The Sense of Loss


People always struggle with loss. It might be at the top of the scale where you have suffered a bereavement and lost a well-loved family member. It could be the loss of your home where you have lived for twenty years, owing to damage or repossession. It may be the loss of your job, a loss of good health all the way down to something far less important but a loss never the same, of your favourite restaurant when it closes or your daily caffeine injection from a coffee shop because you are economising. Take something away from someone and they will experience sadness, frustration, upset, anger and sometimes confusion. Since people are governed by emotions rather than cool, hard logic, the loss of something often has a devastating and traumatic effect, especially in respect of major losses such as a spouse or partner. Once upon  a time your parents seemed as if they would live forever. They were always there. They raised you, guided you and supported you. They let you find your own way through life but if ever you needed them they were always there to listen and help and then one day you find they have gone and you are left with a huge black hole in your life. Your best friend who you have known for over twenty-five years was a huge part of your life. You spoke daily, laughed about your younger selves and the scrapes you got into, supported one another and cruised through life like the dynamic duo until they have gone and you feel a massive void since their departure to the next life or another continent, dependent on the circumstances. Remove something from a person’s life and they are left with hurt, despondency and despair. This is all the more so when it is something or someone wonderful and delightful. Then the emptiness becomes a howling wilderness.

Of course we are fully aware of how loss affects people from our repeated study of people. We also know that being able to gift someone something wonderful and then remove it, is a sign of considerable power. A power that can be wielded with considerable effects. The power of withdrawal,even if just threatened, can bring about an extreme reaction in the subject. This is something we are fully aware of and something which we take advantage of.

We gave you everything in the beginning. We provided you with a love beyond compare, a dizzying array of compliments, a barrage of desire and a tsunami of flattery. We raised you up, higher and higher and sprayed you with affection, passion and generosity. The light was bright, warm and golden and we let it shine every day just for you. We allowed you to bask in this golden period of utter ecstasy and in return you gave us everything that you had in pursuit of the maintenance of this golden period. Without warning we withdrew it. The door was closed and the shutters lowered and once where you had walked happily and freely you too found yourself transported to the howling wilderness where you stood alone beneath grey, leaden skies as a cold and unforgiving wind whipped around you. It felt like someone had died.

Whereas once we uttered such sweet, sweet words to you, there is now only silence. The reassuring embrace of our arms and lips has somehow vanished and you feel stripped and vulnerable. All of the places we took you to and shared seem so distant and you begin to wonder whether they really happened. Alone and distraught,you wander this wilderness searching for us. Occasionally you catch a glimpse of us but in an instant we have disappeared as you stumble along. The kindness has been removed. The long nights of sexual congress which went beyond anything you have experienced before has been taken away, leaving your bed a cold,hard slab where rest is to be endured rather than enjoyed. If we even grace you with our presence in that place where we once coupled each and every night, a writhing mass of limbs and mouths that explored and pleasured, all you know now is our back which is defiantly presented to you each night. That’s if we even come to bed at all. The spare room or the sofa seem to attract us more than you these days.

We know that taking away this passion, desire, interest, largesse and kindness is like a hammer blow. It is as if we have died but yet you can still see us, touch us and hear us which makes the sense of loss even greater and all the more confusing. Like a pet-owner dangling a bone in front of a salivating puppy, we occasionally open the shutters and allow the golden period to return and the joy and the relief which washes over you at the restoration of his oh most glorious time is electrifying and so is the extent of your gratitude and delight. Yet it is ephemeral. It is like a wonderful dream that has transported you away from all the hurt and misery, but just like a dream when you open your eyes in the morning, it has gone.

The power that comes with withdrawal and your predictable reaction to it, mean that it is a method of manipulation that cannot be ignored. To bestow and then deny has you caught in the strings of our puppetry as we jerk you back and forth between granting those things that you desire the most and then taking them away from you. Your reactions and the control this grants us means that it is so simple yet so effective and something we can never withdraw from doing.


40 thoughts on “The Sense of Loss”

  1. ALL emotions are some combination of Love and Fear in different ratios. In their pure form (in the ends of the spectrum) Love and Fear are the most powerful feelings ever. They can cut like a laser scalpel. The Narc pumps up the volume and alternates those two basic emotions (hot/cold; kind/cruel).

    Woe on me that I fell victim in this lowbrow pick up game!

    Recently I try to apply only cold logic and here what I found:

    If we accept that the hypertrophied love-bombing period was a FAKE, so the induced Fear of lost (“losing your soul mate”) in the devaluation phase must be considered a FAKE as well, isn’t it?
    Yes, I know that for the empath those were genuine feelings, but when we work out that the love was fake, it takes only one step to recognize that the fear must be fake too.
    The whole cycle is a lie.

  2. HG, THANK YOU!! Finally I was able to finalize my revenge plan— and I am free and made him a ‘tad’ pissed off!!! It was a long journey and you have helped me SO MUCH— I ‘needed’ to see the lake house again as that is where I fell in love with him– so best place for me to grant myself my freedom and walk away with head held high— I did a good job!!! I am so pleased- now I can get on with my life as I honestly feel nothing for him- no anger, no love, no dislike– nothing NADA– that is when you know in your heart and head you are really free!!!

    1. HG– sorry to bug you again— Okay.. so him seeing me in clothes and TUMI luggage did not bother him? He did make a comment about one dress, “You look great- and
      I did not have to buy it– ” Then he laughed, actually smiled and ‘snorted’— so it does not bother you narc men when you see ‘your appliances’ decked out with some other dudes money?
      Ladies and HG– this was an old family friend who was so horrified by how I was treated by my narc— he stepped up and said “I am going to show you how you should be treated– and do not accept anything less that this”— he is a widower- we have never been romantic– he was simply horrified by what happened to me– and stepped up and spoiled me rotten– and I got the message!!!! We all need a ‘fairy godfather’ like this to put our head on straight!!!

  3. Just wanted to put this out again. I do not have a site on word press. So please don’t think I am ignoring you when you ask to be allowed on it. I have WordPress for basically following other sites. Have a great Sunday everyone! 🌻

  4. This never really kicked in till now my narc and I slept together when we first met seven years ago before you keep my roommate then when he moved in if we slept together for a little bit longer and we decided to be friends I never knew he was a narcissist until this year long story short he kept picking little fights with me kinda sorta every time I knew he was sleeping with another girl I didn’t care because I’m wasn’t in love with him It didn’t make any sense it never did. this time though when he met this girl that he’s with said shs a smoking body and she’s prettier than me and all the stuf, f she looks older than me, looks rode hard put away wet she’s frumpy and I’m watching prettier. But beside the point cuz I’m not in love but this is what took on he was my best friend and he took that from me and that’s what kills me and I just now catching on to that he took that from me that broke my heart. what I don’t understand is why didn’t he pick two girls that are fighting over him sucking his dick it’s not me it’s been way too long so why me cuz on the closest I have the house I lived with me it’s so stupid but now he doesn’t think God I’m so glad Priscilla’s bikini won’t give it back and tells me I’m the one that’s mad that he’s gone because I’m still in love know but I’m starting to wonder if he might be not wanting to let me go I wish you would give me back my keys and go

    1. You sound very confused Nikki, you should really consider a consult with HG! He can help you sort through all of this. 🌻

      1. I didn’t proofread so sorry about that it’s all splattery but I guess I am confused I never figured out he was a narcissist until this year only by accident now I’m stunned his girl is stunned. We never had any problems ever until this year it’s very odd . he never pushed when he was dipping his Wick he would try to be me I just didn’t go for it because I didn’t understand why is he trying to bait me I don’t care if he’s dating who this shit cares cuz he’s my friend and that’s where we left it at so he never pushed until this chick which I don’t understand at all I’m sure he’s had better looking but I’ve seen every girl probably on his purpose on his phone just left out on accident oh yeah right but I didnt care none we’re pretty they we’re fat plain or black. Except for black they were me so confused this is very Twisted you’re right I am confused

        1. Yes you are. At one point I think all of us were confused, how could we not be? We are not made the same and there thinking is so much different then there’s is. HG was the only one that helped me through that time of confusion! That is why I said to consult with him. He will give you the answers you are looking for. 🌻

    2. This is sad, Nikki B. But in their case most of the time, any hole will do, it doesn’t matter what anybody looks like, if there’s a prospect of money. The other women/men where already most likely lined up when you two met.
      Just please know that you deserve better.

      1. Thanks hun. I’ve been through worse I know I can handle this I just wish she completely die or be maimed buy some horrificly painful disease from hellj just think that would be kind of funnyI his favorite thing what she’s doing right now as we speak is to call me ugly names and what it who cares take your playground bullshit shove it up your ass I’m so tired of him oh my God he needs to disappear

        1. I know what you mean and how you feel. Just keep reading HG’S work. It’s taken me a year of his constant reminders before I began to calm down. And I do some type of therapy every day. The road isn’t easy.
          Sending big cyber hugs!!

  5. It’s always difficult to grieve for the living, especially when you know it was all fake. It’s been 2 years post-escape and I can’t stop thinking about this idiot! No contact is going well, but he pops in my head every god damn day!!

    1. Mine won’t move completely out he doesn’t have any money he moved his girlfriend in with him over to his mother’s house which I’m stunned that she let happen .but me and this girl have been texting back and forth and talking when she when he sends over to pick up something or whatever me and her been talking , texting I’ve never said anything to her she asked questions to me she knows all kinds of stuff but she didn’t have a clue about the narcissism until I showed her these blogs she swears she’s got it under control she knows what she’s doing she don’t look real hard about trying to get away from him but whatever that’s not my problem I’d let her know when she already knows he’s cheating on her already and she’s got her trapped at his mom’s house that’s pretty funny shows no car no where to go but she swears that she does have somewhere to go but yet she still stuck there she stuck there he was pretty smart there where she going to go hit at night without his mom telling him where she went or that she left I I think the whole thing is too hilarious but whatever it’s not my business I just wish you’d give me back my keys get the rest of the shit out of my house and go the fuck away instead he keeps the fights going into a Sim around and makes me look like the bad guy is still I don’t really give a shit I have no family I don’t care about his family doesn’t like me anymore whatever I don’t care well I kind of do cuz it was only family I had it but you know whatever he wanted to ruin our friendship over this chick that’s fine whatever goodbye I’ll find another yep he’s in my head every day to only because I can’t get rid of his ass and all the shit that he’s got trying to fix her he broke so many things at my house he’s supposed to be fixing he half-assed does everything is probably why I’ve never been the Carpenters Union why I had to get him a job lazy ass half-ass piece of shity

      1. Nikki B
        Put his shit outside at the curb, change the locks, and dont answer the door if he comes pounding if you really want free of him. Seems like those things are not really whats keeping you from moving on, but only you really know the truth to that.

      2. Nikki,
        Get rid of his stuff! Drop it in his drive way or better yet give it to the garbage men. Don’t wait around for things to change! The only thing that will change will be the next victim he sucks in! You my dear will still be waiting with his stuff constantly reminding you of him! If you don’t think he knows this? Think again. Right we will be your family. Everyone here on the blog will help you get through this, but you have to be the one to get things started! Find someone in time that deserves you! Your special and important! Be good to yourself, love your self! That family that you want is out there waiting for you! 🌻

      3. you’re right everyone unfortunately the state of Nevada can’t change the locks ghost of his freakin driver’s license still has my address on it proves that he lives here even though it doesn’t so I have to really think about how to do it or just get him to finish moving keeps stealing all my shit too but whatever have it

    2. Cindy I feel you on this one. Every day I think of him and I don’t want to!! I remember the good the bad and the bafflingly weird. For eg, I remembered just yesterday after reading a post about sex with the narc that mine would lay on top of me once he orgasmed for ages, full body weight until I wriggled free with discomfort. Just weird behaviour. Never knew why he did that.
      But grieve for the living dead I must do, but not for too long, this ever presence does not suit me.

      1. Yes Presque, that weird behavior! Seems like I remember more and more incidents as time goes by. Embarrassing and shameful. One example for me was that he used to bring out and display our sex toys when we had company. Even after I threw them away, he would still talk about them. Freakin weird because he was impotent at that time.

    3. Cindy, you’re doing Team Empath proud with NC. Keep up the good work. For the rest, it just is how it is, isn’t it? Weird and tiresome and heartachey. We understand.

  6. lol you talk about caring patents !!! your joking of course not many of us had those, your not the first to send us into the wilderness dear Narc, do you really think we are virgins to pain ??? think again

  7. HG, wondering, hope you will reply! I quick question. I did see him a few weeks ago- he needed me for a weekend as the right ‘appliance’ for the job. I have not heard from him (I know who he is with and really do not care anymore) However, I thanked him for the weekend, it was nice to go to the beach house again. He has not called, I have not called. He knows I am happy, at peace, moving on with my life – without him in it. I look great, am back to being the beautiful, happy, peaceful loving woman he met! So, wondering if noticing this shift in me- me not begging, calling, crying…. I even commented when he ‘accidentally” showed me his phone with ‘ Jenny the stewardess’ post showing on— and I said (after he made a face about me seeing the text) “Hey, no problem. It is not like we have a monogamous or serious relationship or anything. You are free to see whoever you want, just as I am.’ Then I smiled at him and continued on with our weekend. Did this wound him— please say it did. Did seeing my so happy and looking so great without him in life wound him? Did him knowing my new TUMI luggage was from another dude and not him hurt him? Did I get the digs in???? Of course I want to know– but does the fact we actually appear happier without them- make them leave us alone?

    1. Challenge Fuel from your comment and smiling re the text. He will be envious of your contentment and this will infuriate him.

      1. Hi HG, was ensnared for the past 23 years and 3 more after escaping, by what I now believe is a mid range narc. I was given silent treatment then discarded when he found a new supply and hovered immediately after disclosing that I was replaced. I saw him 2 times after this ugh…still falling into emotional sea. I want to know if I have caused narc injury by not wishing him a happy birthday and not reacting to him bringing his new supply when dropping off my children and will this cause him to leave me alone. I tried telling him off but after discovering your videos and site I found that I was only providing fuel. I blocked him but it’s only been 2 weeks no contact. I’m obsessing with all this new info and can’t stop reading although it has provided me relief it also infuriates me that he will forever be part of my life.

        1. If he has a new IPPS and is in the golden period he is unlikely to be concerned by your failure to wish him happy birthday (he may of course raise that at a later date to provoke you as part of blaming you for being a terrible person). If you failed to react when he dropped the children off he may again be unconcerned because he may well not be looking to gain fuel from you because he is focussed on the new IPPS. Nevertheless, maintain minimal interaction and reduced fuel provision.

          1. I attempted to block all means of communication and declined all his attempts to reach me by hanging up when he attempted to call from different numbers or my child’s phone. Then two days ago he showed up to my home wanting to talk. Saying that he didn’t want to end things on bad terms and that he didn’t want me to be mad at him because I refuse to have contact with him. He stated i am his best friend lol and he likes to talk to me about work and life. After explaining to him that those conversations need to be had with his intimate partner and telling him our relationship dynamic is dysfunctional and never will work he agreed to not contact me again. I now know I provided loads of fuel as he drained my energy. HG I’m trying my best to reach across that sea, it still breaks my heart that even in that conversation I was able to recognize behavior that reinforces my suspicion of him being a narc. What else can I do to protect myself from giving him fuel and depleting my energy. It literally took me a day of a lot of sleep to feel better.

          2. See the article How To Reduce Giving Fuel To The Narcissist and organise a consultation with me also.

      1. Got to take one for the team— my revenge plan has been tough — but I need to know from HG if I am doing it right!!!! SO MUCH FUN to f &** him up! However I need to know from the master if I am doing it right!!!! It is so nice, wonderful to be at this place now though–

        I really really do not care- I do want to get my digs in and if HE is so stupid to need me– then I will do it—.I am thinking of starting my own page for us ladies– makeup—get your hair done– work out– diets (yes HG- you might not post this– but maybe you can get some$$–) We-us ladies need to help the others out=—- need to -share and get them off their knees and onto their feet— YOU are amazing—–

  8. Tormentor and tormented .

    The sun can shine outside but never again inside .

    The long term and fatal effects of exposure to evil .

    Now it is not the concept of evil that shocks but the experience in expanded form .

    Being here means wanting to ask the devil why he did it .

    For fun he says .

  9. “People always struggle with loss.”

    Not all people. Not your people. Unless it is fuel, that is. HG, I am seeing sandal ads on your site. This disturbs me. They are ugly sandals too!

    I love when I see you in my FB feed. It’s like a nice little reminder bell that I have moved on from that fucker.

    They need to make HG dolls. I want one for my pocket, since miniaturizing you and stealing you from England is not an option. 🙁

    HG would not like to ever be little. But how cute he would be!

    Hope you are well!

    BTW been listening to your recent YT readings and enjoying. Esp. the one that ends, ‘Illusion, Illusion, Illusion.’

    1. Bibi
      Look closer. Theyre miniature Jesus sandals for your personal pocket Narc and sold separately.

  10. My mother always told me I’m in for a rude awakening.
    Fuck! There’s been one after the other on a constant basis. It’s time to transform the past. Working on it.

  11. Great article and very correct. I have a questions regarding the loss of the narc and what kind of narc my ex boyfriend is if you would be so kind as to provide your insight.

    I left my ex narc husband of 14 years, but I had become wise to what he was and went no contact when I left 5 years ago. He still emails me and then emails me again an hour later yelling about how I never respond to his emails. LOL. I unfortunately got into another relationship with a narc after that. We split up about 7 months ago. The 2nd narc was different. He complained about narcissists and treated people well much of the time even going way out of his way to help me and his friends but also complained about people a lot. He definitely does not know that he is a narcissist himself. In our relationship he always came first and would spend days with me then not come around. I thought he was cheating but I verified that he was not. He would still call but I think he did this just to create a push pull dynamic. He could not accept any “criticism.” If I said that I was not happy because I felt ignored he would call me names. If I said something that was not an insult but just an obvious fact (such as when I said that he was not the manager where he works, he wasn’t the manager) he would pack up all of his possessions that he kept at my home and disappear for 2-5 weeks. His narcissistic rage was crazy!! 0 to 100 is the blink of an eye! He sometimes removed himself from friends and family because he felt that he was being taken advantage of or a perceived slight and would say “I’ll stay away for a few weeks and see how they do without me.” Of course people would miss everything he does for them, he did do a lot for others. The last time he packed up all of his stuff and left he was gone 5 weeks before he came back but this time I did not take him back. He flew off in a narcissistic rage damaging my reputation then called me 2 days later to say “Everyone hates you, you are not welcome anywhere. Can we get back together?” I said F U and hung up the phone. This didn’t go over well with him. We have not spoken since.
    Can you tell me what kind of narc he is?
    About the loss felt by the narc…I have seen pictures of my ex husband on social media due to mutual friends and he has aged about 20 years since we split up 5 years ago. He looks haggard and wrinkled, the children and I did not even recognize him in the photos. I could walk right by him on the street and think he was just some 60 year old man I’d never met. Yesterday I saw a picture on of my ex boyfriend. He looks gaunt, his beard has gone gray, he has lost weight, and looks at least 5 years older. Clearly, neither one of them are doing well. Can you provide some insight on this? They both treated me terribly and I have suffered greatly but it looks like they are suffering, possibly more? Or at least it shows on them physically. I am shocked and confused by this.

    1. With regard to the type of narcissist you should organise a Narc Detector consultation. With regard to your other question, please see Time and the Narcissist – Parts One and Two

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