How Your Emotional Thinking Causes Excuses
THIS IS A KEY ARTICLE IN TERMS OF BOLSTERING YOUR UNDERSTANDING.
The fact for so long you had no idea what you were dealing with resulted in you engaging in an anticipated behaviour. This behaviour is one which we regularly rely on in order to keep you in the dark. I have made mention of the various traits which we look for in those who make the most useful victims to us. One of those traits concerns your ability to try to find the good in everyone and everything. This is a typical empathic trait and along with all of the others which you possess causes you to flare up on our radar when we are seeking an excellent primary source. Your desire to see good means that it obscures your ability to see the bad or perhaps more accurately, to accept the bad. This is how your emotional thinking once again cons you and causes you to fail to see what is really happening, how you make excuses for the behaviour. Your emotional thinking craves the interaction with us, it is selfish and wants to experience all of the ‘good’ which flows from us and to convince you to ignore the bad. Your emotional thinking does not want you to acknowledge what is really going on and exit the relationship. Your emotional thinking wants to gag logic so it cannot be heard and cause you to overlook the bad in the hope of recovering the good once again. Thus, your emotional thinking will make you issue excuse after excuse for what we do, so you remain invested in the relationship with us. Accordingly, your emotional thinking continues our control of you. It is those who are empathic who suffer from this effect from their emotional thinking. They are convinced to consider their action as selfless, a reflection of how they wish to see the ‘good’ in people, how they make allowances and are tolerant – but when you are ensnared with our kind, all that is happening is that you are being prevented, by your own emotional thinking, from seeing what is truly happening and this is to your detriment.
Of course, at the time it is happening, you cannot see it happening because your insight is impaired by the emotional thinking. Occasionally, logic might just make itself heard (only to be ignored) as you notice that a certain behaviour is not acceptable but your emotional thinking rises once again and swamps that logic before it can gain a foothold in your mind. Emotional thinking whispers that excuse for you and it is easier to accept that than go along the rocky road of logic. Thus, your emotional thinking keeps you blinded to the truth and it is only later when you have been punched in the face by the gauntlet of brutal honesty that you finally pay heed to logic and with hindsight realise how you have been conned. It happens over and over again and is all because of your emotional thinking gaining control of your thoughts.
This is something we desire because it prevents you from truly recognising what it is that is happening to you once your devaluation has begun. We of course love to operate from a position of plausible deniability, we court ambiguity since we enjoy and need to twist and turn in order to achieve what we want. If you saw everything as stark and clear as I now describe our machinations to you, you would be more inclined to escape us and bring about that unwelcome cessation of our primary source of fuel. It would also make it harder to apply those hoovers when we wish to return you to the fold and have you engage in our cyclical endeavours once again. We present you with the truth of what we are on a repeated basis but although we offer it up in front of you, we never let you see it clearly. We draw a veil across certain elements, apply a smoke screen, obscure some parts and distort others. The reality is there before you. It is evident and plain but because of the way in which we purposefully manipulate you, you are unable to see it. It is akin to us pointing out a ship on the horizon. It is obvious for us to see but when we hand you a telescope to gain a better look at this vessel, the lens has been smeared with something which distorts the view, or we place our finger over part of the lens blocking your view.
The consequence of this distortion is to prevent you from truly seeing what we are. This in turn means that you are unable to form a clear and coherent view of the person which has taken hold of you. This becomes infuriating for others who we have not been able to drag into our façade, but who recognise full well what we are. These observers tell you what you are dealing with. They may be circumspect to begin with, hoping not to offend your sensibilities but over time their increasing exasperation causes them to come out and say it straight. Yet, such candour rarely finds favour with you because you do not like to be told something about someone as wonderful as us (or at least someone who was wonderful). You do not like to think that the golden period has gone. You do not like to be deprived of the idea that what you once had will never come back or even that it did not exist to begin with. Most of the reasons why you think like this is as a consequence of our manipulative behaviour, which further foes to underline that it is not your fault. Even your desire to see the good in people is not your fault either. That is who you are. We know that and we exploit it. It is our fault again but of course in the midst of the battle that we engage in with you, we will never admit that anything is our fault. That will never do.
Thus, your view of us is obscured and because of this you will always issue excuses to explain away our behaviour, our words and our actions. You make these excuses time and time again, to others and to yourselves. You believe these excuses because this is how you think and you have been led towards this train of thought by the schooling you have received at our manipulative hands and mouths. You also utilise these excuses to continue to convince yourself that the unsavoury elements of our behaviour are just an aberration, on occasional blip in respect of an otherwise magnificent person. Your charity is amazing and naturally most welcome for through this blinkered approach you divest us of responsibility for the things we do, something which aligns with one of our many stated aims. You prevent yourself from examining further the reality of what has now ensnared you and the repeated application of these excuses keeps you in situ. We want you to utilise these excuses. We want to hear them. We want them said to us and to others. Your excuses frustrate and alienate those who are against us, your excuses support out manufactured façade and most of all they ensure you deny to yourself that which is directly before you. Here are twenty-five of those such excuses. You will have said them and probably more than once. Understand that each time you utter one you have issued a further death knell for your prospects of escaping us.
- He is just tired; it makes him snap.
- He doesn’t mean it, not really.
- You don’t have to pretend with me, I just want you to be yourself.
- He has a lot on his mind at the moment.
- Work is particularly stressful for him.
- He sometimes has a bit too much to drink, but hey, who hasn’t been there?
- I think perhaps I am too harsh on him at times, it is my fault really.
- He is in a bad place but he will come through it.
- He is a complex person; you don’t understand him like I do
- It is just the way he is; I have got used to it.
- I know it seems bad but he does so much that is lovely; this is only a small part of what he is like.
- Nobody knows him properly, that’s why you think bad of him.
- He is a popular guy so he is always going to have women hitting on him.
- He has a temper, I know, but that’s part of what he is and it’s not for us to change him.
- I need to be more supportive and then he will be better.
- He’s not well at the moment but I will help him get through it, you will see.
- You’ve only heard one side of the story; he is not like that at all.
- Yes, well, his family would say that about him to cover up what they did to him.
- All he needs is to be loved and I am the one who is going to do that for him.
- You don’t know what you are saying anymore, it is okay, I do understand.
- It was a one-off, it won’t happen again.
- I know it was wrong but this time he has promised that he won’t do it anymore.
- You don’t understand the way that me and him are together.
- You are just jealous of what we have. Why can’t you be please for us, for my sake?
- I’m sorry, it was my fault.
Sound familiar?
24 thoughts on “How Your Emotional Thinking Causes Excuses”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Guilty as charged here. Mainly via my dad. “I want a relationship with Dad so I have to respect/tolerate his wife and her behavior.” Haven’t seen or spoken to him in 5 years now courtesy of her. No contact is a bitch when a loved one is trapped by them but I can’t make him leave and I refuse to subject my kids to her. Good news is my husband’s family is full of love, care, and empaths so that helps greatly.
“We present you with the truth of what we are on a repeated basis but although we offer it up in front of you, we never let you see it clearly. We draw a veil across certain elements, apply a smoke screen, obscure some parts and distort others. The reality is there before you. It is evident and plain but because of the way in which we purposefully manipulate you, you are unable to see it.”
HG, thanks for the “out”. I’m not an idiot by any stretch, but when I was finally “punched in the face by the gauntlet of brutal honesty”, every instance of excusing him became a glaring neon sign of what was yet to come. My thinking went like this: “if I saw the signs before, and I was wrong, then maybe I’m wrong now, too.” This is BS and I know it. Now I fall back on: “The results of your actions are all that matters. Motivation doesn’t count.” So if you decided to punch me in the face, that’s all that matters, not “why” you chose to do it. The point being that you had a choice and that’s the one you made.
What makes the narc have a “tell”? He periodically said things that were true: “I’m not a very good boyfriend,” or “We’ll never have a mundane Dick and Jane relationship” for example. Why would he give himself away?
In some instances you are dealing with a portentous remark – see the article about this subject (just use the search facility). In other instances it is a provocative act or a pity play to draw fuel.
Familiar? Yes, all of the above. There’s a moment of enlightenment when you realize the difference between enticingly complicated and a narcissist. His job/ depression/ family/ anxiety/ health/ substance abuse/ jet lag/ Mars in retrograde were all trotted out to excuse his abuses. The last black eye was actually my fault according to him since he’d had too much to drink and I should have “been more careful “. When I became upset or angry, he blamed it on me and said I was the abusive one. His business failed, mine thrived to the point that I was able to escape and now he doesn’t know where I live. The abuse escalated as my career/ business took off. I thought this would only enhance his image as “owning” a successful, highly visible target. Did he feel envy? Did he feel injured because he failed? Why would he want to be seen with me if I were a failure? I thought I was a feather in his cap. Evidently not.
Ninaestralla
During the golden period the narcissist praises, uses and wants your traits, talents and successes, however, he hates them during devaluation and they are held against you.
My biggest mistake rather consistently…”he ghosted me for eight days because he was upset over being laid off of his job” “he came home all stressed out over work and took it out on me” “he told those other girls he is not interested but they keep calling anyway” “he would have come to visit me in the hospital after I had surgery but his car was in the shop”
BLAHBLAHBLAH
Hey HG,
I have a question,,
How powerful is “No Contact” against a man who assures that he likes me, but is now in a relationship with another woman?
I’m very curious
Depends on whether he is a narcissist.
He’s not a narcissist but he’s mentally ill
thepianist20,
Hey, just to add though I know your question was to Tudor.
But in my experience, most mentally ill people, especially cluster B types do not deal well with no contact, ignoring, rejection type issues. It depends which cluster he is in. There are a few mental health professionals on here. But even if he just has depression he may well find your no contact hurtful in some way. Ask yourself, how would you feel if someone did it to you? What are the questions that would go through your mind?
When I meet my Narc. up front He Said He is a loner and sex was very important to him. When I was confronting him over and over. He said He hurts those that care and love him. Also HE is NOT the monster I though he was. Then the ‘inbetween’ was Mental Mind Fuck Rape over and over. Raping my mind. Finding my wounds. Winning my trust for him to show him my wounds. So they put a spell on us. AS there is REAL EVIL that comes from them, they live on a different dimention of life . They are bottom feeders. The need to look for the shinny star of us Empaths and try to suck out the pure essence of our souls so they the Narc. can live. BUT there is a day, when we snap out of the spell and realized what happened to us. I SAID HOW DARE HE THAT MOTHER FUCKER, HE Uses US women to experiment with sexually. My narc. is Writing a book on Quanitfing H u m a n emotionssss…-sorry written funny here as I do not want a google to be connected to this-. YES MY ex Narc is all over google. So if anything is written of him, His name gets connected to it. AS once I wrote his name on a Narc. Forum and then 2 weeks later, I got a threatening e-mail from his lawyer.
WoW! Can you be more specific? What experiments with female sexuality? Any hints about the books?
I have followed you for a long time HG , I have heard and I have listened. For what will be three years I have allowed myself to wattles away, left my solid career, family for what I believed was to be true love, and I am confident you know far too well that I found anything but.. The words and promises were all smoke screens – I moved 757 miles from all that I knew, we had sex only 1 time- 4 days in my arrival and nothing since…He managed to take It all, the hope, the promises, the white dress, the wedding date and put them in a box, in darkness to never be discussed again. I often wonder why I played as willing participants of my own demise and destruction… I see now, but I suspect I have seen all along, almost 3 years of crying into my pillow, alone, in a bed that until I moved here, he had slept in…. I once asked you why kick the horse when its dead, and you told me that the horse will always get back up and that’s why you kick it still…. I’m harder now, certainly angrier – I hate him from time to time, to which I resent myself because I have never hated anyone but I also have come to terms with it… HG you have provide me strength, and I hope I stay the course as I’m plotting now my departure, slow and stealthy , under the radar, piece by piece day by day – people often ask what will you say, so many things I could say, but I suspect keeping it simple is the easiest….
I know I will survive this, but certainly not unscathed…
I am pleased my work is assisting you Emma, you may wish to consider a consultation to bolster your prospects of success further.
Indeed HG , indeed
Emma I have never hated anyone in my life. I feel so deeply in his spell. I made him a token box for our anniversary of our time together. It took weeks. I put my heart in this box, of showing him love and his worthiness of being a good dad and man. NOT knowing the truth, I was one of many. I was nothing special. He did the gas-lighting then silent treatment and ask if I called one of his friends. I was dumbfounded. He said he hated hearts, but did heart of dots on his I’s as his gf did it. The gf, I hate her too. I call them the couple from the house of horrors. He was not worthy of my caring giving love. AS he was not of this world as we know it and live it. He was a con man fraud a predator looking always for his next new victim. So my rage of making him suffer for a good year, was nothing of what he did to me and the others. Yet, I lost time money my mind and have NOT been involved with anyone since him. AS he killed that in me and it is hibernating till the right time and man shows up. They say it takes an average of two years of healing to get back to normal. But there is no normal after this. OUR senses are heightened and we are more aware of our surroundings and the people we interact with. WE are stronger and can look evil in the eye and say fuck you, you will not have me and I will fight for those who are still weak and we will help those stand till they can stand on their own two feet. It is like a war. With ourselves with our beliefs of life and spirituality a war to kick ass these narc. who are like demons. We went through trauma. C-ptsd mental madness at the hands of the joker the puppet master. NO MORE !!!
HG delivers the goods Emma. You won’t be disappointed.
True
Emma, you said that you moved to be with him, and that in all the time you’ve been there, you’ve only had sex once. We had sex MAYBE once a month for 2 years. A lot of what is written here is contrary to that – the narcs are supposed to use sex to manipulate and most are purported to be very good at it. My narc didn’t appear to want/need/like sex at all and never let me know what, if anything, he liked that I did for him in this way (he withheld sex and used that and information that a normal guy would want to share as a weapon against me). I now suspect some secret deviance that he indulged, whether in porn or in life I don’t know or at this point,care. It’s just that my well-known “need to know” won’t rest til I have a better understanding of this aspect of our relationship. Do you have any notion of why you’re not having sex?
The signs ARE there, but as HG says, we blind ourselves to them by making excuses for what he does and telling ourselves lies – on top of his – about why he is the way he is and why he does what he does.
Also – slow and stealthy is a winning move. I escaped that way and it’s now 25 days of Dead Silence No Contact. I’ll share the nuts and bolts of the “how” if you wish.
Finally, when you do make your escape, SAY NOTHING, NO NOTE, NO TEXT, NO CALL, NO EXPLANATION. I know it’s hard on so many levels, but I really think ghosting is the best course. It gives him no warning, no opportunity to hoover you back, no chance to word salad you with ambiguity and lies. You need to know? Write it off. You don’t see yourself as the kind of person who would do that? Escape by any means necessary and do penance – if that’s the right word – to YOURSELF for allowing yourself to be ensnared in this steaming pile of shit later. Just get out, stay out, go silent, stay silent.
I wish you strength for the journey. It IS possible.
It’s probably a combination of a sex addiction including porn–power, control, and devaluation. If they don’t tell you what they like and they give you no response at all–it leaves one feeling inadequate. HG is this what they want, or did I miss the target?
Ghosting sucks as an empath… It will be a battle of will , I am true to my word … If for nothing else I must remain true to who I am since I have allowed n settled so low … But do know I hear you ..
I’m regards to the sex , HG has often commented that the removal of sex is a winning move for the narc as they hold power of us , it creates self doubt and insecurity , it makes you question everything but assuredly you as a women … Prior to me moving and leaving everything we had sex , we took showers hell blow jobs on the couch … But when the move was finalized we had sex only 1 time – then never again .. To say my heart broke daily would be an understatement then you took all the broken promises and that’s when the daily death began ..
I will keep you posted : HG any thoughts
Brutal experience, however, I love your hopeful attitude when you state, “I will survive this.” I wish you the best, Emma.
As a child I believed it was conceited to think well of myself. Selflessness became my virtue. I was only valuable if another needed or wanted me. I am too tired at this time to figure out where this mindset was cultivated. Plus, I can not remember times from my childhood and often wonder if my memories are even accurate. Engaging with people that minimize, invalidate, ignore, and deny my experiences, memories, and feelings makes it difficult to believe in myself. So I guess I am still selfless, however, I realize I am not virtuous because of it. It is time to wake up and grow up.
E&L, we are conditioned from earliest age to be focussed on those who want to control us, and they crush the “no” from us so that we have no boundaries and are easier to exploit. This becomes our normal. You didn’t choose to be born into that dynamic.
You deserved to feel valuable and precious just for being you.
I feel your heartache and weariness. Be kind to yourself.