The Seduction Shuffle Hoover
The hoover. A tried and trusted method of gaining fuel and exerting control over a victim once again. Whether they are benign or malign the hoover is an integral part of our repertoire. They are often part of a concerted action which is designed to break down your defences and suck you back in so we are able to exert control over you once again. Sometimes it is to con you into resuming the relationship again, sometimes it is purely to hurt you further and draw negative fuel. We may devise a particular scenario, use other people to effect the hoover by proxy and plan an effective way of establishing contact and then unleashing the hoover. For the hoover to be effective it must have two constituent parts: –
- A method of contact;
- A method of causing a reaction (positive or negative)
We may have devised a delightful scenario which will cause you to come running back to us oozing sympathy-based fuel but if we cannot establish contact with you it is pointless. This is why I often mention how it may seem that we have left you alone but all it is, is that we are waiting for a moment to establish contact so we can then cause the reaction. We are of course mindful that if you escaped us you have no doubt instigated no contact and that your defences remain high, you are on a state of alert and wary about what we are doing. Sometimes sheer force of the hoover and our magnetic personalities prove enough to surmount these defences but this can take time and in particular energy and as you know we prefer to conserve our energy. There is a particular hoover which I call the Seduction Shuffle. It is invariably a benign hoover and relies on you thinking we will do something and you are wrong-footed when we do not, only for us to then make our move.
The circumstances are such that we allow you to know that we are in the vicinity. This may be through somebody else. It might be by walking past where you live or work. We do not make any approach to you. We do not look towards where you might be watching us from, we do not reach out. All we do is want you to know that we are nearby and then we do nothing.
You have been expecting us to get in touch. When we first re-appear or you get news of us being nearby you will raise your defences again expecting an approach but then when it does not happen you are taken aback and confused. Why has he not tried to get in touch? He walked past your window the other day but did not even look towards you? He passed the office but acted as if he did not realise? Perhaps he is not interested in me anymore? Why would that be the case? You almost feel insulted by the fact that we are back in town and have not looked you up. You wonder what is wrong and in that usual way of yours you start to question yourself. This failure to act when we show up leaves you somewhat bewildered, possibly relieved and your defences come down. Maybe we have moved on, perhaps we are no longer interested in you although you cannot help but want to know why this is. Your curiosity is piqued and you are torn between knowing you should stay away but also wanting to find out why we have not approached you. Is it the case that we are no longer interested? Could this really be true? You need to know. Part of you wants the confirmation that it is over, part of you wants to know why you are not good enough for us to approach again and your desire to know proves difficult to control. Word reaches you from a third party that they were talking to us, but no, we did not mention you or ask about you. This troubles you although you know you should not care, but you do. Admittedly, there may be some of you who will not react to this method but they are in the minority. The desire to achieve some kind of understanding as to what happened, some kind of closure, perhaps the chance to get a few things off your chest still churns inside of you. The fact we looked well has drawn your interest again, rekindling thoughts and feelings from that first seduction, but overall you want to know why the shark is swimming nearby again but has not come hunting for you. We know these thoughts will be going through your head. We know you saw us. We know that you showed disappointment when a member of our coterie said they had spoken to us and not mentioned you. Already you have begun to provide fuel to us and we are content to wait for that delicious hoover fuel. Hoover fuel is always enjoyable, whether relief, joy, loving or upset, it all empowers us but it is especially rewarding when you come into our sphere of influence again. With defences lowered as you think that you are abler to handle our machinations and manipulations now you decide that you want to find out what we are doing back, who we are with and most of all the reason why we have not been in touch with you. The temptation proves too great and after all, one text message or a telephone conversation cannot do any harm can it? Once we see that message from you or your name appears on the mobile ‘phone screen, or we don’t recognise the number but recognise your voice when we answer we can scent even more fuel. You have made the contact and this tells us that you have opened yourself up to provide us with the sought after reaction and this waiting game has once again proven successful. We can now strike and finish the hoover.
15 thoughts on “The Seduction Shuffle Hoover”
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I meant to say NOT like that for the super empath sorry!
So timely. I’m on day 16 of no contact. He hasn’t made the slightest effort (that I’m aware of – having blocked him on all platforms, as well as his friends and family) and, exactly as HG says, I’m expecting the hoover and wondering why it’s not coming. Am I that worthless? Did I mean so little? Then I stop these thoughts and tell myself that “absent silent treatments” and “incredible sulks” can last weeks. It’s only been 2 weeks, and I gave him a lot to manage when I ghosted. Will he still try the hoover? Or will he continue the silence? Again, HG is correct: It’s a matter of “needing to know”.
The hoover is coming. It is a matter of when, not if.
This pretty much illustrates my experience. He waits for me to think that I can handle it. Sometimes he creeps me while waiting and sometimes he doesn’t (or I don’t notice). But he’s ready when he hears from me.
The last few days I’ve been fighting NC, though it’s been months now with no urge. I wrote him a draft email (I have lots of those – they never get sent). I looked at social media for the first time in ages – testing myself – but there was nothing different. It’s exactly the same as always. Same people, places, activities, routines. I read over all of our last conversations – which I had been afraid to revisit – and I wasn’t nearly as hysterical as I remember being. Maybe ‘the end’ wasn’t as bad as I thought, though I did tell him I was petrified of him, of his coldness. He presents as very sweet, patient and understanding – it was a combination of that sweetness with the abusive behaviors that was so confusing. Had he been clearly verbally or physically abusive, I would have been out of there much sooner (one would hope).
More difficult is feeling that he is ‘here,’ but not. The ghost thing. Last night I dreamt he was trying to reach me in person because he really wanted/needed me but it turned out he wanted to leave his mentally disabled daughter all snuggled up next to me :-). He doesn’t have such a daughter so she must have represented his own disability. I am supposed to just accept it? I think I am confusing myself with IPPS, who does seem to accept/ignore/be unaware. I am thinking I should be more like her even though I know it’s not fun to be IPPS (wasn’t fun to be IPSS either). I am thinking life would be better if I were a codependent rather than a super empath.
I think I am having these ‘cravings’ and regrets, and second guessing myself, because HG is not putting comments through!
SMH,
I have been fighting NC the past few days as well. It seems to come in spurts. I long for the day it becomes effortless.
Pale Horse, Yes it comes in spurts. I’m better than I was a few days ago but I saw my therapist. I think my biggest problem is guilt (I escaped), which makes me think I can fix it if I get another chance, which is why I keep thinking about it. Rationally, I know I tried everything and I was very clear with him that I had not done anything to cause his behavior. But of course he blames me and one does still feel like a defective appliance. My therapist had some interesting insights and asked me what I wanted to see happen. I said ‘I want to be indifferent.’ I know I will get there and you will too! This blog helps a lot. Sometimes it feels as if HG is reading my mind and posts exactly what I need to read at that moment.
SMH, trust me it is no better or easier being codependent. When you are codependent you can literally become addicted and lose yourself. It can become like Stockholm syndrome. You are so totally enmeshed with the narc, that you feel you would rather die than be apart from that person. I wouldn’t imagine it is like that for the super empath.
It was a bit tongue in cheek, Tigerchelle, though I definitely had periods where I lost myself. I would look up things like Stockholm Syndrome to try to figure out what was wrong with me, and that’s when I came across co-dependency. For me it was just a phase (I hope) but it is still a struggle not to slip back into it, which I guess is what the narc wants – an enabler. I can’t be that person and he knows it.
As a super, I felt addicted, but I didn’t lose myself. I sometimes experienced the Stockholm syndrome but not consistently. I never felt I’d rather be dead. My narc traits r strong. Or maybe I’m just finally tired of the game. Checkmate
Sounds like me, Melinda. I never thought I couldn’t live without him – in fact I’d live without him during NC periods for many months at a time. It wasn’t easy but I did it. I also tired and thought I checkmated him. And I also probably have narc traits. But I am no match for him because his emotional range is so limited. It’s exhausting to live like a narc if one is at heart an empath. It goes against all instincts. So I still struggle with the whole thing…
HG, I am also notice the silent stalking going on via media and trying to break into my phone and Hoover goin on . he did after I went to see him, he said he was sorry, then overtook my phone. It really caused a mess, so now I’m a little wiser. It began five months ago. The clean up is a fucking nightmare. So is the clean up.
HG,
is it possible that my ex (narcissist who discarded me almost a year ago) unblocked me suddenly on social media because he has moved on and I am totally indifferent to him now and he doesn’t see me as a target anymore?
In a nutshell, I blocked him first and went no contact because he was hoovering me often after the discard, trying to be “friends” and he didn’t listen when I told him to stop contacting me. When I blocked him, he did the same.
There were 4 months of silence, he was playing with other women, only secondary sources, no IPPS for sure. I started to heal.
And after 4 months he unblocked me. I did not react. After a few days he started to update his social media bio, adding some new hobbies, personal and work related information and so on. He started to post pictures every day, showing he is busy with parties, meeting friends, visiting places.
And I am confused. I wonder if this “personal branding” on social media is linked to the fact he unblocked me – maybe this unblocking me is a part of bigger “moving on” process – he is not angry anymore because of my block, he is busy with hobbies and other people so he unblocked me to show me I am “safe” – he will not bug me anymore?
I am confused, I know narcissists use provocations and everything is just a show, the smoke and the mirrors and I will not unblock him. But I wonder why he did unblock me. Did he want to test the waters and start hoovering once again or was it an act of “normalcy” – “no hard feelings, I am busy now, I see you moved on too, no need to block”.
What do you think?
This is a matter better suited to consultation.
You read my mind, again. This is a timely post. After a month of no contact I received a group message today from narc’s ex saying that they are getting back together, she is forgiving him for cheating, etc and how he’s told her that I was an awful woman, stalker, etc. the temptation to reply and defend myself was great. I caved and sent him a message, notifying him that I have plenty of evidence to refute the smear campaign he’s launched. But I now so regret doing that, realizing that he must be salivating over the fuel he has just received from the indirect (and even more cowardly) hoover. I wish I read this first. Thank you, HG.
You are welcome.