THE NARCISSIST'SREALITY GAP.jpg

The Lesser Narcissist. Whether it is the out and out loser that is the Lower Lesser, the usually useless Middle Lesser or the successful but overbearing bully that is the Upper Lesser, the three have certain common traits. One of these traits is their delusional state. The Lesser exists in a bubble convinced of his or her good looks or innate strength or irresistible sexiness. They think everybody likes them, they think if you don’t then you must be an idiot and you are not worth bothering with. They believe themselves to be great at sport, or writing, or whatever hobby and if they do not win or receive an accolade well the game was fixed, the paint was the wrong sort or the judges are retarded. After all, anybody who cannot see that the Lesser is a swaggering champion, well, they must need their head seeing to, right?

The Lesser cruises through life doing what he or she wants, taking whatever they want, behaving as they please and nobody is allowed to stop or interfere with this god-given right. They are completely oblivious to their shortcomings – that bloated beer belly just shows a certain joie de vivre, going bald is a sign of virility, wearing that same jacket is a mark of classic attire. Their narcissism enables them to maintain their perceived superiority (where often none exists) through the application of this delusion. They just do not see their failings, their inadequacies and failures. The self-defence mechanism of the Twin Lines of Defence will either deny any such failing or deflect it away by ascribing it to being the fault of someone or something else. Thus, the Lesser escapes culpability, maintains superiority, gathers fuel and barrels through his or her life wreaking havoc all around and never suffering consequences.

Now, the fuel crisis will cause the bubble to burst, but this article is not about the effect of the fuel crisis but rather the reality gap. When fuelled, the Lesser suffers no reality gap whatsoever. He or she is oblivious and served totally by the delusions of their narcissistic perspective because that is what enables them to exist and function.

What then of the Greater? There is no doubting that the Greater can point to substance to support those bold pronouncements. Look at the money, the high status career, the successful public life, the adoring crowds, the power that is wielded, the records made, the books sold, the art created, the countries invaded, the factories opened, the gadgets invented and the elections won. From captain of industry, Olympic champion, pop star, politician, royal, leader, spin doctor, fixer, striving executive, acclaimed actor, feted artists through to hundreds of other positions and roles, the Greater populates the higher echelons of achievement. His or her narcissism has enabled such an ascent. With no sense of remorse, no conscience, the desire to be the best, a total belief in one’s ability, a sense of entitlement and operating with absolute expediency it is little wonder that the Greater narcissists clamber into these positions.

Is there delusion with the Greater? Indeed and it manifests in the form of embellishment and exaggeration because the innate paranoia of the narcissist means that it is never enough. He may be popular but he sees that he is immensely popular because the narcissism demands it. The narcissism enabled him to scale the heights of political power to begin with and then feeds the need to stay there and want more and more and more because non sufficit orbit terrarum.

Thus the Greater will have considerable power but sees its reach as being even further. He has wealth but embellishes its degree. The narcissistic perspective insists on there being a reality greater than there is. It is even better than the real thing. The combination of that which has been achieved and the belief in added achievement results in the application of power on a tremendous scale, which in turns feeds the narcissism. Round and round it goes. There may be a reality gap, but similar to the Lesser, it is not apparent to the Greater save when the effects of a fuel crisis manifest.

What of the Mid-Range Narcissist? He or she can also achieve. Not on the scale of the Greater but beyond the Lesser. The Mid Range Narcissist, particular Middle Mid Range and Upper Mid Range will secure success, good jobs, excellent incomes, academic achievements, sporting achievements and so forth. Many friends, well-liked by family and the community (that good old facade at work there) and convinced of their own innate goodness.

However one of the fundamental differences between the Lesser and Greater Narcissists compared to the Mid Ranger is the basis on which the application the reality gap operates. The Lesser’s superiority is based on aggressive provocation, albeit in a rudimentary and base manner. The Greater’s superiority is also based on aggressive provocation but in a far more streamlined, refined and magnificent manner. The Mid-Ranger’s perceived superiority has its foundation placed on passive provocation – the silent treatments, the jealous smearing, the office politicking, the pity plays and so forth.

The consequence of this is that this passive, defensive superiority, as opposed to the driving, thrusting aggressive superiority of the other two schools, results in the Mid Range Narcissist suffering periodic reality gaps. He of course will have them and in a massive way as a consequence of a fuel crisis but as stated above, that is not the subject of this article.

The Mid Range Narcissist is afflicted by episodic instances of a detachment between his narcissistic perspective and reality. This is part of his narcissism because this is what enables him or her to operate in a passive aggressive manner through seeking sympathy, exhibiting jealousy, inviting pity and demanding help and support. The Mid Range Narcissists will occasionally get a glimpse of what he is as opposed to what he wants to be. He suddenly sees he is the middle manager salary man and not on the fast track to the board. Whereas the Lesser sees he is holding a semi-skilled position on the factory floor he either sees that as what is best for him and he wouldn’t want to be a “white collar wanker” or he believes he has never made it to management because the existing managers are cocksuckers who are clueless and have no idea how to run a company. The Greater is either at the board already or on his way. The Mid Range Narcissist once believing he was destined for that executive position suddenly realises he is not. He once believed he brought influence to bear beyond his current status because he was talented and just ripe for promotion, he is suddenly aware that this is not the case. The football career was not as glittering as he wanted it to be. She is not as popular as she wants to be. She isn’t able to win the races as she desires to.

The shortfall between what the Mid Range wants to be and believes him or herself to be and what they actually are manifests and delivers a crushing blow to the Mid Range. It can come out of nowhere, a sudden fountain of self-loathing which surges up unexpected and unwelcome. The Mid Range Narcissist immediately seeks to escape this reality gap by complaining, raging, sulking or smearing. Their jealousy of those who are what the Mid Range wants to be is unfettered. Their dejection at their position requires immediate succour from those around them, to flow with pity and sympathy until the moment has passed and with it the danger to their existence.

Accordingly, should you ever witness a Mid Range Narcissist exhibiting some kind of panic attack, a wailing and bemoaning of his or her lot in life even though there is no fuel crisis evident, then you have witnessed the appearance of the Mid Range narcissist’s reality gap.

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EXPOSURE DEVALUATION

 

That lightbulb moment has arrived. You know what you are dealing with. At last. You’ve known that what is happening or has happened to you is wrong. You didn’t know why it was happening and you certainly had no idea that you were ensnared by a narcissist but now you do know. You know what he or she is.

In keeping with your empathic traits of honesty, decency, goodness and wanting to seek the truth, amongst other characteristics, you feel that hard to resist pull of wanting to utilise your new found knowledge. You are not addressing the desire to tell us what we are, although that is also pressing, but instead it is that need to tell the world, everybody else,what we are.

I do not mean your close and trusted confidantes. They may well already have reservations about us (even if they do not know what we are) and will need little convincing. Exposing us to them has little impact anyway since we will have most likely regarded them as trouble makers and sought to discredit and isolate them from you already.

This exposure is in respect of telling our family, our friends, our work colleagues, our fellow team members, neighbours and anybody else you can think of.You want to expose us. You want everybody to know the label that describes us and you want everybody to know precisely what that means. You want to detail the cunning seduction, the sudden switch to devaluation, the mind games, the abuse, the push and the pull, the torture, the future faking, the despair, the insidious nature of it, the lies and the lies and the lies.

You want to create a flyer, a billboard, a film ripping that mask off and exposing everything that lies underneath. It is not enough to tell people that we are a narcissist, after all, most people will not understand what that really means. No, what you want to do is give the world the knowledge that we are a narcissist and this means x,y and z. The full horror. The gory detail. You want that spotlight that we crave so often to turn into a searing, burning flame of truthful exposure that causes us to shrink away from its illuminating beam causing us to scuttle away, a pariah, an outcast and a reject. Exiled by your exposure of what we truly are. What sweet revenge, what satisfaction to let everybody know just what we are so that nobody else in the locality falls for the deceit, the fraud and the seductive con-tricks ever again.

Do you do it?

Of course there are those of you, most likely those who have absorbed the knowledge provided to you and whose character leans this way in any event, who would rather focus on using your new found knowledge to get out and stay out and you are not concerned about achieving an exposure.

But what about for those of you who feel this pressing need to expose us to the wider world? What ought you to consider?

To understand what is likely to happen if you take this step, thus you become informed in your decision-making, there are two key questions.

When do you do it?

What type of our kind are you dealing with?

It is safe to say that no exposure really occurs during seduction. Firstly, next to nobody knows that they are being seduced by a narcissist. If you have an awareness following previous entanglements you invariably evade the overtures when they first manifest and get away from the relevant individual. There is no real compulsion to expose in such an instance. For the most part, the individual being seduced has no idea they are entangled with a narcissist and of course, the pleasure of the seduction would put to bed any such thoughts of exposure.

Exposure may be something that springs to mind during devaluation. It is still reasonably uncommon for someone to realise that they are in the grip of a narcissist during devaluation (enlightenment usually appears post discard or in subsequent entanglements following successful hoovers). However, let us take the instance whereby you know the treatment you are receiving is wrong and you have, somehow, been able to learn that what you are involved in is the narcissistic dynamic and this person who you love, but whose love for you has turned to malice, is indeed a narcissist.

It is noteworthy at this juncture that the prospects of exposure still remain slim because even though you may now know who you are dealing with, the emotional infection that has a hold on you, combined with your empathic traits actually fights against exposing that person. You are more likely to want to let them know what this person is in order to try to help them and make things alter. You may not have yet grasped that such a step is futile or even if you have been told this, your emotional impulses are too great and they override logic, so you remain and wish to heal and fix.

Accordingly, exposure during devaluation is uncommon owing to first the lack of knowledge and then even if knowledge is acquired, a failure to apply it owing to the emotional infection that prevails.

Let us assume however that you have gained this knowledge and you are resolute in your desire to expose us to the wider world. Should you proceed when you remain in the devaluation?

The Lesser.  If you expose the Lesser Narcissist to third parties word will reach him. He does not know what he is. Your behaviour is seen as extreme treachery. It is a criticism of him, to other people, those who know him and consider him to be a decent person, reliable and likeable. You will face resistance from those you tell because of the facade. This resistance is not substantial however because there will have been instances of the mask slipping witnessed by others although they will not have attributed it to this person being a narcissist. Instead, it will be linked to fatigue, stress, drink or such like. There is also the potential that you have been smeared by us which damages your credibility. Thus, subject to the evidence you have, its quality and independence, you may not succeed in the exposure anyway.

What you will face however is the inevitable ignition of the Lesser’s fury which will manifest as heated fury. You can expect it to be savage and brutal as you are trying to tear down his carefully created world and leave him exposed in the wilderness. You are likely to be in danger of physical assault, property damage, verbal assaults and a raging fury of a response. Since you have done this during devaluation and thus you will be readily accessible, you will be placing yourself in considerable danger.

Accordingly, if you expose us during devaluation with a Lesser you are risking serious injury and harm. You may succeed in smashing the facade, because people may well link what you say with what they have witnessed previously when the mask slips, but it is not guaranteed.

The Mid-Ranger. Word will again reach the Mid-Ranger of what you are doing. You will face considerable resistance from the facade because the improved cognitive function of the Mid-Ranger, compared with the Lesser, his degree of charm and quiet and easy manner means that those who are subjected to your exposure attempt will struggle to reconcile what you are saying with what they have seen and therefore you will have minimal impact. Of course, the quality of your evidence will have some bearing on this, but it will not be straight forward. You also have the additional obstacle of potentially having been smeared, dependent on how close discard is.

In terms of the response from the Mid-Ranger, his fury will ignite as a consequence of the criticism he sees from your exposure attempt.He will not be able to control this fury. You will be challenged by the Mid-Ranger who will initially plead with you to stop and make use of pity plays, trying to convince you that you are wrong. Remember, he does not know what he is either and therefore will see you exposing his behaviour as plain incorrect and also disloyal. If the pity play does not work, you can expect to see heated fury from the Mid-Ranger. This is one of the few occasions when heated fury is seen with a Mid-Ranger as they tend to use cold fury more often. This is because not only are they facing the loss of their primary source, they are also facing damage to the facade and this pincer movement will push him to heated fury. You can expect verbal assaults, property damage and a calculated campaign of intimidation. Physical violence remains less likely and nowhere near as brutal as that doled out by the lesser.

If you persist, the Mid-Ranger is likely then to withdraw and impose a cold fury against you with silent treatment. Subject to your response, this may actually cause him to withdraw for some time as you are discarded as a consequence of what you have done. The risk of a hoover will also be reduced owing to the knowledge that you have acquired and the raising of the bar in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria being reached.

Thus with the Mid-Ranger if you expose him during devaluation you will face an unpleasant reaction and you will struggle to affect the facade to any great degree. You will however bring about a discard and a withdrawal which may well provide you with a head start concerning no contact, but you can expect that the reaction of third parties will be difficult to deal with. Many will see you as the villain of the piece, for hurting the Mid-Ranger, for “telling tales” and spoiling, which to the outside, appeared to be a good relationship.

The Greater. What then of the Greater? How will he react and what will happen if you decide to expose him or her during devaluation? The more extensive cognitive function of the Greater combined with his wider networks means that he or she will be aware of your treachery very quickly.

First of all you have little chance of all at affecting the facade. The powers of the Greater will be such that most people will be completely brainwashed to the virtues of the Greater and will not accept what they are being told about us. Furthermore, subject to the proximity of the discard, you will have been smeared and therefore your words will be treated with scepticism (you are portrayed as a habitual liar), patronising sympathy (you have been portrayed as The Fantasist), scorn (you have been painted as The Abuser) or disgust (you have been labelled as The Ungrateful One). Also, since your treacherous exposure will be learned of quicker than in the instances above, the propaganda machine of the Greater will have been wheeled out in order to extinguish your ill-founded gossip and ramblings.

The combination of brainwashing, prompt propaganda response and smearing makes it extremely hard for you to impact on the facade of a greater. Your evidence will have to be extremely convincing and to have been delivered without a smear in place.

Secondly, the Greater will launch a charm offensive with you. You will experience a Respite Hoover and a reinstatement of the golden period. His or her ability to charm, explain, smooth over and assuage your concerns will actually cause your resolve to waver. They will appear so convincing that you will be persuaded to think that you have wrongly labelled them as a narcissist. The Greater knows what he is, but he will not admit it, but he will play to your sense of wanting to seek the truth, to understand to heal by sitting down with you and listening to your concerns. He knows that rather than have you tell the wider world what he is, it is far better to keep it between you and him. That way he causes you to shift your focus so the facade is left well alone. He may even admit he has some issues or problems and asks for your help to address them. Of course this is lip service. The Greater knows that he is better served by not reinforcing the image of being a narcissist through abuse, but better off charming you again and casting your conclusion into considerable doubt. This technique, combined with the return of the addictive golden period and the inherent empathic traits means that you are more than likely to halt your exposure.

The Greater is now fore-warned as to your knowledge. He will maintain a period of respite but will be plotting to smear you into oblivion and then discard you, so that when you try to revisit the exposure post discard you will be doomed to failure in terms of affecting the facade.

Thus, these are the likely scenarios when seeking to expose us to the wider world during devaluation. The follow-up part of this article will explain what will happen if the exposure takes place post-escape or post discard.

why-has-he

 

Think back to that glorious time when you were courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the devil incarnate weren’t they? They were an abuser, a drunk, an addict, a gold-digger, a gambler, never worked, a sponger, never helped around the house, never helped with the children, bad-tempered, unsociable, awkward, played video games all day and so on. No doubt your narcissist’s ex was one or more of those things. They were smeared to you from the off.

“He is just plain evil.”

“She is utterly bat shit crazy.”

“You won’t want to meet her; she is a fruit loop.”

“He is violent and nasty. Charming on the outside but horrible on the inside.”

A hundred different ways to ensure that you thought ill of the predecessor ex and more highly of us. Praise for having broken free, sympathy for what we endured, encouragement for being with you. The fuel flowed as we recounted tale after tale of terrible treatment. All of this was told after we had jettisoned this person as we embedded you into our world.

It may even have been the case that you commenced an affair with us. We admitted we were married, lived with somebody or in a relationship but a combination of our charismatic magnetism and the tales of woe about how our partner was horrible and abusive meant that you saw somebody wonderful in need of your love and you felt no real concerns at interfering in our relationship. After all, how many times did we tell you that we never had sex with them anymore, that we did not even share a bed, how we were only together for the sake of the children and a hundred other reasons that are given to entice you and reassure you that it is you we want. We may well have even left our partner to be with you. You triumphed. Good overcame evil as you ensured that we had the support, courage and determination to escape their horrible treatment of us. You had us to yourself and the golden period could truly commence.

Sometime later, it might be weeks, it could be months and possibly even years, something strange happened.

We went back.

You were unceremoniously dropped and we returned to the arms of the ex-partner once again. How could this be so? How could we return to someone so horrible, so abusive, so evil? How could we go back to this person about whom we told you so many stories of their abusive behaviour and ugly character? How could we return after you rescued us from them? How could we do this after everything you have done for us? Whereas the ex was horrible, you were delightful, the ex did not care, you never stopped caring and where the ex was cruel, you were wonderful. You helped us through the separation and you shielded us when the savage ex came after us, blaming you for breaking a happy (ha!) marriage up. You heard their protestations that you turned their partner’s head, whispered lies about them so as to turn their partner against the ex. You remember how astonished you were at the time that someone would have the audacity to behave in such an abusive manner and then accuse you of doing the things that they engaged in. This ex was just as we described wasn’t she? Manipulative, vicious and blaming everybody else but herself. Just as we had warned you, she behaved exactly to type. She even accused us of certain things but you did not believe them because we had already forewarned you that this was something she would do. Try to make you think that we were the abusive one in order to deflect attention from what she was really like. How on earth could we go back to this liar, this cheat, this abuser, this evil and horrible person? It just made no sense.

In some instances, you received no answer. Our number had changed. We moved back in with this person at a place you don’t know. We blocked you on social media, those friends you thought you had made in our circles shunned you or just told you to accept that these things happen and to move on. But you cannot. You cannot fathom out why someone could do this. Firstly, why return to an abuser? Secondly, why drop someone wonderful like you who we had professed a real and perfect love for? Nothing made sense anymore.

You might have been able to confront us to try and find out why on earth we have behaved in this way. You may have been given a sole opportunity to state your case and to find out why we have done this and left you devastated. You will have been told things such as: –

“I knew that I really did love them. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

You will have argued against these comments. You will have tried to persuade us in order to get us back again. No doubt you said things to each of the above comments, like these: –

You don’t love her. How can you love someone who has abused you for such a long time? You have done the hard bit, getting away from her. You cannot go back.”

 

“She won’t change. Why would she? You said it yourself she has promised this before and nothing has happened.”

 

“If you did the right thing for your children you would not expose them to such a toxic atmosphere as the one you described between you and her.”

 

“She has you under complete control. You don’t know anything other than her abusive ways and you have accepted them. You don’t have to do that. I can help you.”

Your desperate and well-intentioned pleas and reasoning failed. The reason why is because when we said each of the comments above, this is what we really meant.

“I knew that I really did love her. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“You weren’t the fuel I thought you would be and I realised the fuel I would get from going back and hoovering my ex and seeking another chance would outweigh what you were giving me and it worked. But don’t worry. I am not going to get rid of you just yet. I have organised a wonderful triangulation for me, you and her that will carry on through the reconciliation. It will be like we are having an affair (having an affair again). How exciting. How fuel-laden”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I promised to change. That hoovered her back in. It always does and she fell for it and that fuel is better than yours.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“I saw some cracks in the façade and realised that people actually might turn against me. I need that façade so I have to sacrifice you instead. You won’t realise this but I have told her, our families and friends that you are a stalker and you were trying to blackmail me. They understand. The façade is intact. You are expendable.”

 

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

“I know her inside out and I know that no matter how many times I do this she will always take me back and give me powerful hoover fuel. I know I told you that you were the only one I have left her for. That wasn’t true. You are nothing special. I have done it many times before and I will do it again. I might do it again with you if you are foolish enough to give me another chance. It is all good fuel.”

If you are reeling from the stunning revelation that we have returned to the ex that was labelled as horrible and abusive. If you are unable to comprehend why we would do this, I understand. I understand that it truly makes no sense when looked at from your perspective. The reality is however they were never abusive. I am the abuser. I used you as I used my partner in order to get fuel. I projected my behaviours onto them and you lapped it all up, giving me positive fuel and negative fuel from her as I triangulated you with her. I may not have gone back, but the quality of the hoover fuel and the ease by which I can achieve it makes it irresistible. I will come back to you again and you will let me because you have tasted the golden period. You still believe she is the bitch and the two of you will fight over me blaming one another rather than realise that I am to  blame. I planned it. I orchestrated it. I am the puppet master.

 

 

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STOP PLAYING THE BLAME GAME

Why is it always your fault? Why does the narcissist never accept that he or she is to blame? How are they so adept at blaming others and especially you? Why do they do that? How do they achieve this blame evasion? What is behind their need to place the blame elsewhere? Why do narcissists create blame bombs and what do they do with them? These questions and more besides are posed and answered in the usual direct style, straight from the caustic tongue of the narcissist himself. Understand the reasons behind the narcissist’s relationship with blame and finally understand why it is always your fault.

 

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DO NARCISSISTSKNOW WHATTHEY ARE DOING_- THE LESSER

Do narcissists know what they are doing? Most victims would answer a resounding ‘yes’ to this question. Comments such as these are common :-

“He is so calculating in the way he manipulates me, he knows what he is doing alright.”

“Oh she knows just how to wind me up, she knows she does because she always smirks when she is doing it.”

“He is an intelligent man, how can he not know what he is doing?”

“She must know how hurtful she is being when she starts slapping me.”

However, it is nowhere near as clear cut as that. There are two factors which govern the awareness of the narcissist. Firstly, the school of narcissist that you are involved with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater) and secondly the issue of control.

The Lesser School

The Lesser Narcissist (Lower Lesser, Middle Lesser or Upper Lesser) goes through life like a wrecking ball. It is his way, or the high way. Do not like what he is doing? Tough – deal with it – you are the problem. Stopping him doing what he wants? Expect a fist in your face. Trying to make him account for his actions? Good luck with that, you can expect a violent outburst and utter dismissal.

Does the Lesser know that he has punched you in the head? Of course he does. Does he know that he did that that as a consequence of the fact that you wounded him and his physical violence is a manifestation of his ignited fury? No, he does not.

Does the Lesser know that he is cheating on you with your sister? Of course he does. Does he regard it as wrong? No. Is he consumed by guilt at what he has done? No, he does not even know what guilt is.

Does the Lesser who verbally denigrates one of his workers know he is bullying that person? No. From his perspective, that worker is out of line, is too slow, has turned up late again, said the wrong thing, does not work hard enough and therefore his response is entirely justified. Don’t do what he wants, expect to be dealt with. It is not bullying, it is getting the problem sorted.

Does the Lesser know that his provocative comments about your appearance are hurtful and are being said to gain fuel? No. He has no empathy whatsoever, not even the cognitive (fake) empathy and therefore does not recognise that what he says is hurtful or could even be construed as hurtful. He does not understand why you are crying after he told you that you look like the Pilsbury Doughboy in that new purple dress. In his mind the comment was justified. If you push him to explain why he made the comment, expect the helpful reply of “Because I say so” or “It just is, right?”

The Lesser acts through instinct and instinct alone. Yes, if you have escaped him he may put together a plan to drive around to where you are now staying and kick in the door and drag you out by the hair back to where you supposedly belong – but that ‘plan’ remains an instinctive response. He knows what he is doing, but because of the need for control, he does not see his behaviour as wrong, inappropriate or hurtful. It is what needs to be done.

This overriding and ever present need for control means that the Lesser will respond with an instinctive act – whether it is physical violence, sexual violence, smashing up property, shouting in your face – but he sees nothing wrong with this. It is being done to gain fuel, it is being done to keep you in his fuel matrix, it is being done to assert his need for superiority over you, it is being done to quell any rebellion on your part and it is being done to reject any notion of accountability for his actions BUT he does not know this. He does not think, “I will shove her down the stairs because she is rejecting my control over her and needs to be punished.” He just commits the act. He does not think about why he is doing it, he does it and if asked why then you may not even get answer, possibly a shrug or just a growled “She deserved it.” If pressed as to why she deserved it, it is back to “Because she did.”

This behaviour is viewed through the different narcissistic perspective. You, as a victim, do not have that perspective. Your perspective invariably causes you to think that the narcissist does know what he is doing. This perspective of yours arises for two reasons

  1. You know why you do things, you know the rationale behind most of them (if not all) and the consequences and therefore you expect everyone else to behave in a similar way and thus have the similar level of awareness ; and
  2. Your emotional thinking drives you to believe that the narcissist knows what he is doing and why because this then causes you try to get the narcissist to address this behaviour. If he or she knows what they are doing, then surely they can listen to reason, reflect and recognise and take an alternative course of action? In short – they can change. As you know, this desire for change, to heal and to fix is at the core of the empathic victim. Your emotional thinking knows this and therefore, in order to keep you engaging with the narcissist (which is all your emotional thinking ever wants you to do) it cons you into thinking that the narcissist knows what he is doing because this then raises the hope (there’s that terrible word again) you can do something about it. Thus, rather than get out and stay out, you remain, trying to reason with the narcissist, trying to get him to understand how his actions impact on you, that they are wrong and how if only he would change then everything would be good.

Accordingly, your empathic perspective causes you to think that the narcissist is calculated in his behaviour (hence why so many people are honestly mistaken when they think they have been ensnared by the rare Greater Narcissist when they have not) when actually the behaviour of the Lesser Narcissist is only ever instinct.

The Lesser has no concept of guilt, no concept of remorse, no conscience. He cannot have because this would render the defence mechanism that is his narcissism, ineffective and that cannot ever happen. The Lesser is unburdened from knowledge of why he acts as he does, he lacks the cognitive function to even articulate it in some way (which would of course would  be a lie if he could, again the narcissism protecting him) and thus this is why you get no explanations about his behaviour or if you do, they are rudimentary in nature and of the dismissive, curt type explained above.

The Lesser is aware of the actions he performs – he knows he has punched you, he knows he is smashing the windows on your car, he knows he is sleep raping you – but he does not plan, he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing (owing to the need for control through his sense of entitlement, the rejection of accountability, his lack of conscience) and does not see it as manipulative or reprehensible. It is purely what must be done, well, because it is, isn’t it? Now, stop questioning him and do as you are told. Or else.