Goodbye or Au Revoir
“Dear Victim,
Well, wasn’t that the roller coaster ride? Don’t look so miserable at least you are getting a letter. The last four never got anything at this stage, I just disappeared and the first they knew that I was no longer interested in them was when they saw me parading my new acquisition. Still, they brought it on themselves or at least that is what I keep telling myself because after all, nothing is my fault is it? So, here is your letter. Yes, this is a Dear John letter, a missive designed to tell you that our entanglement is now at an end (for now – more on that later) and that I am now romantically involved with somebody else. Just as an aside, did you know that they originated from letters sent to soldiers by their unfaithful wives. Yes, brave Johnny was out there fighting the good fight whilst his Mrs was shacked up with Johnny-Come-Lately and she decided that rather than wait for Johnny to come home from the front she would choose Johnny Come Lately who was stationed in her home town. Seems our kind did not even suspend operations because of World War Two. Anyway, I digress. Yes, this letter is to tell you that you and I are no more. The simple reason is you are no use to me anymore. I know it seems damned unfair but my needs are all that matter you see. You gave it a good shot; I will give you that I suppose. You lasted longer than the one before, whatever her name was. Something to be proud of isn’t it, there haven’t been many who have held on to me as long as you have. I know in between the tears and the confusion when you read this letter you will be wondering why on earth have I done this after everything that you have done for me. You see, it is exactly that kind of selfish thinking that put a hex on you and me. If you had spent more time thinking about me and my needs, then we wouldn’t be in this position. Well, actually, we probably would because so far no matter what anybody has managed to do, I have always found them to be lacking eventually and had my head turned by somebody else. It always seems to happen and it cannot be my fault can it? I don’t do anything wrong. I mean I chased you, made you feel special and did all the tickling, hair-twirling and sweet nothings, you got a good time, come on you have to admit it. Oh I know things went sour afterwards but I have already written to you about that, do you have to go on about it? There you go again. Me, me, me. Never a thought for how I might feel. Have you any idea what it is like needing to rely on someone else to validate your existence? Oh you do. Well, that makes it worse actually, if you do know, why didn’t you do something about it? Anyway, I don’t have time to go into all that now. I daresay you are wondering why I have chosen someone now rather than try and work things out with you or at the very least agree to an amicable split before looking for a new victim. Well, it is a fair question I suppose. I have had the new person lined up for a while. You just weren’t doing it for me anymore and I had to make sure my needs were met so whilst you waited for me to come home, dinner in the oven, or dealt with the children again on your own as I was away on a “business trip” I was busy choosing her and seducing her. She is a right cracker, going to give me lots of emotional attention, better than you ever did. Oh don’t start with the tears, no actually carry on, that makes me feel better when you cry. I could list all the things that she is and which you are not, but I cannot be bothered to do it now, I am too excited about spending time with my new toy, er I mean partner. Don’t worry though, I will triangulate you with her at some point so you can find out all about why I chose her and we may as well have a little competition where I pit you and her against one another and I sit back and choose a winner. That’s what you get to do when you are as brilliant as me, so we can save the analysis about her for another time.
I’ve left you with a load of debt. Nothing to do with me as everything is in your name, but I suppose it will give you something to concentrate on alongside wondering what has just happened. I am going to take a few household items too, they are mine after all and I need to make sure my new home has everything. I imagine you will muddle through somehow, not that I care of course, but I might pretend to care if you give me the reaction I am after. I daresay you think I am cold-hearted and callous bastard but you have to understand this is your fault and not mine. If you had just tried harder to please me and keep me happy then I would not have had to look elsewhere. You made me have this affair because you are selfish and do not think about me. It is no point digging out that ridiculous list you have kept of everything that you have supposedly done for me, I know for a fact it is made up, but then you are something of a fantasist after all, at least that is what I have been telling all our friends and families, plus the neighbours, oh and your boss and the chap at the corner shop. Well, I am not having you spreading lies about me by saying I have gone off with some young bit of stuff leaving you in a half-empty house, with no income, a load of debt and the kids to look after. That would make me look bad and I have a reputation to maintain. Don’t even think about telling tales. Nobody will believe you. I have made sure of that and I will see the kids when I can be bothered, but when I do decide to bother my backside you had better not start playing silly buggers or I will have you in court and the judge and everyone else will know about your drink and drug problems. It is no good pretending you don’t have them, I know you do, or at least, I will make it seem like you do.
Well, I think that is everything. I have left a few bits and bobs in case I want to come back and torment you by haggling over a toaster and that collection of coloured vinyl records. Don’t think about calling me or hassling me, people already think you are a nut job. So, this is it. As I mentioned, at least I am telling you it is over, so you know. See, I am considerate after all. I would say good bye, but is more like au revoir, but when I say so.
Thanks for nothing
N. Arc x”
58 thoughts on “Goodbye or Au Revoir”
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Hey guys, I am new here, but I have been reading the blog for a month now, since I broke up with my ex narc. We were together for almost 3 years, living together, making “faking” future plans for children, etc… Classic story, I thought he was the love of my life, and I was his but none of that was real, it has been a ride to Hell and back and I was totally blind to the reality that I have been abused and manipulated the whole time. He is a classic textbook narc, from what I’ve read here, I would classify him as a Mid Rage. The guy really succeeded in making me believe that I was being damaged, paranoid and going crazy and that he was doing nothing wrong and it was ALL ME.
I started therapy in order to “fix” myself, but by doing so, the relationship got worse and worse, his silent treatments were getting severe, more and more often and I couldn’t figure out what the heck was going on.
His favourite was to lock himself in the other room whenever I said or asked or did something he didn’t like, which included me making a slight remark wether he can change the music because I was tired of listening to the same 3 songs for months! and crap like that. He could stay locked in there the whole day and I was loosing control and crying and banging on the door to get him to speak with me and to apologize for whatever sin I did.. I remember one day I needed to go to the ER and asked my so called “partner” to come with me, as I was scared and you know what the moron did… He wanted to first go get a shower, wash his precious hair, but eventually asked me why would he come and wait for hours in the ER, what was his added value? I couldn’t believe “my love” would leave me alone like this and I started crying and told him that he doesn’t care about anything else but himself. He responded with coldness and called me hysterical, took his stuff and locked himself in the room as I was left numb and shocked and had to ask a friend to accompany me to the hospital. After I returned he didn’t bother to check on me and I decided that I will go out, just somewhere, anywhere , and as he heard that I was preparing to go out, he unlocked the door, came out and gave me the cold stare…. without a single word… I told him “Bye, I’m going out” and while I was in the elevator he started writing me bulshit that I’m going out on a date and “have fun with him, I will not expect you this night”… This is just one of the many many occassions like this.
My turning point was when I catched him lying to me , which was about him going out with another girl… We had major trust issues and he used to tell me that I should finally start trusting him, that he was hiding nothing from me , and when I realized it was all fake, I broke it off. I blew up completely.
From that point on, we had to live together for 2 more weeks, the first days he was extremely arrogant and aggressive, he was going out each night getting shit drunk, writing me insane messages that I was crazy, motherfucker, asshole, whatever… then a few days later he tried to hoover me back with a long message (we didn’t speak at all in person, as I didn’t want to) stating that we had a fairytale and I was the love of his life and let’s go to therapy together and how he wanted to die next to me, blah blah but I didn’t buy this crap.. Then he started with the pity games, how I destroyed him, “threw him out”, how he was devastated, I never loved him, I betrayed him, etc, etc… then silence. Then more hoover attempts, then arrogance and insults again.
Eventually he moved out. I later found out that he was cheating on me (a had a witness who saw him kissing another girl a few weeks before we broke up). I got mad again and contacted him only to tell him that I know what he had been doing behind my back and that I will never regret my decision, I told him he is incapable of love,care and he is an ugly person and will never be happy and I am more than happy to be finally free of his lies and bulshit. I blocked him immediately on social media. He started sending SMS in the middle of the night, that this is a lie and he never cheated on me, what kind of a person am I to believe the idiots around me, he called me a traitor, told me to fuck off and that he will never forgive me this ( I’m not sure what exactly) and to never write him again, as our relationship was destroyed by the lies of other people… I couldn’t believe his performance, I didn’t answer and he stopped. Haven’t heard of him for 2 weeks. Yesterday I was told by a friend that they saw him with his new girl…3rd one. Or 4th.. Or I don’t know.. Not any of the ones he cheated on me with… Yeah, right, not that I believed he would be alone and miserable…
So, after this very long post (sorry, but I needed to let it out), my main concern now is that I’m still obsessing and constantly reading about NPD, I’m having nightmares almost each night, and I feel this uncontrollable rage towards him because of everything he did to me. I am sick to my stomach! Still in therapy and it has helped a lot, but the poison is still running through my veins. I am terrified to bump into him and his new girlfriend, I literally feel like I would pass out or I will hurt him, punch him in the face or something…. I loved this person like noone else before and I went to hell for him, I was so devastated after the breakup, although it was my decision, there were days I felt I was dying and wanted to end it all, end myself, my misery… Now I know what he is , but my brain is still processing and I am full of disgust and anger and I’m having bad thoughts, I wish him to suffer and be miserable… How did you guys deal with these feelings??
Sorry for the long post again and thank you in advance for your replies.
Ema
Welcome to the blog. You said that you all only broke up about a month ago, right? A month is not very long. I imagine we all were pretty much where you are now at that point with our narcs. It’s normal to be confused, lost, cry, hate him and want things to be like they were before.
You’re on the right track. Stay away from him, stay here and keep reading. A consultation with HG would help you get answers and plan a strategy. Hang in there. You’re in the right place. ❤️
Oh boy this sounds like me with my first narc.. a mid ranger. All I can say is that time and understanding what he is will eventually heal this but it takes a good while.
Welcome Ema!
Dearest Ema
Oh…it is all a familiar story. Truely.
It is so very hard and a struggle to comprehend what the hell just happened.
It is heartbreaking hearing how you are having nightmares ..we have all been there.
It is the lingering shock and the grief of losing what you thought you had and of what you thought you was going to have.and so much more…oh..I know.
Read here. The articles will validate you..help you see IT WASNT YOU..
Please consider a consultation with HG.
Believe me Ema..he will steady your thoughts and guide you completely.
Your therepy is a good thing absolutely..however a chat with HG or perhaps via email consult is very valuable and so helpful. He knows what is to be done.
He is a great additional support like no other.
Honestly, I never have had a better guide.
He is the one to go to over all this.
There is no denying the horror of these entanglements but please believe that you are not alone. There is help and complete understanding here. There are some tremendous people that post here too and have lots of compassion and care for others.
Take heart. Small steps at a time. Xx
Hello Ema
No contact, time and accurate information really helped me. Keep reading and posting your thoughts and little by little your broken heart will mend itself.
K, I can’t reply to your last comment, I will do it under this one. I’m feeling extremely low today and I’m confused about my mood swings. One day I am laughing out loud when I hear something about the narc and I think to myself “Omg, I can finally see it clearly, he is ridiculous” and the next day I’m crying my eyes out and thinking “No, it just can’t be, it’s not possible that such people exist and that the person I thought I will marry one day, the love of my life, is so utterly disgusting and never cared about me” . It is such a strong inner collision and I guess the broken child in me still wants to believe that he is not that bad and he did love me and one day he will realize what he did. The rage and misery are sometimes unbearable and when I think of him being with his new girl, while I am alone and devastated in the flat where we used to live together, it makes me sooo very sick ! I can’t even imagine to be with someone else. Have you all went through these stages ? When will it get better ? When will I stop dreaming of him ? He is literally like a ghost in all my dreams, I wake up and I’m shaking, I can feel his presence so real in my dreams, as if I am possessed by a demon or something… Never felt anything like this in my life.
I can’t keep but wondering will I ever completely heal and not think of him, not obsess, not hate , not wait for the imaginary prince I thought he was, to come back to me, his princess – as he used to call me ?
I’m also self-pitying a lot – like “why me”, “why did this happen to me, I had so much love to give, if only he would have treated me better, if only he didn’t lie, didn’t cheat, etc.. etc…”
I want this to stop so much!!
Ema
It is awful and confusing and those mood swings are terrible. I went through the same thing. You are not possessed; you are addicted (that’s normal) and that strong inner collision is cognitive dissonance and you have ever presence too.
It took me about four months to get over the addiction and an additional three months for ever presence to fade, with a shit-ton of rage mixed in, followed by indifference. All together, an entire year.
You are going to feel rage, hate, revenge, misery, frustration, love, sadness, sleeplessness, devastation, heartbreak, hopelessness, etc. Don’t suppress them, feel them and don’t apologize for your feelings either.
You have every right to be angry and feel bad for yourself. You are devastated by the illusion and the ghost that he was. You had a life time of love to give and you were betrayed in the worst possible way. He threw your love away, like it meant nothing. You are blameless and didn’t deserve any of it.
Keep crying and venting and reading and don’t stop until you start to feel better. It is going to be a while before you feel better.
You wrote that you have been reading here for a month and you may have noticed the search bar located on the right, underneath “Knowing the Narcissist” type: Ever presence, Golden Period and Devastation of the Illusion and read those if you haven’t already. Type in Hoover and No Contact, too. The more info you have the quicker you will feel better.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Ema
Yes, how you feel is normal, unfortunately. It took me two years to get over the mood swings and crying. Being here will help. A good counselor and working with cognitive strategies will help. Hang in there. It will get better!
Ema,
Welcome to the blog. As others have stated, this is truly the best place to be. I discovered this group of fine folks approximately five months ago, five months post-disengagement. In the initial five months pre HG, I was lost and confused and felt as though my world had come to an end. I could not make any rhyme or reason as to what had happened to me. I too, began to become “obsessed” with reading and learning and I believe I have made tremendous growth due to such. So, learn as much as you can through HG’s writings as well as the insights provided by the blog members. Consultations with HG are priceless as he is very direct but supportive and empowering.
I consider myself to still be in the early stages of recovery. However, as the process moves forth, I see things with much more clarity than I did even a month ago. So, chin up, keep moving forward, and we will all get there together!
Thank you so much for your replies, you gave me strength!
Today I think I received a “hoover” from a flying monkey as HG calls it…
My ex and I used to work in the same company, I quit last year and moved to another place, but I still have very close friends there who are still working with him. I had to meet a close girlfriend from there and as I was calling her to arrange the exact time to meet, she was still at work, and it happened that he was next to her as we spoke and he heard that she was speaking with me. And when we met after, she told me about his performance. He asked her if she knows who told me that he was cheating on me, he was complaining that the whole office now thinks he is a liar and cheater and is simply not true and he can’t live with the feeling that people see him like this and that I will have this bad feeling about him for the rest of my life and I will think he is a cheater. His main concern was about the people he is working with, and I honestly have no idea why he was suggesting “everybody knows”, because I don’t think anyone else knows about this whole story. Maybe he was trying to manipulate my friend in sharing something , but she told him she is not aware and that she is happy that we are not together anymore… which I guess enraged him because as they left, he told her – ok , I go home now to fuck some girls… When she told me this, I actually started laughing because I knew that he used this sentence, knowing that she will tell me everything and maybe he thought that I will cry the whole night thinking how he is fucking other girls, but I am not and I once again see how pathetic he is.. Perhaps now he is expecting me to contact him to express my feelings or hurt or anger or whatever… ? Am I on the right track ? Is my feeling right that he was mainly concerned about what other people think of him , than about what I do and how I feel ?
Many thanks and hugs to all of you, your replies make me feel more relaxed…
Ema
You are correct. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you or your feelings, all he cares about is his facade. He is whiter than white.
Ema, thank you for sharing. You are here amongst friends. So sorry to hear this is your experience. You’ve done well to put into words the overwhelming and the excruciating.
It is an abusive relationship and it’s not your fault. He chose to mentally and emotionally torture you. That’s not love. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
Dear Caroline, dear K, dear windstorm, thank you for your support!
I read the articles K mentioned, I think I’ve already read some of them and I do understand the pattern and the dynamics, however it’s difficult to swallow and I guess I’m experiencing this cognitive dissonance. It is good to know that I’m not alone and that you all have been through this. I know that it will take a long time to recover emotionally and to be able to move on with life, but when I think I’ll be broken and miserable for 1+ more years, I feel hopeless…
It is funny though when at times it feels like I completely forget everything bad that happened, everything I read, everything I already know… For some periods of time I feel I’m willing to surrender and contact him, with the hope to have that golden period once again… But I guess that’s also normal.
I’ll keep on reading and hoping to feel a bit better. I’m tired of this guy being 24/7 on my mind…
K
I’m sure if he was going to contact me he would have by now , the last time he was over before he disappeared he was calling me his woman and I said no I’m not your woman you have a woman ( the Primary partner ) he def didn’t like that and kept trying to get me to say I was still his but I wouldn’t . I think he felt me slipping away and decided to find a new person b4 he ended up without a back up . I think the worst part is knowing that he wouldn’t leave her for me but seems to have left the primary for the new one. So when I googled ghosted after years this site came up and I was intrigued .
Fightergirl
You may be right, however, it is better to be safe than sorry. This article explains it all very well. Although it “seems” like he left his IPPS for the new one, he may not have disengaged. Be very careful dating, narcs are everywhere.
https://narcsite.com/2018/04/28/5-common-no-contact-mistakes-no-2/
My narc proceeded to discard me by blaming me for the demise of the “friendship”, then said he just realized we arent compatible after a year. He found a shiny new toy and was getting meaner and meaner by the day. I refused to take all of the blame and it upset him, and he said he doesnt care anymore and bye. I then said something humorous but was demeaning and he blocked me, on all fronts (phone, email, social media even though we were never friends on social media, etc.). I wanted to apologize and ask for the $1k back from him that he borrowed 8 months ago so I texted using an anonymous texting app and he blew up at me. Told me the text I sent was not funny, it was disgusting, low, immature, and off putting. He said to NEVER CONTACT HIM AGAIN IN MY LIFE. BYE. I am wondering if he will be back eventually or not because I dont necessarily want to block him but want to be prepared in case he isnt done. Any insights?
Go no contact to reduce the risk of his return because otherwise there will be hoovers.
I have not contacted him nor will I as I am trying to move on with my life. Thank you for the reply and for writing such wonderful articles, they are helpful and insightful.
You are most welcome
I am reading this blog by accident and now I see who I’ve been involved with . I’ve been an IPSS for 4 plus years and he has broken it off with me many many times , started out as a few days , then weeks then it was four months . When he returned after the 4 months he was pretty constant for a couple years. Then about a year ago he left with a one word message and nothing for almost 4 months again then he pops up again with the I made a mistake I’m so sorry blah blah .This time he didn’t say a word just gone , blocked me and I’ve not heard from him since April . Is he gone for good this time ? Why not at least say goodbye , I found someone else? I guess to me at least the previous times I could accept it as I got an explanation , a goodbye.
No he is not gone for good.
He did not say goodbye or that he has found someone else because of his sense of entitlement to do as he pleases and also his lack of accountability.
So then why all the other times did he provide a reason for leaving my life ? Why change it now unless he’s moved onto someone else and no longer needs or wants me . This is all very new to me and I’m confused about most of it .
Because he does what is right for him in any given moment irrespective of any lack of consistency from your perspective. I appreciate this is difficult for you to understand and I recommend that you organise a consultation with me so that I can assist you.
Also he has never once raised his voice , or devalued me in any way. Always says nothing can or will ever compare to me . I see on here that there’s devalue before discard and I’ve never gotten that from hm
HG, to follow up on what fightergirl said, “I see on here that there’s devalue before discard and I’ve never gotten that from him.” When it comes to a secondary source, especially, intimate, can there be a discard/ disengagement without devalue?
No.
“I just did what felt right at that moment.”
Oh yeah, yeah, haven’t I heard that one before….
Funny thing is … for all my panick attacks because of certain people vanishing from one moment to the next … they actually really never did vanish. One thing one has not to worry about, is loosing a narc, actually (only the relationship maybe) …
My ex lovers started to write e-mails to me now – like now, that I’m gone, thousands of kms distance between us! Ex narc was the same – had to go to India for him to start writing 10 times a day again and wanting to know every detail.
Thank you, HG. I appreciate your response as always.
Fightergirl
He’s got someone else. It’s what these guys do. I am an ipss and he finally told me he had someone else but now that I look back I can see he was doing that crap all along. It’s just for a good while I was Candidate ipss and he smoothered me with attention now I mean mothing after 3 years
I def think he has a new person , I think he’s just a coward and couldn’t say it to me or tell me goodbye . It was easier to just delete and block me but I was shocked after almost 5 years of me literally ef worshiping him and being there for him every time he needed me . It was a hard lesson to learn but I’m certain he’s gone for good because he’s never just left or blocked and deleted me until now . I just wanted clarification since I’m starting to date now . Thank u for the feedback
Fightergirl
He is probably in the Golden Period with his new source but there is always the chance he may hoover in the future. You can establish No Contact and begin dating again, however, be careful because you may attract another narcissist. This article will help you with NC.
https://narcsite.com/2018/06/13/the-wrong-no-contact-3/
Fightergirl
He’s not gone. He’s got someone new but she will become old in a matter of months. He’s not gone. The narcissistic dynamic that you new is gone but you are about to see another facet of it. Mine blocked me everywhere except phone. He does not answer texts and will periodically block me from his phone only to unblock a day later or even hours. Then guess what? Just a few days agoi find yet another Facebook profile under his name. I’m not blocked from that put his profile pic up and everything. He knows darn good and well I’d eventually see that. They do this shit on purpose. He’s busy with someone else right now so it is a way of keeping you invested without having to deal or expend energy on you
Fightergirl
You did nothing wrong. What you have to understand is that you are not a person to him. You are a source of fuel and energy that’s it. You exist to serve him but all Narcs eventually tire of the same suppty. No matter how beautiful intelligent and amazing you are they will grow tired of your supply. You cannot avoid that. At some point he will come back around for a taste of your supply but right now he’s sick of it and needs a new flavor
I am confused as to why people say go no contact , he blocked and deleted me and neither of us has attempted to contact each other in months . Clearly he has moved on and that is his right , I just wished he would have respected me enough to be honest and end it correctly after all these years . If he is indeed a narcissist I feel sorry for him , must be horrible to exist in a world without guanine love . As for me I have accepted that I fell for the idea of him and not actually him .
Fightergirl
You also have to block and delete him. That is true NC. If you leave an opening, he will hoover so he can get hoover fuel (both negative and positive) or possibly draw you back into the formal relationship.
He’s moved on for now but I’m telling he will tire of her and begin to triangulate the two of you. While he may be busy with. His new toy, he’s likely spying on you with fake social media profiles just keep tabs on you. It’s what they do.
If he dumped you in April, just wait in about another 2 months or so (cause they can rarely hold it together 6 mos without cracking) you’ll start seeing him popping in places in an attempt to suck you back in
I don’t want to say this to hurt you but likely the whole you were involved with him he was likely involved with others to varying degrees. They always have back ups waiting
Rare is the situation that these guys just leave and aren’t heard from again. It does happen on occasion but that is very rare
You are not the Primary source, therefore you are shelved. He will never discard you or paint you black because he never spent enough time with you. You are a fun play thing with no demands on him. He has no responsibility or obligation to you. He takes you off the shelf whenever he pleases or is reminded of you. Then you are reshelved. He will do this until one of you dies. You are his bauble on the shelf forever. If you get promoted to primary source then you get devalued and discarded. It makes sense. Hg discusses this.
Mmg, great explanation of how the narcissist ‘treats’ victims. I’d surprised the MRN when I said that I was not some toy you can put on a shelf and take down to play with whenever it suited you. This was a few years ago and I was using the “language” before I even knew it existed! Maybe there is some truth in genetics carrying what was “learned” through ancestors in some way.
I’m speechless 😶
It’s so frustrating iv just dumped 24 stone of lies contradiction and evil.
One month now I just went no contact after another another another silent treatment and exhausting name calling.
It is chilling reading such things as you do see a lot of what they do and how calculating it is.
I’m glad I didn’t have this relationship when I was younger or I’d have gone to war with him,I know the odds are against you but hey I’m stubborn.
Im fact he’s mooching around my apartment ( I was planning a move for a year and he moved on the apartments behind mine)
I did not want this but he didn’t care,so now he’s slandering me to anyone that will listen and trying to get my attention by sat outside and sending stuff back thru the post but I’m ghosting him.
Not to be a horrible person
But SURVIVAL as he’s a rotten b astard.
I can’t believe I let him allow me to become mentally disoriented and my diabetes was scarily unhealthy.
He had all the tricks of a malignant text book.
So yeah I’m keeping out of his way for my own health as I don’t want to give him an ounce of energy from face to face.
I’ll be honest iv lost weight now got platinum blonde hair changed my fashion
Just so if he sees me from afar he won’t know it’s me.
Also I look better something I couldn’t concentrate on with the time he took from me even when I was with him but hey that’s how they roll isn’t it.
Yes this is the worst part.I got nothing but a hang up on the phone ,no explanation ,no reason ,just like I never existed .Zero contact for months .Unfortunatley it was me who sent him an email after what he did.It makes no sense ,why I would be so pathetic ,until I came here.
Thankfully I found this blog, it helped me see things and spot the glaring similarities between his behaviour and HG s insights and why I kept asking why why but never ever got an answer ,just a friendly response like nothing ever happened between us.Like I was an old college acquaintance or something.
I sent angry emails,begging emails ,tearful ones omg cringe.
Until now .
Thank you HG
Hi Kiki, be kind to yourself.
I read that ‘in a war zone there is no such thing as normal behaviour. A person does whatever they need to to survive’.
Please don’t refer to yourself as pathetic, you are a precious person who loved, was trampled on, and was in survival mode.
I have trample marks too.
Thank you Caroline it is so nice to hear that and feel that support.
Kiki
It is ok, we have all been there and done that.
This paragraph is an excellent example of gaslighting (rewriting history)
I kept asking why why but never ever got an answer ,just a friendly response like nothing ever happened between us.Like I was an old college acquaintance or something.
https://narcsite.com/2017/07/17/the-gaslighting-twenty-4/
You will not get closure/answers because he wants to keep drawing fuel (both positive and negative) from you and keep the door open for potential re-ensnarement. Keep up your no contact and you are not pathetic BTW; you had no idea what you were dealing with.
https://narcsite.com/2018/05/24/closure-denied-6/
Thank you K
It is such a relief to understand that this behaviour is abusive ,that it isn’t my fault or that I did something wrong.I searched through dozens of sites ,but none seemed to get it.It was all move on or get your ex back rubbish.
When those questions are swirling in your mind and prodding and poking it wears you down. When that total shift in your reality occurs I cant describe the pain it caused.The person you truly loved (I hate even admitting that ,turns into a cold cruel calculated stranger in 24 hours Im currently in another silent treatment but I’m determined it will be the last .its like a tormenting shadow that I’m finding so hard to remove because I didn’t want to believe I meant nothing ,it was an illusion .
I am so glad I found this blog and the support here.
It really helps with those unanswered questions and the feeling you are not the only one who endured this hell.
This might sound crazy but I always remember when I first met him I couldnt look him in the eyes.Something made me uncomfortable ,like I was being carefully assessed .The look vanished in a nano second to brilliant charm and smiles but I never forgot that instinctual uneasy feeling in my gut.
You are welcome, Kiki
This is the best place to be and you will find all your answers here. You were targeted and it wasn’t your fault. Like you, I searched quite a few sites before I found HG on YouTube and I knew it was the best place to be almost immediately. You are not crazy and you need time and accurate information before you can even begin to get better. You do not just “move on” and you certainly don’t want to win him back.
The pain is indescribable and you are probably surrounded by people who have no idea what you are going through or don’t even care enough to listen to you. It is a very lonely feeling and compounds the abuse and the desperation that you must be feeling.
If you keep reading, you will replace your emotional thinking (ET) with logical thinking (LT) and that will help you understand what you are really dealing with and set you free.
These articles may be helpful and, please, disregard the ones you may have already read.
https://narcsite.com/2018/05/30/the-golden-rules-of-freedom-no-1-2/
https://narcsite.com/?s=devastation+of+the+illusion https://narcsite.com/2018/05/13/the-stare-7/https://narcsite.com/2018/05/01/everpresence/
You are correct; you were being carefully assessed for fuel, character traits and residual benefits (Prime Aims).
There is a search bar on the upper right, located under “Knowing the Narcissist”, type: prey into the bar and read that article.
You are not alone and many of us have been through hell and back. There are so many supportive people here for you, any time, day or night. I am happy you are here with us.
I noticed that even though the narc discarded me blocked me on social media that he blocked and unblocked me from his phone. I can tell when he has done it without even sending a message. In the past I would text and then notice he blocked me then sometimea within even 1 hour he unblocks sometimes it would be a day and then he would unblock me never saying a word. Are Narcs really that wishy washy ?
What is the purpose in that post discard ?
Those are passive hoovers designed to provoke you into contacting him.
HG
I have another question. Do you ever sense of frustration in dealing with folks and the failure to accept and understand what a narcissist is?
I ask this because sometimes I would think about you and the narc both and think god you are a cool dude why can’t you just freaking be normal and I wonder if you think to yourself “why don’t you morons get this that you are an appliance! Why do you continue to try when I tell you over and over that we do not attach!”
I was wondering if you or any narc experiences that frustration or has those thoughts
No, since I fully understand why people struggle with the concept.
Lord have mercy here we go again. A couple of weeks ago the Narc resurrected a profile from 2012 real name I block it. A few days ago a mutual friend brings up the name of the ipss saying how she seems to have disappeared mind you this mutual friend knows nothing about the Narc and I being romantic though she may have suspected it. She mentions her and I act like I don’t know who she’s talking about and change the subject.
Now today I get a friend request from someone I don’t know with the same last name as a mutual friend of the Narc and I. I see we have 1 mutual friend who happens to also be friebds with both the Narc and I but she has 2700 friends which means she just likely accepted this profile without any research
Do we think this is all a coincidence ? This profile is from 2013 I feel like the Narc ressurrected yet another old profile changed the name to one I’d know then friended a mutual friend that he knew would accept all requests knowing full well I would likely think this is someone I know.
HG what are the odds this is him again? Is this far fetched even for a narc or would this be standard operating procedure this all after I noticed he unblocked me from his phone but not social media
HG normally I would see that as quite logical but this occurred sometimes after sending him several texts then he’d block them a few hours later unblock. To me it seemed like some corrective devaluation or discard or something because I was giving him fuel and he blocked me only to change his mind a few hours later. It was totally bizarre. Would that really be considered a passive hoover? I didn’t even think of that. I saw as him being pissed off that I texted him
Lori
Are you still in the formal relationship? If not, any interaction outside of the FR is a hoover.
Corrective devaluations are only issued to secondary sources during the course of the FR.
To my knowledge, I have been discarded. He has me blocked all over social media although yet another profile has surfaced and I blocked it. He doesn’t not respond to my texts but will block me then unblock me from his phones. I just don’t text anymore why would I ? He doesn’t answer. I just couldn’t figure out why he would block me after texting him only to unblock me.
I am an ipss and I guess per HG s definition since I’m mot blocked from his phone but since he doesn’t respond to texts I would see that by definition that would make me a shelf ipss in corrective devaluation but he’ll I don’t know. I just know it feels like discard to me
Lori
If you think he has disengaged, then he is just looking for hoover fuel. Ignore him and go NC.
This is the equivalent of the annoying teenage boy flicking the lightswitch on and off rapidly & repeatedly to get your annoyed attention .
He’s saying “look at me, look at me, look at me…” but wouldn’t admit it.
I used to get stupid texts in the morning that gave me the impression of a dog outside jumping up at the window to get attention. It was so immature from a grown man. It made me laugh after I got over the annoyance.
Well well, glad I’m away as much as I can be from that he’ll hole… even with child 🙏 Good luck new toy; soz I mean girlfriend. It’s going to be a fun ride 😉