The Errors of the Ignorant
A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.
It is a common response by those who fail to recognise our kind and also have no understanding of what we are and how we operate to tell the bewildered victim that the cure to our odd and unpleasant behaviour is to shower us with love.
Note that here the timing is important. We are devaluing you and therefore you are already on that slippery slope towards dis – engagement.
If, as someone who has been ensnared by one of our kind, you turn to somebody who is empathic for advice to understand what is going on, you will fall foul of their empathic trait of being a love devotee. This belief in the power of love, whilst a good trait in itself, is corrupted to become a burden when it is added to the equation with our kind. This near slavish belief in the fact that love will conquer all ills and overcome all problems results in an understandable, albeit misguided, injunction to apply more love to the problem with the narcissist.
It is not going to work. It is too late.
This is suggested most often with regard to the romantic dynamic between victim and narcissist. The advisor fails to recognise that the temper tantrums, the silent treatments and the name-calling, amongst so much else, are manifestations of the ignited fury of a wounded narcissist and instead attribute them to something else – it does not matter what the chosen descriptions might be because they are wrong. This means that the advisor fails to identify that the victim is in the grip of a narcissist in this romantic entitlement. They also fail to recognise what this means in terms of behaviour and as a consequence they see the application of love as a panacea which will cure all ills. This does not work with our kind.
There is no issue in providing us with more and more love during the golden period. Indeed, this is what we want and as a consequence of that approach you provide us with plenty of positive fuel. All is well. Of course, your confusion and bewilderment begins when we start to devalue you and you cannot understand why it is happening. Thus, you turn to someone else, some advisor, to try to gain answers for these unfathomable behaviours, volte faces and about turns.
The devaluation may occur for several reasons, when in the romantic dynamic between narcissist and Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) but in the majority of cases it is because of the failure by the IPPS to maintain fuel at the right level of frequency, quantity and potency.
If you love us more and therefore provide us with more positive fuel during devaluation then there are several outcomes which can occur, but ultimately they all arrive at the same place; failure.
- If the problem was that your positive fuel was not stale but you were not providing it as often and as in the quantities we wanted, then an extra push of loving behaviour from you will remedy the problem BUT only for a short while. You will be granted a Respite Period by the narcissist as your positive fuel shines once again and the golden period returns. This may last for a few weeks, perhaps months, but it will ultimately result in your finding yourself in the place detailed at point three below;
- If the drop off in your positive fuel was caused by quantity and frequency issues, then devaluation has begun and there is a risk that we have begun the process of engaging with finding your replacement. Dependent on how advanced those searches are and how effective the prospective replacements are responding, even though you increase the frequency and quantity it may not be enough to save you from continuing devaluation, because of the interaction with one or more Candidate Intimate Partner Secondary Sources. Thus, loving us all the more does not work and your devaluation continues;
- The problem may not be the frequency and/or quantity but the level of potency. We have, in essence, had too much of a good thing and our familiarity to your potent positive fuel means it has lost its allure. Consequently, by trying to give us more of something we have become ‘sickened’ to, is not going to work. It is like someone becoming tired of strawberry ice cream and you turning up with a huge tub of strawberry ice cream. You will not stop the devaluation. Even if you managed to secure a Respite Period (see one above) eventually the familiarity issue will appear and you will find yourself in a situation where the potency no longer is effective, no matter how hard you try to love us and show that that love and devaluation will continue.
The consequences of this is that advising somebody to continue to love and to show even more love for us are:-
- The creation of a false hope that the perplexing behaviour we engage in will end;
- Victims will remain in an abusive and misery-inducing relationship for longer than they need to;
- Exposure to potential harm – whether it is the physically explosive response of a Lesser Narcissist through to the enduring mind games and psychological torture of coupling with a Greater Narcissist. The risk is increased of some form of harm – sexual, physical, psychological and/or financial arising;
- A complete erosion of the victim as they keep giving and giving of themselves, spurred on by this apparent authority that love will provide them with the answer to the issue and make it all good;
- A further false hope whereby if a Respite Period has arisen, the victim is conned into thinking that this increased loving has been successful, when in actual fact all it has done is secure a stay of execution and most likely made the eventual resumption of the devaluation all the harder to endure;
- The pollution of the victim. At some point the victim will be dis – engaged with and the failure of this apparent panacea of applying increased loving runs the risk of creating cynicism so that the victim feels unable to and/or unwilling to ever try to love anybody else again in a romantic sense.
This advice provided by somebody who is ignorant about what we are is tantamount to saying to somebody, “Stay in the burning house because eventually the fire will stop and you will then be okay.”
If you are in the romantic dynamic with our kind, all the continued provision of your love when the devaluation has already commenced will achieve is to cause you to be bound to us and it signals to us that there is more negative fuel to be drawn from you because of your desperation to remain with us and to try to apply love to cure a situation which has now become one which cannot be cured.
14 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant”
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Hi HG,
this article provides so much food for thought, and shows such a breadth of understanding of this topic. It’s interesting to know the process behind the writing, how the concept first became an entity in your consciousness, and how you then took time to explore it and give it form.
It has pulled the pile of bricks off many of your readers, smothered by the weight of undesirable and inevitable outcomes. Thank you so much.
I’ve been thinking today how it applies to sibling relationships, and the deep frustration and pain I’ve felt, trying everything to make a healthy adult relationship with my victim-N sister.
The words –
“It is not going to work. It is too late” have resonated particularly.
I’d like to discuss it with my Dad so that he stops blaming me, but my psychologist has said he probably won’t be able to hear, because he’ll have such a strong emotional response based on the fact that his self esteem is so tied up with projecting the image of the perfect family, that part of his brain will just go offline.
Part of the brain going offline from stress is a thing that happens with PTSD too, so I understand that.
I have been thinking about the effects the abusive relationship with her has had on my friendships over years. I had to read a lot of books and articles to learn what a healthy relationship was, and get comfortable being in one.
The withholding eye contact and affection by ex-N was the catalyst for my search that led me to you. Your writing (starting with the silent treatment) has helped to put into words so many impressions, observations & feelings, and make the penny drop so resoundingly.
It’s taken courage and vulnerability for you to embark on this enterprise as author, and you have my deepest respect and gratitude.
Looking forward to more. Any chance of an interview with your sister or article about her personal growth from co-dep? Just a thought.
https://youtu.be/7gzZEtiusO4
Faith’s Song
Gave you all that you needed
You cut but I’m bleeding
And all of my strength that I gave to you
I loved completely
You lose then you leave me
And all of my hope
I left with you too
But I gave my heart whole I did
I gave my heart
And although it’s lost
It is still beating
And I gave my whole soul I did
I gave my soul
And although I’m broken
I am still breathing
I will sleep through the moments
All the moments you’ve stolen
All for my love
I’ll learn the truth
That I gave my heart whole I did
I gave my heart
And although it’s lost
It is still beating
And I gave my whole soul I did
I gave my soul
And although I’m broken
I am still breathing
Songwriter: Amy Wadge.
💔🛡
This is spot on and totally brilliant. The love conquers all concept is used against the empath and will last in perpetuity unless the source finally gets wise. Because this is completely against the empaths nature, the empath will continue to pour in love, which makes it harder
to leave. Your brain completely gets rewired slowly and eventually the empath will resort to desperate measures to remain connected to what ultimately turns out to be a complete illusion. When the empath finally realizes the game, so much damage has already been done it appears to be impossible to ever recover. The websites that say the only way to move on is to forgive the narcissist have it all wrong. Everything the Narc said or did to the empath is intentional and served an ulterior motive that is one sided. This site has been so helpful to understanding and healing. Thanks to HG I can spot these guys from a mile away, have learned to set boundaries, and am armed to do battle when he shows back up. Finally gaining my self esteem back after years of abuse and am working on forgiving myself and myself only for being a pawn in this sick game. I will remain an empath but this girl’s heart is forever closed to parasites who survive by sucking fuel from my soul.
I’m having nightmares. It’s as if he’s still in my mind and sneaks out when I’m asleep while my guard is down. I feel haunted. How do I stop this? I don’t drink or take meds. That seems like it would lower my guard further. I passed him in traffic yesterday . He has a distinctive vehicle. Can’t miss it. He didn’t see me. I moved to a new town. It’s not unreasonable that he would be driving here but unlikely. Coincidence? He’s like a stain I can’t remove from my soul.
Consult with me and the stain will be removed
Thank you, no. It makes no sense after being burned badly by one of your kind to engage with another to the point of paying for that experience.
My reply seems to have gone to be with Jesus. Maybe it will percolate up at some point. But thank you no. To further engage with any of your kind seems pointless and illogical. Ninaestralla checking out.
Hi ninaestralla, I’m not sure if you will get to read this as this article is a week or so old now.. but I wanted to share something with you in relation to this thread. I totally understand your perspective re – illogical engaging with another narcissist. It may seem counterintuitive to do so, but I can only speak from my experience.
When I was disengaged from I was full of pain, I knew it would come because I had withdrawn and was not responding to him.. technically it should have been an action completed by me, but my care for him prevented me in doing so.
This emotional pain combined with ever presence was incredibly difficult to process. I was trying to understand what happened from my world view, I was trying to make shapes fit a jigsaw from my perspective and the buggers would not fit!
I requested consultations because I could not see the world through his lens without help. I requested this help, because i wanted to understand how the narcissist managed to hurt me so deeply, why did I let him in, how could I do what I did when it is not me..
I needed help to understand even if it was just cognitively rather then emotionally. The cognitive understanding aided my management of the emotional mindset. Before I had the consultations I was lost, trying to make sense of something through an obscured lens.
Through consultations I was supported to see clearly the narcissist perspective. Being able to view the narcissist perspective has been fundamental in my ability to move on from my time with him. To recognise it for what it really was, and my part to play.
I don’t think I am one for promoting services offered here, my voice is not required for that. But I am one for sharing my experiences, and I can say wholeheartedly that it was the consultations that helped me put the jigsaw together, in a way that made sense and illuminated what was in the dark. They were beyond measure in their worth and value to me. But this is my own experience and perspective, you will always need to be guided by your own instincts. I hope things are shifting in the right direction for you lovely. You will get there .
Thank you Quasi for taking the time for your thoughtful response. I will definitely reconsider. It’s fear that has me in its grasp right now. I’m vulnerable so I’m pulling out the big guns I guess. I don’t trust myself to stay level headed. I’m so beat up and broken. It’s now been six months and while I have good days, I’m torturing myself at night. I did hear from him recently when my dog died.I’m not sure how he knew about her dying. He was sweet and supportive. I was shaking and so upset by his text. Further ,because of a mutual financial commitment ( we co- own the expensive horse that I compete on)I need to be in contact occasionally and cannot block him. This is causing me much stress. He is always polite but I notice that he’s starting to be warm and engaging during these brief exchanges. I only give one word responses or am icily polite. I have genuine fear of this man.He has hit me when I didn’t jump high enough, grabbed me by the throat, told me I was his “property “ , tried to force me to have sex with his friend who expressed his desire to have me, and called me “ worthless “, “ needy” and “stupid “. He is diabolical. A puppeteer who orchestrated my career and made me believe that we were in a committed relationship. I trusted him with my life.He has money and power. I had the skill and drive to compete. He backed me financially and emotionally. He bought me everything I needed to succeed. Everything top of the line. Everything beautiful. When I escaped he called me ungrateful and psycho. He still holds some of my strings as I am entangled in this financial arrangement until next spring. Thank you again for your comments. I will weigh them carefully.
Hi ninaestralla,
It’s hard to see through a situation like this when you are caught up in emotional pain. You have done so well to be where you are, removing yourself from an abusive situation as you have described, was essential. I hope you do not have to be in a position to deal with his physical presence. The treatment you endured should never have to be endured. You saw and experienced the darkness and the cowardliness of his being.
Money and power are sought after in our society, and can be a motivator for many, it does not make him better. It is another part of his construct that he can not do without. You can live and survive without the money and beautiful things he once gave you because YOU are worth more then the material things he tried to entice you with.
Narcissists are magpies for traits and talents of others, your skill and natural abilities in business may have been something that he did not have, so he poached them from you.. and basked in the glory when your business was doing well.
When you speak of financial ties until Spring, does this mean you may be able to buy him out of the joint ownership of your horse? I hope so.
Please remember that his words are just that- words. They are expressed by a person who can not feel as you do. So when he is being supportive and so say kind / gentle, remind yourself that there is no meaning or feeling behind them, they are literally just words on a screen . Also When he is calling you worthless needy etc, know this is likely a total projection- he is these things, he was likely called these things at some point, as he can not allow himself to be these things you must be them.
If possible agree one form of communication- one email address if possible, as he can not monitor you in the same way as he can on messenger or what’s app.
If possible block him on social media and phone, and advise him that all business Matters and needs for the horse can be discussed via the one email address.
I closed my fb account for a good month after disengagement, as I did not want to see the crap and I needed to step away from the cycle of going on there daily, I reinstated it and blocked him a month later under advise in consultation- the best thing I did was to block him –
He was then invisible to me and I to him.. I only go on a few times a week now and I feel no need to go on it more often then that.
Distracting with work in the day is good, but the evenings and emotional thinking is tough. I would suggest trying a planner for the evenings , so every evening you have something on, or an activity you enjoy planned. See friends, go to the gym. Swimming, a fitness class… I found Pilates awesome- and lovely for relaxation at the end.
If home set yourself something new to do or learn, cooking, baking – new recipes etc.
Learn to play an instrument, learn a new language? Go to an evening class in a practical skill base or creative endeavour.. Whatever you always wanted to do , go for it.
Try different activities that stimulate the brain in other ways, even if it’s a crossword ..
mindfulness and meditation can be great for managing anxiety and thoughts. There are some great apps and loads on you tube, to be able to use an auditory guide.
Another idea could be to write down every hideous thing he did when you were in a relationship, and next to this – how it made you feel? You can keep this to hand when he sends a sweet email etc – you have an instant
reminder that the golden period was an illusion and these things were real, they were experienced in his pathological reality and this is how it made you feel.
Do not answer emails straight away, wait and think about your response . If his message has caused an emotional reaction process this first before you answer. As you are doing keep responses minimal, factual and with no emotion.
I’m not sure if my original comment was enough to explain how much of an impact consultations with HG truly had for me.
It was literally like one day the narcissist was in my head all day and all the evening, he invaded my dreams, reliving things.
Then through consultation something just clicked. I can’t even describe it properly, it was such an odd experience, it was enlightening, validating, and freeing- yes that is what it meant for me, the consultations freed me from the narcissist- shackles that I created to him. From the first one I no longer dreamt of him and I thought of him less and less, until ever presence was eradicated too.
It is well know in psychology that facing your fears voluntarily and incrementally helps you to move on and to become braver.
Taking control back is within your reach, you present to me like a very strong woman. With courage and value of self. Give yourself time, there is no fixed time for healing. Also try and be kind to yourself, you are the most important person right now, treat yourself how he could not treat you, with respect and love …
Quasi
All very good advice!
WOW . Perfectly said . Now tell it to the ignorant . lol
I relate to this all too well as I was under the spell of the narcissistic relative and his flying monkeys
Exactly.