The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers
I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possibly associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –
- To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
- To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
- To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.
It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at you and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.
- The Wish You Well
Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.
- The Optimist
This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?
- The Guilty
You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.
- The Navel Gazer
You are obsessed with understanding who you are and regard our interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to you again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.
- The Healer
You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.
- The Nymph
You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.
- The Tourniquet
You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.
- The Old Reliable
You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.
- The Contender
You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.
- The Burning Oil Well
Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.
Do you recognise yourself in there at all?
30 thoughts on “The Ten Types of Victim The Narcissist Hoovers”
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He has sent me a message trying to ask me to be his girlfriend again. I have read the message and ignored. Please say I have wounded him? His fuel supply must be very low now. It’s been 4 weeks.
Ignoring a narcissist will always wound.
I am a 10, I guess that makes me a super empath. I have escaped and went NC (For 5 days now). The issue is that I have a public account on social media and my instinct sais that he might follow me from fake accounts and get in touch with me. I always check / investigate who follows me, now that I know how things are done by your kind, HG.
My question is – if I might not see it coming, what should I say to him when chatting from a fake account? What questions he might ask and how should I reply? He is a Greater.
Thanks,
A.
Hg – what exactly does a consultation with you entail?
You finally winning. It depends on which type you require (see the choices please in the menu bar) but be in doubt as to their effectiveness. Only today I received an email thanking me for the precision and insight I provided and the client wrote “if it wasn’t for you HG I’d have killed myself” – I know my stuff and you’ll benefit
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for helping people who are so despondent, HG.
I’ve had people come to me in dire straits, and it’s been my honor to be there for them… but I’ll never have the opportunity to help as many despondent people as you will.
No matter who comes on this blog to judge your motives, your ability to pull people up and out of their emotional drowning should never be discounted.
Help can come from the most unlikely places. If the help is enlightening, protective and freeing, then it’s real help.
You are most welcome.
Caroline you are the most gracious commenter. I always like to read your thoughts.
Too kind, Jess…you are so appreciated as well. 🙂
So, after the phone-call hoover, i am now getting malign-hoovers again. He calls me “worthless whore who is Nothing” in long, pretentious personal attacks on email. I was just a nymph to him. Why does he bother (i know, fuel), but —do narcs do this if they’re happy with the rest of their lives, is it a vendetta (justified by his internal-logic), or just venting general frustrations?
He sent me a train ticket to see him (which i didn’t take), tried to call me after a discard, then ignored my reply text. The malign hoovers keep coming. For a year now.
Somatic type.
I’m definitely a “wish you well.”
I can really relate to this now . He keeps hoovering me indirectly for months now . But when I did post a (message to me) from another man online he just wouldn’t stop texting I was angel nothing wrong with me he was so apologetic . Next day sends a weird video and kept ignoring my reply untill I told him I would ignore him aswell so he insulted me and back to the indirectly hoovers . I don’t think he wants the formal relationship again me neither . I just don’t get it 🤷🏻♀️🤣
I’m maintaining no contact now, but for the first week or two after the callous discard I admit I was number 10. :/ He did not respond to anything I said until I called him a narcissist. Then he sent an email mea culpa missive and said “I may very well be a narcissist and if so I’ll deal with that in due time.” I haven’t heard from him since. What do you make of that statement?
These are good HG.
I recognize myself in All of these.
My Narc is an Elite and there was a small Hoover event six weeks ago. I only learned about you just recently so I am bracing myself for the next Hoover once the primary source fails him. He’s discarded me last year by fleeing the country, and I blocked his phone only to mistakenly unblock him. His primary source and her family likely give him plenty of fuel, especially with their new 2 year old . Yes 2year old (that means I’ve been played &lied hoovered etc for over 3 years or more and was clueless) The biggest shock was when he discarded me by revealing this news whilst previously denying the rumors to my face, in fact the child was already one when he sent me pictures as evidence him holding a new born. I went into shock and suffered a ptsd and have been in counselling going over time lines and texts and emails. His brothers and parents are also in shock, confused about the lies and blatant duplicitous life.
He would live the classic go away on business and return home from business trips and now I see what my marriage was —-> a Lie
…haha.. I was ALL of these types.
I’m still married to that filth and i am preparing papers so I expect this will ignite furry especially since his new primary source and new b.s family are culturaly different – living with the facade in a totally different country will wear on him. His primary source does not know he’s still married, wait till she finds out. She and the child will be discarded next. He has already abandoned them and left them twice to return home to his wife.
I like your advice HG, which I heard you mention on one of your videos – to tell the Narc in a neutral tone:
I hate you NoName and you are insignificant to me! «
I’m doing all your reading to understand and already the confusion is lifted from all his lies and manipulation to keep me as the Primary source only now to be discarded.
My Counselling and your blog and videos are helping me heal from this. Thank you HG!
Once you Know you Go!
Another ‘from premise, to premise to conclusion’ post.
Perfect👌🏻
I am a mixture of all many of these but definitely not 9. I liked to tell him that I was HORRIBLE for him, that I could not give him what he needed. Still, he tried quite hard there for awhile – in between stranger modes. First try of fourth round I wouldn’t allow him past the threshold of my door. Second try there was a sofa snuggle but no more. In the end, I refused to take him back. I stood my ground. It can be done. Doesn’t mean the struggle is over but hey, fake it till you make it…
congrats! very motivating to read
Thanks Amanda. I hope it helps someone. But I should caution that it took six months of NC to extricate myself, and I am not entirely convinced that I have. Part of me thinks he will be back and part of me still wants to believe that he can change.
HG what type of Empath would be no.10?
Im fortunate I never felt angry or like I needed to vent, I understand many people do but who?
Super.
No. I don’t see any part of me in there of the 10.
In the opening above, I do see where I have the need to understand why it happened. What I missed of the red flags and if I unconsciously / subconsciously did recognize any danger ahead signs, why did I ignore?
Will I be able to ever allow myself to be truly loved again. I recall the immediate post trauma of the realization I was very wounded to the point I didn’t want anyone to even touch me, to see me in fear of exposing the toxic shame, to hear me because only the weak cry or ask me anything because I was incapable to make safe decisions on my own and I didn’t want to do anything in fear that it would be incorrect and he was not there to give me the correct path. I’ve healed greatly since then but I still have a great need to know why. I cannot hate, love, reject and or accept him or any part of his actions just yet. I feel as though I’m in a state of beginning true self healing and self acceptance and part of that for me is knowing as much as I can about what many others claim to be toxic severe abuse and why I didn’t see it as I experienced it. I actually fear what I went through more now then when I was in the grasps and entanglement of his circling madness. I have not allowed any contact what so ever in over a year and have within the year started divorce proceedings although he is evading service and doing what he calls damage control.
After I fled the situation I recall the shock so great it was like mourning a death. One thing I would repeatedly say, “I don’t want to make him the bad guy.” I no longer say that as I’ve come to realize he was rotten to the core before I ever even knew he existed.
Here’s to healing, self love and rediscovering the gorgeous amazing person I truly am. Cheers.
Corky Marie
Good job on the no contact. Maybe it doesnt matter so much right now why you didnt see it as that you finally did. After the divorce and moving forward that may be more important in preventing it from happening again. I only mention that because my concern is that you just dont overload yourself going into the divorce because it can be stressful and emotionally charged enough. You can use the search function to enter Divorce and Court to find articles to help you with handling him in court, and there is always consultation with HG for his expert advice in that area. I wish you well.
NarcAngel,
Thank you for your input. A bit off and on topic. I’m not only healing from the husband being a narcissist but realized in counseling that my childhood caretaker is also a narcissist. In fact the two of them mirror each other to a T. I walked away from her many years ago and went no contact because I couldn’t do anything that was good enough and when I did she took all the glory. I believe that’s why I was drawn to my husband. For me, I need to learn now what I missed for the last several decades. I’ll get started on the other articles. Much appreciated.
Further to my first comment…
I would be that person if I did not have the knowing I have now.
However, now I do not believe I would enable him to be close enough to me, to have a conversation, or even eye contact. He has been ignored thus far.
Admittedly the first time I saw him following the end as I call it, I was affected quite a lot, probably because he placed himself a metre away from me for quite a period of time, and I did not have the knowing I have now.
Every time I have been exposed to him since, it has affected me less and less, to not really having an affect at all.
So I guess now I would consider myself a hiatus hoover.
And certainly not his victim.
” after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we?….
YUP…. !
I would be the wish you well..
And if my mid ranger had the intellect or insight I would be the naval gazer … although it would not be a case of reliance on his take of me, but I would have been very intrigued to ask what he saw when he looked at me … good or bad or ugly … I could take the hit and use it to better understand myself and him.
I am The Wish You Well and the Nymph. No matter what happens they know that I find them irresistible sexually. Once they realize that I’ve wished them well the sexual advances are soon to follow. I couldn’t help it. Meh. No more tho. I’m standing my ground now and life is peaceful. Any bullshit I suffer is of my own doing.
There needs to be one labeled The Sucker ….because you just stupidly do it because you’re the sucker …..
LOL PBW, I agree.