually understand why it happened. It is only the application of the toxic logic that allows you to understand it.

So, what is this toxic logic? I shall example the main principles behind it. As you read these principles I know you will be thinking such thoughts as

But that is insane

That is ridiculous

Why live like that?

Can’t he or she see how crazy that looks?

Remember, it only appears that way because you are applying your own worldview to these principles. In order to understand and apply the toxic logic you have to let go of your logic – for the time being – and just accept that these are the principles we operate by. As I mentioned before, it is irrelevant whether you like them or agree with them. You should not feel any need to challenge them. You should just accept that this is the way that it is and once you do that, you will grasp why we are as we are. These are the principles of our toxic logic.

  1. Fuel is everything to us. It governs everything we do, whether by instinct or by calculation.
  2. Nothing is ever our fault. Nothing at all.
  3. We are entitled to do what we want, when we want, where we want, how we want and with whom we choose.
  4. You are the competition.
  5. Everybody is an appliance that yields fuel.
  6. If you do what we want, you are good.
  7. If you do not do what we want, you are bad.
  8. There is no middle, no grey, no inbetween.
  9. The end always justifies the means.
  10. We have no concept of remorse, guilt or a conscience.
  11. The world is against us.
  12. Anything that blocks, defies, challenges or calls into question our superiority is a criticism., if it is done without providing fuel.
  13. We hate criticism
  14. Criticism wounds us and ignites our fury.
  15. We must control our environment. Control is paramount to us.
  16. We do not recognise boundaries
  17. We have no empathy
  18. We mimic and copy to pretend we have certain emotions and feelings.
  19. We lie repeatedly.
  20. Fuel is everything to us – worth repeating.

This logic is toxic because the outcome is that you are manipulated. We abuse people, we use people, we trample on people and do so without any concerns at all for that person’s wellbeing. You will be considering such behaviour and outlook at odious and reprehensible and coming from an empathic individual that is entirely understandable.

Let us apply the toxic logic to another scenario.

You send your narcissist a text message asking when he will be coming home. You receive no reply. You text again. No reply. You ring. There is now answer. Your narcissist eventually appears at 2am when you are lying still awake in bed. There is no apology, no explanation and he says nothing to you but gets into bed and falls asleep. You are left worried, bewildered and upset.

From your world view you cannot understand why he did not respond to a perfectly reasonable text message. You cannot understand why he did not tell you he would be late. You know of no reason why he would stay out so late and not warn you. You find it hurtful and upsetting and you are confused because he is meant to love you and if someone loves someone then they do not behave this way. I have heard such comments many times.

Now apply the toxic logic.

The narcissist is entitled to do as he pleases. Thus if he wants to stay out, he can.

The narcissist is never to blame. Therefore, he feels no compulsion to warn you he will be late, to apologise for returning late or to offer any explanation.

Your text message sought to exert control over him. You are the competition. This is prohibited conduct.

The text message was not accompanied by fuel. By suggesting that he was beholden to you, this amounted to a perception of criticism by the narcissist. He felt wounded. Some narcissists could control the fury that is ignited and might have answered. This narcissist could not. His response was cold fury through a silent treatment. Hence the failure to reply and answer the ‘phone.

He gained Thought Fuel knowing that you would be concerned and worried at his failure to reply and him staying out late. This would heal the wound and abate the ignited fury.

He was justified treating you in this fashion because he is entitled and the end always justifies the means. Further, fuel is everything.

Thus, when looked at from the narcissist’s perspective, applying the toxic logic everything makes perfect sense to him, but viewed from your perspective it will not. The toxic logic will repeatedly explain to you why we suddenly erupt, go silent, suddenly apply the golden period again, why we carry on like normal afterwards, why we never apologise or if we do it is a false apology and so forth. Everything about what we say and do, how we behave and respond appears nonsensical, confusing and puzzling when looked at from your perspective. This means you give us fuel, try harder to please us, submit to our manipulations and remain in our grip. It also means that your empathic traits of needing to understand, wanting the truth, being good and decent and trying to help are catered for. Thus, sub-consciously, you are getting something you need from it, even though it is upsetting you, angering you or frustrating you. Our behaviour, lacking any logic in your world, keeps you where we want you and also caters for your empathic needs meaning you remain in place.

Every time something happens which perplexes you, you will suffer the consequences of our toxic logic. You are hurt, upset, mystified, anxious and so on. If, however, you apply our toxic logic to what has happened you will work out why it has happened. It is not always easy to do. it takes time to work it out. It takes discipline and repeated application in a way that is alien to you. You will not like it. You will not approve, but you will understand. Once you start to understand, you gain control. Once you start to understand, the toxic effects of being confused, bewildered and lost are ameliorated. Once you understand, you can begin to establish a way to deal with the application of this toxic logic so that the effects become less and less effective. You are then taking your first steps to freedom.

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20 thoughts on “Toxic Logic”

  1. once I figured out exactly what was going on… I was secreting seeing an experienced therapist … I changed my behavior and pretended that “I was the problem” and it took her completely by surprise and left HER in complete confusion … she went, one day, into what I can only imagine was a narcissistic zombie state staring at the wall for 3 hours straight … I timed it while continuing to read articles about NPD, she had already done the discard on me and I was going with it … I was afraid she would poison me as she was an expert in biochemistry. I assume the staring at the wall was an attempt to bait me into a pleading not to end it … it wasn’t going to happen .. I wanted out … it was such a relief to be free without getting killed or some situation artificially created to do as much damage to me as possible .. it takes quite a bit of work to recover… so much pain in confusion to be around or care about such ppl who have true malice in their spirit

  2. Newbie here. Lurked for a while and grateful for content. May I ask HG if whether having such understanding and insight of the narcissistic condition that you can overcome this trait? With benefit of hindsight and forgiveness I feel sad that my ex narcissist doesn’t have this insight and will probably never experience a mutually loving, respectful and thriving relationship. I feel sad for all my wasted years but grateful being able to understand and gaining peace from this knowledge – it was never about me or us, just him. I have been no contact for many years. My self identity and self respect is in a good place, always was but I never realised it as was too engrossed with image projected on to me. You rock HG. Thank you.

  3. My posts are not showing? Is there a reason? It just says ‘your comment is awaiting moderation’
    Thanks

  4. This is so true. When I finally saw the pattern – so predictable a lessor……I almost could look at a clock or a calendar & predict the melt down, devalue, punishment, threats, silent treatment.

    GOSO. Your life is yours. Begin again❤️

  5. Thank you for writing this piece HG. It has finally allowed me to figure out why things occured in my relationship the way they did. This may go against the majority’s feeling about narcissists on this blog, but I feel tremendous sorrow for my ex girlfriend, to have to live in this world, a world i know she didn’t like and a world she gave me so many glimpses into with repeated warning signs.If only I’d discovered you’re blog earlier things may have been different, for me atleast. Thank you once again.

  6. Well since I seem to clearly never say things the right way to anyone on here, and they are always taken the wrong way everytime. The “Mythical HG”- is a good guy… I’m wrong. He is a bad guy which he portrays… I’m wrong. I want him healed…I’m wrong. I would like to say the “Mythical HG” or whoever he is a VERY intelligent person. I have heard him speak in his interviews; his brain is a fountain of knowledge. He is an eloquent speaker and knows how to convey his knowledge with his words without any hesitation. He knows EXACTLY what he is talking about and is truly an expert. I would love to believe that he is truly not the way that he is. And it does pain my heart to my core knowing he is that way. I can still believe that he can be healed. I hope that one day he can have a heart that matches his mind. And I sincerely mean everything that I have said. I hope he is successful and helps others heal from their sorrows and prevents them from being further victimized. It is very painful to be in situations with narcissists. I wish my sister would listen to HG… She should know better from her experience with our family dynamics. But a narcissist’s prison is a prison indeed. And the narcissist holds the key to it. Too bad I can barely talk or receive messages from her… Never see her. I would buy her the books… But they would be shredded to pieces and fury of rage would ensue upon her. If I sent the links… The phone would be destroyed…. Again. Pain.

  7. Can I ask you HG if I was to say to one of your kind that I will do everything you want but I ask in return that you are not unfaithful, what would your kind think. would they try to stick to that agreement or would they be angered you tried to make a rule. If they said they would then would they try their best to stay faithful and do any ever manage that even when temptation put in their way?

    1. It would be regarded as Challenge Fuel most likely and therefore the narcissist would exert his own terms namely either

      1. Agree with your request but not abide by it;
      2. Reject what you are saying in that instance.

      Greater and Mid-Range are more likely to respond with 1, Lessers with 2.

  8. HG- does this not leave your kind feeling alienated? Our kind form strong bonds with one another with real deep love and trust? It is not very lonely without such bonds in this world for the Narcs? In a Narcs world everything and everyone is utterly breakable and disposeable … are there any feelings that the Narc has about this?
    I was with my loving husband for 17 years and lost him 3 years ago to a severe brain injury (he was my best friend and soulmate) I then met my Narc 6 months ago still very vulnerable to my loss a was highly susceptible to the love bombing. A recipe for disaster, he saw me coming for sure.
    However due to the intense love and trusting relationship I had with my husband I knew there was something very wrong/ different with this new man that I’d met.
    He has for sure left an imprint in my mind where I cannot get him out of my head, he is my every though as I’m struggling to understand why he would behave in such a way.
    How lonely a life must he live? Or is this just how I view it?

    1. It is lonely from your perspective. We are set apart but that is how we always are because we do not attach to anybody.

  9. The list of 20 is a great reminder and gives me comfort in understanding what happened and why. Reading those and the HG Book “Fuel” are great tools in stopping emotional thinking in its tracks.

    1. Agreed, Kathleen. The three books that helped me most were Fuel, Why? And Black Hole, in that order.

  10. Yup I dealt with these tantrums but they were silent at first it was hard to understand, I remember watching my now ex- when he didn’t come home until the next day and had no remorse while I was suffering not knowing where he was, no respect towards the relationship where he felt he simply will act like nothing happened or lie in my face, and all I had to do is go with the flow and accept whatever was thrown at me until….
    I started to see through his bs, I enrolled in psychology classes and that was NO good for him and then I became an enemy he couldn’t control anymore, I was not accepting his lies or his deflections.

    For some people it may be confusing how they like to fuel which in many cases is when you respond angrily towards them, however Narcissists has to approve this fuel and if he doesn’t your confrontational behavior is not necessary a fuel is THREAT and they don’t like that, they also don’t like when you wise up on them, when you can see through their soul you become a THREAT and useless, that’s when they discard you and they separate themselves from you!

    A short story when I decided to end my marriage and was devastated but for years I have said I wanted out and somehow he managed to win back this time was different he reply to me and said “I agree we should end this marriage don’t want to be married with you either” hurtful words but more hurtful were the tears and years of humiliation and cheating he exposed me to, I didn’t have the strength to do much but I was sure I wanted the nightmare to end so I told him to start the paperwork, and he did. he became the petitioner and I was the respondent. little that I knew while I was mourning the death of our marriage he was giving me the final touch of his manipulative behavior, remember I was the one that asked for the divorce, well this filing of the paperwork became his diploma as how he won against me and my rebellious behavior, he became as cocky as he always was and suddenly he was strong to move on with his life, correction he never was strong he simple NEVER love me just like he does not love anyone else, he despises himself so much so that, I can see it, he one told me once you are “mine” you forever will be mine, he hate the fact I move on and no longer need him or look for him, we have children and he uses the children to communicate with me and it’s me know that ignores him!!!

    I still have a lot of work to do but this blog hit so close to home because I experienced every single of the examples HG put in here including my own toxic process thinking in regards to his behavior…

    Stay safe out there!🙌🏽

    Sincerely
    Narcissistkryptonite because I am your worst enemy

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