But Why Did The Narcissist Do That?
I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.
“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”
I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.
Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?
This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.
You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,
“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”
It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-
- You must know what has happened and make sense of it
- You want to make things right
- You want the wonderful golden period again
41 thoughts on “But Why Did The Narcissist Do That?”
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Narcissists are very mentally disturbed people that should seek professional help since they can be very extremely dangerous as well.
My spidery senses are tingling *shiver*
I love how a narcissist is always a guy Wow great sexist post… there are plenty of manipulative narcissist women these days… sit around doing nothing and expect a man to literally do everything and then talk about how men are so narcissistic try some gender neutral language and realize that the narcissist is not an inherently male characteristic
– a male empath
Hello Jason,
It is always insightful to know the points of view, opinions and perspectives of men since women are over represented here.
I would like to make some observations from my perspective ( female empath) hoping that you take it as a respectful and constructive interaction.
-Nobody has stated that NPD is present exclusively in males.There are also women that present this disorder.
-All (men and woman) have narcissistic traits that fluctuate a long a spectrum.
-Having narcissistic traits is not the same as the disorder called NPD(narcissist personal disorder)
– The main difference between people with narcissistic traits and people with NPD is the lack of empathy that the latter group is denoted for.
-“ there are plenty of manipulative narcissist women these days… sit around doing nothing and expect a man to literally do everything “
I believe that what you describe here (sit around and doing nothing )is just a description of a lazy person but not a determinative sign of NPD or a person with narcissistic traits.
I know people ( men and women) that are non narcissists and are lazy.
The manipulative part you mention is a sign of NPD but not determinative.Depends how they manipulate you and for what aim.
Female empath
Jason
HG recognizes that narcissists are both female and male (his mother is a narcissist and his father was an empath), however, the vast majority of his bloggers are females, who have been victimized by male narcissists, so he defers to the male pronoun, also, I have read countless posts on narcsite from bloggers who have been victimized by female narcissists.
Irrespective of the pronoun, I am grateful for the articles and thankful that I possess the cognitive flexibility to parse the material with ease.
Sam Vaknin-
“Most narcissists are men. This is why I use the male pronouns throughout this book. Of course, there are women narcissists as well.”
Most narcissists aren’t men, it’s far closer than people realise.
I believe it. Society has largely (and wrongly) just accepted the label of bitches for the female ones. Like thats a diagnosis lol.
NarcAngel
I called them the c-word; that was my official diagnoses. Now, I know better and I have switched it to the n-word (to be very clear: narcissist).
HG
You are correct. Initially, I thought men outnumbered women, however, there are just as many female narcissists as there are males. It is an equal opportunity disorder.
Indeed it is.
I think we are missing context here, especially if narcissists are made rather than born. People are socialized into gender roles from infancy (maybe even from before birth). Society (maybe even especially Anglo or ‘Western’ society – I don’t know the cross-cultural data) is much more likely to tolerate narcissistic traits in boys and men. Girls and women are taught to be nurturing. Most narcissists are therefore men and that is why mostly women comment on this blog.
Oops. Don’t go there. Best to quit that fucktard while you are ahead.
Yep dear my logical thinking needs to kick in 🙂
Yep, so does mine OMJ. Yesterday something I found (why was I even looking?) caused me to wander down the path of wondering about attachment (his) and guilt (mine). I could imagine him saying to me what yours says to you – you know I am a prick so why not? Bwahaha! Luckily, I slept on it…
Funny though – I had many consults with HG and although I am not where I should be on the outside – meaning still in contact and getting closer – internally I am absolutely not the same woman.
I do look at him like if he was a movie or a play – with some odd distance and dissertation.
I know I can’t think I am immune or I won’t go crazy again – but right now – I feel so distanced and remote from him.
It’s like is there is a time delay between our exchanges that created a void of emotions/ a hole in time.
Anyway – I am much better although far from where I should be to be free.
Glad you had those consults, OMJ. If mine tries to hoover, I might have to do that too because I know it will be hard to ignore him.
I took notes – read them over often – he has really allowed me to get a new pair of glasses and see all this for what it is .
Hard but needed
Yeah, I think I am afraid to get that new pair of glasses, OMJ. I need to get more distance first. I always felt like an object with mine but I don’t want to be confronted with the fact that I really was an object to him! That is one reason why NC is so important. We have to get our humanity back after they’ve turn us into objects. It takes awhile.
Humanity , confidence, sense of self worth , self blelonging , losing the obsession etc
I do notice that although I made
Progress – the fact of being back in relation with him is self eroding.
I can’t explain it . There is something in being close to them that inevitably empties you bit by bit of things you cannot always put your finger on.
It’s like losing a grain of salt every day …
Please stay NC- I really regret I did not.
Given my context with him now – if I want to go NC again – I have to be overly prepared.
I do know what you mean, OMJ, because I broke NC so many times and repeated the cycle. I think one feels strong and whole again, breaks NC and the bloodsucking vampire narc starts chipping away at one’s newfound self again, often by ignoring your personhood as a form of objectification and devaluation. At least that is how it would happen with me. Literally nothing that mattered to me would get a response out of him. So I am right there with you and I appreciate your warning to stay NC. I do hope you can figure out how to go NC again.
He is in his « let’s take care of each other’s » but never asked me what my needs are – he gives me what he think I want. Then he is really nice – the. Ok nice – he does not go far unto the dark side because I have not given in yet. Still date other guys – which is my wedge – that I won’t let go of.
My way to stay distant.
Drives him nuts but hey it’s not like if he had deploy the red carpet even if he came back.
What is the longest NC you have done ?
OMJ, I tried dating other guys too but realized each time that I wanted narc and my walls would go up. I never told narc about them because I was IPSS after awhile (complicated but I did not know about IPPS at first) and did not owe him anything. Now I am taking a break.
The longest we’ve gone NC is six months (this round it’s been almost three). We have also gone eight months without seeing each other at all, but only two months of that was actual NC. He stalked me online both times.
The long stretches were partly due to the fact that we have three countries of residence between us. I spend half the year in one country and half in another. He did not know that when we started ‘dating’ and I only dropped it on him when I dumped him the first time after realizing that he was a control freak (I second guessed myself, so got re-ensnared big time).
Fast forward a few years and now he has moved from the country we lived in together but I am about to spend months geographically close to him and he knows it. I also just found his second fake FB profile. I do not know if he is creeping me but it is likely…maybe I will pretend to be in a new relationship just in case :-).
WoW 8 months must have felt good! Almost 2 months was really great.
I need to figure out what I want .
I dated a lot and met nice man and a few narcs.
Last one I discarded yesterday – found out in a conversation he has been married 3 times. First wife was a friend- second a but case- 3rd an alcoholic … 1st red flag !! Second red flags – he does not speak on the phone in front of his son and 3rd red flags he liked everything I liked.
He is a composer – he asked me if I like music- i replied purposely I liked silence … he said « me too » i hung up … lol :)) only took one day and 2 phone calls to turn him down ! Lol 🙂
So I love my dating – they keep a distance with my Narc – It also keep my sense of self stronger.
He really freaks out on this – but no way I am going back monogamous with him – that is the big trap .
I have put up walls with love – I don’t even remember what it is. That is the sad part.
And OMJ, that ‘let’s take care of each other’ business, without asking you how YOU want to be taken care of, or intuiting how you want to be taken care of – is precisely what I mean by them stealing our personhood. We can be objects of lust, love, wrath, whatever, but we are still objects to them.
I see what you mean and I agree . Anyway – he has so many IPPS around to recycle and new ones – it’s just a big merry go round and he will not come too close this time around. He would need to be accountable and we know he can’t … :)))
Nope, won’t be accountable, OMJ, but won’t let you go either. Best to spot them before they worm their way in! Narc radar! I am trying to figure out next steps now. It is not enough to just stay NC because that has happened too many times before with no resolution. I always feel like mine has a vise around my neck. NC never feels good, though neither does contact! 🙂 I tried to explain to my therapist that he has NPD but I don’t think she believes me or she thinks I am throwing that around lightly, so next time I am printing out one of HG’s blog posts and taking it with me. THIS IS HIM, I will say!
Me i must say that NC felt good. I don’t like the uncertainty that is part of being with him.
Also – I like the freedom when he is not around.
This morning I had the blues and he proposed sex as a solution – wow !!! No thanks.
He thinks I need so much sex – he wants to give me more and more – I don’t want it- but he always gets me in it somehow .
I feel much better when he is not in my life – I love being in escape mode
I hate the uncertainty too but I think what I was trying to say is that even in NC I feel the uncertainty…
THere is also that feeling there is never a normal day. There is always a plot – a silence- a pouring or something. Even normal day don’t seem normal because so unusual – I know I am contradiction now in what I say – but I feel out of normal – when I interact with a narc.
HG – with all due respect— you and your people really are giant POS. I mean, your absolute delight in hurting others, your sadistic nature, literally takes my breath away….. was Hitler a narc too? Does it bother you to be compared to Hitler? Did you torture animals as a child also? With all your insight and self-awareness, aren’t you just a teeny bit envious of those of us who know how it feels to really love and be loved? It’s freaking amazing and you will never ever know ……
1. You are entitled to your opinion, that’s fair enough.
2. He was.
3. No. I have not devised a Final Solution. I do have a Grand Design though.
4. I am not envious, no, it only brings misery from what I have witnessed.
DBW, he has stated in comments to other readers that he didn’t hurt animals.
That’s why he says …Iam a lazy ass ….out of nowhere because , he wants attention / and wants to be praised . Shitty narcs .
This was exactly what I needed to read today.
For several weeks, my hub was being nice, and we had a weekend away at the beach where he was (mostly) nice and we had sex. Ever since we got home, it’s felt like he’s either raging, scowling, or muttering at the dog about what a worthless piece of shit he (our dog) is. He bit my head off yesterday morning to let me know he had a busy day ahead. There is a normal way for a person to say they aren’t looking forward to their work day. It doesn’t require screeching and saying “fucking pieces of shit!” about his employers or customers. That’s intimidating behavior to me because it lets me know to back off and not ask ANY questions about his day. I used to tune it out better than I do now. The reason I used to was that it became nearly constant so I went numb. The fact that he’s been nicer lately creates the contrast. My guard is down after we’ve had a nice time, after we’ve slept together. Even if the sex is just physical and unemotional, and I can enjoy it for what it is, it still harms me because I am more at ease, my guard is down after. Then the berating our dog (who I adore) and intimidating behavior have greater impact. It fucking sucks.
This is truly amazing stuff.
I found myself in this web of insanity and it literally drained my financially, emotionally and spiritually.
Like many, I had no idea these people existed and wonder “ how do they end up like this”?
It’s so difficult to think you’ve been duped and it was all a dream. I’ve chosen to remember all our “fake” amazing moments together because they were real for me. I was in love and loved what we had. I chose the scenario that he was killed in an accident. As dramatic as it may sound, it was a death and I decided to treat it that way. As tempting as it was to call him out on social media (his choice for fuel) no one would believe me anyway. He was handsome, philanthropic, well spoken and insightful. He was a handsome, insane, lying, verbally abusive nightmare. My inner gut made me feel he was bi-sexual. I’m
Not sure why, but something was off.
He lied about a future to get what he wanted today; I furnished the apartment he lives ( thinking we’d be living together) in and he refused to return anything. He’s moved on to his next victim and god knows how many others are in the mix or his cross hairs. He’s switched to online dating sites now, I think he saturated social media and women were posting he was a dog. Of course he landed these women as crazy stalkers, etc. More lies .,,
In the end, I learned my lesson, have the emotion scars and will find peace knowing what he was and who I am.
Lizzie Jane,
I really like your idea of declaring them dead and remembering them that way. Makes me think of the movie, Oh Brother Where Art Thou, when the wife tells all her daughters that their narc dad was run over by a train, when he’s really in prison.
That way if we ever see/hear from them again we can say, “No. Your not M. He’s dead. He was run over by a train.” Ha, ha! I’m going to have to try that!
I like that idea too, Lizzie Jane! And your idea, Windstorm. Going to try it too if I hear from him again. LOL.
HAHAHAHAHAHA Love that idea.
My kids know he isn’t dead though.
They still have to put up with his bullsh11
He is dead to me though. Very truel.
And yet and even more confusing … even if you comply they will find fault and provoke you.
So don’t give them fuel and they will provoke you – give them fuel and they will still provoke you … so you end up saying to yourself …
Whatever … once I told him- I guess it does not matter if I am nice or not – at the end of the day you just do what you want to do… and he replied .. I can’t believe it took you that long to catch that one …’:))
Yup, OMJ. It took me a long time to see it clearly but that’s exactly what I said to mine too. You are oppositional/contrary. It doesn’t matter what I do. I gave him examples from recent history and pointed out the patterns. I said, it used to upset me but now it just mystifies me. I had already escapted and I left it at that. No more arguing, no more questions.
I am painted white- in a semi respite – partly golden – just the nice. I don’t ask anything – I don’t claim or have demands / I live my life and he tries to hop on the train to gain control of the machine again.
I would like to close the book now – the illusion taste good again.
Red flags – red flags – red flags – « one more days she says » . Let me breath the calm again.
Him – you left me
Yes I did – you are a prick
You know I am a prick – why leave me ?
Lol 🙂 red flags red flags red flags – one more fuck – see you deploy all your energy into me having alll this pleasure – me – me – me – me 🙂
Let’s close the book now …. hummmm one more page .
Danger danger danger
Fuck me.