Who Shall I Be Today?
We come cloaked in our finery to dazzle and bewitch yet this enthralling and alluring appearance is but an artifice designed to cater to our needs and keep that which the world ought not to see at bay.
Shall I be the charming boyfriend who brings you breakfast in bed or the grizzled tyrant that bellows from the landing demanding to know why the right shirt is not available even though you ironed seven of them yesterday? Perhaps I will be the cheery neighbour who stops and compliments the fellow next door on his new motor vehicle or do I rake a key down the paintwork smiling to myself as I feel the Thought Fuel at his dismay washing over me? How about being the benevolent boss who is magnanimous in his appraisal of a junior employee or might I be the savage dictator whose fleck infested diatribe reduces the underling to tears? Passionate lover or glacial companion? Entertaining purveyor of anecdotes or bilious issuer of put downs? Such choices.
Yet it is not just a matter of good or bad, there is more to layer on top of that. Do I regale my friends with that story of how I went marlin fishing in Bermuda to impress them even though it was my brother who went and I have taken his tale to be my own? Do I claim the theories of a fellow academic as mine when discussing matters with the undergraduates in my tutorial group? Do I claim to know much about the works of Bach because I have glanced over my girlfriend’s play list of classical music? That snippet of conversation that was overheard discussing the merits of staying at the Cavalieri Hotel in Rome and the ‘views to die for’ becomes my stay there last month. A useful review of Transpotting 2 in the broadsheets is commandeered to become my opinion which receives nods of approval when I recount it over dinner.
Why feel the need to be something that we are not? This varies dependent on the school from which we hail but at its essence remains this indisputable fact; we do not want to be nor can we be, that thing which we spend our time escaping from. Most of our kind do not realise this. They have no comprehension that a construct has been created for the purposes of ensnarement. Ensnarement of victims and the continuing ensnarement of The Creature. They do not know it, believing that their construct IS them and hence should you act in a way that attacks that construct through criticism then the response is intense, volcanic and instant. Those who form the majority of our ranks are unable to make such a distinction, unable to recognise what they have created and what they are imprisoning but believe their own creation to be them. Such is the power of delusion. They have no choice in determining what they will be today. They are governed by the instinctive need to respond as the fuel dictates and thus the rage-filled father who smashes his son’s favourite toy was not chosen but appeared because that was what was required to respond to his son running to his mother and not him. The doting son who faithfully calls his aged mother every Sunday without fail notwithstanding her dismissive treatment of him ordinarily is one compelled to do so in order to maintain his facade of decency and to irritate you when you suggest he ought to put her in her place. The quiet yet charming man who is the complete gentleman on the dates you have together is one which has been constructed out of need and is a programmed behaviour to bring about seduction. Whichever way these of our kind face is as a consequence of need – fuel, the facade, the acquisition of residual benefits – and it matters not if there is a swing from demon to angel in the space of the minute, but that is what must occur.
Furthermore, the repeated regurgitation of lies to furnish the construct for the purposes of attraction is an instinctive response. The lie is believed because the Lesser or Mid-Ranger perceives his construct as what he or she is and thus the knee-jerk boasts, the blatant exaggerations and the out and out lies about achievements, status, job, number of lovers and the number of times one has seen U2 in concert are viewed as truth. Challenge them at your peril. The Lessers and Mid-Ranger have no choice in terms of how they furnish their construct and how they respond to the appliances around them.
The Greater of our kind exert choice but it is always within the confines of the overriding objective, namely, all is as the fuel wills it to be. Thus, the decision to berate a shop assistant is one of choice but is governed by the need for fuel. The decision not to answer your telephone calls is one of choice but again is subjected to the requirements of fuel. We Greaters have more substance than our lower-ranked brethren, we have the achievements, the abilities, the successes but it is never enough. One must be better, more popular, more attractive, more muscular, more accomplished, more, more, more. Thus that which is already there was deemed not to be good enough. So there must be the embellishments, the exaggerations, the add-ons. Pilfer here, acquire there, purloin this and steal that in order to make that cloak the finest ever created. You might suggest we ought to be content with the considerable abilities that we already possess but that is viewed from your perspective. From ours, there is always another higher mountain to conquer and it must be conquered because if we do not stop driving forward then we risk perishing.
I wield tremendous power. I can be anything I want and do whatever I please. Yet, as Lord Acton sagely stated,
“Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
I have absolute power but it has been corrupted because it is always subject to another force, that of the need for fuel.
I appear as the dictator with seemingly unrestrained power and influence as I choose to be whatever I want to be.
Yet I have come to realise that I am the puppet government put in place by fuel.
43 thoughts on “Who Shall I Be Today?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Subscribe.
PS
Sending my love to the Beast; the creature.
Thank you, H.G., for sharing how well you understand the Construct. Thank you for helping me understand it better, too.
I’m proud of you, not only for your ever-clearer writing, but of your progress in understanding your false self.
Sincere regards to you and your sister.
Warmly,
Pam B.
Thank you for this HG. Prior to this piece, I did not fully grasp the manner in which the construct is created. However, I now have a better understanding. I can only imagine what she has stolen from me to add to her facade.
You are welcome.
it is also who will i be today in my reaction or non reaction. struggling to not react and to ignore the lies he has involved my son with. my greater angel is all loving and understanding that my life will move forward…my lesser angel can write some pretty shitty emails that are left in the draft folder of my emails to him. it is like it never dies when you have kids with them. i don’t contact him but he came back via my son this weekend.
pcsands
You’re spot on, pcsands. I have a child with a narc too and I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m not aware of what you’ve endured in the past, but you’re one of the lucky ones who got away (physically, at least) and that’s the important thing. I think that writing those “shitty emails” in the heat of the moment (but never sending them) is a very healthy release for you and will help stop repressed anger from building up. Your lesser angel rocks!
This is so very good. I read it three times to make sure I absorbed it fully.
More light and understanding in the dark.
Maybe it is the depth of darkness in these truths, that makes the light of understanding shine so brightly. What a light it is . The kind of light edged with gold, that makes your eyes go wide open, rather then close again.
A Long winded way of saying – ‘tis good ya! ‘
Is there a difference in the type of lies told based on the type of narcissist? I usually don’t verify what I am told (blind trust); however, I did recently with something a friend said and found that none of the details of the story matched the evidence (the details didn’t match each time the story was told either, thus why I verified). My ex was better at the lies, as I have come to realize, since I am discovering more as time has passed.
The lying is more sophisticated with upper echelon narcissists.
Thank you. That makes sense.
Just another way of looking at this title maybe “Whose Life I the Narcissist will FUCK WITH TODAY” Who will be my lucky victim?? HG do you wake up in the morning and Think Who will I get supply of fuel from today, to feed my drug addiction of human emotions? Lets get real here. Is it after breakfast? Or maybe you had a sleep over and you got some drug early in the morning? Or you have a main supply who is with you in the mornings and you wake up with supply 🙂
Omg, I’m so fucking tired of being a nothing to so many. It’s not the kind of pissed off because im in a poor me cycle. I’m doing my best so much everyday to reconstruct my mind, or thought changing homework HG gave me. Goddamnit, I’m tired of feeling like a nothing. In theory this isn’t true, but I want so badly to feel not so second, 3rd and 4th best. Sorry guys. Going around in some serious circles .I think we all to from time to time, but can’t shake the shit right now. My anger had blinded my reasoning.
Asking for some advice here because I’m really in the weeds.
Thanks.
Tammy, HG can give you the tools but you’ve got to find your self esteem no matter how hard your ex knocked it!
Think of it as a fight, a fight you will win! You are nobody’s second choice never mind third. Nobody will see ‘nothing’ when they look at you ever again, get that fire in your belly glowing!
You have got to be kind to yourself, stop the negative circle. Change direction no matter how hard. Fight fight fight.
You are not nothing, you are everything!
Presque Vu. Thank you too. I really appreciate every piece of advice I can get my hands on, and reading HG’s books and articles help, along with the homework he gave me. Simple and effective. There are still things I don’t want to look at, as in my roll in the craziness. I called a crisis line for help last night and that sent me further out past the ozone. She suggested one way to forget about him is to get another man. Omg! That is so what I don’t need right now, or want right now. I just wanted the man i fell in love with to come back. And it’s a fight everyday, tools or not, to get through. He doesn’t want me or love me. Yes, it’s on me now to learn to love myself.
Tammy
It sucks that you feel like that. I’m not great at expressing or articulating my thoughts, so I’ll leave the advice giving to the MANY wonderful contributors here who are brilliant at it. I just wanted you to know that I hear you. I read your post and it made me cry because I feel your pain and frustration. Hang in there, you’re soooo good enough!
Thank you, merrymagenta. Waiting for this moment of insanity to end. XO!
Tammy, that’s really sad that you feel that way. Have you asked yourself the question who exactly you’re feeling a nothing to? What is your comparator? I’m sure you’ll find that the answer may well be someone who really isn’t very nice and you wouldn’t want to be like anyway.
And if it’s because you’re an ssip, be thankful that you’re not top of the list, that’s not a good place to be.
Big hugs x
Alexissmith2016, XO!!! I’m not sure of what I’d do without this site. Sometimes the confusion really messes with my head. And for the first time in a long time, I feel anger. Raw anger. And there’s nothing I can do but continue to reach out. Just when I think I’m doing ok, I realize I’m not. Wow. I bet he’s healthy, loved and happy. I’m not sure of God, karma, or any of that anymore. I’ve seen the evilist of people who have lived long and happy lives.
I’m hoping though to yes, find forgiveness for myself and others. Then again i think thats a bunch of shit too. I guess I’ll see? Learn to take one minute at a time. Gather love and respect for myself.
One thing is no matter what a fool I make of myself here, I’m determined to find my happy.
Oh Tammy, I truly wish I could jump through the internet right now give you a massive hug and let you know that everything is going to be perfectly alright.
All I can do is assure you that it will be, I was in exactly the same place as you are now and I can remember feeling completely numbed by the whole experience, at first because of what I’d been through, then because I started to see Ns everywhere and thought I was nuts.
But as you’re thoughts and feelings are validated through other people’s experiences, slowly, slowly you will gather yourself together.
I carried on doing the things I had previously loved doing, failing to enjoy any of it at first. But your feelings will come back and eventually you’ll be stronger than you ever were in your life. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
You’ll find all the answers you want here. Try not to think about him or them and what they’re thinking about you or others. None of that matters, this is all about you now. What you want and how you feel. They don’t even matter at all. Big hugs and love to you. Alexis xx
Hi Tammy,
We have all done circles, loop the loop, why’s ! This is the absolute intention of the narcissist, they want you to question your reality, what is meant by what is said and done, what is the meaning ? People can carry this, long after the narcissist is not in their physical life, and if you have known multiple toxic people then it is reinforced over and over again.
I am so with you regarding what Is felt! because we feel, people, things, places, memories have meaning… so there must be meaning in our interaction with them. We feel care for them, we feel love, respect, adoration, joy, anger, frustration, resentment.
Those emotions are felt and they mean something to us.
In the context of the meaning we are talking about here it’s is “significance” what is my significance to this person? When they signify so much to me, when I feel so much for them?
The answers are within you in two forms-
If I really think about it did I “feel” love from them, from their embrace? Or did I question it from the start? Didn’t something not sit right? Did what I want blind me to what was real ( or not real) ?.
If I mean nothing to the narcissist ( because we can’t and don’t mean anything to them) then why does their opinion of me matter? If I am nothing to them then shouldn’t their opinion of me mean nothing?
We give them power by valuing them and their opinion, our significance to them. Because we want to be wanted to be valued, that is a core fundamental human nature; and the only thing we have in common with the narcissist ( because they are still human) very fine balance to be struck when identifying a pathological reality that they live in, it is still a reality for them it’s just seen through their lens. I do not feel we should dehumanise them as they do to us. But just acknowledge the difference in perspective, trying to cognitively understand this even if we can not emotionally get it, because we wont.
When you spend a lifetime being told negative things, being abused in different ways, learning what your worth is from another’s perspective, it’s damn hard to change thought processes when what Is “felt” still matches the negative thoughts, they feed each other.
What I’m going to advise upon is based in my knowledge of what had worked for many and purely my opinion due to this. This is an individual perspective and you may get different advise and support here. I would recommend that you read it all and see what’s resonates for you, try different things and see what fits for you as an individual person. Unlike our classification for the narcissist, we are all very different, and one box will not fit us all…
A starting place is general self care and positive affirmations.
Getting up everyday, washing dressing, making sure you eat and eat healthy if possible. Trying wind down anxieties before sleep, relaxation, meditations, hot bath – whatever works for you.
The absolute basics – they sound silly but so important, if we can do this for ourselves “we think we are worth something” –
That is where the focus needs to shift to –
What do I think of me?
Now this is a difficult question due to above conditioning, when your taught to think of yourself as nothing this can be a reality.
What is taught can be changed, you can condition yourself to think differently but your emotions need to be acknowledged in the doing of this- ignoring them or overiding them can elongate the process massively.
Feel what is felt, release it – if you want to scream like a banshee do it ( potentially in a remote place or into a pillow if that does not freak you out)
If you feel anger , resentment let that out, let it fuel you in a productive way, let it motiva you in exercise ideas possible, run, long walk, gym, punch bag, kick boxing class, dancing, swimming- Anything – emotions can build energy good and not so good… release it and clear it from your being.
What is felt wants to be recognised, acknowledged and moved on, we feel for a reason. Just like thoughts – recognise it acknowledge it, understand that a thought / opinion doesn’t not equate to fact and move it on.
I have a proclivity to give a lot of information and don’t want to overwhelm you, although I might have done….
The main thing to try and learn is self validation, it will take time and practice but it can be done! This is also a strength we have that they do not… ability to self validate. Link below to a psychology site with the 6 main elements of self validation. This is a known across many forums, so not just this one- it just looked like good explanation without too much jargon..
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201407/self-validation
Good luck, and take Care Tammy – you are worth it.
Quasi!!!!! Thank you. So much!!!
Yes, self validation is no easy task, but doing whatever it takes!
I’d love to actually be proud of my accomplishments and not need to be so like what about Bob.
Thank you for your help and suggestions!!!
The fog is lifting a little to where I might see a glimps of the woman I can become.
Again, I’d be lost without HG and everyone here who helps me get through this. One day I hope to give back.
T …. you are all you need to be.
You give back with your sincerity, your heart and your genuine loveliness! Just being here and sharing is giving back.
The woman you can be is who you are. Healthy self love, self validation and prioritising you will help you see you more clearly.
And you might just do as James brown said “ I jump back I wanna kiss myself” lol…
one day the mirror you face will make you smile, it will be a genuine smile- with your eyes – crows feet and all.
A smile that says I see me, I like what I see, I like who I am – I am the best version of me! She you will be proud of – she is you!
Qx
Tammy,
Guess what? You are special, despite how you’re feeling. You’re feeling this way because you’re not getting proper validation/adequate attention/sensitive care from others, and those feelings are very human and valid … but the good news is that although as humans it’s a “fuzzy-feel-good” to get positive vibes and communications from others, it’s not *necessary* to receive them, for you to feel whole and good and about yourself.
Your sincere outpouring of thoughts + feelings grabbed my attention. This is significant because I planned to take a break from the blog, and I just glanced at it before heading out for the day. Your post made me pause, turn around, and reach back to you first.
Do you feel special because of this? You should… not because of who I am, but because of who YOU are. You are approachable and loveable. It’s true! Am I going to be drawn to reach back to someone who is not?
I want you to see yourself more clearly, and also know there is real hope that you can feel better about yourself and your circumstances.
Here are a few things I appreciate about you, just from seeing your one post. After each, I will give a practical tip, because that’s what I feel led to do.
1) You’re real/vulnerable…I love how you are just being authentically you — open and able to express how you’re feeling — and how you’re reaching out to others for understanding. That means you still are a caring, warm human being who has the ability and will to connect in a healthy way. Practical tip: There are many people just like you, who need support, understanding and the human touch. Gravitate to these people more in your life, whether it means seeking out new friendships — and/or helping others to feel this way yourself. There are so many folks in nursing homes or kids up in cancer care units who need good company…or just along your daily path — at work, in the grocery store, wherever! In reaching out for better support yourself + giving that support and kindness to others, you gain internally… you strengthen others and yourself, at the same time. You’ll be more healthfully connecting and making a difference. Leave the naysayers and those who disempower you behind, as much as humanly possible.
2) You’re open to the thoughts/feelings/opinions of others… you’re obviously able to take some advice/insight/help, which is a great quality. Practical tip: whether engaging with others on this site/consulting with HG for more assistance and/or reading up about narcissism, educating yourself will help you immensely, in understanding how you’ve been manipulated into some unhealthy feelings about yourself. You can grow and learn from the hard/painful things you’ve been through, which all helps to build yourself back up to realizing the truth about all you have to offer and all you truly ARE.
3) Your post shows that you value others. Practical tip: Do things to value yourself too. Keep a journal and note all the positive things about yourself… every last one of them. Also important: counter the negative (that you’ve heard from others or that you just keep telling yourself) with cold, hard, truthful facts. The reality is much more hopeful and good than you’ve been led to believe. And if there are things you do wish to change about yourself that you legitimately do not like, change them! Life is too short. Engage in new interests/cultivate your talents/work on aspects of yourself you want to improve… but realize that you are never expected to be a perfect human being to receive he love and care back. Human beings are not perfect, nor should that ever be the goal. We all do the best with what we have and know at the time, and you can do that. You can learn how to feel more hopeful about how you can contribute in your corner of the world. But first you really have to be willing to see yourself as someone completely worthy. You are.
I’m glad I took a look at the blog this morning for you, Tammy. You ARE special and important. If you believe that truth — even when others are dismissive or uncaring — you still have *yourself* who will speak kindly, gently and patiently to you.
I’m headed out now – and guess what? I’ve got the very best company with me today. My #1 cheerleader too…
Myself.
And so do you… yourself.
Hugs,
Caroline
Caroline
That was all very great advice! I’m glad you came back and posted it, too. It does us all good to be reminded of those things. ❤️
WS~
Thank ya, doll. 🙂
Big hearts and big hugs!!!!!
Fantastic advice, Caroline. I’ve saved your post and I’m going to re-read it often
Thank you, Merrymagenta~I’m humbled that you’d find it helpful enough to save/re-read. 🙂
Caroline- I just fell in love with you a little bit more ! (In the best platonic way lol) Your awesome and every word of your post is authentic, helpful and expressed from an amazing heart. I too will be saving it. Qx
Aww, so sweet, Quasi. I’m so glad my post was of some benefit. XO!
P.S. As an aside, in RL, every girl/woman who’s told me they have a crush on me has always been of the highest quality–makes me sorta tempted to switch to the other side — too bad it doesn’t work that way, LOL! (I know it’s platonic~~but it’s still a huge compliment, Tx). 😉
Oh Caroline …. let’s slap a highest quality British stamp on my arse and crush away! 😂😉.
All your posts are of benefit to me .. and it is a compliment regardless lovely, I love your character / spirit and the heart you demonstrate here.. the fact that you make me nearly wet myself laughing on the regular is an added Brucey bonus ! Xo Qx
“100% Brilliant Brit” stamp, Quasi. 😉 XO~
Love it ! The double B , classic… we need one for you too… Caroline.. but more bespoke me thinks !
Options I can think of at the moment-
Courageous Caroline
Convivial Caroline
Compassionate Caroline
Charming Caroline
Coquettish Caroline
Captivating Caroline
Cherished Caroline
Contented Caroline ….
Take your pick or add to the list – we can get them made up and we can both have an arse stamp! Lol
Ps – I think I have given this too much thought- clearly avoiding writing up my notes .. I also highly doubt I would actually get my arse stamped ..lol .. this conversation is just amusing me somewhat and as always you make me smile lady .. Qx
Haha~yeah, let’s not get stamped. Sounds bad, like something a narcissist would want to do to us. ((*_*))
I concur! As always with many things narcissist related, upon reflection this is not such a good idea, lol…although the general conversation tickled me! Qx
Caroline, This is so beautiful! I’m definitely keeping this in my back pocket. Positive self talk and self love.
Tammy, thank you for being open and honest and reaching out by sharing with all of us because it’s so hard to do.
Thanks, Corky Marie (cute name)… and you’re right~it’s brave when someone can be as transparent with their feelings as Tammy was.
Tammy, I’m sorry! Being in that mode is hard; breaking out of it is hard. You are important. Those in your life may not treat you as such, but you are!
When I get in that mode, I distract my mind. I try to avoid the Hallmark type stuff during that time (music, shows, movies). Sometimes I will even watch things like “Criminal Minds” – scary show but definitely distracts. Anyways, once I can get my mind distracted enough from that mode, I try to think on how I can make me important to me. I don’t have great advice on that part, but it takes baby steps. Also I notice I miss the little signs from people on how I matter. I try to look at those a little more.
You will get there. Heck, look at where you are now. Maybe it is a baby step or big jump from where you were before… each baby step adds up. Be patient and kind to yourself.
Getting There!!! The odd thing is I’m not sure exactly what it feels like to be loved in truth. But thank you. I’m learning much today that there are people here who’ve been where I am today. It’s people like you and others here who let’s me know I can have a good future.
Love has been consisted in life so far and equal on the other side of that sword. It’s made wrong thinking my best thinking in the present tense. I’m grateful for ideas on how to change my thinking. And it’s hard to think or just feel pain in any given moment. But I’ve been told things get better over time and that’s what I hang onto.
I’m sorry, Tammy! You are definitely not alone!! There is a great future ahead. I have great hope. Celebrate the baby steps as much as the big leaps; forgive yourself when you take those steps backwards; be patient and loving to yourself. My therapist once said to treat myself like my own best friend. I heard someone once say that the commandment says to love others as you love yourself… that means you were meant to also love yourself, not just others. It is hard and can feel selfish, but YOU are worth it.
T
All of the nice and affirming things have been offered by the lovely ladies before me. I just want you to know that I think of you and cheer you on even when you dont ‘see’ me.
NA
Tammy,
Sorry if I’m repeating anything that others have already said. But repetition for emphasis ey!
Just to only add to the many experienced and lovely ladies in here. I just wanted to ask you one question…. The answer may surprise you, but its worth thinking about.
Who told you that you are nothing????
The answer to this question, is also where your power lies!