What Do We Feel ?

 

WHAT DO WE FEEL_ 

It is often said about our kind that we are effectively dead. This refers to an emotional demise. This emotional demise is linked to the perception that we do not feel. This state of emotional deadness is also connected to the concept that our kind feel empty, that there is a vast chasm inside of us, a howling wilderness where there is nothing. If we are emotionally dead, what caused that? Who or what might the slayer be? Is there any prospect of resurrection? Do we feel nothing? Is there this all-pervading sense of nothingness inside of us?

I am not emotionally dead.

Why do I write this? It is because I do feel things. I feel the burning harshness that flows from criticism of me. I feel jealousy when people are listening to somebody else in the group and not me. I feel envy when I see a car that is superior to mine. I feel frustration when I am not causing someone to do as I want. I feel hatred for those who have turned against me and through their perfidious treachery they seek to do me harm. I feel the fury when I respond to the criticism. Those feelings are strong, visceral and real. I also feel power. I feel that familiar surge as the first flames of power spark into life, brought into being by the application of fuel and then they grow. The surging sensation increases and courses through me, invigorating me and edifying me. It drives me forward, causes me to feel like I am bursting as it enables me to shine, to dazzle and to perform. The intensity of this feeling is substantial and not only is it necessary for me to feel like this, it is addictive.

What then of those other emotions, sadness, joy, happiness, fear, concern, compassion and so forth? Where are those emotions? They are absent. I do not feel them. I have seen in those around me certain responses and listened to people describe them so that I know what happiness looks like and I know what it feels like to you, but I do not feel it. It is clear to me that when you feel happy, I feel powerful. When you feel joy, I feel a greater sense of power. Accordingly, it is correct to state that in respect of those emotions I am dead, or is that entirely accurate. For something to die it must first have once lived. Something must have been there to begin with and then have vanished, been obliterated or removed. Was I once happy and then the capacity to be happy was taken away from me? Who removed it? Was it the act of someone else or did I decide to strip happiness from myself and arm myself with power instead? Then again, is it the case that certain elements of my emotional spectrum are not dead at all but instead I have experienced some kind of emotional paralysis. Are those emotions somewhere but they have been halted, capped, muted? I know from my reading and observation that, for example, compassion appears to be learned from others. Was I once learning to be compassionate and then for some reason it stopped and has never been allowed to develop again? Was I once able to experience joy but then that was stunted and halted and kept from me?

Alternatively, it might be that with regard to certain emotions I am neither emotionally dead or emotionally paralysed. In both those instances it must follow that the emotion was once there but has either been removed (death) or halted (paralysis). What if the emotion was never there to begin with? What if I was created without the capacity for joy, for sadness of for compassion? What if I was created in a different way? What if my creation and development meant that it was necessary to forgo such emotions in order to facilitate a certain way of being which allowed me to achieve and accomplish more effectively without being hampered or hindered by such emotions. I have no concern for who I might tread on, on the way up, so I climb that much quicker and that much higher than other people. Might it be the case that in order to have those who excel in so many fields it was necessary for us to be denied certain emotions to ensure we were effective? I readily admit that not everyone who is a leader in their field, an achiever and a winner is necessarily one of us, but we are over-represented. Even if someone might not be regarded as one of our kind, I know that they will possess more of our traits and to a greater degree than they do not. Perhaps this was a necessary trade-off so that the pioneers, conquerors and leaders would advance but at a personal cost in terms of the provision of certain emotions. Perhaps we were never granted those emotions to begin with? Through my increasing awareness with the good doctors I am forming a view.

Do I laugh? Am I amused? Do I have a sense of humour? Yes, I do and I know I have an excellent sense of humour (aside from when you do not do what I want or criticise me). I have been asked what do I feel when I laugh? If I am laughing along with others at something I have said, then I feel power because I am being fuelled. What do I feel if I laugh when I am watching a comedian on stage or on television? I laugh because I know it is expected of me in such a scenario. I laugh because I can work out that what was said was witty or amusing, but I do not feel any power. I do not feel any uplifting sensation in the way that you have described to me. Often I feel a sense of unrest and the clamour of jealousy because people are laughing at someone else’s wit and not mine.

What do I feel when I see one of my country’s athletes securing gold at the Olympics? Am I proud of them? I know to say the correct things to provide recognition for their achievement but again I feel a sense of envy that it is not me on that podium receiving the accolade of the crowd in the stadium. I can see you sat next to me clapping and smiling and I am jealous that you are clapping this person on the television and not me. I can feel the first prick of the wound because your applause for them and not me suggests they are better than me and thus you are criticising me. I feel the need to tell you about my sporting achievements so you give me praise and thus the criticism is abated before it has caused too much damage and before my fury is ignited. I may instead allow the fury to ignite and find some way of lashing out at you so you react and provide me with your attention through being hurt and upset. This is why on so many occasions you will be doing something with us that is pleasant and enjoyable and then in the blink of an eye an argument has come out of nowhere or a brag or boast appears linked to what we are doing. I cannot feel happy for that athlete. I can acknowledge the achievement because he is a winner and I love to win. I will acknowledge the achievement and apply what I have learned in order to show the correct feelings if I am in a situation where it would not be appropriate to unleash some heated fury, for instance if it would crack my façade, but I will be desperate to bring the conversation or attention onto me by remarking how I won gold in the country championships as a teenager or start talking about my latest achievement at work.

What do I feel when I see an advert for a charity on the television? Am I moved by the images and the mournful accompanying soundtrack. Do I feel pity, sympathy and compassion? No, I do not. I feel nothing. If I hear you making sympathetic noises then just as in the example above I want your attention on me, not on the orphan on the screen. I may comment about my charitable work so your praise me. I may pass a scathing remark about how it is a waste of money because very little of the money donated actually reaches the person who needs it, the bulk of the money being swallowed up by administrative and advertising costs in order to make you react. I may go further and blame the subject of the charitable activities as culpable for their own predicament in order to bring a heightened emotional reaction from you at my callous remarks.

I do feel. I feel many emotions and many emotions I do not feel at all. I also do feel a sense of emptiness which I seek to fill through the sensation of power. I need to fill up with this power to remove this sense of emptiness. This emptiness makes me feel uneasy and unsettled. I feel like I am disappearing and that by gathering fuel to make me feel powerful I am asserting my existence again. I am recognised, venerated and lauded.

I know what I feel. I also know what I do not feel. I have an awareness and growing understanding of why I feel as I do. I have an awareness as to why I must act as I do with regard to those feelings. I am ascertaining and working out why I feel in a different fashion to you. I understand my need for power and what it does for me. I understand the effects of this power and the consequences of its generation.

I am not the walking dead. I am walking towards something.

Advertisements

51 thoughts on “What Do We Feel ?”

  1. I liked this article, and in a few ways could relate as regards the emptiness and feeling like you are disappearing etc. You refer to yourself HG as a very efficient machine which you are. But there is still a very human aspect to you. And this would have to be the case, otherwise we would find it very difficult to draw toward such a person. (Not that we have to, but I’m sure you’ll agree it helps). You perhaps feel you don’t need that side of you at all. But for your readers, I feel its needed. And you accommodate us well.

  2. Jane I am so sorry you and your daughter endured horrible abuse. I am glad you got away from him. Yes they are only reachable by God Himself as any other human efforts are a waste I ve sadly experienced. I also know God is the healer to those of us who have endured such undeserved abuse. I m on my healing journey to heal all the verbal abuse, lies deceit cheating and gaslighting. It’s a level of depravity that is clearly tied to the dark side. Never forget the truth in how much you re valued Jane and never doubt it!

  3. At the risk of sounding reductive, I’d like to put out there that like many things we do impulsively, narcissism might be partly explained by dopamine (reward chemical triggered by lots of things). A narc is just addicted to power rather than to, say, cigarettes or carbs. But the dopamine ‘hit’ for the narcissist comes from interpersonal relationships rather than from a substance, so there is blowback and hurt as the narc feeds his habit by using other people, who have their own independent wills and needs.

    Interpersonal relationships are like a dance – they are a negotiation and some work because you get the rhythm right, while others don’t because you can’t. But narcs don’t even see that they have a partner because their need for power blinds them to it. It really is like chasing heroin. Narcs run roughshod over other people to get a fix. Nothing else matters.

    I once wrote about this to my narc – how I understood what he was doing – running roughshod over ‘me’ to get his fix. I didn’t send it because he was too unaware to have that conversation. In any case, understanding doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. It is still heartbreaking when you realize that someone is ‘using’ you just as they would ‘use’ a drug.

    The emptiness sounds like a form of depression and the need for a ‘high’ makes perfect sense in this scenario. It might help to know, HG, that a lot of ‘normal’ people have existential crises. We just deal with it differently. Some people turn to religion; some to drugs; some to exercise; some throw themselves into work, etc. Maybe narcissism is an addiction to interpersonal power. If you feel like sharing, HG, I’d be curious to hear if your doctors have raised this topic.

    1. Very interesting observations SMH. They make a lot of sense.

      The “addiction to interpersonal power” you speak about reflects the lack of impulse control that narcissists are described as having.

      It also describes (to me, anyway) the lack of self-reflection that narcissists have. Their feeling of emptiness needs to be filled with a drug and the drug is fuel.

    2. V interesting concept SMH. Also the victim starts to get a hit from the dopamine. When I was in the depths of his control felt a rush when I was near him or phone rang or heard his voice. I’ve seen it in his other victims too.

      1. This is true, Em. I was that way too (probably still am but we are in NC). At first, I thought I was the problem because I have a somewhat addictive personality and history. But my experience is how I recognized the behavior. Initially I thought he was displacing a porn/internet addiction but I also recognized my addiction to him. That was before I saw the whole picture with manipulations, conditioning, etc. but I think I was on the right track.

        What does this mean for disengagement? Well, I’ve never completely disengaged from my addictions. A lot of it is psychological but I replace the ‘real’ thing with a good enough substitute and then monitor myself. This is why I think I tolerated narc’s light presence but his inconsistency sent me around the bend. I will therefore have to replace him with someone light (please) but consistent.

        For a true addict, which I am probably not, going NC is like quitting heroin without methadone. Cold sweats, convulsions, obsessive thoughts. And if you break, you die, like Philip Seymour Hoffman (my favorite actor).

      2. Em

        I have this also, even looking down to see a text was from him gave me a rush. When I realized this I actually changed his ring tone to that of everyone else. Eventually NC was the only way because just ignoring him didn’t stop the chemical rushes.

  4. HG – am I getting the silent treatment? LOL
    I know you are busy – but as your biggest fan perhaps you could answer the above questions ??? xxx

  5. Yes, my XN would comment when he saw starving children in Africa and the appeal for money “There own fault for having so many children” Or with the poor in our own country “Why don’t they get off their ass – why we always have to help these useless idiots”?! This said while sitting on his backside and letting me do majority of work in house/garden/with bills etc.

    HG – How would my XN react now? England lost out on the World cup to Croatia. Would he feel anger or be happy to see the footballers get nothing after all their effort?

    As for the compassion – why did my X take frogs to the stream? Or injured birds to the vet? That was compassion surely?

    And what about the joy at the birth of his children? Joy at winning money on the lottery?

  6. …. walk towards surrendering your soul to God. He’s the key to unlocking the prison you are in. Don t be the victim of your faulty past, you were created for so much more. Jesus loves you with an ever lasting love that defines your unwavering value. Put an end to seeking value in faulty measures. Still praying for you HG!

    1. My X is a Narc I prayed and tried for years.
      We split up. Then got back together with My x getting baptised and coming to church with me. Unfortunately he still was abusing my daughter verbally and mentally behind my back. I had no choice but to separate from him – this time for good. He was starting to get worse and worse – swearing at me, hating my family. BUT, I still pray for him – because only God can heal that tortured soul.

      1. Hugs to you Jane. I feel your pain and admire your strength and courage. God is with you. x

  7. Dear HG, thankyou that was very informative. Can you tell me, what behaviour do you exhibit when you’re feeling empty?

      1. You firstly, please. Then if you know how a mid-range feels, that will help me make sense of his behaviour. Thankyou

      2. I do not feel completely empty owing to my ability at gathering fuel, but on the occasions where the emptiness is looming then this has been covered in an expanded narcissistic truth – the second one, I think.

  8. This is an amazing insight HG. Are you getting something from this? Are you closer to discovering how your condition occurred?

  9. Dear HG,

    I have known for a long time, most of what Narc. feel is anything that gives them a HIGH….Do you related of being a DRUG ADDICT? YOUR Drug of need or choice is Sucking out the HUMAN Emotions of Human beings.
    Anything that has attachments from your Victims To YOU.
    Do you ever think you are missing out, of feeling the Spectrum of emotional feelings that normal human being feel?
    HAVE YOU thought OF, if it has BEEN Offer to you TO go into Treatment? HEAVY Duty 24/7 Treatment?

    Where all of your tools of survival, stripped from you? NO Cell phone, computer, visitors, and some how your mind MIGHT be reprogrammed ?

    I know intellectual you understand the Rights and Wrongs and feeling of somewhat normal human-beings, BUT what feels Right to you, is the opposite of Wrongs of the human condition.

    You have been under treatment? Has it been the same Mind Doctor all the time or you have seen different ones?

    I work part-time with special need children. From extrem of none communication to very high function children. It is sad, of thinking Why did God have them born? To suffer? OR For WE the normal human-beings of the world To have something to teach us of EMPATHY.

    I have come to realize that your kind has taught me, there is PURE Evil in the World and to see there is another level of Consciousness that maybe beyond most people intelect of wanting to understand or look into.
    IN my view of life and living here on Earth, THERE is NO equal. I live in USA California, I am a white woman living here. I could of easily been born in a very conservative 3rd world country, where Women have no rights. BUT as I say, I was not. I believe the fortunate needs to help the less fortunate

    I as MOST OF US ON YOUR SITES and Followers COMMEND YOU on Exposing the many elements of Being a Narcissist. Many of your writing or You-tube videos, are repeated. You may take a topic and change it up a bit and re-post or refer us to look up your book or you-tube video.

    I know many of us Ask the same questions or may challenge you of your ways of being and surviving.

    WHAT is your foundation of life? YOUR place in the world? IS THIS IT, TO expose the make up of your kind?

    I have never hated anyone in my life. When I found out the nature of the Narcissist and the ways of how he Manipulated me into serving him and being sired to him.

    How do you EXPALIN HOW MANY OF US FEEL we had a spell put on us, AND we did many things against our will? Where we sired to you LIKE a Vampire?

    Kind Regards Healing Victim

  10. Thank you HG, this is the sort of information I really long for. So it is not possible you can laugh about a silly situation or a funny thing that happens in a room if it doesn’t involve giving you fuel? You can imitate the laugh if required at that moment, but not really laughing out loud from within you? Dont’t you feel you miss a lot living like that?

    Sometimes I see my father laugh so hard the tears roll down his cheeck (this is only once a year and only when his sister is on a visit so everyone can see), now you make me wonder: is this fake, or is he not a psychopath? I really need to book that consultation you offer 😉

    1. You are welcome. I recommend that you book a consultation as I can provide you with more information and help that way.

  11. yes you need to u turn and walk in the other direction. The good docs are changing your compass. A few degrees at a time. Maybe one day you will see that being the best doesn’t matter, that people love people without them being the best.
    Seems you live life based on others reactions and behaviours relating to you. Shame you can’t just do what makes you feel good in yourself. That you can’t inspire your own happiness without fuel from others. That you can enjoy your life sometimes winning or loosing but living autonomously.
    I still feel the only way to break the curse is to starve the fuel. Learn life doesn’t need fuel.
    Your account explains brilliantly how much is your need for this infamous fuel and how your mind has falsly told you how difficult this would be to live in your false world without false fuel.
    Wish I could make you stop. You must see that hurting people is not walking in the right direction.
    You are however helping those you hurt so I know you love you just don’t realise it yet and you won’t till you stop the fuel delusion and find the real you who is naturally lovely and doesn’t need that black foul fuel that ruins that beautiful pure you.

  12. I’m not sure if my other comment posted so I’ll try again.

    HG do narcissists use different love bombing techniques on different targets? The narc never actually mentioned love but he did use music that made me wonder if he had deeper feelings.

    Also, I know dark triad personalities have cross over traits. Can you shed any light on some of them? For instance the differences between narcissism and sociopath?

    Thank you very much.

  13. HG, I am still wrapping my head around my whole situation and would appreciate some clarification. For starters, love bombing. The narc invaded my life in the guise of friendship and while he used music a time or two that indicated deeper feelings he never used love. Do narcissists use different tactics for different targets? When I look at the whole scenario I realized if he had used that technique or tried to paint my husband in a different light I would have been far more on guard.

    Also, I’ve been watching House of Cards and I’m fascinated by Frank Underwoods character. I know the dark triad personalities have crossover traits, which makes it hard from my perspective to understand narcissism from a sociopath. Was hoping you could explain some of this from your work with the good doctors.

    Thank you very much.

  14. I took full advantage of the recent Narc Detector and other consulting services you graciously offer. Your expert insight in combination with the blogs from the past two weeks have completely expanded my understanding. A great teacher is one who inspires. That you have done. I am humbled by and grateful for your expertise. Thank you HG.

  15. Wow I loved reading this HG. Is it new? I liked the personal slant and I’m curious to know more about your self discovery. Where did it all start? Do you remember a time when you did feel? I hope this story line continues soon.

  16. I have an update with regards to my UMR coworker narc. Lately he has been very nice to me. We have had some turnover in our dept wherein I had a beloved coworker of mine accept another job.

    UMRN asked me how I was doing, how the transition is going? Chatted with me on an equal level. Made me almost wonder if maybe he is not a narcissist like I thought.

    He could see I wasn’t feeling too well (I was sad today due to some personal circumstances) and so he was sort of reaching out. He never talks to me like I am his equal and today he was.

    While confusing, it made me feel good and think maybe he is not as cold as I thought?

    As a contrast, my coworker who left is such an honorable empath. He was concerned about me, wanted to make sure I’d be ok with him leaving, reassured me that the new hire was a good pick, etc.

    I still think the UMRN is abrasive, but today he was revealing his softer charm.

    I will say that you narcissists do really have a way of making us feel good when we need it, but also lousy too. Yet as nice as his charm felt, it wasn’t as nice as knowing that my empath coworker’s concern for me was genuine and came from a true place.

    Yet on a side note, cheers to the UK for making Trump’s visit unwelcome. I salute and stand beside you in your opposition.

  17. YOU do not give a shit about anyone== not even your children=== you just want $$$$$$ sings on your grave!!!!!!

  18. Great article HG! It provides a lot of food for thought.

    “What if the emotion was never there to begin with? What if I was created without the capacity for joy, for sadness of for compassion? What if I was created in a different way? What if my creation and development meant that it was necessary to forgo such emotions in order to facilitate a certain way of being which allowed me to achieve and accomplish more effectively without being hampered or hindered by such emotions.”

    These questions you pose make me wonder if narcissism (and sociopathy, etc) is biological. I tend to believe it’s predominantly the way some humans are born. I’ve pondered the case of people in my family, people I work with, and people I have met who are narcissistic. Most of them grew up in stable, consistent, middle-class, non-abusive households, yet they are very much like this.

    Then there are those people who grew up in difficult, abusive or deprived households and yet they are conscientious, unselfish and empathic.

    I am leaning towards the belief that the biological aspect outweighs the developmental.

    HG. you have often described your way of being as “effective”. I find your choice of word interesting, especially since you place much importance on being accurate. Can you expand a little on what “effective” means to you please?

  19. “I feel hatred toward those who’ve turned against me and through their perfidious threachery they seek to do me harm.” Do you know forgiveness and if someone no longer seeks to harm you, do you still hate?

    I had a breakthrough today. Narcs are attracted to me–I am not attracted to narcs.

  20. Perhaps it is because of your mom & she had all the power. You saw two choices. Perhaps, you also gained that power because you saw having emotions in your house was akin to personality suicide & you weren’t choosing that one. Kill emotionalky or be killed. She got everything she wanted & no one else did ,but you also saw the suffering it caused. Your father still loved her despite what it cost him & as a child you mispercieved it as weakness. You could not see it that he was actually the one who had all the strength. I see the same situation in my husband that I am divorcing, same mother, same need for manipulated power to exist. It is so sad for me & I have to be honest & say that I wish I had no hurt right now. I am no expert & this is just something to think about for all of us.

  21. There are other Narcissists who write about Narcissism and give insight from their own perspective. What’s unique to HG is that he writes in the first person. He tells us stories of his own life and circumstances and feelings. That’s really quite a gift to us to be able to have this. And while being a narcissist I’m sure being able to talk about himself and receive such praise for doing so provides HG with fuel, I would venture a guess that a some level, and however fleeting, the logical side of HG tells him, when he says these things, that he has lost something by being a narcissist. I suspect that feeling or thought is suppressed or supplanted quickly. But as transient as it might be, it should make us all the more appreciative. Don’t get me wrong. HG is a narcissist. So he does what he does for us because it serves his purposes. The second it didn’t, you would never hear from him again. But still…there is I bet brief moments of pain. Or loss. Or sadness. Or whatever. And for them we still owe him our appreciation. There’s such an incredible irony with HG. A person who no doubt causes so much pain and suffering to others. Yet alleviates so much more for so many. It makes you wonder how to define him. Good. Bad. Positive. Negative. Or maybe just a lot of both. Like all of us. Just in a different way.

  22. HG, my narcissist often plays the victim which often causes others to feel compassion for him. I sense his anger when he is wounded by a fuel source but does he feel hurt by their actions? I catch myself feeling bad for him. Thinking that his feelings are hurt. Is it only anger he is feeling? When you say you feel emptiness does this mean you feel pity, sympathy and compassion for yourself?

  23. I found that for me, this article gives an amorphous being, form and texture, light, and contrast. Speaking in relatable terms for emotions. There is great skill and artistry coalesced. I liked it very much so.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.