The Narcissist’s Reality Gap

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The Lesser Narcissist. Whether it is the out and out loser that is the Lower Lesser, the usually useless Middle Lesser or the successful but overbearing bully that is the Upper Lesser, the three have certain common traits. One of these traits is their delusional state. The Lesser exists in a bubble convinced of his or her good looks or innate strength or irresistible sexiness. They think everybody likes them, they think if you don’t then you must be an idiot and you are not worth bothering with. They believe themselves to be great at sport, or writing, or whatever hobby and if they do not win or receive an accolade well the game was fixed, the paint was the wrong sort or the judges are retarded. After all, anybody who cannot see that the Lesser is a swaggering champion, well, they must need their head seeing to, right?

The Lesser cruises through life doing what he or she wants, taking whatever they want, behaving as they please and nobody is allowed to stop or interfere with this god-given right. They are completely oblivious to their shortcomings – that bloated beer belly just shows a certain joie de vivre, going bald is a sign of virility, wearing that same jacket is a mark of classic attire. Their narcissism enables them to maintain their perceived superiority (where often none exists) through the application of this delusion. They just do not see their failings, their inadequacies and failures. The self-defence mechanism of the Twin Lines of Defence will either deny any such failing or deflect it away by ascribing it to being the fault of someone or something else. Thus, the Lesser escapes culpability, maintains superiority, gathers fuel and barrels through his or her life wreaking havoc all around and never suffering consequences.

Now, the fuel crisis will cause the bubble to burst, but this article is not about the effect of the fuel crisis but rather the reality gap. When fuelled, the Lesser suffers no reality gap whatsoever. He or she is oblivious and served totally by the delusions of their narcissistic perspective because that is what enables them to exist and function.

What then of the Greater? There is no doubting that the Greater can point to substance to support those bold pronouncements. Look at the money, the high status career, the successful public life, the adoring crowds, the power that is wielded, the records made, the books sold, the art created, the countries invaded, the factories opened, the gadgets invented and the elections won. From captain of industry, Olympic champion, pop star, politician, royal, leader, spin doctor, fixer, striving executive, acclaimed actor, feted artists through to hundreds of other positions and roles, the Greater populates the higher echelons of achievement. His or her narcissism has enabled such an ascent. With no sense of remorse, no conscience, the desire to be the best, a total belief in one’s ability, a sense of entitlement and operating with absolute expediency it is little wonder that the Greater narcissists clamber into these positions.

Is there delusion with the Greater? Indeed and it manifests in the form of embellishment and exaggeration because the innate paranoia of the narcissist means that it is never enough. He may be popular but he sees that he is immensely popular because the narcissism demands it. The narcissism enabled him to scale the heights of political power to begin with and then feeds the need to stay there and want more and more and more because non sufficit orbit terrarum.

Thus the Greater will have considerable power but sees its reach as being even further. He has wealth but embellishes its degree. The narcissistic perspective insists on there being a reality greater than there is. It is even better than the real thing. The combination of that which has been achieved and the belief in added achievement results in the application of power on a tremendous scale, which in turns feeds the narcissism. Round and round it goes. There may be a reality gap, but similar to the Lesser, it is not apparent to the Greater save when the effects of a fuel crisis manifest.

What of the Mid-Range Narcissist? He or she can also achieve. Not on the scale of the Greater but beyond the Lesser. The Mid Range Narcissist, particular Middle Mid Range and Upper Mid Range will secure success, good jobs, excellent incomes, academic achievements, sporting achievements and so forth. Many friends, well-liked by family and the community (that good old facade at work there) and convinced of their own innate goodness.

However one of the fundamental differences between the Lesser and Greater Narcissists compared to the Mid Ranger is the basis on which the application the reality gap operates. The Lesser’s superiority is based on aggressive provocation, albeit in a rudimentary and base manner. The Greater’s superiority is also based on aggressive provocation but in a far more streamlined, refined and magnificent manner. The Mid-Ranger’s perceived superiority has its foundation placed on passive provocation – the silent treatments, the jealous smearing, the office politicking, the pity plays and so forth.

The consequence of this is that this passive, defensive superiority, as opposed to the driving, thrusting aggressive superiority of the other two schools, results in the Mid Range Narcissist suffering periodic reality gaps. He of course will have them and in a massive way as a consequence of a fuel crisis but as stated above, that is not the subject of this article.

The Mid Range Narcissist is afflicted by episodic instances of a detachment between his narcissistic perspective and reality. This is part of his narcissism because this is what enables him or her to operate in a passive aggressive manner through seeking sympathy, exhibiting jealousy, inviting pity and demanding help and support. The Mid Range Narcissists will occasionally get a glimpse of what he is as opposed to what he wants to be. He suddenly sees he is the middle manager salary man and not on the fast track to the board. Whereas the Lesser sees he is holding a semi-skilled position on the factory floor he either sees that as what is best for him and he wouldn’t want to be a “white collar wanker” or he believes he has never made it to management because the existing managers are cocksuckers who are clueless and have no idea how to run a company. The Greater is either at the board already or on his way. The Mid Range Narcissist once believing he was destined for that executive position suddenly realises he is not. He once believed he brought influence to bear beyond his current status because he was talented and just ripe for promotion, he is suddenly aware that this is not the case. The football career was not as glittering as he wanted it to be. She is not as popular as she wants to be. She isn’t able to win the races as she desires to.

The shortfall between what the Mid Range wants to be and believes him or herself to be and what they actually are manifests and delivers a crushing blow to the Mid Range. It can come out of nowhere, a sudden fountain of self-loathing which surges up unexpected and unwelcome. The Mid Range Narcissist immediately seeks to escape this reality gap by complaining, raging, sulking or smearing. Their jealousy of those who are what the Mid Range wants to be is unfettered. Their dejection at their position requires immediate succour from those around them, to flow with pity and sympathy until the moment has passed and with it the danger to their existence.

Accordingly, should you ever witness a Mid Range Narcissist exhibiting some kind of panic attack, a wailing and bemoaning of his or her lot in life even though there is no fuel crisis evident, then you have witnessed the appearance of the Mid Range narcissist’s reality gap.

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Exposure During Devaluation

EXPOSURE DEVALUATION

 

That lightbulb moment has arrived. You know what you are dealing with. At last. You’ve known that what is happening or has happened to you is wrong. You didn’t know why it was happening and you certainly had no idea that you were ensnared by a narcissist but now you do know. You know what he or she is.

In keeping with your empathic traits of honesty, decency, goodness and wanting to seek the truth, amongst other characteristics, you feel that hard to resist pull of wanting to utilise your new found knowledge. You are not addressing the desire to tell us what we are, although that is also pressing, but instead it is that need to tell the world, everybody else,what we are.

I do not mean your close and trusted confidantes. They may well already have reservations about us (even if they do not know what we are) and will need little convincing. Exposing us to them has little impact anyway since we will have most likely regarded them as trouble makers and sought to discredit and isolate them from you already.

This exposure is in respect of telling our family, our friends, our work colleagues, our fellow team members, neighbours and anybody else you can think of.You want to expose us. You want everybody to know the label that describes us and you want everybody to know precisely what that means. You want to detail the cunning seduction, the sudden switch to devaluation, the mind games, the abuse, the push and the pull, the torture, the future faking, the despair, the insidious nature of it, the lies and the lies and the lies.

You want to create a flyer, a billboard, a film ripping that mask off and exposing everything that lies underneath. It is not enough to tell people that we are a narcissist, after all, most people will not understand what that really means. No, what you want to do is give the world the knowledge that we are a narcissist and this means x,y and z. The full horror. The gory detail. You want that spotlight that we crave so often to turn into a searing, burning flame of truthful exposure that causes us to shrink away from its illuminating beam causing us to scuttle away, a pariah, an outcast and a reject. Exiled by your exposure of what we truly are. What sweet revenge, what satisfaction to let everybody know just what we are so that nobody else in the locality falls for the deceit, the fraud and the seductive con-tricks ever again.

Do you do it?

Of course there are those of you, most likely those who have absorbed the knowledge provided to you and whose character leans this way in any event, who would rather focus on using your new found knowledge to get out and stay out and you are not concerned about achieving an exposure.

But what about for those of you who feel this pressing need to expose us to the wider world? What ought you to consider?

To understand what is likely to happen if you take this step, thus you become informed in your decision-making, there are two key questions.

When do you do it?

What type of our kind are you dealing with?

It is safe to say that no exposure really occurs during seduction. Firstly, next to nobody knows that they are being seduced by a narcissist. If you have an awareness following previous entanglements you invariably evade the overtures when they first manifest and get away from the relevant individual. There is no real compulsion to expose in such an instance. For the most part, the individual being seduced has no idea they are entangled with a narcissist and of course, the pleasure of the seduction would put to bed any such thoughts of exposure.

Exposure may be something that springs to mind during devaluation. It is still reasonably uncommon for someone to realise that they are in the grip of a narcissist during devaluation (enlightenment usually appears post discard or in subsequent entanglements following successful hoovers). However, let us take the instance whereby you know the treatment you are receiving is wrong and you have, somehow, been able to learn that what you are involved in is the narcissistic dynamic and this person who you love, but whose love for you has turned to malice, is indeed a narcissist.

It is noteworthy at this juncture that the prospects of exposure still remain slim because even though you may now know who you are dealing with, the emotional infection that has a hold on you, combined with your empathic traits actually fights against exposing that person. You are more likely to want to let them know what this person is in order to try to help them and make things alter. You may not have yet grasped that such a step is futile or even if you have been told this, your emotional impulses are too great and they override logic, so you remain and wish to heal and fix.

Accordingly, exposure during devaluation is uncommon owing to first the lack of knowledge and then even if knowledge is acquired, a failure to apply it owing to the emotional infection that prevails.

Let us assume however that you have gained this knowledge and you are resolute in your desire to expose us to the wider world. Should you proceed when you remain in the devaluation?

The Lesser.  If you expose the Lesser Narcissist to third parties word will reach him. He does not know what he is. Your behaviour is seen as extreme treachery. It is a criticism of him, to other people, those who know him and consider him to be a decent person, reliable and likeable. You will face resistance from those you tell because of the facade. This resistance is not substantial however because there will have been instances of the mask slipping witnessed by others although they will not have attributed it to this person being a narcissist. Instead, it will be linked to fatigue, stress, drink or such like. There is also the potential that you have been smeared by us which damages your credibility. Thus, subject to the evidence you have, its quality and independence, you may not succeed in the exposure anyway.

What you will face however is the inevitable ignition of the Lesser’s fury which will manifest as heated fury. You can expect it to be savage and brutal as you are trying to tear down his carefully created world and leave him exposed in the wilderness. You are likely to be in danger of physical assault, property damage, verbal assaults and a raging fury of a response. Since you have done this during devaluation and thus you will be readily accessible, you will be placing yourself in considerable danger.

Accordingly, if you expose us during devaluation with a Lesser you are risking serious injury and harm. You may succeed in smashing the facade, because people may well link what you say with what they have witnessed previously when the mask slips, but it is not guaranteed.

The Mid-Ranger. Word will again reach the Mid-Ranger of what you are doing. You will face considerable resistance from the facade because the improved cognitive function of the Mid-Ranger, compared with the Lesser, his degree of charm and quiet and easy manner means that those who are subjected to your exposure attempt will struggle to reconcile what you are saying with what they have seen and therefore you will have minimal impact. Of course, the quality of your evidence will have some bearing on this, but it will not be straight forward. You also have the additional obstacle of potentially having been smeared, dependent on how close discard is.

In terms of the response from the Mid-Ranger, his fury will ignite as a consequence of the criticism he sees from your exposure attempt.He will not be able to control this fury. You will be challenged by the Mid-Ranger who will initially plead with you to stop and make use of pity plays, trying to convince you that you are wrong. Remember, he does not know what he is either and therefore will see you exposing his behaviour as plain incorrect and also disloyal. If the pity play does not work, you can expect to see heated fury from the Mid-Ranger. This is one of the few occasions when heated fury is seen with a Mid-Ranger as they tend to use cold fury more often. This is because not only are they facing the loss of their primary source, they are also facing damage to the facade and this pincer movement will push him to heated fury. You can expect verbal assaults, property damage and a calculated campaign of intimidation. Physical violence remains less likely and nowhere near as brutal as that doled out by the lesser.

If you persist, the Mid-Ranger is likely then to withdraw and impose a cold fury against you with silent treatment. Subject to your response, this may actually cause him to withdraw for some time as you are discarded as a consequence of what you have done. The risk of a hoover will also be reduced owing to the knowledge that you have acquired and the raising of the bar in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria being reached.

Thus with the Mid-Ranger if you expose him during devaluation you will face an unpleasant reaction and you will struggle to affect the facade to any great degree. You will however bring about a discard and a withdrawal which may well provide you with a head start concerning no contact, but you can expect that the reaction of third parties will be difficult to deal with. Many will see you as the villain of the piece, for hurting the Mid-Ranger, for “telling tales” and spoiling, which to the outside, appeared to be a good relationship.

The Greater. What then of the Greater? How will he react and what will happen if you decide to expose him or her during devaluation? The more extensive cognitive function of the Greater combined with his wider networks means that he or she will be aware of your treachery very quickly.

First of all you have little chance of all at affecting the facade. The powers of the Greater will be such that most people will be completely brainwashed to the virtues of the Greater and will not accept what they are being told about us. Furthermore, subject to the proximity of the discard, you will have been smeared and therefore your words will be treated with scepticism (you are portrayed as a habitual liar), patronising sympathy (you have been portrayed as The Fantasist), scorn (you have been painted as The Abuser) or disgust (you have been labelled as The Ungrateful One). Also, since your treacherous exposure will be learned of quicker than in the instances above, the propaganda machine of the Greater will have been wheeled out in order to extinguish your ill-founded gossip and ramblings.

The combination of brainwashing, prompt propaganda response and smearing makes it extremely hard for you to impact on the facade of a greater. Your evidence will have to be extremely convincing and to have been delivered without a smear in place.

Secondly, the Greater will launch a charm offensive with you. You will experience a Respite Hoover and a reinstatement of the golden period. His or her ability to charm, explain, smooth over and assuage your concerns will actually cause your resolve to waver. They will appear so convincing that you will be persuaded to think that you have wrongly labelled them as a narcissist. The Greater knows what he is, but he will not admit it, but he will play to your sense of wanting to seek the truth, to understand to heal by sitting down with you and listening to your concerns. He knows that rather than have you tell the wider world what he is, it is far better to keep it between you and him. That way he causes you to shift your focus so the facade is left well alone. He may even admit he has some issues or problems and asks for your help to address them. Of course this is lip service. The Greater knows that he is better served by not reinforcing the image of being a narcissist through abuse, but better off charming you again and casting your conclusion into considerable doubt. This technique, combined with the return of the addictive golden period and the inherent empathic traits means that you are more than likely to halt your exposure.

The Greater is now fore-warned as to your knowledge. He will maintain a period of respite but will be plotting to smear you into oblivion and then discard you, so that when you try to revisit the exposure post discard you will be doomed to failure in terms of affecting the facade.

Thus, these are the likely scenarios when seeking to expose us to the wider world during devaluation. The follow-up part of this article will explain what will happen if the exposure takes place post-escape or post discard.

Why Has He Gone Back?

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Think back to that glorious time when you were courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the devil incarnate weren’t they? They were an abuser, a drunk, an addict, a gold-digger, a gambler, never worked, a sponger, never helped around the house, never helped with the children, bad-tempered, unsociable, awkward, played video games all day and so on. No doubt your narcissist’s ex was one or more of those things. They were smeared to you from the off.

“He is just plain evil.”

“She is utterly bat shit crazy.”

“You won’t want to meet her; she is a fruit loop.”

“He is violent and nasty. Charming on the outside but horrible on the inside.”

A hundred different ways to ensure that you thought ill of the predecessor ex and more highly of us. Praise for having broken free, sympathy for what we endured, encouragement for being with you. The fuel flowed as we recounted tale after tale of terrible treatment. All of this was told after we had jettisoned this person as we embedded you into our world.

It may even have been the case that you commenced an affair with us. We admitted we were married, lived with somebody or in a relationship but a combination of our charismatic magnetism and the tales of woe about how our partner was horrible and abusive meant that you saw somebody wonderful in need of your love and you felt no real concerns at interfering in our relationship. After all, how many times did we tell you that we never had sex with them anymore, that we did not even share a bed, how we were only together for the sake of the children and a hundred other reasons that are given to entice you and reassure you that it is you we want. We may well have even left our partner to be with you. You triumphed. Good overcame evil as you ensured that we had the support, courage and determination to escape their horrible treatment of us. You had us to yourself and the golden period could truly commence.

Sometime later, it might be weeks, it could be months and possibly even years, something strange happened.

We went back.

You were unceremoniously dropped and we returned to the arms of the ex-partner once again. How could this be so? How could we return to someone so horrible, so abusive, so evil? How could we go back to this person about whom we told you so many stories of their abusive behaviour and ugly character? How could we return after you rescued us from them? How could we do this after everything you have done for us? Whereas the ex was horrible, you were delightful, the ex did not care, you never stopped caring and where the ex was cruel, you were wonderful. You helped us through the separation and you shielded us when the savage ex came after us, blaming you for breaking a happy (ha!) marriage up. You heard their protestations that you turned their partner’s head, whispered lies about them so as to turn their partner against the ex. You remember how astonished you were at the time that someone would have the audacity to behave in such an abusive manner and then accuse you of doing the things that they engaged in. This ex was just as we described wasn’t she? Manipulative, vicious and blaming everybody else but herself. Just as we had warned you, she behaved exactly to type. She even accused us of certain things but you did not believe them because we had already forewarned you that this was something she would do. Try to make you think that we were the abusive one in order to deflect attention from what she was really like. How on earth could we go back to this liar, this cheat, this abuser, this evil and horrible person? It just made no sense.

In some instances, you received no answer. Our number had changed. We moved back in with this person at a place you don’t know. We blocked you on social media, those friends you thought you had made in our circles shunned you or just told you to accept that these things happen and to move on. But you cannot. You cannot fathom out why someone could do this. Firstly, why return to an abuser? Secondly, why drop someone wonderful like you who we had professed a real and perfect love for? Nothing made sense anymore.

You might have been able to confront us to try and find out why on earth we have behaved in this way. You may have been given a sole opportunity to state your case and to find out why we have done this and left you devastated. You will have been told things such as: –

“I knew that I really did love them. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

You will have argued against these comments. You will have tried to persuade us in order to get us back again. No doubt you said things to each of the above comments, like these: –

You don’t love her. How can you love someone who has abused you for such a long time? You have done the hard bit, getting away from her. You cannot go back.”

 

“She won’t change. Why would she? You said it yourself she has promised this before and nothing has happened.”

 

“If you did the right thing for your children you would not expose them to such a toxic atmosphere as the one you described between you and her.”

 

“She has you under complete control. You don’t know anything other than her abusive ways and you have accepted them. You don’t have to do that. I can help you.”

Your desperate and well-intentioned pleas and reasoning failed. The reason why is because when we said each of the comments above, this is what we really meant.

“I knew that I really did love her. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“You weren’t the fuel I thought you would be and I realised the fuel I would get from going back and hoovering my ex and seeking another chance would outweigh what you were giving me and it worked. But don’t worry. I am not going to get rid of you just yet. I have organised a wonderful triangulation for me, you and her that will carry on through the reconciliation. It will be like we are having an affair (having an affair again). How exciting. How fuel-laden”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I promised to change. That hoovered her back in. It always does and she fell for it and that fuel is better than yours.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“I saw some cracks in the façade and realised that people actually might turn against me. I need that façade so I have to sacrifice you instead. You won’t realise this but I have told her, our families and friends that you are a stalker and you were trying to blackmail me. They understand. The façade is intact. You are expendable.”

 

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

“I know her inside out and I know that no matter how many times I do this she will always take me back and give me powerful hoover fuel. I know I told you that you were the only one I have left her for. That wasn’t true. You are nothing special. I have done it many times before and I will do it again. I might do it again with you if you are foolish enough to give me another chance. It is all good fuel.”

If you are reeling from the stunning revelation that we have returned to the ex that was labelled as horrible and abusive. If you are unable to comprehend why we would do this, I understand. I understand that it truly makes no sense when looked at from your perspective. The reality is however they were never abusive. I am the abuser. I used you as I used my partner in order to get fuel. I projected my behaviours onto them and you lapped it all up, giving me positive fuel and negative fuel from her as I triangulated you with her. I may not have gone back, but the quality of the hoover fuel and the ease by which I can achieve it makes it irresistible. I will come back to you again and you will let me because you have tasted the golden period. You still believe she is the bitch and the two of you will fight over me blaming one another rather than realise that I am to  blame. I planned it. I orchestrated it. I am the puppet master.

Your Fault

 

 

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STOP PLAYING THE BLAME GAME

Why is it always your fault? Why does the narcissist never accept that he or she is to blame? How are they so adept at blaming others and especially you? Why do they do that? How do they achieve this blame evasion? What is behind their need to place the blame elsewhere? Why do narcissists create blame bombs and what do they do with them? These questions and more besides are posed and answered in the usual direct style, straight from the caustic tongue of the narcissist himself. Understand the reasons behind the narcissist’s relationship with blame and finally understand why it is always your fault.

 

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Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing? – The Lesser

DO NARCISSISTSKNOW WHATTHEY ARE DOING_- THE LESSER

Do narcissists know what they are doing? Most victims would answer a resounding ‘yes’ to this question. Comments such as these are common :-

“He is so calculating in the way he manipulates me, he knows what he is doing alright.”

“Oh she knows just how to wind me up, she knows she does because she always smirks when she is doing it.”

“He is an intelligent man, how can he not know what he is doing?”

“She must know how hurtful she is being when she starts slapping me.”

However, it is nowhere near as clear cut as that. There are two factors which govern the awareness of the narcissist. Firstly, the school of narcissist that you are involved with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater) and secondly the issue of control.

The Lesser School

The Lesser Narcissist (Lower Lesser, Middle Lesser or Upper Lesser) goes through life like a wrecking ball. It is his way, or the high way. Do not like what he is doing? Tough – deal with it – you are the problem. Stopping him doing what he wants? Expect a fist in your face. Trying to make him account for his actions? Good luck with that, you can expect a violent outburst and utter dismissal.

Does the Lesser know that he has punched you in the head? Of course he does. Does he know that he did that that as a consequence of the fact that you wounded him and his physical violence is a manifestation of his ignited fury? No, he does not.

Does the Lesser know that he is cheating on you with your sister? Of course he does. Does he regard it as wrong? No. Is he consumed by guilt at what he has done? No, he does not even know what guilt is.

Does the Lesser who verbally denigrates one of his workers know he is bullying that person? No. From his perspective, that worker is out of line, is too slow, has turned up late again, said the wrong thing, does not work hard enough and therefore his response is entirely justified. Don’t do what he wants, expect to be dealt with. It is not bullying, it is getting the problem sorted.

Does the Lesser know that his provocative comments about your appearance are hurtful and are being said to gain fuel? No. He has no empathy whatsoever, not even the cognitive (fake) empathy and therefore does not recognise that what he says is hurtful or could even be construed as hurtful. He does not understand why you are crying after he told you that you look like the Pilsbury Doughboy in that new purple dress. In his mind the comment was justified. If you push him to explain why he made the comment, expect the helpful reply of “Because I say so” or “It just is, right?”

The Lesser acts through instinct and instinct alone. Yes, if you have escaped him he may put together a plan to drive around to where you are now staying and kick in the door and drag you out by the hair back to where you supposedly belong – but that ‘plan’ remains an instinctive response. He knows what he is doing, but because of the need for control, he does not see his behaviour as wrong, inappropriate or hurtful. It is what needs to be done.

This overriding and ever present need for control means that the Lesser will respond with an instinctive act – whether it is physical violence, sexual violence, smashing up property, shouting in your face – but he sees nothing wrong with this. It is being done to gain fuel, it is being done to keep you in his fuel matrix, it is being done to assert his need for superiority over you, it is being done to quell any rebellion on your part and it is being done to reject any notion of accountability for his actions BUT he does not know this. He does not think, “I will shove her down the stairs because she is rejecting my control over her and needs to be punished.” He just commits the act. He does not think about why he is doing it, he does it and if asked why then you may not even get answer, possibly a shrug or just a growled “She deserved it.” If pressed as to why she deserved it, it is back to “Because she did.”

This behaviour is viewed through the different narcissistic perspective. You, as a victim, do not have that perspective. Your perspective invariably causes you to think that the narcissist does know what he is doing. This perspective of yours arises for two reasons

  1. You know why you do things, you know the rationale behind most of them (if not all) and the consequences and therefore you expect everyone else to behave in a similar way and thus have the similar level of awareness ; and
  2. Your emotional thinking drives you to believe that the narcissist knows what he is doing and why because this then causes you try to get the narcissist to address this behaviour. If he or she knows what they are doing, then surely they can listen to reason, reflect and recognise and take an alternative course of action? In short – they can change. As you know, this desire for change, to heal and to fix is at the core of the empathic victim. Your emotional thinking knows this and therefore, in order to keep you engaging with the narcissist (which is all your emotional thinking ever wants you to do) it cons you into thinking that the narcissist knows what he is doing because this then raises the hope (there’s that terrible word again) you can do something about it. Thus, rather than get out and stay out, you remain, trying to reason with the narcissist, trying to get him to understand how his actions impact on you, that they are wrong and how if only he would change then everything would be good.

Accordingly, your empathic perspective causes you to think that the narcissist is calculated in his behaviour (hence why so many people are honestly mistaken when they think they have been ensnared by the rare Greater Narcissist when they have not) when actually the behaviour of the Lesser Narcissist is only ever instinct.

The Lesser has no concept of guilt, no concept of remorse, no conscience. He cannot have because this would render the defence mechanism that is his narcissism, ineffective and that cannot ever happen. The Lesser is unburdened from knowledge of why he acts as he does, he lacks the cognitive function to even articulate it in some way (which would of course would  be a lie if he could, again the narcissism protecting him) and thus this is why you get no explanations about his behaviour or if you do, they are rudimentary in nature and of the dismissive, curt type explained above.

The Lesser is aware of the actions he performs – he knows he has punched you, he knows he is smashing the windows on your car, he knows he is sleep raping you – but he does not plan, he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing (owing to the need for control through his sense of entitlement, the rejection of accountability, his lack of conscience) and does not see it as manipulative or reprehensible. It is purely what must be done, well, because it is, isn’t it? Now, stop questioning him and do as you are told. Or else.

The Creation of Unusual Milestones

THE CREATION OF UNUSUALMILESTONES

We narcissists create unusual milestones for the purposes of maintaining our narcissistic grip on our victims.

The calendar is festooned with milestones. There are those which are applicable to everybody, for example, a person’s birthday.  There are others which are applicable to a large proportion of people on the planet, Christmas, Easter Sunday, Valentine’s Day, Eid, Nirvana Day (not the band before you ask), Yom Kippur, and Diwali. There are people who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day (even on the flimsiest of reasons) and others who mark the Chinese New Year. There are many days of observance or festivals, including Freedom Day, Independence Day, Bonfire Night, Hallowe’en, National Woman’s Day, The Day of Our Lady of Africa, Remembrance Sunday and King Jigme Dorji Wangchuck’s Death Anniversary (no that isn’t made up). These days and events are commemorated by people in different parts of the world.

These milestones in history are replicated at a more personal level by individuals, for instance wedding anniversaries, an anniversary based on how long a couple has been together (from a week, to a month, then six months and then years) or remembering the anniversary of somebody’s death. There is a multiplicity of milestones which will include it being ten years since somebody graduated from university, a year since somebody left prison, five years since they were made redundant, six months since that relationship ended. Some of these milestones are not celebrated, some are briefly remembered, sometimes fondly and often with concern, relief or slight surprise at the swift passage of time.

People like to commemorate particular milestones. They will record their child’s first day at school and years later tell their son or daughter that on this day twenty years ago you attended nursery or took your first steps. A veteran may recall with a mixture of regret and optimism that it is two years since he took his first steps on prosthetic limbs. Such remembrance and commemoration is done for many different reasons, it might be a wild celebration, fond nostalgia, solemn reflection or upsetting recollection. Notwithstanding what it may be, people accumulate these milestones throughout their lives, either applicable to themselves or others that they are entwined with.

We are no exception to this behaviour.

We, however, do this for entirely different reasons. We recognise and use the more obvious milestones of birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and so on and I have explained how those are used in  Birthday Blues for example. Yet, this is not enough. We go further than the milestones which the world has created for various people. We make our own. We regularly and repeatedly engage in the creation of unusual milestones. This is done by creating Golden Milestones and Obsidian Milestones.

The Golden Milestones are created during our seduction of you. If your birthday falls within our seduction of you, then naturally, you will be treated to marvellous gifts, a wonderful evening or day out and made to feel ultra special. All part of the idealisation but this birthday is not a milestone created by us. It was already there and just happened to coincide with the golden period of seduction. A Golden Milestone is one which is specifically created by us, to manifest as something delightful and special in the Kingdom Of You and Me. You can easily spot these Golden Milestones as they will range from the romantic to the endearingly silly. Consider, if you will, these examples :-

I send you a card to tell you that it is a week since we first kissed

I write you a poem to commemorate that it is a year since I fell in love with you (even though we have only been seeing each other two weeks)

I send you a text to remind you it is one whole terrible hour since we last saw one another

I send you flowers to thank you for filling my life with light and love for the past month

I send you a gift to mark the fact that we made love five times in one night

Viewed dispassionately, these occasions and the fact of commemorating them are absurd. However, when deployed within the illusion of the seductive golden period, they appear cute, endearing, amusing, heart-warming and loving. How much must we be in to you if we telephone you to explain that  we have been in love with one another for 1.2 million minutes or that last night was the 100th time you told me that you loved me. Sometimes these milestones are fabricated but more usually they are actually real and there are those of our kind who have calculated the number of times we have kissed, made love or called you by a pet name.

These Golden Milestones are viewed favourably by our victims, silly and wonderful reminders of how delightful our relationship together is. Monuments to the unique and special coupling that has been occasioned between you and I.

From our perspective, whilst they may appear fun, slightly throwaway and romantic, these Golden Milestones serve an important purpose. They enable us to keep binding you to us, they allow us to demonstrate just how infatuated we are with you and to gauge our control over you. They allow us to draw fuel from you, positive fuel occasioned by your laughter at the daft statistic we have just explained to you, or your tear-brimming eyes as you realise just how much thought and effort we have gone to, to calculate how many times we have been to a particular restaurant which you love, so since we are on the cusp of the twentieth visit we have booked it this weekend. These Golden Milestones actually come draped in red flags because you will not find them in any normal or healthy relationship. Those relationships celebrate the one week, the one month and then a year of the relationship’s existence but will not descend into the detail. The detail evidences our obsession with you, how we regard our relationship as one really of statistics – how long we have spent with you, how many times you have said something to us, how many times we have been to a certain place, how often we have done a particular thing together. This is hugely indicative. Notice how it is devoid of actual feeling but is all based on frequency, content and quantity. Mechanical. These are capable of calculation which equates to control.

Whilst the creation of Golden Milestones may be endearingly silly, it is the creation of those Obsidian Milestones which arise during devaluation which truly show our penchant for being self-absorbed. The purpose of the Obsidian Milestone is to create our own special event at which we are the special guest, the revered recipient of attention and of course furnished with fuel. The Obsidian Milestones are breath taking in their absurdity  and triviality from your perspective (and they need to be in order to have the correct impact on you), but of course we do not see them that way.  Consider these:-

It is the seventeen-week anniversary since Tiddles the cat died

(It was your cat not ours and we always hated it)

It is nine years since our mother passed away meaning we cannot do anything all day long

(Some people may be upset on the anniversary of the death of a loved relative but they do not become paralysed for the day nine years after the event and moreover you know that we did not get on with our mother and we did not even attend the funeral)

It is the five year anniversary of the disappearance of a child and we weep and wail about it

(We do not know the child or even anybody vaguely related to the child)

It is a month since our brush with death

(A car beeped its horn at us as we stepped out into the road, but it was nowhere near us)

We have been in our newly promoted position for two months

(You bought the champagne when we got promoted, but we expect more acknowledgement and recognition on this two month anniversary)

It is 25 years since the death of our beloved friend

(We have never even mentioned this person previously).

The creation of this Obsidian Milestons has various common themes:-

  1. Notice how they are nothing to do with you or our relationship with you;
  2. They will be about something unrelated to you and invariably something to do with us, either our loss or achievement or someone we know who has achieved or lost
  3. The Obsidian Milestone will often be a complete fabrication;
  4. If not a fabrication it will be premised on not only the most tenuous of connections but the flimsiest of reasons for there to be any commemoration

These Obsidian Milestones are used for the following reasons:-

  1. To berate you for being so cold and callous to forget that on this day eighteen years ago we lost our job – we scold your lack of recall about an event you either knew nothing about or could not reasonably be expected to be concerned by as a means of exerting control by making you feel bad and to draw negative fuel;
  2. To bring the attention of you and others onto us so as to give fuel;
  3. To detract from credible commemorative events of other people (your 30th birthday celebration coincides with the devastating shed fire which destroyed our collection of car magazines ten years ago)
  4. To make you feel sorry for us so we are provided with fuel
  5. To use as excuses not to do certain things (“I would come to dinner at your parents’ home but I am besides myself right now over the anniversary of the death of Bugle the Budgie (who never existed))

The creation of Obsidian Milestones will not be seen outside of the narcissistic dynamic. They are milestones created to gain fuel and to exert control, through their sheer absurdity and drama creation which leaves you bewildered as to why it has impacted on us so much, potentially feeling guilty for not knowing (should you have known that today was that particular anniversary?) and concerned (owing to your empathic state) to ascertain what is wrong (we may not at first actually explain what the Obsidian Milestone is but instead keep you guessing as we wail, cry, sulk, mope around or look angry).

Which Golden and/or Obsidian Milestones have you experienced?

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Sins of the Empath : Truth Seeker

SINS OF THE EMPATH

Truth seeker. The pursuit of the truth. A noble ideal indeed is it not? It sounds as if you ought to be armed with your sword of justice and your shield of purity as you make your way through the badlands in order to find the truth. In fact, this is what you, as an empathic individual is unwittingly doing when you become engaged with our kind.

You are all truth seekers. The empath, the co-dependent and especially the super empath. You want the truth and you will apply your indefatigable spirit to acquiring it without understanding the toll that this misguided folly will have on you as whole. The need to be told the truth, to find it and to know it is a core empathic trait and as you would expect, it leads you into the trap of being ensnared by our kind and is heavily exploited.

Being a truth seeker is a further sin of the empath. Those who are empathic tell the truth, but that is because of that other empathic sin, honesty. The empath must always establish the truth of a situation, the truth at the heart of an individual and in so doing the allows them to reconcile their own truths.

The empath must know the truth. He or she must not only need to understand why somebody is as they are, but they have to be satisfied that this is the truth of the matter. This desire for the truth makes an empath extremely vulnerable to us since we trade in lies, deal in deceit and all our currency is counterfeit.

Take, for instance, at the outset of the narcissistic dynamic, when we begin our seduction of the empath. He or she wishes to know that this wonderful person is true in their intentions and whilst the empath might be pleased that others talk about how enamoured the narcissist is about them, or how the narcissist seems utterly smitten, the empath must establish the truth form the narcissist him or herself. This of course opens the empath up to the charm, magnetism and allure of the scintillating narcissist as we are only too happy to tell you what you want to hear, to show you what you want to see and to do what you would have us do.

Oblivious to who you are dealing with (until otherwise educated) the empath will, through his or trusting nature and propensity to deal honestly with others, accept what the narcissist says and does. That amounts to the truth. The narcissist is skilled through his mirroring to reflect back at you your own truths and thus as you seek the truth, you are shown it. What you do not realise is that you are looking at your own truth, but since it is your truth and not ours, it is so utterly convincing. The adoration that you exhibit towards us is mirrored and reflect back at you. You wish to seek the truth of that adoration and what do you see? An adoration that is on the same par as your own – how can that then not appear to be the truth. In seeking the truth but looking for it from one who lies so effectively and defrauds with ease, all you find is your own truth, but you fail to recognise it as such and thus you feel you have found the truth and you are convinced that what you see is genuine love, is genuine passion and is genuine adoration.

You might liken it to a person who carries with him or her one half of a precious gem and seeks the other half. This person encounters a mirror, but does not know that it is a mirror and thinks that they see the other half stood before them since it looks so convincing, yet try to touch or grasp or find any depth or substance to this supposed other half and it will not be there. This is what eventually happens when devaluation occurs as you see the reflection and it dawns on you that all you are looking at is what you already had, being made to appear like something more.

Thus in wanting to find the truth and being shown your truth and not ours, you are utterly convinced as to the legitimacy of our love, passion and desire for you. Your truth seeking has made you vulnerable to our deceitful manipulations from the very beginning.

Yet, the matter worsens. Your pursuit of the truth leaves you vulnerable to perhaps one of the most confusing and bewildering aspects of the narcissistic dynamic, the need to establish the truth during devaluation. Once the array of machinations are wheeled out against you, the gas lighting commences, the lies, the insults, the intimidation and so much more is used against you, your quest for the truth has you stuck in the quagmire of our manipulations for a considerable time.

Firstly, you do not accept that this monster which now prevents you from getting a good night’s sleep, erupts at the slightest criticism, becomes demanding over apparently nothing, is the person who you fell in love with or who loves you. This is not the truth that stands before you. The truth must surely have been the person who first seduced you. You know that to be the case because you sought the truth then during the seduction, you saw it and you established it. It is that magical, wonderful, adoring person who seems to have vanished and in its stead you now see some grotesque version of the person you love. That is not the truth that shouts at you and belittles you, that is not the truth that turns each time you want to go out with your friends into a battle and that is not the truth that turns its back on you every night in bed. You want to find the true us, the one you saw and established during seduction and that need, that desire and that pursuit of this truth means you remain in situ, not escaping and allowing our abuses to rain down on you again and again.

Secondly, you experience the downside of our pathological lies during the devaluation. You were lied to, naturally, during the seduction, but that does not matter. You thought it to be the truth and you established it as so and besides, those lies felt good didn’t they? Yet know, the lies wound and hurt, they scar and mark, as we tell you lies about what we have been doing, where we have been and who with. You are no fool, or so you think, for you have followed us, had others report to you and you know the truth of what has been happening. Now you must establish that truth with us. You must seek the truth from our lips without you realising that we will never do such a thing since to do so would be to cede control to you. You have not yet grasped who you are dealing with and thus you remain unaware that we use lies to achieve so much of our aims. Those lies are used to make you dizzy, make you cry, make you exhausted and we keep on going and will not concede to the truth.

How many times have you heard yourself say:-

“Just tell me the truth, that is all I want you to do.”

“Please, stop lying, just tell the truth.”

“If you would only tell the truth.”

“I want the truth.”

“Give me the truth. Please I am begging you.”

Are those phrases and those of a similar kind echoing about your mind now?

Your desire to get to the truth, to hold the truth in front of us and get us to acknowledge it means you become drawn into the circular arguments, the endless arguments, the denial, the switching and the deflections which leave you shattered, mystified and spent. Why can he not see the truth when I do? The Toxic Logic of course, but you are not privy to such information at that time and so you gird your loins, climb back on your steed and ride out once again in the pursuit of the truth. It is no surprise that you then gallop into the swamp and become bogged down by lies, untruths and mendacity.

Thirdly, during devaluation it is often the case that you will turn to others to seek confirmation that the truth you once witnessed is indeed the truth and you can find it once again. You seek the truth from our coterie, our minions and our lieutenants. You go to them and need to ascertain that we are surely a decent person, who is loving and caring are we not? You walk straight into the facade and its false truth. You hear the answers which you want to hear, we are lauded for our generosity, we are praised for our kindness, we are complimented on our good humour, easy charm and reliability. There it is, you have sought the truth once again and you have found it, yet you fail to recognise it as the false truth and the false hope which it engenders. Instead of trying to escape from this devaluation, you remain in place, taking comfort from that the facade has told you and redoubling your efforts to find the truth with us. Thus, you remain and exhaust yourself tilting against the windmill that is us when you think you are slaying the dragon.

Accordingly, your empathic trait of being a truth seeker makes you vulnerable to our seduction and extremely vulnerable to the effects of our mind games, manipulations and habitual lying. Were this where it ends, but your quest for the truth has a further blow to administer to you.

The empathic sin of being a truth seeker heightens your susceptibility to the post escape and post discard hoovers. When we open those shutters and allow the bright, shining light of the golden period to fall upon your face you instantly see that the truth has returned, that false truth which you were shown what feels like such a long time ago. Yet, all is not lost, the truth has returned, it is in your grasp and all you need to do seek it out and embrace it is to return to our fold. By seeking our the truth once again you fall prey to our hoovers and our control over you is increased again.

The desire to seek the truth is noble indeed but seeking it from one who scorns the truth and takes refuge amongst deceit, lies and fraudulent intent can only result in this character trait of yours gaining the epitaph of being a sin of the empath.

Love Is A Taught Construct

love

 

How do you know how to love? Did you sit wide-eyed in front a large screen as colourful costumed characters hugged one another to a saccharine sound-track so this imbued you with the concept of what love was? Did those cartoon characters explain to you what it is to love? Did their exaggerated voices and crazy antics, followed by the moral of the story teach you what love is? Perhaps you read about it in love, heard it in songs and studied the many ways in which this ultimate emotion appears and affects people. Chances are that you have been affected by those hugely affecting passages from the great works dedicated to love. Chances are you have been captured by haunting lyrics and catchy jingles which also profess to tell you what love is. They have all played a part. You may have learned about love from the version churned out by the media, of Hollywood romance, dashing heroes, fair maidens, tarts with golden hearts, the good man who rides to the rescue, the wayward soul saved by love. Love may have been explained to you from the pulpit as a higher love, something which transcends all earthly manifestations, a love so powerful and complete that it sacrificed its only son in order to demonstrate its love for humankind. This godly love is all around you, it touches each and all and is mighty in its effects. Love may have been learned from furtive fumbles down alleyways, sneaking into bedrooms when so young, the exploration of warm and urgent body parts accompanied by those every so sincere protestations of love. A haphazard journey through galloping teen years as nothing and everything makes sense all at once. Then again, love might have appeared to you in the form of something small and furry, an unconditional (so long as it was fed) love which was loyal, giving and ever so cute. So many erudite tutors, learned lecturers and wise proponents of what love is. Love thy neighbour, love yourself, love is all you need, woman in love, it must have been love, crazy little thing called love, to know him is to love him, we found love, how deep is your love? Love is all around us, in us, between us, lifting us up and letting us down. It is everywhere and you may well have been taught by many of the above and more besides as to what love is.

However, love most likely will have been taught to you by those who created you, those two people who came together and through their own pleasure created you. Two people who decided that they would shoulder the responsibility of creating life, nurturing it and bringing a new person into the world. Those two people accepted many, many responsibilities from such a decision and act. Chief among them was the responsibility of teaching that person what love is. Through their offices they have furnished each and every one of us with the notion of what love is. A deep-seated and visceral understanding of this is how love feels, this is what it looks like, this is what it sounds like. This is love. From those two people more than anything else we are first grounded in the concept of what love is. This grounding lasts a considerable time and whilst there are other factors to be considered, as I have mentioned above, it is this lesson which is learnt invariably first and the one lesson which resonates beyond all others. So often we are in their hands when it comes to being taught about love. So, what is this taught love? It has so many, many facets.

Love is being told to never trust anybody.

Love is being made to re-write the entire essay because of one spelling mistake.

Love is being sent to stand outside on a cold winter’s day until all three verses of Ode to Autumn are recited correctly.

Love is knowing nothing is ever good enough.

Love is understanding that someone else knows better than you what is best for you.

Love is turning away from the reality.

Love is standing straight against a wall for several hours for speaking out of turn.

Love is for the weak.

Love is being told that when I am gone nobody else will look out for you.

Love is succeeding.

Love is building a wall as high as possible.

Love is trying until it hurts and gaining that final curt nod of approval.

Love is being seen and not heard.

Love is fulfilling your potential and securing that legacy.

Love is hurting you even though it hurts me, but someone in this household has to do it and it won’t be him will it?

Love is reading to yourself than being read to.

Love is living in the shadows and hoping not to be noticed.

Love is being the best.

Love is the preserve of the powerful.

Love is being denied a birthday party because the other children are too stupid.

Love is being undermined in order to prevent conceit.

Love is a begrudged recognition and the injunction to try harder, go further, climb higher, run faster, study longer.

Love is burning your hand but not crying.

Love is don’t tell anybody about our secret.

Love is a righteous beating.

Love is being distant and pretending things never happened.

Love is being sent away.

Love is not being told.

Love is splendid isolation.

Love was taught this way.

The Victim’s Cloak

THEVICTIM'S CLOAK

The Victim.

I know there are those who do not like that word. They regard it as stigmatising and a hindrance to recovery. One understands such an approach, but nevertheless it is the appropriate word for those who have encountered our kind in the narcissistic dynamic. What does victim mean?

‘a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action’

There is no denying this would apply to someone who has been ensnared by us.

‘a person who is tricked or duped’

Equally applicable. After all, it is the very essence of our behaviour that we trick or dupe you.

‘a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment’

Accurate again. Of course not everybody may feel this way, but many will readily recognise it, even if they prefer not to announce it.

Accordingly, these various definitions are valid and accurate to those who have been involved with our kind, be it romantic, social, familial or otherwise.

It remains the case, however, that when it comes to the issue of victimhood and who gets to wear The Victim’s Cloak that once more our kind exhibits our well known hypocrisy. We regard you as the victim (we have to as this is part of the maintenance of our control and need for superiority) but we also then look to remove that victim status from you.

The various schools of narcissism approach this double standard in differing ways, in respect of how we stamp you with ‘Victim’ but then deny you any use or recognition of it. We both adorn you with the cloak and then remove it in some way.

The Lesser Narcissist

The Lesser treats you as a victim because you are beneath him or her. You are considered useless, in the way and an annoyance and your dithering, inability to second guess the Lesser results in a swift ignition of fury and its manifestation as usually heated fury. You are made to feel the victim, by being lambasted verbally, physically assaulted, sexually assaulted, demeaned, having your property destroyed and seeing others you cared about drawn into the whirlwind.

The Victim’s Cloak is rapidly placed around your shoulders through this treatment of you but then the Lesser immediately rips it away, shreds it and hurls it to one side so you cannot use it. Your victimhood is created through an aggressive act or acts. However, you are not allowed to retain the mantle of victim because the Lesser takes the firm view that whatever treatment has been applied against you, well, you deserved it.

“She was back chatting me so she got a slap.”

“He was lousy in bed so I told him how useless he is.”

“The house was a mess, so I smashed it up so she really had something to clean up.”

You are denied the status of victim because in the mind of the Lesser you brought the treatment on yourself. The fact you deserve it negates the sympathy, compassion and understanding that would ordinarily be afforded to a victim.

“Leave her be, she deserves what she got, quit fussing over her.”

“It’s for his own good, so he will get it right next time.”

“Stop mollycoddling that boy, he has to learn and I am teaching him.”

Of course, this conduct by the Lesser of branding you the victim through your mis-treatment and then the wrenching away of your cloak of victimhood is all part of the further control and manipulation. His knee-jerk response will have generated fuel from your reaction to being struck or shouted at, but then, as the victim, you are usually afforded concern, sympathy and help by others. The Lesser may find himself being triangulated by a concerned relative, friend or bystander. This erodes his control and unconsciously his own innate status as a victim comes to the fore. He does not recognise this. After all, he does not want the cloak to wear for himself, he is nota victim, hell no, he is better than that, but just as he believes he does not want that cloak, you are not allowed to wear it either and thus he will deny you any entitlements associated with being classed as a victim, purely because his own inherent victim status (albeit unrecognised) makes its presence known.

Even a Lesser who belongs to the Victim cadre does not consider himself as a victim. Unconsciously he does, but he considers his preferential treatment owing to his poor health, dodgy back or sheer bad luck, an entitlement of his. He will not regard himself as a victim, but someone who ought to be looked after, although of course he is playing the card of Victim cadre extensively. Why play this card? Simple. To stop you being allowed to be the victim. You have hurt your hand and cannot cook? Too bad, he is hungry and not able to walk, so you still have to do something. You feel faint? He has a fractured eyelash and you need to get him to the hospital quick smart. But remember, he is not a victim, you are, but you do not get any sympathy, consolation or help for being that victim. Thus you receive the cloak but you are not allowed to wear it and it is ripped up and thrown away.

The Mid Range Narcissist

The Mid-Ranger will treat you as a victim because they are the perpetrator of various abuses and manipulations against you. Whilst heated fury does manifest with the Mid Range Narcissist (usually the Lower Mid Ranger), the manifestation of fury is most usual through cold fury. Thus you receive the Present and Absent Silent Treatments, the smearing, the gas lighting, the Cold Shoulders and the The Incredible Sulk to name but a few of the manipulations that are available to the Mid Range Narcissist.

The Mid Ranger treats you as the victim, as these abuses are doled out against you and one might expect that the array of emotional, financial, sexual and most of all psychological abuses that the Mid Ranger uses would mean that The Victim’s Cloak would settle snugly about your shoulders.

No.

The Mid Ranger plucks that cloak from you and places it about his or her shoulders. It is theircloak. You are not allowed the trappings of being a victim because you are not entitled to support or concerned attention. No, that must be directed towards the Mid Ranger. Whilst he rejects the notion of weakness that is often associated with the status of being a victim, he believes he is the victim.

“I cannot believe I was passed over for promotion. I have been discriminated against and I am the best candidate.”

“I cannot begin to tell you how terribly she treats me.”

“I am never invited to see the grand children by my daughter. I don’t know what I have done wrong, but she is intent on making my life miserable.”

The Mid Range Narcissist wants the cloak. It is his by right and he wants everything that goes with it. He wants the Pity Party, the Commiseration Conference and the Sympathy Symposium. He is the victim don’t you know? Show some support, offer a concerned look, ask how he is, suggest a way of helping, agree that he is hard done to, down trodden and treated appallingly and after everything that he has done.

Tell the Mid Range that she deserves to be treated better, that she is well-regarded and this person who has not done what they wanted is an awful, despicable person and an abuser.

The Mid-Ranger always plays the victim even though they are the perpetrator. You are the victim because you are the one who is abused, but the Mid Ranger will never see it that way and he or she will not let anybody regard it that way as she or he pouts and twirls in their Victim’s Cloak. You can never be afforded the ‘benefits’ that should be afforded to the true victim.

Should the Mid-Ranger be of the Victim Cadre also, then order plenty of tissues because he or she will grab that Victim Cloak from you and grimacing, stitch it onto themselves, passing needle and thread through aching skin so that they can never be parted from that cloak.

The Greater

The Greater will never consciously consider him or herself as a victim. Never. After all, we are the hunters, the predators, the ones that targets and finds our prey. Not only that, we need only look at what we do, what we achieve and how we are regarded and this underlines and reinforces that we are not victims.

We do however utilise the notion of being a victim to drive our behaviours but we do not label it as being a victim. No, instead we consider it to be based on revenge. We recognise that the world is a treacherous place, full of untrustworthy charlatans and liars who come with great promises and then who fail to deliver. The simpering and fawning lick spittles who flatter to deceive, although we naturally see through all of that. Yet still, that behaviour, unwarranted and unjustified means we could consider ourselves victims (if we truly would lower ourselves in such a way). However,  we are above that and once we were victims (although we see no reason to be reminded of that fact because we escaped it) means that you, him, her and everyone else will be punished if you even hint at returning us to that almost forgotten state of victimhood.

We have no desire to wear The Victim’s Cloak. It does not belong to us. It is not our size, colour and is made of material that is inferior to us. You are absolutely regarded as the victim because this game we play with you (and one which we revel in) means you have to be the victim because that means we win and you lose. Oh, this cloak is yours alright but just like the Lesser and the Mid-Range narcississt we will deny you any right to wear it. Why should you be afforded any sympathy, support or help? You should not and here’s why ; you deserve to be punished, you have nothing to complain about.

We have given you the world by your association with us and therefore how on earth can you have any basis for complaint? You brought this treatment on yourself, so not only do you deserve it (akin to the view point of the Lesser Narcissist) it goes further than that, it is right and just for you to be treated that way. Should the criminal be afforded sympathy when his sentence is announced? No. Should the morally repugnant member of the community be afforded kindness for his heinous behaviour? No. Then, neither shall you.

You are denied the accoutrements of the status of victim. You are the victim, absolutely but you will not wear that cloak. It does not even reach your shoulders as it does with the victim of the Lesser Narcissist. We forbid it coming anywhere near you. We are the supreme judge of your fate and we always apply the maxim of

‘commodum ex injuria sua nemo habere’

Did you not know that has been stitched into the lining of the Victim’s Cloak? Of course, this maxim is not applicable to us.