The Eight Exploitations of Empathy
You are an empathic individual. This is why we chose you. This is why we want people like you because you have certain traits which appeal considerably to us. You have traits which are ripe to be exploited by us and only someone like you can provide such an opportunity to our kind. You have certain traits which we need to exploit for our own purposes; these are eight of them
1. Trust
You cannot operate without trust. You trust us with your heart from the very outset. You readily give it to us and allow us to place our hands around it. You trust us to keep it safe and protect, unaware that our nefarious hands covet the provision of your heart. Your trust is absolute and unconditional and this enables us to exploit it repeatedly by doing as we please,acting behind your back and breaching your trust over and over again. Your reaction when you learn of our breach of this sacred trait is enormous and fuel-filled and the driver behind our need to take and shatter your trust. The concept of trust is so inviting that even though we will fracture it, we will endeavour to repair it and win it back just so we can breach it again.
2. Honesty
Your openness and honesty results in your signing your own fate by furnishing us with so much information about yourself. From your hopes and desires through to your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. You are content to detail it all to us as you live by a code of honesty, always wanting to tell the truth and for the truth to be provided to you. We know you operate by this trait and we will feign to be an honest person at the outset, free with our expressions of how we truly feel about you. How more honest can we be than to tell you that you are the person we have waited our whole lives for? Yet, honesty is for you and never for us because we operate in the shadows of dishonesty. Your honesty may be a strength in your eyes but to us it is a weakness as you have opened yourself up before us, exposing yourself to us, showing your neck to us as our forked tongue slides across our sharpest teeth.
3. Decency
You must always do the right thing. To do anything else is anathema to you and we know that this attribute of yours leaves you susceptible to our many machinations. You are polite and well-mannered. This means that you will accord with our initial overtures and listen attentively to whatever we say. You accept graciously our gifts, not realising that they are bribes to ensure you become chained to us. You always answer our calls, reply to our messages and open your door when we appear, not matter how often or how unannounced. This requirement to be civil and decent allows us to frequent you to such a degree that our charm is in and around you so often that you have no chance other than to succumb to it. You will not turn away, you will not slam the door in our faces but instead give us the toehold and time of day to weave our malign magic over you and seduce you.
4. Equality
You expect to be treated as you treat others and when the devaluation eventually commences and you find that such concepts as consideration, reciprocity and equality of treatment are missing, your alarmed and emotional response is the engine for the fuel we need. You operate by the maxim of do unto others as you would have them do unto you and thus you treat us with love, affection and kindness. Its absence by return causes you considerable consternation and upset, which enables us to draw the fuel from you in significant amounts.
5. Fidelity
To be faithful and receive fidelity in return is of significant importance to you. Your own dedication to the ideal of faithfulness means that we have little concern that you will have your head turned by others, no matter how badly we treat you. You will not transgress this ideal, even though you may suspect or even know of our own flagrant disregard for the concept of fidelity, you will remain true to it. It pains you, it hurts you but as a person of principle you will abide by it. You do not do this through any notion of pride or to seek some kind of accolade, but you do it because it is part of you. A constituent part of your moral fibre and full in the knowledge of this sterling attribute of yours, we shall do as we please with little concern that you will treat us in the same way.
6. Tenacity
You do not give up. You exhibit an indefatigable spirit which invades every element of who you are. You will not give up on the idea of you and me. You will do whatever it takes to please me, to win back my golden grace which you once delighted in. You will hang in there determined to ensure we get back on track. You will not walk away because to do so would be to admit failure and this is not something that you can countenance. No matter how bad the abuse, no matter how terrible your treatment, you will cling on as a consequence of this trait. We are well aware of this and welcome such a tenacious approach, for it provides with a guarantee of your attention and support.
7. Healing
You desire to heal and to fix is perhaps one of your most notable traits. The desire to nourish the good in people and bring it to the fore. You believe that everybody is capable of becoming better, including yourself which is why you are so selfless and giving. You strive to find the ways of making a situation better for somebody, you want to make the sad person become happy, the worried person calm and to ease the concerns of all you come across. Most of all you want to fix us because you believe we can be fixed. We will not disavow you of such a notion, not at all, it serves our purposes to keep you thinking that you can make a difference.
8. Loving
Your love is immense. Unconditional, vast and seemingly unending. Like the largest reservoir, your love is that which we must ensnare and once achieved we drink from it with an unending thirst. You are devoted to the idea of love and we will exploit this repeatedly. We exert control over you by suggesting to you that you must not love us if you will not do that what we want. We test your love for us by placing immense demands upon you knowing that you will always rise to the challenge. Your love for us is such that it is sweeter than that which might be obtain from others but it also remains intact for far, far longer. It endures the torrid devaluation and the heartless abandonment so that we know we can count on being able to come back once again and take hold of your love yet again for our own unsavoury and malicious purposes.
30 thoughts on “The Eight Exploitations of Empathy”
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Let me preface: I know this is a dumb question, Is it possible to have a relationship with a Narc that won’t go sideways….as long as you know what you know about a person (key) if that person is truly honest…& is honest about his Fuel Matrices, the fact he will never be faithful….Surely, someone who can see themselves as you do HG, it must be possible to…have a relationship that is unique and self serving perhaps but still allows for growth, and development.
It seems a Narcissist is desperately in need of Love…just not in our sense of the word. I welcome feedback if not just to tell me I am an idiot….it’s would seem that you really know yourself HG that’s got to account for something…
1. The majority of narcissists are Lesser and Mid Range, 98% or so, they do not know what they are, cannot know what they are and never will. Therefore they cannot be honest with regard to the matters you raise.
2. The balance are Greaters and see no necessity to make mention of the things that you raise,since that would cause a transference of power.
3. Love is fuel to us. That is what matters.
Eight months No Contact and last week we accidentally (?) ran into each other. After we made eye contact my legs began shaking so badly I thought I would collapse. We briefly chatted. I had evolved and gained knowledge/power; he looked defeated and forlorn. I felt his pain. I knew with one false move I could relieve it all – he needed me. And with his door wide open, I walked the opposite way.
Never underestimate the power of the Narc, even after you’ve battled to move on. He called me at work to tell me he loved me? When you love someone you can’t go one day without telling them that. It’s all lies. I realized I had power.
This is so dead on. Well put. I am grateful to HG for exposing and helping us understand not only the narcissist but also exposing ourselves. I have learned so much about nature of people through this blog and thanks to this I am slowly accepting/embracing our empath nature and all the “weaknesses” that it represents. I’d rather not be anything else.
Well, hell. I feel mildly exposed.
It is gratifying to know some of your kind aren’t utterly oblivious to the havoc you’ve wrought on those of us so relentlessly determined to help the hopeless. That the lower tier mid-range and lesser narcissist outright do not comprehend how insidious their nature and reflexive actions are is maddening. At least the higher functional mid-range and greater are cognizant in this respect, and have the capacity to recognize that they’re deliberate in their manipulation. Which, I realize, may not ease the sting for some, but awareness beats the snot out of utter obliviousness to me. Insidious though the intent may be, knowing that you know what you’re doing and choose to deceive rather than accept accountability is… oddly reassuring. It probably shouldn’t be, but having that awareness and conscious intent indicates to me a level of self-awareness that seems difficult to come by in the realm of narcissism. This doesn’t entail a will to change your ways by any measure, rather adds a depth of understanding it seems the lesser and mid-range lack. Some play dumb only to get a rise out of the empath (for the lulz/fuel), some genuinely are dumb and cannot begin to fathom their ineptitude. The latter explains too many of my relationships, ugh.
The greater narc I have been involved with. did something horrible today. It was great to read this post to help me understand what was happening. He wants my emotional reaction from not giving me equality.
I am reading this over and over again:”You expect to be treated as you treat others and when the devaluation eventually commences and you find that such concepts as consideration, reciprocity and equality of treatment are missing, your alarmed and emotional response is the engine for the fuel we need. Its absence by return causes you considerable consternation and upset, which enables us to draw the fuel from you in significant amounts.”
I am ignoring him. He will not get any emotional reaction. FUCK HIM.
“FUCK HIM!” – Outstanding!
“… such concepts as consideration, reciprocity and equality of treatment are missing…” I wrote a relationship manifesto detailing the requirements for a relationship of any nature that I had any control over – friend, close friend, intimate partner, etc. and the requirements for moving closer at each level. Each one of those things is on my list of requirements. As you can probably surmise, they were missing in my relationship with the narc, too.
One issue that has come up is that I don’t have much ego about my so-called “title” nor do I usually care much about others’ opinion of my knowledge, skills, abilities, etc., so insisting on intellectual equality or arguing with deluded idiots seems like too much trouble, and I just let it go (let them think what they want).
I guess it’s more about action – respectful treatment of me as a person, an equality of valuing one another and reciprocity of effort in the relationship.
Something that has occurred to me over the last couple of days: If the narc mirrors ourselves back to us, and we fall in love with that projection, then aren’t we (victims) the actual narcissist, as in classical mythology: that youth that was so infatuated with his own reflection that he wasted away beside the pool that was reflecting his image, leaving nothing but the flower that we call narcissus today?
Separately, if victims/empaths/co-dependents mirror the narcissist and his interests, values, opinions, etc., in order to be loved and cherished, in pursuit of the “perfect love”, then what are we really in love with? We create an illusion to get and keep their interest and the narc is doing the same thing, albeit for another purpose. Different sides of the same coin? Any insight on this dynamic would be much appreciated. I think I think too much….
Kelleygurl116
I agree. More alike than most care to think. I have referred to it as the ego of the empath which many take offence to, but if you look at it objectively there is little denying it. You have to of course be brutally honest and at peace with yourself, and further along in your journey to identify it, and thus the vehement denials.
@NarcAngel there can be no denial of what IS and no offense taken to the truth – we are inescapably engaged in this dance. One needs the other to perpetuate the dynamic of the relationship. Brutal honesty is a primary defense after this delusion – and if we don’t see it, then we’re doomed to repeat it. I’m not suggesting that the victims of whatever stripe cannot happily and productively exist without a narcissist, but rather that the victim needs to be self-aware of their own proclivities to avoid future entanglements.
Yes the empath craves validation just like the narc .
I know I do and I tick all the empath boxes .
Not wanting to give up , that one is the hardest .
Wanting to believe we meant something , because if we didn’t it crushes us .However that is why we are weak .We are not strong enough in our own self , we are damaged too I think ,
Great work HG
Kiki do you love me ?! Cause I want ya and I need ya. Hahaha
Oh kiki darling, I was singing that’s why I forgot to tell you my opinion about your comment. I think empaths are strong enough and not damaged. Note this as I like you to have a positive self talk, to support me when am down.
it used to hurt me to think my relationship with the narc didnt mean anything 🙁 but then i realzied it wasn’t real so who cares what it was. I learned from it
Tenacity in abundance 🙁
HG you hunt the empath – which is your preferred empath – who gives THE BEST FUEL – codependant?
In your own personal life – have you had more or less of one type of empath?
Like for eg, I have a type. You must do too? Or not?
what is your narc type?
I think I have engaged with both low, mid, and greater narcs. I think the greater is scarier because he has more minions that he can deploy to attack. he has more power to harm 🙁 I need to run
First go-round with middle mid-range (lol “You’re SO common!”). Second go-round with mid-range cerebral victim/guru. Both times escaped (ghosted the bastards). Not easy to judge their level of self-awareness either time.
I am all of these. Despite all of the evidence in front of me I still question what he is. It started as a secret, a real one, bringing me into an abusive relationship that I did not fully comprehend. I believed I could help, was honored that I was trusted. Was honest. Was faithful. And everything was so horribly twisted. I still blame myself. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can look back back and tick off the red flags one by one. I blame myself for not trusting my gut and putting firm boundaries in place.
All that, and then some. What is he? A mid-range cerebral victim/guru narc. I as honored to be taken into confidence, “trusted”, raised to a special level, given a title. I believed I could – and actually did – make his life, and that of his children, worlds better. I saved his life over and over, on any number of levels. I was faithful. Devoted to the idea of “us” and never gave up, despite the shifting sands of what I was to him, despite the goal post being moved constantly, despite the unkept promises of “it will be better LATER” , at some time in the future (usually in 3 month increments) that would come and go with no change but a new someday being offered. Why did I believe it, why did I keep hoping, why did I keep drinking the kool-aid? Because I never give up, and I don’t like to lose. Why did I disregard the red flags? A hidden damage of my own – a periodic appetite for self destruction and an ongoing failure to see things as they are, and not as they COULD be. The curse of a flexible mind and a devoted heart. Magickal thinking? Maybe. Self-blame doesn’t fix it. Self-love does. Day 31 of the Drop Dead Silence of No Contact. Not one more keystroke, not one more word, not now, not ever.
Excellent. I loved this: “Not one more keystroke, not one more word, not now, not ever.” I need to do the same. keep strong!
ALSO , NOT SURE YOUR KIND CHOOSES EMPATHS . POSSIBLY THEY CHOOSE YOU SO THEY CAN LEARN HOW TO NOT OVER FEEL . IT’S VERY EXHAUSTING AND TOO HIGHLY SENSITIVE PEOPLE TOGETHER SPELLS – TIRESOME .
JUST IN CASE , DON’T BOTHER TRYING TO KILL ME , I’M ALREADY DEAD .
BY THE WAY , FEW ADULT PEOPLE TODAY FALL FOR LOVE BOMBING . THEY JUST FIND THE EFFORT ENDEARING .
BEING ORDINARY IS JUST AS WORTHY AS NOT , AND CAN BE SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE ONCE ACCEPTED .
respectfully, I disagree. Love bombing is exactly as HG says it is, and to those of us who are susceptible to narcs, our wiring makes it much more than “endearing”. Those of us with the dream of “perfect love” aren’t satisfied with “ordinary”, either in ourselves or in our intimate partners. The problem is that with narcs, there is no comfort because there is no solid ground, ever.
SORRY , JUST A THOUGHT , SOUNDS LIKE NARCISSISTS ARE THE APPLIANCE SINCE THEY RUN ON REGULAR INPUTS OF FUEL .
PS , WE ALL SEEK POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT , YOUR KIND JUST WORKS TOO HARD TO GET IT . NOT SURE IF YOU ARE A SOCIOPATH , THEY DON’T NEED FUEL . THEY DON’T NEED MUCH .
I believe from an empath perspective that our pouring out love for your kind, and the part of not giving up comes from magical thinking that we never grew out of from a child. We, the faithful servants to anyone who needed us, thus becoming door mats and not learn how to love ourselves, set boundries and learn how to heed the red flags.
Thankfully growing up now. And it’s a very strange feeling to learn cool, hard logic.
Can hardly wait for another consult!
you are right. we need to work on creating boundaries.
“Welcome everyone to Doormats Anonymous…”
“Hello, I’m Corky Marie and I’m a [recovering] doormat.”
I just stated this the other day, “I’m so damn tired of being every ones’s doormat.”
It sounds mean and troll like, but for me, it’s so true. Btw, are there any support groups formed which help with recovering from Narcissistic / Psycopath Trauma?
Boundaries *rollseyes* my problem with boundaries is wanting to make sure everyone else is happy and so I [ most of the time unknowingly] move the boundaries. Hell … most of the time I remove the boundaries and we all pretend it never existed.
Gotta create the boundary and plant it so deep in the ground that it cannot be moved and so strong it cannot be destroyed by my overtly emotional self or the predators.
With a sign of logic …
“Stay out of my hoola hoop.”
what helped me to create boundaries was the smear campaign from the narc. I lost all my friends. I realized losing my friends was not that bad. I am not scared now of people being pissed at me and people not liking me. It was very liberating. Anyone else?
My god! I am such an empath!!🤢🤮